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My friends left me


Why Do My Friends Always Leave Me?

Do you feel like you never ‘fit in’? That you’re always the outsider, looking in. No one gets to know the real you. How could they? They’d never get it anyway. And what’s the point?  Because everyone who comes into your life leaves you in the end anyway…

Friendships are one of the most important pillars in life. They make up our support system; a sanctuary where we can share the good and the bad, and really feel understood. 

Or at least they should feel like that.

But for some people these kinds of connections don’t come so easy. If you relate to any of the above statements, you might even feel very anxious about your friendships, and hesitant about forming new ones. If you feel like you’re constantly let down by people, what’s the point?

But all humans have the capacity (and need) for friendship. And if this is something you’re struggling with at the moment, then it might point to something deeper.

Why is this happening to me?

What do all the above statement have in common? They are all self-defeating thoughts.  But they’re true, you might say. Perhaps all your friends do end up leaving you. 

Here’s the thing: these self-defeating thoughts might be playing a larger part in this than you think.

Let’s take a closer look.

These thoughts or ‘beliefs’ are perhaps best seen through the lens of Schema Therapy. Schemas are essentially coping strategies or beliefs about the world (or ourselves) that we adopt in response to the difficulties we experience in life. Our schemas can be traced all the way back to our experiences in childhood, and they develop according to our how our emotional needs were met – or unmet.

If we grew up in a stable, supportive environment then we’re likely to grow up with a healthy, positive outlook on life. And if we’ve seen good, healthy relationships and friendships around us then we’re probably going to be more adept at recreating something like that when we grow up. 

If, on the other hand, we grew up with a lot of instability around us – whether that be through divorce, the death of a family member, abuse (physical, mental or emotional) or neglect – we’re going to grow up with a very different view of the world.

Let’s start by looking at three of the main schemas that might be contributing to your situation.

You feel like there is something inherently different or wrong with you (defectiveness schema)

If you have the defectiveness schema, you will have an underlying feeling like there’s something inferior, flawed or wrong with you. Even when people tell you what a great person you are, you never believe them. After all, how would they know? They don’t know what you really think or all the terrible things you’ve done.

If you have this schema your thoughts about yourself are likely to be grossly exaggerated.

This schema usually stems from neglect, rejection or abuse in childhood. As children we don’t have the capacity yet to differentiate right from wrong in others and instead internalise negativity, believing that it must be because there’s something wrong with us.

Because you move through life feeling flawed, you probably also feel a lot of shame. You might go to great lengths to keep people from discovering the ‘real’ you because you’re worried that you’ll get ‘found out’. You’ll probably also be especially sensitive to criticism, and suffer social anxiety in groups of people.

You might carry thoughts around like, “I don’t deserve friends” or “If I get too close to them, I’ll be found out and they’ll abandon me”.

But by thinking like this, you will never arrive to a friendship on equal terms. You will always be placing the other person on a higher pedestal. And that means you open the door to being walked over. We set the terms for how we allow people to treat us.

In therapy, healing this schema will come with the realisation that you are not flawed, and that you are worthy of the same love and care that you offer to other people.

You feel like everyone always leaves you (abandonment schema)

If you have the abandonment schema, you will have an overriding sense that no one ever sticks around – that ultimately, everyone always leaves you. Although you yearn for connection, you can’t help but anticipate the worst.

This schema usually develops when a parent or caregiver left when you were young – either literally or figuratively. Maybe a parent died or your parents divorced, which meant that one parent was absent when you were growing up. You carry this fear of being abandoned into your future friendships and relationships.

Always anticipating rejection, you’re likely to behave in a rather erratic fashion. Maybe you become clingy and needy in your friendships – or at the other extreme, you might pull away completely. If you faced a lot of loneliness growing up, you might not fear being alone as such but the risk of losing someone again is simply too much to bear. So perhaps you avoid friendships altogether.

You might also be subconsciously choosing friends that reinforce this belief i.e. people that offer some kind of abandonment potential e.g. someone known to be unreliable or someone headed to university in a different country.

