Funny about men
Funny Quotes About Men to Make You Laugh Till Your Insides Hurt
Life is too short to be spent in being sad and cribbing about things. A funny incident here and there can help add a glint of smile to a boring day.
Anything hilarious, be it a funny scene, incident or even a quote, always brings sunshine to a gloomy day. Funny quotes about anything can help keep your life on a high note. As Ronan Keating has rightly sung ‘Life is a roller coaster’, life has its own share of ups and downs with some days being filled with bliss and others being so gloomy that nothing seems right. At this point of time, all we need is a dose of laughter, which can put our life back on track. Well, here are some funny quotes about men (don’t take it in an offensive manner guys!) that will add colors to your day.
Hilarious Quotes About Men and Relationships
Short funny quotes and nuances weave a magical web of happiness and the problems in life are forgotten. Here are some hilarious quotes about men that will tickle your funny bone.
“When a man steals your wife there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.” ~ Sacha Guitry
“A married man should forget his mistakes; no use two people remembering the same thing.” ~ Duane Dewel
“Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.” ~ Oscar Wilde
“Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed.” ~ Albert Einstein
“Why do men like intelligent women? Because opposites attract.” ~ Kathy Lette
“When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there’s a reason.” ~ Molly McGee
“Lord, lord, how subject we men are to this vice of lying.” ~ William Shakespeare
“There are easier things in life than trying to find a nice guy… like nailing a jelly to a tree for example.” ~ Anonymous
“Men are like a deck of cards. You’ll find the occasional king, but most are jacks.” ~ Laura Swenson
Witty Quotes About Men vs.
WomenAccording to a popular book Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, there are a few instances when men and women have divided opinions about many things. However, they do gel well and lead a happy life together. Given below are some funny sayings about men that is sure to have you in splits.
“Man has will, but woman has her way.” ~ Oliver Wendell Holmes
“Men are like pumpkins. It seems like all the good ones are either taken or they’ve had everything scraped out of their heads with a spoon.” ~ Anonymous
“Guys are like dogs. They keep coming back. Ladies are like cats. Yell at a cat one time…they’re gone.” ~ Lenny Bruce
“The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.” ~ Unknown
“I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.” ~ Anonymous
“Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
” ~ Anonymous
“Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it’s our job to stomp them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you’d like to have dinner with.” ~ Kathleen Mifsud
“There are two perfectly good men, one dead and the other unborn.” ~ Chinese Proverb
“Men should be like Kleenex; soft, strong and disposable.” ~ Unknown
“Men are like bank accounts. Without a lot of money they don’t generate a lot of interest.” ~ Anonymous
Amusing Quotes About Men and Marriage
It is said that behind every successful man there is a (surprised!) woman. Adding a hilarious touch to marriage can actually improve the togetherness quotient. Let’s take a look at some witty one liners about men and marriage.
“The older theory was, marry an older man because they’re more mature. But the new theory is men don’t mature. Marry a younger one.” ~ Rita Rudner
“No man is truly married until he understands every word his wife is NOT saying.
” ~ Anonymous
“Men marry because they are tired; women because they are curious; both are disappointed.” ~ Oscar Wilde
“What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? ‘Hold my purse’.” ~ Unknown
“Marriage is give and take. You’d better give it to her or she’ll take it anyway.” ~ Anonymous
“The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things.” ~ Jilly Cooper
“The quickest way to a man’s heart is through his chest.” ~ Roseanne Barr
“Before marriage, a man declares that he would lay down his life to serve you; after marriage, he won’t even lay down his newspaper to talk to you.” ~ Helen Rowland
“There is a vast difference between the savage and the civilized man, but it is never apparent to their wives until after breakfast.” ~ Helen Rowland
“Never trust a husband too far or a bachelor too near.” ~ Helen Rowland
Humorous Quotes About Men and Love
Love, which is an intense emotion, also has a humorous side to it.
Given here are a few more funny quotes and sayings that will be a treat to your sense of humor.
