Emotional avoidance in relationships

Symptoms, signs, causes, and more

Avoidant attachment is an attachment style that develops during early childhood. It tends to occur in children who do not experience sensitive responses to their needs or distress. Children with an avoidant attachment style may become very independent, both physically and emotionally.

An attachment style is the pattern of behaviors a person exhibits in response to relationships and bonds. Attachment styles are part of attachment theory in psychology, which John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth developed.

Developing an avoidant attachment style as a child can lead to difficulties forming close relationships as an adult.

This article covers what avoidant attachment is and its causes and treatment options.

Avoidant attachment is one of three attachment styles that Mary Ainsworth and Barbara Wittig developed in 1970. Mary Main and Judith Solomon added the fourth attachment style in 1990.

The four attachment styles are:

Secure

Secure attachment develops in children with a parent or caregiver who is sensitive and responsive to their needs. Securely attached children have confidence that a parent or caregiver will be available to meet their needs and give them comfort when they are distressed.

Avoidant, or insecure-avoidant

Avoidant attachment develops in children who do not experience sensitive responses from a parent or caregiver to their needs or distress. Children with avoidant attachment may become very independent, both physically and emotionally.

Anxious, or insecure-anxious

Children with anxious attachment do not have consistent responses to their needs from a parent or caregiver. Children with anxious attachment may be clingy around their caregiver while insecure in themselves or in their interactions with others.

Disorganized, or fearful

Disorganized attachment occurs when a child wants love and care from their parent or caregiver but is also afraid of them. Disorganized attachment can develop if a parent or caregiver responds to a child seeking comfort by ignoring, yelling at, or punishing them in some way.

Strange situation procedure

In the 1970s, Mary Ainsworth did an experiment called the “strange situation procedure.” In this experiment, parents or caregivers left the room as their child played with a trained observer nearby. The researchers observed and documented the child’s response to their parent or caregiver leaving the room.

Children with a secure attachment style would cry when their parent or caregiver left the room but go to them and quickly become soothed on their return.

Children with an avoidant attachment style would be calm when their parent or caregiver left the room. Once they returned, the child would avoid or resist having contact with them.

However, despite these observable reactions, other psychological tests showed that the children with avoidant attachment were just as distressed as the other children by their parent’s or caregiver’s absence.

Infants and children generally need to form a close bond with their parent or caregiver. The repeated rejection of attempts to form this secure attachment may result in a child learning to suppress their desire for comfort when distressed or upset.

Avoidant attachment develops when an infant or young child has a parent or caregiver who is consistently emotionally unavailable or unresponsive to their needs. Infants with an avoidant attachment style may also have faced repeated discouragement from crying or expressing outward emotion.

The parent or caregiver of a child who has avoidant attachment may:

lack knowledge on how to support their child
lack empathy
feel overwhelmed by parenting responsibilities
not have developed a sense of commitment
have an avoidant attachment style themselves

Children with avoidant attachment may also disconnect from their own needs and feelings. These children may learn to self-soothe and feel as though they can only rely on themselves. As a result, they have little motivation or trust to seek help or support from others.

A child with an avoidant attachment style may show no outward display of desire for closeness, affection, or love. However, internally, the child will feel the same stress and anxiety responses as a child with secure attachment when they are in stressful situations.

These children may also want to be near their primary caregiver but not interact with them. They may also reject physical contact with their caregiver.

Attachment styles and their associated behaviors can last into adulthood. As an adult, a person with an avoidant attachment style may experience the following:

avoiding emotional closeness in relationships
feeling as though their partners are being clingy when they simply want to get emotionally closer
withdrawing and coping with difficult situations alone
suppressing emotions
avoiding complaining, preferring to sulk or hint at what is wrong
suppressing negative memories
withdrawing, or tuning out, from unpleasant conversations or sights
fearing rejection
having a strong sense of independence
having feelings of high self-esteem while having a negative view of others
being overly focused on their own needs and comforts

Avoidant attachment can also affect older adults. A study from Hong Kong found that in older married couples, a male partner with an avoidant attachment style experienced more detrimental effects on their well-being than a female partner.

