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Least favorite child syndrome


7 Long-Term Psychological Effects Of Feeling Like You Weren't The Favorite Child

Life

by Kristine Fellizar

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Growing up with siblings should feel like a blessing. But if you grew up feeling like you were neglected because you were not the favorite child, having a sibling can feel like more of a curse. According to experts, there can be some long-term psychological effects of feeling neglected as a child. However, it's not always bad.

"In my work with clients, it’s clear that those who 'felt' as if they were not a favorite feel the impact on a deep level," Dr. Carla Marie Manly, clinical psychologist and author, tells Bustle. For anyone who feels this way, this is an issue worth exploring because "being the favorite" is important on an early developmental level.

According to Dr. Manly, when we feel like our parents love us best, we instinctively know that we'll be watched over and cared for just a little bit more. "This results in feelings of safety and security," she says. "From this vantage point, feeling 'special' or knowing that you're the favorite can provide a lifelong foundation of security."

When parents favor one child and neglect the other, more often than not, Dr. Manly says it's done unconsciously. But there are certain parents who knowingly create toxic environments for their kids by using favoritism to create sibling rivalries. Regardless, feeling like the least favorite child can affect you in many different ways. So here are some long-term effects of being neglected in this way, according to experts.

1

You're More Likely To Develop A Habit Of Comparing Yourself To Others

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It's completely common to compare yourself to others. But if you weren't the favorite, the comparisons you make can affect you on a deeper level. According to licensed marriage and family therapist, Heidi McBain, you may never feel like you'll live up to others. "You may not feel comfortable being who you truly are in relationships because you never felt like you were good enough compared to your siblings growing up," McBain says. You may even feel like you need to be perfect in order for the people in your life to love and care about you. It's hard to stop comparing yourself to others, especially if it's something you've been doing since you were a kid. Adopting habits that encourage self-love, like practicing gratitude, can help you appreciate yourself more.

2

You May Hold Yourself Back In Relationships

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If you always got shut down whenever you asked for something but your sibling didn't, it can make you feel like your needs aren't as important as others. It can leave you feeling guarded and more closed off when it comes to expressing your feelings. "You may even second guess yourself because you put the wants and needs of others above your own," McBain says. "You see others as more important than yourself. " If this is a problem in your relationships, it's important to find a partner that you truly trust. If you find someone that you feel safe with, you can learn to slowly open up and be more comfortable with asking for the things you want.

3

You May Not Feel Like You Can Have A Close Relationship With Your Sibling

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Sometimes sibling rivalry can occur as a result of favoritism. "Rivalry and competition often creates difficult and even toxic dynamics," Dr. Manly says. "When siblings 'compete' for feelings of love and affection, the lifelong effects can be challenging." When you've always seen your sibling as competition, it can be hard to break out of that mindset. But it's important to try and forgive your siblings and parents for any harm they've done, whether they were conscious of it or not. As Dr. Manly says, "When you forgive deeply and truly, you set yourself free."

4

You May Develop A Defeatist Attitude

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Being unfavored can make you feel defeated and unmotivated. "This typically happens because as the child, you’re constantly working hard to get your parents’ support and affirmation," Adina Mahalli, certified mental health expert, tells Bustle. When it doesn't happen, you may start feeling like nobody cares anyway, so what's the point? The reality is, it's not always possible for parents to treat their children "equally" because each child is different, Mahalli says. So it's OK to cut your parents some slack. But if you feel like you're being treated unfairly, it's a conversation you may want to bring up with your parents. Sometimes, people don't realize that what they're doing is hurtful.

5

You May Do Better In More Independent Relationships

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If you weren't the favorite, you may have learned to be more dependent on yourself early on. "This means you may need to find a spouse who isn't looking for someone to be overly nurtured and coddled as you are used to just getting things done in life," Belinda Ginter, certified emotional kinesiologist, tells Bustle. In order to have a successful relationship, you may need a partner who loves your independence and doesn't have codependent tendencies.

