Divorce is imminent
Ten Things To Do If Divorce Is Imminent
If you're convinced that your marriage is irretrievably broken and you're headed for divorce, here are ten steps to take.
Consult an attorney.
Become informed about your legal rights and responsibilities. For example, suppose you decide to take the children and live at your parents' house until the divorce is final. From a legal point of view, moving to your parents' home, even temporarily, could be a huge mistake.
Go through household files and make copies of everything you can find: tax returns, bank statements, check registers, investment statements, retirement account statements, employee benefits handbooks, life insurance policies, mortgage documents, financial statements, credit card statements, wills, Social Security statements, automobile titles, etc. If your spouse is self-employed, it is important to gather as much information as possible about the finances of the business. Make copies of any financial data stored on your home computer.
Inventory household and family possessions.
List the major items: furniture, artwork, jewelry, appliances, automobiles, etc. Don't forget to check the storage areas of your home and your safe deposit box for valuables.
(Being aware of all the marital assets is important when it comes time to split up the property.)
Know the household budget and expenses.
If possible, go through your check register for the past year and write down each utility, mortgage, and other household expense for each month. Keep track of the cash you spend on a daily basis so that you'll be able to ascertain your monthly cash expenditures also.
Determine how to manage the family debt.
If possible, determine the family debt and consider paying it down before divorce. Allocation of marital debt among divorcing spouses is one of the most difficult items to negotiate. While taking stock of debt, determine whether any of the debt was incurred by one spouse or the other prior to the date of marriage. This would be considered "non-marital debt" and it belongs to the spouse who incurred it.
Find out exactly what your spouse earns.
If your spouse earns a regular salary, it is easy to look at a pay stub; if your spouse is self-employed, owns a business, or receives any portion of income in cash, do your best to keep track of the money flowing in for several months.
(If you think your spouse is trying to conceal money from employment, see How Your Spouse Can Hide Money Through Employment.)
Make a realistic appraisal of your earning potential.
Perhaps you have been out of the workforce for a while and have been devoting yourself to childrearing. Assess what your current employability is and whether furthering your education prior to divorce would benefit you in the long run.
Examine your own credit history.
If you do not have credit cards in your own name, apply for them now, use them, and establish your own credit history. If you have a poor credit history, try to pay creditors now and improve your own credit rating prior to divorce.
Build a "nest egg" of your own.
You should always have access to money of your own. If your spouse moves out and stops paying bills, you will need to pay them until temporary support orders can be entered. If you are the one who is going to file for divorce, you'll need money for a retainer. Start saving now and plan to initiate divorce proceedings when you have built up a nest egg of your own.
Put your kids at the top of your agenda.
During the divorce process, keep your children's routines as normal as possible. If you and your spouse cannot be together with the children without arguing, create a schedule of separate times for each of you to be with the children. Stay involved (or become involved) in your children's school, sports, and social activities. Do not badmouth your spouse to your children. Put your children first in your life.
It's important to be aware of all the potential issues you'll face, and understand how the divorce process works. Find out:
1. What type of divorce you're facing;
2. How marital property will likely be split between you and your spouse;
3. How custody of the child(ren) will be determined;
and a lot more. Find all the information you need here, or learn about the specific laws in your state.
The Most Recognized Indicators of an Impending Divorce
- May 2, 2022
File Under: Divorce
Nine Signs That Your Marriage May Be In Trouble
With up to 50% of all marriages ending in divorce, it is clear that it is not easy to maintain a healthy union. Infidelity, abuse and money mismanagement are some of the reasons why people divorce. When people enter a marriage, they usually do so with the best of intentions. They say “I do” with the hopes that it’ll be forever. However, there are some predictors of divorce to look out for. When you’re married and you desire to remain so, it’s best to avoid or work through these predictors as best you can. If you’re ready to end the relationship and get a divorce, you may want to consult with a divorce lawyer to iron out the details. Consider some of the following signs that it may be time to call a divorce attorney.
1. Abrupt, Harsh Conversations
When you are on your first few dates with your soon-to-be spouse, flirty language and sweet words are not uncommon. There’s nothing short, harsh or cold about the interactions. While the honeymoon phase ends for most couples at some point, it’s important to maintain a healthy, happy tone with each other. However, when conversations start and end with harsh tones, this isn’t a good sign. When the spouses get short with each other, it sets a habit in motion that can lead to a loveless, cold marriage. Since most don’t want to remain in that type of environment, divorce becomes a logical step to take.
In the heat of the moment, it can be easy for couples to forget that they need to listen to one another in order to understand perspectives. Instead, many couples listen to provide a rebuttal. They become defensive because they feel as though their back is against the wall. This is a poor practice to engage in as it pertains to marital communication. When a person always feels the need to be defensive, this leads to couples fighting each other instead of resolving the issue. In turn, defensiveness can break up a marriage and lead to conversations with a family law attorney.
