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About | From Forty With Love

Welcome to ‘From Forty With Love’.

This blog is an intermittent diary of my journey from 40 to 50 and beyond.

It’s a precious space for me to share the twists and turns of my life and everything I’ve learned about singleness, love, dating, relationships, childlessness, self-care, wellbeing, spirituality, finding and following my path, understanding my heart’s true desires and accepting my circumstances as I’ve moved into and through middle-age.

I began this blog as a 40-year-old single woman who fully expected to be a mother, who struggled to make a romantic relationship work, who had a habit of choosing unavailable men and pushing the available guys away, who lived alone in a flat in North London and who spent far too much time doing work that wasn’t aligned with my authentic self.

I’m now 51 and married to a wonderful man, living by the sea in Dorset with a gorgeous cocker spaniel called Layla. I am writing a novel (80,000 words and counting), I have published one non-fiction book, How to Fall in Love, and I have built a beautiful coaching practice, through which I support others to love themselves, create lives that they truly love and find love.

I do not have children – the result of a complex and complicated journey that you can read about in numerous posts on this blog (search motherhood, ambivalence, childlessness and baby to find the most relevant posts).

This blog is about authenticity, vulnerability, truth, change, blossoming, flourishing and thriving. It’s also about the pain that some of us have to go through in order to get to a good place in our lives. It’s about the work we have to do on ourselves to create the lives and relationships we deserve.

At the beach with my book

Since starting this blog just before my 40th birthday, I have transformed my life, my relationship status and my career.

I used to be a news journalist, a foreign correspondent based in Mexico and Brazil and a political reporter based in the British parliament. I reported on tsunamis, earthquakes and terrorist attacks and travelled the world with prime ministers, until I burnt out.

I now coach, write and speak, from the heart.

I write for the national media and speak on various stages on topics including love, dating, relationships, the challenges of mid-life, self-care and wellbeing. My writing has been published in Red, Psychologies, The Daily Mail, The Sunday Times, The Guardian and Good Housekeeping, among other media, and I’ve appeared on national TV and radio, including BBC Radio 4’s Woman’s Hour.

In 2017, I published my first book, How to Fall in Love – A 10-Step Journey to the Heart. The book mixes heartfelt memoir and self-help with the intention of supporting others to find love and create lives that they love.

I now lead workshops, coach individuals and groups and host retreats in the UK and abroad. Explore www.katherinebaldwin.com for more information.

So why ‘From Forty With Love’?

Initially, the name was about writing love letters to our younger selves, to share all the things we’ve learned to help our younger selves navigate their lives and perhaps avoid some of the heartache and pain we’ve gone through.

So if you could do this, what would you say? Would you tell your younger self to focus on staying slim above all else or to heed the opinions of others over her own? Would you advise her to work harder at her career and to concentrate on her achievements? Or would you tell her to follow her heart, to stop and smell the roses, to walk through her fears, to stay true to herself and to cherish love and relationships first and foremost? And what if those love letters could help younger women who are following on behind or encourage older women who are facing similar situations? What if your insight and wisdom could help another woman choose the path of the heart instead of the head, take a leap of faith, find help with her addictions or find comfort from her pain?

I hope that my younger self, by reading this blog, would find truth, wisdom and encouragement to live authentically and freely.

On my 40th birthday, March 2011

About me: I love to write from the heart, to share my experience with the hope of helping others. I love to laugh, dance, exercise, enjoy Nature, connect with others on a deep level, explore and to go on adventures.

I have had my own struggles: compulsive overeating, undereating, bingeing and starving from an early age, negative body image, low self-esteem, an excessive drive and a thirst for achievement that led to burnout, grief and depression following the death of a father I felt I hardly knew, more grief following the death of my mother, relationship difficulties and losses of other kinds.

At 40, when I began this blog, I was beginning to discover the true meaning and value of freedom. Freedom is all about following my heart, trusting my instinct, accepting myself just as I am and, one day at a time, throwing off the chains that restrict me from living a contented, abundant life. This isn’t always easy. I’m 51 now and I still struggle to follow my heart but that is my desire and I wish the same for everyone.

