Getting rid of jealousy

How to Not Be Jealous: 12 Tips and Tricks

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Pro tip

Broach the topic of jealousy when you can both dedicate some time to a productive conversation. Whenever possible, try to avoid getting into a serious topic right before bed or when you’re about to head out the door.

Your partner may not have noticed the behavior, or they may not have realized how you felt about it. Use the opportunity to talk over any relationship boundaries you might want to revisit, or discuss ways to keep your relationship strong.

If you trust your partner but have doubts because of past relationship experiences, try finding a few ways you both can help improve the situation.

If you feel nervous about mentioning jealous feelings, try to remember they’re totally normal. Your partner might even have had some jealous feelings of their own at some point.

Jealousy can sometimes give you a slightly warped sense of reality. You might wonder if that nonverbal flirting you swear you saw actually happened.

Sometimes, voicing these concerns to a third party can make the situation less frightening and help you gain some perspective.

Jealousy can be a complex, strong emotion, and you might not feel very good when you’re dealing with it. But instead of thinking of it as something negative, try looking at it as a helpful source of information.

Jealousy, according to Swenson, tells you there’s a difference between what you have and what you want.

She adds that unchecked jealousy can turn into self-blame and create a cycle that keeps you feeling deprived. But you may be able to manage it by identifying it as helpful information that you can use to create circumstances in which your needs are met.

Jealousy sometimes develops in response to a partial picture. In other words, you might be comparing yourself and your own achievements and attributes to an idealized or incomplete view of someone else.

People typically display their best selves to the world, so it’s not always easy to tell what’s really happening in someone else’s life or relationship. Then there’s the whole issue of social media, which magnifies this concept.

But you never truly know what someone’s going through, especially when you’re just looking at social media.

Your college friend with the Facebook photos of her and her husband out in a meadow, looking so carefree and happy? For all you know, they argued all the way out there and they’re sweating bullets under all that matching plaid.

A little gratitude can go a long way. It can not only reduce feelings of jealousy, but also relieve stress.

You might not have everything you want. Most of us don’t. But you probably have at least some of what you want. Maybe you even have some good things in your life you didn’t expect.

This can help whether you’re eyeing your friend’s fancy new bike or wishing your partner didn’t spend quite so much time with friends. Remind yourself of your sturdy, reliable bike that gets you where you need to go. Consider the benefits of having a partner who appreciates the value of friendship.

Even appreciating positive things in your life that don’t relate to jealousy can help you realize that, while your life may not be perfect (but whose life is?), you’ve still got some good things going for you.

Coping with jealousy as it comes up won’t help you work through underlying causes. But it can help to keep the distress at bay until you can deal with the underlying issues.

Turning your attention away from jealousy can also help keep you from acting on your feelings (and doing something that could harm a relationship or friendship).

Take a break

Try these strategies to distract yourself from jealous thoughts before they become overwhelming:

Write down what you feel.
Take a walk.
Give yourself space by leaving the situation.
Take 10 minutes to do something calming.

Jealousy that persists and causes distress can sometimes relate to anxiety or self-esteem issues, explains Vicki Botnick, LMFT. “Learning how to deal with either issue can automatically help soothe jealousy.”

One way to approach low self-esteem involves identifying personal values, such as compassion, communication, or honesty. This helps, according to Botnick, because it lets you check whether you’re upholding these values in your daily life.

It also gives you a chance to notice your positive traits and review what’s important to you. This can increase your sense of self-respect and may help decrease distressing feelings of inferiority or competitiveness.

Anxiety can have a range of symptoms that might be more difficult to address on your own. Coping techniques can help (find some tips here), but therapy can also be a good option.

Botnick also suggests trying an anxiety workbook like The Mindful Way Workbook.

It uses principles of mindfulness-based cognitive therapy to help you to:

increase acceptance around anxious feelings so they don’t overwhelm you
recognize unwanted or distressing thoughts so you can challenge and replace them

When jealousy prompts you to compare yourself to others, your self-worth can end up taking a hit. Your life might be pretty enviable to someone else, after all. But jealousy can make you feel like nothing you have is good enough.

Research exploring a possible link between jealousy and self-esteem found evidence to suggest jealousy can develop when you face a threat to your self-esteem.

