Dealing with resentful wife
How to Fix Resentment in a Marriage
How to Save My Marriage
How to Save My Marriage
Resentment is one of the leading causes of issues in a marriage. Unfortunately, it is also one of the least acknowledged problems, especially since money and sex issues are deemed more prevalent. The problem with resentment is that it often stems from lack of open communication. When there is resentment in your marriage, it means one of the spouses is unable to fully express their thoughts and feelings. This guide will explore how to fix resentment in a marriage without stirring up anger towards each other.
What Causes Resentment in a Marriage?
Addressing the cause of resentment is one of the first steps towards fixing and saving your marriage. It is difficult to pinpoint the exact cause of resentment as every relationship dynamic is unique. However, experts have been able to identify them into categories so you can come up with ways to fix them.
The common causes of resentment in a marriage are:
Betrayal (such as if your spouse cheated on you)
Underperformance (such as a low income spouse or they do not help with chores at home)
Underappreciated (if they constantly forget about your anniversary or other special dates)
Inconsiderate behavior (not responding to their calls/texts, not giving them priority)
When you have resentment towards your spouse, you build an emotional wall and it is difficult to achieve intimacy. Without an emotional connection and intimacy, the relationship could falter. It will only be a matter of time until the couple drifts apart and you no longer value each other’s place in your life.
How do you know if you are resentful towards your spouse? These are the tell-tale signs:
When you are constantly frustrated by their presence and/or actions
When you are hostile towards them
When you start de-prioritizing them
When you would rather spend time with friends or other people
When you ridicule them in front of others
When you do things you know would upset them
When you avoid contact with them (being home late from work or getting into bed when they’re already asleep)
How to Fix Resentment in a Marriage
Fixing resentment in a marriage is no rocket science. You need to understand the cause and then see what can be changed in order to improve your relationship with one another.
Here are some strategies on how to fix resentment in a marriage.
Adopting empathic behavior will help to not just fix, but also prevent resentment in your marriage. In everything you say or do, always put yourself in their shoes. Will it hurt your spouse if you behave a certain way?
Showing empathy will make you more aware of what you should and should not do, especially if you don’t want to hurt your marriage. It is all about compromise if you want your relationship to grow and thrive.Express Your Feelings
Not being able to freely express your feelings is one of the reasons why resentment builds up in a marriage. Once you get a full grasp of how you feel, make sure you communicate those feelings clearly and directly. Open communication is a must for both of you to be on the same page about where you stand in your relationship.Focus on the Positive
It is easy to spiral into negativity when you hold resentment towards your spouse. However, you don’t have to let the negativity win you over. You can do this by focusing on the positives. Think about your partner’s good qualities and the things that they’ve done in the past.
It is human nature to focus on the wrong things that a person has done when they commit a mistake. But you can change this mindset by focusing on the good.Sincerely Apologize
If you have done something that has hurt your spouse and made them resentful of you, openly apologize to them. If you want to save your marriage, you can’t let your ego take over. You must acknowledge that you are at fault.
A sincere apology is more than just words though. You need to have a concrete plan on what steps you want to take to prevent the same mistake from happening again in the future.Forgive Your Partner
If you are on the other end of the spectrum and you are the one who feels the resentment from your partner, you need to forgive them if they made a sincere apology. It’s not always easy to forgive, especially if you’ve been deeply hurt. Forgiveness is a process, so don’t be too hard on yourself if it doesn’t come easily. Go as slowly as you can and take as much time as you need to forgive.Practice Gratitude
Practicing gratitude is one of the best ways to fix resentment in a marriage. It can also aid in the healing process.
When you are resentful towards your spouse, you are overwhelmed with negative emotions. Practice gratitude by thinking of things that you are thankful for in your marriage. Do this a few times daily. It will also inspire you to take steps to save your marriage because you develop better appreciation for this relationship.Seek Counseling (If Needed)
Resentment is a highly toxic emotion. It can be difficult to manage them on your own, especially if you’ve had that feeling for some time. Seeking counseling is a great way to manage your feelings and to deal with the issues in your marriage.
