Boyfriend still married
I’m very happy with my partner, but why won’t he divorce his wife? | Relationships
I’m in a relationship with a man who is separated from his wife but not divorced. He left her five years ago and says their marriage had been over long before that, but he decided to stay until his children left home. We are both in our 50s and his children are now young adults. I was divorced in my 40s and have no children.
We live separately. We’ve had a very happy relationship for several years, but there has always been the elephant in the room of his marriage and the block it presents to our planning a future together.
He has made some moves towards a divorce – contacting a solicitor and gathering information about his finances – but as far as I know, has done nothing beyond that.
It’s difficult for me to understand: my own divorce was done, start to finish, in six months. Of course his circumstances are more complicated, but he seems unable to face the emotional and financial consequences – particularly as his wife has never worked much, which was a source of conflict. I know this will be hard but procrastination will make it worse as they both get closer to retirement age, with fewer opportunities for him to rebuild his finances.
I hate the prospect of losing what has been the best relationship of my life but I can’t play second fiddle to his wife, legally if in no other way, indefinitely. Do I have to walk away?
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You don’t have to walk away from “the best relationship in your life” without a great deal of thought. But it’s important to be honest with yourself: what is it you want and what are you afraid of? Sometimes in relationships the obvious problems – the “headlines” – are red herrings, and even if they are removed, the niggling feeling that things aren’t right remains.
So is him not getting divorced (which, don’t get me wrong, is a biggie!) a symptom of something else about him – his inability to put you first, perhaps – that you don’t like, or does it stand alone? I wonder what he, too, is afraid of?
I hear from divorce lawyers that it’s often men who separate but don’t get divorced, and it may be for myriad reasons – among them a sense of shame, which may come from childhood experiences. Maybe your partner promised never to “leave” his wife and, as long as he doesn’t sign those papers, in a way he won’t. He may fear abandoning her financially. It does sound, from what you say, that this is a sticking point.
Or he could just be lazy; divorce can be a lot of paperwork. The situation may suit his ex, too.
A deed of separation might be a good dress rehearsal for your partner
I spoke to solicitor Gary Rycroft from Joseph A Jones & Co. He pointed out that from 6 April the law on divorce will change, with the abolishment of the need for blame to be apportioned to one party. Could this be a catalyst for your partner?
If that still doesn’t work, Rycroft suggested your partner and his ex could “tidy up” the legal side of their marriage by getting a “deed of separation”. This can be “totally bespoke” so they can put in it what they feel comfortable with. So they could say neither will make any claims against the other at this time, or they could start to outline a division of assets. I wonder if this might be a good dress rehearsal for him.
Consider going to couples counselling, too (psychotherapy.org.uk; cosrt.org.uk; bacp.co.uk). Some interesting things may come out with the safety net of a third person, and these may propel you both forward.
Every week Annalisa Barbieri addresses a family-related problem sent in by a reader. If you would like advice from Annalisa on a family matter, please send your problem to [email protected]. Annalisa regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions.
Comments on this piece are premoderated to ensure the discussion remains on the topics raised by the article. Please be aware that there may be a short delay in comments appearing on the site.
Conversations With Annalisa Barbieri, series 2, is available here.
My New Boyfriend Is Still Married. Is That A Deal Breaker?
Is your new boyfriend still married and you’re not sure what to do? Read this advice from author Christina Pesoli!
Dear Christina,
I’ve recently met someone and we’ve fallen pretty hard for each other. Ben and I have so much in common, it’s crazy! We’re both in our 40s. We both have two kids in middle school: a girl and a boy.
We’re both engineers. And we both love mountain biking. There’s one big difference, though. I’m divorced and he’s…well…not yet divorced.
You see, I separated from my ex two years ago, and our divorce was final about eight months later. Ben also separated from his wife two years ago (yet another thing we have in common), but neither he nor his wife filed. Ever since she left him, he’s paid for his household expenses, she’s paid for hers, and they coparent their kids without any drama. So, for all intents and purposes, it’s like they’re divorced, they just haven’t done the paperwork.
My best friend can’t get past this technicality. She says dating him is wrong because he’s still a married man. Plus, she’s totally hung up on the fact that he said he was divorced on OKCupid. She thinks he was being untruthful. I think he was just being practical.
Do you think it’s wrong to date him?
