Feeling lonely at night

The Secret for How to Cope with Loneliness at Night - Justin Lioi, LCSW

You can fill your day with a job that you love and pays you well. You can eat nutritious, good-tasting food. You can plan fun activities with good friends in the evening. Basically, you can create a rich, exciting life for yourself and still feel incredibly sad when it’s time to go to sleep. Discovering how to cope with loneliness at night can be a real challenge for people.

The darkness allows for all the anxieties to start dancing. It’s then that all the distractions you had throughout the day fall away and core fears are laid bare:

Will I always be alone?
Is something wrong with me?
What do people really think of me?

The more you follow these thoughts the more you’re feeding the loneliness. Nothing good comes of that except becoming an expert at making yourself feel terrible.

The Perils of Self-Judgment

Making the feelings worse is the judgment that rises up. After the fears of being alone and the anxiety of what will happen as you get older pop up, next comes the self-worth comments. Something MUST be wrong with me, you think.

For some reason we just love to cling to that idea.

I’m all for taking responsibility, but the number of people I meet who will tell me difficult stories of their growing up or who have high pressure jobs—or both—but are certain that they are just intrinsically not okay, reminds me that many people who seek out therapy are doing it precisely because they think they need to be “fixed.”

It’s important to me to attempt to dispel that because of how damaging that belief is.

I value anyone who says that they want to do some work on themselves. And by “work” I don’t mean, I’m screwed up, I need you to tell me what to do next. I mean people who are brave enough to explore what’s going on inside them and in their world.

The Bravery of Looking

Going to therapy doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with that person. The mere fact that they found their way into my office means they already have some ways of managing those feelings, but they might be ready to confront them a bit more.

And by confront, I mean feel.

Because that’s what the darkness and the silence demand. That’s part of how to cope with loneliness at night. Feeling what you’ve been avoiding all day. I’m not putting down your great habit of going to the gym, making a delicious meal, or socializing with good people. Often as not, though, you probably have not taken a few minutes out of your day to spend some time just with yourself.

And why should you?

Could be a long rabbit hole to fall down. Some people have been honest with me about why they don’t go to therapy: they don’t want to know what they’re going to find down there.

Unfortunately, we’re not built in such a way that we can choose to not follow the White Rabbit and also sleep well. One thought, or even a slight feeling, can pass by, but more come and it’s impossible to avoid so much that none of them need to be taken seriously.

Confronting Feelings on Our Terms, Not Theirs

By the middle of the night if we can’t sleep, we’re meeting the feelings on their own terms without any defenses.

This leads to irrational thinking and catastrophizing where the mundane seems a lot more real. Think back to when you were a child and the sound of your back door opening could only mean that your family would be slaughtered or the shadow across from your bed resembled a scene from that Freddie’s Nightmares episode you weren’t supposed to watch.

What’s the good news?

There are things you can do, even during the day, that can help you find how to cope with loneliness at night.

Learn to Titrate Your Feelings During the Day

Titrating the feelings can be helpful, but it’s best to start this during the day when you’re stronger. If you’re waiting until all is quiet and dark to feel your feelings, especially if they’re connected to a trauma, you’re allowing for a free flow of emotion once the night comes. You’re not doing your self, or your feelings, any favors this way. They’ve been pushed down for too long and need to get out somewhere. Their scream for attention may not be as loud at night if they are given chances to talk during the day.

The first step is noticing the feelings. They’re not just lying dormant all day long. They don’t have a watch that tells them let’s wait until 2 AM when your defenses are down. They attempt to get out during the day.

Examples: Have you ever had a response to something that seemed a bit more emotional than you thought the experience called for? Have you gotten angrier at something that in retrospect seemed not that important? Even laughed too loud at something that wasn’t all that funny? Maybe you’ve noticed a physical pain in the stomach or head, but didn’t know why you’d have it?

All of these may be ways that your feelings are inviting you to pay attention to them.

So noticing this. Being curious about it. Allowing for the possibility that the annoyance could be related to a feeling that’s not being fully paid attention to. That’s number one.

It can take a lot for people who find comfort in black and white and concrete ways of thinking to accept this possibility. What makes it helpful in that it lets you off the hook for a minute. It removes the judgment for a quick second to see if anything is underneath. Because judgment conceals. It guards against something.

