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Gottman turning towards pdf


Assignment: Turning Towards

When you honor and respect each other, you can appreciate different points of view.

When you honor and respect each other, you can appreciate different points of view.

When you honor and respect each other, you can appreciate different points of view.

In a recent blog post, Certified Gottman Therapist and bestselling author Zach Brittle wrote about Turning Towards and asked readers to send him a picture of the “flowchart for conflict” through bids and turning that he describes in “T is for Turning.” This is what we think it may look like:

He received many excellent (and creative) submissions from readers, and has selected his two favorites to share with you: 

via Erin M. 

via Melanie J.

In this post, we discuss Turning Toward by providing an exercise written by Dr. John Gottman for what to do when your partner doesn’t Turn Toward you. 

If one of you is feeling rejected by the other lately or overwhelmed by your partner’s need for closeness, you should both take some time this weekend to review the exercise below and then share your answers. There is no answer key for these questions; they are merely a point of departure for discussions with your partner. The bottom line of this approach is that there isn’t one reality when a couple misses each other in little ways. There are two equally legitimate perspectives. Remember: couples often ignore each other’s emotional needs out of mindlessness, not malice. Once you understand and acknowledge this, you’ll find that reconnecting just comes naturally. 

During this week I felt…

1. Defensive.        

A Great Deal    Definitely    A Little    Not at all 

2. Hurt.                

A Great Deal    Definitely    A Little    Not at all 

3. Unappreciated. 

A Great Deal    Definitely    A Little    Not at all 

4. Unattractive.                  

A Great Deal    Definitely    A Little    Not at all 

5. Sad.                                  

A Great Deal    Definitely    A Little    Not at all 

6. Lonely.                             

A Great Deal    Definitely    A Little    Not at all 

7. Criticized.                        

A Great Deal    Definitely    A Little    Not at all 

8. Worried.                         

A Great Deal    Definitely    A Little    Not at all 

9. Misunderstood.              

A Great Deal    Definitely    A Little    Not at all 

10. Like leaving.                 

A Great Deal    Definitely    A Little    Not at all 

What triggered these feelings?

1. I felt excluded.                           

A Great Deal    Definitely    A Little    Not at all 

2. I felt that my partner was not attracted to me.            

A Great Deal    Definitely    A Little    Not at all 

3. I was not important to my partner.                 

A Great Deal    Definitely    A Little    Not at all 

4. I felt no affection toward my partner.                   

A Great Deal    Definitely    A Little    Not at all 

5. I definitely felt rejected.                     

A Great Deal    Definitely    A Little    Not at all 

Now that you know what triggered this episode, it’s time to see whether your emotional reaction is rooted in your past. Were there any connections between earlier traumas or behavior and the current situation? Use the following list to facilitate this search for links between the past and present.

These recent feelings about my relationship come from: 

  • The way I was treated in my family growing up
  • A previous relationship
  • Past injuries, hard times, or traumas I’ve suffered
  • My basic fears and insecurities
  • Things and events I have not yet resolved or put aside
  • Unrealized hopes I have
  • Ways other people treated me in the past
  • Things I have always thought about myself
  • Old “nightmares” or “catastrophes” I have worried about

After you’ve discussed each other’s answers above, you will come to see that many of your differences are not really matter of “fact. ="wpforms-"]

Turn Towards Instead of Away

How do you turn towards instead of away? In order to understand turning, you have to first understand bids.

State your needs, be aware of bids for connection, and turn towards them.

State your needs, be aware of bids for connection, and turn towards them.

It’s your wedding day. The universe starts a giant egg timer set for six years. When the egg timer goes off, you’ll either be divorced or you won’t. You’ve heard the rumor that 50% of marriages end in divorce, but someone knows some tips that can increase your odds of making it. More importantly, they know of a single strategy that would virtually guarantee that you would divorce before the timer went off. Would you want to know it?

Of course, you would. You would do whatever it takes to ensure that you protected yourself from divorce. It’s no secret, and chances are, it’s right in front of you.

