Dissociate from someone

Most analysts believe that all parties concerned, except for radical separatists, have no choice.

Ukraine is physically unable to defeat Russia on the battlefield. For Moscow, victory would have resulted in severe economic, social and political costs for years to come. The West would be forced to introduce new sanctions against it, destroying mutually beneficial trade.

The situation is complicated by the fact that the leaders of the self-proclaimed republics, contrary to the agreements reached in Minsk on September 5 and providing for the preservation of the Donetsk and Lugansk regions as part of Ukraine on the terms of broad autonomy, declare that they continue to strive for independence. nine0011

What will be the outcome of this? What does world experience say?

An intractable contradiction

The author of the photo, RIA Novosti

Representatives of the so-called Donetsk and Lugansk people's republics declare their aspirations for independence

International law equally recognizes two mutually exclusive principles: the territorial integrity of states and the law nations for self-determination.

There are no clear rules as to who, from whom, and how can separate. nine0011

Critics of the modern world order speak of the need to develop such norms on the UN platform in order to avoid double standards and conjuncture. But this is a matter for the future.

Nevertheless, there is still a certain set of not legally fixed, but more or less generally recognized attitudes.

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National and regional aspirations are highly desirable to be met without transgressing borders, within the framework of expanding autonomy.

If someone is determined to get out, the state should not keep people like they are in prison, and the separatists should not behave boldly and defiantly: we want, and we do, but we don’t know you from today.

The issue of separation should be resolved in the course of long, respectful negotiations, taking into account the interests of both the secession region and the country from which the secession is carried out, as well as those residents of the future independent state who did not want to secede. nine0011

Separatism that does not go beyond the democratic process cannot be crushed by repression. Independence should not lead to the establishment of a nationally oriented dictatorship, ethnic cleansing and persecution of dissidents.

Separation demands a referendum, but its results are not a law of direct action, but only a strong trump card in future negotiations.

Whether the divorce will be peaceful or bloody depends on the political culture, tolerance and humanity of the society.

Czechs and Slovaks went to separate apartments, not only without shedding a single drop of blood, but calmly sharing furniture in foreign missions of the former united state, did not become enemies for each other, and a few years later met in the EU, again erasing the border that separated them. nine0011

The collapse of Yugoslavia was accompanied by many years of war and atrocities that claimed hundreds of thousands of lives, during which everyone was both executioners and victims.

What is real?

Photo author, Reuters

Sometimes a divorce between countries can take place peacefully, sometimes a conflict is resolved by force

Unfortunately, events often develop according to the worst scenario. Supporters and opponents of secession recognize only their own truth and see each other as oppressors or traitors. A spiral of hatred and violence is unfolding, the country is being destroyed, and the ground is being created for external interference. nine0011

Sometimes the fighters for independence eventually manage to achieve their goal at the cost of great sacrifices, sometimes not. There are roughly equal numbers of such cases in the world. There is only one pattern: without external support, the separatists do not win .

Conflicts of this kind can be divided into four categories .

1) Due to various political and moral reasons, the separatists win the sympathy of the world community, and with its help they gain the upper hand.

2) Supporters of secession are supported by one militarily strong neighboring state. In this case, it is more appropriate to talk not so much about the desire for independence, but about the territorial claims of one country to another. The rest of the world reacts negatively to what is happening. If secession is eventually carried out, the seceded region will face the fate of a reservation that is not recognized by anyone but the patron, with a weak economy and authoritarian corrupt government. nine0011

3) The central government is strong enough to suppress separatism, and the world is relatively indifferent to what is happening. In this case, the fighters for independence, as they say, do not shine.

4) The process takes place within the framework of democracy and the rule of law, takes on a sluggish character and usually does not lead to anything, since most people are by nature conservative and prefer the status quo to the unknown. Judging by the polls, Scotland may be an exception to this rule, but wait and see. nine0011

Almost all large-scale manifestations of separatism in recent decades fit into one of these groups.

Chechnya

Stalin's deportation had enough reasons not to like Russia.