If you’re a person who’s very judgmental it’s worth exploring what you’re guarding against. What would happen if you didn’t?

Next, you want to find ways to welcome the feelings. This may seem counterintuitive. Who wants to feel bad? Who wants to feel scared, sad, or anxious?

Well, the point is that these feelings are going to affect you. Somewhere. Maybe in your eating habits, maybe in your sex life, or maybe in the amount of enjoyment you have in other interactions with people. They don’t just disappear.

During the day it’s best if you can find a quiet place away from others where you can just allow the feelings to move through you. Notice where you are feeling them in your body. Would it be easier to do an activity during this? Wash some dishes, do some filing, but pay attention to how you’re feeling during it. Don’t do anything too important or wash anything that can break easily. You need to allow yourself to feel upset.

Do it for just a few minutes, no need to go too deep for your first time.

If you’ve been living a life of distracting yourself from feelings. If your parents weren’t very expressive and if they didn’t allow you show your feelings (“Stop being a baby! Men don’t cry! Get it together!”) then this is not going to be easy. Often my sessions are about letting someone have a feeling, sometimes for the first time. No crying is expected, but it’s allowed.

If I could better explain the look of surprise on people’s faces when they notice and have a feeling for the first time I would. They don’t just feel bad. And they don’t just walk away feeling sorry for themselves or feeling like a victim of the parent du jour:

They release a strong feeling—and not their normal one. Some people, men especially, are great with the anger releasing, not so with the more vulnerable feelings.

After they express the emotion they realize they survived it. It didn’t destroy them. It didn’t destroy me either.

No one gets annihilated because you feel how angry, sad, scared, PO’d you really are.

We get to go deeper in a session, but that doesn’t mean you can’t do this work on your own. People were having feelings long before therapists were invented too!

Distraction or Deepening?

How many of the things that you do in your life are designed for you to experience feelings instead of running away from them?

Religious rituals are designed to hold strong feelings. Think of all that is done in each culture with regard to death. Mindfulness is catching on more and more in our culture—and that’s essentially what I’m describing: just knowing and feeling how you are feeling. Mindfulness is even more basic. If you’re breathing, know that you’re breathing. Even more: if you’re breathing IN, know that you’re breathing IN.

I’ll even contradict myself and say if you’re filing paperwork, just know that you’re filing paperwork. The feelings may poke at you because you are only filing. Not whistling, talking with a co-worker about Game of Thrones or listening to your iPod. But if you can handle it, just do the thing that you’re doing. And know that you’re doing the thing that you’re doing.

Sound simple? I’ll give you ten breaths to try. Whatever you’re doing, just take a few moments. Know that you’re reading a blog post, know that you’re sipping tea, etc.

When it’s time to stop reading your book or turn off the late show you may start to notice that the feelings are not as desperate because you’ve given them some time during the day. Hopefully, they’ll give you some time to sleep.

Dealing with loneliness at night may be directly related to how you allow yourself to feel deeply during the day. This post provided some ways to do that by just being more connected to the feelings that come up during your regularly scheduled day. If this seems impossible or too frightening to do on your own, don’t hesitate to contact me and we can begin to search for ways that work for you.

Justin Lioi, LCSW is a men’s mental health and relationship expert. He practices counseling in Brooklyn, NY (and online throughout New York State and internationally.) He received his degree from New York University and has been working with men and their families for over 10 years. Justin is on the Board of the National Association of Social Workers and writes a weekly column for the Good Men Project called Unmasking Masculinity. He can be found on local and national podcasts talking about assertiveness, anger, self-compassion, all with the goal of becoming the man you want to be.

13 Ways to Not Feel Lonely, Even If You're Alone

Loneliness is a common feeling, but there are steps you can take to help feel more connected. Listening to music, calling a friend, taking a walk outside, and other activities may reduce your sense of isolation.

Loneliness is going around, and it’s having a pretty big impact.

Even before psychological distress and loneliness increased during the COVID-19 pandemic, a January 2020 survey reported that over three in five Americans felt lonely.

Prolonged loneliness can drain you emotionally, making life seem bleak and pointless. It can also lead to physical symptoms, including aches and pains, sleep problems, and a weakened immune response.