When a person opts to use stonewalling as a tactic, they are basically communicating how much they don’t want to engage with a person. If an individual is talking to their partner and the partner doesn’t engage or respond, this is stonewalling. Stonewalling is also displayed through body language, such as turning away or folded arms. If they are always looking for the exit and making their interactions really brief, they have no desire to connect on an emotional level.
When a marriage isn’t going well, an individual might feel everything from shame and fear to rage and disappointment. Because the feelings are so intense and real, it’s not uncommon for flooding to occur. Flooding is when a person feels so many emotions that they shut down. As a result, they don’t express any emotion because it is too hard to pick one and explore it.
5. Bad Memories
When you’re in love, all you see and focus on are the good parts of your partner. When you’re angry, it’s easy to focus on all of the bad things your partner did in the past. When it gets to a point where you only interpret memories through a poor lens, this might be a sign that you and your partner are in need of family lawyers. Instead of remembering the beautiful details of the surprise birthday party your spouse threw for you, you focus on the fact that they chose a cake flavor you didn’t like or that they invited a few people you didn’t know. While you had an amazing time at the party, so much transpired since then. As a result, you can’t help but view the positive memories through a poor lens.
6.Failed Repair Attempts
All couples argue and experience misunderstandings. It’s pretty clear that you won’t make your spouse happy all the time. However, when those misunderstandings and disappointments occur, both parties need to come together in order to repair the damage. For example, if a spouse gets late-night calls from an individual of the opposite sex, this can be an understandable point of contention for the other spouse. Repairing this issue can mean that a boundary gets put in place where no calls get accepted past a certain hour. Another boundary might be that the spouse no longer communicates with that outside party. When couples fail to find a middle ground and repair the damage, this could be an indicator that divorce is impending and that a family law attorney is needed.
Contempt is extremely dangerous in a relationship. In most cases, a relationship is over when a person views the other with disgust. Basically, when a person looks at their spouse with contempt, they believe they are worthless or beneath them. They are no longer worthy of the affection, care and attention because of how they have treated you. If there is anyone who views you with contempt, it is best to stay far away from them. However, when it is your spouse, you are in extremely dangerous territory.
8. Physical Distress
A failing marriage is often a cause of stress. In many cases, people see stress manifest in psychological ways. However, a failing marriage can produce stress physical ways as well. When a person becomes physically ill, this could be a sign that a divorce is on the horizon. A partner might endure symptoms like high blood pressure, ulcers or hair loss. Stress manifests differently in people. Some people develop addictions to alcohol, food or drugs in order to create an emotional safe haven for themselves. Unfortunately, these addictions can lead to even more issues. Before a person gets into a situation they can’t reverse, it might be helpful to consider ending the marriage, and call a divorce attorney.
There are many people who believe that criticism is a form of honesty that’s wrapped in tough love. There’s a belief that when a person loves you, they will tell you the truth about who you are. Even if it’s mean, harsh or cruel, it’s the truth. There is a way to lovingly communicate the truth to a person so they don’t feel like they are being criticized. If you are in a relationship where your partner constantly criticizes you, this will impact the way you feel about yourself. Studies show that for every critique you give, you need to praise seven times for the other person to feel appreciated. If a person only hears criticism from their partner, it is only a matter of time before they don’t feel safe in their home. The home becomes a psychological war zone where they are constantly attacked from an emotional perspective.
It is important to note that fighting isn’t necessarily a bad thing. When a couple argues, there is at least some form of communication happening. Even if the communication gets loud, fiery or tear-filled, there is still a desire to connect and work through a situation. When the communication gets sinister or stops, you will need to look at these predictors to see if they fall in line with your relationship. Even if they do and you are not willing to work through them, a divorce lawyer can help you sever ties in an agreeable manner. If the signs are telling you that it’s time to contact a family lawyer, call Lawrence Law at (908) 645-1000, or fill out and submit our online form.
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Divorce is inevitable? How to understand that the relationship is over, and whether it is possible to fix them | Psychology of life | Health
Estimated reading time: 4 minutes
Relationships sometimes end. But at the same time, it is not always clear whether discord in the family indicates temporary difficulties and grinding, or is it a signal that everything is over, and we must disperse. How to understand that divorce is inevitable?
“From time to time, crises arise in any family. Some of them, unfortunately, give rise to the idea of divorce. The situation can develop in several directions: the thought or idea of divorce, which came as a response to a conflict or misunderstanding, can remain only a thought. The person calms down, reconciles. Or it all turns into constant discontent. The couple begins to live in parallel realities, maintaining a reputation in the eyes of the public and in their own. At the same time, they may have problems with trust and other areas of family life, but for the sake of family, children and the social model, they can continue to live under the same roof,” says Artem Tolokonin, PhD, psychotherapist, psychiatrist.
If the situation has not reached the peak, then it can be solved, settled and a compromise solution can be found. The main thing in this case is not to chop off the shoulder. “All conflicts that arise in families are, as a rule, the result of a conflict with oneself, the result of unjustified expectations from a partner, false or idealistic ideas that a partner had in his head, in the process of building relationships and their implementation. Then it becomes painful for a person that the partner behaves in a way that the other side would not like, and this is perceived very painfully, ”says Artem Tolokonin.
