Consequences of low self esteem

CMHC Self Esteem

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What is Self-Esteem?
Poor vs. Healthy Self-Esteem
Where Does Self-Esteem Come From?
What Does Your "Inner Voice" Say?
Three Faces of Low Self-Esteem
Consequences of Low Self-Esteem
Three Steps to Improved Self-Esteem
Further Resources for Improving Self-Esteem

What is Self-Esteem?

Most people's thoughts and feelings about themselves fluctuate somewhat based on their daily experiences. The grade you get on an exam, how your friends treat you, ups and downs in a romantic relationship can all have a temporary impact on how you feel about yourself.

Your self-esteem, however, is something more fundamental than the normal ups and downs associated with situational changes. For people with good self-esteem, normal ups and downs may lead to temporary fluctuations in how they feel about themselves, but only to a limited extent. In contrast, for people with poor self-esteem, these ups and downs drastically impact the way they see themselves.

Poor vs. Healthy Self-Esteem

People with poor self-esteem often rely on how they are doing in the present to determine how they feel about themselves. They need positive external experiences (e.g., compliments from friends) to counteract the negative feelings and thoughts that constantly plague them. Even then, the good feeling (such as from a good grade or compliment) is usually temporary.

Healthy self-esteem is based on our ability to assess ourselves accurately and still be accepting of who we are. This means being able to acknowledge our strengths and weaknesses (we all have them!) and at the same time recognize that we are worthy and worthwhile.

Where Does Self-Esteem Come From?

Our self-esteem evolves throughout our lives as we develop an image of ourselves through our experiences with different people and activities. Experiences during childhood play a particularly large role in the shaping of self-esteem. When we were growing up, our successes, failures, and how we were treated by our family, teachers, coaches, religious authorities, and peers, all contributed to the creation of our self-esteem.

Childhood experiences that contribute to healthy self-esteem include:

Being listened to
Being spoken to respectfully
Getting appropriate attention and affection
Having accomplishments be recognized and mistakes or failures be acknowledged and accepted

Childhood experiences that may lead to low self-esteem include:

Being harshly criticized
Being physically, sexually, or emotionally abused
Being ignored, ridiculed, or teased
Being expected to be perfect all the time. People with low self-esteem were often given messagesfrom parents, teachers, peers, or othersthat failed experiences (losing a game, getting a poor grade, etc. ) were failures of their whole self

What Does Your "Inner Voice" Say?

Our past experiences, even the things we don't usually think about, continue to impact our daily life in the form of an "inner voice." Although most people do not hear this voice in the same way they would a spoken one, it acts in a similar way, continuously repeating childhood messages to us.

For people with healthy self-esteem, the messages of the inner voice are usually accepting and reassuring. For people with low self-esteem, the inner voice becomes a harsh critic, punishing one's mistakes and belittling one's accomplishments.

Three Faces of Low Self-Esteem

Low self-esteem is not always easy to recognize. Here are three common faces that low self-esteem may wear:

The Imposter: acts happy and successful, but is really terrified of failure. Lives with the constant fear that she or he will be found out. Needs continuous successes to maintain the mask of positive self-esteem, which may lead to problems with perfectionism, procrastination, competition, and burn-out.
The Rebel: acts like the opinions or good will of othersespecially people who are important or powerfuldon't matter. Lives with constant anger about not feeling good enough. Continuously needs to prove that others' judgments and criticisms don't hurt, which may lead to problems like blaming others excessively, breaking rules or laws, or opposing authority.
The Victim: acts helpless and unable to cope with the world and waits for someone to come to the rescue. Uses self-pity or indifference as a shield against fear of taking responsibility for changing his or her life. Looks repeatedly to others for guidance, which can lead to such problems as unassertiveness, underachievement, and excessive reliance on others in relationships.

Consequences of Low Self-Esteem

Low self-esteem can have devastating consequences. It can:

create anxiety, stress, loneliness, and increased likelihood of depression
cause problems with friendships and romantic relationships

seriously impair academic and job performance
lead to increased vulnerability to drug and alcohol abuse

Worst of all, these negative consequences themselves reinforce the negative self-image and can take a person into a downward spiral of lower and lower self-esteem and increasingly unproductive or even actively self-destructive behavior.

