No emotion in relationship
11 Toxic Signs There's No Emotional Intimacy in Your Marriage
A marriage with no emotional intimacy is one of the most common (and painful) marital complaints reported by couples:
It keeps you up at night, worrying about what’s wrong with your relationship and whether your marriage can last.
It leaves you feeling frustrated, disconnected, and alone.
But no matter how emotionally disconnected you might feel right now, the good news is that you can rebuild connection in your relationship.
And take it even deeper than you’ve ever experienced before.
In this blog, you’re going to learn:
- What exactly a lack of emotional intimacy is
- Why relationships lose emotional intimacy
- 11 toxic signs that there’s no emotional intimacy in your marriage
What Is A Lack Of Emotional Intimacy?
Relationships that lack emotional intimacy are characterized by feelings of isolation, disconnection, and a lack of emotional safety.
Even though there’s time spent together, there’s no real emotional connection or understanding between you. And the effects of a lack of intimacy are serious.
Over time, a lack of emotional intimacy will grind a relationship down, and ultimately break it apart:
A study* by psychologists Gigy & Kelly from the California Divorce Mediation Project found that the breakdown of emotional connection in relationships is one of the leading causes of divorce.
And one of the leading causes of affairs.
So it’s safe to say that without emotional intimacy, a relationship can feel empty and ultimately, pointless.
Can a Marriage Survive Without Emotional Intimacy?
Most marriages will struggle to survive without emotional intimacy. Emotional connection is an essential ingredient in a healthy marriage, and a core reason couples enter relationships in the first place. You might be able to tough it out for the kids or for financial reasons, but most couples desire more than just grinding away the years together.
And when a marriage has the potential to be so much more, why would you settle?
Modern marriage asks a lot more of us. It’s not the 1800s anymore – we want more than just a convenient financial or political arrangement:
- We want to feel close, connected, loved, and cherished.
- We want to become a kick-ass team, sharing life’s adventures and taking on the world together.
- And we want our relationships to nurture and inspire us – to help us grow into our best selves and fulfil our highest potential.
It’s not enough then for a marriage to just survive. Now, more than ever, we want our marriage to thrive.
And to do that, emotional intimacy is essential.
Why Do Relationships Lose Emotional Intimacy?
Relationships lose emotional intimacy for simple reasons like busy schedules or difficulty finding quality time together. Or there can be more emotionally-nuanced and complex reasons, from a lack of emotional safety, fear of vulnerability, or underlying tensions in the relationship.
Here’s the thing – although most couples desire a deep sense of connection, emotional intimacy can also be scary. And there are plenty of things that can get in the way:
- Unresolved hurts, conflicts, and resentments that make it feel unsafe to open up.
- The vulnerability of being seen… Or the fear of being rejected, unlovable, or ‘not enough’.
- Simply not knowing how to build emotional intimacy, and being scared to try something new.
Unfortunately, some of our most sincere attempts to create emotional intimacy often go awry and create even more distance, simply because we don’t have the right tools for connection.
But maintaining or rebuilding emotional intimacy is a skill – and like any skill, it’s something that can be learned.
We’ll get to the how in a moment. But first, let’s take a closer look at the effects of a lack of intimacy in a relationship.
11 Signs There’s No Emotional Intimacy In Your Relationship
signs there’s no emotional intimacy #1:
You’re Distancing Yourself
As emotional intimacy in a relationship begins to fade, it’s common to withdraw and emotionally detach as a coping strategy.
Emotional disconnection is a painful experience, so it makes sense that you’d want to take steps to protect yourself.
But this emotional detachment only creates more distance, and the downward spiral of disconnection continues.
signs there’s no emotional intimacy #2:
You Feel Lonely
It’s one of the most painful experiences you can have in a marriage – to spend so much time with your partner, and yet still feel alone:
To sleep in the same bed, eat meals at the dinner table, to share a life with them, and yet feel like you don’t know them. Or that they don’t truly see the real you.
Feeling lonely, misunderstood, or distant from your partner, even when you’re living under the same roof, is a clear sign there’s a serious lack of emotional connection in your relationship.
signs there’s no emotional intimacy #3:
You’re Less Affectionate
A relationship without emotional intimacy can quickly become a relationship without affection.
When there’s distance between you, reaching out for physical affection – whether it’s holding hands, cuddling, or kissing – can feel vulnerable or scary.