Note that loneliness isn’t the same thing as social isolation. You can be alone without feeling lonely. You can also feel lonely even when you’re around other people. Loneliness happens when you feel distressed when you’re alone, while social isolation is the lack of regular interactions with other people.

When it feels impossible to escape feelings of loneliness, these 13 tips can help you navigate them and keep them from wearing you down.

Casting a different light on what it means to be alone may make it easier to navigate feelings of loneliness.

Loneliness happens when your needs for social interaction and human connection go unmet. Different people have different interaction needs, so this doesn’t happen at the same point for everyone. For example:

If you spend most nights with friends and loved ones, you might feel lonely with just one interaction per week.
If you prefer being on your own, you might feel perfectly satisfied by seeing one friend each week.
You might feel lonely upon returning to an empty house, even when you have plenty of strong friendships.
If you struggle to connect with a live-in partner, you might feel lonely even if you’re often together.

Most people need close relationships in order to thrive. That said, research suggests that some amount of solitude — or quality alone time — is also important. Solitude creates opportunities for self-discovery, creative thought, and self-reflection.

Time alone can also open the door to greater mindfulness, which may help reduce anxiety and depression.

Next time loneliness begins to surface, accept it as it comes. Maybe you put on music and pick up a forgotten sketchpad, flip through old notebooks and rediscover your love of poetry, or simply sit and get in tune with your feelings and personal goals.

Whatever you choose to do, finding ways to make the most of your alone time can help you lean into solitude and use it to your benefit.

It may feel difficult to notice positive things in your life when you feel lonely, but taking a few minutes to practice gratitude each day may help you feel better.

Practicing gratitude can be as simple as thinking of something small you enjoyed recently, like talking to a friend or eating a tasty meal. You can also try to:

write down a few things you’re grateful for
remember a few positive moments from your day
if you feel grateful to someone, tell them about it
relive a happy experience from the past in your mind

A 2019 study found that participating in a daily gratitude writing exercise reduced loneliness and improved health among older adults.

Music and other sounds aren’t specifically proven to reduce loneliness, but they may still help push it back.

Sound may help fill the space in your environment and thoughts, which can make it feel less overwhelming. For example:

Music may boost your mood, according to research, while audiobooks might provide distraction and a temporary escape.
Podcasts and talk radio inform and entertain, and their conversational atmosphere may also help create a sense of connection.
A favorite TV show or movie can help break the silence in a comforting way, even if you don’t sit down and watch it all the way through.
Opening a window to hear birds and passersby may help you feel more connected to the wider world.

Even if you don’t see all your friends or family regularly, you can still maintain your closeness. Research from 2021 suggests that virtual interactions, especially when you’re connecting to a larger number of people, may help reduce loneliness and benefit mental health if you can’t meet others in person.

Sometimes a quick text can seem like the easiest way to connect, but don’t underestimate the power of speaking to another person. A 2021 study found that even a regular 10-minute phone call may help ease loneliness.

Simply spending time around others won’t always relieve loneliness. A 2021 study found that being in overcrowded areas actually increased feelings of loneliness.

The quality of your interactions often matters more than the number. That’s why you might feel lonely in a large group of casual acquaintances but fulfilled by a quiet evening with your closest friend.

How you spend time with others can make a big difference, too. Sometimes, you might just need some company and feel fine watching a movie with a friend or sharing space while working or browsing social media.

When you feel the need to connect on a deeper level, try to find ways to make your interactions more meaningful:

Share emotions and personal experiences.
Ask questions, and really listen to what your loved ones have to say.
Talk about things that matter — work, creative projects, mutual interests.

It’s hard to entirely avoid talking about current events, and you might want to stay informed about what’s happening in the world. Even so, it may help to center your conversations around things that bring you both joy rather than dwelling entirely on distressing news.

A change of environment can distract you and help dull the ache of loneliness. Getting out of the house can put you in the path of others and remind you that you aren’t alone in the world.

Time in nature can also help ease emotional distress and boost your overall wellness.

A few ideas to try:

Visit your favorite park. Try to identify different birds — both birds and birdsong can have a positive impact on well-being, according to recent research.
Take a walk around your neighborhood. Explore streets you’ve never visited and greet neighbors when your paths cross.
Plan a scavenger hunt with friends.
Visit and support local businesses, if possible.

