Get rid emotional baggage
How to Let Go of Emotional Baggage - Amanda Renger
When there is pain, hurt, grief, anger and sadness in the past, it can develop into emotional baggage – and have an impact on our present and our future.
I saw a young man who was going to get married, but wanted to learn how to let go of some of the emotional baggage he was carrying with him first.
This young man had deep sadness from having no connection with his brother or father, and continued to revisit painful memories. It was starting to impact on the plans for his future as he was experiencing jealousy and sadness each time he visited his partner’s ‘happy family’.
Often we move from pain to pain, relationship to relationship, burying our hurt, grief, anger and sadness, expecting that the new relationship will ‘clean the slate’ for us. Unfortunately it doesn’t. For this reason, I was really impressed with the courage it took for this young man to not let his past define who he wanted to be.
How Issues Become Emotional Baggage
What makes us not deal with issues as they come up? Actually there are a range of things.
Firstly, it could be because of how we have seen our parents deal with issues. Children learn fast – and their first learning is through observation and then through mimicking. For example they may see their parent just throw up their hands in despair and say ‘I give up’ just before they walk out of the house.
They may see a parent going through new partners, leaving each time they don’t get on or feel it’s all too hard. As a result of examples like this, children may not learn to cope with pressure, choosing instead to run when things get tough. By the time they are older, they have formed a belief that this is a normal behaviour. Unfortunately it can leave them empty and resentful.
Secondly, it could be because we haven’t been taught the skills to cope with tough and painful situations. Often times when things happen to us that we have no control over, it can leaves us feeling helpless and that things are not fair.
We also often see in our society the way we protect children from pain, losing races, friends etc – and we don’t give them the opportunity to learn to reflect on what happened, ‘brush it off’ and get back up on their feet.
Thirdly, we believe that we don’t deserve good things or happiness because of what we have been told as young people, and so create situations where we sabotage the good things in our lives. We have lost confidence in ourselves to cope and so we give up.
Tips for Letting Go of Emotional Baggage
If you have identified that your emotional baggage is holding you back, here are some ideas on what to do about it.
- Ask yourself what actually is causing your pain. Sometimes we aren’t aware of the real issues; we need to get curious. For this young man, it was the growing realisation that he felt abandoned and missed the relationship with his father, as he got up close and personal with a more functional family. Once we understand what the cause is, we can start to decide on the next step.
- Learning to sit with the pain, grief, anger and sadness. This is an important step towards coping and building our ability to move through the situation. Acknowledge the feeling and accept that it’s okay to feel like that. Too often we try and bury it, or brush it away. That only works for a little while and after time it just builds up. Learn to notice the emotion and allow yourself time to breathe slowly through it, noticing it touching the physical area where it hurts. Acknowledge the pain and then remind yourself that you will get through this.
- Identify whether there is something that you can do to resolve the situation. Often we talk about letting things go (which is the next point) but sometimes we need to actually see whether there is something that can be done to change what has happened. Again this young man recognised he couldn’t just keep getting angry but needed to find out further information so found the courage to have a conversation with his father.
This can be a difficult step. It can take time to work through this, and you may want to seek professional help. - Learn to let it go. Sometimes holding on to things can feel comfortable because it’s a familiar habit. We think holding on will keep those who have caused the pain to feel punished, when in reality it is us who is being held prisoner. Letting go doesn’t mean we forget. It means that it doesn’t control us or influence our behaviour anymore. Our thinking patterns are a key part in this, so learning to notice our thoughts and challenging those that keep us tied to the past, is going to help us move forward.
Dr Gail Brenner in her article “Healing the Past” talks about the fact that the past actually becomes the present and our future, when we continue to dwell on it. It suggests that by remaining focused on things that have hurt us, we allow ourselves to be robbed of true happiness.
When it comes to emotional baggage, remember – your freedom from the past is in your hands, and happiness is in your control.
We always have a choice in whether we are going to let people or events define us. Learning to release ourselves from our own memories and negative experiences will provide a new found freedom that allows us to take control back.
Author: Amanda Renger, B Soc Sc, M Couns, M Soc Wk, ACMHSW.