Three Steps to Improved Self-Esteem

Change doesn't necessarily happen quickly or easily, but it can happen. You are not powerless! Once you have accepted, or are at least willing to entertain the possibility that you can change, there are three steps you can take to begin to improve the way you feel about yourself:

Step 1: Rebut the Inner Critic

The first important step in improving self-esteem is to begin to challenge the negative messages of the critical inner voice. Here are some typical examples of the inner critic and some strategies to rebut that critical voice.

Unfairly harsh inner critic: "People said they liked my presentation, but it was nowhere near as good as it should have been. I can't believe no-one noticed all the places I messed up. I'm such an imposter." Acknowledge strengths: "Wow, they really liked it! Maybe it wasn't perfect, but I worked hard on that presentation and did a good job. I'm proud of myself."
An inner voice that generalizes unrealistically: "I got an F on the test. I don't understand anything in this class. I'm such an idiot. Who am I fooling? I shouldn't be taking this class. I'm stupid, and I don't belong in college." Be specific: "I did poorly on this test, but I've done O.K. on all the homework. There are some things here that I don't understand as well as I thought I did, but now I have a better idea of how to prepare and what I need to work on. I've done fine in other tough classes; I'm confident I can do this. "
An inner critic that makes illogic leaps: "He's frowning. He didn't say anything, but I know it means that he doesn't like me!"
Challenge illogic: "O.K., he's frowning, but I don't know why. It could have nothing to do with me. Maybe I should ask."
An inner voice that catastrophizes: "She turned me down for a date! I'm so embarrassed and humiliated. No one likes or cares about me. I'll never find a girlfriend. I'll always be alone." Be objective: "Ouch! That hurt. Ok, she doesn't want to go out with me. That doesn't mean no one does. I know I'm a nice person. I'm confident that in time I'll find someone who's as interested in me as I am in her."

Step 2: Practice Self-Compassion

Rebutting your critical inner voice is an important first step, but it is not enough. Practicing self-compassion (hyperlink self compassion to http://www.self-compassion.org/) means treating yourself with the same empathy you would show others. If a friend were having a hard time, you'd be likely to be extra caring and supportive. You deserve the same treatment! Rather than focusing on evaluating yourself, instead you can acknowledge when things are difficult and try to nurture and care for yourself in these times especially. For example:

Forgive yourself when you don't do all you'd hoped. Try to be gentle with yourself rather than critical of yourself when things don't go as you had hoped. This can be surprisingly hard if you are not used to doing it, but recognizing that such experiences are inevitable can help.
Recognize your humanness. As humans we all make mistakes, and we are all impacted by external factors that we can't control. Accepting our "humanness" helps us to feel more connected to others rather than feeling we are enduring these types of experiences all alone. Recognizing that mistakes are an inevitable part of being human helps us to be more compassionate with ourselves and others.
Be mindful of your emotions. If you do feel upset about a situation, try to allow yourself to experience that emotion in a balanced way, without suppressing it or getting completely swept up in the feeling. When practicing mindfulness, try not to judge yourself for having negative emotions. If you can remember that emotions come and go and eventually pass, it will help you to not become overwhelmed by your feelings.

Step 3: Get Help from Others

Getting help from others is often the most important step a person can take to improve his or her self-esteem, but it can also be the most difficult. People with low self-esteem often don't ask for help because they feel they don't deserve it, but other people can help to challenge the critical messages that come from negative past experiences. Here are some ways to reach out to others:

Ask for support from friends. Ask friends to tell you what they like about you or think you do well. Ask someone who cares about you to just listen to you vent for a little while without trying to fix things. Ask for a hug. Ask someone who loves you to remind you that they do.
Get help from teachers & other helpers. Go to professors, advisors, or tutors to ask for help in classes if you need it. Remember: they are there to help you learn! If you lack self-confidence in certain areas, take classes or try out new activities to increase your sense of competence. For example, take a math class, join a dance club, take swimming lessons, etc.