By doing this, you confirm your deepest conviction – that no one ever sticks around for the long haul.

You feel like a “lone wolf”, as though you’re always on the outside of groups looking in (social isolation schema)

If you have the social isolation schema, you’re going to feel like you never fit in because you’re different to other people. You might struggle connecting in social situations because you believe that you are fundamentally separate to other people.

This schema usually stems from having grown up in a family that was somehow different to other families (ethnically, financially etc) or if you moved around a lot growing up and you were always the “new kid on the block”. Because of this, as a child, you will have naturally struggled to form the same level of depth in your friendships. 

But if you always feel like an outsider you’re probably going to act like you are too. Maybe you over-identify with this image of yourself and make a conscious effort to play up your differences. Or perhaps you accept your fate and withdraw into your own private world. Whatever the case, you subconsciously separate yourself from other people which can leave you feeling isolated and alone.

The important thing here is to realise that you are not weird or different. In fact, we’re actually all much more alike than we like to admit. You simply have this conception of yourself because of the experiences you had growing up. When you work to identify where this stems from you will no longer feel this sense of isolation.

What next?

Not everyone is meant to stay in our lives forever. Some friendships naturally grow apart. As the saying goes, friends come into your life either for a reason, a season or a lifetime. 

So let’s start by throwing all the ones that haven’t worked out into the ‘reason’ pile. Why? Because they illuminated this pattern. And that’s the first, most important step. Once you identify the pattern, you have the power to heal it and stop the once and for all.  

The best relationship we will ever have is the one we have with ourselves. Therapy provides a safe, non-judgemental space to work on that relationship and heal the wounds of our past so that they stop dragging us down. When that happens, we start attracting the right kind of people into our life – the ones who show up for us and stick around.

Why Do My Mates Leave Me Out?

Being left out is something that we have all experienced within our friendship groups. Being excluded comes with a massive side order of anything from shame, humiliation, embarrassment and rejection.

Sadly, there are very few places that are talking about how to handle this kind of thing. Which is pretty ridiculous when you consider the lasting long term effects being left out by your friends and exclusion can have on a person’s well being.

Whether you can count your friends on one hand or you have a big group of mates, it is inevitable you’re not going to be invited to every single social event. That all seems reasonable enough to say and easy enough to accept right, because most of the time it’s not personal? But why when we see pictures on Instagram or Snapchat Stories of a couple of our friends enjoying themselves, do we feel that pang of sadness and FOMO?

Why is it, that when you see your mate’s Snapchat story and they’re all at the park, do you instantly want to be there? Sometimes its even a case of just wanting to be invited, even though you know that you probably won’t even go… but we’ve all been there, right!?

Is it FOMO?

FOMO is the fear of missing out. It is that horrible feeling you get when you have to stay home sick, while your mates all go out and enjoy themselves and all you can do is think about how much fun you’re not having right now.. 😒

Isn’t it amazing how you never really get FOMO when you’re off school sick though…

The odd time when you don’t make it to the party guest list is something we can all deal with and get over but what if you’re being excluded by your ‘friends’ all the time?

Rejection is a normal part of life

Remember that everyone feels left out sometimes. It’s unlikely to be a common thing to happen unless you have fallen out with your friends, or they are socially isolating you. Know that being left out is usually temporary and that you won’t be left out all of the time.

If you want to learn more about rejection, check out this article:

7 Things You Need To Know About Rejection

This is a painful thing to have to go through indeed, and can even feel worse than outright bullying. What lots of people don’t realise is that purposely leaving someone out to hurt their feelings is a form of indirect bullying and it’s called social exclusion.

Social exclusion comes in many different forms:

  • Being regularly excluded from events/parties/outings
  • Getting left out of general conversation. For example, not being listened to or constantly spoken over.
  • Being told to go away or being told you’re unwelcome
  • The overuse of ‘in’ jokes between friends which purposely makes you feel isolated

Do any of these sound familiar?