And if a lack of emotional connection has started to affect your sex life, physical affection can be misread as an unwanted attempt to initiate sex, which creates even more strain and tension.
signs there’s no emotional intimacy #4:
You’re Having Less Sex
Whether you’re in a sexless marriage or a low-sex relationship, a lack of emotional intimacy is a commonly-overlooked cause.
Many couples make the unfortunate mistake of blaming low libidos. Which has them searching for answers in all the wrong places.
But if you’re not having as much sex as you’d like to – or if you find that the topic of sex keeps leading to arguments – emotional detachment can be a likely cause.
(If sex is a problem in your relationship and you want more physical intimacy, check out our complete how-to guide to reigniting your love life).
signs there’s no emotional intimacy #5:
You Don’t Know What To Say
If you don’t have the skills to build emotional intimacy in your relationship, it’s likely that your conversations have become flat and lifeless. After so long together, it can feel like there’s nothing left to say.
But the same skills that build intimacy are the same skills that give you new and exciting things to talk about.
Who you are, the things you think, and the things you feel, are always changing. Which means there’s always more to share, explore, and discover about each other.
signs there’s no emotional intimacy #6:
You’ve Lost Empathy
You probably know that empathy – ‘the ability to understand and share the feelings of another’ – is important. But if you’re lacking emotional intimacy in your relationship, having empathy can be difficult:
How can you seek to understand each other if you feel emotionally distant? And if you feel like your partner doesn’t listen or show you empathy, it can be challenging to offer it in return.
As you lose empathy for each other, opening up and being vulnerable feels unsafe, leading to even more emotional withdrawal.
signs there’s no emotional intimacy #7:
You’re Arguing More
From the top things couples argue about (sex, parenting, money, family, housework), to the seemingly trivial (like the right way to make a grilled cheese sandwich*), a lack of emotional connection puts you on edge and always ready to fight.
signs there’s no emotional intimacy #8:
You Communicate With ‘Barbed Jokes’
You know the ones:
Those thinly-veiled attempts at ‘innocent humour’ that are actually unspoken complaints or passive-aggressive attempts to get your point across, or change each other’s behaviour.
When there’s no emotional intimacy in your marriage, it doesn’t feel safe to bring up concerns directly. So we try to use less direct methods. (#protip: not being clear makes things worse).
➜ RELATED: Be A Better Husband By Avoiding These 21 Common Mistakes
signs there’s no emotional intimacy #9:
You’re Walking On Eggshells
If you’re scared of saying the wrong thing or getting into an argument, then you’re likely walking on eggshells around each other.
But trying to always say the right thing and manage your partner’s moods is exhausting – and it’s a sign that the trust and intimacy in your relationship is dangerously low.
It means you’re either fighting too much, or you don’t have an effective strategy for having difficult conversations and turning conflict into connection. To begin rebuilding emotional intimacy, the first step is letting go of responsibility for your partner’s emotions.
signs there’s no emotional intimacy #10:
You Don’t Support Each Other
When you have emotional intimacy, you feel like an unstoppable team. It’s the two of you, taking on the world together, and supporting each other to become your best selves.
But if the intimacy is gone, you don’t have the energy or the desire to champion each other. You’re more like adversaries: score-keeping and trying to ‘win’ against each other.
signs there’s no emotional intimacy #11:
You Question If You’re In The Right Relationship
Emotional connection is an essential human need and a core reason why we get into relationships.
So if your emotional needs are not being met, it’s natural to doubt whether your relationship will make you happy in the long term.
You might find yourself fantasizing about other people, or thinking through the practicalities of a separation.
Although it’s natural to have moments of doubt in a marriage, if it’s a long-term pattern, it’s a sign that something needs to change.
Rebuilding Intimacy In A Relationship
Well… That’s the bleak bit out of the way.
Now that you know some of the warning signs to look out for, it’s time to focus on how to rebuild emotional intimacy.
In part two, you’ll learn 14 practical, evidence-based tools, techniques, habits, and mindsets that’ll help you create a deeply-connected relationship. Check it out here:
How To Build Emotional Intimacy
Or if sex is a problem in your relationship and you want more physical intimacy, check out our complete how-to guide to help you reignite your love life.
Or if you’re ready to take your relationship to the next level, these 11 conscious marriage goals will help get you there.
Sources & References
At Practical Intimacy we’re committed to keeping our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy. We use only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles.
