Dating a codependent man

Signs Your Partner Is Codependent

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Save Article IconA bookmarkShare iconAn curved arrow pointing right. Read in app Codependent relationships can be detrimental to both people. The CW

Codependency is when one partner feels an excessive emotional reliance on their partner.
Textbook signs of codependent personalities are people-pleasing, low self-esteem, and always needing to be in control.
According to codependency expert, Darlene Lancer, codependency is a disorder of the self.
Clinical psychologist Dr. Jennifer Rhodes said the key to a strong relationship is healthy interdependence.

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Maintaining a healthy relationship is hard. Many times, issues that may cause problems later, manifest themselves without a couple even realizing. Codependency is one such issue. "Codependency is excessive emotional or psychological reliance on a partner," Dr. Jennifer Rhodes, a clinical psychologist, told INSIDER.

According to Darlene Lancer, a marriage and family therapist and author of "Conquering Shame and Codependency: 8 Steps to Freeing the True You," a person can become codependent because of how they were raised. "Dysfunctional families or growing up with an ill parent is likely to create codependent behavior," she said. Of course, being raised in a dysfunctional family by no means guarantees you will be codependent later in life, but for some, it can create this pattern.

Signs of a codependent partner are not always obvious to spot. According to Dr. Rhodes, oftentimes, the codependent behavior makes the other partner feel good so there is no incentive for them to interfere. "The codependent partner has to separate and develop their own self-esteem or leave the relationship for both people to get better," Dr. Rhodes explained.

Here are 10 ways to tell if your partner is too codependent.

They can't say no, ever.

It can be difficult for a codependent person to say "no." HBO

It's one thing to do something nice for someone you care about, but it's another to feel like you always have to.

According to Lancer, codependents don't feel they have a choice. "Saying 'no' causes them anxiety so they go out of their way to sacrifice their needs to accommodate other," she said.

They never feel like they're good enough for you.

It can be hard for a codependent person to accept that they can be loved for who they really are. WAYHOME studio / Shutterstock

Oftentimes, a codependent partner in a relationship will exhibit low self-esteem. According to Lancer, they don't feel a strong sense of self-worth which is one of the reasons they are always aiming to please.

For this reason, codependents tend to not express their true feelings or what they're really thinking out of fear that their partner may abandon them.

They feel responsible for you.

Codependents put others first. Spencer Platt/Getty Images

"Codependent partners are willing to make extreme sacrifices to make their partner happy," Dr. Rhodes explained. They will go above and beyond to meet their partner's needs no matter what it takes.

Codependents put others first, which sounds altruistic, but when it's at the cost of your own well-being they are doing more harm for themselves than good.

They get upset when they don't hear from you.

Codependents might have a strong fear of abandonment. Freeform

If a codependent feels any type of abandonment, even if it's something as small as not getting a call from their partner when they said they would, they can quickly shut down.

"This is due to their high levels of fear of abandonment," Dr. Rhodes explained. Suddenly, every worst-case scenario about what could have happened to their significant other is running through their head, when in reality their partner is fine.

They can't enjoy themselves without you.

They might only feel safe around you. Netflix

Chances are, if you're in a serious relationship you and your partner have "couple friends," but it's important to also have your own friends, too.

Dr. Rhodes said codependent partners have trouble enjoying life outside of their relationship because they feel safer, more in control, and confident when they're with their significant other.

They fixate on their mistakes.

Mistakes might feel like a big deal to codependents. Shutterstock

We all mess up in relationships, but the important thing is to forgive each other and move on.

"Codependent partners fixate on their mistakes," said Dr. Rhodes. The reason for this, according to Lancer, is that a codependent needs other people's approval to feel good about themselves and if they mess up, or make a mistake, they feel anxiety and stress of abandonment.

They have poor personal boundaries.

It's hard for codependents to set boundaries. Monkey Business Images / Shutterstock

"Codependents feel responsible for others which leads to weak personal boundaries," Lancer explained.