This site follows on from my first blog Just As I Am – An Experiment in Self Acceptance, which I began on March 9th, 2011. Throughout the 40 days of Lent, I tried to abstain from negative thoughts about my body, appearance and achievements and I blogged about the journey. I shared about my unhealthy eating behaviours, my struggles with perfectionism, procrastination and low self-esteem and my feelings around not yet having children. I incorporated the stories of individuals or organisations that were championing positive body image and self-acceptance. That blog took me through my 40th birthday. Turning 40 is a milestone in any woman’s life but it’s perhaps particularly significant for women who are single, without children or in career transition. I was all three, which is why I felt that was an exciting time and one worth writing about.

My own experience over the past decade or two is testimony to the power of shared wisdom, particularly among women. I feel passionately that we are doing each other a disservice if we don’t share with each other, support each other, reach out to each other and write it all down for others to learn from. What if someone out there is struggling with something that you also struggled with in the past? What if you could ease their pain or help them find solutions faster by sharing your story? What if we could help people choose a more loving path by sharing how we dealt with situations of grief, loss, ill health or heartache? What if your admission of an addiction or a health disorder prompts others to seek help?

I hope that the truth I share on this blog helps you to find your way in life and love.

Thank you for reading!

On my wedding day, June 29, 2019

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Victoria Gabrielyan: Online Dating

Published: March 5, 2016

Victoria Gabrielyan

Virginia, USA

Headings:

"Love will suddenly come when you don't expect it at all," Leonid Utyosov sang in "Merry Fellows". My God, how true is that.

I didn’t just wait for love, I demanded it immediately, this very minute, in order to prove to the whole world, and also to the person who stopped loving me, that I was still in demand, that there was still gunpowder in the powder flasks, that I was only forty (and not already forty), and I'm still hoo! And beautiful, and successful, and smart. Therefore, I did not come up with anything better than to rush to get acquainted on the Internet. I created an account on some dating site and sat down to wait for love ...

Since I am a biologist by first education, I approached the issue from a scientific point of view. I read a bunch of studies, psychological portraits of people who turn to this way of dating, and, of course, statistical calculations for America, Russia, Ukraine and Armenia.

According to faceless and average statistics (I'll make a reservation right away that the differences in the above countries are insignificant) there are more male Internet users than women. Maybe that's why there are more male profiles on dating sites. The only depressing thing is that (again, according to statistics) 60% of those registered on dating sites at the time of the search are already in a relationship. Mankind is incorrigible - loves adventures, and like hundreds of thousands of years ago, the male is looking for a female, forgive me my "scientific", not the female of the male.

When the social research agency PewResearch Center (an organization with a slightly religious bias) conducted its first survey 10 years ago, it turned out that 50% of Americans are currently registered or have at least once accessed such sites (can you imagine? every second one is on sites) . Of these, 29% because they are in despair and only 30% - "because it is convenient." True, in 2014 the situation improved somewhat: and already only 21% were in despair, the vast majority appreciated the convenience.

It would seem that the age of 25-34 is the best time and gives the most opportunities to meet a loved one without resorting to the Internet: studies, a new job, travel, high social activity, as it were, contribute to meetings. But no! This is the largest group of dating site users - as much as 30%, that is, almost a third.

Only 17% is left for my peers. Also nothing surprising - "thin dating market", in other words, a small selection of free partners.

In this age category, oddly enough, the percentage of female accounts is higher. Although it is also quite understandable. Men of 40-50 years old, if they have never been married, argue something like this: "it is better to be alone than to endure a wife," and those who are divorced argue in much the same way: "it is better to be alone than to endure a wife AGAIN." Therefore, there are very few men in this age group who are committed to a serious relationship. And worthy (according to our, female, understanding), the cat cried in general.

A woman needs love. Well, at least affection. And preferably both. And for life. And so that romance, and mutual understanding, and children, and grandchildren. Because maternal instinct has not been canceled yet.

For those who place too high hopes on dating sites, the statistics have the following data: ecstasy. Among this category of citizens there are many registered under fictitious names.

1/5 - asks someone to help in creating an account, most often they are women, so it is highly likely that someone else is using their “profile”.

And, finally, only 5% of dating site users bring things to a victorious end, that is, to a wedding.

And 88% still found their partners offline.