To combat low self-esteem:

Remind yourself of things you do well.
Practice self-compassion (in other words, treat yourself the way you would a close friend).
Practice daily affirmations or exchange them with your partner.
Remind yourself of the things you value in your partner and relationship.
Make time to do things you enjoy.

Mindfulness techniques help you pay attention to your thoughts and feelings as they come up without judging or criticizing them. Increasing your awareness around jealousy can help you notice any patterns it follows, including things that happen before you feel jealous.

Mindfulness can also help you feel more comfortable with jealousy. For example, it can help you notice and accept your jealous feelings for what they are — part of your emotional experience — and move on.

Not judging the jealousy, or yourself for feeling it, can help keep it from affecting you negatively.

If you’ve experienced jealousy before, you probably already know that jealousy fades with time. It might feel less intense after you deal with your feelings, of course, but it can also lessen once whatever you felt jealous about is over.

According to research that looked at the experience of jealousy, people are generally more likely to feel jealous right before something happens, rather than after.

As time passes, you’re also less likely to feel the need to compare yourself or your circumstances to someone else. But the positive feelings you have stay.

So, while you might feel jealous as your best friend’s wedding date approaches, on the day after the wedding you might feel less jealous and more just happy for your friend.

If you’re having trouble coping with jealous thoughts on your own, talking to a therapist can help.

It’s not always easy to talk about jealousy. You might feel even more uncomfortable sharing these thoughts with someone you don’t know. But a good therapist will meet you with kindness and compassion.

Plus, they know better than anyone that jealousy is a normal emotion that everyone feels at some point.

Botnick shares a few signs that suggest talking to a therapist could be helpful:

Jealousy leads to obsessive or fixated thoughts.
You notice compulsive behaviors.
Jealous thoughts become uncontrollable or intrusive.
You have violent thoughts or urges.
Jealous feelings trigger problematic behaviors, like following your partner or checking up on them constantly.
Jealousy affects your day-to-day life, prevents you from doing things you want to do, or causes other distress.

“If you constantly need to check out your social media feed, your partner’s phone, or what the people in line at Starbucks are wearing, then you can no longer be present in your own life, and that’s a problem,” Botnick concludes.

Jealousy can help you focus on who (and what) you care about. It doesn’t have to cause problems for you or your relationships. It can even help relationships become stronger in some cases. It all comes down to how you use it.

Online therapy options

Read our review of the best online therapy options to find the right fit for you.

Jealousy Is a Killer: How to Break Free From Your Jealousy

Jealousy is a killer. Relationships end because of jealous conflicts, and people kill other people because they are jealous.

Imagine this. You are at a party and someone is friendly and you smile. Your partner thinks that you are betraying her. Or your partner tells you a funny story about a former lover, and you feel threatened. You feel the anger and the anxiety rising inside you, and you don’t know what to do.

Susan could identify with this. She would glare at her partner, trying to send him a “message” that she was really annoyed and hurt. She hoped he would get the message. At times, she would withdraw into pouting, hoping to punish him for showing an interest in someone else. But it didn’t work. He just felt confused.

At other times Susan would ask him if she still found her attractive. Was he getting bored with her? Was she his type? At first, he would reassure her, but then — with repeated demands from her for more reassurance — he began to wonder why she felt so insecure. Maybe she wasn’t the right one for him.

And when things got more difficult for Susan, she would yell at him, “Why don’t you go home with her? It’s obvious you want to!”

These kinds of jealous conflicts can end a relationship.

But if you are jealous, does that mean there's something terribly wrong with you?

My colleague, Dennis Tirch, and I just published a paper on jealousy — and how to handle it. Click here to get a copy of the article that appeared in the International Journal of Cognitive Therapy. We describe a step-by-step approach to helping people cope with their jealousy.

Let's look at what is going on when you are jealous, and how you can handle it.

Jealousy is angry, agitated worry.