According to a number of historians, in the 1990s they could have achieved independence by political means, but preferred to proclaim it without permission, in the future they agreed to negotiate only from the position of fait accompli, did not show any desire to reckon with the interests of Moscow and show at least a minimum of respect and tact. nine0011

The first Chechen war of 1994-1996 was perceived by many Russians as an imperial atavism or a whim of Boris Yeltsin, who wanted to show who was boss in the house. Having released fourteen republics, is it worth shedding blood over Chechnya?!

For a total of six years, in 1991-1994 and 1996-1999, "independent Ichkeria" actually had all the attributes of sovereignty, except for diplomatic recognition, but failed or did not want to become not only kind, but at least neutral for Russia neighbor. nine0011

By the end of the decade, the mood of Russian society had changed: no agreement could be reached, it couldn't go on like this forever, something had to be done.

Vladimir Putin began his reign with a cardinal solution to the Chechen issue, and, according to analysts, considers it one of his main merits.

For five years the Russian army has used artillery, aircraft and armored vehicles in Chechnya. About five thousand residents of the republic went missing - according to human rights activists, they were killed without trial on suspicion of collaborating with militants. nine0011

The official West recognized what was happening as an internal affair of Russia, allowing itself only restrained criticism not of the war as such, but of the methods of waging it.

The result came out logical.

Kosovo

Photo author, AP

The Kosovars gained independence in 2008

The collapse of the former Yugoslavia began in Kosovo and ended there.

Having become the President of Serbia, Slobodan Milosevic sent an army to the region on February 1, 1990, introduced a curfew and a special order of administration. The local leadership was arrested, its place was taken by chiefs sent from Belgrade. Education in the Albanian language was discontinued, the local Academy of Sciences and Arts was closed. nine0011

On September 28, the Serbian Assembly changed the constitution, abolishing Kosovo's autonomy.

According to historians, Slovenia, Croatia, and a little later Bosnia and Herzegovina hastened to declare their independence, partly because they were afraid to share the fate of Kosovo.

On September 1, 1996, after the signing of the Dayton Agreement on Bosnia, Milosevic, who at that stage was trying to reconcile with the West, restored Kosovo's autonomy and national institutions. But the Kosovars, offended by five years of direct rule from Belgrade, who did not trust Milosevic and had seen enough of the example of Croatia and Bosnia, no longer wanted anything but independence. nine0011

As a result of clashes between Serbian security forces and the underground Kosovo Liberation Army, about a thousand people were killed, 230 thousand Kosovars fled to neighboring countries, primarily to Macedonia, where the UN organized temporary camps for them.

An authoritarian corrupt ruler who openly challenged Western values ​​and understanding of life aroused sharp antipathy in democratic countries. The Kosovars have become "good guys" for the world community, although in a number of cases they were also not without sin. nine0011

In March-May 1999, NATO carried out the air operation Allied Force ("Allied Force"), which ended with the surrender of Belgrade. But the international community observed certain propriety: the independence of Kosovo was proclaimed only nine years after the actual secession.

Abkhazia and South Ossetia

The historical conflict goes back centuries and began long before the appearance of Russians in the Caucasus.

There is a concept of "matryoshka state". The Abkhazians and Ossetians hated Georgia, but gravitated toward distant imperial Petersburg, and later toward Moscow. For its part, even under Gorbachev, the Center supported the latter in disputes between the union republics striving for independence and the autonomies that were part of them. nine0011

During the Georgian-Abkhazian conflict of 1992-1994, Russia formally kept neutrality, but the Georgian positions were bombed by mysterious unmarked planes, and Russian border guards let armed Cossacks and volunteers of the anti-Georgian Confederation of Peoples of the Caucasus into Abkhazia.

After the armistice was concluded and Russian peacekeepers were brought into Abkhazia and South Ossetia, Moscow declared itself to be an impartial mediator, but in fact it played a one-sided game for 14 years. We are for the territorial integrity of Georgia with both hands, but agree on this with Sukhumi and Tskhinvali, and we will not allow you to use force against them under any circumstances. What, they don't want to? So you're trying hard! nine0011

An attempt by Mikheil Saakashvili, who had lost patience, to "restore constitutional order" in South Ossetia by force was quickly and harshly suppressed by the Russian army. At the same time, Moscow also recognized the sovereignty of Abkhazia, although there were no hostilities there.