Signed,
Head Over Heels in Love
Dear In Love,
I realize this happens all the time, but I think misrepresenting one’s marital status on a dating site raises legitimate questions about a person’s veracity.
But at this point, that’s water under the bridge. The bigger issue here is not that Ben said he was divorced on OKCupid, it’s that he is in fact still married.
For reasons more pragmatic than principled, I am opposed to people dating before they are divorced. Simply put, dating has a zero percent chance of making a divorce go smoother, and a bazillion percent chance of making it more contentious. Even I can do that math.
I get that Ben has been separated for a couple of years, and that it was his wife’s decision to move out. And you might think that means his divorce will be smooth, simple, and unemotional. But there’s nothing like a not-yet-ex finding someone new to make the person who wanted the divorce in the first place have second thoughts about splitting up. And when that happens, it’s anything but smooth, simple, and unemotional.
Even if that doesn’t happen, a divorce, no matter how civil, is nobody’s idea of a good time. Sure, they’ve been living separately; but the devil is in the details, and no one has sorted through those yet..jpg)
Is the house going to be sold? How will they divide the proceeds? What about the retirement accounts? Will anyone pay child support? Who’s picking up the tab for the kids’ braces? Hammering out all of this can get messy.
Ben will be preoccupied with the twists and turns of his divorce at times – and that’s understandable. You will have opinions about how things are or are not getting resolved at times – and that’s also understandable. As a result, your fun, new relationship with Ben will get bumped and bruised in the process of Ben’s divorce. That’s wear and tear on your relationship that would never have happened if Ben had wrapped up his divorce before you two started dating.
So, yes, in a perfect world, people would conclude their previous relationships, paperwork and all, before entering into new ones. But you’re not living in a perfect world; you’re living in Ben’s world. Since it’s not likely that the two of you will take a hiatus while Ben gets his divorce done, let’s develop a practical plan to get you through this.
Up until this point, Ben’s been content to let his ex wife call the shots regarding their separation. She left him. She didn’t file. He sat on the sidelines waiting to see what she would do next. Some people (especially men) take this approach because they are holding out hope for reconciliation. Other people (especially men) think it will result in a kinder, gentler divorce. But now that you two are involved, Ben needs to demonstrate respect for both you and your new relationship by taking the reigns on his divorce. Ben should talk to a divorce lawyer and figure out what constitutes a reasonable time frame for getting his divorce done. Then, he should commit to doing what he can to get things squared away within that time period.
And since the new boyfriend is still married, you should commit to staying out of his divorce drama. Don’t expect him to report to you on how things are progressing. Don’t weigh in with your opinions about property settlements, custody matters, and other details.
Remember, if this had been done in the proper order, you wouldn’t have been around for any of those discussions, anyway. His divorce is his project, not yours. The best way to protect your new relationship from any fallout from his divorce is by staying out of it.
If Ben’s divorce is not final within the time period that he commits to get it done, you will then need to identify what the hold-up is. Were there unexpected complications? Is Ben dragging his feet? Or is his wife still calling the shots? Once you figure that out, you’ll know whether to stick around a little longer or cut your losses.
Best,
Christina
Christina Pesoli is the author of Break Free from the Divortex: Power Through Your Divorce and Launch Your New Life.
Is Luke Macfarlane still married to his wife/partner? Boyfriend Gotworth now!
Gossip
Contents:
- 1 Is Luke MacFarlane married? Who is the partner / wife of a Canadian actor?
- 2 Who is Luke MacFarlane's boyfriend/partner?
- 3 Post-breakup relationship, Miller
- 4 MacFarlane's past relationship with an American actor, Knight before Miller
- 5 Does Luke MacFarlane have a twin sister? nine0008
- 6 Is Luke MacFarlane related to Seth MacFarlane?
Popular Canadian actor Luke MacFarlane is acclaimed for his role as Scotty Vandell in the American television series Brothers & Sisters, which follows the Walker family and their lives in Los Angeles and Pasadena, California.
In addition, the 40-year-old actor is also popular for his singing ability, he was the lead singer and songwriter in the band Fellow Nameless.
Is Luke MacFarlane married? Who is the partner / wife of a Canadian actor? nine0025
No! handsome Canadian actor Luke MacFarlane is currently single. So he has yet to make someone his partner or wife. McFarlane is popular not only for his acting and singing, but also for his relationship stories. Luke, the 6.2-inch actor, is not yet married.