Talk to a therapist or counselor. Sometimes low self-esteem can feel so painful or difficult to overcome that the professional help of a therapist or counselor is needed. Talking to a counselor is a good way to explore these feelings and begin to improve your self-esteem.

Reading Materials

Self-Esteem: A Proven Program of Cognitive Techniques for Assessing, Improving and Maintaining Your Self-Esteem by McKay, Matthew and Patrick Fanning. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications, 2000.

Born to Win: Transactional Analysis with Gestalt Experiments by James, Muriel and Dorothy Jongeward. Perseus Press, 1996.

Learned Optimism: How to Change Your Mind and Your Life by Martin Seligman. New York: Pocket Books, 1998.

The Mindful Path to Self-Compassion: Freeing Yourself from Destructive Thoughts and Emotions by C.K. Germer. New York: Guilford Press, 2009.

Self Compassion: Stop Beating Yourself Up and Leave Insecurities Behind by Kristen Neff. Harper Collins, 2011

Websites

http://www.self-compassion.org/

Where can I find help?

UT's Counseling & Mental Health Center (CMHC)
Call 512-471-3515 for information on setting up an appointment with a counselor.
CMHC also offers the CMHC Crisis Line: 512-471-CALL for a telephone counselor.

How Does Low Self-Esteem Negatively Affect You?

We live in a world where there is an epidemic of low self-esteem. It affects almost every aspect of our lives, from how we think about ourselves to the way we think about or react to life situations.

When negative influences and thoughts are prevalent — generated either from within ourselves or through others — it adversely affects the way we feel about ourselves. It also affects the experiences we have in our lives.

Over time this can lead to low self-esteem which can reduce the quality of a person’s life in many different ways. Unchecked, low self-esteem may even lead to mental health issues such as anxiety and depression, sometimes with tragic results.

But what causes low self-esteem? There are many and varied reasons, but according to clinical psychologist Dr. Lars Madsen it’s frequently traced to abusive or dysfunctional early years, the effects of which can persist well into adulthood. It can also be attributed to ongoing stressful life events (e. g., relationship breakdowns; financial troubles; poor treatment from a partner, parent or carer; being bullied; or being in an abusive relationship).

We all know our lives are full of challenges and triumphs, of ups and downs. In today’s world we are only too aware there are many stressors that can cause us to doubt ourselves. And, as doubt creeps into our minds, “I can’t do that” or “I will never overcome this” become mantras that become harder and harder to dismiss.

How often do you think, “if only I believed in myself”?

I recently spoke with psychiatrist Dr. Kevin Solomons, who wrote the book Born to be Worthless: The Hidden Power of Low Self-Esteem. He told me our self-esteem system mostly moves us to make healthy, constructive and adaptive life decisions, but can go wrong, just as any system can.

When it does go wrong, our failing (low) self-esteem can get us to make self-destructive decisions such as tolerating mistreatment or harming ourselves (by using drugs, becoming promiscuous, developing eating disorders or indulging in cosmetic surgery), or harming others (bullying, cheating) in an effort either to make others love us or to numb us to the pain of our own worthlessness.

Any negative life event or reaction can cause us to doubt ourselves. We all have times when things do not go as we think they should. The world can feel lonely in trying to find the right resources to help us at these times — everything can be daunting and even confusing. Often we place too much credibility on the negativity we have around us.

The most important lesson I have finally learned from my own life’s challenges is that it’s not external events that have the most profound effect on our self-esteem. It is how we view our own life and life’s events. Ultimately, it’s the inner belief we have in ourselves that guides our journey. Do we really believe we deserve to live in a bad relationship? Do we really believe we deserve to be mentally or physically abused? Is our negative belief in ourselves keeping us in these negative environments?

In life we are all constantly faced with challenges and changes. As we slowly begin to believe in ourselves, we can discover that although we cannot change our past experiences, we can change the way we think about them. As a result, we can change not only how we think about ourselves, but also identify a way to a better future.