Getting out on foot (or bike) can also tire you out, making for good sleep.

A research review from 2020 suggests that loneliness may be linked to worse sleep quality and insomnia, but the effects don’t stop there. Sleeping poorly can affect daytime functioning, which might, in turn, increase your sense of isolation.

Emotions tend to gather under the surface and intensify when they go unacknowledged. Expressing your feelings out loud, however, may diminish their power to cause distress.

Telling a loved one you feel lonely can make it easier to get important emotional support that helps loosen the grip of loneliness.

Talking about difficult emotions can also help empower your loved ones to share any feelings they might be struggling with, making it possible to explore coping strategies together.

Sharing painful or unwanted emotions with others can feel difficult, especially if you aren’t used to talking about your feelings. If you’re not feeling up to it, journaling offers another way to express and sort through feelings privately that, research shows, can promote well-being.

Creative pursuits like art, music, and writing can help improve mental health. If these activities bring you joy and help you feel more connected, they may also help reduce feelings of loneliness.

Creation can also leave you with a sense of fulfillment and satisfaction, emotions that might challenge a prevailing mood of loneliness and sadness.

Find your flow

Another key benefit of creativity lies in reaching a flow state. Flow, often as a sense of being “in the zone,” can happen anytime you challenge yourself with an activity you’re passionate about.

Finding your flow means reaching a point where distracting sensations and emotions (like loneliness) temporarily fade away, allowing you to fully focus on your art, music, or anything else.

A 2020 study during COVID-19 lockdowns in China found that participants who reported reaching flow also experienced more positive emotions and less loneliness.

While a fresh canvas or blank page may not completely erase loneliness or keep it from coming back, art offers another area of focus, one where you can harness your emotions to create something permanent and moving.

Animals may not be able to talk (unless, of course, you have a vocal bird), but they provide companionship all the same. The presence of another living creature can comfort you, and their antics can help lift your spirits and relieve stress, as thousands of pet videos on the internet can confirm.

Research also suggests pet ownership can improve both mental and physical wellness. As another bonus, having a dog gives you a reason to head outside on a regular basis.

If you don’t have a pet of your own, consider looking into volunteer opportunities at local shelters. This may have a dual benefit, as research indicates that spending time volunteering may reduce loneliness.

For a quick fix

If you love dogs but can’t have one, consider visiting your local dog park. If anyone asks why you’re there, just explain that you love dogs but don’t have one of your own. Everyone there is likely already a dog lover, so chances are they’ll understand (and maybe even let you toss a ball to their dog).

While social media often seems like an appealing way to maintain connections with loved ones, it can sometimes increase feelings of loneliness.

A loved one’s happy, carefree post can give the impression they don’t miss you quite as much as you miss them. When you’re alone, seeing others spending time with romantic partners or family members can also sting.

Of course, social media never shows the whole picture, so you can’t really know what your loved ones feel without asking. It’s also worth considering some of those posts might serve as someone else’s approach to countering loneliness.

Research also suggests that comparing yourself to others on social media may be linked to increased loneliness.

In short, it never hurts to close those apps and connect with a phone call or text instead.

Loneliness can occupy your thoughts to the point where it feels difficult to think about anything else, including the things you usually enjoy.

Still, favorite hobbies can fill the time until you’re able to see loved ones again. Doing things you enjoy or that are meaningful to you — from yoga to video games to baking — may also ground you and help you find inner calm.

Don’t forget that hobbies and relaxing activities also benefit mental health, according to research, which plays an important part in overall well-being.

However overwhelming it feels, loneliness won’t last forever. Acknowledging that fact can sometimes bring some relief. Know also that the feeling is widespread, so you’re not alone in feeling this way.

Sometimes it can take a little time and effort, but it’s always possible to reach out and strengthen existing connections or forge new ones.

If loneliness leaves you feeling low and hopeless, you might need a listening ear or extra support to get through a moment of crisis.

You can call the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline or text the Crisis Text Line 24/7 to get free, confidential support from a trained counselor. They’ll listen to whatever’s on your mind and help you explore strategies to find some relief.

