Domestic violence and couples counseling

Should I Go To Couples Therapy With My Abusive Partner?

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We’re often asked how we feel about couples therapy, and whether we’d encourage that as a course of action.

Our answer loud and clear:

We at The Hotline do not encourage anyone in an abusive relationship to seek counseling with their partner. Abuse is not a relationship problem.

While there can be benefits for couples who undergo couple’s therapy, there’s a great risk for any person who is being abused to attend therapy with their abusive partner.

Relationship counseling can help partners understand each other, resolve difficult problems, and even help the couple gain a different perspective on their situation. It cannot, however, fix the unequal power structure that is characteristic of an abusive relationship.

An abuser may use what is said in therapy later against their partner. Therapy can make a person feel vulnerable. If the abuser is embarrassed or angered by something said in therapy, he or she may make their partner suffer to gain back the sense of control. Therapy is often considered a “safe space” for people to talk. For an abused partner, that safety doesn’t necessarily extend to their home.

Couples often enter couple’s therapy to fix their relationship. Deciding whether or not the relationship is better is extremely hard for a couple if one is being abused. The abuser has all of the power and can no longer gauge if a relationship is getting better because he/she does not see what their partner sees. The abused partner often cannot even rate how bad or good the relationship is because the abuse has affected him/her.

Another reason that couple’s therapy or counseling is not recommended is that the facilitator may not know about the abuse, which would make the entire process ineffective. The abuser may make their partner seem responsible for the problems, and if the therapist does not realize that abuse is present, her or she may believe the abuser.

If you or someone you know is considering entering therapy with an abusive partner, please have them call us at the hotline. We can talk to them, and give them a judgment-free sounding board for their hopes and concerns about the process.

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Couples Therapy for Domestic Violence and Abuse — Collaborative Therapeutic Services

Any time a couple is having relationship problems, the go-to answer is usually “try couples counseling.” And for many couples, therapy is an excellent way to explore concerns, develop communication skills, and strengthen the relationship. However, if the relationship involves, or has ever involved, any kind of abuse or violence, the answer is not that straightforward.

The question of whether couples therapy is appropriate in situations where abuse and/or violence is a concern is an extremely controversial one. Yet for couples seeking help, a theoretic debate is not particularly helpful. Therefore, the specific circumstances of each couple must inform the decision of whether couples therapy is appropriate. It is up the therapist to carefully assess the relationship—and the individuals involved—and develop a unique and hopefully effective therapeutic plan.

Couples therapy is not appropriate if safety is a concern

The first responsibility of any therapist or counselor engaged in couples therapy is to ensure that both parties in the relationship are safe. If either individuals indicates that they are not safe, that they fear their well-being or the well-being of those close to them are in any type of danger, steps must be taken to address those concerns. And the therapist cannot simply rely on verbal hints; if an individual’s safety is so threatened, they may not be able to express their concerns, or may feel that doing so will heighten the threat against them. Thus, watching for unspoken indications, such as body language, is critical.

Couples counseling is never appropriate if either individual in the relationship does not feel safe. The basis of all couples therapy is open and honest communication. Unfortunately, if violence is present in the relationship, open communication is nearly always impossible, and could, in fact, lead to further violence. Thus, if there is any indication that violence is present and that safety is at all a concern, the therapist must address that issue first and foremost on an individual basis, not through couples counseling.

Thorough assessment is key before couples therapy can begin

If the safety of the individuals in the relationship is assured, the therapist should begin the process by conducting a thorough assessment of the individuals and the relationship to determine whether couples therapy is appropriate or whether other avenues of therapy—such as individual counselling or group therapy—may be more effective. The assessment should focus on issues such as the degree of violence and/or abuse present in the situation, the ability of one or both parties to accept responsibility for violent or abusive behavior, and whether the therapy will truly be addressing relationship issues or will have to focus on the patterns of abuse and/or violence. Conducting a thorough and accurate assessment may involve multiple meetings with both parties as well as with each party individually, and may require careful navigating around confidentiality issues in order to facilitate open communication.