I was lucky. I got into both 5% and 88%, because I met my first American husband online, and the second - offline.

Therefore, there is nothing surprising in the fact that one day I decided to repeat the feat, considering myself an expert in Internet dating, and after a divorce from my first American husband, I created my account again.

700 messages arrived the next day. And this despite the fact that I set a fairly high bar: age (five to ten years older, it’s still nice when you’re a little girl, and at forty you can still be capricious, not seventy yet), height - well, at least like me - of average height, education - higher or something like that, income - high (it's better to dot the "i" right away, why pretend to be non-mercantile), hobbies - I'll adjust, if only the person was good.

Of the 700 I had to weed out those who cannot read, but can only look at photographs (and I put up notable photographs - who would doubt it). That is, everyone who is younger, who is lower in height and income, who is too religious, who did not finish school, and the Papuans, too, went to the ban (I have nothing against any people on Earth, but I still have preferences for personal relationships).

100 messages left after filtering. I answered 25 and went on dates. After the second date, she started a diary so as not to confuse potential suitors. And then I, too, you know, received pleasant messages, say, from John like: "Victoria, I really like you, a little about myself, let's meet." And the next day from the same John: "Linda, I like you, a little about yourself, let's meet." To prevent oops from happening to me, I had to write down names and dates in a "barn" book.

Despite everything, our age has its advantages. By the age of forty, I had acquired a philosophical view of many things that I would never have come to terms with before, I became more tolerant and tolerant. That is, I can quite calmly perceive any deviation from the generally accepted norm: “Well, yes, there are some oddities in him, but who doesn’t have them?”

For six months I went on dates as if I were going to work. You could write a book about that time.

I will tell you about five men who are remembered for being different from the rest of the group of adventurers and members of the "broken hearts club", but at the same time they had something typical of internet adventurers.

In America, I forgot how to meet people by their clothes. The absence of branded items on the applicant does not say anything about a bank account, or about generosity or stinginess. Many Americans have long lived by the principle of convenience is the best brand. They can spend a lot of money on membership in some VIP club and charity, and wear clothes from the cheapest supermarkets.

A Georgian came to one of the dates! Pleasure of sight and hearing! Immediately ordered a bottle of wine. To my timid one: but it won’t be a lot, after all, we are driving, - he raised the index finger of his right hand! Wah! Jigit!

In the spacious American prairies, a Georgian met a Latin American. She did to him the same as they once did to her: for $ 15,000, which she worked for three years cleaning toilets in middle-class houses, she got a fictitious marriage, received a green card, and then an American passport. And now it was not she who paid the benefactor, but the Georgians paid her. Their marriage was not entirely fictitious: they lived together and slept too. The Georgian, who had no education other than higher philological education - Georgian language and literature, worked out $ 15,000 by priming and painting walls under the supervision of the brothers of a Latin American. As soon as the residence permit was obtained, the semi-fictitious wife put the Georgian on the street and married the next contender for the green card.

I reached for a glass of wine, but the Georgian took my hand away and said:

- First, a toast.

There were a lot of toasts that evening and they started from afar. Because of the high mountains and blue seas, fast rivers, steep cliffs and cool gorges. Wise old men, noble, ardent Lezgins and Alkhetians, proud girls with tight braids and deer eyes. Beautiful Georgia, my love forever, flashed before me in the toasts of her beautiful and emotional son.

I had a wonderful evening, but I didn't answer his calls and messages anymore: I alone coped well with nostalgia, but together we can't cope.

I never met my former compatriots again. They look too much like me, and I wanted to start a new life.

John's father was Portuguese and his mother was Japanese. He was short, stocky, with a low forehead, slit eyes and beaver hair: John served in the American army. This is the same John who sent messages on dating sites according to the "copy-paste" principle, changing only the names - Victoria, Linda, Karen. And sometimes not changing.

I returned a message to him for Linda, signed "Victoria". And he apologized, immediately invited me to the most expensive restaurant in the area, met me after work on the Lexus, invited me home after dinner and took me through the rooms of the entire three-story mansion, not counting the basement.

According to my diary, I met twenty men. None of them stabbed me, raped me, forced me to have sex, stole my phone, purse, stole my car. Still, Americans respect the law and fear the police.