Caption: actor, Luke Macfarlane with Larissa (Photo: Instagram)
In 2008, there were many headlines about his relationship and carnal status. In April 2008, the actor himself announced his biological status Globe and mail ' that he is gay.
McFarlane was told:
"I don't know what's going to happen professionally... it's fear, but I don't think I should care what happens because it's my truth."
Canadian: actor, Luke MacFarlane (Instagram)
Who is Luke MacFarlane's boyfriend/partner?
Currently, Luke MacFarlane may be single, but the actor has had many relationships with several boyfriends in the past.
He had a strong relationship with a guy, Wentworth Miller who is also a Canadian actor.
Caption: Luke MacFarlane with ex-boyfriend Wentworth Miller (Photo: Pinterest)
Prior to dating MacFarlane, Miller was in a relationship with boyfriends Mariana Klaveno (2006-2007) and Kristoffer Cusick . Miller also dated Mark Liddell (2008). He may have been single lately.
where did the chicken dance come from
Being McFarlane's relationships with some other popular celebrities, his relationship with Miller is considered the most famous of them. nine0003
A reliable source stated that:
“Wentworth and Luke have been secretly dating for almost six months now; apparently they've been very quiet about their relationship since Wentworth doesn't come out of the closet."
Relationship after split with partner Miller
Canadian actor Luke MacFarlane contacted semi-professional wrestler and actor Chad Slivensky in March 2008.
MacFarlane's relationship did not last long, like other relationships, his relationship with also could not last long. Many of his fans are curious to know what the reality was for the reasons behind their breakup. nine0003
McFarlane told the media:
I strongly feel that there is a difference between revealing my sexual preferences and my innermost thoughts. My sexual preferences are as undeniable a feature of me as the color of my skin. I have never been interested in revealing the intimate details of my life. Taking care of interacting with the media is about trying to make sure they understand the difference."
McFarlane's past relationship with the American actor Knight before Miller
Before relationship with Miller and T.R. Luke Macfarlane was in a relationship with a boyfriend, actor and director. Charlie David for a short period of time. Relationship with partner David was his first love. He later had an affair with actress T.
R. Knight between 2005 and 2006.
Relations with Knight were very mysterious, but their details have not yet been brought to the public and the media. After MacFarlane, Knight had a relationship with Mark Cornelsen from 2007 to 2009.
Mark Cornelsen and his ex-boyfriend T. R. Knight (Photo: Whosdatedwho)
Does Luke MacFarlane have a twin sister?
McFarlane attended London Central High School with his twin sister. Ruth MacFarlane, and her older sister Rebecca. The handsome actor McFarlane attended the Lester B. Pearson School of the Arts and later studied drama at the Juilliard School in New York.
Is Luke MacFarlane related to Seth MacFarlane? nine0025
No! Luke MacFarlane is not related to Seth MacFarlane in any way. However, Luke MacFarlane is linked to Seth MacFarlane through a professional career. By occupation, both of them are popular actors.
what year was the movie juice beetle released
Luke MacFarlane is a Canadian actor and Seth MacFarlane is an American actor.
Luke MacFarlane has two sisters. Ruth MacFarlane and Rebecca MacFarlane. Luke was born January 19, 1980 in London, Canada who is currently working at the age of 40. He has Canadian citizenship. The Canadian actor was born to parents, Penny MacFarlane and Thomas MacFarlane .
However, Seth MacFarlane is an American citizen. Seth was born to American parents, Ann Perry Sager and Ronald Milton MacFarlane on October 26, 1973 in Kent, Connecticut, USA . He has a sister named Rachel Ann Laudiero, also known as Rachel Macfarlane who is an American voice actress.
How Married Life Changes Your Personality
- Christian Jarrett
- for BBC Future
Sign up for our Context Newsletter to help you sort things out.
Image Credit, iStock
Once you get married, your friends often seem boring and predictable, if not unbearable. What happens to them? And is it happening? nine0148
Many of the unmarried are familiar with this feeling noted by one of the characters in Bridget Jones's Diary: why are there so many unmarried thirty-year-old women around these days? And, to add, so many married friends.