A therapist can provide an objective viewpoint when it comes to resolving your marital issues. They can also spell the difference between saving your marriage or not. It is a considerable investment but can bring about a satisfying outcome.
If you’re holding resentment towards your spouse, or your spouse is resentful towards you, consider the tips above on how to fix resentment in a marriage. All couples will encounter difficulties in their marriage no matter how long they have been together. Don’t let it go unaddressed or it could create a massive divide between you and your spouse. The sooner you address the issues, the better you can to manage the situation before it gets worse.
How to Overcome Built-Up Resentment in Marriage
Resentment in marriage is a dangerous emotion. It’s a silent killer of relationships. Resentment is bitterness at having been mistreated. It’s anger too, but it’s so much more. When you feel resentment, you’re reliving whatever caused the anger. This builds an emotional wall between you and your spouse.
Resentment is complex, and it doesn’t look the same for everyone. Resentment can be a mixture of anger, surprise, disgust, contempt, shock, and outrage.1Here are some common causes of resentment in marriage:
- Being taken advantage of by your spouse.
- Your spouse spends too much time with their family or friends and not enough with yours.
- Your spouse is married to their job.
- You don’t feel recognized or appreciated by your spouse.
- Being put down by your spouse.
Any of these would cause you to be justifiably angry. When that anger is ignored or left unresolved, it festers and grows into resentment. Anger is a healthy emotion, but resentment is not.
Built-up resentment doesn’t have to be a relationship killer. Your marriage can overcome it. It may not be easy, but it is possible.
Where do you start if you want to overcome built-up resentment in your marriage?
I’m so glad you asked.Get to the root of the resentment.
To overcome resentment in marriage, you have to start at the root. Ask yourself, “When did it start? What happened that caused me to feel this way?” Maybe you feel there are several causes. Grab a notebook and start writing. Think through the timeline of your marriage. It may seem like you resent your spouse for several things, but there is likely a root cause. Remember, resentment builds an emotional wall between you and your spouse. Many issues may have compounded after that wall was built.
The intention isn’t to list all your spouse’s wrongdoings. Like a good detective, you need to gather the evidence. The exercise of writing down the wrongs will help you identify the root cause. Once you have identified the root, don’t let the other issues compound it.Let yourself feel.
Resentment is an intense emotion. If you’re angry, be angry. If you’re sad, be sad. We often bottle up our feelings when we think others don’t care. Bottling up those emotions isn’t healthy or helpful. To overcome resentment, you must process the feelings that come with it. And as you work through this with your spouse, you must let those feelings be seen. Let them know how their action, or inaction, makes you feel. Remember to use “I” statements like “I feel hurt” or “I feel neglected.”Focus on the good.
Your spouse is your partner, the love of your life. You may not always like them, but you married them because you love them. While resentment can cause us to dwell on the negative, overcoming resentment can only happen if we remember all the good in our marriage. Grab that same notebook and write all the good about your spouse and marriage. Write down what you love about them, how they care for you, good memories, and cherished moments.
You’re going through this process of overcoming resentment because you cherish and value your spouse.Talk to someone you trust.
Whether it’s a therapist, a friend, or a relative, you may need someone to talk with through this process. This isn’t about bashing your spouse. You must address your feelings first. You can’t fix someone else; you can only fix yourself. Surround yourself with a support system as you find healing. You may have someone in mind as you read this. Take out your phone, text or call them, and invite them to coffee.
★We get it: Sometimes getting the help you need can feel like it’s out of reach for so many reasons. Here are some free/reduced options for counseling and help in your personal and relational wellbeing.★Acknowledge that we all make mistakes.
We’re all human. Mistakes are in our nature. If we want others to forgive our mistakes, we must offer the same to them. However, this doesn’t mean you should excuse your spouse’s behavior when they wrong you. It means you should acknowledge their mistake and look deeper into the circumstances. If the mistake is repetitive, intentional, or crosses a boundary and they refuse to address it, you should speak to a counselor to get guidance.Work toward forgiveness.
