Home » Misc » Dealing with ocd in a relationship

Dealing with ocd in a relationship


What Is Relationship OCD? — Talkspace

Updated on 4/20/2022

Relationship OCD (also known as ROCD) is a lesser-known subtype of obsessive-compulsive disorder — the mental health condition that causes people to have repeated behaviors or routines they can’t control (known as compulsions) related to the unwelcomed repeated thoughts (known as obsessions) they experience. 

Relationship OCD differs from the basic form of OCD in that it involves the same types of obsessions and compulsions, but in direct response to a romantic relationship. People living with ROCD experience behaviors and thoughts that can interfere with their relationships with spouses, parents, mentors, friends, children, or even a spiritual higher power. 

There are 2 types of relationship OCD people might experience — we’re discussing them both. We’ll also look at ROCD symptoms, causes, how you can cope with the condition, and most importantly, what types of treatment are available.  

Types of Relationship OCD  

The 2 classifications of relationship obsessive compulsive disorder are relationship-centered OCD (ROCD Type I) and partner-focused OCD (ROCD Type II). While they differ in symptoms and may vary in treatment, both have a fundamental similarity — people living with ROCD are consumed with obsessive doubts or intrusive thoughts about their romantic relationship. The kind of obsessive thought pattern you might experience is what splits ROCD into two distinct classifications.

1. Relationship-centered obsessive-compulsive symptom (ROCD Type I)

Type I ROCD is when one partner is obsessive about whether the relationship is right for them, or when they’re obsessive about if their partner feels the same way about them. It causes someone to continually survey and analyze their relationship, asking themselves and those around them if the relationship is right.

What’s relationship OCD Type I like? 

You might wonder, do I really love my partner? Or does my partner really love me?

2. Partner-focused obsessive-compulsive symptom (ROCD Type II)

Someone with Type II ROCD typically picks apart their partner, continually analyzing every quality or trait (or lack thereof). They might become obsessed over their partner’s looks, social life, stability (financially, emotionally, etc.), intelligence, and morals.

What’s relationship OCD Type II like? 

You might feel like you love your partner but find yourself constantly worried about or questioning their intelligence, their personality, or any characteristic.

“If you’ve found yourself in the content provided so far, know that there is hope and that neither you nor your relationships need to continue suffering from obsessive thoughts.”

Talkspace therapist Ashley Ertel, LCSW, BCD

Symptoms of Relationship OCD

If you’ve ever found yourself wondering what’s relationship OCD and how do I know if my partner or I have it, understanding ROCD symptoms can help. There are several signs and symptoms you might experience if you’re dealing with relationship OCD, including: 

  • Having intrusive thoughts about your partner or relationship to the point that you’re unable to focus or you feel distracted
  • Constantly worrying and wondering if your partner truly loves you
  • Seeking reassurance continuously 
  • Feeling unusually concerned about how happy your partner is
  • Having an intense sense that you should have, or could find, a “better” partner, unsure they’re the “right person.”
  • Thinking often (or always) about the flaws you find in your partner
  • Experiencing intrusive thoughts about your partner or your relationship

ROCD can also contribute to relationship anxiety, distress, relationship doubts and more.

Causes of Relationship OCD

Just like with basic OCD, we don’t have a full and complete understanding of what, exactly, causes ROCD. Though research has been done, the truth is the condition isn’t entirely understood.  

It is believed, however, that several factors might play a role in someone developing relationship OCD. Some known factors that might increase your risk of developing R-OCD include:

  • Having trouble maintaining close relationships in your life
  • Significant change in activity in specific areas of the brain
  • Having a history of abuse
  • Experiencing an extreme trauma
  • Negative experiences in your past
  • Dealing with the loss of a loved one
  • Sudden or unexpected life changes like a new job, getting married, having a baby, or moving
  • Having a poor self-esteem
  • Certain attachment styles, like anxious attachment style

“Our individual attachment styles help us to better-understand how we show up in our relationships with others. While these attachment styles started forming even before we were born, we do have the power to make healthy and positive changes for the traits that are causing us distress.”