When we are jealous, we worry that our partner might find someone else more appealing, and we fear that he or she will reject us. Since we feel threatened that our partner might find someone more attractive, we may activate jealousy as a way to cope with this danger. We may believe that our jealousy will keep us from being surprised, help us defend our rights, and force our partner to give up interests elsewhere. Similar to worry, jealousy may be a “strategy” that we use so that we can figure out what is going wrong or learn what our partner “really feels.” We may also think that jealousy can motivate us to give up on the relationship — so that we don’t get hurt anymore. If you are feeling jealous, it’s important to ask yourself what you hope to gain from your jealousy. We view jealousy as a coping strategy.

Similar to other forms of worry, jealousy leads us to focus only on the negative. We interpret our partner’s behavior as reflecting a loss of interest in us or a growing interest in someone else: “He finds her attractive,” or “He is yawning, because I am boring.” Like other forms of worry, jealousy leads us to take things personally and to mind-read negative emotions in other people: “She’s getting dressed up to attract other guys. ”

Jealousy can be an adaptive emotion.

People have different reasons — in different cultures — for being jealous. But jealousy is a universal emotion. In The Dangerous Passion, evolutionary psychologist David Buss makes a good case that jealousy has evolved as a mechanism to defend our interests. After all, our ancestors who drove off competitors were more likely to have their genes survive. Indeed, intruding males (whether among lions or humans) have been known to kill off the infants or children of the displaced male. Jealousy was a way in which vital interests could be defended.

We believe that it is important to normalize jealousy as an emotion. Telling people “You must be neurotic if you are jealous” or “You must have low self-esteem” will not work. In fact, jealousy — in some cases — may reflect high self-esteem: “I won’t allow myself to be treated this way.”

Jealousy may reflect your higher values.

Psychologists — especially psychoanalysts — have looked at jealousy as a sign of deep-seated insecurities and personality defects. We view jealousy as a much more complicated emotion. In fact, jealousy may actually reflect your higher values of commitment, monogamy, love, honesty, and sincerity. You may feel jealous, because you want a monogamous relationship, and you fear that you will lose what is valuable to you. We find it helpful to validate these values in our patients who are jealous.

Some people may say, “You don’t own the other person.” Of course, this is true — and any loving relationship with mutuality is based on freedom. But it is also based on choices that two free people make. If your partner freely chooses to go off with someone else, then you may rest assured that you have good reason to feel jealous. We don’t own each other, but we do make affirmations about our commitment to each other.

But if your higher values are based on honesty, commitment, and monogamy, your jealousy may jeopardize the relationship. You are in a bind. You don’t want to give up on your higher values — but you don’t want to feel overwhelmed by your jealousy.

Jealous feelings are different from jealous behaviors.

Just as there is a difference between feeling angry and acting in a hostile way, there is a difference between feeling jealous and acting on your jealousy. It’s important to realize that your relationship is more likely to be jeopardized by your jealous behavior — such as continual accusations, reassurance-seeking, pouting, and acting out. Stop and say to yourself, “I know that I am feeling jealous, but I don’t have to act on it.”

Notice that it is a feeling inside you. But you have a choice of whether you act on it.

What choice will be in your interest?

Accept and observe your jealous thoughts and feelings.

When you notice that you are feeling jealous, take a moment, breathe slowly, and observe your thoughts and feelings. Recognize that jealous thoughts are not the same thing as a reality. You may think that your partner is interested in someone else, but that doesn’t mean that he really is. Thinking and reality are different.

You don’t have to obey your jealous feelings and thoughts.

Notice that your feelings of anger and anxiety may increase while you stand back and observe these experiences. Accept that you can have an emotion — and allow it to be. You don’t have to “get rid of the feeling.” We have found that mindfully standing back and observing that an emotion is there can often lead to the feeling weakening on its own.

Recognize that uncertainty is part of every relationship.

Like many worries, jealousy seeks certainty. “I want to know for sure that he isn’t interested in her.” Or, “I want to know for sure that we won’t break up.” Ironically, some people will even precipitate a crisis in order to get the certainty: “I’ll break things off with her before she breaks up with me!”

But uncertainty is part of life, and we have to learn how to accept it. Uncertainty is one of those limitations that we can’t really do anything about. You can never know for sure that your partner won’t reject you. But if you accuse, demand, and punish, you might create a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Examine your assumptions about relationships.