Amanda Renger has a double Masters degree in Social Work and in Counselling, and enjoys working with individuals, families, young adults, people with a disability and older persons. Using evidence-based theories and comprehensive assessments, she works to build the capacity of people to self-determine their journey, and to restore individual and family wellbeing.
Amanda is not taking bookings currently, however to make an appointment with a qualified clinician go to Online Booking. Alternatively, you can call Vision Psychology Brisbane on (07) 3088 5422.
5 Steps to Deal with Emotional Baggage So It Doesn’t Define You
“Sometimes the past should be abandoned, yes.
Life is a journey and you can’t carry everything with you. Only the usable baggage.” ~Ha Jin
You’ve probably heard of the fear of missing out but what about the fear of letting go?
My father was volatile and mentally unstable. Criticism was his preferred method of communication. As a child and teenager, I learned to keep my thoughts and feelings locked away and became an expert at deflecting personal questions.
Without realizing it, I carried this habit into adulthood, avoiding any talk about my feelings or turning them into a joke. When a friend finally called me on it, the shock of self-recognition quickly turned to resistance. This is who I am, I thought. Why should I change?
I plodded on, working as hard as ever to keep my fortress intact. It wasn’t making me happy yet I wasn’t ready to change.
As I struggled with my desire to cling to hurtful memories and self-defeating behaviors, it dawned on me that I was afraid to let go because defensiveness was part of my identity.
The problem wasn’t that I had baggage—everyone has baggage—but that it had come to define me. I didn’t know who I would be without it. At that point it hit me: I had to dig deep, discover the person I wanted to be, and then act on it.
After I identified that I was holding on to the past because it seemed too important to jettison, I discovered that letting go is harder than it sounds. Relaxing a long-held belief isn’t a one-day, one-week, or even a one-year process. However, it is possible.
This is the five-step process I discovered:
1. Write an honest list of the thoughts, beliefs, and behaviors that weigh you down.
Grab a pen and notebook, find a quiet space, and spend thirty to forty minutes thinking and writing. It is important to be honest and write down whatever comes to mind. Don’t judge what comes up, just take note.
2. Reflect on each item and identify the source of the thought/belief.
Travel back in time and see where you picked up these items of baggage.
Do you fear intimacy because a partner cheated on you? Do you dread holidays because your parents drank too much? Acknowledge the painful memories but don’t wallow in them. Write it down and move on to the next step.
3. Find at least one positive in each hurtful experience/situation.
Look for the silver lining in your cloud. For example, my father’s criticism made me aware of the power of words and taught me the importance of speaking with kindness. Looking for the good in the past helps you reclaim your power. You are no longer a victim; you decide what you take from that experience.
4. Create affirmations to foster change and counteract negative thoughts.
Take the positives from step four and turn them into affirmations or statements of intent, i.e.: “I will speak with love” or “I will treat people with kindness.” This puts the emphasis on positive future behavior and frees you from the past. Make the affirmations tangible: put a reminder on your phone, write them on post-its, or put a list on the fridge.
5. Practice patience and mindfulness.
It takes time to change habits, especially when they are rooted in deep hurts or fears. Check in with yourself regularly using journaling or meditation. If you find yourself shouldering old baggage, be sure to acknowledge it, then gently release it and focus on your affirmations. Replacing negative thoughts with positive actions will help you let go for good.
There are infinite possibilities for each of us, baggage notwithstanding. Everyone has pain. It’s part of what makes us who we are. What defines us, however, is how we handle it. One of my favorite artists, Bruce Springsteen, has some wise words on the subject:
“You can find your identity in the damage that’s been done to you. You find your identity in your wounds, in your scars, in the places where you’ve been beat up and you turn them into a medal. We all wear the things we’ve survived with some honor, but the real honor is in also transcending them.”
By taking the time to identify and understand our baggage and making a conscious decision to let go, we free ourselves to experience life in a richer, deeper, more meaningful way.