Learn more about attachment disorders in adults here.

A parent or caregiver can prevent their child from developing an avoidant attachment style by being sensitive to their needs and feelings while encouraging them to express their wants and emotions. It is also important for a person to let their child know that they are safe and cared for through both actions and words.

A parent or caregiver should also be mindful to avoid making their child feel ashamed if they make a mistake or are afraid. Instead, they should soothe and comfort their child as often as possible when they are distressed or scared.

If a parent or caregiver finds that they are struggling with parenting and suspects that they may not consistently be meeting the emotional needs of their child, they should seek help from a mental health professional who specializes in working with people with these issues.

Anyone with concerns about how their child is developing, including their attachment style, may also find speaking with a pediatrician or child psychologist helpful.

Therapy or counseling can be beneficial for both a child with an avoidant attachment style and their parent or caregiver.

A therapist can help the parent or caregiver understand how their behavior may be affecting their child and guide them toward new ways of interacting with the child and responding to their needs. A therapist can also work with the child to help them form a healthier bond with their parent or caregiver.

An adult with avoidant attachment may also benefit from therapy. The therapist or counselor can help the person understand how their parents or caregivers responded to their needs during childhood and how this may be shaping their current emotions or behavior. The therapist can then suggest methods to help the person overcome any negative behaviors or feelings.

Learn about different types of therapy here.

Avoidant attachment is one of four attachment styles that develop during childhood. Avoidant attachment occurs when an infant or child does not consistently receive the care and attention that they need to develop a healthy relationship with their parent or caregiver.

An avoidant attachment style may cause a child to hide their feelings and become emotionally distant from their parent or caregiver. However, the child still desires to be close to that person and experiences inner distress when they are apart.

Adults with avoidant attachment may struggle to establish close relationships as a result of being very independent and unlikely to look to others for support or help.

A person who is concerned that they or their child may have avoidant attachment should speak to a therapist or doctor.

16 Signs of an Avoidant or Unavailable Partner

Intimate relationships require balancing closeness and distance, interdependence and autonomy. Healthier relationships flow between these poles with both partners seeking either side of the spectrum at various times.

However, when one partner consistently takes a position of distancing and autonomy, intimacy can suffer or become non-existent.

Here are 16 characteristics to look for that can help you recognize avoidant or unavailable partners:

1) Commitment shy

Avoidant partners may avoid making long-term plans or talking about the future of your relationship. They may be vague or non-committal when asked what they want. When you propose a trip or activity that could bring you closer, they may say something such as, That might be nice, but avoid moving ahead. They may have a history of being the one who ends relationships and of preemptively leaving partners for fear of being left.

2) Not fully invested in the present

Avoidant partners may idealize a previous relationship. They may hold on to fantasies about a past lover in a way that makes a past relationship feel somehow unfinished, unresolved, or still alive in the present, making them less emotionally available to you.

3) Buzz kills

They may sabotage a relationship when things are going well by becoming childish, angry, sullen or picky. The closer you start to feel to them or the more you desire a deeper commitment, the more they may pull back, expressing a wish to see other people or becoming less communicative.

4) Buzz words

Avoidant partners tend to talk more about independence rather than closeness, freedom rather than intimacy, and self-reliance rather than interdependence. They fear clingy people or being seen as clingy themselves.

5) Philosophy

Avoidant or unavailable partners tend to believe they can only depend on themselves. In a crisis, they often put up walls and want to handle things on their own. Their motto: Im all Ive got.

6) Suspiciousness

Avoidant partners may find it difficult to trust others. They may view you in negative ways or see your actions in the worst possible light, suspecting that you are out to take advantage of them or restrict their freedom.

7) Mixed messages

Avoidant partners maintain distance by sending mixed signals, sometimes drawing you in with bids for closeness, other times pushing you away. They may say one thing but do another, such as telling you they want to spend more time together but then cramming their schedule with other commitments.

8) Secretive

Avoidant partners often prefer to make decisions on their own even decisions that affect you. They may decide things about finances, career, travel or other plans and tell you only after it is too late to change. They tend to prefer solo rather than collaborative planning and decision-making.