Borresen, Kelsey. (2016, January 15) 17 Truly Ridiculous Things Couples Have Actually Fought About. Huffpost.
https://www.huffpost.com/entry/truly-ridiculous-things-couples-have-actually-fought-about_n_5699450ce4b0ce4964245e88
Brookes Kift, L. (2017, February 27) In Relationships, Not Arguing Means You’re Not Communicating. The Gottman Institute. https://www.gottman.com/blog/relationships-not-arguing-means-youre-not-communicating/
Reece Stockhausen & Jodie Milton have made improving people’s lives and relationships both their passion, and their career.
With over 25 years experience in the Personal Development industry, and 8 years coaching singles and couples, their no-BS advice has been featured in Cosmopolitan, Bustle, and HuffPost.
Book in for a complimentary online video call to discover how their men's, women's, and couple's coaching programs can support you.
Lack of emotional connection in a relationship - what are the signs?
Do you and your partner feel like ships in the night? Do you “function” well together but always get the sense that there’s something missing?
Your relationship may be lacking in emotional intimacy.
But that doesn’t mean it’s time to throw the towel in just yet. That’s because emotional intimacy can be cultivated. It’s an ongoing practice and one you can start fostering today.
What is emotional intimacy in a relationship?Emotional intimacy is the foundation of all healthy relationships. It’s the sense of closeness and connection you feel with another person.
The feeling of being truly seen, heard and appreciated by your partner. In turn, this helps create trust and security in a relationship.
At the beginning of a new relationship, there are all kinds of different feelings in the mix. There’s the rush and excitement of meeting someone new and that ever elusive spark… But these feelings can sometimes lead us to bypass the more important stuff, like:
Do we have the same values?
Do we want the same things in life?
Are we both willing to be vulnerable with each other?
Can we both share our hopes, dreams and fears with each other, without fear of judgement?
Emotional intimacy is something that is built gradually over time. It develops as we begin to share all the different parts of ourselves – and especially the parts we struggle with most. The more we are able to (safely) share our inner world with another person, the more we allow each person to truly be themselves.
Sharing our vulnerability with another person can feel scary – especially if it’s something we’re not used to.
However, without it, we stand to risk much more. Because without emotional intimacy, our relationships are going to feel empty.
Things appear OK on the surface level but the relationship is devoid of any real depth – you rarely talk about how you’re feeling and when you do, you worry a lot about how your partner will take it.
You don’t feel like your partner “gets” you – if you don’t feel understood by your partner, you’re probably lacking an emotional connection.
You’re not very touchy feely – physical closeness (like holding hands, kissing etc.) requires emotional closeness. If you and your partner are not very tactile with each other, your relationship may be more functional than it is deep.
You don’t talk about the important stuff – open and honest communication is the basis of all healthy relationships. Even though difficult conversations can feel hard, they often end up strengthening the bond we have with our partner.
It’s true that emotional intimacy is a two-way street. That said, in order to feel connected to another person you must first feel connected to yourself. How comfortable are you with your own emotions? Are you the kind of person who wears their heart on their sleeve or do you have a tendency to brush things under the carpet? If it’s the latter, it’s time to start connecting to your own inner world. Therapy is a great place to start this process. The more you are able to be vulnerable and authentic with yourself, the more you’ll be able to extend this outwards to a partner.
Here are some steps you can take to create the opportunity for greater intimacy in your relationship:
Try and gradually start sharing deeper emotions with your partner – Share your hopes and dreams for the future, as well as the things you are afraid of.
Be curious – ask your partner intentional questions. For example, “what makes you feel most loved?” Or “what’s the biggest risk you’ve ever taken?”
Offer thoughtful gestures – surprise them by bringing them tea in bed (if that’s something you don’t usually do) or give them a spontaneous hug and tell them how grateful you are to have them in your life.
Share memories – if you’ve been together a while, get out some old photos and share happy stories and memories.
Do meaningful activities together – instead of going to the same old restaurant on “date night”, try switching it up instead. Take an evening class in something you’re both interested in, listen to a new podcast or go to an exhibition.
Emotional intimacy doesn’t appear overnight. But the more you invest in truly being yourself – and allowing the space for your partner to do the same – the closer your bond will become. Connection is a basic human need and, fundamentally, it’s something we all want. It’s worth fighting for!
No emotions. Cold relationship for six months.
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9000 2016, 16:06
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scorp
Well, apparently, emotions are important to me, he organizes them for me, a generator of ideas.