Talkspace therapist Ashley Ertel, LCSW, BCD

How to Cope with Relationship OCD

Relationship OCD can make maintaining relationships more difficult. It can make it not only difficult for you, but also for the romantic partner in a relationship with you. Nonetheless, a person with intrusive thoughts and compulsive behavior relating to ROCD can feel overwhelmed. That said, there are several ways you can learn to manage your relationship so it’s healthy and successful. The following coping techniques have been found useful for couples trying to navigate relationship OCD.

Be honest and communicate

Open communication, that’s honest and based on a foundation of trust, is important in any relationship. It’s downright essential in a relationship that’s dealing with OCD. It’s important for your partner to understand what you’re thinking and feeling. They should be aware of where you’re emotionally “at” so they can respond appropriately, rather than letting misunderstandings and miscommunications come between you.

Get support and help

If the relationship OCD symptoms discussed apply, getting the support you need can be crucial in ensuring your relationship survives. There are community support groups available for people who are living with OCD. These groups can be key in helping you figure out how to make your relationship succeed. Somehow, having the social support you gain from others who understand what you’re going through can be a game changer.

Encourage your partner to be more involved

Sometimes encouraging your partner to become active in your treatment can help establish trust and regain some of the intimacy you might have lost in your relationship. Additionally, a therapy session is generally thought of as a safe space, so it can be a neutral place for you both to openly discuss what you need to, without fear of being ridiculed or ostracized.

Don’t compare

It can be easy to compare our relationship to our friends, family members, or even those we see in the media, on social media, or on TV. However, doing so can create unrealistic, not to mention unhealthy, expectations about your relationship.

Make a list

For many of us, being stressed or anxious can make us focus on the negative aspects of our lives, like our relationships. Stopping that negativity in its tracks, perhaps by looking at the big picture of your relationship, can be done with a pros and cons list.

Take an in-depth look into your current relationship and pull out all the positives you can find. It’s easy to list the negative aspects first, so give yourself time and permission to work on this exercise in a calm, relaxed setting. 

Sometimes creating a list can allow you to see the big picture. Often, that will present in a more favorable light, which can help you put any distress or anxiety you’ve been focusing on into perspective.

Practice mindfulness

Obsessive thoughts can start when your mind has time to wander, or it doesn’t have something to focus on. Practice recalibrating your mind and thoughts throughout the day so you can start to catch yourself in the “act” before the snowball of obsessive thought patterns starts.  

To use mindfulness meditation, close your eyes, focus on your breathing, and think of a place or time that brings you peace and tranquility. Your goal here is to calm the mind before it begins to race. If you have trouble focusing, try downloading a guided meditation app. 

Own your feelings (but don’t get stuck in them)

You can learn to defeat the obsessive thoughts about your relationship. How? 

Learn your triggers by journaling: One effective strategy is by learning your triggers. Journaling can be a good way to identify what might be a trigger that sends you into a spiral of negative, obsessive thoughts. 

Talk to your thoughts: Obsessive thoughts can be the result of your mind trying to protect you from emotional pain that stems from past experiences. 

If you realize you’re starting to have obsessive thoughts about your relationship, try talking to them. It might sound silly, but it can work. Let your thoughts know they’re present, you’re allowing them to visit, but they cannot stay. Then, continue with your activities. If you start thinking again, remind yourself that you are in control. 

Your relationship is what you make of it, and your thoughts have no power over that. 

“Therapy can help with any sort of obsessive or compulsive thoughts and behaviors. Many clients with ROCD have found successful ways of overcoming their symptoms with cognitive and cognitive-behavioral therapy approaches.”

Talkspace therapist Ashley Ertel, LCSW, BCD

Treatment for Relationship OCD

If you think you have ROCD symptoms, it might be time for you to talk to your doctor. Learning how to treat your symptoms in an effective way can help you establish and maintain relationships that will be fulfilling and rewarding for both partners. 

Relationship OCD treatment techniques can include talk therapy and medication. Often a combination of these two options is most effective. 

  • Talk therapy: Talk therapy (also known as psychotherapy) offers a healthy, effective way for you to address the thoughts and behaviors that are adding to your relationship OCD. Online therapy is another option of talk therapy that can be beneficial for a person’s convenience. Having a hard time being assertive in your relationship, experiencing low self-esteem, feeling a lack of self-confidence, or lacking social skills can all interfere in a healthy relationship. Effective forms of talk therapy like cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) have been proven in studies to be extremely effective in treating various forms of OCD.
  • Medication: Medication to treat OCD has been helpful for many people, especially when combined with therapy. Selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs) are a type of antidepressant that have been found effective in treating OCD. Much of the research done on obsessive-compulsive disorder suggests SSRIs should be a first-line agent in treating OCD. Other options might include tricyclic antidepressants (TCAs) and benzodiazepines. 