Here’s how to get in touch in the U.S.:

Reach the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline by calling 988 or 800-273-TALK (800-273-8255).
Reach the Crisis Text Line by texting HOME to 741741.

When waves of loneliness crash over your head, there’s a lot you can do to ride them out.

If loneliness doesn’t seem to improve and you feel low more often than not, talking to a therapist can help.

In therapy, you can:

Get more insight on what might be going on.
Learn skills to manage distress in the moment.
Explore strategies to help more effectively manage loneliness in the future.

Crystal Raypole has previously worked as a writer and editor for GoodTherapy. Her fields of interest include Asian languages and literature, Japanese translation, cooking, natural sciences, sex positivity, and mental health. In particular, she’s committed to helping wedecrease stigma around mental health issues.

The therapist explained how to overcome loneliness

The topic of loneliness is one that is probably familiar to all of us. Loneliness is the feeling that accompanies us in our development. This is part of the journey of finding yourself. And it leads to the fact that we begin to value relationships more.

Experience of loneliness

Loneliness is experienced very painfully. This is the kind of feeling we want to run away from, and we do it by being distracted by something. We are helped by watching TV shows and movies, computer, mobile phone, travel, alcohol, work. All this helps to get rid of the unpleasant feeling. Because in loneliness we experience that we again find ourselves thrown back to ourselves. In loneliness, I am only with myself. I'm thrown. There is no one around. I don't have a relationship, I don't have anyone I can talk to. Loneliness is the experience of experiencing the absence of a relationship. This feeling can be especially acute in longing for something. If you love someone, you yearn for separation from him. I miss my loved one, I feel connected to him, but I cannot see him. My heart is next to him, and without him or without her, my heart is lost to a certain extent.

A similar feeling can be experienced with nostalgia, when we yearn for our native places. I experienced a very strong longing for my native places when, as a child of 11-12 years old, I was in a boarding school. It was warm and pleasant at home, I had relationships there, I had friends there, and I was at a boarding school far from home. I haven't been home for a whole month. I felt like I was in a foreign world. The world was cold and I felt lost. All this time I thought about what was happening at home, what my relatives were doing: now they got up, now they are having dinner, now the family has gathered at the table. And I was constantly in pain because I was separated from that part of life where I usually experienced warmth, where I had the feeling that I was part of this world. I felt incredibly alone.

We may feel lonely at work if we are confronted with some demands, if there are some projects that we have not yet grown up to. Where we feel insecure about them, and if no one supports us at the same time. Then we feel alone. If I know that everything depends on me alone, there may be a fear that will accompany loneliness. It's the fear that I'll be weak, that I'll feel guilty about not being able to do it.

It's even worse if bullying occurs at work. Then I will feel that I am given to it at the mercy of, I am on the edge of society and I am no longer a part of it.

Loneliness is a very big topic in old age, in old age. And in childhood. Children who are not met, children who are left alone if the parents are busy doing something else, may feel helpless in their loneliness. Loneliness traumatizes children, because in solitude they are not able to develop their Self. They stop in development. There is a curvature in the development of the child if he experiences long moments of loneliness. On the other hand, it is not so bad if the child spends a couple of hours alone, because for him this is an impetus for development. Just what is reality.

In old age, loneliness is no longer a traumatic factor and does not hinder development - but it is burdensome. It can cause depression, paranoid feelings, sleep disturbances, psychosomatic complaints, and pseudodementia. It happens that pseudo-dementia is the silence of a person from loneliness. He used to have a family, he worked for decades, was among people, and now he sits at home alone. One of my patients at the age of 85 was sitting at home alone. Being her doctor, so that she would not be completely alone, I bought her a canary. She has a living being. This canary helped her live a couple of years longer. She talked to her every day.

For most older people, television is their "comfort". But TV is a communication directed only in one direction. And yet man at least hears human voices. And in any case, he can say something to himself, even if no one will hear. I think this is not a bad form of overcoming loneliness, creating a kind of bridge, because it takes the edge off loneliness. But, of course, this is an ersatz, a replacement. In old age, loneliness can be very overwhelming. Especially if he has lost the ability to see or hear. Can I imagine that I have to live in this state for a couple of years? When the only thing that will accompany me is back pain or indigestion. We can imagine how helpless we are in such situations. And here the question of the value of life really arises.