Photo by Donnie Nunley
About Cila Warncke
Cila Warncke is a freelance writer and journalist devoted to a life of perpetual discovery. If she’s not playing with words she’s probably running, reading, cooking, doing yoga, cooing at her cats or planning an adventure. Visit her website http://cilawarncke.com and her blog http://irresponsibility.wordpress.com.
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How to get rid of emotional baggage: 11 methods
In the new year, it is customary to leave the bad in the past and take the good with you into the future. But sometimes letting go of your past is not so easy.
The material was commented by Ekaterina Zherenovskaya — psychologist-psychotherapist, psychodramatist, facilitator of creative thinking, leader of psychological groups
What is emotional baggage
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Emotional baggage is unfinished situations in which certain (often negative) emotional experiences or feelings have arisen.
We carry these feelings with us and cannot get rid of them. As a rule, getting stuck occurs when we were unable to resolve the situation or get out of it properly (were defenseless, vulnerable, not resilient enough) and were unable to respond as we would like.
Every person has certain basic needs: we need food, sleep, love and understanding of others. If these requests are not satisfied, not only material, but also emotional, then due to the lack of discharge, we begin to strain and draw all the resources of the body into this area, and most importantly, memory. This effect was studied by the Soviet psychologist Bluma Zeigarnik. Back at 19In 25, she managed to prove that we remember incomplete situations much better than completed ones.
Over the course of life, such unclosed stories accumulate and form emotional baggage. Conventionally, these problems can be divided into two types:
- situations in which I treated someone badly;
- situations in which I was treated badly.
More often than not, we get emotionally stuck in the second scenario. That is, when we feel that someone has treated us unfairly, badly, cruelly, aggressively, and we have not been able to adequately respond to complete the situation. Another option: our communication partner (no matter who it is - a friend, lover, employer) deprived us of the opportunity to answer, that is, ended the relationship unilaterally.
How to get rid of emotional baggage
Emotional baggage is our past. Concentrating on it, we become like a pedestrian who continues to walk forward and at the same time constantly turns back. As a result, a person cannot focus on current obstacles, so he periodically fills himself with new bumps. In this article, we tried to find ways to “turn your head” and look in the right direction.
1. Give yourself time
It is impossible to live, endure and let go of an unpleasant experience in one day. It’s okay if you don’t manage to fully cope with the traumatic experience right away, at least for yourself you will know that you have already begun and are moving in the right direction.
Take your time. This is the case when the advice to “forgive and let go” can hurt, instead of living through their feelings, a person can push them back inside and continue to suffer.
2. Find secondary benefits
As Nancy McWilliams writes in her book Psychoanalytic Diagnostics, even if a person intentionally remains in a difficult or dangerous situation, or even causes physical harm to himself, he receives a certain bonus from this [1].
For example, a small child whose psychological needs are not being met notices that his mother pays more attention to him when something happens to him. For example, he breaks his knee or breaks his arm. The next time he subconsciously looks for a similar situation in order to get even more sympathy from his mother. The indifference of parents to children is unbearable, so sometimes they can even perceive beatings as something that they paid attention to. Thus, there is a secondary benefit from seemingly destructive scenarios.
In adult life, such patterns can be transformed: a person's suffering attracts more attention to him, he receives support and feels important and needed. Therefore, in the event of an emotional stuck, it is important to ask yourself questions: “What do I get by remaining in this experience? What does it give me but suffering?
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3. Work on your self-confidence
Self-confidence is perhaps one of the most powerful resources that helps fight regrets, because most often we are not let go of precisely those situations where we did not have the strength to stand up for myself. Insecurity is a consequence of low self-esteem and negative self-image. This attitude towards oneself often comes from childhood, but an adult is able to overcome fears by identifying his strengths and trying to develop them. The more you do something, the more energy you will have. Slowly raise the bar: take on more difficult projects, don’t beat yourself up if something doesn’t work out.
You did try. Adequate self-esteem is the best tool that helps to cope with emotional problems [2].
4. Reduce contact with toxic people
Think about who in your environment is dragging you down and making you experience unpleasant emotions. It's best to stay away from those. The inner circle is your support, your support, and not those who make you sad and feel insecure once again. Therefore, sometimes it is necessary to say “no” in time and not be afraid of not being liked by someone.