“A man falls in love through his eyes, a woman through her ears.” ~ Woodrow Wyatt
“A man is already halfway in love with any woman who listens to him.” ~ Brendan Francis
“A man in love is like a clipped coupon – it’s time to cash in.” ~ Mae West
“A man in love is incomplete until he is married. Then he’s finished.” ~ Zsa Zsa Gabor
“A woman has got to love a bad man once or twice in her life to be thankful for a good one.” ~ Mae West
“It takes a woman twenty years to make a man of her son, and another woman twenty minutes to make a fool of him.” ~ Helen Rowland
“A gentleman is simply a patient wolf.” ~ Unknown
“The first time you buy a house you think how pretty it is and sign the check. The second time you look to see if the basement has termites. It’s the same with men.” ~ Lupe Velez
“Men who don’t understand women fall into two groups: Bachelors and Husbands.
” ~ Anonymous
“The true man wants two things: danger and play. For that reason he wants woman, as the most dangerous plaything.” ~ Friedrich Nietzsche
There are many such instances where you can just let go and lose yourself in this sunnier side of life. Hope you had a good time laughing your heart out while reading these funny quotes about men. I’d like to add a disclaimer: This is to be taken in a light manner and is not meant to offend the feelings of men. So guys, just take it cool and enjoy, as it takes guts to laugh at one’s own self. Cheers!
The Famous Men Jokes Collection
The Famous Men Jokes CollectionAny contributions to this collection welcome - email me!
How many men does it take to wallpaper a room?
It depends how thinly you slice them.
What is the difference between men and women?
A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every
woman to satisfy his one need.
What is that insensitive bit at the base of the penis called?
The man.
Why don't men often show their true feelings?
Because they don't have any.
What's the difference between a man's wife and his girlfriend?
60 pounds.
What's the difference between a woman's husband and her boyfriend?
60 minutes.
Why are all dumb blonde jokes one-liners?
So men can remember them.
A man walks into a bar and orders a glass of orange. The barman says "still?" The man replies "well, I haven't changed my f***ing mind."
Why do doctors slap babies' bottoms as soon as they're born?
To knock the penises off the smart ones.
When is it much better to be a woman than a man?
When you are in the lavatory and the plane hits turbulence.
What do you call a man with 99% of his brain missing?
Castrated.
What's the difference between government bonds and men?
Bonds mature.
What's the difference between a man and E.T.?
E.T. phoned home.
Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
When it's time to go back to childhood, he's got less far to go.
What do you call a handcuffed man?
Trustworthy.
What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.
Why are men like commercials?
You can't believe a word they say.
Why are men like popcorn?
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
Why are men like blenders?
You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
Why do so many women fake orgasm?
Because so many men fake foreplay.
What's a man's definition of a romantic evening?
Sex.
What is the only time a man thinks about a candlelit dinner?
When the power goes off.
What do men and women have in common?
They both distrust men.
How can you tell the difference between men's real gifts and their guilt
gifts?
Guilt gifts are nicer.
What's a man's idea of safe sex?
A padded headboard.
What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
His wife is good at picking out clothes.
How is a man like the weather?
Nothing can be done to change either one of them.
What is the difference between a man and childbirth?
One can be terribly painful and sometimes almost unbearable while the
other is just having a baby.
What is the difference between a single 40-year-old woman and a single
40-year-old man?
The 40-year-old woman thinks often of having children and the 40-year-old
man thinks often about dating them.
Women dream of world peace, a safe environment, and eliminating hunger.What
do men dream of?
Being stuck in an elevator with the Spice Girls.
What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date?
Slow.
What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
They're married.
How does a man make sex more interesting?
He leaves town.
What's a man's idea of a perfect woman?
Three foot tall, large mouth, and a flat head to rest your beer on.
Why is a man like old age?
They both come too soon.
Can you imagine a world without men?
No crime, and lots of happy, fat women.
For a woman, marriage is more than just a word.
It's a sentence.
Why don't men make ice cubes?
They don't know the recipe.
What do you give a man who has everything?
Penicillin.
Why are men like toilets?
They're either vacant, engaged, or full of crap.
If a man and woman both jumped off a high building, who'd land first?
The woman.
The man would get lost on the way.
What's a man's idea of a sophisticated cocktail?
A pint of beer with an olive in it.
Him: I can only cook two things - steak, and fried eggs.
Her: Which one's this?
There are two times in his life when a man doesn't understand women.
Before marriage, and after marriage.
Him: Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
Her: I would, but you're never there.
How do you stop a man getting into your home?
Replace the door locks by bra fastenings.
What's a man's idea of foreplay?
"You awake?"
Is he reliable?
Lets just say, whenever he wants me, there he is.
Where can you find a committed man?
In a mental institution.
Why do men put women on pedastals?