If you’re in a relationship that’s being affected by ROCD, remember that help is out there. Talk to your doctor or reach out to a therapist to start the process of healing and rebuilding your relationships. You deserve to be happy, and with the right support, information, and guidance, you can be…in every relationship in your life.

See references

  • Doron G, Derby D, Szepsenwol O. Relationship obsessive compulsive disorder (ROCD): A conceptual framework. J Obsessive Compuls Relat Disord. 2014;3(2):169-180. doi:10.1016/j.jocrd.2013.12.005.
  • Cognitive behavioral therapy of obsessive-compulsive disorder. Obsessive-Compulsive Spectrum Disorders. 2010;12(2):199-207. doi:10.31887/dcns.2010.12.2/efoa.
  • Drug treatment of obsessive-compulsive disorder. Obsessive-Compulsive Spectrum Disorders. 2010;12(2):187-197. doi:10.31887/dcns.2010.12.2/mkellner.

Relationship OCD: Symptoms, Causes, Treatments

Written by Olivia Hart

Medically Reviewed by Poonam Sachdev on November 10, 2021

In this Article

  • What Is Relationship OCD?
  • What Causes Relationship OCD?
  • What Are the Symptoms of Relationship OCD?
  • What Is the Treatment for Relationship OCD?

Relationships are key to health and happiness. Strong, loving connections with friends, family, and romantic partners can boost your immune system, reduce stress, and help you feel like you belong. 

Romantic relationships can be some of the most important connections in a person’s life. A romantic relationship usually involves emotional and physical closeness built upon a deep connection between two people. Relationships often include commitments like living together, getting married, and having children.

Many people have doubt and uncertainty around romantic relationships. Relationship OCD (obsessive-compulsive disorder) is when your doubts and discomfort about a romantic relationship become uncontrollable and hurt the relationship. 

What Is Relationship OCD?

Relationship OCD (ROCD) is a type of obsessive-compulsive disorder. Obsessive-compulsive disorder is a mental illness that involves unwanted repeated thoughts (obsessions) and uncontrollable routines or repeated behaviors (compulsions) related to these thoughts. 

For example, someone with germ-focused OCD has an obsessive fear of getting sick. They might wash their hands at least 20 times a day to prevent germs from entering their body. The hand-washing compulsion may get in the way of their daily life.

What Causes Relationship OCD?

Experts aren’t sure of the chemical process in the brain that causes OCD/relationship OCD. It likely has to do with the way different parts of the brain communicate through hormones and electrical signals.

People with OCD often want to feel certain that things are just right or complete. A relationship can be an outlet for obsessions and compulsive behaviors about the relationship’s “rightness”.

What Are the Symptoms of Relationship OCD?

Relationship OCD symptoms include obsessive thoughts about the relationship that may show up in your behavior.

Repetitive thoughts. Relationship OCD causes repetitive thoughts such as:

  • “Are they ‘the one,’ or is someone else out there a better match for me?”
  • “Am I a good enough partner for them?”
  • “I didn’t feel turned on when they kissed me just now. Does that mean something is wrong with our relationship?”
  • “Do I really love my partner or am I just going through the motions of a relationship?”
  • “I noticed that another person was attractive. Does that mean I’m not faithful enough to my partner?”
  • “What if I’ve made a mistake by being in this relationship?”
  • “Am I leading my partner on if I’m not completely certain I want to be in this relationship forever?”
  • “I don’t think about my partner all the time - does that mean I don’t truly love them?”
  • “I’m terrified of being alone if my partner and I break up. ” 
  • “I didn’t feel overwhelmed with love for my partner today. Does that mean we’re not the right match?”

These thoughts can become so overwhelming that you can’t think about anything else.

Focusing on flaws. ROCD may result in an obsession with a flaw in your partner’s appearance or personality. You may have trouble overlooking the flaw even if it seems unimportant.