On the contrary, they tried to please. They were treated to dinners, invited to concerts and to the cinema. They went with me to the sports club and walked along the embankment along the Potomac.

Maybe I'm lucky for intelligent people? Or am I boring? But no one pushed me onto the bed as soon as I crossed the threshold of their houses, no one pressed me against the wall, no one tore off my clothes, no one growled.

It is not customary here to bring flowers on the first date and on the second too. They can give an inexpensive souvenir, send flowers to the house, invite them on a romantic trip nearby for the weekend, but this is only later, when the relationship enters the second phase.

John was divorced and had a six year old son. I have a newly born grandson, and he has a little son. And on the very first date, it was stated that no matter how our relationship developed, his son would always come first. We don’t meet on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays, because these days he takes his son to him and takes him to school the next day, that every second weekend he is with his son, that he is also on vacation with his son.

He loves Russian women. Yes! He had a Russian Irina or, as the Americans say, Irene. And he hoped that a blue-eyed, fair-haired, white woman would come to see him. And a brown-haired woman with brown eyes came, except perhaps also white. He must have confused me with Linda or Karen again.

We met with John several times. And then I ran away. And not from a small son or military orders, but from endless stories about an ex-wife. Stories-accusations, stories-denunciations. Resentments, petty quarrels, revelations. Dirty laundry, in a word. It didn’t let him go yet, he was not ready for a normal relationship. Seeking only temporary pleasures.

On the other hand, I learned a lesson with John: if a man starts talking about his ex on the first date, you have to step up. I still prefer men who focus their attention and admiration on me, and not on former or parallel ones.

Michael is an anesthesiologist. Looks like a teddy bear, Russian Prime Minister Medvedev and my cousin at the same time. I liked him. On the first date, he came with a map of the world and asked me to show him where Armenia is. The map was small in size, small Armenia was drawn on it simply by a contour, without a designation.

Walking with me through the picturesque foothills of the Appalachians and the second-hand bookshops of Georgetown, Michael talked about a failed marriage. The veterinarian wife asked Michael to buy her a new microscope. His laptop battery died and he opened his wife's laptop. And there - a long-term correspondence of his wife with a classmate! Her and his classmate! I learned from correspondence that they have been horrifying him and his classmate's wife for many years! Michael almost died. Especially when I put the question point-blank - I or a classmate, and my wife chose a classmate.

All life, so beloved by Michael, went to hell. Court, custody of teenage sons. He offered everything: a house (estate), payment for private schools for boys, cars, money. She gave up everything. She even left the children with her ex-husband and nanny, because she did not want to tear them out of their familiar environment - at home, everyday life, school. I rented an apartment and talked with the children three or four times a week. But most of all, Michael was finished off by the fact that a classmate did not leave the family.

I asked Michael :

- And if the ex-wife wants to return, will you forgive her?

Michael answered simply:

- Yes.

I didn't have any more questions and we didn't meet again.

I am lucky to have doctors. I met long-haired podiatrist Charles at a bar. Handsome, tall, blue-eyed. In faded jeans, a white golf shirt, and soft moccasins on bare feet. And in the yard - November.

I ordered a beer, I asked for wine. Didn't ask if I was hungry. He looked at me from head to toe, frankly not hiding. Praise the dress. He said that his favorite Russian writer is Mikhail Bulgakov. I even shed a tear. Neither before Charles nor after did I meet Americans who knew who Bulgakov was. And Charles read The Master and Margarita! He only told about his personal life that he lived with a girlfriend for 17 years, but never got married.

- Why? I asked.

- Because I'm not ready yet.

50 years old and not ready yet. Sometimes...

Half an hour later, Charles went to the toilet. A young woman sitting on a high chair at the bar next to me suddenly turned around and asked:

- Did you meet him online?

I jumped up and down (what's your business?).

And the woman continued:

- Excuse me, please, but on which site?

- Do you also want to meet him? I finally came to life.

- No, no! The woman looked at her neighbor. - I don't meet them.

And they laughed.

I could not find out the reason for their fun, because Charles returned. We chatted for another half an hour, I sat with my back to the strange women and watched the expression on Charles's face to see if he recognized them or not. But his face was absolutely "innocent".

It was time for me to go home, I have to get up early tomorrow. Charles paid for the drinks. I handed over $10 for wine. He took. Walked to the car. He kissed him on the cheek and promised to call tomorrow. An expensive sports car appeared in the rearview mirror, the engine roared, and Charles famously drove out of the parking lot.

The next day, Charles texted me that he liked me and suggested we become lovers. So I wrote. What to pull the rubber? Tonight at the barn. "You are attractive, I am damn attractive!"

I did not answer. Those young women were right, I don't date them either.

There are regulars and centenarians among the users of virtual marriage clubs. For years they have been looking for a wife, they take the search seriously, they fly all over the world to meet potential brides and ... they never get married. And I suspect that it's not that the brides are not suitable, but that the groom is not good. I also met this one. His name was Dave. He, too, was tall, with a noble gray hair and an intelligent look through the thin lenses of a gilded frame. Liked it right away. He bribed with frankness and interesting stories about traveling the world in search of a wife. On the first date, he made such a good impression that they agreed to meet in a week. Within seven days, SMS messages came about how it was left to wait six days before the meeting, then five, and so on. It's nice, damn it!

I went to the wrong restaurant on my second date. Messed up the address. Settled at the bar, waiting for Dave, ordered a glass of wine. Half an hour later, for some reason, an angry Dave appeared, threw a ten to the bartender, grabbed my hand (!) and dragged me to the restaurant that I needed and which turned out to be across the road. And three times the price! How should one react to such behavior? I sat dumbfounded and looked at the clock. The steak didn't go down my throat.

Dave apologized, and caramel speeches about distant lands started flowing again. He met and visited girlfriends in Russia and Ukraine, Turkey and Colombia. He brought a lot of souvenirs from Istanbul and, saying goodbye, gave me a nail file with a blue glass eye from the evil eye. In order not to anger the strange man, I accepted the gift and agreed to everything: a date in three days, a trip to the mountains for the weekend, a subscription to the "lose weight with a partner" program, a joint New Year's Eve and much more. The nail file, by the way, turned out to be excellent, I still use it.

Three days later, I politely declined a date - I had to sit with my grandson, my daughter is busy. In response, a message came: "Doesn't your daughter know that a mother should also have a personal life?"

Three more days later Dave just came to my house without an invitation. At that time I had a daughter with a grandson, and also my mother. And we did not expect guests at all. He came and rang the doorbell. I invited him in and asked him what he would drink. He walked through the rooms, asked if my daughter would soon sail home and if I wanted to go somewhere to unwind. I did not want to go anywhere with him, but my daughter asked me to take him away from home.

- Can you wait in the car while I get dressed? she asked.

- No, I'll wait here.

And I sat down on the sofa opposite my mother.

In the bar I paid for my wine with a card, but didn't even take a sip, because I was sitting stupefied by his arrogance, impudence and reasoning about American men as a select caste, to which women of second-tier countries should obey. I wanted to pinch myself: Am I dreaming? Or am I at a Ku Klux Klan meeting?

Barely took her legs. He called for a long time, wrote, demanded a meeting. I had to threaten the police

It took me half a year to realize that this time I had no luck with online dating. That flitting through dating sites is the same psychological addiction as computer or gambling. That having met a person you like, you still can’t stop and check your account again and again: what if someone even better, more beautiful, smarter, richer is looking for me? And you start to parallel - you meet several at the same time, and they also parallel you. You are confused, you can not understand yourself and others. You lie and they lie to you. You want one, you get another.

Sometimes you meet great originals in sexual preferences and desires. But more about that another time.

And when I deleted my account, I accidentally met someone I had been waiting for for many years. And everything worked out.

Quarantine experience of one decent girl - Personal experience on vc.ru

Iiii... It would seem that today's topic has nothing to do with the subject of my blog. But if you think about it… Dating in general and online dating in particular are all the same about communication skills and soft skills. Let's relax a bit today and have some fun! So, about non-corporate communications.

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Today, only the lazy or "digital vegan" doesn't know about Tinder. Personally, I learned about Tinder much later than the advanced layers of humanity, and I came there quite recently, in the summer of 2019. About everything in order. Who am I? And why did you decide to share your personal experience in such a delicate matter as searching for a serious relationship using the Internet?

My name is Masha. I have a lot of experience working with people, so the stories of human relationships are very interesting to me. How people get to know each other, how and why they find common interests, how they build personal and professional relationships. And most importantly - why they make mistakes that lead to quarrels, aggression, misunderstanding of each other. No, I'm not a psychologist. I work as a marketer, initially in digital, now in a wider field of marketing and in a large diverse team. Prior to that, she was an HR specialist for 7 years. In general, people are interesting to me in all the variety of characters and personal qualities, even unpleasant ones. As well as interesting and modern Internet technologies.

Why Tinder?

Did you know that the predecessor and progenitor of Tinder was the application Grindr (Grindr), designed specifically for gays? Yes, yes, Wikipedia knows everything and tells us about it. Funny, right? Those. Guys with non-traditional sexual orientation turned out to be technically smarter and more advanced than hetero! (joke).

Of course, there were many other dating sites and apps before Tinder. In my youth, I had a short and unsuccessful experience with them. Went on a couple of oh-so-very boring dates and, uh-oh, I scored. Retired.

Tinder. Traditional. Natural.

And after many years, good people came up with Tinder. So, where did it all begin… First, there was a story of one colleague, a serious and smart girl who shared the story of a worthy acquaintance on Tinder. My first reaction was, “Whoa? Are you on Tinder? Fi!" But then I thought. And the idea did not leave me for a couple of weeks. And I decided to register, being at that time in free solo swimming and a positive attitude.

The first thing I liked about the rules of the application, which no one can write to me: the familiar “Hey, beauty, what are you missing?” or a pointless “Hi. How are you?". I choose. I am chosen. And only if the choice coincides, communication begins. Wow! Exactly what is needed! I did not have time to study other rules and limited functionality of a free account. Rushed straight into battle.

Attempt No. 1. Conditionally successful with an unexpected result

Strictly speaking, at first it was a pure scientific experiment with clearly defined conditions.

Deadline: 2 days.

Age range: plus/minus 5 years from my age.

Geolocation: 14 km. Why so few? To make it easier and faster to meet. No one is going anywhere.

Purpose: an interesting acquaintance, an invitation to a date. If nothing exciting happens in 2 days, I promised myself to retire.

To be honest, I approached the registration of an account rather frivolously. 3-4 good photos and a short, discreet description of your hobbies. Nothing fancy or witty. I filled out the profile while lying in bed before going to sleep. And I was already falling asleep while scrolling through the pages of handsome men. Yes, to my surprise, there were a lot of cute ones! I put 3-4 likes or super likes (I haven’t figured it out yet) and fell asleep. “Tomorrow, with a fresh mind, I’ll deal with it all thoroughly.”

… In the morning, I already had a Match notice on my smartphone: “You have a new pair!”. And immediately a message from the guy with whom this match happened. I dump the dream: “Wow! Wow! It works! And how fast! The greeting was banal, but then things got better and more interesting with every word. Let's call the young man A. As they say, the "first comer" turned out to be so on my wave that it was hard to believe! I am always strict and fastidious in dealing with men, although I am friendly. A. didn't make a single communication mistake in the 3 days of our chat. He was very pleasant, polite and erudite. Already on the 2nd day, we moved our communication "Vkontakt". He asked the only right question if I was married. And when both of us received a negative answer to the question about the presence of family experience, A. immediately offered to meet. Bingo!

My good friend then said, “One of one. The best option!".

My attempt #1

And now I will significantly shorten my story and tell you what happened next in my first and only Tinder acquaintance at that time.

Yes, I really liked A. on the first date. It turned out better (!) than in the photo.
He liked me even more… A girl always feels.
We agreed on many points and stayed together for 7 months.
Until a certain critical moment, this relationship was the best in my life. He said that I had “eyes the color of summer” and looked at me with his sincerely in love with unusually blue eyes ... Now I’m going to cry! (joke).
We broke up on his initiative. Why? Conclusions - towards the end of the article.

A. simply concluded that I was not his ideal. And what is his ideal, I realized a little later. Already without emotions. But now is not about that. They say that for people with developed emotional intelligence, such a breakup does not become a tragedy, but just a chagrin. I was very hurt for exactly one day, then just sad for a couple of weeks, for about a month periodically rolled memories and all that. And then I calmed down. I was incredibly lucky to meet A. in my life, I discovered a lot in myself and in relationships, it’s just that A. turned out to be not my person. Do you understand what I mean? In addition, on Tinder you can meet an adequate, pleasant, educated and interesting man.

Attempt #2. Unsuccessful with predictable result

And now fly in the ointment. Pointing your finger at the sky and meeting a cool guy on the Internet is not always possible and not for all girls. A couple of months after breaking up with A., I returned to Tinder. But not with such a frivolous attitude. I decided to conduct a real analytical study of the male audience of Tinder.

The conditions of my second experiment were less stringent, but I relaxed them purely for scientific purposes.

Deadline: 1 month

Age range: ranged from minus 5 years to plus 10.

Geolocation: 14 km (remained the same for the same reason).

Purpose: Understand who? For what purpose? How do they get acquainted?

In two weeks I had about 20 matches and about 15 chats with men of different ages within my range of preferences.

The main question that torments most girls (including my friends): “Why don't half of the guys write themselves after the match? Well, why-u-u? First, yes, it is.

Approximately 50% of matches go into extended silence despite Tinder's thoughtful "chat with your mate!" notifications.

Masha, personal withdrawal

Secondly, I also tried to find and investigate the reasons for this annoying "why he does not write." The answer lies in the description of the types of men who are users of Tinder. I will not chew for smart girls. Now you will understand everything.

Type No. 1: a bored homebody. He is too lazy to write to you himself. Even if he writes, then the maximum that his imagination is enough for is “hello, how are you?”. With pleasure, he will shift all the initiative and responsibility to the girl. On a date with him, be prepared to maintain an interesting conversation on your own. "Homebody" is waiting for you to entertain him, because that's what he came to Tinder for. Sometimes among them come across smart, educated and well-read individuals, with a good sense of humor and manners. But they don't last long. After a few weeks or months, they return to their sofa, their computer and their closed inner world again. Because they do not know how to continue and develop a relationship with a girl. One is more comfortable and calmer.

And here I will summarize my first attempt and my relationship with A. I comprehended this conclusion a month after the breakup, after analyzing all the events. A., for all his interestingness and versatility, turned out to be a representative of the first type. He is a wonderful, intelligent man who has done many good things for me. It is not too late for him to jump out of this "psychotype". But only if he wants it. No girl will pump his emotional intelligence, communication skills, empathy and flexibility of thinking for him.

Type No. 2: Seeker of easy money. Waiting for an active and enterprising girl, prone to adventures and erratic, non-binding relationships. In fact, many of them have this written in their profiles, on the forehead: “I am only looking for sex, do not offer a serious relationship!”. He can write and start an active dialogue. But there is another tactic - expectant-breeding. Those. waits for the girl herself to take the initiative, and then reveals the cards. And it is more difficult for a girl to jump off - she was the first to start.

My new "match" was very decisive, he immediately wrote me a message. Obviously, he studied my profile, and knew how and what to talk to me about. His name was M. He honestly admitted that he was married, but "he hurried then, went on about public opinion." He assured that he was looking for the only one and for a serious relationship. During the same first conversation, without letting me come to my senses, he offered to take a walk around the city. I untwisted the communication further and was in no hurry for a date. Bottom line: the only thing that really interested him in girls was a beautiful appearance. He considered me too smart and difficult for a relationship, and ta-lady! ... offered meetings for the sake of sex. And I made another cool life conclusion for myself: “A man who offers relationships in the format of sex without obligations is equated to a woman with“ low social responsibility ”. At least in my worldview.

Here you can still single out those men who assure of the seriousness of their intentions, but in reality have not yet matured to them and are “in active search”. This means that such a guy grabs every more or less pleasant girl and actively moves towards rapprochement, but just as quickly loses interest and switches to another. In continuous search for the ideal!

A young man named I. immediately offered to talk on the phone at a convenient time for me, asked many serious questions, actively and quite interestingly led a conversation, really wanted to meet. And on the eve of the first date, I. sent me a message that he met another girl who was very interested in him, and, being an "honest person", cancels our planned meeting. Behind the ostentatious depth of personality here, most likely, lies the usual greed for female beauty and a penchant for diversity. I didn't get upset. And then I even thought: “Suddenly he really met his Fate?!”. I would like that to make that other unknown girl happy.