9) Limited affection

They may be stingy with physical affection or show physical affection only during sex. Their libido may diminish the closer you get or the deeper the relationship grows. They may say I love you sparingly or without much feeling.

10) Lots of conditions

They may have rigid rules, find it difficult to be flexible, or let you know that certain things such as their job, freedom, or family of originare higher priorities than you and your relationship. They may set in stone some condition at the start of a relationship, for example, saying something like, I am not the marrying type, or I will never give up my freedom for anything or anyone, or I could never imagine living with someone.

11) Distancing

They may stonewall when you want to address relationship issues. They may detach or threaten to leave if your feelings (or theirs) become too intense.

12) Picky

Avoidant partners may be quick to find fault with you. They may have a checklist of near-impossible standards in a partner, ensuring that no one can measure up. They may focus on what is not working or what could become a problem rather than embracing the positives in your relationship, thus dampening feelings and slowing a relationships growth.

13) Limited communication

They may want to limit conversations or daily contact, often bristling at suggestions that they text or call when they are out for the evening, traveling, running late or at the end of the day. They may become overwhelmed when you want to talk about the relationship.

14) Not feeling-friendly

Avoidant partners may fail to acknowledge your feelings or rarely express their own emotions. They may not know how to handle emotional conversations or issues. If you have an emotional response, they may tell you it makes no sense or try to reason you out of your feelings. They may call you too sensitive.

15) Standoffish

It may seem like there is always something more important than you or the relationship. They may fantasize about or dwell on how much more freedom they had when they were single. They may say it is much easier to be alone, as they can make their own decisions and answer to no one.

16) Abandoning

When you most need them, avoidant partners may find ways not to be there. They may say you are the cause of any relationship issues. They may find it difficult to see their own part in problems.

People have an avoidant style or are unavailable for many reasons. Often, an avoidant stance stems from repeated experiences early in life where they felt dismissed, pressured, taken advantage of, or not valued by one or more key caregivers.

At their core, avoidant partners tend to believe that no one will ever meet their needs. They expect that others do not want them to thrive or will not allow them to be themselves. They also may fear that they cannot measure up to what others want. In response, they wall themselves off for protection.

While we can have empathy for early-life wounds that led someone to an avoidant style, if you are in a relationship with an avoidant or unavailable partner, these distancing techniques may leave you with many of the following difficult emotions, such as feeling:

Not valued
Emotionally deprived
Unimportant
Unable to truly connect
Held at arms length
Confused
Not good enough
Tentative
As though you are doing something wrong
Lonely
Abandoned

Such feelings, if experienced too often or too intensely, may ultimately make a relationship non-sustainable.

Read Part Two of this blog to learn ways you can work with an avoidant partner to increase cooperation, communication and closeness.

Copyright Dan Neuharth PhD MFT

what is counter-dependence and how to deal with it - T&P

True intimacy always involves great risk. This is her paradox: having close emotional ties is necessary for happiness, but no one can guarantee that one of them will not cause severe pain. Sometimes it seems that too strong a feeling can absorb the personality of a lover, and sometimes we are paralyzed by the fear of being too dependent or losing someone who has become so dear. These doubts are quite normal as long as they do not interfere with building a fulfilling relationship - but in some cases they seize power over a person's life, forcing him to avoid strong feelings and attachments again and again. "Theories and Practices" talks about how counter-dependence arises and whether it can be overcome.

Subscriber is temporarily unavailable

Many stories of complex relationships involve a mysterious and controversial hero (or heroine). Such people make a good impression and show genuine sympathy for those who really hooked them, but when it comes to genuine emotional intimacy, yesterday's tender friend turns into a cold and aloof creature, seeking to increase the distance and refusing to recognize the importance of an already established relationship. He does not want to talk about personal topics and spends a lot of free time on activities and hobbies that are in no way connected with a partner, openly flirts with someone on the side, and in the most difficult cases, even avoids touching. Something obviously went wrong, but why and at what point?

