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Feelings of failure


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  • SAMHSA’s National Helpline is a free, confidential, 24/7, 365-day-a-year treatment referral and information service (in English and Spanish) for individuals and families facing mental and/or substance use disorders.

    Also visit the online treatment locator.

SAMHSA’s National Helpline, 1-800-662-HELP (4357) (also known as the Treatment Referral Routing Service), or TTY: 1-800-487-4889 is a confidential, free, 24-hour-a-day, 365-day-a-year, information service, in English and Spanish, for individuals and family members facing mental and/or substance use disorders. This service provides referrals to local treatment facilities, support groups, and community-based organizations.

Also visit the online treatment locator, or send your zip code via text message: 435748 (HELP4U) to find help near you. Read more about the HELP4U text messaging service.

The service is open 24/7, 365 days a year.

English and Spanish are available if you select the option to speak with a national representative. Currently, the 435748 (HELP4U) text messaging service is only available in English.

In 2020, the Helpline received 833,598 calls. This is a 27 percent increase from 2019, when the Helpline received a total of 656,953 calls for the year.

The referral service is free of charge. If you have no insurance or are underinsured, we will refer you to your state office, which is responsible for state-funded treatment programs. In addition, we can often refer you to facilities that charge on a sliding fee scale or accept Medicare or Medicaid. If you have health insurance, you are encouraged to contact your insurer for a list of participating health care providers and facilities.

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No, we do not provide counseling. Trained information specialists answer calls, transfer callers to state services or other appropriate intake centers in their states, and connect them with local assistance and support.

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Last Updated: 08/30/2022

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90,000 Danger of minor failures: Psychological techniques that will help you
  • Will Park
  • BBC Worklife

Sign up for our newsletter “Context”: It will help you figure it out to figure it out. in events.

Image copyright Getty Images

People tend to make every mistake they make a disaster. Often, having made a mistake in the little things, we say "What the hell!" and we're going crazy. Get into the habit of giving yourself some indulgence, and you'll learn to prevent more serious blunders.

I haven't opened the Duolingo language learning app for weeks. There was a time when I practiced regularly, and everything worked out for me. But one day I was very busy and just forgot about it. And I missed the next day too. I then thought: "What the hell! Yesterday I still violated the schedule, so let me have another day off today."

Sound familiar? The phenomenon is called: the "What the hell" effect. "You feel like you've failed," explains Marissa Sharif, an associate professor at the Wharton School at the University of Pennsylvania (USA). "It's for this reason that you, for example, can break loose and eat a high-calorie dessert while trying to lose weight. If, while having lunch with friends, you go slightly beyond your norm, then most likely you will give up and break the diet in earnest: “what the hell, I’ll take a piece of this cake for myself too!” Often after a small setback, people completely give up.

Sharif has dedicated her academic career to researching how people react to small setbacks. Many of us fail to achieve one goal or another, and Sharif's work shows that this is because small temporary setbacks lead us astray.

The "What the hell" effect describes exactly why these failures affect us so severely. Fortunately, you can find a way to deal with them.

There is a technique that will help you overcome them and console yourself: creating "emergency reserves". According to Sharif, those people who give themselves small indulgences are better able to cope with setbacks. What does it look like?

Image copyright, Getty Images

Image caption,

Just eating a piece of cake can derail your entire diet if you treat it like a personal disaster

How to use "emergency reserves"

Assume , you want to limit your budget to a maximum of £1,200. At the same time, you would like to save something else.

You can set a hard limit of £1,000 for yourself in the hope of saving £200. Those who do this may succeed, but if for some reason you go over budget, there is a good chance that the “What the hell” effect will trigger, and then you spend more than 1200.

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And if you limit your budget to £1,200, most people will spend all that money without being able to save anything.

But if, however, they set themselves a budget of £1,000, but regard the remaining £200 as an "emergency reserve", then these people, even if for some reason they had to go over budget, still spend less than representatives of the first and second groups.

Assigning a small amount of money (in our case, 200 pounds) the role of a reserve "for every fireman", we thereby give rise to a feeling of guilt that arises when we begin to spend these reserves.

By creating a little leeway for ourselves when we set ourselves a goal, we get all the benefits of struggling to complete a difficult task, and at the same time, small borrowing from the "reserve fund" does not trigger the "What the hell" mechanism in our head that deduces the situation out of control.

The most important factor is a sufficient sense of guilt that arises when spending such an NT.

"Using the reserve should entail a psychological cost," Sharif explains. you really don't need them."

Image copyright, Getty Images

Image caption,

People work harder when a goal is difficult to achieve because they want to get closer to it no matter what. But defeat is also more likely in such a situation.

Sharif gives another example of how to encourage positive behavior. In one of her studies, participants were asked to complete a daily task.

One group was asked to do it seven days a week, the other five days. The third group was allowed to resort to emergency reserve: they were asked to complete the task seven days a week, but were allowed to miss two days. These days were allowed to be used at will, whenever you want.