Turning towards

As part of his research, Dr. John Gottman conducted a study with newlyweds, then followed up with them six years later. Many of the couples remained together. Many divorced. The couples that stayed married were much better at one thing: the third level of the Sound Relationship House, Turn Towards Instead of Away. At the six-year follow-up, couples that stayed married turned towards one another 86% of the time. Couples that divorced averaged only 33% of the time.

This is a pretty incredible piece of data. It suggests that there is something you can do today that will dramatically change the course of your relationship. More importantly, it suggests that there is something that you cannot do that will lead to its demise. So, how do you turn towards instead of away? In order to understand turning, you have to first understand bids.

Turn towards what? Bids for connection

A bid is any attempt from one partner to another for attention, affirmation, affection, or any other positive connection. Bids show up in simple ways, a smile or wink, and more complex ways, like a request for advice or help. In general, women make more bids than men, but in the healthiest relationships, both partners are comfortable making all kinds of bids.

Bids can get tricky, however, and admittedly I sometimes miss more bids than I don’t. Indeed many men struggle in this regard, so it’s important to pay attention. Bids usually have a secondary layer. Call it the difference between text and subtext. A few examples to get your brain going:

It is important that you learn to recognize bids and that you commit to making them to one another. Make the word “bids” part of your conversation and perhaps name your bids toward one another. It’s okay to say, “I’m making a bid for attention now” as you get to know each other in this early phase of your relationship. You can also practice discerning subtext together. Pick a show that is new to you both and watch it on mute. See if you can interpret the bids that the characters make based only on non-verbals. Once you start to get intentional about your bids, you can concentrate on “turning towards.”

To “miss” a bid is to “turn away.” Turning away can be devastating. It’s even more devastating than “turning against” or rejecting the bid. Rejecting a bid at least provides the opportunity for continued engagement and repair. Missing the bid results in diminished bids, or worse, making bids for attention, enjoyment, and affection somewhere else.

How to turn towards? Pay attention to your partner

Turning towards starts with paying attention. Your work on bids will come in handy here. Simply recognizing that a bid was made opens the door to the response. If you pay attention, you’ll respond to both the text and the subtext. As bids get more complicated, so will the nature of turning toward. For now, start simple. Take an inventory of the bids and turning in your relationship and share your responses with one another.

  • What do I know about how I make bids?
  • Could or should I get better at making bids? How?
  • How good am I at recognizing the difference between text and subtext?
  • What keeps me from making bids?
  • What is my impulse for turning?
  • Do I turn away or against more often than I turn towards?
  • When it comes to turning towards, am I closer to 33% or 86%?
  • What does it feel like when my partner doesn’t turn towards me?
  • How can I get better at turning towards?

As you continue moving through life together, you will undoubtedly have to risk heading into more vulnerable territory. This will be easier if you’ve committed to building a solid friendship based on Building Love Maps, Sharing Fondness and Admiration, and Turning Towards Instead of Away.

Learn how to make your relationship work in the first Gottman Relationship Coach program. Unsure which Gottman Relationship Coach product is for you? Take our quiz!

The Marriage Minute is an email newsletter from The Gottman Institute that will improve your marriage in 60 seconds or less. Over 40 years of research with thousands of couples has proven a simple fact: small things often can create big changes over time. Got a minute? Sign up below.

Zach Brittle, LMHC

Zach Brittle is a Certified Gottman Therapist, best selling author of The Relationship Alphabet, and host of the highly-rated podcast Marriage Therapy Radio. ="wpforms-"]

how to build relationships for life”, John Gottman – Litres

John Gottman PhD

Julie Schwartz Gottman PhD

Doug Abrams MD

Rachel Carlton Abrams MD

Eight Dates: Essential Conversations for a Lifetime of 9002 © 2018 by John Gottman, Julie Schwartz Gottman, Doug Abrams and Rachel Carlton Abrams