Sometimes not everything is so simple, and here it is necessary to assess the “good-bad” balance in a relationship and ask yourself the question: “Do I always feel vulnerable? Is the other really trying to hurt and humiliate me?” It happens that a person experiences all these experiences, responding to some triggers from his emotional baggage, and this has nothing to do with reality.
According to research by Stanford University, it is not uncommon for people who are ready to remain irritated themselves to use others as an excuse for their anger, while it is very difficult to piss off a person in a calm state [3].
5. Replace debt with opportunity
In our culture, duty is one of the pillars of parenting. Alas, sometimes it can cause temporary apathy or even depression. And unfulfilled debt, along with other negativity, is loaded into emotional baggage. As soon as we say to ourselves “I have to”, we activate a sense of anxiety, since from time to time we demand from ourselves those things that we are simply not ready for [4].
In addition, this abstract phrase places responsibility on a person without the prospect of solving the problem. Try changing the message. Instead of "I have to make a decision," you can say to yourself, "I want to make a decision by this Saturday, and here's how I'll do it..."
Then you can ask yourself a few more questions: "Do I really want this? Why do I want this? Then you yourself create motivation for yourself, it will be easier for you to make a plan and get down to business. This exercise can also be applied in cases where you "should" play sports, take care of your health, or do some other things that are useful for yourself.
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6. Visualize
This method is often used by psychologists when working with PTSD [5].
There are different imaging techniques. But in any case, as a result, it is important to "see" a positive outcome - how a person would like the situation to be resolved. For example, it is important for him to stop playing negative experiences in his head. Then you can take this situation and imagine it in the form of some kind of object.
Let it be a dark figure standing next to you. You can talk to her, tell her how you feel, how you were hurt and how these events have changed you. But at some point you must leave this figure, say goodbye to it respectfully and go on your way. At this point, you can even wave your hand to her. This gesture will help in the future to get rid of bad thoughts if the traumatic experience resurfaces in the head. Of course, this is all pretend, but the new neural connection that you build with visualization is very real.
Thus, you teach your brain to adequately respond to bad thoughts [6].
7. Get rid of unconscious negativity
Very often, because of previous unpleasant experiences, our brain succumbs to difficulties. Including the challenge of getting rid of emotional baggage and starting something new. Thoughts come to mind: “I can’t do it,” “I won’t succeed,” “I’m not interesting to anyone.”
In Mind Rules Mood, psychologists Dennis Greenberger and Christine Padesky offer advice on how to deal with these pests. For example, before the next project, a person is afraid that he will not be able to complete it. First, you need to determine the causes of this fear. Was it a previous experience, and if so, is it relevant to the current one? What lesson did you learn from the mistakes? What forces, knowledge, abilities, skills, resources to use to make it work? Essentially, you need to audit and remind yourself that you actually have the resources to succeed [7].
8. Switch
Physical activity has been proven to reduce stress and anxiety and improve mood in depression [8].
Sports, exercise, yoga will help get rid of negative thoughts and switch attention from worries to well-being. It happens that there is simply not enough time and energy for physical exercises. In this case, you can be distracted and clear your mind with the help of meditation.
How to change your life through meditation: scientific arguments and practice
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9. Keep a diary
Research has shown that journaling helps relieve stress. People who write down their thoughts on paper every day also noted an improvement in their physical condition. As a result, diary lovers get sick less [9].
There are many ways to keep a diary. Many of them can be found in the book by Caitlin Adams "Diary as a path to yourself" [10].
The most important thing is to structure your notes by making a separate block with daily routine, another one for unpleasant experiences, a third for family relationships, a fourth for feelings, and so on.
It is also important not to get carried away and to determine the time, preferably a short period, for example, five minutes a day. You can start recording with the phrases: “Right now I don’t have enough ...”, “I’m angry because ...”, and so on.
