Dating a poly person

Polyamorous Relationships: How It Works

A type of ethical non-monogamy, polyamory involves having romantic relationships with multiple people.

Polyamorous relationships are becoming increasingly common. And yet, many people falsely believe that polyamory never works, or that polyamorous relationships are “doomed” from the start.

In truth, it’s a relationship style that works for many people. As with all relationships, communication and respect is key to making it work.

Polyamory works for some people, while others prefer monogamy. Neither is necessarily superior to the other.

Polyamorous relationships — like monogamous relationships — can be healthy and fulfilling, depending on the circumstances and behaviors of the people in them.

Polyamory is a form of ethical non-monogamy that involves committed relationships between two or more people — typically romantic relationships.

Essentially, being in a polyamorous relationship means that you and your partner have the option of dating other people.

Polyamory is not the same as polygamy. Polygamy involves being married to more than one person at a time. Polyamory doesn’t necessarily involve marriage.

Polyamorous relationships also are not necessarily sexual in nature, although they can be.

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Generally, polyamorous relationships involve having the option to date two or more people at the same time.

Polyamory can look different to different people. There are many “structures” and boundaries you can employ. Each polyamorous person can set their own boundaries based on what they’re comfortable with.

Some of the most common polyamory structures are:

Polyfidelity. This is where the partners in a group agree not to have sexual or romantic relationships with people who are not in the group.
Triad. This involves three people who are all dating one another, also called a throuple.
Quad. Similar to a triad, a quad is a relationship involving four people who are all dating one another.
Vee (or “V”). This is where one person is dating two different people, but those two people are not dating one another.

Many polyamorous people don’t have a structured set-up. They simply have multiple romantic relationships, going with the flow as they meet new people.

Polyamorous relationships can be hierarchical or non-hierarchical.

In polyamory, a “hierarchy” means one relationship is prioritized above others. For instance, you might be married and consider that your “primary relationship,” while your other relationships are seen as secondary.

There’s a lot of controversial discourse over whether hierarchical relationships are fair or not. One 2021 research study found that people in non-hierarchical polyamorous relationships are about as satisfied as those in hierarchical polyamorous relationships.

Polyamorous structures often change over time as people’s feelings, relationships, and personal circumstances change. This is why communication is something often emphasized in polyamorous groups.

Talking about your needs, boundaries, and feelings is one step toward maintaining healthy and happy relationships.

As with all relationships, polyamorous relationships have boundaries. If you overstep those boundaries, your partner might consider it cheating, or breaking your relationship agreement.

What does infidelity look like in polyamorous relationships? That depends on the nature of the relationship.

For example, let’s say you and your partner agree not to go on dates with other people without telling one another beforehand. However, your partner starts dating someone without your knowledge. That could be considered a violation of your relationship agreement and a form of infidelity.

As another example, let’s say you’re in a polycule (that is, a group of polyamorous people) and you practice polyfidelity (which means you agree not to have romantic or sexual relationships with people outside the group). But then you start sleeping with someone outside the group. That could be considered an act of infidelity by others in your polycule.

As with all relationships, honesty and communication is key. Overstepping or disregarding boundaries can do some serious damage to your relationship.

Polyamorous relationships can be healthy. Contrary to popular belief, they aren’t all “doomed” — and it’s very possible to have polyamorous relationships that are fulfilling and happy.

As with monogamous relationships, polyamorous relationships can be healthy or unhealthy — happy or unhappy — depending on the behaviors and actions of the people who engage in them.

Many people in polyamorous relationships are satisfied and happy. In fact, a 2018 study looked at people in monogamous relationships and people in non-monogamous relationships. The study found no difference in relationship satisfaction between the two groups.

It does not matter if you’re entering a polyamorous or monogamous relationship, the important thing is to consider your mental health when making a commitment to someone.

Many people find polyamorous relationships to be more enjoyable and easier to manage than monogamous relationships.