© Melnik E., translated into Russian, 2019

© Design. Eksmo Publishing LLC, 2019

* * *

Conversations that matter

Every love story is an ongoing conversation. The first cautious steps that allow us to get to know each other, the heated debates about trust and devotion in the future, the most serious, heart-to-heart confessions regarding love, pain and dreams, in the end - it is questions and answers that allow us to continuously learn and build our relationships for many years. And when conflict arises—as inevitably happens when two lives are intertwined—a determined willingness to be curious rather than assertive allows us to face each other in moments of disagreement. It doesn't matter if you are silent or talkative, the words that flow between you and the gestures that accompany them will define and play a decisive role in your relationship. A true love story is not a fairy tale. It urgently requires full openness and certain efforts. And the reward is that you love your partner more on your fiftieth anniversary than on your wedding day. Yes, you can stay in love forever!

Successful long-term relationships are built with words, gestures and actions - day after day, month after month, year after year.

It may seem that the success or failure of a marriage or long-term relationship is as much a game of chance as heads or tails. As you know, in the United States, more than half of marriages end in divorce. In Portugal, this number has reached 70 percent. In second marriages in the United States, the divorce rate reaches 65 percent, and in third marriages it soars to 75. The statistics are, to put it mildly, unfavorable. But this data is only for those marriages in which people really decide to leave. What can we say about spouses who remain together, about their life, full of quiet despair, strife or emotional insensitivity? But do not rush to mournfully wring your hands: there is good news.

Although the demands of marriage and partnerships are greater than ever, and the challenges are greater than ever, it is not heads or tails. Marriage is not a game based on pure chance. It's a choice.

Now we know what partners can do to increase their chances of a successful relationship. For 40 years, Gottman's Love Lab has been studying how to "hit the jackpot" in love. At our Seattle lab, we receive synchronized observational data, self-reports, and physiological measurements from thousands of couples and analyze them using advanced mathematical methods. We now know exactly the areas in which married life can be a source of greatest difficulty. We can say with confidence what separates relationship masters from losers. And we'll help guide you through eight critical conversations that will give you the best chance of creating your own "happily ever after."

Successful long-term relationships are built through words, gestures and actions – day after day, month after month, year after year. A life of eternal love is built every day of God that you spend together. Knowing your partner doesn't end the minute you unload your moving truck and start sharing wardrobe space, or the moment you say yes. It never ends. You can live your whole life curiously discovering your partner's inner world and daring to share your inner world with him - but you will never comprehend everything there is to know about each other. This is amazing! It is very difficult. And this is one of the best life adventures you can ever experience. Trust us, we know what we're talking about. We've been married for a long time (John and Julie for over 30 years and Doug and Rachel for over 25) and are still discovering new things about each other, still surprising each other and today we are more in love with each other than ever before. This does not mean that our relationship is perfect. Sometimes we fight. Sometimes we are rude or insensitive. The value of love is not some abstract ideal. Practice is what creates its value. We train: we learn to express our love and accept the love of a partner. Love is a feeling, but even more so it is an action. It requires awareness and attention, a practice we call attunement.

Meanwhile, the big secret of love, which lasts a long time and develops over time, is simple. It is important to devote time exclusively to each other and never stop being interested in your partner. Don't think that you know what it's like today just because you got into bed the night before. In short, never stop asking questions. But these questions must be appropriate.

We do not mean yes or no questions, such as "Are you hungry?" We are talking about the so-called open questions, a kind of invitation to a conversation, the answers to which cannot be put into one or two words. It is with their help that you initiate frank conversations that give your partner the opportunity to tell what is on his mind and soul. These conversations will allow you to understand why your partner believes in what he believes, does what he does, and who he is in general. Open-ended questions lead to conversations that will make you fall in love, or help you decide to make a long-term commitment, or keep you in love with the person you've chosen to spend your life with. This book will show you how to engage in conversations that lead to intimacy, awareness, deep and meaningful understanding of how you and your partner are similar and different. It is they who will allow you to become a master of relationships, and not a walking disaster. We've selected the eight most important relationship topics - trust and commitment, conflict, sex, money, family, pleasure and adventure, development and spirituality, dreams - and structured them into eight dates you can do, and provided each topic with step-by-step instructions. exercises and open-ended questions to ask each other on every date.