Many times, a codependent partner is so crippled, knowingly or not, by the fear of abandonment, the fear that they'll jeopardize the relationship, or won't be liked, that they have a hard time setting boundaries for themselves — physical or emotional.

They must always be in control.

They can often be manipulative. Focus Features

Lancer explained that being in control helps codependents feel safe and secure. Obviously, we all want to have some amount of control over our lives, but for a codependent partner, staying in control keeps them from having to take risks or share their true feelings.

"All the people pleasing and caretaking is a form of control as well," Lancer said. It may be subconscious, but being extra nice and a people-pleaser helps codependents manipulate people and situations the way they feel they need to be.

They're very indecisive.

They likely don't want to upset their partner. Freeform

From what to have for dinner to whether or not to take a job offer, a codependent is not good about making decisions, no matter how trivial. They rely so heavily on their partner's opinions and feelings towards them that they'd rather not have an opinion as not to upset their partner if they should disagree.

"They're afraid to be truthful because they don't want to upset anyone," Lancer said.

They can't stand not being there for you when you need.

It goes back to their feelings of needing to be in control. oneinchpunch / Shutterstock

We all want to be there for the people we love but sometimes life gets in the way and we can't. If a codependent can't be there for their partner, they can feel very distressed.

Lancer said this all goes back to the feeling of being in control and low self-esteem. If someone else is helping out their partner in need, no matter how silly the need may be, it will make them feel inadequate.

Ultimately codependents must find themselves on their own.

Healthy interdependence is the key. Shutterstock

"It's a misconception to think you can "fix" a codependent relationship," Lancer said. "Codependency is a disorder of the self. You can only work on changing yourself. That's why it's important to practice detachment from your partner to become more autonomous and less reactive," she told INSIDER.

Dr. Rhodes agreed, "Healthy interdependence is the key. That means that you are emotionally available for your partner but do not rely on them for your feelings of love and overall well-being. We believe that independence is the healthiest state of being when, in reality, a healthy relationship with good interdependence is what we should be striving for."

The goal is to focus on yourself. "Trying to change your partner is a sign of your own codependency, and the opposite is actually necessary – focus on yourself," Lancer told INSIDER. "When one partner changes, the entire dynamic shifts, and the other partner changes too, by necessity."

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How to Date Someone Who Is Codependent

Pixland/Pixland/Getty Images

A person who is codependent defines himself in terms of the service or help that he provides for others. Codependency originated as a term to describe the spouse of an alcoholic -- someone who enables an addict by covering up for her at work or with family after a drunken episode, says Avrum Geurin Weiss, Ph.D., director the Pine River Psychotherapy Training Institute in Atlanta, in the "Redbook" article "Signs of a Codependent Relationship." The concept of codependency has since changed to encompass unhealthy emotional dependencies, whether the partner is an alcoholic or not. When dating someone who is codependent, there is a need for awareness, honest communication and the maintenance of separate lives outside of the relationship.

Understand Codependency

The first step to successfully navigating a relationship with someone who has this problem is to understand the symptoms of codependency. A person who is codependent generally suffers with low self-esteem, works hard at pleasing others and has poor boundaries, says marriage and family therapist Darlene Lancer, in the “Psychology Today” article “Symptoms of Codependency.” A lack of boundaries can mean that these individuals take everything too personally — feeling responsible for the moods of others and absorbing what everyone else says as true. For example, your codependent partner may feel he is worthless if his mother speaks badly of him. People who are codependent also have trouble communicating honestly because they are afraid to upset the other person. They also may stay in unhappy relationships out of fear of being rejected or abandoned.

Encourage Honesty

A person who is codependent may be afraid to express his own thoughts, feelings and needs out of fear of rejection, says Lancer. Encourage honesty in the relationship by offering positive support to your partner when he does have the courage to be truthful about his thoughts and feelings. In the same manner, if you sense he is not being forthright about his needs, provide an opportunity to discuss them. For example, if he lets you make most of the plans for your dates and goes along with your choices of restaurants and movies — start asking for his opinions about where he would like to eat and what he would like to see. Be open to his feelings, thoughts and choices and be clear that you want to be partners in making decisions in the relationship, rather than having him bend to your needs.