However, polyamory can pose some challenges, too. For example:

Time constraints. Having multiple relationships can be difficult because each relationship requires time. A “time squeeze” can be quite stressful.
Energy constraints. Similarly, each relationship requires energy — emotional, mental, and physical. This can be a challenge, especially if you have difficulties with energy in general.
Jealousy. Some polyamorous people don’t experience jealousy, while others do. Being jealous isn’t inherently bad, but you’ll want to learn to express and manage it in a healthy way.

Lastly, discrimination can impact your mental health. Many polyamorous people experience difficulty with the stigma attached to non-monogamy.

Facing a lack of acceptance from your friends, family, and community can be stressful. Research has indicated that many non-monogamous people internalize negative messages about non-monogamy, which can affect their relationships and sense of identity.

Ultimately, it’s up to you to determine whether polyamory is right for you.

Polyamory is not necessarily superior to monogamy — it works for some people and it doesn’t work for others. As we’re all unique individuals with unique needs, there’s no one-size-fits-all when it comes to relationships.

Before you get into a polyamorous relationship, it’s a good idea to take time educating yourself on polyamory and non-monogamy.

While most people are generally familiar with monogamous relationships, it’s quite difficult to find a blueprint for polyamory.

This means that many of the challenges that are unique to polyamory — such as navigating time management or dealing with jealousy when meeting the partner of your partner — can be even more difficult to deal with. Many may feel alone or at a loss when it comes to dealing with these challenges.

There’s a lot of terminology involved in polyamory, too. Words like “metamour” or “compersion” help people describe relationships and experiences that are unique to non-monogamy. This terminology might seem unnecessary, but it’s extremely useful for communicating with your partners.

So, before you get into polyamory, it’s important to do a little research.

Consider starting with books, listening to podcasts, and viewing forums related to non-monogamy. Learning the terms and discussing polyamory is another great way to prepare yourself.

If you’re interested in learning more about polyamory, there are plenty of resources out there. Websites like PolyInfo.org and Loving More contain a lot of information for those who are new to the concept of polyamory.

Some popular books about polyamory include:

“Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships” by Tristan Taormino
“The Ethical Slut: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships & Other Adventures” by Janet W. Hardy and Dossie Easton
“Building Open Relationships: Your Hands-On Guide to Swinging, Polyamory, and Beyond!” by Liz Powell
“The Polyamory Breakup Book: Causes, Prevention, and Survival” by Kathy Labriola
“Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma, and Consensual Nonmonogomy” by Jessica Fern

You might also enjoy listening to podcasts about polyamory, such as Making Polyamory Work and Polyamory Weekly.

Lastly, whether you’re currently in a polyamorous relationship or not, you might benefit from connecting with polyamorous communities (online or offline). Making friends with like-minded people is a great way to learn more about polyamory and find support.

Six things not to say when dating a polyamorous person

— Feeld Guides

Dec 23, 2021

When it comes to polyamory, stereotypes can infiltrate our language. Here are some of the common pitfalls to avoid

By Poly Philia

If you’ve been on dating apps, you’ve probably come across a polyamorous person or two. Polyamory is the practice or desire to be in multiple simultaneous loving relationships with everyone’s knowledge and consent. This unconventional relationship style is a concept that many struggle to understand and this means that many people who practise it are often met with ignorant or even offensive statements and questions. With that in mind, here’s a quick guide to some things you should avoid saying to a polyamorous person, as well as some suggestions for what you could say instead.

1. ‘Great, I wasn’t looking for anything serious anyway!’

A common assumption about polyamorous people is that they are averse to commitment. In mainstream society, commitment is often synonymous with monogamy and the idea that a couple should forsake all others to be with ‘the one’. In reality, many polyamorous people form serious, long-term relationships; in fact, they are arguably so committed that they are able to do it with more than one person. People in polyamorous relationships tend to define their commitment by the consistent love and care they show to their partners, rather than by the attractions they repress and sacrifice for others. Of course, some polyamorous people may be looking for casual romance outside of their existing partnerships, but not all of them are.