Yesterday I wrote that I had nowhere to go, I parked the car near the restaurant for several hours, I drove once, I think, well, insolent, I drove two, then I couldn’t stand it, stopped, went in, there was nobody there.
I don't know what would have happened there, probably material damage and burns, or again the cold war, on the contrary, I don't know. But that would be outrageous 😑😑
#20
#21
Yulitta
and you yourself do everything you want to see from him? hug him? say the words "miss you" to him, etc.? m.b. he himself is like that .. show him all these emotions that you want in return, mb he will open up .. talk to him about it, otherwise a gentle, affectionate girl will see him who will tell him about love and do some nice things .
.
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Guest
was like that, Virgin according to the horoscope, our restraint is all!)) I couldn't do anything else..
#25
Guest
maybe I don't understand something? But only see each other on the weekends? Haven't told you about love for half a year? and you think it's early and normal? Obviously, you are a girl for him to fill loneliness, meet love, leave you. As long as everything suits him, there is where to come, the vessel is waiting for him .... I’m telling you objectively right in the eyes, because I have a boyfriend, he had the same one before me.
He told me that they also saw each other once or twice a week, there was no talk from him about any feelings. And she loved him dearly. They stayed for 8 months, and then the last months because she began to poke him money and lure expensive gifts. With me, everything is different with him, we see each other every day, he confessed his love in a week ... so the author does not console yourself with deceptive hopes, but until you find your man, be with it, especially since you have time for dates
#26
#27
leaves completely ignored
If you are really dear to him, he will reconsider his attitude towards you, come running and ask for a second chance.
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NO EMOCIONS FROM THE SUMPLE
#2
Ketty
He explains this by saying that it is not close to him, that he never did this and never loved before me..
#3
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Ketty
22222 Yes, I myself don’t want it to be like that from under the stick.
. but without romance, it feels like we have no emotions at all, as if we’ve been married for years 20
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#13,0002 Lonely
Try it yourself - try to slow it down - drive-drag somewhere, arrange romantic evenings for two. Maybe it will come to life, and you will move.
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Guest
will stopudov fall in love with him with all his hands and fall in love with him with all his hands! ! such are Russian women!
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Guest
It will not be the case) it will throw it, find a brutal macho with a romance and romance and taverns, and in addition to other women, drunks, scuffles, maklovoshkas and other surprises.
Then this macho will naturally leave her, she will find two or three more like her. with his modest, but he will already be busy with a smart girl who will give birth to a couple of kids for him)))
#21
Ketty
Since when did brutal machos become romantics??
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#23
Ketty
Good behavior is everyday life, as if you've been a wife for 20 years.
Guys send poems to my girlfriends songs .. I don’t say send it myself. But doesn’t a person really have a beautiful song that reminds him of me and send it to the social network ?? Or give a postcard? Or say, darling, get ready, I'm taking you somewhere today! I'm not saying that you need to throw out a bunch of grandmas .. But do such trifles ?? Is this relationship normal? How are the two old men?
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Your guestAnd you are not his girlfriend.
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Ketty
I just don't get it, but a lot of girls like it.
He never even gave flowers to his ex. He sometimes tries to make romance with me, but it seems to me that this is under duress .. And the one that I do, I also see that he doesn’t really need it. He does not need candlelit dinners and so on, he himself says that he will be more happy if I iron his shirts, cook a hefty piece of meat, have sex with him .. He generally likes everyday life! He is too mundane, and I am too sublime .. I am a creative person, he is earthly .. And now we love each other, but we can’t get along. I make a video about love for him, but he wants a piece of pork)) he washes the dishes, takes me to the doctor, buys clothes, but I want poems and surprises)) what to do?
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Guest
It will not be like that) She will leave him, find a brutal macho with romance and taverns, and in addition with other women, drunks, scuffles, maklovoshki and other surprises. Then this macho will naturally leave her, she will find two or three more like her., but with the same scenario. And then she will cry at night for her modest, but he will already be busy with a smart girl who will give birth to a couple of kids for him)))
#43
Ketty
Good behavior is everyday life as if you have been a wife for 20 years. Guys send poems to my girlfriends songs .. I don’t say send it myself. But doesn’t a person really have a beautiful song that reminds him of me and send it to the social network ?? Or give a postcard? Or say, darling, get ready, I'm taking you somewhere today! I'm not saying that you need to throw out a bunch of grandmas .