Opinions differ about whether Abkhazia and South Ossetia won or lost economically and politically from secession from Georgia and becoming unrecognized states.

Transnistria

The situation in Transnistria developed mainly according to the Abkhaz scenario. The actual independence of the region from Moldova was ensured by "polite people" from the Russian 14th army stationed there since Soviet times. However, there are also some differences. nine0011

First, everything happened much faster: within a few months in 1992.

Secondly, Transnistria, unlike Abkhazia and South Ossetia, has not received diplomatic recognition even from Moscow, being in a completely indefinite status.

Thirdly, the conflict was not only national, but also ideological. The local Russian-speaking population, employed mainly in the state farm sector and in industrial enterprises of the socialist type, was distinguished by a special Soviet nostalgia and rejection of everything that comes from the West. nine0011

Russian radical national communists led by Sazhi Umalatova even planned to move their headquarters to Tiraspol and declare Transnistria "a liberated territory of the USSR."

Tibet and Xinjiang

Photo credit, AFP

Many Tibetans are protesting the suppression of their religious freedoms by Chinese authorities nineteen50, the former Dzungar Khanate in the middle of the 17th century.

Beijing is talking about large-scale investments in economically backward regions, where, according to him, civilization and progress are brought, local activists are talking about the destruction of traditional culture and way of life.

Independence movement, in Tibet, mainly in the form of civil disobedience, in Xinjiang taking on an armed form does not stop, but the Chinese authorities suppress any separatist manifestations with an iron fist. No one in the world wants to quarrel with rich and influential China. nine0011

According to the unanimous opinion of experts, if there are no serious internal shocks in the PRC, the chances of Tibet and Xinjiang for independence are zero.

Nagorno-Karabakh

Conflict adopted an open form back in 1988. According to many historians, it was then that the "process" began, which ended four years later with the collapse of the USSR.

The leadership in Moscow opposed the change in the status of the region, based on simple logic - no issues should be resolved under street pressure - but there were no reprisals against the supporters of joining Armenia. nine0011

The West was rather disapproving of what was happening, seeing in the Karabakh conflict, first of all, an obstacle to Gorbachev's reforms.

In January 1992, hostilities began with the use of aircraft, tanks and multiple rocket launchers, ending with a ceasefire in May 1994. According to military experts, the Karabakh militia, which retained control over the region, would not have been able to win without the comprehensive support of "big" Armenia.

Since then conflict is in a frozen state. The world community officially supports the integrity of Azerbaijan, but makes it clear that it will not welcome attempts to use force on its part. nine0011

The cardinal difference of the Karabakh situation is that it is not part of the global confrontation between the great powers, which take a more or less neutral position on the principle: as long as there is no war.

Thanks to greater democratic advancement and a large diaspora, Armenia, it seems, should have become a client of the West. However, due to the fear of the "Turkish encirclement" deeply rooted in the national memory, Yerevan threw itself into the arms of Moscow, following in the wake of its policy on most issues and hosting a Russian military base. nine0011

Russia considers Armenia as an ally, but does not want to quarrel with Azerbaijan - the largest state of Transcaucasia, moreover, rich in gas and oil.

East Timor

The process of decolonization in the former Portuguese possession, which occupies the eastern part of the Indonesian island of Timor, began after the revolution in the mother country in 1974.

On November 28, 1975, the declaration of independence of the Democratic Republic of East Timor was announced, but nine days later, Indonesia occupied it and declared it a province. nine0011

The Timorese did not accept this, also because they were Catholics, while the main population of Indonesia was Muslim.

According to international human rights activists, during the 27 years of Indonesian rule, at least 100,000 people were killed in a territory with a population of 600,000.

Repression caused outrage in the world. There were no defenders at Jakarta.