Instead, try something like this: ‘What kind of relationship are you looking for? At the moment, I am looking for something casual. Would you potentially be open to a friends with benefits dynamic?’

2. ‘So where’s my orgy invite?’

People often think that polyamory is all about sex. While sex is an integral part of how many people express love, polyamory is more about forming deeply loving, emotional connections than having wild sex parties and threesomes. Some polyamorous people are even asexual or otherwise completely disinterested in sex. And even for those who are sexual with multiple partners, that doesn’t necessarily mean they want to be sexual with all of them in the same room!

Instead, try something like this: ‘Group sex is one of my fantasies and it’s something I would be interested in engaging in. Would you happen to know anything about how I could experience that or is that not your thing?’

3.

‘Who’s your favourite partner?’

A lot of people can’t wrap their heads around polyamory because of the way we are taught to prioritise one person above everyone else in romantic love. Because of this, when someone has multiple partners, it is often assumed that there is one ‘real’ or ‘main’ relationship when that isn’t necessarily the case. There are many different styles of polyamory and not all of them are centred on a couple. Just like a parent does not necessarily have a favourite child, a polyamorous person can love multiple people in completely different ways. Moreover, by asking this question, you are implying that the other partners are less important, which is insulting to the person that loves them.

Instead, try something like this: ‘What style of polyamory do you practise? Do you have a primary partner or is your relationship structure more non-hierarchical?

4. ‘I’m polyamorous too…just don’t tell my partner!’

By far the most offensive thing you can say to a polyamorous person is to tell them that they are effectively cheating. Polyamorous people pride themselves on their ethical conduct and honest communication, and infidelity is the complete opposite of that. Most polyamorous people would not want to actively enable someone who is looking to have an affair, as this would involve violating the trust of their partner who is not aware of the situation.

Instead, try something like this: ‘Don’t cheat on your partner.’

5. ‘Is one partner not enough for you?’

Suggesting that polyamorous people are asking for too much by engaging in multiple relationships is judgemental and mononormative. Polyamorous people do not practise polyamory because there is something wrong or lacking in their existing relationship. There are many couples who open up a relationship to enhance it or to embrace a new emotional connection and experience novelty and variety in their love lives. Just like you may get different things out of multiple friendships without the implication that any of them are insufficient in some way, polyamorous people get different things out of engaging with multiple partners.

Instead, try something like this: ‘I would love to hear more about what the benefits of polyamory are for you and what unique things you get from each of your partners.’

6. ‘So when are you going to settle down?’

Polyamory is not a phase for most people and it is not the same as casually dating with the eventual goal of lifelong monogamy. By asking someone when they are going to settle down, you are implying that they will eventually pick a favourite partner and be monogamous. This belittles the meaningful relationships they have in their life and also assumes that you cannot settle down with multiple people at once. There are many polyamorous people who cohabit and raise children with multiple partners. Longitudinal research suggests that having more parents around not only helps ease the burden of childcare, but also offers more sources of love and support which can be very beneficial for a child’s development.

Instead, try something like this: ‘I’m interested to know how your relationships could potentially progress. Are you looking to get married or potentially live with and have kids with one or multiple partners, or is that not something you are interested in long-term?’

Polyamory is a highly stigmatised relationship style and while there’s nothing wrong with asking questions, consider the impact and implications of what you are asking people. Be careful not to be too invasive or judgemental and temper your curiosity with respect and tact.

Leanne Yau is the founder of Poly Philia (@polyphiliablog), the largest social media platform dedicated to non-monogamy awareness in Europe.

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Yes, it is possible to change in a polyamorous relationship

From the outside, polyamory may seem like a romantic and sexual libertine. But even if you're in a non-monogamous relationship, cheating is still possible. That's just the meaning of the word "treason" can be different. In fact, it depends on the specific person, specific relationships and your agreements with those with whom you meet.

In fact, the myth that cheating does not exist in a polyamorous relationship may openly contradict the personal philosophy of people who practice polyamory.