Forgiveness is a process. It would be ignorant of me to tell you to just forgive your spouse. I’m not a person who easily forgives. It’s often easier to forget and distance yourself from the person who harmed you. But resentment hurts you more than anyone else. If you’re looking for healing, forgiveness must come.
It may take a lot of time, depending on the depth of the hurt. When you choose to forgive your spouse, you decide to heal yourself. Take your time and be aware of your emotional well-being through the process. Don’t let anyone rush you to forgive. Let your spouse know your feelings and the cause of them. When you are ready, let them know you forgive them. Be honest with them.
Holding on to resentment hurts you. If you want a healthy, happy marriage, don’t let resentment keep you from working toward that.Other blogs:
How to Stay Motivated During Marriage Challenges – First Things First
What to Do When You Feel Disrespected in Marriage – First Things First
How To Have More Meaningful Conversations With Your Spouse – First Things FirstSources:
1TenHouten, W. D. (2018). From ressentiment to resentment as a tertiary emotion. Rev. Eur. Stud., 10, 49.
Miceli, & Castelfranchi, C. (2019). Anger and Its Cousins. https://doi.org/10.1177/1754073917714870Additional articles:
Dealing with Resentment in Relationships I Psych Central
How to Fix Resentment in a Marriage | Loving at Your Best
5 Things to Do When You Start Resenting Your Partner
***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear that someone is monitoring your computer or device, call the hotline 24/7 at 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***
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“You make a god out of a man - and he leaves you, another makes a beast - he licks his hands and stays”
Recently, billionaire Sergey Akulchev announced a divorce from his wife Olga after 21 years of marriage. The couple has five children. Associate Professor of the Department of Conflictology of KNRTU-KHTI, psychologist Rimma Fedyaeva, especially for BUSINESS Online, decided to analyze why this phenomenon has become common in the business world, and gives some recommendations to women who have left their beloved husband, father and businessman.
A MATURE MAN HAS AN AFFAIR WHEN EVERYTHING IS WELL
Once Socrates informed the inhabitants of Athens: “I intend to devote the rest of my life to clarifying only one question - why people, knowing how to act, nevertheless act differently and more often to the detriment of themselves and their loved ones.” Since then, two and a half thousand years have passed, the ruins of that city are in the same place, and people are still far from the answer and continue to make mistakes, stupidities, or simply create difficulties for themselves. Personally, unlike Socrates, I am concerned about not one, but many other professional issues at once. For example: what is missing for rich, successful, smart men who have beautiful, kind wives, mothers of their children, to change the latter for new ones? Or why do some people go through invented ideals to a ripe old age for testing, as a result often regretting the years spent on this in vain, and dream of turning back time in order to stay with their first wife? Reader, I’m actually talking about divorces today, which won’t surprise anyone today, won’t scare anyone, but will only create a lot of psychological, everyday difficulties, bring a lot of insults, misunderstandings, but if a family divorces with an experience of family life, then you can’t avoid talking to colleagues, acquaintances, close, future commitments.
Statistics show that 80% of divorces are initiated by women. The most common reason - 56% - treason. True, you need to understand that a number of reasons precede betrayal: misunderstanding, lack of sex or bad sex, lack of respect for each other, serious domestic problems or, on the contrary, their absence. Yes, when everything is too good, then, unfortunately, divorces also happen. Men start romances (we are not talking about casual and lightweight betrayals, but about deep relationships on the side) often for two reasons: when everything is fine with him in all directions (from a well-fed life and an established business) or when everything is very bad with him ( there is nothing to cherish and there is no point in saving). Further, everything also goes according to the script written by life, although now we are talking about something else. Russia leads the world in the number of divorces. And the official statistics of the last 20 years in Russia is such that a large percentage of divorces occurs in the early period of cohabitation - 1 - 3 years, and also a large percentage falls on those who have a family history of more than 12 - 18 years and are among families with high income (although since 2013 the trend has decreased). Probably, we are talking about divorces of families of businessmen and wealthy officials. Well, divorce in the early stages is clear to us - youth, thoughtlessness, unpreparedness, etc. But about the reasons for the divorce of families with experience ...