6

You Have More Freedom To Do Your Own Thing

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Not being the favorite can also impact you in positive ways as an adult. "There's a pleasure point to being the underdog," Ginter says. "Since the pressure and spotlight was never on you, I think that drives you to be strong, driven and confident for sure in your later years." It also allows you to have more freedom to be creative and thrive in your own time. "You have the advantage of being your own secret weapon," she says.

7

You May Have A More Grounded Approach To Success

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If you never felt pressured to succeed or live up to a certain ideal, Ginter says this can make you OK with who you are. You're just doing your very best, which can make you more grounded than others.

"There's really no need to overcome not being the favorite," she says. "Just be proud being 100 percent, authentically and unapologetically you. Your upbringing has made you the amazing person you are, and it doesn't matter if you view it as a negative or positive experience."

But if you feel like this is an issue that's impacting your life in a big way and it's hard to deal with on your own, a therapist may be able to help.

Editor's Note: If you or someone you know is seeking help for mental health concerns, visit the National Alliance on Mental Health (NAMI) website, or call 1-800-950-NAMI(6264). For confidential treatment referrals, visit the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) website, or call the National Helpline at 1-800-662-HELP(4357). In an emergency, contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK(8255) or call 911.

Don’t Play Favorites: New Findings on Parent-Child Relationships in America

Few aspects of childhood have a more unique or enduring impact than sibling relationships. Nearly eight in 10 Americans grew up with at least one sibling, making them a more ubiquitous presence in early life than fathers. But the ubiquity of these relationships belies what is known about their influence. Much of the debate about the influence of siblings has often centered on birth order—whether someone was an eldest, youngest, or middle child. Recent work had discounted the influence that birth order has on personality. Less attention has been devoted to understanding the way having siblings alters childhood experiences and how sibling relationships are themselves affected by family dynamics such as divorce and parental favoritism.

Most Americans with siblings report that they had at least a reasonably close relationship with their brothers and sisters growing up. Roughly eight in 10 Americans with siblings say they had a very close (41 percent) or somewhat close (37 percent) relationship with them. Twenty-two percent report they were not too close or not at all close with their siblings.

Birth order may play a role in the type of relationship siblings have with each other. Middle children are generally more likely to report having a close relationship with their siblings. Nearly half (48 percent) of middle children report having a very close relationship with their siblings, compared to 40 percent of eldest children and 35 percent of youngest children.

But other family dynamics may influence the contours of sibling relationships as well. The marital status of parents during formative years may also play a role in how close siblings feel to one another. Men who grew up with divorced parents report feeling more distant from their siblings compared to men whose parents were married report. Only 29 percent of men whose parents were divorced report having a very close relationship with their siblings growing up, compared to 41 percent of men whose parents were married for most of their childhood. The relationship women have with their siblings does not appear to be affected by parental divorce in the same way.

Although many Americans describe their relationship with their siblings as being at least somewhat close in childhood, only about half (51 percent) report being very or completely satisfied with the current relationship they have with their sibling or siblings. Thirty percent report that they are only somewhat satisfied, and 18 percent report being unsatisfied with their relationship.

Even among Americans who describe their childhood relationship as being very close, only about seven in 10 (69 percent) report being very or completely satisfied with the relationship they have with their siblings as an adult. Among those who describe their formative relationship as being “somewhat close,” less than half (46 percent) report being completely or very satisfied.

There is evidence that parents may play an important role in helping establish strong sibling connections. There is a strong correlation between how satisfied Americans are with the relationship they have with their parents and their siblings. Simply put, Americans who are very or completely satisfied with the relationship they have with their parents are very likely to feel the same about their relationship with their siblings.

Parental Favoritism

Parental favoritism—the perception that there was a favorite child in the family—may be an important factor influencing the quality of sibling relationships.

Many Americans who grew up with siblings believe their parents had a favorite child. Forty percent of Americans who grew up with siblings report that their parents had a favorite child. Sixty percent say they do not believe their parents had a favorite.