When passions boil and a person thinks about what can be done, the first recommendation in such a case, no matter how trite it may sound, is to calm down. A sober mind is needed. A person at this moment should not be controlled by resentment and anger. “When a person is driven by these emotions, it is impossible to act adequately and soberly assess what is happening. The first step towards reconciliation is to find a way to calm down. Sleep, take care of yourself, exercise, meditate, take a walk. If you are not in control of yourself at all, the best solution would be to contact a family psychologist who will help you calm down and establish contact with yourself, and then with the second half, ”explains the psychotherapist.
No matter what the crisis was dictated by - financial or other disagreements, or betrayal occurred - this is always an occasion to establish and improve relations. The help of a professional psychotherapist or psychologist will be very useful here. “A specialist can develop an individual program to get out of a crisis situation, and then this crisis will be a powerful resource for developing relations. You don’t need to create old relationships, you need to create relationships that didn’t exist before, and then they will have good qualities that will help relationships build on unconditional love. Each of the partners will feel free, harmonious and confident that a family choice is not a prison and a bond, but a voluntary choice that you enjoy. With such an attitude, absolutely any relationship can be brought out of the crisis, ”warns psychotherapist Tolokonin.
According to the expert, the most powerful spiritual practice is family life. If you study it all your life, then the family will be a source of energy and the desire to divorce will definitely not arise.
Divorce is inevitable only when one of the parties has firmly decided to go this way, emphasizes the psychotherapist Tolokonin. And if the intentions are serious and irrevocable, then it is extremely difficult to make a person change his mind. “Any manipulations on this score by the second partner lead to the rooting of the conflict, and pressure from the outside leads to nothing,” the specialist notes.
If one of the partners finally decided to break up, packed up / left / filed for divorce, it is often impossible to do anything here, because the family is a voluntary, conscious choice, and not a forced prison where you have to live for the sake of someone unknown and what. “Accept this with honour. Release the person. No matter how paradoxical it may sound, a harmonious marriage is when if the other half decides to leave / live separately tomorrow, you wish good luck. When you do not perceive the second person as a property that should be under your complete control. Your partner is entitled to their opinion and decision. Only by respecting his choice, even if you don’t like it, you can come to an agreement, ”recommends Artem Tolokonin.
family relationsdivorcepsychological advice
How do you know when your marriage is over?
Divorce is a serious step in the life of any family. In modern society, unfortunately, not all love stories end with a happy ending. We find out what “bells” you need to pay attention to, thanks to which you can understand that an early divorce looms on the horizon.
You begin to doubt yourself
The realization that you are no longer the top priority in your partner's life can be very painful. Devaluation by a loved one is not in vain for our psyche, making us doubt our own personality, our strengths, abilities and talents.
Your partner has stopped making efforts in the relationship
Various difficulties constantly arise in the family. That is why spouses need to overcome difficulties together, and not throw all the questions on only one partner.
You no longer want to work on your relationship
You may not be putting in the effort because you don't feel responsible for your family's failure. If you refuse to attend family counseling and see no reason to save your marriage, then this is a clear sign that it is time to draw up divorce papers.
You spend quite a bit of time together
Psychologists say that spouses who try to spend as much time apart as possible, on a subconscious level, understand that their marriage is bursting at the seams.
You don't support each other
To build strong relationships, it is important to be able to listen and hear your partner. In a healthy marriage, spouses work together as a team, supporting each other in all endeavors.
Your sex life has worsened
Of course, infrequent sex is not the main reason for divorce. One way or another, sexual satisfaction is one of the important factors in marriage, and when you are sorely lacking it, you need to seriously think and realize that you have a relationship crisis.
You have different ideas about the future
Psychologists advise you to think about divorce if your life plans do not match those of your spouse. Suppose a woman is confident in her desire to become a mother, and her husband is against it. Such an outcome of events can serve as a serious reason for the dissolution of the marriage.
One of the partners “puts up a wall”
Sometimes one of the spouses may begin to withdraw due to problems in the family. By the way, indifference and coldness in relationships are the main signs of the approaching end of your married life.
Your couple lacks respect
Contempt often follows a loss of respect. If one of the partners constantly looks down on the other, does not take into account his opinion, without putting the opinion of his chosen one into anything, then the second begins to feel uncomfortable in such a toxic relationship.
You began to swear more often
If every little thing becomes a reason for a quarrel, the desire to get a divorce comes by itself.
You failed to become one big family
If someone in your partner's family dislikes you, it can be a huge problem for you. At the beginning of a relationship, this may seem like a trifle, but in the end it will still affect the atmosphere in the family.
Have you experienced domestic violence
If a husband hits his wife or children at least once, it will most likely happen all the time. You should not tempt fate, so it is better to get away from him as soon as possible.