People try harder when the task is difficult, Sharif suggests, because they want to get closer to the goal faster. The problem, however, is that in such a situation, the probability of defeat is higher.

In Sharif's experiment, members of a group that was asked to complete a task every day, seven days in a row, were more likely to refuse to continue if they failed even one day.

Lighter goals are more achievable, but there is little motivation to keep working when the goal is reached. The people in the five-day group rarely over-performed the task. They regarded what they achieved in five days as a job well done and did not try to do more.

The emergency reserve strategy attempts to evoke a positive response to the achievement of both complex and simple goals. In Sharif's study, participants in the third group (with spare days) completed the task for more days, working more willingly.

Clean slate and not my fault

There are other tactics that can be combined with an emergency reserve strategy. Here's an example: research has shown that we cope better with failure when we have the opportunity to start over with a clean slate.

There is a good reason why we make various promises and plans to ourselves on New Year's Eve: passing a certain date makes it easier for us to switch to a new plan.

The beginning of the year is perhaps the most obvious example, but the same effect, only in a weaker form, manifests itself in the case of the beginning of a new month, week, and even day.

For example, the number of attempts to search Google for the words "diet" or "gym" increases dramatically in the first days of the month or week.

Image copyright, Getty Images

Image caption,

Time markers - new weeks, months, and years - help us start over with a clean slate

Henchen Dai of the Anderson School of Management at the University of California, Los Angeles, studied in detail how this works Effect. Her research shows that such benchmarks create new mental "accountability periods" that allow us to move on from past failures: "Last week was wasted, but now I can start all over again."

A new year, a new month or a new week also allows us to see the big picture better, which increases our motivation. In the same way, we can use the impact of some external factors as an opportunity to start all over again.

For example, if the gym is closed for technical reasons that day, we don't blame ourselves as much for missing classes, notes Sharif. And the opening of the gym is an occasion to reset, reset our mental counters.

"Now, if I missed the gym class because I was lazy," she says, "then I would quit these classes altogether (the "What the hell" mechanism).

According to Sharif, the idea of ​​creating emergency reserves works for things like fitness, boring work, or classes with a language learning app (like I did).

In the workplace, Sharif recommends creating emergency reserves for any task, and make it a habit.

Naturally, tasks that require constant supervision by a supervisor or colleague are less suitable for this method. But in those cases where you suffer a minor setback because someone was late or did not have time to do something, you can always play the "it's not my fault" card with yourself.

"The only situation the method is not suitable for is addiction. Let's say you're trying to quit smoking by reducing the number of days you allow yourself a cigarette. Emergency reserves are unlikely to be useful here. I don't even know what will happen."

Perhaps you should not blame yourself too much for failures. Research shows that we tend to make a mistake out of a catastrophe, although it is much more useful to view it as a completely forgivable mistake.

In any case, you will have the opportunity to start everything from scratch next Monday.

---

You can read the original English version of this article at BBC Worklife.

how to relax and have fun / Sudo Null IT News

In the SmartProgress blog, we have already talked about the delights of procrastination, the psychology of goal setting, and our brain's response to multitasking. Now is the time to talk about what we all face and fear. About failures. Defeat cannot be a pleasant experience, and, unfortunately, we are not able to foresee everything and completely isolate ourselves from them. But we can learn to control ourselves. To do this, you just need to understand what happens in our consciousness and subconscious when we fail.

Strange as it may seem, our mind fools us into believing things that are far from reality. It is very important to be able to distinguish truth from deceit and transform your failures into valuable (albeit bitter) experience.

First, let's discuss a couple of startling facts about how failure changes our perception of reality, and see why our subconscious often plays cruel tricks on us.

Puffing out of an elephant fly…

After we have failed, our failed goal seems much less achievable.

Eloquent confirmation of this phenomenon was the results of studies conducted by American psychologists. A group of people were given the task of hitting the crossbar with the ball, while the field on which the research took place remained unmarked. Remarkably, for those who failed, the bar appeared to be farther and higher from them than it actually was—and how it was seen by those who successfully completed the task.

In other words, failure automatically distorts our perception of our goals, making them seem more out of reach than we previously thought. It's amazing how our assessment differs from reality.

Elephant and pug

The most offensive thing is that we fool ourselves not only by overestimating our goals, but also by underestimating ourselves. The bitterness of failure affects our self-perception: we begin to underestimate the level of our abilities and intelligence in our own eyes, we believe that we do not have enough talent or certain moral qualities to achieve our goals. It is not true!

Chain Reaction, Or How Our Brain Works When We Fail

Helplessness

Most people feel helpless when they fail. Why does this happen? The fact is that we get psychological trauma, and our mind, in response to this trouble, without asking permission, begins to take measures, trying to isolate us from further pain. How? It makes us feel completely hopeless and lose faith that we can do anything at all to achieve success in the cause in which we failed. So our consciousness protects us from further failures. Only here there is one side effect that mother nature clearly did not take into account: along with the danger of defeat, such a scenario robs us of the possibility of success.