Usually, the partners of such characters tend to look for the cause in themselves, but most likely, this problem began long before they met. In one of the past educational programs, we already talked about codependency. Codependency is a violation of attachment, in which a person fixates on a partner and makes him the center of the universe. The ability to enter into close relationships with other people and at the same time remain self-sufficient, ensuring healthy social behavior in the future, is formed in early childhood - in the process of transition from psychological merging with the mother in infancy to separation from her at the age of 2-3 years. And if during this period the child receives a psychological trauma, these mechanisms can give a serious failure, which will also manifest itself in adulthood.

It is logical to assume that if there is one extreme - co-dependent people who lack self-sufficiency, there is another - those who have difficulty entering into close relationships. This type of disorder is commonly referred to as counterdependency or avoidance addiction. But it is worth remembering that attachment disorders are precisely a spectrum with different shades and degrees of manifestation of violations. There is no need to perceive codependence and counterdependence as a black and white dichotomy without nuances.

Angelina Chekalina,

Candidate of Psychological Sciences, Senior Researcher, Department of Personality Psychology, Faculty of Psychology, Moscow State University

I have terrible resistance to the very term “counterdependence” — as if with its help they took and balanced the other pole of “dependence”. And it turned out such a bipolar construct, on the one hand of which there is a complete merger and complete avoidance of intimacy - on the other, with a set of opposite behavioral manifestations. For example, according to the Weinholds, co-dependent behavior manifests itself in “vulnerability and vulnerability”, while counter-dependent behavior manifests itself in “strength and firmness”. And this classification raises a lot of questions for me. Indeed, in existential psychology and psychotherapy, the strength of the spirit is precisely expressed in the ability to accept one's weakness, one's imperfection, one's own capabilities and limitations.

At the heart of the desire to merge (co-dependent relationship) and to avoid intimacy is the same feeling - a person feels very vulnerable, he constantly feels threatened. Only this sense of threat is about different things. In the case of a co-dependent relationship, a person feels vulnerable, being alone with himself, he needs someone nearby to identify himself through the relationship. In fact, another person is needed in the function of a mirror in which one can reflect and understand "I am, I am good." Or, conversely, "I exist, but I'm bad."

In the case of counter-dependent relationships, there is another kind of vulnerability — the fear of being rejected, the fear of coming close and getting burned. Which, quite possibly, happened more than once in different relationships. It's really very scary - to come close to what threatens again. Can this be called strength and firmness? In my understanding, no. And it's also about giving up on yourself.

You can also look at the renunciation of one's own life in various forms from a slightly different angle. Living in the interests and needs of other people (or going to work) is sometimes an unconscious flight from getting closer to yourself. When you start to get closer to yourself, then a lot of emotions appear on the surface due to past traumatic experiences that are not experienced and repressed. There is no way to make it not hurt, both then and now. And so I want it not to hurt! And then any of these forms of behavior can be suitable for avoiding pain - either living in fusion or fleeing from intimacy.

What must happen in order for a person to show pronounced signs of counter-dependence by a conscious age? There is no single answer to this question, but different options are possible. The first is overly controlling parents who do not allow the baby to gain the desired independence. As a result, the child begins to associate close relationships with lack of freedom, pressure and fear of losing himself and "fixes" on defending his own independence. He continues to follow this model in adult relationships.

The second option is the opposite: the separation from the mother, on the contrary, happened too early, before the child was ready for it. Or he simply did not receive warmth and attention from one of the parents (or both). In this case, the relationship is associated with the pain of loss and possible rejection. This means that it is better not to become attached to anyone or leave your dear person first, before he rejects you himself. “As our clinical studies have shown,” write psychologists Berry and Janey Weinhold in the book “Escape from Intimacy”, currently the most famous foreign work on the topic of counterdependence, “the most common cause of codependency and counterdependence is developmental trauma, caused by barely a discernible disruption in the bond between parent and child, which implies a lack or absence of emotional attunement. If this disunity is not identified and overcome, a habit of isolation and indifference develops, which can have a serious impact on attitudes towards intimacy in adulthood.