Do I know loneliness? If we ask ourselves: when was the last time I felt lonely? Is loneliness somehow present in my life? Maybe it is hidden behind some businesslike everyday life? If I'm being honest, I can probably find it. Or I may find that there were times when I was alone. Maybe I haven't known this feeling for a long time? Maybe it's foreign to me? Or another pole: maybe I really suffer acutely from loneliness? And it overwhelms me so much that all the joy in relation to life simply disappeared, that the question arises about the meaning of life.

Loneliness among people

I can experience loneliness not only if I do not have relationships with people. I can feel lonely during some holiday, at a party, even at my own birthday, at school, at work, in my family. Sometimes people are nearby, but something is missing. There is no meeting, there is not enough intimacy, there is no exchange with another person. We have superficial conversations, and I have a need to talk to a person for real. We talk about skiing, about cars, but we don't talk about me and you.

In many families, it is only about some business, who and what should buy, who should cook food, but our relationships, what worries us, are silent. Then I feel alone and in the family.

If no one in the family sees me, especially if it is a child, then I am alone. Even worse - I am abandoned, because there are people around, but they are not interested in me, they do not look into my eyes. They only look at whether I do well in school and that I don't do anything bad. And that's how I'm raised. I grow up alone.

The same happens in partnerships: we have been together for 20 years, but at the same time we feel lonely. The sexual relationship is functioning, but am I in the relationship? Is the other talking about me - or only about yourself? Or just to satisfy some needs? If we don't take the time to talk to each other, as we did when we were in love, then we become lonely even in good relationships.

There are periods in every relationship when it feels lonely as the relationship develops more on a curve with ups and downs. We cannot be constantly ready to communicate with another, be constantly open to another person. We are immersed in ourselves, busy with our problems, feelings, and we have no time for another. But it can happen just when he needs it the most. At this moment, I am not for another, and the other feels alone, maybe even abandoned in trouble. Such situations occur in any relationship. But it doesn't harm the relationship if we can then talk about our different states. And then we find each other again. But sometimes these moments remain wounds that we receive in the course of our lives.

We can experience loneliness not only when we are not in a relationship, but even when we are surrounded by people. And at the same time, we can not feel lonely when no one is around.

To understand loneliness, let's try to look at a person more deeply. Then we can understand why loneliness manifests itself in so many different ways.

Causes of loneliness

A person is a creature that, as it were, was placed into the world. The main idea of existential philosophy says that it is impossible to be human without being related to the world. To be human means fundamentally to be in the world, to be in connection with something or someone else. Without connection with otherness, it is impossible to be human.

It was in this way that Heidegger defined "being here" (existence). Heidegger often used the word Dasein instead of Person to show that I cannot be if I am not connected with You or It. To be here is to be in the world. In the world of my family, in the world of my city, in the world of my ideas and ideas. That is to say, being human is a fundamental correlation. If something does not function in this relation, then we lack something and may feel lonely.

But this connection is twofold. Martin Buber spoke about the relationship "I-Thou" and "I-It": I relate to another person, the same as me - and this is a personal relationship, or I relate to some thing, with some business ( e.g. "I'm driving a car"). That is, relationships have an outer pole, but they also have an inner pole. I also need to manage with myself, I need not just to BE in this world, but I must also be I. We have a correlation outside and a correlation with ourselves. This thought can help to understand three reasons why loneliness occurs.

First of all, loneliness is a disturbance, a breakdown in relationships. In loneliness, we worry that relationships either do not exist, or they develop incorrectly. Relations with a person mean: I am connected with this person with my feelings, I would like to experience a person in my feeling. I would like to be able to feel what drives him and what he feels.

Let's think about the relationship with your child. I would like to feel how a child experiences and lives his life. I would like to participate in this, I would like to be close to him - because through closeness I have a feeling about my child and his life.

Relationships are more than relatedness in terms of feelings. Relationships always have a beginning, but relationships never end. Relationships are forever. And it can be assumed that since I always remain connected with the person with whom I have or had a relationship, I can never be alone. All the relationships that I had with other people have been preserved in me. If I meet my ex-girlfriend after 20 years on the street, then my heart starts to beat faster - because something was, and it still continues to be in me. Everything that happens in a relationship is preserved. And I can live on that. If I experienced something good with some person, then this is a source for happiness in my later life. I can think of my mother, father, with whom I had a good relationship - and feel a warm feeling.