Psychologists have not yet fully understood the extent to which marriage affects life satisfaction and whether it makes people more satisfied with themselves. Or, perhaps, it is precisely such people who are inclined to marry and get married?
But what scientists are sure of is that a long life together with one partner does change your personality and that of your partner - for better or for worse...well, until death do you part. nine0003
- How people who decided to divorce were treated in medieval Transylvania
- How other people rewrite your memories
- How anxiety distorts the perception of reality
- How red changes our consciousness having married and sworn allegiance, you will be forced to adapt to each other, try to be diplomatic, patient, learn to find a common language, plan the future together.
nine0003 Not to mention that your lifestyle can change in the most radical way compared to how you lived as a bachelor.
Image copyright, iStock
Image caption,Don't be too jealous of newlyweds who are happy with their lives - after about a year, they will return to their previous level of satisfaction
priorities of psychologists? After all, millions of people get married every day in the world! nine0003
But in fact, this question is almost not investigated. The best we can rely on is the recent work of German scientists who studied personality changes in 15,000 people over four years. 90,003 90,146 664 participants tied the knot over the course of the study, allowing Jule Specht and her colleagues at the University of Münster to compare their personality changes with their single friends and girlfriends.
Image copyright, iStock
Image caption,What, do bachelors have a happier life? Many of those who have been married for a long time do not care about this at all
As it turned out, such traits as emotionality, spontaneity in the manifestation of feelings and openness to new experience have become less noticeable in those who have entered into marriage.
The difference with single participants was relatively small, but the study confirmed that people in marriage become more predictable and less extroverted compared to what they were before marriage (marriage).
- What is the secret of a happy marriage? Couples answer
- "Office marriage" makes us happier
- 100 women: My successful fake marriage
This is confirmed by an earlier American study published in 2000 - at least for women.
Scientists tested about 2000 participants in the experiment, middle-aged women, twice in the period from 6 to 9 years. During this period, 20 of them married and 29 divorced.
Image Credit, iStock
Photo caption,Bachelors are more open to new life challenges. But the difference with those who are married is not as great as it sometimes seems to us.
At the same time, newly married men showed a higher degree of consciousness and a lower degree of neuroticism.
A more conscious attitude to life is understandable - it is necessary, to paraphrase the words of the poet, to navigate the newly built love boat through troubled domestic waters, which is also confirmed in a recent study published this year. nine0003
A group of Dutch psychologists, led by Tila Pronk from Tilburg University, believe that the two main traits that develop in marriage are self-control (the ability to bite your tongue in the name of preserving the family) and the ability to forgive (for example, such simple things as being scattered around semi socks).
Image copyright, iStock
Photo caption,Married men are more conscientious, though they sometimes leave a mess behind to what extent each of the partners was forgiving and what was their ability to control themselves. nine0003
In the first case, the participants indicated the degree of their agreement with statements such as "when my partner does something wrong, I just try to forgive and forget.
" In the second - "I can resist the temptation to do this and that." Then these measurements and tests were repeated for four years. It turned out that both the ability to forgive and the ability to control oneself improved.
Statistically, these improvements were either moderate (forgiving) or small (self-control). But, as Pronk emphasizes, they were the same as those of people who took a special course developed by psychologists. nine0003
Image copyright iStock
Image captionAre you bored with your married friends? And them with you, what do you think?
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What about the complacency of those who are married? Friends often complain about this.
There are studies that have examined changes in life satisfaction after marriage. nine0003 Inveterate bachelors will be pleased to know that although this satisfaction increased for some time immediately after marriage, after a year it returned to its previous levels.
Here, however, we are talking about the average picture. People are all different, someone is initially more adapted to married life, a good husband or a good wife "by nature". And someone is more suited to the lifestyle of a bachelor.
In short, happiness in marriage depends on the personal traits of the one who enters into it. nine0003
For certain people, getting married is exactly what they need to be satisfied with their lives. For example, more conscientious female introverts have a much longer period of life satisfaction from marriage. As, by the way, in male extroverts (why this is so, scientists have yet to study in more detail).
Image copyright, Getty Images
Image caption,Does long life together make spouses similar in habits and tastes?
And finally: how true is it that, over time, husband and wife become more and more similar to each other in their habits and tastes? All these comical situations when long-married couples appear in public in the same sweaters or stupid tracksuits - is that confirmation? nine0003
This is most likely a myth.