Some psychologists also believe that the problem may be in the excessively emotional and unpredictable behavior of parents (most often, mothers; problems associated with counterdependence occur more often in men) - the child gets the impression that feelings and emotions always lead to dangerous chaos, so it's better to control them.

In addition, modern society encourages counter-dependency behavior—individuality is highly valued, young people learn to be (or at least look like) self-sufficient, strong and reserved, and are often embarrassed to show vulnerability or admit that they need someone. In relationships, personal comfort becomes a priority, and serial monogamy seems to many to be a more viable option than the traditional family model.

In any case, nothing human is alien to avoidance addicts — deep down they are also afraid of loneliness. But they realize this fear much worse than their own fear of intimacy. And even more so, they do not understand its causes, which grow from childhood, because children always believe that their parents act from the best of intentions and tend to justify or displace negative experiences from memory.

Running in circles

Since people with counterdependence find it difficult to fulfill themselves in close relationships, they invest their energy with a vengeance in other areas of life (career or hobbies) and strive to make a good impression on those around them. It's hard to see the catch - at the initial stage of the relationship, the avoidant addict is really fascinated by his partner and tries very hard to please him. The problem arises later, when it is discovered that the person with attachment disorders is equally sincere in wanting to spend time together, looking at the stars and talking about everything in the world, and in the desire to escape or push the companion later, when everything goes too far.

"Too far" is a relative concept, and it is impossible to attach some formal milestone to it, such as a third date, getting to know your parents, or renting a house together. “Too far” for one may be where true intimacy has not yet begun for another. Someone may even get married, but even there maintain a certain emotional distance, while someone starts having an anxiety attack already in the second week of the relationship. The only criterion - and it is very subjective - at a certain stage, the counter-dependent person ceases to feel safe. This may be due to some real pressure from the partner - for example, the requirement to finally determine the status of the relationship. But not necessarily: in order to one day wake up in a cold sweat, it is enough for some to feel a little less self-sufficient than before. Too passionate a look, too sincere conversation, too sorry to part after a weekend spent together - and now you have one foot in the trap of feelings, which, as your subconscious mind tells you, will bring nothing but suffering. Therefore, it is better to assert your boundaries by pushing the satellite right now, before everything leads to disaster. Consciously, this whole logical chain, most often, is not tracked - a person feels inexplicable discomfort (violation of personal integrity, loss of himself, lack of freedom, feeling that someone absorbs his energy) and tries to somehow rationalize it, without getting to the bottom of the true essence of things .

For a partner, this is all the more painful, the less he was intrusive in reality - few people want to feel like an annoying admirer. A person prone to reflection will begin to doubt at this moment: “Have I made some mistake? Was I really too pushy?" Then everything depends on the readiness to fight for the obstinate object of feelings. Codependent people are drawn into such relationships more often because periodic rejection from a partner does not stop them - it answers their own unconscious fear of intimacy. As a result, the relationship turns into a cyclical process: feeling threatened, the counter-addict pushes the partner away, but, having run back to a safe distance, begins to miss him again. It’s hard for the partner, but, having again believed in his need, he returns - with the hope that he will no longer be pushed away.

But at the same time, it is wrong to assume that co-dependent and counter-dependent people are bound to be together as a pair of opposites. There are cases when the same person in different respects shows the traits of either co-dependence or counter-dependence. Sometimes two people with codependency tend to enter into a relationship and one begins to overwhelm the other so much that he begins to learn to assert his personal space. Or a couple of independent and self-sufficient ones can organize a strong alliance, not burdened by excessive emotional closeness. In general, there are no universal scenarios and rigidly fixed constructions - although the well-known psychiatrist, the founder of modern addictology, Cesar Korolenko, noted in his works that love addicts and avoidance addicts are most often attracted to each other, regarding other people as "uninteresting".

The distance necessary for a person with counterdependence can be built in different ways. As a rule, he does not really like to talk about feelings - suddenly showing tenderness, he either withdraws into himself again, or hurries to reduce the degree of sentimentality with some sarcastic remark. In addition, he tries not to reveal himself too much in communication on other topics. He specifically limits the time spent with a significant person, and seeks to fill his life with various activities and hobbies, which, in which case, can distract him from too strong affection. Such people can cheat on a partner that suits them only in order to maintain "inner freedom" and feel the possibility of choice.