However, if the relationship is bad, then I don't want to remember them, I don't want to go back to the past. Then I wish it wasn't true. Then I lose contact with it. Relationships seem to be there, but they hurt me - and I turn away. And if I turn away, then the relationship in this moment no longer lives. Therefore, it may be that I will feel lonely, although I have or have had a relationship.

There is another reason why relationships can cause feelings of loneliness. What we have described so far is the outer pole of the relationship. But there is a relationship directed inward, a relationship with oneself. If I don't feel myself, if I don't have feelings, if they are muffled, then I am alone with myself. If I do not feel my body, my breath, my mood, my well-being, my fatigue, my joy, my pain - if I do not feel all this, then I am not in a relationship with myself. Then I miss a fundamental, basic part of life.

This can happen if I have had an experience that hurts - then I don't want to turn to myself. If I was offended, disappointed, deceived, if I was ridiculed, then I feel pain if I turn to myself. And this is a natural human reflex - to turn away from what causes pain and suffering. We have described it in terms of external relations, but also in internal relations I can withdraw from myself. And then I no longer feel myself, I am no longer in a relationship with myself. It can take me so far that I won't feel my body. I will feel my feelings to such a small extent that I will have psychosomatic disorders. They always indicate that you do not feel something very important. This is a signal: you should not continue to live like this, feel what hurts you so that you can process it. So that you can mourn, so that you can forgive - otherwise you will not be free. Migraine, stomach ulcers, asthma and other disorders tell me: do not continue like this. There is something very important that you must do first.

If I lose my relationship with myself, I can no longer feel myself. Or even worse, I can't have a relationship with you either.

I cannot truly experience a relationship with another if I am not capable of resonance, if there is no movement in me, because the feelings are too wounded. Or because I never really had them. If my mother never took me in her arms, if my father didn't have time for me, if I didn't have real friends, then I have a "blunted" world of feelings - a world that could not develop. Then my feelings are poor, and then I am always alone. Because I don't feel very well (or don't feel at all). Therefore, in relation to the other person, my feelings are also flat. This is the second level of relationship that leads to loneliness.

But there is also a third level, which is above the relationship level and which is also causally related to loneliness. This is the meeting level. This level is connected with the fact that I am I in a relationship. If in a relationship we can experience being together and feel the closeness of another person, then thanks to the I, another aspect is introduced that “explodes” this pleasant being together: for all our connectedness and mutual striving to meet, we realize that I am I, You are You, but I am not You. That difference, which is irremovable. It is eliminated, for example, in a symbiotic relationship, when I myself dissolve into you. But if I am I, then there is a boundary between us. Then I worry that, in principle, I am responsible only for myself, I am left alone with myself.

There is no second Alfried Lenglet in this world. Each of us is unique and unique. The way I am is unique nowhere else. And this is the basis that can potentially make us lonely in this world.

Healing from loneliness

What can help here? The other person has the same feelings, he feels the same way. If it is You who turns to me, it will help me accept loneliness. If other people look at me, in my direction, then by doing so they will let me know: "I see you. You are here." And I really am here, and not only with my feelings - I am here as a Person.

If, for example, another person is listening to me, they are directed towards me. It is not only about the fact that there is some kind of movement of feelings, but that someone is trying to understand me. And he tells me that he understands what he thinks about this. If other people are interested in what I am doing, then I see that I have done this action, and this attracts the attention of another person. That is, not only I see it, others see it too. And then it becomes reality. If others look at me that way, then they respect boundaries and differences. If I feel seen, it means that I was treated with respect.

If other people take the next step and take me seriously, leave me my own: "Yes, you baked this cake, not me," then they treat me fairly. If they listen to my comments, if they say, "What you said is important. Can you explain it further?" then these people treat me fairly. This is an even higher level than just being seen. Being seen means that I have respect for the border, I do not step on you, I do not go around you. The pinnacle of all this is the recognition of my worth. If the other says "I like it"; "I think it's important," then I get a value judgment from the other. And thus my own value takes root. I can get some criticism, but it gives me a certain edge as a Person. If others come to me, tune in to me - I'm not alone.