Under economic and diplomatic pressure, the Indonesian authorities agreed to a referendum in 1999, and in 2002 East Timor became an independent state with near-universal approval. nine0011

South Sudan

Photo author, Reuters

South Sudan became a new state in 2011

The conflict was ethnic and religious in nature. The dominant nationality of Sudan is Muslim Arabs, and in the south there are representatives of the Negroid race who profess Christianity or traditional animistic cults.

Some experts also pointed to the existence of oil deposits in South Sudan.

Longtime Sudanese dictator Omar Bashir reacted to separatism in the only way he knew how. nine0011

During the many years of war, the government army and especially the Islamic militia "Janjaweed", not bound by any laws and regulations, killed about two million people, twice as many became refugees.

Sharia punishments were practiced in the country: stoning, public flogging and chopping off of hands.

Massive repression deprived the Sudanese regime of international support.

As a result, South Sudan became the latest new country to gain international recognition and a UN seat (2011), and Omar Bashir became the first ever sitting head of state to be issued an arrest warrant by the International Criminal Court in The Hague. nine0011

Quebec

The province is a former French colony of New France, which became part of British Canada following the Seven Years' War of 1756-1763.

There is no economic or political discrimination based on nationality in Canada. Separatist sentiments are mainly historical and linguistically based. Many Quebecers are committed to their cultural identity and local patriotism, but fear the consequences of secession.

During Soviet times, Intourist automatically assigned English-speaking guides to Canadian groups. Guests from Quebec strongly demanded that the guide be replaced by a "Frenchman", although, of course, they knew English. nine0011

The movement for independence has always taken place within a civilized framework. Critics of the war in Chechnya pointed out that in Canada the government does not respond to manifestations of separatism with bullets and bombs. They were told that the people of Quebec did not trade in hostages and did not rob trains passing through their territory.

In late 2006, the federal parliament recognized Quebecers as a distinct nation within Canada.

Two referendums, held in 1980 and 1995, ended in the defeat of the independence supporters. nine0011

How to separate from my parents or why I don't live the way I want

Emotional separation from parents sometimes requires serious work on oneself in adulthood.

Psychologist and trauma therapist Xenia Wittenberg talks about why it is important to separate from parents, what to do with feelings of guilt and how to find a "golden mean".

Relationships with parents are a problem for most

About a third of all client requests are about relationships with parents. nine0011

The strength to endure this truth, accept your drama and accept it as part of your history. And stop demanding lost love and care or compensation for the suffering experienced. This is a separation process.

It usually begins with the following topics:

- After my mother's call, I walk around in despondency for half a day, digesting.

- Why does she have to put me down as soon as I feel better?

- I would have left a long time ago, but how can I leave my parents? They are completely independent. nine0011

- As soon as my mother says "What about me?", I immediately feel guilty, and it's easier for me to abandon my plans.

- I didn't have a father. That is, he was, but did nothing for us. So say people who have not separated from their parents.

Gathering courage and deciding to see the unpleasant truth about yourself in your parental family is the first step towards getting out and gaining strength to solve the problem.

So say people who have not separated from their parents.

What does "do not separate" mean?

Separation from parents is not about breaking up with them and becoming economically independent (most people can more or less cope with this).

Separation means becoming emotionally independent. Stop proving, reveling in doing the opposite, getting annoyed, offended by parents, afraid of their assessment and their actions, waiting or demanding help and taking it for granted.

But there is no way to avoid them, ignore them, take care of them, interfere in their lives, solve their problems, put off dreams and plans because of them, see them as the reason for your failed life. nine0011

"Separation from parents or partner is the ability of an individual to make autonomously direct (not manipulative) independent choices while remaining emotionally connected to a system of significant relationships. " Quote from a lecture on family therapy by Mark Yarhouse.

Autonomously and remaining in an emotional connection, but we are not talking about one-time or emergency situations. At a critical moment, it is normal to drop everything and rush to the rescue.

Your parents are just people, good and bad at the same time, like all people on earth, with human capabilities and shortcomings. nine0011

That they are not all-powerful gods, as they were for us in infancy. Not the source of all the blessings and pleasures that they were for us in early childhood. Not someone to whom you have to justify yourself, wait for permission, approval and try not to upset, as it was in elementary school.