It is important to understand here that, unlike other "problematic lovers" - for example, perverted narcissists - a person with a counterdependence is not going to coolly play with someone else's feelings in order to amuse his ego. Although it is pleasant for him (like any normal person) to feel needed and loved, the constant pendulum "closer-further" for him is a forced attempt to sit on two chairs: not to lose someone who has already become dear, and at the same time not to fall into a frightening meat grinder uncontrollable feelings. But with some work on oneself (not without the help of a psychotherapist) and support from loved ones, the avoidance addict has a chance to correct the situation.

Possible Solutions

Being a serious problem, counterdependence is not an officially recognized mental disorder. The psychotherapist may assume that the patient has this problem, based on his own testimony or the testimony of his relatives. Here are the main signs of violation, compiled by psychologists Berry and Janey Weinhold:

• difficulties in getting close to people and maintaining closeness in intimate relationships

• tendency after the breakup of relationships to consider former partners bad or vicious

• Difficulties in handling feelings (other than anger and frustration)

• Fear of being controlled by others

• Habit of saying no to new ideas proposed by others

• Resisting intimacy attempts and feelings of anxiety in close relationships

• constant fear of making a mistake, desire to be perfect and demanding the same from others

• refusal to help, even if it is really needed

• fear that other people will turn away from you if you show your weaknesses and fears

• workaholism or being overly busy with hobbies, recreational activities, or other activities.

What should you do if you find counter-dependency traits in your partner and you think that this negatively affects the relationship? First, do not rely too much on self-diagnosis - before labeling, it is better to consult a family therapist. Secondly, you should honestly tell yourself what you want from this relationship. And if the current state of affairs does not suit you, you should not put up with it. A common advice on the Web is to try to keep the "elusive" by giving the impression that you do not claim anything and do not belong entirely to him. Emphasize your boundaries in every possible way, restrain sentimental impulses and live your busy life, limiting the number of meetings and manifestations of affection. Formally, these techniques are likely to work - the counter-addict has fewer reasons to run away from such a partner. But it is worth considering how long you can withstand such a game and what is the point of a relationship if you keep it this way.

Even if you believe that the person is "yours" and everything can work out, both should participate in saving the relationship - the partner should begin to realize the problem and agree to work on it. In this case, joint sessions with a psychotherapist can give a good result. If a partner refuses to admit that something is wrong with him, your single-handed efforts are unlikely to lead to a happy ending.

For those who come across a counter-dependent partner more than once, or in general you meet such characters with enviable regularity, it makes sense to go to a psychotherapist and figure it out with yourself - why do you like just such people?

Angelina Chekalina,

Candidate of Psychological Sciences, Senior Researcher, Department of Personality Psychology, Faculty of Psychology, Moscow State University

If we proceed from the fact that counterdependence is the impossibility for various reasons to be in close relationships, then such relationships will end. And sooner rather than later. If the question is about what I can do for another, the answer is nothing. Whatever you do, it will still not be the same. If the question is about what I can do for myself, then you should first ask yourself an unpleasant, but very honest question: “What keeps me close to a person with whom I don’t like relationships?” And look for an answer to it. And it is not so important what the problem of the person with whom you are in a relationship is, whether he is a narcissist, does not know how to be close, an alcoholic ... Here, your feelings and your conscious decision should come first, whether to continue or not to continue this relationship.

Avoidance of intimacy, or How do you live without encountering reality?

What do we know about brothers, about friends,
What do we know about our only one,
And about his own father,
We, knowing everything, know nothing...

E. Evtushenko

Talking about intimacy is both easy and difficult at the same time. Easy, because the topic is familiar to everyone. It is difficult, because everyone has their own understanding of what it is. This article is about how we manage to live and build relationships without meeting the real ourselves and real others.

It is important to note that the capacity for close relationships is one of the basic criteria for mental health. A person needs intimacy and other things. This is an axiom. This is a basic human need.