It’s a grey area because the truth is, you can’t force someone to like you. If you have conflicting personalities, different opinions, different interests and you just don’t get on, fine – don’t force a friendship just because you’re in the same group of friends or the same year group.

Sometimes it is more than that though, sometimes people go out of their way to make us feel isolated, and that’s just not cool.

So what can I do about it?

If you’re being excluded here are some things you can try.

Talk to your actual friends about it. True friends won’t be influenced by other people’s opinions of you.

Talk to the person who is excluding you and tell them how it makes you feel. In doing so you are addressing the issue head-on and opening up a dialogue. This is all probably sounds pretty daunting but by doing this, you are taking a proactive approach.

Just make sure it’s done right: a good place to start might be asking the person, ‘have I done something to offend you?’. Before you do that, read this guide on speaking to someone.

The best way to deal with social exclusion is to strengthen other relationships. If you have other friends who aren’t as close, try hanging out with them a bit more. Strengthen friendships with people who value you for who you are.

Join a club, take up a team sport or learn an instrument. These things are incredible social activities which will open up many opportunities to meet new people and provide chances to get involved in socials.

Always remember that you don’t deserve to be treated badly by people who are supposed to be your friends!

Check out the articles below for more tips and join our community where there are a whole bunch of like-minded people waiting to chat!

Some important things to always remember:

It’s not always personal

Even though being left out feels incredibly personal, that doesn’t actually mean that it is. There are a whole variety of reasons why you may not have been invited. What’s hard, is that we rarely get to find out why and it’s so easy to believe the worst, even if it is nothing personal! Nevertheless, social exclusion is a form of bullying and is very painful to endure. How we treat other people is a direct reflection of how we feel about ourselves. However shiny and happy they might look on the surface, remember that everything is not always as it seems.

It happens to all of us

Ask anyone over the age of 25 and we bet you they will be able to recall a really painful memory of being left out growing up. It is so easy to imagine you are the only one it has happened to. It won’t feel like this forever and over time you might even be able to look back and laugh at it all.

Belonging

Part of the devastation that it causes is that it can dislocate us from our sense of belonging. Firstly from each other and then from ourselves. We are social animals that are hardwired to find happiness and comfort in being a part of something. Belonging is often at the core of our happiness which is why being left out hurts so much! 

Perspective

Where our thoughts go, our feelings follow. Being uninvited or excluded can feel like anything from a sting to a direct stab in the heart. As a result, it is incredibly easy to lose perspective and dive head first into a spiral of fear and shame. When this happens it is so important to talk it through with someone you love and try to reframe your thinking. Why has it touched a nerve? Did you even want to be invited? Will this matter in a year? Asking questions like these can help you to process the situation and help you to think clearly.

How can I feel better about it?

The best way to feel better about being left out, is to treat yourself. Do something that makes you happy or something you enjoy doing. This could be working on a project, diving into a hobby, having a long bath or practising self-care.

Looking for more ways to look after yourself? Here’s 25 tips to practice self-care.

  • Take our Friendship Quiz!
  • How to Deal with Friends Who Are Bullying You
  • Are They Really Your Friend? 15 Signs That Suggest They Are Not
  • How To Speak To Somebody Who Is Bullying You

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may find new friends and send them away threw?

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God, how I understand you . .... I have the same story) only I'm already 15) I had a group of friends, and a girl got into this group. Who told them (I guess) a lot of nasty things about me) When I called them for a walk, they agreed. They just didn’t come and pick up the phone) And I waited like a fool) And you know, they also had some love ups and downs. But I didn’t delve into it) I advise you to forget, score) and not remember) I couldn’t move away for a long time) There was apathy) Go in for sports! Read books! Make yourself interesting hairstyles, dress up beautifully)) And you will quickly find friends for yourself))))) If they left you, then they are not so true friends)
I couldn't calm down for a long time) I sobbed every day... Mom gave me Evalar's evening tea))) I slowly calmed down and fell asleep) Now everything is fine, I have a friend) Everything is in your hands! Hold on! You are strong!

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