If you ask any philosopher, psychologist or just an experienced person, they will all tell us with one voice that a man aged 30 to 45 already knows everything, can still do everything and wants everything. But if you hear a compliment addressed to you at 50 - 55 years old and above, that “you are in the prime of life”, then know that for Russian men this is a mixture of compliment, consolation, hypocrisy and stupidity, and any doctor, professional, will confirm this. sportsman. In 80% of cases after 50 years, we have slowed down nervous reactions, a decrease in muscle contraction and endurance, reduced metabolic processes, sparse hair, poor eyesight, tissue degeneration, and most importantly, a weakening of the functions of many important organs. I know that now you will start to remember Gordie Howe, who played hockey until the age of 50, Joe Frazier, who won the world heavyweight boxing title at almost 40, or remember Goethe or Voltaire, who worked in art at 75 and 90 years old, or even some kind of sex giant, for example, Charlie Chaplin, who at 52 married 18-year-old Una O'Neill and knew how to entertain a new young wife several times a day at this venerable age. These are exceptions. We are talking about 80% of men and get the following picture: hot and reckless divorces, and also, according to statistics, on the contrary, already experienced, seemingly stable and more often wealthy men are 40-50 years old. Older men, as a rule, do not leave their wife, but start a second family, where they give birth, where they share their vision of the world and material well-being.
We hear a lot of stories around that he lived with his family for 15 - 20 years and decided to build everything anew with a young woman. After all, there is a successful business, a good wife, adult children, outwardly prosperous life. What is the reason? To condemn such a decision of a man or to welcome? I see that it is impossible to condemn or, on the contrary, support. Everything is not as simple as it might seem. There are many reasons. This is following fashion in a new social society, this is the need for new sexual sensations, this is the desire to assert oneself, this is the belief that the energy of the partner’s youth will give strength and longevity. Or maybe the point is that there is a need to share the accumulated experience and thereby receive approval, gratitude and raise one's own significance in the eyes of a new, young woman and the environment? Or maybe it's all about understanding love and fidelity, honor and dignity, justice and betrayal, love of glory, vanity and the search for the meaning of life.
I read the following words from one philosopher about the meaning of life: “Under the meaning of life, a man wants to have some positive value in the form of truth. ” That is, he wants it to be true, but he also wants this truth to please him. So that the realization of this truth warms him, inspires him, helps him endure difficulties, voluntarily pushing him to material, physical and emotional hardships, etc. By the meaning of life, a man means the truth, which for him has a positive emotional connotation, because the reason and source of the search for the meaning of life lies in the emotional realm. I mean, in my opinion, a man who has achieved a lot - social status, material independence, physical and aesthetic perfection, raised children - really wants all this to be appreciated not by the eyes of a faithful girlfriend called an experienced wife (she knew him differently, supported his weaknesses, helped to cultivate new qualities of character throughout life, helped to go through difficulties), but a completely new young, energetic, cheerful person called a sweet mistress, ready to become his life friend, giving a new positive emotional coloring to him settled and boring life. And most importantly, in this case, the man again feels internally young, strong and omnipotent. Another question is how long the terms are and whether there is a fear that you will have to return to the former. There are statistics for this case too: about 80% of men who have been married for 12 or more years wish to return to their old relationship during the first 15-17 months of a new life. Psychologists even have the term "syndrome of the 17th month." And many return, however, then they live in a qualitatively new relationship, and for better or worse, it all depends on the woman who decided to accept her man. Therefore, when parting with a man, choose the tactics of patience, it is more promising for family reunification. By the way, sometimes it happens that, upon returning, a man realizes that he no longer needs that ex, but this is also a topic for another conversation.
Lack of freedom leads to divorce
Let's find out the reasons why businessmen leave their old wives. Let's call them not old, but relatives, because they lived a long time, they checked a lot, children were raised, and the rhythm of the heartbeat was already similar.