10. Consult a psychologist
Sometimes it is impossible to sort out your emotional baggage on your own, and then it is important to find the right specialist. Its task is to help understand the causes and consequences of negative experiences, find ways to end and let them go, and restore self-esteem. Working with a psychologist, you can experience self-acceptance that a person may never have had. For such a responsible role, you need to choose a person with whom you feel good and comfortable from the very first session. How to prepare for it, we wrote here.
If you feel pressured to conform to a psychologist, you feel uncomfortable answering his questions because you are not yet ready for this level of intimacy, or if he opposes traditional science and advertises his own methodology, then it makes sense to be wary and perhaps change specialist.
11. Perform a ritual
Sometimes the effect of esoteric practices is confirmed by science. According to Harvard University research, symbolic actions reduce anxiety and improve brain performance [11].
When you feel that you have already done some work and understand that you are ready to enter a new stage, come up with your own personal ritual that will mark the end of your suffering. For example, you can solemnly throw away things that remind you of a painful experience, or write down all the bad thoughts on a piece of paper and tear it up. It is important to put into this ceremony all the negativity that you are trying to cope with and make a promise to yourself that you will not return to your worries. Now it is not your worries that control you, but you control them. And even if unpleasant thoughts come back, it will be easier to deal with them.
Ekaterina Zherenovskaya, practicing psychologist-psychotherapist, psychodramatist, facilitator of creative thinking, leader of psychological groups
A person feels resentment when he believes that he was treated unfairly, deceived, and so on.
When we expect one thing, but get something completely different after we failed to respond adequately - object, say "no", point the line, stand up for ourselves. I would like to answer, but due to some internal reasons, it did not work out.
Often, when we are offended, another feeling is hidden inside, which is much stronger in its psychological impact - this is the feeling of guilt. It's your own fault. For the fact that I could not defend myself or defend my position. And this guilt creates a much stronger outflow of energy. Because I am both the one who accuses and the one who opposes the accusation. This is a deeply unconscious process. And in psychotherapeutic work I observe this process in 80% of cases. What to do? From all sources they trumpet: "Forgive and let go", "You must forgive the offenders for your own sake."
This may be true, but I know just as much as you how difficult it can be. Forgiveness is better to start with yourself. Our task is to forgive ourselves for our helplessness, for our weakness, for our conciliation, for dependence on someone else's opinion.
In general, for everything that led us to the fact that we swallowed resentment.
There is an effective exercise for this - divide the sheet into three columns. In the first, write down situations that you remember and cannot let go of. In the second, list what you wanted to do and did not do. And in the third (this is the most difficult) try to answer the question as honestly as possible why at that moment you did this and not otherwise. Refrain from self-criticism and blame during this exercise. Treat yourself with understanding, and then you will have a desire to forgive yourself.
There is another side that concerns another person. Resentment and anger often go hand in hand. But it also often happens that we forbid ourselves to experience anger towards other people, especially those close to us.
This prohibition comes from the belief that anger can lead to the end of meaningful relationships. We may have experienced this first hand as children, when our parents forbade us to be angry.
It's true that dealing with anger is important for building good relationships, but that doesn't mean we shouldn't experience it. In fact, anger carries a lot of meaning and energy: it gives us the opportunity to defend ourselves when necessary. And everyone has the right to be angry. However, the realization of anger is a creative process, and at best it should be context-sensitive and take into account not only immediate but also long-term perspectives.
When we talk about the past, it is important to acknowledge all feelings, both resentment and anger. You can do a written practice in which we kind of address another person, say in writing:
- what offended and wounded me in that situation;
- for which I am angry with this person.
In the practice of self-writing with anger, you can use the following formula: “I am angry with you for what you ... (did or said so-and-so) because it meant to me ... (so-and-so) ".
We rewrite this formula as many times as necessary until we feel mental and emotional devastation.
This will mean that we have brought out all the accumulated feelings. That is what helps to let them go.
When anger is fully expressed, it can transform into sorrow and sadness. In psychotherapy, such a transformation is considered a productive process, because we understand that resentment and anger go away. Sadness leads to acceptance of oneself and the situation to the eventual forgiveness of the offender. This process returns us strength, which is why it is important primarily for ourselves.