It is important to devote time exclusively to each other and never stop being interested in your partner.

These visits are an example scheme. Yes, it's important to us that you have all eight conversations, but it's even more important that you never stop dating each other. We want you to still have dates at 95, even in your own living room. We want you to never stop exploring your partner and relationships, beliefs and fears, hopes and dreams for the future.

We want you to never stop talking to each other, learning and growing.

Decades of research have shown that great relationships - truly masterful relationships - are built on respect, empathy, and a deep understanding of each other. Relationships do not live without conversations, even in the families of the strongest and most laconic people. This book will help everyone create their own love story by outlining eight critical conversations partners should have before committing to each other. However, nothing prevents you from doing this even when the obligations have already been given, as well as at any moment in life, when it seems that the time has come to renew them. This happens when a child is born or one of the partners loses their job, when serious health problems arise, or when relationships begin to feel stagnant. For it is clear as day: "happily ever after" does not mean the complete absence of difficulties or conflicts. You can't be in a relationship and not fight. It's simply not possible if you behave correctly. Life is always full of stresses, overloads and crises, and your ability or inability to cope with them together can ultimately either make you stronger or break you (we will talk about this in more detail in the section on conflicts). “Happily ever after” means only that both partners know, appreciate, accept each other for who they are and who they become, experiencing changes. The main goal is to be able to love your partner even more with every year spent together.

It's never too soon or too late

We wrote this book because very few couples seek advice on how to build long-lasting, loving relationships. We met and then became friends, creating a kind of educational "idea bank" in the field of relationships - a consortium of experts in the fields of science, psychology and sexuality. It is clear that most couples do not receive any serious relationship training and often do not know how to communicate with each other until the moment when they have to see a therapist, and this often happens too late. At first, we thought that this would be a book for people who are just embarking on the path of a serious relationship. But when they began to invite volunteers - spouses who were ready to take part in the study - to our surprise, the desire to go on "eight dates" was expressed by couples who were at any stage of the relationship. There were couples deciding whether or not to make a commitment, partners who had just moved in together, newly engaged and newlyweds - they all enjoyed these dates very much. But no less they liked the spouses who had been married for more than one year and wanted to deepen existing relationships or refresh those that had lost some of their brilliance. Life invariably takes its toll: work, children and all sorts of crises can separate us from each other. The ideas behind these eight dates and a determined willingness to listen diligently to a partner help us reunite.

If you are in a recent relationship and you are wondering if this is the one you are dating, we recommend that you take the time to talk right now about the factors that will determine your happiness (or unhappiness) later on. And if these conversations lead you to the decision that you are not right for each other, it will allow you to save yourself many years of heartache. Also, these dates will help you understand your differences and prevent further conflicts around “eternal problems”. And if you are in a long-term relationship, then these conversations will help you strengthen them and reduce the number of conflicts. You can even look at your partner with new eyes and go back to the days when you could talk all night, consumed by an impatient desire to get to know each other better.

When it comes to romantic attraction, one recent study has again confirmed that there is no indicator that we can measure in two separate people - and predict whether they will like each other, whether they will have feelings. In this study, conducted by psychologist Samantha Joel of the University of Utah, more than 100 indicators were taken into account - for example, self-esteem, goals, values, feelings of loneliness, expectations from a partner, etc. And none could predict how people would feel after a brief date .

This is not news. All algorithms for finding matching partners are basically useless. Why is it so? Well, one explanation came from a classic German study by Klaus Wedekind dubbed the “sweaty T-shirt test.” The women sniffed the T-shirts worn by different men over the course of two days and chose the one that they thought smelled the best. Wedekind found that women preferred T-shirts from men who were most genetically different from them in a major histocompatibility complex responsible for developing immunity. So we are clearly not looking for our own doubles. Moreover, we are attracted to people who are very different from us. In a 2006 University of New Mexico study of 48 couples, women in couples with the most genetic differences reported higher levels of sexual satisfaction, while women in couples with similar genes reported more fantasizing about others. men, and were more likely to cheat on their husbands. So it turns out that all these algorithms used for dating websites are no better than just a random pairing of two strangers.