Women are more likely than men to perceive parental favoritism among siblings. Close to half (45 percent) of women compared to 35 percent of men say their parents had a favorite child.

Americans raised by divorced parents are more likely to believe their parents had a favorite than are those raised by parents who were married during their formative years. More than half (51 percent) of Americans who report their parents were divorced for most of their childhood believe their parents had a favorite child. Thirty-eight percent of Americans whose parents were married perceived their parents as having a favorite.

There is a strong correlation between how satisfied Americans are with the relationship they have with their parents and their siblings.

Who’s the Favorite? 

Men are much more likely than women to report being the family favorite. One-third (33 percent) of men who believe their parents picked favorites say they were the favorite in their family. Less than one-quarter (23 percent) of women believe they were their parents’ favorite.

Youngest children are generally more likely to report that they were their parents’ favorite. This is particularly true of youngest boys. Overall, 38 percent of Americans who are the youngest in their family report they were the favorite, compared to 27 percent of those who were oldest. Middle children are the least likely to say they were a favorite child; only 20 percent believe they were. Forty-four percent of men who were youngest say they were the family favorite. Women who were middle children are least likely to believe they were a favorite child; only 17 percent report that they were.

The Negative Consequences of Favoritism 

Past research has shown that parental favoritism can have lasting negative effects on relationships, personal self-esteem, and feelings of social connection. Americans who grew up in families that perceived their parents had a favorite were much less close to their siblings when they were growing up than were those who do not believe their parents had a favorite child. Among those who believe their parents had a favorite child, only 30 percent say they were very close to their siblings growing up. In contrast, nearly half (48 percent) of Americans who were raised in households in which parents did not have a favorite child say they felt very close to their siblings.  

But it’s not just sibling relationships that may be affected. Americans are far more likely to report having a positive relationship with their parents when they did not perceive them as having a preferred child. More than two-thirds (68 percent) of Americans who say their parents did not have a favorite child report being very or completely satisfied with the relationship they have or had with their parents. Less than half (47 percent) of Americans who believe their parents had a favorite report being satisfied with their relationship. Even Americans who believe they were the favorite do not report having as close a relationship with their parents as those who say their parents did not have a favorite child. Just 55 percent of favorite children are satisfied with their relationship with their parents.

What’s more, perception of parental favoritism may have an enduring effect on sibling relationships later in life. Even as adults, Americans who perceived that their parents had a favorite child are much less likely to report being satisfied with their sibling relationship than those who believe their parents did not pick favorites report. Fifty-eight percent of Americans who say their parents did not have a favorite child are very or completely satisfied with the relationship they have with their siblings today, compared to 42 percent of those who say their parents had a favorite.

Parental favoritism is also associated with childhood loneliness. Americans who report that their parents had a favorite child are far more likely to report that they felt lonely growing up. Forty percent of Americans who believe their parents had a favorite report feeling lonely at least once a week growing up, compared to 18 percent of those who believe their parents did not.

Being thought of as less preferred is strongly associated with educational expectations as well. More than half (51 percent) of Americans who report they were the favorite in their family say it was expected they would go to a four-year college. Less than one-third (32 percent) of those who say they were not the favorite report it was expected they would attend college.

Birth Order, Only Children, and Childhood Loneliness

Perhaps due to their relatively close relationship to other siblings, middle children report that they felt lonely less often growing up than other Americans report. Less than one-third (30 percent) of middle children report that they felt lonely growing up at least a couple times a month. Thirty-six percent of youngest children and 41 percent of oldest children report having felt lonely this often. Only children report feeling lonely much more frequently. Nearly half (49 percent) say growing up they felt lonely at least once or twice a month.

Women who say they are only children report having felt lonely much more often during their childhood than their male counterparts did. A majority (55 percent) of women who are only children say they felt lonely at least a couple times a month growing up, compared to 42 percent of men who are only children. Nearly three in 10 (29 percent) women who are only children say they felt lonely at least a couple times a week.