Not stupid and limited creatures that oppress and do not let you live, as they (perhaps) were perceived in adolescence.

They are what they are. What life has made them and themselves. They can be ignoble, indifferent, uninterested, selfish. They can solve their problems at your expense. And yes, they may not like you. nine0011

To become autonomous means to admit it

To accept that parents were not able to do something - to admit it, to stop demanding and wanting to receive. This is what it means to separate.

Agree that you might not have been loved, that you might have been taken advantage of, that they could win back their injuries on you and involve you in their destructive processes. Agree that your parents behaved with you as best they could, and stop demanding your "tribute for 12 years."

To see not the ideal (and, in fact, unattainable!), but the real image of the parents, to agree with it and begin to extract for oneself all the "underdone". nine0011

Maybe cook. Maybe sing. Maybe love. Maybe take care. Maybe control yourself. Maybe communicate. Maybe keep order. Maybe rejoice. Maybe deal with difficulties.

If your mother can't cook, will you expect culinary delights from her? No, most likely, even if you really like to eat. You will become a regular at your favorite cafes/restaurants or graduate from culinary school.

Then why do you demand love for yourself from a dad who does not know how to love? Or warmth from a mother who can't feel? Demanding, waiting, resenting not getting, getting angry, wanting to prove or take revenge are signs that you have not yet separated. nine0011

Becoming autonomous also means acknowledging parental autonomy, abandoning the childish arrogance that tells us that mom/dad can't do it without us. Or from the fear that makes you serve your parents, so as not to be a bad daughter or son.

To become autonomous means to accept that parents can not live the way we like: not to take care of health, to behave ugly, to quarrel among themselves, to say what we do not want to hear, to want from us what we don't want to give. nine0011

One can truly agree with this only by showing respect. Deep respect for their choice of how they live. Then we separate.

Start to respect the choice of parents

Respect is complete agreement with everything that parents do, without emotions and desire to save, run away, take revenge or correct.

If you say to yourself "Yes, I respect their way of life!", but you yourself feel shame, irritation, a desire to correct, or guilt, a desire to please and "repay a debt", or you prove, defend yourself, argue, protest - you do not respect and you have not separated. nine0011

If you think that your parents can't cope without you, they'll disappear - you have no respect. And you confuse guardianship and care, and these are different things.

Stop patronizing your parents

Caring is understanding needs and helping (not to the detriment of yourself and others) in their satisfaction. Guardianship is the appointment of a person as incapacitated and doing for him what he can and should do for himself.

In caring there is respect, in guardianship there is none. Guardianship, you rise above your parents, you feel your strength and power. By caring, you interact by taking your comfortable place next to mom or dad. When you care, you are comfortable. If it is uncomfortable, then you are patronizing or serving. Guardianship and service say you haven't split yet. nine0011

"If a child thinks: "My mother needs me, my mother cannot do without me" - this is a child in the service. Children often believe that they can and should save their mother or father, how to make their fate less than her there really is. Fate has dignity. To stop interfering in the lives of parents and save them, you need to step back and see their fate. Then respectfully accept their fate. This is called growing up. " Marianne Franke-Griksch, March 2016.

A little more about guilt

This is how it is in this world that parents give (give) children life. Children do not return what they have received to their parents, but repay their "debt" to their children.

In relationships with parents, children can never achieve equality. What equivalent can a child give to his parents for the life he has received?

Your life? They don't need it. Therefore, nothing. He will give life to his children. Or to their "spiritual children" - ideas, projects, accomplishments. This contributes to his separation from his parental family when he becomes an adult. nine0011

Guilt arises in children when they grow up (they cannot repay a debt). This guilt is a normal stage of growing up. We just live it, realizing that this is a separation from our parents.

Complete separation from parents is impossible without complete convergence. First you need to get close. Reach out to your parents if you have distanced yourself or are ignoring/avoiding them.

Have a good fight if you're angry. Declare boundaries if you are afraid and allow interference in your life. Then look at them with adult eyes - as people, in some ways bad and in some ways good.

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