As Viktor Frankl (1905 – 1997), psychiatrist and Holocaust-survivor famously said in his book Man’s Search for Meaning, “[E]verything can be taken from a man but one thing; the last of the human freedoms – to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.”

What is the danger of inadequate self-esteem and how to recognize it?

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How self-esteem is formed and what it looks like

Self-esteem depends on many factors. First of all, on the environment in which a person grew up, what kind of relationship he had with his parents, what attitudes and values were broadcast in his family.

It also matters how other important people treated him: friends, teachers, classmates. And we must not forget about the social status and financial situation of a person, about his external data, state of health and life experience that he received at school, at the institute, at work, in society.

If the world as a whole was supportive of a person and supported him in the idea that he is beautiful, smart, capable and in general everything is fine with him, there is more chance that self-esteem will be high.

If everything went wrong from the very beginning: parents criticized, teachers found fault, classmates bullied, career did not work out, there was little money and appearance did not meet standards, it will be difficult to maintain self-confidence.

Psychologists usually distinguish four types of self-esteem.

Low: people rate their qualities worse than others.
Healthy: its owner is self-confident, well aware of his positive and negative sides, does not underestimate or exaggerate any of them.
Overestimated: a person believes that he is underestimated, attributes to himself talents and qualities that have little to do with reality.
Fluctuating: a person's self-perception is always different and can jump from "God, I'm gorgeous, the whole world is at my feet" to "what a nightmare, I'm a complete nothingness and unworthy of life."

Self-esteem is not a constant, it can and does change depending on the psychological state and life circumstances. But in general, healthy or slightly overestimated self-esteem can be considered adequate. Low or, conversely, very high entails problems.

How to understand that self-esteem is unhealthy

A psychologist will help you more or less understand how things are. You can also take a special questionnaire to determine the level of self-esteem, such as the Rosenberg questionnaire.

How low self-esteem manifests itself

Here are some of its main signs.

You constantly scold yourself, talk about yourself in a negative and derogatory way.
You avoid relationships, new acquaintances and communication, because you are sure that no one will like you anyway and nothing good will come of it.
You are convinced that other people treat you badly. It comes to the point of absurdity: if strangers are laughing nearby, it seems to you that they are laughing at you, and not at some kind of joke of their own.
Your every problem looks like a catastrophe: you are sure that you will not be able to cope with it.
You are jealous of your loved ones: friends, partners, children — and you are trying to bind them to yourself more tightly, including through manipulation and psychological abuse. Because deep down they are sure that otherwise they will leave you.
You do not trust your decisions, you think you are wrong, even if the facts indicate otherwise, you are afraid to express your opinion in a circle of other people.
You devalue yourself, belittle your merits, consider them insignificant: “Just think, you got a higher education, so everyone can do it” or “Just think, you got a promotion at work, this is probably a lack of fish, because there are simply no other candidates.”

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How low self-esteem affects our lives

How overestimated self-esteem manifests itself

Such signals can indicate it:

You take on too much, not focusing on your capabilities, resources, abilities. For example, you take on complex projects for which you objectively lack the qualifications, respond to vacancies, even if you do not meet the requirements at all.
You react very painfully to criticism, reject it, protest violently, do not try to listen, even if the feedback is expressed in a very mild and correct form.
You are not very eager to learn, develop, deepen your knowledge and improve your professionalism, because you are sure that you are already beautiful, and no one will teach you anything.
You boast, you talk a lot about yourself, you do not hide the fact that you put yourself above the rest.
You reject people because it seems to you that they are unworthy of you and do not reach your level.

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Why you don't need self-esteem

However, some of the "symptoms" of high self-esteem may turn out to be bravado and say that the person is actually not confident in himself and tries to hide this from everyone behind deliberately defiant behavior.

Extremely high self-esteem - when a person is in love with himself without memory, out of touch with reality, humiliates and torments others - can be a sign of a narcissistic personality disorder.