So what's the alternative? By observing the interactions of partners, we found that we can indeed predict whether their relationship will work out or be a source of constant frustration. So now we are ready to offer you a set of eight practical conversations with a potential partner. Based on the feelings these conversations elicit, you can guess whether your relationship will be satisfying or not and—if you're already deeply involved with this person—how much work the two of you need to do to make your love last forever. As usual, we started by collecting data. The pairs of volunteers who volunteered to go on these dates agreed to have their most explicit conversations recorded and uploaded to a secure site. We have preserved the anonymity of the couples whose stories and conversations we share in the book by changing their personal details. The conversations are characterized by courage and openness, and we are grateful to all the couples who agreed to share their most intimate conversations. The age of the participants ranged from 21 to 67 years. Of the partners, 32 percent were married, 25 percent were dating seriously, 11 percent were in a committed relationship but had no plans to marry, and 32 percent were engaged or planned to marry. We collected hundreds of hours of recordings of conversations from heterosexual and same-sex couples during dates and discussed the results with many participants in subsequent webinar sessions. Thus, these dates have passed the practical test.

We all need relationships that are healthy and happy, close and passionate, that will allow us to flourish as individuals, as couples, and many (later) as families. We want partnership and cooperation. We want to know that another person will be with us in everything good and bad that life has in store. There is no “too early” or “too late” for these conversations. They will deepen your understanding of each other, allowing you to pay attention to everything that you bring to your relationship - including past experiences and cultural characteristics.

So it turns out that all these algorithms used for dating websites are no better than just a random pairing of two strangers.

Not all conversations will be easy. Not losing love requires a level of openness that is sometimes uncomfortable. Some people find it difficult to talk about sex and intimacy. Others find it difficult to discuss development and spirituality. Still others find it difficult to talk about money problems. You may be worried about questions: will the conversation lead to a quarrel? What if we don't understand each other's point of view? What if we have doubts because of our differences? And that's okay. We will teach you how to ask open-ended questions and really listen to each other's answers. We will give you clear guidelines on how to have these conversations creatively and not turn them into battles.

For newly formed couples, we want to emphasize that conflicts are an integral part of any relationship. But if you begin to avoid conflicts now, then there will be a lot of them later. The early stage of a relationship is not only pleasure and fascination with each other, it is the laying of the foundations of trust and a common future. While you are trying to combine two different lives, two different childhoods, two different family histories, there are bumps along the way. Listen and learn, share and make suggestions. If you approach your dates with an open heart and mind, they will go much better - and your life together will also develop better. We long-term married couples know what it's like to face problems that are difficult to discuss, not to understand each other, even to doubt our marriage. All this is natural - and you, bravely and with full dedication to endure these conversations, will enter into a partnership or marital relationship that will be strong and viable.

News of the day: Differences are the norm. Your differences can enrich relationships if you can understand and accept them. As you conduct the conversations we have suggested, remember that most couples have more differences than similarities. This is fine. The challenge is not to find your “soul mate”, “soul mate” or your alter ego. Our partners do not always have to think the same way as we do. This is what makes life interesting - imagine how boring it would be to be married to yourself! In general, this is exactly what convinced loners do.

Of course, many couples have some core values ​​in common, but there are inevitably areas where they disagree. It is these very differences that initially attract us to each other, but we can run into relationship problems when we later try to change them. Learning to understand and accept those aspects in which we do not agree is the key to creating a lasting connection and enduring love.

One of the extraordinary gifts of relationships and marriage (and there are many of them!) is the ability to see the world through the eyes of a partner. Intimate, deep, serious - as it is impossible with almost any other human being. If you with interest and curiosity begin to study the mystery that your partner is, your relationships and life will be immensely enriched.