Although being an only child is associated with more frequent feelings of childhood loneliness, there is little evidence to suggest these experiences have much bearing on our social lives as adults. Only children report having roughly the same number of close friends as those who grew up with siblings and are just as satisfied with their social lives today.

Despite often feeling lonely growing up, there is some evidence that middle children experience the feeling of being overlooked or forgotten. Middle children are far less likely than their siblings or Americans who were only children to say their family expected them to attend a four-year college. A majority (54 percent) of only children and about half (48 percent) of eldest children report that growing up there was a family expectation that they would go to college. Forty-three percent of youngest children report that it was expected they would attend college, but only 35 percent of middle children say this.

Daniel Cox is the founder and director of the Survey Center on American Life and a senior research fellow at the American Enterprise Institute.

Editor’s Note: This essay is excerpted with permission from "Emerging Trends and Enduring Patterns in American Family Life," the February 2022 report from AEI's Survey Center on American Life.

The unloved child syndrome: how to correct the mistakes of parents (and not repeat them)

The unloved child syndrome is a phenomenon in psychology, which is characterized by the presence of problems in the adult life of a person whose childhood was far from ideal. Often this syndrome becomes a "dynastic" trait—parents who failed to give their children enough love also failed to teach them how to raise their own child, resulting in a program that is passed down from one generation to the next. Together with psychologist Evgenia Zubareva, we study the issue in more detail and figure out what to do.

The first thing that is important to say in the context of the subject of the unloved child syndrome is that it is impossible to teach reading if you yourself do not know the alphabet. In other words, you cannot learn to give love to your child if you yourself have not received it from your parents.

Based on my experience as a practicing psychologist, I can note that the presence of neuroses or neurotic states in 90% of cases are found in those groups of people who did not receive emotional closeness from their parents in childhood. The unloved child syndrome usually affects fundamental aspects of the personality, such as self-esteem, socialization in society, and emotional intelligence. If a child experienced a lack of something in childhood, then he will undoubtedly try to compensate for this in adulthood, without realizing it. Many of these people throughout their lives are desperately trying to close the void inside, waiting for someone else to appear and love, support, praise, protect, take care. However, most often this does not happen, and hopes remain illusory dreams.

An unloved child, as an adult, strives to prove to the world that he is good, that he deserves to be loved and accepted. At the same time, having achieved success, such people begin to devalue their own achievements, not allowing themselves to be happy. There is an emptiness inside their soul that can exist throughout life, causing internal suffering - which is why attempts to satisfy their need for love will continue again and again. Such people often take the position of the "Rescuer", compensating for the lost intimacy through helping others, and the "Tyrant", who prefers to win love by force.

The other side of dislike in childhood is low self-esteem, complexes, vulnerability. All this causes deep emotional experiences that interfere with achieving goals and results. In critical cases, such traumas lead to the inability to socialize in society, social phobia, mental problems, such as depression, neurosis, anxiety, because for such people the possibility of being rejected seems to be the most terrible test, which leads to the fact that people fall into the trap of their own mind.

Consider the ten main signs of the adults in an adult of a disgusting child:

  • Infentation to be happy

  • Distrust of the people and the world as a whole

  • Neurotic relations, Abuez

  • The tendency to dependencies (frustrations eating behavior, alcohol abuse, workaholism)

  • Fear of making mistakes, perfectionism, excellent student syndrome ( Read also : excellent student syndrome: why the standards imposed by society interfere with career and personal happiness)

  • Problems with their own children

  • Low self -assessment

  • difficulties in the control and manifestation of emotions

  • Mental problems (anxiety, panic attacks, depression).

If you find yourself with more than three signs from the list, it's time to think about working with a specialist, since it is very difficult to work through these problems on your own. It is important to understand that in adulthood, only you can “love”, protect, understand, and accept yourself, and until this happens, unsuccessful scenarios will repeat in your life, and the inner pain will never subside. Pay attention to how you manifest yourself in relationships with your children - having worked through your own traumas, you will be able to give your child what you lacked so much in childhood.