A key element of the assessment must involve accurate definition of both abuse and violence. Because too many people associate “violence” only with hitting, for instance, they may dismiss the idea that their relationship is “violent”. However, violence or physical aggression can still be present even if no one has been beaten; pushing, shoving, grabbing, and physical intimidation are all acts of violence or aggression. Moreover, partner abuse can be present whether or not accompanied by actual violence. Partner abuse can mean the use of force, intimidation, or manipulation to control a partner, but it can—and more often does—involve verbal and psychological tactics which are often harder to recognize but also more damaging in the long term.

When is couples therapy appropriate?

If safety is assured and a thorough and expert assessment has been conducted, couples therapy may be appropriate if the therapist feels that the focus of the therapy can be on the dynamics of the relationship itself, not on coping with violent or abusive behavior. To meet this standard, the couple usually must meet a variety of conditions set out by the therapist, such as:

· There must be agreement about the type and degree of violence/abuse that has occurred

· The aggressor/abuser must recognize their behavior and accept responsibility for it

· Abusive and/or aggressive acts must be mild or non-existent; both partners must be willing to agree to a “contract” of no further abuse

· Both parties in the relationship must be sincere in their desire for treatment

· Both parties must be able to engage in open communication without manipulation

Couples therapy can only be effective if it is based on mutual respect and honest communication. It may be possible for a couple who has endured aggressive, violent, or abusive behaviors to address and move beyond those behaviors to engage in order to engage in a healthy and successful relationship. It is the role of the therapist to lay the groundwork up front to ensure that couples therapy is the appropriate and most effective method of coping with this difficult challenge.

For more information on the types of therapy that may help you or your child contact us today.

Collaborative Therapeutic Services (CTS) seeks to maximize clients’ options by offering a variety of services, hours, and service providers with diverse specializations. We offer evening & weekend appointments. Have questions? Contact Us Here or Call 813-951-7346. Located in Tampa, Florida.

Prevention of psychological abuse in marital relationships

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Prevention of psychological abuse in marital relationships

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How to understand if there is psychological violence in the family. Interview with psychologist Zara Harutyunyan

Today we want to talk about one of the main problems of Russian families - domestic violence. According to a study by the Women's NGO Consortium, 66% of female deaths are due to domestic violence. But violence is not always about assault. Even if your family does not beat or scream, this does not mean that everything is fine. How do you know if there is violence in your family? How to protect yourself from it? How to correct yourself if you recognize yourself in the aggressor? These and other questions were answered by Zara Harutyunyan, a psychologist, sociologist and psychotherapist who has been studying the psychology of violence for ten years.

Zara, please tell us what is the danger of psychological abuse?

If violence is used against you, you will think that you have no will of your own, you cannot decide anything for yourself. It's like your power is being taken away, you're being imprisoned in an emotional prison. In some cases, psychological violence turns into physical.

What are the signs to understand that there is psychological violence in the family?

It is important to look not at external signs, but listen to the sensations. The marker of the victim will be a feeling of powerlessness and fear.

A vivid example is when a thirty-year-old woman who wants to go to a corporate party has to report in detail why this is important. Justify who she is going to dance and talk with. When a graduate cannot choose a university to his liking, because he knows that his parents will not allow it. When an adult man realizes that without a scandal he cannot stay from work for a minute. When a couple comes to my office, and instead of answering the question, the person looks at the partner and is afraid to speak out.

These situations will be violent when the victim is driven by feelings of fear and powerlessness. If there is room for strong-willed decisions, but you have an anxious partner who needs you to warn about being late, this is not violence.

What marker phrases will help you realize that there is violence in the family?

I think it's dangerous to take phrases out of context. Phenomena are tied to markers, not vice versa. I understand that people want to make cards on the social network out of any problem, name one hundred percent signs in order to protect themselves and save everyone. But sometimes it gets ridiculous.