Fear

Having failed only once, we can “acquire” a chronic subconscious fear of failure. Some people are sure that they are “afraid of success”. They are wrong - in fact, they are afraid of failure, although this is not easy to admit. The big problem with fears is that most of them are subconscious. Therefore, we are unable to evaluate them, to understand whether they are real, justified or completely irrational. And we can, without even realizing it, avoid everything that is associated not only with potential failure, but also with potential success.

Fear of failure is contagious

Yes, it may come as a surprise, but the fear of failure is contagious. And parents pass it on to their children. People who themselves are afraid of failure tend to react nervously to the failures of their children - and the latter subconsciously begin to perceive failure as something unacceptable.

Chain reaction

Thus, our “well-meaning” mind forces us to do things that will make us unhappy in the long run, although they are designed to protect us from the unpleasant emotions associated with failure.

A vivid example of this is subconscious self-sabotage. For those who are unfamiliar with this term, I can assure you that most of us have encountered this at least once in our lives, and some have even achieved a certain mastery in this unusual business. Self-sabotage is a model of human behavior in which he contradicts himself and hinders the achievement of his own goals. Have you ever experienced confusion when you want to do something, but, on the other hand, find a lot of reasons to procrastinate? Here it is worth adding disbelief in yourself and in your bright future, and often envy of other, more successful homo sapiens.

Then the person comes up with excuses for his failure and himself creates situations that can both justify his defeat in his own eyes and protect him from the condemnation of others. This includes exaggerating the importance of some side tasks, making decisions that deliberately interfere with success. There is also “hardcore”: such psychosomatic symptoms as exaggerated stomach pain and headache are what we direct at ourselves in search of the desired “distraction” that will prevent us from moving towards our goal.

Here, for example, is a student who wants to pass an exam, but plays the fool to the last, and then goes to a party on the eve of Doomsday, doing nothing more than self-sabotage. And he has an explanation why he will fail the exam - he had too much fun and did not sleep enough.

This is such an irony, my friends - subconsciously we want to protect ourselves from failures, but we doom ourselves to them. In the end, we have no choice but to take matters into our own hands.

How to deal with it

Failure is dangerous because failure makes us believe we are helpless, which is what most people feel. Failure can greatly overwhelm us, make us feel hopeless, give rise to both conscious and subconscious fears, cause feelings. But we can take a hit. You just need to choose the right weapon.

A new look at failure - learn to fall

Get it on your nose that those peaks that you wanted to reach, but failed, remained in the same place where they were before your failure. All that has changed is your perception and attitude towards them. So we need to try to believe in ourselves again and get rid of the veil that prevents us from seeing the obvious: we took a step and stumbled, we got bumps and gained experience, and maybe even moved a little forward. At the same time, our goal did not break away and did not disappear across the ocean - it did not become more difficult, the road to it did not become more thorny than it was before our fall.

It's time to get up and try again - and perhaps the previous bitter experience can save us from some future failures. Try to perceive failure as a lesson that will help us achieve success in the future.

You need to know your enemy by sight

To do this, you need to carefully study the task that you failed. Break it down into aspects that you can control and those that are beyond your control. Then go down the list of things you can't control and think about what you need to do to get them under control. Maybe careful planning, connections, preparation, additional knowledge or skills will help you? Then focus your attention on everything you can change. It will be a good antidote to helplessness and depression, which will speed up the healing of the emotional wounds caused by failure and help you achieve success.

Target

If you failed on the way to your dream, this does not mean that you are unworthy of it. Perhaps you just needed to break it down into tasks that, step by step, will bring you closer to what you want. You can read about the art of goal setting here.

Planning

This is the next step. Since the previous scheme of actions failed you, now you need to carefully plan your new path to the goal, taking into account the pitfalls that you have already encountered. Don't forget about a plan B - it's possible that it was the lack of it that led to your failure. If you think over the methods of retreat in advance, then the fall will not turn out to be something tragic - it will simply be a transition from one tactic to another.

Motivation

People will help you overcome fears and cope with feelings, gain faith in yourself and see the path to your goal. Reach out to your loved ones, to those people who have achieved success in what you burned yourself on. They will help you understand that failure is normal and we all make mistakes. Try coaching or find yourself a mentor. They will teach you how to get up after a fall and move on. For some reason, many people think that they do not need outside help - but this is not so, it is much easier for us to achieve our goals in a team of like-minded people who will motivate us to new achievements.

In SmartProgress you will find thousands of stories of people who, despite setbacks, managed to achieve their goals thanks to a good plan and the support of other people. And that means you can do it too!

Leveling skills - plus in karma

Oddly enough, but human willpower can be compared with muscles - without proper exercise, it atrophies, and when overstressed, it requires rest. Our brain needs glucose so that it can not only think clearly, but also show enough willpower to deal with itself, procrastination and other difficulties. So watch how much effort and willpower you show during the day, and do not forget to take breaks for rest and snacks (pamper your brain with glucose).

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