People both strive for intimacy and avoid it. It attracts and frightens, heals and hurts. It's hard to stay close. This phenomenon was well illustrated in the famous parable about porcupines by Arthur Schopenhauer.

One cold winter day, a herd of porcupines lay down in a tight heap in order to keep warm. However, they soon felt pricks from each other's needles, which forced them to lie away from each other. Then, when the need for warmth again forced them to move closer, they again fell into their former unpleasant situation, so that they tossed from one sad extreme to another until they lay down at a moderate distance from each other, at which they could most comfortably endure the cold.

We all experience intimacy in early childhood. The most important factor for the formation of a secure attachment in childhood is the emotional availability of the mother, her sensitivity, the ability to respond to the signals of the baby, establish visual, bodily and emotional contact with him, help to live the strong emotions of the child. The personal qualities of a mother are also of great importance - self-confidence and the correctness of one's own actions (as well as the ability not to lose this confidence in difficult situations), trust in oneself and people, the ability to regulate one's condition, set priorities, build relationships.

The main reason leading to the avoidance of intimacy is the negative experience of such relationships with significant figures (parents or their substitutes) in early childhood. If the early experience of relationships was too traumatic, then repeated relationships in adulthood can lead to the reproduction of past traumas. And then the person becomes a hostage of his unconscious needs and periodically reproduces the traumas experienced in his life.

The difficulty lies in the fact that, firstly, we do not always realize that our relationships with others are "unhealthy", devoid of sincerity and feelings. And secondly, very few choose to change something in their lives.

In my opinion, the key to the ability to experience intimacy is the following factors:
• Sensitivity and attentiveness to oneself. Awareness of what I feel, what I want. If you were brought up by ordinary parents who were not puzzled by the study of child psychology, then, for sure, they tried to make you an obedient and comfortable child. You were forbidden to show your negative feelings. You were told how to behave properly. Over time, you have learned to restrain the "wrong" feelings and demonstrate the appropriate ones. And one day they lost contact with themselves. Under a huge layer of masks, it became impossible to find the real one. A prestigious job and a successful life by any measure will not replace the ability to feel real.
• Sensitivity and attentiveness to the other. We are all busy with ourselves most of the time. How we look, what they think, say, how they evaluate, perceive others. Do we often think about what is in the soul of the interlocutor now? Why does he do or not do something? In what emotional state? What does he want at the moment? What is important to him? Often we communicate not with a real person, but with his image in our head. They thought of something, misunderstood something, dreamed about something and came up with something for themselves. As a result, true intimacy is out of the question. There are just two astronauts in heavy space suits who don't really see or hear each other.
• Presence of clear boundaries between me and the Other. Oh, how difficult it is. How often do we bend over and do what we don’t want to do, in order to present later - here I am for you ... but you can’t even ... And who is to blame that you can’t not do what you don’t want to do? Who forces you to do “what is best”, without specifying, but how is it actually better for another? When you are in contact with yourself and understand everything about yourself, when you are able to listen and hear the interlocutor, it becomes easier to negotiate. It is the ability to speak and respect the decisions of one's own and the other that makes it possible to feel warmth without painful needle pricks.

I remember from childhood - a fairy tale quickly affects, but things are not done quickly. However, the awareness of the described mechanisms and the unwillingness to live in the old way can pour gunpowder into the powder flasks of your enthusiasm to change your life. You need to start, of course, with yourself. As often as possible, ask yourself the question: how do I feel right now? For some, at the beginning of this path, it is not even possible to identify the feeling. Keep listening to yourself. Gradually, through resentment, guilt, shame, fears, the acceptance of the present self, allowing oneself to be oneself, will come through. And there, to proximity with the other is within easy reach. In some cases, it is worth seeking help from a professional psychologist. This is where individual or group work can help. Some painful experiences of the past cannot be overcome alone. On the way to awareness and acceptance of oneself, one can stir up psychological traumas that were securely hidden in the area of the unconscious by the protective mechanisms of the psyche. In such cases, the help of a professional is indispensable.

Learn more