So they can look up their skirts.
How do you know when a man's had an orgasm?
He snores.
What's a sure sign a man will be unfaithful?
He has a penis.
Why are men like floor tiles?
If you lay them right the first time, you can walk all over them the
rest of your life.
What does the smart guy do at the M&M factory?
Proof-read.
What's the quickest way of losing unwanted excess fat?
Divorce him.
What's the definition of a lazy man?
One who gets someone to read the DIY manual to him.
Why do most men have a beer belly?
So that his best friend has a roof over his head.
Why does a man like going to bed with two women?
So they'll have someone to talk to.
What does a man consider to be a seven-course meal?
A hot-dog and a six-pack of beer.
Why don't men know the meaning of fear?
They only know one four-letter word beginning with F.
Why do men only get half-hour lunch-breaks?
So their bosses won't need to re-train them.
Why do men like BMWs?
Because they can spell it.
When's the only time you can change a man?
When he's a baby.
Wife: I'd like to thank my husband for three wonderful years of marriage - 1982, 1984 and 1987.
How can you tell a man is thinking about sex?
He's breathing.
Man: Fancy a quickie?
Woman: As opposed to what?
What's a man's idea of helping with the housework?
Lifting his legs so you can vacuum underneath.
What happened to the man who put odour-eaters in his shoes?
He disappeared.
What do you call a man who marries another man?
A priest.
How do you tell when a man is lying?
His lips move.
How do you tell an old man?
It's not hard.
Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilise one egg?
They don't stop and ask for directions.
What's most men's favourite hymn?
Oh come, oh come, Emanuelle.
How many men does it take to replace the toilet roll?
Don't know, it's never happened.
How do you bring a sparkle to a man's eyes?
Shine a torch in his ear.
[Humour Index] [Home Page]
50+ funny fresh jokes about the stronger sex
Guys having fun: Unsplash/Husna MiskandarThere are many jokes about the stronger sex. Jokes about men reflect both gender stereotypes existing in society and describe the qualities that guys should have. A selection of funny stories from the life of real men.
Jokes about men who are in a relationship with a woman
Relationships between men and women are one of the most popular topics that have generated a lot of jokes. What are the jokes about men and women? Humorous stories describe problems and misunderstandings that can arise between members of the genders.
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Men, remember: seeds are not only 1–2 kg of husk, but also 3–4 hours of female silence.
***
Every man must get married sooner or later. After all, happiness is not the most important thing in life.
Anecdote about henpecked: NUR.KZ***
There are three periods in a man's life. The first is when he thinks that all women are different. The second is when he realizes that all women are the same. And the third, when he knows that all women are the same, but there are different ones.
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A smart man lets his wife know where his stash is. This increases family confidence, women's self-esteem and the security of funds in another stash.
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On the Internet, as in the resort, all men are bachelors.
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There are women to whom men say: “You are mine!”. And they melt. And there are men to whom women say: “You are mine!”. And they wash.
***
— We have discounts in the married shop.
- And I just got divorced yesterday.
- We do not serve the happy.
***
A man and a cat are sitting.
— Eh, the man says, — my wife gave birth to triplets yesterday.
“Don’t worry,” the cat replies, “you will distribute it. (Collection "The funniest bad jokes. It doesn't get any funnier!")
***
A man is like a ball: when a woman releases him from her hands, he unravels; when she takes him in her hands, he rolls up.
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At the meeting of classmates it turned out that only one remained a bachelor, and all the rest got what they deserved.
***
A guy says when he meets his girlfriend:
— Look, there's a problem in our relationship.
— Which one? (surprised, wary, frightened).
Pause.
— I forgot your name.
***
Not only romantic songs, but also many jokes are dedicated to love and relationships.
Such jokes demonstrate well what it is better not to tell your soul mate.
Jokes about bachelors
Bachelor life is full of funny stories. What are the jokes about bachelors? Jokes about bachelors are devoted to stereotypes widespread in society about the peculiarities of the life of single men.
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A bachelor bought a washer, dishwasher, multicooker and a robotic vacuum cleaner. All. The chances of him getting married are almost zero.
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An inveterate bachelor is a cautious creature. You can’t lure him out of the blue with a cookie.
***
Every self-respecting bachelor has two types of T-shirts:
- Good.
- Those that can only be worn under a sweater.
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A bachelor with 20 years of experience cleans his apartment with the help of the phrase “Yes, clean, sort of.”