First, one of the reasons is simple and understandable: as Edgar Howe used to say, “Undoubtedly, love exists, otherwise why so many divorces?”
Love is a strong overexcitation of the central nervous system. This is when feelings reach irrational strength, when they “carry”, when “the roof moves down”. A state of constant affect. Here it is just right to remember the sage Solomon: “Everything will pass,” was carved on his ring. “This, too, shall pass,” was carved on it from the inside.
It is hard and difficult for a man to leave an established life, status, established relationships, and then a feeling clouded his head. But the most terrible and most important thing is different: the words and actions of the two women with whom he is communicating at the moment do not categorically coincide, and this is the whole point. In the end, the brain explodes, he no longer needs anything, and he goes to a place where there are no showdowns, interrogations, swearing.
Secondly, a man begins to deepen into relationships because of the lack of freedom that his wife deprived her of her control, suspicions, checks. He married out of youth and stupidity. I didn’t go for a divorce so as not to injure my children, to develop material well-being, but I met my beloved woman and decided. He wants to be free and independent from an experienced and omniscient wife who knows his weaknesses, taught at the institute, attached to family values, even gave birth to children at her own discretion. At the age of 20, this man depended on her, he was still not old enough, even infantile. In wives of the same age, nature itself has the right to judge, choose whether to marry her or not, that is, to give a kind of assessment to a man: you are my strongest, the best, and they need to hear this for the next 10 years, they strive to receive confirmation of this assessment. This is how a woman manages her husband in the first decade after marriage.
However, the situation changes dramatically after a man passes the mystical age of 33. Having gained experience, material independence, he understands that he has become an adult, he has realized his self. Here, either a change of roles should occur, where the woman will transfer part of the rights to the “grown-up” husband, or he leaves for another. He wants a position in which he has maximum opportunities.
Thirdly, vanity and pride, and I consider this reason to be one of the main reasons for a businessman. When he tries his best to impress and evaluates the external environment, he regulates his own self-esteem and pride. He goes to a beautiful, young and sometimes stupid, to teach himself, pass on knowledge, and amuses his self. By the way, they leave for this reason even when they want to return the period of youth again, because with a new woman, from his point of view, everything starts anew.
Fourth, the consumer attitude towards a male businessman in the family on the part of his wife, children and her relatives. He works a lot, brings a lot, tries a lot, invests a lot and receives less of the most important thing: appreciation, respect, admiration, gratitude, support. In this case, a man often molts to another, they believe, listen, inspire, inspire, especially at first, he will definitely get it, and then everything depends on the mental coefficient of the new woman and her natural wisdom.
Fifthly, the age discrepancy between men and women in the peaks of sexual need.
Even Oscar Wilde said: “In order to conquer a man, it is enough for a woman to awaken the worst that is in him. You make God out of a man - and he leaves you, the other makes a beast - and he licks her hands and stays with her.
At the age of 45 - 55 and more, a man can no longer do as much as he would like, and he needs a new emotional-sexual object. A woman at this age can do a lot and wants a lot, but her husband is no longer interested in her, she does not excite, everything is clear with her. Then everything goes according to the written script: he leaves.
Sixthly, a man grew up in business socially, psychologically, professionally, physically, after all, and his wife stayed at home and created the so-called home front. He was tired of being in the "comfort zone" - everything is clean, thought out, known, calculated and slightly fed up with everything. He knows that the houses will be accepted back in any case, and often leaves. That is, he allows himself any experiments.
ACCEPT AND FORGIVE
There may be different reasons, for example, revenge. In his youth, he forgave his wife for infidelity, and when he achieved inner strength, independence, confidence, he decided to take revenge. Or, for example, excessive male energy, requiring new, pleasant and strong sensations based on the position “I can do anything” or “I am a free independent person and do what I want. ”
What to do? Don't know. Everyone decides for himself. A man who has achieved a lot in society knows what duty, devotion, morality are. Of course, he knows that according to the law he can marry as many times as he likes, but morally ... he betrayed. Betrayal is offensive in essence, and if you look from the other side, then the above reasons can be good for a person to start all over again. And the romantics will say that in general they don’t care about all your listed reasons, the main thing is that you met love. Well, they are right. A smart woman will let go and wish you happiness.