For example, your partner may chew food loudly in a way that annoys you. If you have relationship OCD, you might worry this is a sign that your partnership isn’t the right match. 

Asking for reassurance. You may repeatedly look for reassurance that your relationship is the right choice. You may ask friends, family, or others for their opinions on the relationship. You might also frequently ask your partner to say “I love you” or ask if everything is okay. 

Anxiety about impulses and urges in the relationship. It’s common to have passing thoughts of leaving or cheating on your partner. If you have relationship OCD you may obsess over those urges even if you don’t want to act on them. You might doubt your own commitment to your partner if you experience these urges at all.

Comparing a partner or relationship to others. You may often compare your partner’s qualities to those of another person. You may feel relieved when your partner has more of the other’s positive qualities or less of their negative qualities.

Trouble with sex. Relationship OCD may make it hard to enjoy sex with your partner. Your obsessive thoughts could distract you from being fully present during sexual activity.

What Is the Treatment for Relationship OCD?

Exposure and response prevention therapy (ERP) can be an effective type of relationship OCD treatment. This type of therapy involves slowly exposing yourself to triggers such as an unflattering photo of your partner. Over time, ERP can reduce the power of those triggers.

Some medications can also ease the anxiety and depression caused by relationship OCD. Serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs) are a common type of drug used in OCD treatment. These medications are usually available through a doctor’s prescription.

Obsessive-compulsive relationship disorder //Psychological newspaper

Until now, there is no single nosological form for an unambiguous and exhaustive definition of a number of disorders that are called "obsessive-compulsive". Moreover, there is a rather peculiar tendency to generate “new” OCDs when they try to separate into separate groups such variations of obsessions as “obsessive retention of information”, “obsessive doubts in relationships”, “obsessive jealousy”, etc.

Isn't relationship a family psychology?

Of course, for a long time, due to the lack of a unified theory of obsessive thoughts and actions, doubts that concerned, for example, relationships with a girlfriend, official or common-law wife, were tried to be analyzed within the framework of family psychology. When it was noticed that a number of individuals are characterized not only by overvalued, but also obsessive thoughts associated, for example, with jealousy, suspicion, inadequate emotions in relation to a loved one, then specialists from the clinical industry began to be involved in solving this difficult problem ( medical) psychology and psychiatry.

Is there something new in this topic?

The skepticism of many people is understandable. Nowadays, even thoughtful new developments are not always quickly accepted by the scientific community. And the topic of obsessive thoughts has always been a certain stumbling block, because there is no linear logic here, which is typical for simple cases that are associated with psychotrauma. The first thing that is expected of any researcher is a clear statement of the disorder or illness, because the very definition or term "relationship OCD" does not seem to inspire much confidence or theoretical reliability. This kind of phenomenon refers to obsessions of medium complexity of the neurotic and psychopathic registers.

Speaking in terms of already outdated terminology, then the OCD of relationships is OCD-neurosis + OCD-psychopathy.

You can talk about obsessive-compulsive disorder (although this term is also very inaccurate) only when the Yale-Brown test shows from 8 to 31 points. There may be a conditional distinction between diseases. Below the minimum mark (from 0 to 7 points) - anxiety and generalized anxiety disorders. Above the maximum mark (from 32 to 40 points) - very serious conditions, OCD psychoses. However, register and register-axial analysis of obsessive thoughts provides more accurate data.

Can this phenomenon be explained in a simpler way?

Of course, in this phenomenon there is nothing super complicated, mysterious or inexplicable for medical psychology or minor psychiatry. In fact, the clinical picture of obsessive-compulsive relationship disorder is closely related to certain psycho-traumatic episodes (neurosis). And this means that a person's life, long before the formation of obsessive thoughts of this kind, did not develop in a completely favorable direction. For example, a fairly large number of people suffering from obsessions-doubts "fall out of love-not out of love" in childhood did not see a full-fledged model of the family. Before their eyes, there was no example worthy of emulation of the relationship between a man (father) and a woman (mother). And according to the head of the rehabilitation center "School of Independence" V. Novikova, if at least one of the parents is absent in the family, such a family can already be considered dysfunctional. A child who grew up in such conditions, compared with peers, has a sharply reduced chance of recreating a full-fledged family of his own, because since childhood, such a person has not subconsciously mastered effective communication strategies. To all these issues, another significant nuance is added - various accentuations (problems, weak links) of character, which are very often acquired or inherited from relatives (or the closest environment), who also had a negative experience in building family relationships. The accentuation subsequently gradually begins to modify the various thoughts or ideas of the individual, giving rise to various varieties of psychopathic register obsessions (or OCD psychopathy). Summarizing the above, we can say that obsessive-compulsive disorder of relations is a systemic interaction of a neurosis (or several neuroses) and a personality disorder (which can also be several).