Recently a woman came up to me and said: “My friend needs to be rescued! I came to visit her and counted all the prerequisites for violence in her family! She is married to a rich man who is above her in status. Because of him, she quit her job, gave birth to children and is now on maternity leave, often consulting with him. She needs to open her eyes! "For what? Does she look miserable?" I asked. “It's so weird, but she looks perfectly happy. But she does not understand anything, we must save her!” my friend replied.

How do you know if you yourself use violence?

I recommend that people in a relationship think about whether a partner can do the same as you. Do you have the same list of rights? An important sign: if a husband or wife asks you for permission for any little thing, then something is wrong.

Of course, you can't plan a vacation or buy a car without discussing it with your loved ones. But if the spouses constantly ask: “Can I go to visit for an hour? Can I go to my mom's for the weekend? May I buy shoes for the child?” and they know: if they are refused, they will have to obey - it's time to reconsider the requirements and give the partner more freedom.

I recommend parents to see if their children are afraid of you. Can they object to you? Will your teenage daughter come to you if she becomes pregnant? Are your kids going out of their way to earn a modicum of your approval? Hitting and spanking children is not allowed. But cruelty can manifest itself in biting words and unrealistic demands, systematic devaluation.

What should not be said to children so as not to injure them?

One random phrase is not violence. I have three children. I know that a mother can yell at a child without being afraid of her. Get away from your parents. There are no perfect mothers and fathers. If you feed, water, clothe the children, if they trust you, but once a week you bark that the beds are not made, everything is fine with you.

Psychological abuse is a system. And she is not always in words. For example, one of my 60-year-old clients - a scientist, from an intelligent family - for the first time in her life received praise from an 80-year-old academic mother: "a good book." When all life is the fear of being worthless, trying to prove to a parent that you are not an empty place is violence. Even an adult educated person finds it difficult to cope with this.

Are there situations when a child uses violence against a parent?

If the child is dependent on the parent, the parent will not become a victim. Violence always comes from someone who is hierarchically higher, has power in the family. Even if a child hits a parent, the mother or father will not be the victim of violence. Because a minor child has no right to dispose of the parent's life.

If parents demand that a teenager report who he communicates with, is this violence?

It is normal to control where and with whom a teenager is. Moreover, children should listen to their parents, because parents are responsible for them. Child-parent relationships are hierarchical until the child leaves the parental family.

If, at the age of 30, a child lives in the parents' territory on the parents' money, this is not an adult. In order to become an adult, one must separate, separate. Find a job, rent a house, move and make your own decisions.

What should an adult, whose parents continue to control every step even at a distance, do?

There are times when relationships with parents destroy a person. Whatever the word, then an arrow in the heart. It is pointless to talk to such tyrannical parents about your feelings. Now it is considered fashionable to express claims and pains to parents. Unfortunately, such people do not understand this and will never understand.

In this case, an adult child should learn teenage indifference. Adolescents have an excellent adaptive mechanism to the teachings of parents and strict teachers. Remember how you communicated with tough teachers, and how easily you could talk about it. The same should be true of despotic parents. If it doesn’t work out, and the words of a parent ruin your life, you should go to a psychologist.

How to protect yourself from domestic violence?

Violence is opposed by kindness, trust, respect and self-sufficiency. What makes us strong is our income, our own living space, our career. A family in which the husband forcibly locks his wife at home and forbids communicating with her friends is dangerous. You don't have to sacrifice yourself for your family. Building relationships is important from a position of mutual respect.

It is impossible to teach a person respect and trust against their will. Therefore, it is very important to choose a spouse consciously. In the experience of clients, discussing a relationship with an abusive person is not effective. You will always make excuses. If frightening moments constantly appear and you feel fear and powerlessness, you should consider whether you need it.

A good family is not a collection of "correct" phrases. It's a feeling. Even if people scream, they will ask for forgiveness and hug each other. On the Day of Family, Love and Fidelity, it is important to remember that there is no fear in your life. May your family be full of love, respect and trust.

Zara Harutyunyan – psychologist, sociologist, psychotherapist who studies the psychology of violence and trauma therapy, consults people with depression and suicidal tendencies, as well as people with palliative diagnoses.

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