I, in turn, can urge you to remember that when leaving, there are three strategies for behavior for a woman who is left:
- Aggression - destroy everything, send everyone far away on an erotic journey, inflict pain. In this case, your man will only cross himself and be even more convinced of the decision made - to leave.
- Cunning and manipulation - return by humiliation, blackmailing children, inventing an imaginary pregnancy, etc. Don't do it! Men are smart, they can't always explain everything, but they feel right. This "concert" will only cause internal rejection in him. Temporarily, maybe he will remain, but you yourself will be disgusted by the humiliation experienced. Yes, and in the eyes of a loved one, you will fall heavily.
- Worthy acceptance - an adequate assessment of what is happening, accepting it as it is. Keep respect for the years you have lived together. And most importantly, this strategy of behavior is more promising for the resumption of relations. And even if they do not resume, then in his eyes you will remain a worthy woman. Therefore, while your loved one has made a decision and left you, do not interfere with him, do not throw tantrums, but, having recovered from the first period of emotional shock (usually it lasts 10-12 weeks), start living slowly - work on yourself, read a lot, start a hobby , be keenly interested in the secrets of a sensual love game, do not be greedy with your soul, do not be cunning, do not lie, be inspired by beauty, enjoy the environment, have a scope in your actions. In short, evolve! Seeing yourself as a new one, you may no longer want to return to the old relationship and build your own.
And don't forget two important facts:
1. His decision to leave the family is not always his choice, sometimes and more often it is part of the responsibility for the departed love and yours.
2. Divorce can also be good, because it can become an impetus for development, new perspectives and fateful meetings.
12 things thanks to which my husband and I have been together for 26 years
Meeting a person who will awaken feelings is much easier than maintaining a warm relationship for many years. But there are couples who do. What helps these people stay together no matter what?
We talked to Elena, who has been married for 26 years. She told why daily tenderness is a necessary ritual, what you should not say even at the time of a terrible quarrel, and what to do if you feel tired from a partner.
Met her future husband at a student disco and has been living with him for a quarter of a century.
1. Common interests
You and your partner will spend a lot of time together, so it's great if you like similar things. For example, my husband and I met at a disco when we were students, and we still have a desire to go out dancing and have fun with friends. We also love to walk in the Zhiguli mountains or periodically leave with tents across the Volga. We do not have to persuade each other to this or that type of leisure or argue which performance to see.
When we started renovating our apartment, we discovered that we have similar tastes: we like the same wallpaper, furniture, and paintings. This helps to avoid a huge number of conflicts.
But it is impossible to be perfectly alike, therefore, in any case, it is necessary to learn to negotiate, discuss and give in. If you feel that some moment is of great importance for a person, but it is not so important for you, you can agree, and not rest on principle to the very end.
2. Desire to be a family
All families go through difficult periods, but both partners must have a desire to overcome difficulties. Some believe that if the views do not converge, then you should just look for a couple in another place - this is how the relationship breaks up. However, I believe that you can always find a way out if both people want it.
There was a time when I took care of small children, and my husband was constantly working. Interests diverged, and problems began. I felt that we are separated from each other: I cook at home, and he continues to live a full life, build a career, meet different people.
When my husband and I started living together, we had mutual claims to each other: he thought that I gave him little time, and I was worried that he did not help me enough around the house. We argued about this until we agreed. We decided that he would help me with cooking and cleaning, and thanks to this, I would have free time so that we could watch some show together or discuss what had happened during the day. We both felt that we wanted to be together despite the feelings that rage inside.
If you are a family, you need to agree on how to save the union and move on.
If you have just started dating and feel that your eyes do not burn, perhaps you should not try to revive something that is not there. But if you have been together for a long time and are confident in your feelings, breaking up is the easiest, but not always the best option. We were on the verge of a break: we thought that it would be easier to disperse. But now I feel special satisfaction and happiness because we overcame everything and were able to save the family.