What does inadequate self-esteem lead to

The consequences of low self-esteem

Such self-esteem leads to the fact that a person refuses to communicate and interesting projects, devalues himself - and as a result risks relationships, career, may miss interesting opportunities, does not try new things. He gets used to the idea that he is worthless and helpless, it becomes increasingly difficult for him to cope with these feelings, and avoiding difficulties becomes the main tactic.

In addition, low self-esteem can affect mental health and is associated with depression and anxiety. There is evidence that indicates a relationship between the level of self-esteem and the state of chronic pathologies: in people with low self-esteem, the disease is more severe.

It is also difficult for a person with low self-esteem to stand up for himself, he is more easily manipulated and can get bogged down in toxic and traumatic relationships.

Consequences of high self-esteem

Psychotherapist Lyubov Cherkasova and candidate of psychological sciences Larisa Ovcharenko say that high self-esteem is better for a person than low self-esteem, unless, of course, we are talking about a narcissistic disorder. Such a person is more confident in himself, doubts less, is able to defend his position.

But not everything is so smooth.

There are studies that indicate that inflated self-esteem in some cases can lead to criminal behavior: a sense of superiority over others makes you overstep social norms.

In addition, people with high self-esteem are more likely to go all in and do rash things. They take on tasks they can't handle, risk making mistakes, letting others down, screwing up a very important project, and ultimately losing their jobs and reputation.

And finally, it is quite difficult for such people to build relationships, they will be traumatic and unequal. Because only a completely insecure person will agree to tolerate next to him who considers himself the best and in every possible way proves his superiority.

Consequences of low self-esteem

Discreat

Low self-esteem has far-reaching consequences. Self-hatred not only distorts a person's ideas about his nature, but, spreading, infects everyone with whom he communicates.
Low self-esteem reduces your ability to love and understand others. Modern psychologists have come to the conclusion that a person cannot love another if he himself does not have a healthy feeling of love for himself. The truth of the love that comes from us and addressed to us is directly related to our relationship to ourselves. If I do not love myself, then others, of course, even more so. If I doubt my own essence, its significance, can I respect others?

People close to you - parents, relatives, lover or sweetheart, your friends - become a constant "lightning rod" for your depression. In the end, your half, your children become innocent victims of your attitude towards yourself, which should have been changed even before marriage.

Low self-esteem affects the choice of a partner for marriage. A person whose self-esteem is weakly expressed usually chooses a partner for himself who will belittle, criticize and condemn him. Why is this happening? To again and again relive those feelings to which he is accustomed.

Low self-esteem will affect the future of your children. Yes, parents can pass on low self-esteem to their children. Perhaps you think that you hide it so well that not a single soul knows about it. But the very attitude towards your own life betrays your disrespect for yourself, so that the children will gradually lose respect for you. Subconsciously, they will also gravitate toward low self-esteem. It is impossible for a person with an unhealthy attitude to himself to pass on healthy self-respect to his children, unless a chance or miracle removes this parental “curse” from them.
Low self-esteem will affect your sex life. Society has taught us to think that the only way to win over a representative of the opposite sex is with the help of a carefully groomed appearance. The passion for licking, for the notorious grooming and perfect irresistibility consumes both sexes. Therefore, if our body at least in some way seems imperfect to us, then most likely it will not satisfy us as a whole. And if you yourself do not like your body - for short stature, for example, for too small breasts or thin legs, or even simply for the lack of hair on your chest - of course, you can hardly believe that your body can seem attractive to someone . This attitude towards your body can give rise to fears in sexual relationships.

Low self-esteem can make you dissatisfied with authority. Every time we are disappointed in ourselves or in our actions, we tend to blame life itself, its very unfair structure. Consciously or not, we have a feeling that the world owes us something. This is how dissatisfaction with parents, school administration, police, employers, the whole country is born. Therefore, whenever the government imposes restrictions, it seems to us that our chances for happiness are decreasing, and this revolts us.

Low self-esteem is an obstacle to true friendship. Self-hatred not only prevents others from hearing us, but also makes us deaf to others. If you are very vulnerable because of your own appearance or because of what others think of you, then you are no longer up to the problems of the other person.

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