“The idea that cheating doesn't exist in a polyamorous relationship is the height of ignorance,” Beer, a 40-year-old polyamorous practitioner, told VICE. - The main thing in polyamory is love, but this love must have a solid foundation. Our relationship is based on honesty, communication, trust and respect.”

To better understand how people in polyamorous relationships define their boundaries and what constitutes "cheating", we contacted people who practice some form of non-monogamy. Here, as always, it is important to remember that there is a wide range of different styles of relationships and forms of breach of trust in relationships. These stories are based on people's personal experiences and are not universal.

Start a relationship in secret

“I was in a relationship with a man who, a few months after we started dating, decided to start dating his ex again. Not only did he not tell me that he started dating her, she thought their relationship was exclusive. Everything came to light a couple of months later, and in the end, he decided to be with her only when he was caught red-handed. It was a serious breach of trust." — Nicole , 32

“I usually don't have more than two partners so that I can devote equal amounts of time to everyone. The possible number of partners is usually determined together with the main partner / main partner or independently; if this number is changed without consulting anyone, this would also seem to me a betrayal. I wouldn't want my pack/company to fall apart because everyone was uncomfortable." - Alex, 20 years old

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“Personally, I'm more comfortable with partners who don't hide who they're dating. I would like to hear about it. So I get a bad feeling when I don't know anything about my partners' partners, my love mates. If I had a partner who would enter into a new relationship, and this relationship moved forward emotionally, and he would not tell me about it, I would take it as cheating. - Hit, age 38

“I was in a stable relationship with one guy, and at the beginning of the relationship, we decided what cheating was for both of us. We agreed that if one of us starts dating another person and we don't tell each other about it, then it's considered cheating." - Olivia, age 36

“In the relationship I'm in, there are rules about bringing other people in. First, when interest arises, we must communicate to others. Secondly, we discuss everything: feelings, boundaries, who exactly either showed interest in one of us, or interested one of us. Then we all meet on no man's land, have lunch or dinner and get to know each other. If there is any contact without observing these rules, then this is treason. If one of us goes on a date with a new person and doesn't follow the rules, then he's cheating on us." - Beer

Sexual Health Breach

"I prefer regular STD testing and prefer contraception with partners with whom I have not deliberately chosen to exchange fluids." - Nicole

"If one person in a relationship does not speak honestly about some STD, then the end of both trust and respect." - Beer

“Suppose I have a partner and we agree on barrier-free sex ... We agree on this, assuming that we will be open about our sexual behavior with other people, and if we reconsider our attitude to barriers with someone else, then we will tell each other about it. Suppose the same partner sleeps with someone without barriers and then comes back to me. So, now this person has violated our agreement… But has he deprived me of the possibility of consent? He didn't deprive me of my sexual consent or violate the boundaries of my body because he didn't sleep with me. If he is did and didn’t tell me, then this would already be a betrayal for me ... If he tells me, then we are talking about revising our agreement. - Hit

Secret dating

"Dating lie". - Nicole

“When my partner starts dating someone new and doesn't say anything about it, I think it's cheating. [One of my exes] cheated on me by not telling me about another woman he went on a date with twice. I found out about it because he called me and said he wanted to see me less (we only see each other once a week) and see her more because she knows the sex club scene.” - Olivia

Lack of communication

"If he did not see fit to inform new potential partners of the existence of current partners." - Nicole

“I prefer open and honest communication in all my relationships. If there are problems with communication, then the company may break up. If there is a problem with this communication and honesty, then in my opinion, this is treason. ” - Alex

“We have to be honest with each other. Most importantly, we must be honest with ourselves. Before bringing someone else into a relationship, there is an honest conversation between all the participants. We express our true feelings openly and honestly. If not, we're preparing a script to fail." - Beer

“If someone does not report some information, lies openly or hides some truth, then this is a violation of trust. I don't need to know everything in great detail, but if it's serious enough to lie about, then it probably shouldn't be." - Nicole

This article was originally published on VICE CA.