3. Willingness to discuss intimate life
When we are young and in love, all thoughts are directed towards intimate relationships. Sex can happen anywhere and anytime - that's how strong the passion is. Over time, this will change, because the daily hustle and bustle takes time and energy. But you can’t distance yourself from intimacy because of being busy at work or taking care of children.
In many families there is dissonance: one of the partners needs more sex than the other. So it was with us: my husband often wanted sex. At first, this caused mutual reproaches: in this case, it seems to the man that the spouse does not want intimacy, and the woman feels that he encroaches on her personal space and does not just let her be with her.
We managed to reach an agreement. When a husband has a desire, he speaks directly about it. If I'm not ready to share it fully, then we can satisfy the need without much emotion and fireworks. He accepts it and is not offended. If the desire is mutual, then everything happens more emotionally - as far as strength and imagination are enough. As soon as we resolved this issue, relations went uphill.
In Europe, couples discuss when they plan to have sex during the week. I don’t see anything wrong with this, because in this way you can choose the time when each of the partners feels more free and rested in order to spend the evening with your loved one.
Couples who don't have sex usually say, "We live like neighbors." This is a sign that the partners have lost touch and no longer feel intimacy. If something is bothering you, talk openly. People are different and your needs may not be the same. Intimate life needs to be discussed and agreed on that is acceptable for both of you.
Now reading 🔥
- How to get rid of self-criticism in sex and finally enjoy it
4. Demonstration of tenderness and care
My husband and I openly express our feelings: we hug each other, kiss and say words of love. If I'm tired, I can just walk up and sit on his lap. This happens not according to a schedule or agreement, but according to need - we have it daily.
Many close people say that in everyday life we are very gentle with each other. For some, it touches or surprises. I believe that touch is necessary because it helps to keep warm and sincere feelings.
I like that I can hug my husband at any time, stroke his head or kiss him and he will answer me the same.
The same applies to care, which should be regular, and not only on holidays or when one of the partners is ill. Our care is manifested in simple things: I cook breakfast for my husband, and every morning he takes me to work. Then during the day we call up just to ask how things are going. If the spouse returns from work at the same time as I do, he will definitely call and ask what my plans are - maybe it’s worth picking me up. The daily manifestation of love for each other is simply necessary to remain close people for a long time.
5. Support and mutual assistance
After school, I wanted to study psychology, but the universities in my city did not have this specialty. I entered the Institute of Culture, but the desire to get a psychological education did not disappear. My husband knew about this and, when the children became independent, he gave me education at a suitable university.
I am very grateful that my husband supported me and helped me learn a new specialty, although at that time I was 33 years old and we already had children. Periodically, it was not possible to send them to my grandmother, because relatives live in other cities, so my husband helped around the house to make it easier for me to study. This expresses support and mutual assistance, which I really appreciate.Illustration: Anna Guridova / Lifehacker
It is impossible to create a strong family if you do not trust each other. I never made scandals if my husband was going to a corporate party, fishing or football. Forbidding him something would be simply dishonest of me - even at a time when we had children.
I, too, could always say that I wanted to relax with my friends, dance and have fun. There were no global obstacles on his part. He could say, “Be careful. If you are late, write and call, ”but no proceedings.
When talking about trust, telephones are often mentioned. They came into our lives when we were still young, and at first I could take my husband's gadget and open contacts. However, I quickly realized that poking around in someone else's phone is stupid. Why look for some compromising evidence and cheat yourself because of every unfamiliar name? The husband works and has many clients, including women. But I believe him, so it's pointless to study the phone and be jealous.
Jealousy can only spice things up in a relationship if both of you can take it with humor.
For example, if your partner kept his eyes on a passing girl, you made a joke about this and laughed together. If you feel that jealousy causes discomfort and gnaws from the inside, then first evaluate what specifically causes it. Perhaps your partner is unconsciously giving you a reason to worry, and you can delicately ask him not to do so.