Can obsessive-compulsive relationship disorder even have different varieties?

Yes, and all varieties will depend on the destructiveness of the neurosis and the character accentuations “working with it in pairs”. For example, for people who did not grow up in a complete family (and this is already a psychotrauma), a certain promiscuity in choosing a partner may be characteristic (and from here obsessive doubts may follow), and for individuals who were brought up in complete, but specifically dysfunctional families (where for example, one of the parents abused alcohol, drugs, psychoactive substances), addiction strategies can become habitual. That is, such people will be more emotionally dependent on the love and attention of another person (wife / husband). Of course, in one article it is extremely difficult to characterize all the neurotic manifestations that may appear in a given case. In any given set of circumstances, the overall picture of obsessive-compulsive relationship disorder often looks like natural failures in attempts to build a family or even ordinary cohabitation. Here you can observe such nuances as:

  • misunderstanding of the purpose of family life (therefore, obsessions-doubts such as "need a family / do not need a family") may arise,
  • selection of deliberately unsuccessful partners (because of this, natural obsessive fears or insecurities),
  • "adjustment to people" (when the interests of one's own personality are taken into account very little),
  • overestimation of the quality of short-term relationships (when “love” is considered short-term meetings that last only a few months),
  • doubts about one's own feelings or emotions (persistent logical or illogical love/dislike obsessions),
  • attempts to build relationships in unstable or unpromising formats (distance, temporary relationships),
  • masochism (initially, a stronger spouse (husband) with sadistic inclinations is chosen), etc.

As a rule, the neurotic side of an obsessive-compulsive relationship disorder is quite easy to understand, and the person takes note of the range of issues that need to be worked out without any problems. A more complicated situation develops with the psychopathic component, because weak or negative character traits can be invisible to a person for many years. Obsessions of the psychopathic register depend on the accentuation of the nature and essence of those social relations in which the person is included. Accordingly, if a person is going to build family relationships, a personality disorder will manifest itself in one way or another. Consider a certain classification of psychopathic register obsessions with a family or romantic plot. If the respondent has a stuck (rigid, paranoid) character accentuation (OCD-psychopathy of relations with an obsessive accentuation), then doubts about the spouse's fidelity may become the predominant feature. The central idea of ​​this kind of thoughts will be constantly generated jealousy, estimates of the likelihood of betrayal, insecurity in a partner / partner even after providing convincing evidence of integrity and loyalty.

If, as a result of testing, emotive (labile) accentuation is detected (OCD-psychopathy of relations with emotive accentuation), then a group of obsessions is built, which are associated with doubts about emotions and feelings. Such people are especially prone to introspection and analysis of their relationship to others. They may doubt their love for a girl/boyfriend (wife/husband). Also, there may be weak control over the emotional sphere, and then such individuals for themselves cannot characterize what they feel. There is an "emotional storm" here, with extreme mood swings, an inability or inability to express emotions, often fleeting feelings are given more meaningful labels, and more fundamental foundations can be underestimated.

Pedantic (psychasthenic) accentuation (OCD-psychopathy of relationships with pedantic accentuation) also influences the format of various obsessions in a certain way. Respondents with a similar problem may have a need for super-strong structuring of both space and family (romantic) relationships. For such people, form gradually begins to replace meaning. A whole range of beliefs like "how a relationship or marriage SHOULD work" are built up. Accordingly, such obligations exclude spontaneity, and also contribute to severe stress, if, nevertheless, everything does not go according to plan. Often the "obsessiveness" of such relationships begins to manifest itself as an overly exaggerated distribution of responsibilities, lists of who should do what, a lack of a real understanding of the needs, motives and dispositions of family members. If in the anamnesis of such a person a special role is occupied by memories of family failures of his/her parents, then the systemic link "OCD-neurosis + OCD-psychopathy" will only contribute to pedantry, as well as the formation of despotism in such a person.