Your jealousy may be fueled by unrealistic ideas about relationships. These may include beliefs that past relationships (that your partner had) are a threat to your relationship. Or you may believe that “My partner should never be attracted to anyone else.” You may also believe that your emotions (of jealousy and anxiety) are a “sign” that there is a problem. We call this “emotional reasoning” — and it is often a very bad way to make decisions.

Or you may have problematic beliefs about how to feel more secure. For example, you may believe that you can force your partner to love you — or force him or her to lose interest in someone else. You may believe that withdrawing and pouting will send a message to your partner — and lead him to try to get closer to you. But withdrawing may lead your partner to lose interest instead.

Sometimes your assumptions about relationships are affected by your childhood experiences or past intimate relationships. If your parents had a difficult divorce, because your father left your mother for someone else, you may be more prone to believe that this will happen to you. Or you may have been betrayed in a recent relationship, and you now think that your current relationship will be a replay of this.

You may also believe that you have little to offer — who would want to be with you? If your jealousy is based on this belief, then you might examine the evidence for and against this idea. For example, one woman thought she had little to offer. But when I asked her what she would want in an ideal partner — intelligence, warmth, emotional closeness, creativity, fun, lots of interests — she realized that she was describing herself! If she were so undesirable, then why would she see herself as an ideal partner?

Use effective relationship skills.

You don’t have to rely on jealousy and jealous behavior to make your relationship more secure. You can use more effective behavior. This includes becoming more rewarding to each other — “Catch your partner doing something positive.” Praise each other, plan positive experiences with each other, and try to refrain from criticism, sarcasm, labeling, and contempt. Learn how to share responsibility in solving problems — use “mutual problem-solving skills.” Set up “pleasure days” with each other by developing a “menu” of positive and pleasurable behaviors you want from each other. For example, you can say, “Let’s set up a day this week that will be your pleasure day, and a day that will be my pleasure day.” Make a list of pleasant and simple behaviors you want from each other: “I’d like a foot rub"; "Talk with me about my work"; "Let’s cook a meal together"; or "Let’s go for a walk in the park.”

Jealousy seldom makes relationships more secure. Practicing effective relationship behaviors is often a much better alternative. For more information about how to improve your relationship, click here. Below is an outline from the Leahy and Tirch (2008) article on the nature of jealousy.

Source: Robert Leahy

How to deal with jealousy: advice from a psychologist in the capital

Jealousy is one of the most common reasons women turn to psychologists. Many women tend to experience a constant painful state of inner fear, fear of losing an object that is significant to them. According to experts, to one degree or another, jealousy is present in everyone. We can be jealous of friends, colleagues, family members, it all depends on the degree of emotional closeness. What is jealousy and where does it come from, says Nina Kizrina, a psychologist at the Hope branch of the Crisis Center for Women and Children. nine0004

Bring peace to the family

32-year-old Tatyana turned to the Crisis Center for Women and Children. She has been married to Mikhail for 12 years, her husband holds a managerial position and spends a lot of time at work.

Until June 2020, the woman had no idea that her husband could cheat on her. But after the long-term and happy marriage of her best friend collapsed before our eyes due to infidelity, Tatyana was seriously worried. In just a few weeks, she worked herself up so that she could not close her eyes. It began to seem to the woman that Mikhail had been deceiving her for a long time. Thus began endless surveillance of her husband, and over time this led to frequent conflicts in the family, which had not happened before. Tatyana realized that unreasonable jealousy would not lead to good, and turned to professional psychologists for help. nine0011

“The psychologist has developed a plan for individual interviews. Meetings with Tatyana were held once or twice a week for three months. In the process of work, it was possible to restore the emotional background, remove obsessive and disturbing thoughts, harmonize the relationship between the spouses and return peace to the family, ”says the specialist .

What is jealousy like

Jealousy is a bright, negative, emotional sense of possessiveness, reinforced by egoism, the desire to completely control another person, which is usually expressed in distrust, suspicion, in painful doubts about loyalty and love. nine0007
Psychologists distinguish three types of jealousy: rational, irrational, delusional jealousy.

Rational jealousy arises when there is really a real threat to lose the object of love.