The Science of Love

About 45 years ago, John and his colleague Robert Levenson set up a laboratory at Indiana University (later the University of Illinois, the University of Washington, the University of California at Berkeley, and now the Gottman Institute and the Family Relations Research Center in Seattle). John's lab at the University of Washington looked more like a tiny studio apartment, but in reality it was a groundbreaking research center dedicated to finding the truth about marriage and divorce. John posed fundamental research questions for us: can we predict which spouses will divorce and which will stay married, happy or unhappy? And what actually makes a relationship work out well?

In one of our main studies, 130 newlywed couples took turns arriving at an apartment (which has since become permanently nicknamed the "laboratories of love"). They were under round-the-clock surveillance, doing exactly what they would do at home: eating, watching TV, talking, listening to music, reading, cleaning, washing dishes, etc. The environment was completely ordinary - except for the fact that on three cameras were installed on the walls of the apartment, tracking any movement, and each of the participants was wearing a specially designed monitor that recorded physiological indicators. In addition, every time the participants went to the toilet, they were tested to check the level of stress hormones in the urine. John and his research team studied the couple's body language, monitored their vital signs and deciphered every fleeting (up to a hundredth of a second) facial expression. The next morning after a night spent in the "laboratory of love", blood tests were taken from the couple to check the work of the hormonal and immune systems of the body.

The labs included another important part: during a two-hour oral interview, the couple were asked to tell the story of their relationship. John asked how they met and what was their first impression of each other. They then asked them to share what they remember from their courtship, how their relationship developed, and what they enjoyed doing together in the early stages of their relationship. This was followed by a request to think aloud about how their relationship had changed over the years. The difficult times that they had to go through were not ignored either.

• Looking back over the years, what moments in your relationship stand out as really hard times?

• What helped you stay together?

• How did you get through these difficult times?

• What are your ideas about how to get through difficult times?

He then asked the couple to explain how their current relationship differed from the relationship that arose immediately after they met, and asked other questions about how close they were to each other.

• What made you choose this particular person out of all those living on earth to enter into a marriage/serious relationship with him?

• Was the decision easy or difficult?

• What exactly did you experience when you fell in love?

John also asked about the wedding or commitment ceremony, the honeymoon, the first year they lived together, the moments they remembered as really good times, the partner's idea of ​​pleasure and time well spent. He and his colleagues studied the views of spouses on relationships. They asked the participants to think of a couple they knew who had a good relationship and another couple whose relationship was not so good, and try to identify how they were different.

• How would you compare your relationship with each of these couples?

• How is your parents' relationship similar to yours and how is it different?

John then asked about the history of the relationship—major turning points, ups and downs. Finally, there were questions about how much participants currently know about the main anxieties, hopes, dreams and aspirations of their partners.

• How do you keep in touch with each other on a daily basis?

• What are your habitual activities for maintaining emotional contact with each other?

From beginning to end of these interviews, the researchers tracked each person's tone of voice, words, gestures, positive and negative emotions. At the end of the conversation, John also asked each couple to discuss with each other the current conflict that had recently arisen in their relationship, while he simply watched them.

Happy couples are not so different from unhappy couples; they just know how to correct mistakes in order to regain the joy of being together.

This was a meticulous, methodical and thorough study. The end result was the ability to determine, with 94 percent accuracy, which marriages would last and which would eventually fall apart. (After the study was published, John and Julie received far fewer dinner invitations.) For those couples who kept their marriages together, John could also predict which relationships would be happy and which would not. John and Robert continued to track these couples and hundreds of other couples through the "love lab" for decades. As a result, detailed information on more than 3,000 relationships was collected.

Positive or negative

After ten years of working through data obtained in the "love laboratory", John found that there is one variable that determines the success or failure of a marriage - the positive or negative attitude of the spouses during the interview. There were practically no intermediate options. Partners either emphasized their joint joys and minimized their sorrows, or talked mostly about sorrows and briefly mentioned joys. They either talked about the positive qualities of the partner and tried to smooth out the annoying ones, or pointed out the negative features, but did not seem to notice the positive ones.

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