Sometimes pedantic accentuation can contribute to obsessive perfectionism and building a “perfect family”.

Anxious accentuation (OCD-psychopathy of relationships with anxious accentuation) also leads to the “promotion” of various obsessions, and the main obsession here may be doubt about the correct choice of partner / partner. In this case, awareness of the shortcomings of a loved one can lead to their exaggeration, repeated analysis, disturbing obsessive thoughts. This kind of development of events quite often leads to the fact that the person begins to fear various features of the wife/husband, etc.

Quite difficult to analyze is the OCD-psychopathy of relationships with cyclothymic accentuation. Because cyclothymism itself is a statistically significant factor in the development of any obsessions or compulsions, regardless of plots. In therapy, it is this character trait (if it is established by tests) that should be worked out first of all, otherwise the effectiveness of the psychotherapeutic effect may be insignificant. Given the constant "phase loosening" of the psyche, changes in mood, such people may be afraid to start relationships as such (which, of course, is wrong). In the phase of hyperactivity, such individuals may be satisfied with their marital status and will make plans for the future with a partner/partner. But during the period of subdepression, such a person can also experience various obsessions, which will be built around various doubts, fears that, according to their internal mental organization, he / she will not be able to make a loved one happy.

OCD-psychopathy of relationships with demonstrative (hysterical) accentuation also has its own characteristics. Here, family happiness can be overshadowed by the dispositions of a person who always wants to be in the spotlight and in the first roles. As a result, obsessions can occur that focus mainly on the unsuitability of a partner / partner, these can also be obsessive insults, accusations, attracting attention (that is, in addition to obsessions, compulsions also begin to be observed).

OCD-psychopathy of relationships with unbalanced (excitable, epileptoid) accentuation has a special structure. It assumes a combination of three unfavorable factors: irritability, poor control over the emotional sphere and a number of antisocial attitudes. As a result, in various ways, such a person may suffer from compulsive self-blame, guilt, impulsive obsessions (fear of hitting or injuring), doubts about whether attachment is needed for life, etc.

OCD-psychopathy of relationships with dysthymic or schizoid accentuation. Here you need to understand that to determine this phenomenon, you may need not only the Leonhard test, but also the Lichko questionnaire. By itself, distimism (introversion) cannot be interpreted as something abnormal, but if weak contact or disinterest in social interaction is also found, it is quite possible that we are talking about the presence of schizoid accentuation in the anamnesis. Here we can talk about the risk that it will be quite difficult for such a person to build certain relationships without therapy. It is quite possible that close interactions of this kind will be permanently delayed for various reasons. If such a respondent makes attempts to build a family, he may encounter such obsessions and nuances: an obsessive fear of relationships, insecurity in a partner / partner, self-accusations due to poor emotional and communicative flexibility, obsessive thoughts about going into loneliness, pathological jealousy, asthenia from - for unusual communication overloads.

OCD-psychopathy of relationships with exalted accentuation is the last option that can be found in practice in its purest form. Poor regulation of emotions is also noted here, but if with emotivity this process can be diverse and somewhere chaotic (it is difficult for a person to show or express emotion), then exaltation is a different polarity that can quickly alternate (very violent gaiety, and a quick transition to a state of despair and despondency). “Exalted loosening” of the psyche can contribute to the manifestation of such obsessions and psychological nuances: insecurity in a partner / partner, obsessive self-accusation due to character traits, doubts about one’s own emotions and feelings, panic attacks based on relationships, obsessive self-doubts due to unstable emotional background, fear of one's own reactions and their consequences, fear of saying or doing something shameful, etc.

It should be noted that there are also statistically significant pairs of accentuations that reinforce obsessions, for example: stuck-unbalanced, emotive-unbalanced, cyclothymic-exalted. If they are fixed by tests, then the psychocorrection of OCD psychopathy becomes more complicated.

Is there a good therapy?