Who is polyamorous or How to love many and not suffer

Polyamorous relationships are actively discussed in the media space, more and more people discover this format for themselves and find it more attractive than relationships with only one romantic partner. We understand how polyamory differs from betrayal and who can be polyamorous.

What is polyamory?

Polyamory is a form of non-monogamous relationships involving more than two people. Polyamory differs from betrayal in consistency, that is, both partners are aware that in a relationship they are far from the only objects of love, and communication with other partners occurs with the consent of all participants in the relationship. That is, each participant in the relationship is aware that besides him, the partner has someone else, and this fact does not cause problems, rejection or the desire to put the partner before the choice "either he (a) - or me."

The moment of awareness and agreement is the most important part of a polyamorous relationship, so the phrase: “Actually, I am polyamorous, but my spouse is not in the know” will be more of a signal to run away.

Polyamory is quite stigmatized in countries and societies that adhere to the monogamous tradition, when one person must have one partner for long-term romantic relationships and further parenting. This is partly due to the fact that polyamory is confused with the practices of polygamy and polyandry, while polyamory may not involve the formation of marriage alliances or further childbearing. This is a relationship format built on mutual romantic affection that a person can experience for several people at the same time. The presence of romantic feelings distinguishes polyamory from polygamy. In the case of polygamy, a person can have many sexual encounters with different people without experiencing a deep romantic attachment to them and without forming a long-term relationship.

Today, psychologists who specialize in romantic relationships cannot agree that a person can only feel love for one partner. This is confirmed both by in-depth interviews with polyamorous people and by cases where people who are in permanent monogamous relationships enter into another relationship with another person secretly from the "official" partner or spouse. In fact, polyamory is distinguished from adultery, accompanied by scandals and the division of jointly acquired property, by the decision of partners to immediately discuss that one (or several) people will join them, as well as to distribute duties, responsibilities and time that will be spent with each from partners.

How polyamorous people build relationships

Polyamory is a fairly broad concept, and within it there are many variations of relationship building. The basic principle is still the awareness and consent of both partners, but there are many variations within the relationship. Some polyamorous unions mean that all participants in the relationship live under the same roof, while others, on the contrary, prefer not to meet with the "alternative partners" of their lovers. Two large groups of polyamors can be distinguished:

"Open relationship"

Also known as "open marriage", this format is where romantic partners who are in a long-term romantic relationship can, by mutual agreement, start relationships on the side. This happens in unlimited quantities: there can be both fleeting meetings and longer-term relationships that develop in parallel. People in an "open marriage" may not know the other partners of their spouse "by sight", they do not have to maintain friendly relations and interact in any way.

Monogamish

The term "monogamish" was first mentioned by American columnist Dan Savage. Monogamish are people who are in a polyamorous relationship where communication takes place between all partners. They form a group and generally do not have long-term romantic or sexual relationships with people outside of that group. Even if two out of three partners love the same person, this does not prevent them from having friendly relations.

In polyamorous unions, where equal participation of all partners is assumed, the participants in the relationship plan their time so that they give approximately the same share of attention to each. It is possible to make joint decisions about rest or organization of life.

But polyamorous unions are not a cure for infidelity. Even if the relationship is open, partners can make romantic connections outside of them, but the person chooses whether to deny or hide the connection with the person, then this will still be considered cheating.

Movies about non-monogamous relationships

Why Women Kill

Year: 2019

Together with her husband, they chose an open marriage for themselves, and one day Taylor brought home her girlfriend, who was threatened by her ex-partner.

Vicky Cristina Barcelona

Year: 2008
Director: Woody Allen

Two friends, Vicky and Cristina, come to Barcelona. Vicki is engaged, but Cristina is looking for adventure and finds it in the passionate Spanish artist Juan Antonio. An affair quickly breaks out between him and Christina, it seems that they are made for each other, but suddenly his ex-wife appears on the threshold, who is quite satisfied with this arrangement.

Learn more