Tags: psychology
8 examples of emotional baggage to get rid of
Emotional baggage refers to unresolved emotional problems, experienced disappointments, past mistakes, psychological trauma and all that, in fact, is a heavy burden for us. Almost every one of us drags this burden along with us, often not wanting to get rid of it or not even realizing how much it spoils his life.
Emotional baggage makes you emotionally unstable, prevents you from thinking objectively, maintaining healthy relationships with people around you, leads to the development of self-doubt and painful perception of criticism, etc. Disappointments, mistakes or traumas from your past, even if they happened during your childhood, continue to negatively affect your here and now life because they remain unresolved. For example, if you once dated a girl who was not honest with you or even cheated on you, it can be difficult for you to start a new relationship just because of the emotional baggage.
Getting rid of emotional baggage is difficult, but it is possible if you spend enough time and effort on it, enlist the support of loved ones, or seek the help of a qualified professional. Remember that your problems will not disappear on their own, and one day you will have to give them your attention anyway.
We have collected some examples of emotional baggage that you need to get rid of first.
1. Attempts to cling to the past
The past has long lost its relevance - it cannot be corrected and cannot be returned in any way. Therefore, clinging to the events that once occurred is at least useless, and in some cases even stupid. It will bring you nothing but regret and annoyance. No matter how trite this advice sounds - try to live "here and now", invest your time and energy in what you can influence. Make positive changes to your future and look back as little as possible.
2. Self-doubt
Once upon a time, the closest people could doubt you - parents, relatives, friends or a loved one. The realization that instead of support you receive from those who are dear to you, only reproaches, ridicule and distrust, hits hard on your self-esteem, and prevents you from doing what you really want. But you must throw off this emotional baggage from yourself as early as possible. Otherwise, you will turn into an insecure person who voluntarily gives up the life of his dreams for the sake of inner peace.
3. Excessive self-criticism
If in the past your actions, decisions and words were often severely criticized, you can turn into an overly self-critical person. You will scold yourself for the slightest mistake, find fault with every detail and every word you say, demand more from yourself, etc. Naturally, such an attitude towards yourself will leave a certain imprint on your self-esteem and psychological state.
4. Focus on the result, not the process itself
Most often, this emotional baggage is carried by people whose relatives demanded that they achieve the desired result at any cost. If you focus only on the final goal, not paying attention to the process of work itself, this is the clearest sign that you have problems. First, you do not understand when you need to stop, give yourself a rest or consider if you have another way to your desired goal. Secondly, you do not get pleasure in the process of achieving the goal: you simply perform mechanical actions, or even worse, force yourself to do what you do not like, just to achieve a result.
As a result, what you have been striving for so much, causes you only disappointment.
5. Thirst to earn love and respect from others
In order to gain the favor of others, you give up your own views, interests and ambitions. You put strangers before yourself, hoping that in return you will receive love and respect from them. But in most cases, your hopes will not come true, because no matter how hard you try, you will not be able to please everyone. The best thing you can do for yourself is get rid of your emotional baggage and stop trying to please everyone.
6. The role of the victim
Due to traumatic experiences or unpleasant events in the past, you may take on the role of the victim. And in this role you will be very comfortable, because the victim cannot be held responsible for everything that happens to her. You can blame all your troubles on circumstances, other people, the economy of your country or bad weather. And those around you at first will feel sorry for you and offer all possible help.
Of course, until they understand that you are not striving to change anything in your life.
7. Fear of relationships
Remember one simple thing: your new girlfriend is not your ex, and you should not be suspicious of her, try to control her and be jealous with or without reason. It kills relationships, makes them toxic. In the life of every person there was an unsuccessful romantic experience, but this should not leave a negative imprint on the rest of your life.
Get rid of emotional baggage: admit to yourself that the problem is not with your new girlfriend, but that you are not yet ready to trust anyone. Work on your condition: analyze your reactions to various events and words, control your behavior, work with a psychologist or psychotherapist. In general, do at least something to make your partner feel comfortable being in a relationship with you.
8. Desire to keep everything under control
Painful events from the past can develop in you an excessive thirst for control.