Yes, definitely. Previously, no one divided obsessive-compulsive relationship disorder into subtypes, so various average options were often advised: CBT, psychoanalysis, gestalt therapy, etc. With the use of register and register-axial analysis of obsessive thoughts, it became possible to have a more “pointed” impact on the problem. Now it is possible to separately develop approaches for the psychocorrection of OCD neuroses and OCD psychopathy, to consider their functional relationships. There is an important possibility of systemic awareness of the elements that make up obsessive-compulsive disorder of relationships. It is important to emphasize that in this case, therapy will not take place in only one format. For example, working with OCD neurosis in this case involves considering traumatic memories of the divorce of parents, or scandals between them in a psychoanalytical way. And the therapy of OCD psychopathy will be built depending on the identified character accentuation. Then a person with a schizoid trait will need to be taught to communicate with various people, emotivity therapy will focus on emotion regulation techniques, unbalanced accentuation will be corrected with special attention to working out anger, elements of asociality, impulsivity, etc. Particular attention should be paid to the system " OCD-neurosis + OCD-psychopathy”, consider which neurotic elements feed and reinforce personality disorders, and vice versa.

Relationship OCD: How obsessive thoughts and doubts get in the way

Once we have dealt with an attack of suspicion or doubt in an unacceptable but successful way, we remember this attempt and begin to repeat it again and again. But since this solution is dysfunctional, we do not solve our problem, but only worsen it, thereby aggravating our situation and perpetuating the problem.

Mikhail Manukhin in the book Love in Doubt. Obsessive Compulsive Relationship Disorder lists misguided, dysfunctional ways to deal with anxiety. Here are some of them.

Which methods do not work?

1. An attempt to drown obsessive thoughts, to suppress, to throw out of the head. Unfortunately, the effect is just the opposite: the more bad thoughts are silenced, the more they fill the consciousness.

2. Appeal to your feelings in search of proof or answer. Listening to yourself: "Do I love my partner or not?" Looking into the eyes of another to determine his attitude. Why is it harmful? The more a person listens to the signals of the body, the more uncertain the reaction of the body can be. Emotions can either increase the degree of sensations, or, conversely, seriously underestimate them.

3. Use of repetitive actions and mental rituals. In an attempt to eliminate and/or control unpleasant feelings, fear and anxiety, some use ritual actions that, if repeated many times, can turn into compulsions. If a girl to neutralize the unpleasant thought “What if I fall in love with my boss?” spits three times over his left shoulder or taps his fingers with a complex rhythmic pattern, then this is the ritual of control. Any ritual in the end only enhances the emotions that accompany obsessions, thereby confirming the danger and significance of these thoughts, contributing to their more intense appearance.

4. Avoidance is the most common attempt by a person to cope with his fear. Avoidance is the best way to create and perpetuate a phobia. Fear feeds fear. The more a person resorts to avoidance, the more it confirms that he is not able to cope with his problem. And this leads to a new round of fear.

Typical avoidance patterns in O-OCD:

  • a young man who has doubts about his sexual orientation will avoid girls;
  • the girl does not go to the meeting of her boyfriend's friends because his ex may be there;
  • a wife avoids calling her husband, because if she hears a note of irritation or displeasure in his voice, then this will be an accurate proof of his dislike for her.

5. Representations from others. Self-distrust can be compensated by asking other people, especially close ones. They will certainly say if I am mistaken in something: “Do you really love me? Prove it. Kiss"; “Is he definitely not cheating on me at work with anyone? Tell me right away if you see anything suspicious." The more a person does not trust himself, turning to others for assurances, the more his feeling of his insolvency, uncertainty in his abilities to make a decision on a particular issue intensifies.

How to break the vicious circle

“The main task of the therapist, who works with the client on the problem of OCD relationships, is to block dysfunctional attempts at solution,” says Mikhail Manukhin. - And then the problem will at least stop getting worse, and at the maximum it will be unlocked and even disappear altogether.

Short Term Strategic Therapy (SST) developed by Paul Watzlawick and Giorgio Nardone is well suited for this purpose. The essence of the work is for the client to go through new emotional experiences that will help to destroy the painful consequences of experiences from a previous life.

The second tool is reframing, that is, finding new points of view on the situation.” In the book Love in Doubt, Mikhail Manukhin offers various exercises for therapeutic work. Some of them can be used as a self-help guide.

Here are two tasks from this book.

1. "Torture" by obsessions

Some may find this approach mocking. But it is precisely such an active, conscious movement towards the painful that often helps a person get rid of pain. The therapist's prescription reads as follows: