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How to deal with overbearing parents


Overbearing Parents as an Adult - How to Deal?

By: THX0477

by Anne Freier

The days where parents would arrange your marriage and pick your profession are over (for most of us). And yet overbearing parents are on the rise.

Why is this, and what can you do if you are stuck with parents wanting to micro-manage your adult life?

The rise of overbearing parents

The modern reasons for overbearing seem economic. For some socioeconomic brackets we see a growing financial dependence on parents. For others, there is helicopter parenting to contend with — controlling children to ensure said children overcome economic inequalities.

Financial dependence on parents as young adults

If we stay dependent on our parents for longer, they become more involved in our lives.

Amid rising housing costs and stagnating wages, an increasing number of young adults are staying at home with their parents rather than move out and start their own household.  

A 2019 study found that the share of UK adults aged 20 to 34 living with their parents rose from 19.5% in 1997 to 26% in 2017. (1)

Obviously, in the UK this trend is most pronounced in high-rent cities like London.

But it can also be observed in other western countries. The American Census records show that the share of adults between age 25 and 29 living with their parents initially fell from 40% in 1932 to 13% in 1980, but then shot up again to 33% by 2016. (2)

When you live with your parents, they also tend to cook for you, wash your clothes, and care for you in a myriad other ways.

But if you remain dependent on your parents, letting them make you dinner every day, or supplement your pay check? They will continue — whether intentionally or unconsciously — to see you as their “child”. And with this viewpoint comes continued parental guidance.

Helicopter parenting easily becomes a lifelong habit

A trend toward fewer children per family and growing economic inequality in recent decades have encouraged the rise of helicopter parenting. (3) This sees parents not only spend more time, effort, and money to make sure their children get ahead in life, but manage every facet of their children’s lives and set detailed goals for them.

 Research on the subject has shown that helicopter parenting correlates with higher inequalities of income and education. Egalitarian countries with strong social safety nets, like Sweden or Denmark, do not see a lot of over-parenting, as parents can be much more relaxed about their children’s futures. (4)

photo by Emile Guillemot

An extensive body of research suggests that helicopter parenting can be detrimental to children’s development. It can lead to such thing as academic burnout and social anxiety, both during childhood and later on in life. (5,6)

And after years of over-parenting, even when children become young adults? Helicopter parents can find it difficult to break the habit.

Social media and parental engagement

The role of social media and 24/7 communication connectivity also deserves a special mention in any talk of over-parenting.

In the 1980s, when you went to college or started a new job in another city, your parents had no idea whom you’d hang out with, or where you’d party.

Today, thanks to the likes of Facebook and WhatsApp, they can stay involved in your life even from hundreds of miles away, know who boyfriend is, and where your friends are from.

When does caring turn into overbearing?

The difference between caring and overbearing parenting is somewhat fluid. But overbearing parental behaviour typically starts when parents:

  • keep going on about the same issues
  • completely ignore your privacy
  • try to pressure you to make certain decisions
  • use soft power to pressure you (emotional hostage taking)
  • or hard power to pressure you (withholding material support)
  • use “infantilisation”, discounting your opinions and ideas as “immature”.

How to gain freedom from overbearing parents?

1. Take ownership of your own life.

You may not be able to rent your own place right away, or repay college debts without your parents’ help. But try to take care of life’s small and big things yourself as much as possible. Yes, it might need effort. It might mean learning how to cook, or doing your own insurance paperwork.

By: Joseph Novak

2. Set clear boundaries.

Set clear boundaries to protect your privacy, both in the physical and virtual world. Parents shouldn’t visit your room or flat without your pre-approval.

If you live together in one home, it may be worth staking out your own designated space in public places, like the living room and fridge.

Parents also don’t need to be your Facebook friend.

3. Establish your own routines. 

When you live with parents, establish your own routines and buy your own stuff, as if you were living in a separate household.

4. Demonstrate to your parents that you are fine on your own.

Over-parenting isn’t an evil plot to control your life, but tends to stem from genuine concern, and a feeling that as parents they know what’s best for you.

Try to identify the things they worry about most (that you probably already know perfectly well) and then be honest to yourself. Do they have a point on some issues?

This isn’t asking you to ditch your girlfriend because mom doesn’t like her. But there will be some things where your parents’ concerns are justified.

Addressing and improving some of these things will go a long way to show your parents that can you manage well on your own.

5. Clearly communicate your expectations.

It’s time to have a frank discussion with your parents about what you, as a young adult, expect out of the relationship, and how it’s different from when you were a kid. Let them know you appreciate their concern and love, but they have to allow you to lead an independent life.

Be calm and non-confrontational about it, not saying “You always…, you never…” but rather focusing on an approach of, “I feel — when you do/say this”,  “I expect…” or “I would like to see more of…” .

6. Limit your availability.

This is only an issue if your parents take your 24/7 availability for granted, such as when mom checks in on you too frequently, or when dad presumes you need to accompany him every time he goes to IKEA.

Set guidelines for when it’s ok to call you for anything other than emergencies — for example between 8-10pm on certain weekdays. And let them know if you want a Saturday to yourself.

7. Encourage your parents to take on hobbies or find new friends.

The more time your parents spend doing something else, the less they’ll be focused on worrying about your life.

‘Can therapy help me be more independent?’

Struggling to break free of family? Can’t seem to ever succeed at a job, or still don’t know what you want from life? 

Talk therapy isn’t just for when life is going really badly. It’s also excellent for when we feel a bit lost, aren’t sure of our own resources, or are lacking the resilience needed to get ahead. A therapist can help you recognise what you want, set goals, and actually achieve them this time.

Need help breaking free of overbearing parents? We connect you with top London talk therapists. Or use our booking site to find a UK-wide registered therapist near you as well as online talk therapists you can work with from wherever you live. 

Still have a question about overbearing parents? Want to share your story with our readers? Use the comment box below. 

 

Anne Freier is a medical and science writer. She has an MRes in Biomedical Research and a MSc in Neuroscience & Neuropsychology.

 

 

REFERENCES 

  1. “One Million More Young Adults Living with Their Parents than Two Decades Ago.” Civitas: Institute for the Study of Civil Society, 8 Feb. 2019.
  2.  D’Vera Cohn, and Jeffrey S Passel. “A Record 64 Million Americans Live in Multigenerational Households.” Pew Research Center, Pew Research Center, 5 Apr. 2018.
  3.  Matthias Doepke, and Fabrizio Zilibotti. Love, Money & Parenting : How Economics Explains the Way We Raise Our Kids. Princeton, New Jersey ; Oxford, Oxfordshire, Princeton University Press, 2019.
  4. Matthias Doepke, and Fabrizio Zilibotti.  “The Economics of Parenting | VOX, CEPR Policy Portal.” Voxeu.Org, 2014.
  5. Love, Hayley, et al. “Helicopter Parenting, Self-Control, and School Burnout among Emerging Adults.” Journal of Child and Family Studies, 21 Sept. 2019.
  6. Asbrand, Julia, et al. “Maternal Parenting and Child Behaviour: An Observational Study of Childhood Social Anxiety Disorder.” Cognitive Therapy and Research, vol. 41, no. 4, 18 Jan. 2017, pp. 562–575, 10.1007/s10608-016-9828-3.

9 Ways to Deal With an Overbearing Mother

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Published: August 5, 2022 Updated: October 11, 2022

Published: 08/05/2022 Updated: 10/11/2022

Overbearing mothers hover, criticize, and overstep boundaries, which can lead to a host of challenges for their adult children including low self-esteem, dependence, and perfectionism. These mothers may think they are doing what’s best for their children, but ultimately their hovering causes harm. Some ways to deal with an overbearing mother include setting limits, increasing confidence, and building a strong support system.

A therapist can help you learn to set boundaries with an overbearing mother. BetterHelp has over 20,000 licensed therapists who provide convenient and affordable online therapy. BetterHelp starts at $60 per week. Complete a brief questionnaire and get matched with the right therapist for you.

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Overbearing mothers tend to be overly critical and overstep boundaries as a result of their controlling nature, authoritative or authoritarian parenting style, or narcissism. This can sometimes be rooted in fear or anxiety about their child’s safety or performance or their own childhood trauma, or they may simply believe that “mother knows best. ”

Regardless of the reasons, there are some telltale signs of overbearing mothers and tools for dealing with them.

Here are ten signs of an overbearing mother:

1. She Voices Unwarranted Opinions About Your Personal Life

Overbearing mothers won’t hesitate to say what they think, and their opinion about relationships is no exception. She may criticize her children’s choice of partners and feel deep down that no one will ever be good enough for their child.

2. She’s Still a Helicopter Parent, Even When You’re an Adult

A  helicopter parent hovers, controls, and tries to monitor their children’s every move. This can greatly impact one’s ability to develop independence, confidence, and autonomy as an adult, and may result in codependent behavior.

3. Constant Criticism

Overbearing mothers may nitpick and criticize their children about small things. This leads their children to feel like nothing they do is ever good enough, and can create problems with self-esteem and self-doubt that continue into adulthood.

4. Unsolicited Advice

She’ll give her children advice about everything, whether they ask or not. She often tells them what to do and how to do it. This gets in the way of her children learning to solve their own problems and undermines their confidence.

5. Unannounced Visits

Overbearing mothers believe that boundaries don’t apply to them, and have no regard for their children’s personal space. They may drop by uninvited or even unannounced and expect their children to drop everything and be available for them. They may even go as far as being hurt or offended when their children aren’t available for these unplanned drop-ins.

6. Perfectionism

This type of mother may be a perfectionist and can criticize, complain, or nag if their child delivers less than perfect results in all areas of life. She may not have patience for human mistakes because of how this will reflect on her, or because of her anxious desire to control.

7. She Expects Special Treatment from Her Children

This goes beyond advocating for her children and into inappropriate overstepping. Overbearing mothers expect others to clear the path, provide special treatment and make sure their kids get the recognition they think they deserve. The problem with this is it takes away the opportunity for kids to learn the value of working towards goals and celebrating their own achievements.

8. Feelings Are Not Allowed

Overbearing mothers often have no patience for negative emotions. When their child is upset or angry, they respond with scolding or criticism, and their children learn to stifle their emotions to keep the peace.

9. Their Love Is Conditional

Children with overbearing mothers often feel that they have to earn their mother’s love. Just being who they are is never enough–they have to perform to their mother’s satisfaction to receive her affection.

10. Rigid Rules & Expectations

Overbearing mothers expect things to be done a certain way, and only that way. When their children fail to meet their high standards, these mothers may react harshly, with criticism and strict punishment.

Effects of Overbearing Mothers

Being raised by an overbearing mother can result in low self-esteem, self-doubt, and dependence on others. Children of overbearing mothers may grow up to be entitled and expect everyone to make things happen for them, because they never had to struggle to achieve things on their own or learn to problem-solve.

Daughters of overbearing mothers may have issues with self-worth and body image due to their mothers’ constant criticism. Sons of overbearing mothers may find that they have problems in their relationships due to their mom’s controlling behaviors and lack of boundaries.

Ten effects of being raised by an overbearing mother include:

1. Perfectionism

Perfectionism is often driven by a desire to avoid criticism or shame. Children of overbearing mothers may find that they are anxious and fearful about falling short or making mistakes, so they attempt to do everything perfectly to gain approval.1

2.

Low Self-esteem

People with low self-esteem doubt their abilities, don’t trust themselves to succeed, and have negative self-talk. Often, this self-talk comes from things they were told in their childhood; it stands to reason that an overbearing mother who often criticized and shamed her children would result in adults with poor self-esteem.

3. Lack of Emotional Maturity

People with demanding, controlling mothers often find that they are not allowed to have feelings, and certainly aren’t taught how to deal with feelings and regulate their own emotions. For this reason, they may have a hard time coping with or expressing tough feelings, and may act out or shut down.

4. Low Self-Efficacy

Self-efficacy refers to the belief that one can achieve what they desire, motivate themselves, and have autonomy over their lives.2 Children of overbearing mothers struggle with this because their mothers always swooped in to handle things for them, so they weren’t able to learn to count on themselves.

5. Anxiety & Depression

Research suggests that children of overbearing or helicopter parents report lower psychological well-being and are more likely to be medicated for anxiety and depression.3 Because of their helicopter mother’s behavior, they may have a more difficult time adjusting to life as adults, resulting in poorer mental health.

6. Entitlement

Children who are raised by overbearing mothers are associated with having a sense of entitlement, which can create consequences in academics and life. Entitled people expect others to solve and fix things for them, which can result in a lack of motivation.4

7. Emotional Dysregulation

When mothers always swoop in and don’t allow their children to learn to problem-solve or self-soothe, it results in these children being unable to manage their own emotions, otherwise known as emotional dysregulation. This can lead to difficulties in interpersonal relationships down the line.

8. Lack of Boundaries

People who were raised by overbearing mothers never learned to set boundaries. Their mothers’ enmeshment and lack of separation taught them that their needs didn’t matter, and to only pay attention to what their mother wants and needs. In order to keep the peace, they often grow into adults who don’t know how to set boundaries or say no.

9. Lack of Effective Coping Skills

As with emotional maturity, people with overbearing mothers often didn’t learn the coping skills they needed to face adversity or deal with struggle. Their mothers were always right there fixing and controlling everything rather than teaching their children the skills to deal with tough situations themselves.5

10. A Fixed Mindset

Children with overbearing mothers have been shown to grow into adults with a fixed mindset, which means they lack the flexibility of thinking and ability to face challenges that are needed to succeed in college and in the workplace. 6

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How to Deal With an Overbearing Mother

While it is true that being raised by an overbearing mother can be difficult and result in long-lasting effects, there are steps that their children can take to move forward. These include developing their own sense of self, building their confidence and self-efficacy, learning to communicate effectively, regulating emotions, and setting boundaries.

Here are nine things you can do to deal with an overbearing mother:

1. Talk to a Therapist

A licensed therapist can help children of overbearing mothers change old patterns, learn to communicate more effectively, set boundaries, and build their self-esteem. Many people find therapy very helpful for issues relating to their family of origin.

2. Set Limits & Boundaries

Setting strong limits and boundaries helps reduce stress, limit the build-up of resentment, and can increase well-being. Adult children of overbearing mothers need to learn that their needs matter too and that it’s good to set boundaries around their time, energy, and space.

3. Build a Solid Support System

Overbearing mothers can instill a belief in their children that they can only count on mom to be there for them. This can create an unhealthy, dependent, and enmeshed relationship. It is important for people to build a strong support system aside from their family of origin so that they have people to turn to, laugh with, and be their true selves around.

 4. Communicate Your Needs

Learn to communicate clearly and directly. Communicating too passively can result in needs not being met, but communicating aggressively can result in defensiveness from the other person. The sweet spot for healthy communication is right in the middle: clear, direct, firm yet kind. Remember that expressing needs is nothing personal against mom, but rather it’s a way to practice self-care!

5. Develop a Growth Mindset

People who grew up in this type of family may find that they give up when things don’t come easily, or they feel like if they aren’t good at something there’s nothing they can do about it. A growth mindset shows that new knowledge and skills can be learned with practice. This can be a great self-esteem and confidence booster.7

6. Learn New Skills

Learning a new skill, hobby, or subject can help one develop a stronger sense of who they are and what they like, can help build confidence and provide an outlet for well-being, stress relief, and meeting new people.

7. Relationship Counseling

Sometimes, the effects of an overbearing mother may play out in romantic relationships. People may expect too much from their partners, have difficulty communicating their needs, or struggle to set boundaries with their mom, all of which can be harmful to a relationship. All of these things can be addressed in couples counseling.

8. Practice Mindfulness

Mindfulness can help someone who grew up with an overbearing mother tune in to, recognize, and start to regulate their emotions with compassion and without judgment. This is an important life skill that they may have never been taught and can help them manage some of the effects of an overbearing mother.

9. Set Personal Goals

Children of overbearing mothers often didn’t get the chance to develop their own goals and work toward them, because their mother was always telling them what their goals should be. Setting some personal goals and working toward them step by step is a great way to develop the confidence and self-efficacy that wasn’t learned in childhood.

The Importance of Setting Boundaries With Overbearing Mothers

Overbearing mothers often push boundaries because they feel entitled to every part of their children’s lives; however, having boundaries is an important part of being a healthy, functioning adult. Some may find that when they first start to set boundaries, their mother may push the limits and test the boundaries because she isn’t used to being told no. Ultimately though, holding the boundaries will not only improve well-being and self-esteem, it very well may improve the relationship with the mother as well, allowing for fewer opportunities for stress and resentment to build up when the overbearing mother oversteps

When & How a Therapist Can Help

When family relationships have an ongoing negative effect on one’s life, career, mental health, or relationships, it may be time to talk to a therapist. Individual therapy can help someone learn to set appropriate boundaries and practice healthy coping skills. Family therapy can help family members learn to communicate clearly and understand each other’s needs better. Group therapy can be especially helpful when concrete life skills or support are needed. A therapist may also be able to help you determine whether the relationship with your mother can continue—this is a tough choice to make, but for some, disconnecting is the only way to find peace.

There are many resources available for finding a therapist, including talking to your doctor or a trusted loved one, or searching an online therapist directory.

Final Thoughts

Overbearing mothers can do great damage to their children’s self-esteem, emotional regulation, success, and relationships, often without even realizing it. The longer these issues linger, the more difficult it becomes for the child. The sooner you can set boundaries or address the effects of an overbearing mother, the sooner you can reach your goal of living a fulfilling, happy life.

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For Further Reading

  • Narcissistic Mother: Tips to Cope with Narcissism in Parents – CBT Psychology
  • The Happiness Plan for Adult Children of Toxic Parents – Toxic Mom Toolkit
  • Family Estrangement: Advice and Information for Adult Children – Stand Alone

7 sources

Choosing Therapy strives to provide our readers with mental health content that is accurate and actionable. We have high standards for what can be cited within our articles. Acceptable sources include government agencies, universities and colleges, scholarly journals, industry and professional associations, and other high-integrity sources of mental health journalism. Learn more by reviewing our full editorial policy.

  • Brown, B. (2010). The gifts of imperfection: Let go of who you think you’re supposed to be and embrace who you are. Simon and Schuster.

  • Van Ingen, D. J., Freiheit, S. R., Steinfeldt, J. A., Moore, L. L., Wimer, D. J., Knutt, A. D., … & Roberts, A. (2015). Helicopter parenting: The effect of an overbearing caregiving style on peer attachment and self‐efficacy. Journal of College Counseling, 18(1), 7-20.

  • LeMoyne, T., & Buchanan, T. (2011). Does “hovering” matter? Helicopter parenting and its effect on well-being. Sociological Spectrum, 31(4), 399-418.

  • Segrin, C., Woszidlo, G., Givertz, M., Bauer, A., & Murphey, M. T. (2012). The association between overparenting, parent-child communication, and entitlement and adaptive traits in adult children. Family Relations, 61, 237–252.

  • Odenweller, K. G., Booth-Butterfield, M., & Weber, K. (2014). Investigating helicopter parenting, family environments, and relational outcomes for millennials. Communication Studies, 65(4), 407-425.>

  • Schiffrin, H. H., Yost, J. C., Power, V., Saldanha, E. R., & Sendrick, E. (2019). Examining the relationship between helicopter parenting and emerging adults’ mindsets using the consolidated helicopter parenting scale. Journal of Child and Family Studies, 28(5), 1207-1219.

  • Dweck, C. (2016). What having a “growth mindset” actually means. Harvard Business Review, 13(2), 2-5.

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Authoritarian parents

Tatyana Tkachuk: “I always get very nervous when the topic of powerful parents is brought up. My mother has been trying to put a strong motherly hug around my neck since I was born. I managed to break free at the age of 18, but so far, and I’m already 36, she comes to my house and looks into my refrigerator without hesitation, says how I should rearrange the furniture, who to meet and who not . .. ”.

What are the children of authoritarian parents like? And is it our own business how exactly we raise children?

The guests of the studio today are family psychologist Marina Berkovskaya and Professor Pavel Semenovich Gurevich, head of the Institute of Psychoanalysis and Social Management.


Authoritarian parents, which we are going to talk about today, have a lot of guises. And I want to start with an attempt at a portrait. What do they look like, authoritarian parents, how do they behave, and how do you recognize them? How will those people who will listen to us understand that they grew up in a family of authoritarian parents, or that they themselves are authoritarian parents? Pavel Semenovich...


Pavel Gurevich: There are several signs of an authoritarian parent. First, the authoritarian parent perceives the child as a small adult. That is, there is no age line between the child and the parent. I will immediately give an example related to observations. Here is a young, well-groomed woman, and next to her is a boy, he is holding a balloon. The balloon burst unexpectedly. The child began to cry. Mom said: "Well, why did you burst into tears?! .. Just think - a ball ...". We can say that this woman is authoritarian, in a certain sense. Because the first sign of an authoritarian personality is that she builds an abyss between herself and the child, revealing complete deafness to his emotional world. He is different. For him, a burst balloon is a life catastrophe. For her, it's a trifle. This is the first sign, obviously.

Well, another sign is constant control over the child's behavior, eternal notations, that is, admonitions, aggressive morality: "Here you went the wrong way, you did the wrong thing ... This is an unworthy act!" Probably, here is such a portrait as a whole, which we will supplement, obviously.


Tatyana Tkachuk: Thank you, Pavel Semenovich. Marina, what are your observations?


Marina Berkovskaya: On the one hand, emotional deafness to the age of the child, to his values. On the other hand, for me, this is a sign of authoritarian parents - even if my mother is sweet, sweet, tender, gentle, this is an appeal to the fact that “you owe me because I am a mother.” "You have to call me every half an hour." "Mom, but why?! ..". “I am your mother! I worry".


Tatyana Tkachuk: Well, in general, such a recognizable and not very pleasant portrait. I might add a little more. One of the American psychologists 30 years ago identified 4 parameters for changing parental behavior that affect the formation of certain features of the child. These are parental control (which Pavel Semenovich has already mentioned), parental requirements, ways of communicating with children in the process of education and emotional support.

Pavel Semenovich, from what they haven't said yet at the beginning of the program, what do these parameters look like in authoritarian parents?


Pavel Gurevich: Well, firstly, I would like to add one more touch to this portrait, referring to Fromm's work. In general, the concept of "authoritarian parent" appeared after the publication of the work of Theodor Adorno, a well-known psychoanalyst, "The Authoritarian Personality". Then this concept began to be used by all people from the Frankfurt School, including Erich Fromm. Here Erich Fromm adds another feature of an authoritarian parent - this is a "person-owner". That is, he considers the child as his property.


Tatyana Tkachuk: And immediately - a question, Pavel Semenovich. Is he always aware of this, this authoritarian parent, or can it be subconscious? Does he understand that he considers the child as property?


Pavel Gurevich: Well, obviously, yes. Because, say, from clinical practice, I can give such an example. A young woman, she was a fourth-year student at the Institute of International Relations at that time. Father - Doctor psychological sciences. The family is prosperous, they have their own business. The girl Ksyusha, well, a young woman, says: “Dad, I would like to have my own business. I want to open a cafe." He says: "No, you will participate in my business." She says, "Why? I want to try my hand at self-employment." And then a good phrase comes out of his mouth, he says: “I gave birth to you for myself!”. This is probably the answer to the question. An authoritarian person is always convinced that he gave birth to a child not for an independent, autonomous life, but for himself, this is his property. That is why he is authoritarian.


Tatyana Tkachuk: Thank you, Pavel Semenovich.

And right away, in order to remove this issue for us... I know that many supporters of patriarchal education confuse authoritarian and authoritative parents. That is, you try to talk to them about authoritarianism - and remarks begin to sound that "a parent should be an untouchable authority for his child." So, as a result, authoritative parents grow up initiative, kind and sociable children (despite the fact that ridiculous children's whims can be suppressed quite harshly in such families). But we will try to give a portrait of the children of authoritarian parents during today's program in sufficient detail and completeness.

Marina, how would you describe the difference between an authoritative parent and an authoritarian parent?


Marina Berkovskaya: Well, for me, an authoritative parent, just like an authoritative person, is a person who has something to respect, and not just for the fact that "he is my mother." That is, this is the person whom I have something to respect for, whose opinion is important and interesting to me, in whose competence I am absolutely convinced, and whom I am proud of.


Tatyana Tkachuk: Thank you, Marina. But this is a rather complicated formulation. Because if a child is 3 years old, then he does not really understand whether he has objective grounds to respect his, for example, mother for some reason, other than the fact that she is his mother. That is, it is good for an older child.

I will ask Pavel Semenovich to answer the same question.


Pavel Gurevich: You know, the difference between these concepts of "authoritative" and "authoritarian" is precisely in Fromm's work. He specifically dwells on this, because the root is one, but the meaning is different. So you are talking about the fact that the child is not mature enough to judge: is the mother authoritative enough, or is she just so (speaking in our language) authoritarian? But then we can say that this child idealizes the mother. Here, no one idealizes an authoritarian mother, but an authoritative mother ... “My mother is the most beautiful! She is the smartest! ”, - this, in the children's understanding, is authority. But as we are already saying here, if it’s just “I am a mother, and you must obey me in everything” ... You know, that’s when mom comes and says: “I have such a request for you, as a psychoanalyst. Make sure that the child always obeys me. And we say: “Just think about what you are saying! You probably mean that he should be more obedient. And if he always obeys you, then what kind of child will he be? .. Then don’t be surprised when he brings a girl at the age of 20-30 and says: “Mom, can I marry her?” Because you taught him that he cannot have independent decisions, independent emotions. This is what I think is the difference.


Tatyana Tkachuk: Thank you, Pavel Semenovich. Marina, would you like to add something?


Marina Berkovskaya: In principle, for a small child, a mother is the Mother Universe, she is not only the best, but she is the whole world. She is initially authoritative for him, because this is her mother. And if she, with her remarks, suggestions, comments, and even rather harsh instructions ... and these instructions each time confirm her correctness, then further on this authority of her “mother-universe” will turn into the authority of a person who is already an adult child, and at all an adult the person respects. And if she screams around the clock for all reasons: “Don't do it! Do not go! Put! Put it on! I am a mother! You must…”, - very quickly this authority with which a child is born, “mother is the Universe”, “mother is beautiful”, will end very quickly.


Tatyana Tkachuk: Thank you, Marina.

And two more basic manifestations of parental authoritarianism, which we have already partially touched on today, but I want to talk about them separately, are overprotection and overcontrol. Let me ask you: what, in fact, from the point of view of the parent, is that bad? Parents are guided by the best intentions! They are older, more experienced, which means they know better what will be good for their child. Moreover, with all the fibers of their soul they insure their child against mistakes and rash steps. Plus, such parents strive to develop discipline in the child, which will certainly come in handy for the child in later life. “And he still has time to be independent, he has everything ahead of him ...”. I think the motives are very recognizable. What, in fact, is the terrible power of such a parental position? Pavel Semenovich...


Pavel Gurevich: Well, you see, in different cultures there are different ideas about how to raise a child. For example, the British raise a child very hard, emotionless, loveless. They believe that this is the only way to create a certain type of average Englishman and accustom him to adulthood. In Japan, for the first five years, a child is allowed to do absolutely everything - wallow in the mud, misbehave ... And after five years, tough overprotection begins. And then they make a 100% Japanese out of it.

But what is the disadvantage of permanent control? Maybe it would not be so bad if the mother understood the feelings of the child. At the Yalta conference, which I recently attended, my French colleague talked a lot about how people in France understand this authoritarianism in the family. Well, since the general pathos of French psychoanalysis is that the family is generally dictatorial by definition, the child should not be brought up in the family, the family is becoming obsolete, then they say that “why is the family bad? - because it imposes gastronomic tastes on the child. She tells him in advance: “This is delicious. That's how it is with us." And the child does not understand this, because he is forcibly taught to do what is accepted in adult culture.

Therefore, given the external, it would seem, usefulness of control, mentoring... And how else to educate a child, if he is not told: this is bad, this is good? And there is only one condition: to understand the feelings of the child. He is not a small adult, he is a completely different being. And when I give a course of lectures on child psychoanalysis, I start with this thought: “This is not just a small adult, but this is a person from another planet. He sees life differently." And if mom takes this into account, then - God forbid, the flag is in her hands, let her lead it on a leash. But it's better not to. It is better to give the child the opportunity to develop independently and become an autonomous person.


Tatyana Tkachuk: Thank you, Pavel Semenovich. Marina, you have a lot of clients, and before the broadcast you told me that every day three or four people come here with the problem that we are discussing on air today. And I assume that, probably, some of these parents are spreading approximately the same arguments to you as a psychotherapist: “What, in fact, is bad and wrong in what I do? I know better how it will be better for him, my child. I insure against mistakes. And he is still small, he does not understand. And so a child can remain small at 20, and at 30, and at 40 years old ... And there are as many examples of such as you like. In your opinion, what is the horror of this hyper-custody and hyper-control? Still, it’s not for nothing that the particle “hyper-” is present there.


Marina Berkovskaya: I am not a child psychologist, so mostly adults come to me. And, as you know, no matter what the client comes to the psychotherapist with, we will still deal with his parents. We all come from childhood, moreover, from previous generations. This is “I take care of him”, “I am ready to give my life” - indeed, any mother is ready to give her life for her child, - “I give my whole life to him, if only he was happy” ... Well, if how the father of this client, Pavel Semenovich, who clearly formulates: "I gave birth to her myself." Few people say that. This is usually called: “My whole life belongs to him! I live for him! I am ready to do everything for him, so that he is happy! Translation into the language of a direct message, that is, the direct meaning of this text: “I want to be happy! And I will be happy when my child is like this, like this and like that - and then I will be happy! And if he is happy not in this way, but in a way that worries me terribly, and I will have a heart attack from his happiness, then, I know for sure, he is not happy, he simply does not understand what his happiness is .. .


Tatyana Tkachuk: “And I will explain it to him.”


Marina Berkovskaya: Yes. And if he stubbornly does not understand, then I will get a little sick here, sincerely completely, and he will understand that he is driving me into a coffin, and I am a mother, I am worried.


Tatyana Tkachuk: Marina, tell me, please, right now on the air it involuntarily happens that we say “authoritarian parents”, but more and more often we still mention the mother in this context. Does practice really show that more often in families there is an authoritarian mother than an authoritarian father?


Marina Berkovskaya: We already have several generations of “dadless” people. We either don’t have dad as a class, or “who asks him?”, Or dad is in an eternal field - maybe on a business trip, or maybe in alcoholism.


Tatyana Tkachuk: Pavel Semyonovich, tell me, is this the type of authoritarian father that you still sometimes meet: a father who is used to the fact that at the table, when he starts talking, everyone is silent, he must finish his speech to the end, no matter how interesting it is, this speech, and in general, how relevant it is, to the place, to the time, and so on, is this a completely dying element of the family? Indeed, as Marina says, the generation grew up without fathers. And what, if I may say so from the point of view of a psychoanalyst, is more terrible - an authoritarian mother or an authoritarian father?


Pavel Gurevich: As Comrade Stalin said, both deviations are bad - both left and right (laughs) . You know, here's the classic situation that was worked out in psychoanalysis and the classics - this is an authoritarian father and a submissive, timid, passive, sacrificial mother. Which also binds the child to itself, but in a different way. Because Here Fromm writes about who is an authoritarian mother - that woman who is powerful, who suffers from possessive instincts. She believes that the child is her property. And this is not true. Because, in fact, she is not capable of letting the child go on an independent voyage. And there is a woman of a masochistic type who says: “I loved you so much, I suffered so many victims because of you, and you are so ungrateful!” This is a classic situation that can illustrate the life of the classics themselves. Let's say Freud had such a submissive mother and an authoritarian father. But, apparently, really, this type did not leave, but simply retouched due to the fact that the family has acquired a different look now, well, dad is a coming figure ... Even a French psychoanalyst said that in France (we do not take our reality) Basically, the children live with their mother, and the father, he lives in the so-called "mixed" family, restructured. That is, he is raising someone else's child, and his child is being raised by another mother. There is no longer this classic triangle: an authoritarian father, a sacrificial mother and a poor, neurotic child. Now everything is much more complicated. And, probably, more often such an authoritarian figure is the mother, I think so, judging by clinical practice.


Tatyana Tkachuk: Thank you, Pavel Semenovich.

In my opinion, one of the most terrifying manifestations of this parental behavior is what we started the program with, which is the avoidance of emotional closeness with our children. The way to keep the child at a distance. Stinginess for praise, laconicism. It turns out then that a considerable part of the clients of psychotherapists are the children of authoritarian parents? They come with one, and behind their problems you figure out that authoritarian parents are standing there, is that so?


Marina Berkovskaya: Well, in general, all clients who come to a psychotherapist are someone's children, and we'll get to that. But what Pavel Semenovich said is very important. The mother's authoritarianism does not necessarily act as a rigid dictate. Since (Pavel Semenovich will also confirm) our dad becomes a somewhat ephemeral figure in a modern family, then mom, she pulls into place ... she tries for herself (this is subconscious, there are no villains) ... she twists the situation so that she trying to load the blame not on the absent husband, who is either absent or unresponsive, but on the son or daughter. And this "mother-victim" - this is the less classic style of an authoritarian mother. A mother who kills with her holiness is even harder. Because it puts a terrible guilt on a child who is no longer a child. And now we have such a tendency (a sociologist, rather, will explain this), such a child-centric culture ... Not that we especially love children - God forbid! – but the child is presented as the justification for everything: “I am a mother. I have children. I give them everything." And then a person can violate anything, do anything: “This is a child. It's for the sake of the child!" And now this is no longer a living child who has grown into a living person...


Tatyana Tkachuk: A certain symbol.


Marina Berkovskaya: ...here is a kind of symbol for the sake of which evil is being created, violations, just cruel, violent dictates. It is covered very beautifully: “This is a child. For him!". And this unfortunate child, he is to blame for everything all his life. Naturally, he transfers this to his children. Holiness is a little time to remove from motherhood. Parenting is a normal part of life.


Tatiana Tkachuk: A quick question for both of you. Pavel Semenovich, can a psychotherapist reach out to an authoritarian mother and explain to her what is happening, and expect that they will hear him, and something will change? Or is it an almost impossible task?


Pavel Gurevich: No, this is a real task. But in practice it is different. In one case, you somehow, due to long work, manage to change the family situation. This is done not only by reasoning. In this case, this is the work of a counseling psychologist. And the psychoanalyst works more subtle, because he establishes contact with the unconscious. Therefore, sometimes after the sessions there is some kind of shift, well, if not in consciousness, then in the unconscious sense of one's role. Therefore, we can say that sometimes it works, and sometimes it doesn't.


Tatyana Tkachuk: Thank you, Pavel Semenovich. Marina, what are your observations?


Marina Berkovskaya: It is almost impossible to convince. But, working on subtle, deep mechanisms, it is possible to change the system, to streamline it from the inside so that the authoritarian parent, being in a state of being right, will completely change his behavior.


Tatyana Tkachuk: Thank you.

“My home is my castle,” many parents think, and they do not allow anyone to interfere in the process of raising children. Peremptory judgments, coolness in relations with a son or daughter, inadmissibility of doubts and a system of orders and control - this is the atmosphere in which weak-willed and difficult people grow up in communication. Faced with them at work or in friendship, we sometimes do not know why they are like that.

And just now I want to talk in more detail about what kind of children grow up in families of authoritarian parents. Psychologists see the results of such upbringing: children of authoritarian parents - listen carefully! - become irritable, conflict-prone people. They are unable to make independent decisions. They are introverted and usually lonely. Often they "run away" into any kind of addiction - from gambling to drugs. There are many homeless children and even suicides among them - this is already a statistic. It seems to me that these data need to be published more often and promoted, because after all, people still have an illusion that this is some innocent enough thing - authoritarian education, and that this is a personal matter for each parent: what is there takes place behind the closed doors of his house.

How do these authoritarian parents appear, how are they born? And why do they choose this style of raising their own children? That is, where are the origins, what are the roots of this phenomenon, which seems to me very scary? Pavel Semenovich...


Pavel Gurevich: Well, the fact is that there is such a thing as "social broadcasting". You can trace the life of several generations, where an authoritarian grandmother raised an authoritarian mother, an authoritarian mother brings up an authoritarian daughter, and then a granddaughter, and so on. That is, there are certain ideas in the culture of how to raise a child (which I said a little about). If we take, for example, a German family, then there unconditionally exists a strict upbringing of order. One summer I watched: a father and daughter rode a bicycle to the lake. And I saw them every morning - after jogging I also came to the lake - they were swimming. But before entering the water, they spread out a plastic bag and neatly packed all their things in an envelope. Not just scatter, but one to another, in a pile. And I asked myself: "What gives them pleasure - entering the water, bathing, or this order that they put in their clothes?" And then I talked to this man. I said, “I am a psychologist. I am watching you. I put you in the book." He said: “Yes, you know, I had a mother, she always taught me to order. And I am very grateful to her for the fact that she taught me to order. And now I’m raising my daughter the same way.”

Of course, this largely depends on national traditions. In Germany, there is a cult of order, and there, for sure, there will be an authoritarian mother or an authoritarian father in the family, because otherwise they cannot be accustomed to those norms of law-abidingness that exist, for example, in Germany. And if you, for example, went through a red light - this is generally impossible in Germany. They look at ours with surprise: there are no cars - and they think that it is possible to cross. But there was no signal yet. So authoritarian parents are taken from the depths of culture and as a result of social education.


Tatyana Tkachuk: Thank you, Pavel Semenovich. Marina, if you agree with this point of view that most parents raise their children in the same way as they raised them in childhood, then it turns out that those who were suppressed and humiliated by their own parents in childhood become authoritarian parents. But then this means that all authoritarian parents are deep neurotics in themselves, with increased anxiety and increased suspiciousness. Is this true, according to your observations?


Marina Berkovskaya: Well, Tanya, in principle, indeed, both the right and the left strong deviation from a good life will not be taken. In general, there are two ways not to separate from your family, that is, not to become an adult, independent person - this is “doing like my parents” or “doing exactly the opposite.” Therefore, authoritarian parents can have an equally authoritarian child who will also raise their children in the same way. Or, on the contrary, a child who will rise up and say: “I will do exactly the opposite. If my mother taught me to be orderly (it doesn’t matter if the order is good or not), my child will throw what he wants and where he wants.

Also, authoritarian parents can grow out of children from a very unstructured, weak family, where the parents were weak. Because then the child will say: “I didn’t have support, I didn’t have confidence, I didn’t have teachers, I thought of everything myself. I felt helpless. I will protect my children." And they will march along the sleepers in formation. Therefore, both biases end badly.

But authoritarian parents, how neurotic they are, you know, in order to have a neurosis, one must have a substrate in the form of brains. Some people are so intoxicatingly primitive that they won't even have a neurosis. They will either raise the same blockheads, or if they suddenly have a child with a soul, they will break it.


Tatyana Tkachuk: Please tell me, Marina, can a mother become an authoritarian not because she grew up in a family of authoritarian parents, not because it is a protest against raising another, but simply because that she is lonely, she has a child, there is no one but this child, and she makes her own meaning of life out of this child?


Marina Berkovskaya: Maybe.


Tatyana Tkachuk: And it is on this soil that such terrific authoritarianism can flourish. Are there such cases?


Marina Berkovskaya: They happen, and quite often. She may just become authoritarian out of fright. She herself is weak, she is the most confused, she is alone, and no one helps her. "My God, what to do?! ..". And with a fright, he can become terribly tough.


Tatyana Tkachuk: Thank you, Marina.

Pavel Semenovich, a question for you. Is it true that authoritarian parents produce conformist children, and why? How can this be explained?


Pavel Gurevich: Well, we already somehow agreed that there can be no definite answer. It cannot be assumed that everything here is so causal, one-line: if the mother is authoritarian, then the child is authoritarian. Because he really can grow up to be a nonconformist. Because he is accustomed to social norms, but he does not recognize these norms, and therefore, in the end, he even becomes a criminal in the future.

Here I would like to tell you about a woman who lives in Kaliningrad. And I was told all the time that this is a wonderful woman, she is clairvoyant. “Here she wants to come. And you will get to know her." And when she arrived, she said: "Pavel Semenovich, I would like to undergo psychoanalysis with you." I say: “How? Your ticket has been taken for tonight, you are leaving.” And she says: "Well, one session." I say: "I can ask you one question - are you happy?". She said: "Yes, I'm happy!". I said, "Are you married?" She said no. I asked: "Do you have a man?" She says no. "And who do you have?" She says: “Granddaughter. Here I am raising him. My whole life is in it." Well, further - it is clear: "Once upon a time there was a poor little granddaughter of my grandmother ...". Here she is authoritarian, not because she is imperious, not because she received such lessons from her parents, but because everything collapsed with her, and only a grandson remained, for whom she wants to build happiness. And she builds it, of course, authoritarianly, because this woman, in theory, should deal with personal happiness. She is not an old woman, she must have a man. And, thank God, if she went about her business, then her grandson would be fine.


Tatyana Tkachuk: But here's what's interesting. If a child grows up in a family where he feels very strong pressure from his parents, pressure such as an option to escape from this pressure and pressure, of course, there may be an option to go to some kind of party, to some of his company, in search of some team. But it is curious that the observations of psychologists show that even there, in a get-together, such a child is likely to take a subordinate position, he, most likely, will find some leader there, whose words he will listen to, and whose laws he will have to follow . That is, even there he will not straighten his shoulders, will not straighten up and will not become an authority for someone. It turns out a kind of vicious circle, from which it is almost impossible to get out.

We are now moving on to a rather important part of the program regarding how to counter parental authoritarianism. Marina, do you think there are any recipes here?


Marina Berkovskaya: In general, there is no need to resist parents. They should be respected, as you know. An adult, he is an adult, because he is aware of these social transmission mechanisms... There are a lot of psychoanalytic, transgenerational mechanisms - a lot of mechanisms due to which a person becomes the way he is. And the task of an adult is himself, with the help of a psychotherapist, to realize what is in him and from where, to accept it and take responsibility for his life. And then a passion for order will be taken from authoritarian parents with gratitude, and weak parents will be thanked for the fact that "life forced me to become strong." That is, everything that came from the ancestors will be accepted with gratitude and become themselves. And the goal of psychotherapy is, in fact, to bring all these undercurrents to the level of awareness. And then the person becomes himself. And then any parents, any ancestors will be highly valuable, because as a result such a good person turned out. And if a person 20-30-50 years old still blames everything that happens to him on the fact that his dad drank, and his mother was strict, and gave him a pop when he was 2 years old ... Here's how once psychoanalysts remembered this. And now, at 50, he's an idiot and a loser... Well, he never grew up. And there is no one to blame.


Tatyana Tkachuk: Thank you, Marina.

Pavel Semenovich, in your opinion, are there cases when a person, in search of an answer to the question why he experiences some kind of difficulties, hides behind the authoritarianism of his parents?


Pavel Gurevich: Well, of course, this happens quite often.


Tatyana Tkachuk: Can you recognize this game? Do you bring such patients "to clean water"?


Pavel Gurevich: Of course. I would just like to add to what my esteemed colleague and I have already agreed on as a common position. Here it is not necessary to think that there is such a product of "authoritarianism gives rise to authoritarianism." Because after all, here is a conformal person, that is, with a malleable psyche, in one case, he is a Protestant - he opposes his mother, because she is authoritarian. But on another occasion, when he goes to his youth group, he is not a Protestant at all. Here there is a leader from whom he sculpts himself, and is absolutely obedient. And there is no such unambiguous dependence that authoritarianism breeds authoritarianism.

But if you also touch on your question, can a child resist parents, then I agree that it seems that it is not necessary to resist, although I recognize one form of confrontation - this is personal growth. Because from the age of 2, the child begins to do what is called “I myself” in Russian psychology. This is a phenomenon of separation and individuation. Separated from my mother - and went into personal growth. Now, if a child opposes his mother as a born personality, and not just “mom, you are so scary, you are cruel, you are always wrong”, if he opposes himself to her as a growing child with the responsibility that he takes for his behavior, well, then , which is called, generally speaking, the "separation effect" - he leaves, then this form of protest, of course, can be recognized. And not only to recognize, but in fact, this is the meaning - separation, individuation. Because this is not a problem of a 2-year-old child, but a problem of the whole human life. Having left parental care at one time, a person suddenly falls under the influence of a spiritual leader, some sectarian. That is, he is not fully formed as a person.

The French colleague also said that we are creating ideal conditions for a child. Mom cooks three breakfasts. She asks: “What will you eat (and you and you)?”. The French mom cooks three breakfasts. That is, the condition is this: we create everything for the child. But from this seemingly ideal scene and setting, a neurotic also grows.


Tatyana Tkachuk: Thank you, Pavel Semenovich.

I would like to continue about the opposition to authoritarianism. Because this is the most important, as it seems to me, part of the program. A child who grew up experiencing overprotection and overcontrol by parents can still take one of two positions. Either he takes a position “under”, already entering an independent life and building his relationship with a partner, or he will try, out of a sense of protest, to take a position “above”. It is clear that both, like any extreme, will have disastrous consequences. Because neither in that position nor in another person can be happy, unable to.

The way out could be in open communication between the two parties, in an attempt to discuss some urgent problems and in an attempt to have a conversation. Psychologists call this the term "talking out the problem." But the trouble is that children who grew up in authoritarian families are not accustomed to open communication. Mother or father always kept a certain distance in relations with children and did not accustom them to such open conversations. To be honest, I don't see a way out of this situation. And I don’t understand: be a person very literate in terms of psychology, read some books, visit psychotherapists and consult - after all, what direction should he choose for himself if he feels that he still has (maybe , a person 30 years old, 40 or 50) behind the back of authoritarian parents, he wants to get rid of their authoritarianism and become an independent person? Marina, please.


Marina Berkovskaya: That's why professionals exist to show a person what he cannot see, because, firstly, he is not a professional, and secondly, you can’t see anything from the inside, but you can only see from sides. And the goal of a person is not to agree ... If he is 50 years old, then his mother is already 100 years old or she has been lying in a coffin for a long time. You need to negotiate not with your mother, but you need to negotiate with yourself. And the goal of psychotherapy lies precisely in the fact that ... Here, a person has authoritarian parents behind his back - wonderful! - or the complete absence of parents. Everyone has something behind their back. And if he wants to break out from under the power of authoritarian parents at the age of 50, he needs to break out from under the power of that part of him that is called “authoritarian mother”, he needs to break out from under himself. Well, if he is not used to the open expression of emotions, well, that's what the psychotherapist is for, so that he expresses everything to him. And this is the professionalism of a psychotherapist. Not a person chooses. A person with the help of a professional understands what is wrong.


Tatyana Tkachuk: Thank you, Marina. Let's just ask a specific question. Here is the story of a woman whom I opened today's program, who is 36 years old. ..


Marina Berkovskaya: Why does her mother come to her house and rummage through her refrigerator?


Tatyana Tkachuk: Yes, she puts her nose in the fridge, says...


Marina Berkovskaya: How old is the girl? 36 years?


Tatyana Tkachuk: Yes. At the age of 18, she left her mother, but this continues to this day.


Marina Berkovskaya: So, if a girl is 36 years old, then her mother, well...


Tatyana Tkachuk: Well, 56-60 years old.


Marina Berkovskaya: In general, quite an adult, middle-aged woman. The question is not to remake mom so that she stops going into the refrigerator. The question is to look at this mother not through the eyes of a little girl, at the "mother-universe", who is authoritarian, but through the eyes of an adult, in the prime of her life, a prosperous, 36-year-old woman, at an old, slightly senile (of course - atherosclerosis, nowhere you won't get away) mommy. And pity her, and be condescending to her. And a 36-year-old girl had the reaction of a little girl, in whose doll box they climbed in and took out her favorite doll from there.


Tatyana Tkachuk: I want to clarify all the same: and let my mother climb into the refrigerator? this flow of energy of his very adult daughter, this childish protest and despair: “Mommy got into the refrigerator!”. She will stop going there.


Tatyana Tkachuk: Thank you, Marina.

I would like now, towards the end of our program, to draw a few more "pictures" called "authoritarian parents" so that as many parents as possible recognize themselves by seeing themselves from the outside. In preparing for this program, I found out that parents who do not rush to the baby to cry in the very early childhood of a child are also authoritarian parents. Because, it turns out, they consider it a manifestation of self-will and the beginning of disobedience. And if we talk about such a very small age of the child, Pavel Semenovich, what else can this be expressed in?


Pavel Gurevich: Let's say a little boy, he is 2 years old, he takes a light bulb and tries to screw it in. Mom says: “What are you doing?! You can not do it. You're going to break that light bulb now." And she does it herself. That is, she herself programs an incapable, malleable, conforming personality.

And what should the child do? - I liked your question. Because, perhaps, it is necessary to get out of the topic - what kind of reasoning can be here, and talk more about actions. Well, let's imagine a family where the father drinks, he beats his wife. And then one day a growing boy stops his hand and says: “Don't you dare! Don't ever lay a hand on your mother again!" So not everything is solved with the help of conversations, raising a mother, a child ... Sometimes this is an act. Here is a child who builds a personality out of himself, he is capable of such an act. And here it is not even necessary that the family be like that, just like in France - all the conditions have been created. And let's take, say, Gorky "Foma Gordeev", where there are three generations. It seems that there are no conditions in order to express themselves. Because there is an authoritarian grandfather (we have not touched on this topic yet), there are authoritarian parents, but independent individuals still grow up, which Gorky showed.


Tatyana Tkachuk: You just said: three generations. And I remembered Ulitskaya's wonderful story about three generations living in the same house: granddaughters, daughters and grandmothers, with an authoritarian grandmother. And there, in the finale, the daughter, still quite a young woman, dies of a heart attack only because for the first time in her life she went against her mother, who at that time was over 70. In general, there are a lot of scary stories ...

Marina, let's get back to "pictures". Adolescence. A family in which the child is always dictated what time he should come home, no later than what hour, where it is known when he can come up and turn to his father with some request, when he can sit down at the table, and when he cannot sit down at the table ... What other recognizable "pictures" are asked to give them now as an example, so that parents recognize themselves?


Marina Berkovskaya: Demands without explanation: "You must come at 10 pm." “Maybe at 10:30?” "No, I said!". And what's the difference - at 10 or at 10.30, in fact, or even at 12? It turns out that an authoritarian parent can sometimes, already at a fairly adult age of his child, see him in absolutely negative tones. That is, the child may seem bad to him, without any reservations ...


Marina Berkovskaya: Tanya, this is also from great love! Now, if I tell my child that he is good, talented, wonderful, then he will come out unprepared into this world. I have to tell him all the time that he is bad, so that he fixes it all the time. And a completely helpless creature comes out, which has long grown up in the firm belief that he, well, is a complete nonentity.


Tatyana Tkachuk: Thank you, Marina. Pavel Semenovich, just a question. What do you think, such a parent, does he play a little with himself at this moment? That is, in fact, he thinks well of his child, but only for educational purposes gives the child such a negative? Or can he really rate it extremely low?


Pavel Gurevich: Yes and no. I will give a clinical example. My patient is preparing to become a mother. She is going on vacation with her grandmother. And he says, "I'm pregnant." Grandmother says: “Are you pregnant?! .. This cannot be! Can you get pregnant?" She says, “Yes. I have a husband." “You have a husband?!.. It can’t be!”. This is one option when the grandmother was always sincerely convinced that nothing would come of this granddaughter.

And in another case... well, you can also find some examples when a mother understands that the child is not so bad, but if you tell him this, then he will go astray, and I will tell him all the time: bad, bad, bad...


Marina Berkovskaya: To stimulate him.


Pavel Gurevich: Yes, stimulate him. And then he will grow up a full-fledged person.


Tatyana Tkachuk: Thank you.

You know, this is the danger of the topic that we are discussing, that authoritarian parents, with all the endless disadvantages of the system of this upbringing, which we have discussed for an hour today, after all, from the point of view of public opinion, they can look extremely positive people. They are caring, they support their children, they watch how children develop...


Marina Berkovskaya: They spend a lot of time physically on them!


Tatyana Tkachuk: And to see behind this mask a responsible person, a person who financially supports his, maybe already quite an adult child, such a tough, authoritarian personality, which, in fact, can break in a child his personality, not letting him grow as a person is quite difficult. Pavel Semenovich, is this “shifter”, he always happens, or is it still in most cases authoritarian parents, at first glance they are such rather unpleasant, repulsive people?


Pavel Gurevich: Do you mean the portrait we painted? Well, this portrait is recognizable. Here I could tell about one woman, a mother, who called me at work, because her daughter works for me in the sector. She said: “Pavel Semenovich, do you realize that (and Lenochka is 30 years old) what a pure nature this is? She is 30 years old and chaste. I tell you this so that you know how, against the backdrop of general depravity, I managed to raise such a wonderful Lenochka. Well, mom is now dead, and this woman is already 50 years old, she is neurotic, unhappy. And she says: “Why do parents give birth to children in order to doom them to such a fate?” It's all recognizable. Only, you see, an authoritarian parent, who may be listening to us now, thinks: “I raised a wonderful daughter!”.


Tatyana Tkachuk: Unfortunately, our time has come to an end.

It is only necessary to remember that any demands, punishments and "wishes" coming from a domineering, cold and disinterested person will certainly lead to hostility or faceless submission. Even an attempt to hide behind the fact that any children's initiative is suppressed for the benefit of the child himself - so that he avoids failures - will only lead to the fact that a person will grow up passive and cowardly. And at the age of 36, he will write that he still suffers from the arrogance and edification of his own mother ...

I thank psychotherapist Marina Berkovskaya and psychologist, philosopher Pavel Semenovich Gurevich for participating in the program.


How to deal with manipulative parents | Be Healthy

The desire to manipulate is most often dictated by uncertainty and anxiety, which can be dealt with only with the help of total control and distrust.

A manipulative parent is not always a subtle psychologist and connoisseur of human souls. Manipulation of one's own children grows out of a misunderstanding of responsibility, which is perceived as constant obsessive control and deprivation of the child's right to independence.

Hence the numerous “mom knows best”, “you will give me a heart attack”, “I am ashamed of you in front of people”, “you have to” and “is this why I raised you?”.

The desire to manipulate is most often dictated by a feeling of insecurity and anxiety, which can be dealt with only with the help of total control and distrust. And they, in turn, need to be disguised as something plausible: care, concern, the desire to do better. But the saddest thing is that a child never ceases to be small for such a mother - whether he is at least 30, at least 50 ... For her, he always needs care, and therefore - control too.

A manipulative mother of her own free will is unlikely to change the format of relations with her adult child: she will definitely ask how he ate and poke his nose into the unwashed dishes. She will take an interest in who called, tell what she thinks about it - ask not to come late and threaten with another sore or gray hair that appeared by the grace of a child. It is useless to hope that parental manipulation will ever resolve itself.

Manipulative mothers, of course, are not averse to announcing: “when you graduate from the institute, then…” or “when you have your own children, then…”. But the continuation of such announcements usually becomes "then I can die in peace." Note: no one stuttered about removing control over an overgrown child. The parent will continue to play on feelings of guilt and a sense of duty.

Children of manipulating parents can be in two global states: either realize that they are a victim of total control - or not. Those who have realized what is happening have a choice of several options for behavior.

Endure

This does you credit as a person who has infinite respect for your parents. But no more. What does it mean to endure? Firstly, to understand that you are not the master of your destiny, secondly, to constantly deal with irritation towards the parent, and thirdly, to feel guilty all the time (“she is everything to me - and I . ..”). There are a lot of contradictions, satisfaction with life is zero, but there is an opportunity to fully feel like a good person.

Are there other options? We will talk about them now.

To sort things out

For those who have lost their psychological innocence and have begun to realize parental manipulations, the way to sort things out is the most common. The desire to understand "Who do they take me for?" and “Who are you?” usually lead to numerous scandals. So far, no successful attempt to point out behavioral errors to parents is known, which would be taken into account.

Leave

A slightly more mature way is separation. That is, separation from the parental family, independent living and reduced contacts. At first, those who have become a "cut off slice" are tormented by a sense of guilt. And there is a rational grain in this: parents may need help, they need attention after all, they most likely have health problems. It is unlikely that the manners of your parents got you so much as to completely cut off all contacts? Moreover, manipulating parents consider children to be a part of themselves: to part with a child for them is akin to finding themselves without an arm or leg.

Become the same

It happens that manipulative parents grow up worthy successors, who begin to hone their manipulative skills on themselves. The result is a kind of symbiosis of lovebird manipulators, a truly dramatic spectacle. There is no doubt that these skills, initially used as a defense, will be used by the child on other people around him and on his own children and will later become the main way of his communication.

Change the situation

That is, rebuild your relationship with manipulating parents. This is the most mature path, but also the most difficult. Many do not believe that the relationship in which they have been included since childhood is amenable to change. Amenable, but require effort.

Step one : understand. At this stage, one must realize that parental manipulations are not from evil. They are from excessive responsibility, from self-doubt, from the desire that everything be fine with you. In the end - because my mother, perhaps in childhood, was also manipulated by her parents.

Second step . Having found out that mom is also a person, clarify what kind of person. What do you know about her childhood and adolescence, relationships with her parents, why she chose her profession. Every detail matters. Imagine that you are collecting material for her biography.

Third step . Feel more mature than your own parents. Surely you have more experience in something, besides, you are decorated with a mature decision to stop being an object of manipulation. Try to treat the manipulative parent the way a doctor treats a patient: kindly, firmly, patiently. It is not necessary to rise, denounce, sort things out. Before you - a cross between a patient and a child. Don't get divorced by your parents trying to drag you into a scandal and don't pay attention to all the parental assessments that come your way.

Fourth step . At this stage, you need to start rebuilding your relationship with your parents.

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