However, often jealousy is unreasonable - just fantasies that have nothing to do with the intentions of a loved one. In this case, you need to fight only with yourself and your consciousness.
7. Ability to take responsibility for what you do
It is impossible to say with complete certainty that you will never commit unworthy acts and will be faithful to only one partner until the end of your life. Anything can happen in family life - do not promise. The main thing is not to shift the responsibility for what you have done to others.
If you were unfaithful and regret it, then, in my opinion, you should independently cope with all the resulting negative emotions, feelings of shame and thoughts gnawing from within. Saying "I've done things, but I'm very worried and want to be honest with you" is not an option. To be honest in this case is to survive the situation yourself and protect your partner from unrest.
Understand yourself and find out what prompted you to cheat, and then do everything to never allow this to happen again. The desire to be together wins everything. But only on condition that it is sincere and you are really sorry.
The choice is yours 🤭
- What to do if you have changed
8. Respect for your wishes and needs of your partner
If you choose bed linen, you can give in to your partner. But when it comes to global decisions, listen to yourself, because they can affect your entire future life. If the children have grown up and the woman wants to work, then you can’t hide this desire behind the baseboard and try to be an exemplary housewife, because her husband likes it that way. This will not help you save your family and self-confidence.
The same is true for men. If it is important for you to play basketball, then devote time to this and do not push training into the background, because your girlfriend or wife considers sports a useless activity. Otherwise, you will feel dissatisfaction that will spill over into the family.
When one of the partners is unhappy, it affects both.
9. The ability to talk even about unpleasant things
When young people begin to build relationships, they really want to please each other and do not always express dissatisfaction. As a rule, true desires and preferences begin to be shared after the wedding. Here a couple and overtake disassembly and problems. I, too, sometimes kept silent, because it seemed to me that it was not necessary to tell my partner unpleasant things. But now I understand that this is a mistake: discontent accumulates and spills out. The family cannot be silent.
Holding grudges and complaints is like setting off a time bomb. Imagine that a guy likes plump girls, and his partner is unhappy with herself. He makes cute jokes like “My bun, pampushka, you have wrinkles here, tummy,” and these words seem to her real insults that undermine self-confidence. At first she is silent, and then in an aggressive form expresses that he considers her fat and ugly. The woman is offended, but the man does not understand what happened: before, everything was in order. Such little things can lead to serious consequences - from a quarrel to parting.
10. Taboo on insults
We don't know how to quarrel calmly - only with shouts and emotions. I heard about different practices from the category “Move away from your partner, calm down, and then discuss”, but let’s be honest: in real life, emotions are overwhelming and it’s already difficult to stop. However, no matter what feelings we experience, in our family there is a taboo on humiliation and insults.
You can sort things out as much as you want, but you can't deprive your partner of human dignity.
We never agreed on this, it's just that both of us have an understanding that one should not cross a certain line. Each family has its own: for some, the offensive word is “fool”, and someone only communicates with obscenities. But do not put pressure on pain points and say phrases that will definitely hurt. Relationships can crack, and it will no longer be possible to achieve the former level of trust.
11. Personal space
For many years, people get bored with each other. If from time to time you or your partner want to spend time apart, this is normal. Take a break and mind your own business: watch a series alone, go shopping, or just spend the evening in different rooms.
You should not cling to your partner and hug each other every minute. Giving each other the right to personal space and time is very important for a long harmonious relationship.Illustration: Anna Guridova / Lifehacker
12. Understanding that feelings change over time
At first, your relationship is based on passion. You look at your partner through rose-colored glasses, idealize him and want to spend as much time together as possible. But feelings tend to calm down, which means that you will begin to see a person as he is. At this point, many couples have a desire to divorce.
If you have made the decision to fight for your family and have overcome such a period, then in time you will begin to treat each other with more care and respect. At one point, you realize that relationships are very easy to destroy, but you have a conscious intention to stay with this person, because he has acquired value for you. This is not just a husband or wife, but your friend in life - a person whom you can rely on in a difficult period and rely on in any matter.