Clinical psychologist, cognitive-behavioral psychotherapist

Photo: Getty Images

what is dangerous, how it affects a person

Contents

  • The concept of "dislike"
  • Signs of an unloved child
  • Distrust
  • Inability to control emotions
  • Depression
  • Fear of making a mistake
  • Vulnerability
  • Problems with own children
  • Desire to separate from parents   

According to psychologists, children who were not loved in childhood often have problems in adulthood (as do children who have been overprotected by their parents). They do not develop relationships with others, various complexes become their life partners. Parents rarely think about how their children feel or think. They, in turn, feel deprived if adults do not pay attention to them.

The concept of "unlovedness"

In psychology, there is a term "unloved child syndrome". It manifests itself in the fact that an adult is sure of his inferiority and strives to make sure that he is not worthy of love and good relations.

Such people suffer from low self-esteem and the manifestation of all the consequences that follow from this. They are unsure of themselves they believe that they will never succeed in anything.

People who suffer from the dislike syndrome tend to move away from their parents as they grow up. They ignore them just like they did when they were kids

Syndrome is caused by parents' inability to express their feelings. Often they replace manifestations of love by buying a lot of different expensive toys for the child, pampering him. But love implies first of all manifestation of feelings . Hugs, time spent together, heart-to-heart talks bring them closer than expensive toys.

Embracing a child

Every situation is different. Some children show great independence and self-sufficiency, others need support. Parents strive for comfort, and for this they spend a lot of time on earning money. The child gets very little attention, at his age it is difficult to understand.

Another situation is when there are several children in the family . The younger ones sometimes get more love, or so it seems to the older ones. It seems to them that everyone is busy with a brother or sister, but they have been forgotten about. Grievances appear, the child becomes irritable, aggressive. When parents notice these tendencies in time, talk to him, try to understand his feelings, it is possible to stop the process.

If a mother manages to give all the children the same amount of warmth, if they spend a lot of time together in a friendly atmosphere, this is great

Sometimes a woman gives birth to an unwanted, unplanned child . She is offended by fate, that he gives her worries, ruined her figure. It's good if there is a dad who will make up for the lack of love. Otherwise, the baby may acquire "unloved child syndrome."

Unwanted child

Signs of an unloved child

There are several signs indicating that a person did not receive enough attention, care and love in childhood. In adult life, this omission is extremely difficult to correct, and in some cases it is simply impossible.

Distrustfulness

Lack of a stable, friendly home environment in a baby gives rise to a feeling of distrust towards people. This guarantees problems in communication, establishing relationships, in your own family, if it appears.

Inability to control emotions

Unloved children often experience unreasonable anxiety due to their insecurity. They do not know how to control negative, destructive emotions. In this case, they do not develop the ability to withstand stress, emotional pressure.

Emotions of the child

Depressiveness

In adult life, in unloved children, the tendency to depression progresses. People show apathy, detachment. This is especially true for women, as they are dependent on the hormonal background.

Fear of making a mistake

Indifferent or very busy parents have little interest in the child's progress . Even if he has some talents, they don't get developed. In addition, a person is not sure of the correctness of his actions. Parents rarely explain to him how to do the right thing, but for mistakes made scolded. This greatly affects his further socialization.

Such people are extremely indecisive precisely because of the fear of making a mistake

Vulnerability

Any remark or carelessly spoken word hurts a person. He feels that society is against him. Fear of rejection haunts.

Vulnerable child

Problems with own children

Three scenarios are possible here . People will raise their children by analogy with their own family, based on the example of their parents. Their argument will be: "I grew up, and they will grow up." According to another scenario, people will pamper children , since they themselves received less care and attention in childhood. Both cases are a lack of education and can lead to bad consequences. If the unloved child is lucky, he met a person who was brought up in a harmonious environment, then there will be no problems with education.

The desire to separate from parents

Parents' indifference generates a response feeling in maturing children . As a rule, they tend to move to live in another city, find their own housing or start their own family and separate. Contacts with relatives do not evoke pleasant memories for them, so they feel more comfortable away.

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