Type #3: Inactive user. Actually the most worthy guy, because he has something to do in real life. Surely, he has a solid and interesting job, enough friends and communication, there is more than one hobby and sports. But you won't catch him on Tinder, it's much more likely to run into him on the street! Simply put, he once registered for some reason and forgot. For him, access to the application is a rarity. He could like a couple of pretty young ladies on a rare free evening at home on the couch. And in the morning, go back to the bustling real life and not even notice any notifications about the match.

There were quite a lot of such men that I liked unrequitedly. It remains to be hoped that they really deserve attention, and one of them will definitely meet in the real space of life - me or other good girls.

Of course, there is a 4th type, which is called "happy exception". Normal guy. I dare say this because I've heard true "Tinder success stories" and I know a few good guys who are registered there and do not fit all the previous descriptions.

Some more conclusions about Tinder dating...

Most (I won't give my subjective numbers) male Tinder users don't have a specific target in their search. It's not a relationship, it's not a family, it's not sex. The goal is simply missing.
Many (again, I will do without numbers) do not know how to properly start an acquaintance, even if they still write themselves first. You understand that "hello, how are you?" - not the best option! (and I'm not kidding).
Those guys who go further, not all of them are able to interest me so that I, with trepidation and joy, agreed to the first date. It's difficult, no doubt about it. But they don't even try.
At the same time, many of the inhabitants of Tinder (although this also happens in offline life) sincerely think that they can communicate, and do not understand my unreasonable desire to interrupt communication.
After a day of correspondence, I already get bored. Usually.

A little about the outside, or a man's Tinder profile

I noticed such a feature that some of my peers look much older in the photo. Trying to fake age? Unhealthy Lifestyle? My overestimated criticality? I don't find an answer.
A photo in a suit is not always a sign of intelligence and intelligence.
I will delicately keep silent about those who post terrible quality photos taken in a dark room at night in a state of terrible hangover.

Life hacks for girls

In fact, not even life hacks, and not secrets. And elementary advice for young ladies who nevertheless decided to look for a serious relationship in the abyss of Tinder.
Choose really good photos, but without a hint of "nude". Decent men are more likely to be scared away by photos in swimsuits than they are attracted.
Beautiful photos of a girl are important for 100% of men, but not everyone reads an interesting profile description, 10-20%. Do not write long and ornate.
A quick request for your contacts, transfer of communication to social networks, instant messengers or even a telephone conversation does not mean anything. Be calm and don't rush to conclusions.
An invitation to a first date does not yet mean decisiveness, but rather curiosity. After the meeting, immediately ask yourself the following questions: 1) Was I interested? 2) Do I want to see you again? If at least one of your answers is negative, do not waste time.
And most importantly. If a guy is really interested in you and generally knows what he wants for himself, then he will always find time to write, quickly answer, meet. Do not look for excuses for those who show up every three days with a meaningless "hello". Don't get hung up on sluggish correspondence.

And yet Tinder is not useless!

With all responsibility I affirm that online dating is still useful. If you set yourself goals correctly, outline the circle of limitations, choose tactics, then you can learn a lot. In the "pre-digital age" people were much more competent in dating skills than they are now. But on the Internet, you can pump something. Sharing my list of skills and knowledge Tinder teaches:

Just a communication skill.
A more difficult skill to communicate with people who are not like us, and not always good. This is useful to recognize and cut them off in everyday real life. And do not start painful relationships or affairs with them.
Formation of clearer images of "mine/not mine". It was after all these stories with Tinder that I finally had a certain idea of \u200b\u200b“my person” (I don’t like the word “half”, because it’s better to be a self-sufficient person and build relationships with the same self-sufficient one).
And the last thing is the motivation for live acquaintances in your real "habitat". This desire really comes after a few months spent on Tinder or any other similar application. And where else to carry all these honed skills? Certainly not back to virtual reality!

After re-reading the article, she asked herself the question: “Mash, doesn’t this all smack of feminism?”.

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