***
A strange pattern of bachelor life.
Whatever you put to boil - you get dumplings, and fry - scrambled eggs.
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A bachelor does all the housework himself. A married man is forced by his wife and mother-in-law. (Collection "500 newest jokes about mother-in-law")
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A convinced bachelor will meet a grumpy, slovenly and uncultured woman in order to strengthen his convictions.
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There comes a time in every bachelor's life when he has to buy new socks. Instead of old, broken ones.
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Only a bachelor may not know what he wants. A married man is deprived of such a privilege.
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A bachelor is when you buy frozen dumplings at the store every night. Married is when the wife does it.
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Five-year-old boy to the question "What do you want to be when you grow up?" answered honestly: "A bachelor, like Uncle Tolya." Many were surprised.
But Uncle Tolya's wife was most surprised.
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The realities of single life continue to be a joke. However, in every life situation, bachelors find original solutions to problems.
Short jokes about men
Humorous stories can be short, but even such capacious jokes contain deep meaning. What are short jokes about men?
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A man came to work and could not enter the Internet. I had to work.
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When the Lord created a man, he thought about a woman, when the Lord created a woman, he did not think about a man.
***
The man said - the man pretended not to say anything.
An anecdote about a man's understanding of women's thoughts: NUR.KZ***
At first, the nannies and the kindergarten are to blame. Then family and school. Next, the bosses and work are to blame. Then there are the wife and children. And the man himself is never to blame for anything!
***
Every man is waiting for his woman, but who knows where.
Therefore, he cannot always avoid this meeting.
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A quiet man is a thinking man. The quiet woman has already come up with something.
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Men who do not want to work beautifully call themselves romantics.
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And God created woman, because there is nothing for men to relax!
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In the phrase "romantic dinner" for a woman, the key word is "romantic", and for a man - "dinner".
***
Every man must in his life build a wife, grow a belly and plant a liver.
***
A man came to work to be hired:
— I have a wife and five children.
— What else can you do?
***
He smoked "Parliament", but did not get into parliament. He ate butter "President", but did not become president. And only beer "Kozel" really worked.
***
Jokes about men often take a humorous look at the typical male in everyday life.
And how do you like this view from the outside?
Jokes about men driving
A car is a source of pride and a reason for a man's worries, especially when his wife is driving. What are the jokes about men driving? These stories often describe a situation where a man considers himself an excellent driver, and blames women for most of the problems on the roads.
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Men are most alarmed by two things - an incomprehensible noise in the car engine and a girl who suddenly became so affectionate and kind.
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Men say: “A woman is driving like a monkey with a grenade!”. And how they get drunk: “Zaya, take me away!”
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- Tell me, is this your car?
- Partial.
— How is that?
- It is registered to the spouse, the son drives it, sometimes the daughter leaves the city, and if repairs are required, then it is mine.
Joke about relationships: NUR.
KZ ***
Human nature is dual.
- As a man, I like young pretty blondes. But when they are driving, I, as a driver, hate them!
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From the report: “Three drunks were driving along the road on a two-wheeled motorcycle. At my order to stop, the driver shouted: 'We're not taking the fourth!'
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Only our men laugh at the girls behind the wheel, sitting in a trolleybus.
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If a man opens the car door for his wife, it means either a new car or a new wife.
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Jokes about confrontation between male and female drivers are one of the most popular jokes. Although women can beat many male motorists in driving skills, humor on this topic is quite popular, especially in male companies.
Jokes about male solidarity and friendship
They say that female friendship does not exist. And what about the men's? What jokes about male friendship and solidarity?
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Men's energy is three of us standing near the barbecue and watching how meat is fried.
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Men's solidarity differs from women's in that men are in solidarity just like that, and women are in solidarity against someone.
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Female friendship:
- Am I fat?!
— No, you are the most beautiful and generally sexy!
Male friendship:
— Am I fat?!
- And you're stupid and scary!
***
Male friendship. The husband comes home in the morning. Wife:
— Where have you been?
Male:
- Stayed overnight with a friend.
She calls 10 of his friends. Spent the night at 6. 4 is still sleeping.
***
A true friend will never ask "How much?", but immediately goes to the right place and brings two.
Anecdote about a man: NUR.KZ***
Today, the question asked by men who have gathered to share alcohol with new drinking buddies is: “How did you find out about our company?” .