Irrational jealousy is not connected with reality and is based mainly on imagination and fantasy. It occurs in people with a vivid imagination who suffer from inferiority complexes, who have suffered mental trauma in childhood.
nine0035 Delusions of jealousy - inadequate, unreasonable jealousy, reaching the point of mental pathology. Basically, this type of jealousy occurs in people with mental disorders (schizophrenia, paranoid disorder, alcoholism, drug addiction).

How jealousy is born

The feeling of jealousy is formed in the period from one to three years. In the family, the child learns how to interact with each other, what should be the relationship of parents. The kid sees how mom and dad communicate, take care of each other, solve problems. nine0007
As a rule, a jealous woman in most cases chooses a man for her husband who will stimulate this feeling. The origins of the causes of jealousy come from parent-child relationships - lack of love in childhood, physical or sexual abuse, genetic predisposition, childhood psychological trauma. Growing up, a jealous woman on an unconscious level begins to play her scenario from childhood - the psychological trauma of rejection, fearing its repetition. Later, this behavior acts as a form of betrayal prevention. nine0007
« Jealousy may be caused by competition between siblings who claim special status from their parents; identification with the deceived parent when the other parent is cheating; dysfunctional relationships in the parental family - alcoholism, physical abuse, infidelity of the parent of the opposite sex , ”says the specialist.

Causes of jealousy in older age - self-doubt, low self-esteem in sexual terms, the presence of an inferiority complex, uselessness, underestimation of one's own abilities and capabilities. Also, the causes of jealousy can be emotional dependence, fear of losing an object of love or loneliness, an excessive sense of ownership, an unlimited right to possess another person. nine0007
One of the manifestations of jealousy is sadomasochism. The experiences of jealousy here are closely connected with self-torment, with manifestations of masochistic tendencies.

“ The jealous one gets a kind of pleasure from the torment experienced during constant surveillance, looking for evidence of a partner’s betrayal”, - Svetlana notes.

An important cause of jealousy is the neurotic need for control. If a jealous woman misses the opportunity to control her partner, then she begins to panic, jealousy increases significantly. nine0007
Another reason for jealousy is the partner's provocative behavior. In this case, the partner unconsciously provokes jealousy in order to get "proof of love", focusing on the formula "jealous means love." Therefore, such women always have a dramatic relationship with a partner, she constantly needs confirmation of love. This indicates a high degree of codependency.

“If there is silence at home, there are no manifestations from the husband, declarations of love, scandals and manifestations of jealousy, then she becomes unbearable - she needs an emotional shake-up, a discharge that she is used to receiving in a dysfunctional parental family,” says psychologist.

How to get rid of jealousy

If you decide to fight this negative and destructive feeling, then always proceed from the idea that your partner is faithful to you. By continuing to think that he is cheating on you, you will never be able to cope with jealousy.

Realize that the reason for your jealousy lies not in the actions of your partner, but in your own fears of the horrors that your imagination draws: betrayal, betrayal, loneliness. nine0038
Having understood that the reason for your jealousy is fears and complexes, do not expect your partner to do something magical, from which jealousy will be removed as if by hand. Will not take off. The only person who can pull you out of the swamp of jealousy before it completely destroys you completely is yourself.

Replacement of fear. The best way to deal with fear is another fear. Stop being afraid that your loved one will cheat on you, start to fear that with your suspicions, scenes of jealousy and tantrums, you will finally destroy your relationship. When you are truly afraid of this, the feeling of jealousy will leave you forever. nine0038

If you find it difficult to cope with jealousy on your own, sign up for a consultation with professional psychologists. The specialists of "My Family Center" and "Crisis Center for Women and Children" will help you in such a difficult situation.

Press service of the Moscow Department of Labor and Social Protection

Why we are jealous and how to stop doing it

November 8 Relationship

There are often no real reasons, so it is up to you to deal with the problem.

You can listen to the article. If you feel more comfortable, tune in to the podcast:

What causes jealousy

You are insecure

Licensed clinical psychologist Seth Meyers writes that people with low self-esteem can also feel insecure in relationships. They believe that they are not good enough to attract a partner and keep his interest over time. nine0007
You need to control everything

One partner worries about his place in the other's world. Perhaps, even in childhood, a person experienced a disturbing experience and now thinks that he cannot be trusted, because at any moment he can be preferred to another.

Anastasia Popova

Psychologist, systemic family psychotherapist of the Family Medical Center "Leib-Medic".