If all this happens when I am a child, then I can build my Self. The development of the Self is connected with meeting other people. Parents are the people who see me, who take me seriously and tell me that they appreciate me. And then the child can begin to do the same with himself.

We need to learn this. We can learn it from others, but we cannot develop it in ourselves without You. That is why Martin Buber said that I becomes I next to You. The self acquires the ability to treat itself - and then treat others in the same way. The person who survives the meeting develops abilities through which he can meet others.

We have Person - this is the source. This source itself begins to speak in us, but for this the Self must be heard. This I needs You, who will listen to him. By meeting with the other, I can go to myself. And in doing so, I have the basic experience of being a Person. I am self-confident, I have an inner life, the Person inside me speaks to my I, and through the I speaks to You and thus expresses itself. If I live out of this alignment, then I am authentic, then I really am I. And then I am no longer alone.

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Why we are lonely: 6 reasons , - the majority can ascribe such a phrase to themselves. Where does this feeling come from and why are there so many of us lonely?

Now we can answer these questions. Research by the Red Cross in the UK has shown that one in five Brits feel lonely. Other studies show that chronic loneliness is bad for health and can shorten life expectancy. Fortunately, we are now well aware of this influence.

Most people whose experiences in childhood were ignored by their parents end up feeling lonely as adults. It seems to many that there is nothing wrong with the fact that adults do not respond to the emotions of the child.

However, this upbringing deprives him of important parts of the foundation on which relationships with others are built.

The consequences of neglecting emotional needs continue to affect adulthood, creating feelings of alienation and other problems.

Reasons why you feel lonely:

1. Your family did not talk heart to heart. It happens that relatives are very good at discussing plans for the future and practical issues, but if someone is sad and hurt, family members seem to scatter. Yes, it's hard to talk about painful experiences. This needs to be learned.

And if it was not customary in your family to seriously discuss feelings, you may simply not be able to do this. And because this skill is essential for building meaningful relationships (both friendships and loves), you find it difficult to connect with others, and as a result, you suffer from loneliness.

2. Your parents criticized your feelings, and you began to shut yourself off from the experience in order to survive. As a child, you adapted to the conditions of life in the family, learning to suppress emotions so as not to burden your parents with them. But feelings are a kind of glue that binds people and allows them to build meaningful relationships. Without them, it is difficult to build those deep and lasting emotional bonds that everyone needs.

3. If your parents did not see your feelings, they would send a signal every day: “No one needs your feelings”. Since feelings are the deepest and most natural manifestation of ourselves, we hear this message in a different way: “No one needs (needs) you yourself.”

Adults whose feelings were neglected in childhood feel, deep down, that they are less important than others. They sacrifice feelings, needs, and needs for the benefit of those around them. If you consider yourself worse than others, you seem to live in a separate world.

4. Another message your subconscious was receiving: "If something is wrong with your feelings, then so is you." A person who grew up in a family where his feelings were not considered, from childhood feels deeply flawed. Because of this, he is afraid to open up to others, because he is afraid that they will see his insignificance.

Therefore, he maintains a "safe" relationship, but they do not bring satisfaction

5. You tried all the time to ask your parents for emotional help, which is completely natural, but you did not receive it. Now, as an adult, you are afraid to seek emotional support from others. You are afraid to experience disappointment or rejection, so you rely only on yourself. Your motto is "I can do it myself." But being afraid to ask for help, you isolate yourself from others and, again, feel lonely.

6. You find it difficult to explain to loved ones that your emotional needs were neglected as a child. Because of this, you may feel that only you have suffered from such problems and no one can understand you.

But you are not alone. In fact, countless people are experiencing the same thing. Most of them seem to be healthy, resilient people. You meet them in the store, in the office, even at the festive table.

Learning to take care of your emotions is essential. After all, then you yourself will be able to give yourself that love and affection that was not enough in childhood. Once you decide to take this path, there will be no going back. Life will become richer, relationships will begin to bring joy, and your suffering from loneliness will end!

Text: Nikolay Protsenko Photo Source: Getty Images

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