But this is not just anxiety. This is an attempt to control the actions of the other side. Fear of someone else's freedom and rebellion against it. nine0007
You are too strongly attached to a partner

Constant groundless jealousy may appear due to excessive attachment, when one cannot separate from the other and lives his life.

If you constantly interfere in the life of a companion, forbid meeting friends and spend time separately, the chances of destroying relationships are high. There is nothing wrong with a couple having common interests. But everyone should also have their own hobbies.

You project your own repressed desires onto your partner

Family psychotherapist Anastasia Popova notes that jealousy can arise due to the projection of one's own state and repressed sexual desires onto another person. Without admitting to ourselves, we want to go to the left, only now we attribute this to the satellite.

You have obsessive thinking

Jealousy can be the result of obsessive (obsessive) thinking. Psychologist Seth Meyers recalls the case of a patient who was jealous of partners in all her relationships. She also had some signs of obsessive-compulsive disorder. When her husband came home late, lingered, she could not put up with not knowing what and where he was doing. Therefore, I filled in the gaps and thought out myself. I took the facts out of my head, and then I was jealous and worried. She herself created disturbing thoughts and reasons for excitement when faced with the most terrible circumstance for this type of people: unknown .

Also, according to the expert, jealousy can be caused by a person's general paranoid state.

There is a real reason for jealousy

Perhaps the most logical reason: there really is a reasonable reason for jealousy. Maybe this is an unambiguous correspondence with another or another, not yet forgotten betrayal or irrefutable evidence of infidelity.

How to stop being jealous

Accept and examine your thoughts

Robert Leahy, Ph.D., professor at Yale University, former president of the Association for Behavioral and Cognitive Therapy, the Academy of Cognitive Therapy, and the International Association for Cognitive Psychotherapy, recommends that in the midst of jealousy, stop, exhale and pay attention to your thoughts.

Do they reflect the reality? If you think that a partner is interested in someone other than you, this does not mean that they are. You must understand that thoughts and reality are different things. nine0007
Don't give in to feelings of jealousy

Anger and anxiety can be intensified if you begin to obsess over them. You need to accept your emotions and let them be. You don't have to "get rid of the feelings," but if you approach observing your experiences consciously, it will help to ease them.

Understand that uncertainty is part of any relationship

We are looking for certainty: “I need to know that she / he is not interested in you” or “I want to know that we will not part and be together.” Dr. Leahy writes that some are even ready to end the relationship before they think the other does. nine0007
Robert Leahy

Uncertainty is part of life. This is something we cannot do anything about.

You cannot know for sure whether your partner will leave you or not. But with your accusations and reproaches, you can create a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Understand your conjectures

Jealousy can be fueled by unrealistic beliefs: past relationships of a loved one threaten your union, you have nothing to offer a partner, this relationship will repeat a bad experience with another or another. Often this is nothing more than speculation that has nothing to do with reality. nine0007
Find effective ways to build relationships

“Instead of relying on jealousy, find another way to make the union safe,” advises Robert Leahy. For example, pay attention when your partner does something good, praise each other, refrain from criticism and sarcasm, or make a list of simple and pleasant things that would please each of you.

Take care of yourself

We must not forget about our development. Find a hobby, play a sport, or take a yoga class. Do not deprive yourself and your beloved of freedom and personal space. nine0007
Show gratitude instead of jealousy

To a certain extent, jealousy is normal in a relationship. But only as long as it strengthens them, and does not destroy them.

Anastasia Popova

It is useful to remember that besides me, a wonderful miracle, my partner has many other people in his life who can take my place. And that he or she chooses and prefers me over someone else.

A good alternative to jealousy is gratitude for choosing you, for being together. You can’t save a relationship with jealousy, but with gratitude it can work out. nine0007
Build up trust

Oleg Ivanov

Psychologist, conflictologist, head of the Center for Settlement of Social Conflicts.

Jealousy is usually "cured" by trust. If you do not trust your partner, be sure to talk to him about it.

He may not even guess about your feelings and not know that his behavior gives rise to them.

Accept the situation and reconsider the relationship

This applies precisely to those cases in which there are justified reasons to doubt the fidelity of a loved one.
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