Spend Time Apart

The person who is codependent may seek to control you — out of a need to always have you close. He may monitor the time you spend with friends, keep in close touch with you by telephone or try to be with you most of the time, says Michael McKee, a psychologist at the Cleveland Clinic, in the “Redbook” article “Signs of a Codependent Relationship.” That need to control can also leave you dependent on your partner, says Shawn Meghan Burn, professor of psychology at the California Polytechnic State University at San Luis Obispo, in the “Psychology Today” article “Are You In a Codependent Relationship?” If your partner has controlled different aspects of your life, you may be left with poor life skills or a lack of confidence. Clinical psychologist Seth Meyers suggests that spending time alone and apart from your partner is key to maintaining boundaries in a codependent situation. Encourage the man you are dating to spend time on his own doing productive things, and do the same yourself. Doing so will help build confidence and life skills as well as the ability to function separately.

Suggest Counselling

In a situation in which codependency is affecting the functioning of an individual, counseling or a 12-step program such as codependents anonymous may be a good option, says Lancer. Codependent individuals need to learn how to become more assertive and build self-esteem — both of which may require professional help beyond what you can offer as a dating partner. Codependent individuals are also usually drawn to others with their own personal issues such as addictions. If you suffer with a mental health concern yourself, and feel that you are being enabled in your addiction or other behavior by a codependent dating partner, seeking treatment for your addiction or other problem will be beneficial for the relationship as a whole.

Getting Out of a Co-Dependent Relationship: 12 Essential Steps

If your self-worth depends on your partner's approval, and their emotions and actions are always more important than yours, your relationship may be co-dependent. “Codependency is “an unhealthy, inadequate, or dangerous need for another person; I would argue that these relationships are dominated by fear and need instead of love and abundance,” says Andrea Miller, author of Radical Acceptance: The Secret to Happy and Lasting Love.

Co-dependent relationships are often built with people who have some form of addiction - alcohol, drugs, gambling. A 12-step program has been developed for addicts and their families. What are these steps and why are they so important?

1 step. Admit your powerlessness

As long as the codependent is responsible for the dependent person, tries to save him, he loses control over his own life. The addict (alcohol, drugs, games) admits to being powerless over the chemical or games to begin recovery. And a person suffering from emotional dependence on another (that is, co-dependent) needs to admit at the very beginning of his path his powerlessness in the face of an obsessive desire to control the life of another and influence his choices and decisions. Even if these choices and decisions destroy the life of a loved one. nine0003

2 step. Be Honest

Just as a person who abuses alcohol can pretend to himself that he drinks “culturally”, so a co-dependent person can pretend that his involvement in the life of another person is a genuine concern. In fact, the codependent gets hung up on the other from the inability to be alone, to cope with what he has inside. It is always easier to pretend that everything is fine with me, but the problems of my loved ones are much more serious.

3 step. Ask for help

Having admitted that he is unable to control the situation with the power of his own “I”, the codependent (in the same way as the dependent) thus recognizes the presence of another, decisive force that keeps him afloat and does not allow his personality to completely dissolve in the near (in addicts - in alcohol / drugs / games). The source of this power is determined individually - someone is healed by faith in God, someone visits groups for co-dependents, and some believe in the knowledge of psychotherapists who take part in their fate. nine0003

4 step. Get away from mythological thinking

Codependents often ignore problems and pretend they don't exist. Facing reality is scary and they pretend like the circumstances aren't as bad as they are. Likewise, substance addicts deny for a very long time that their substance cravings have become a real problem, without considering it necessary to seek help. It is necessary to focus on finding support and resources that will help you accept reality, maintain your integrity and withstand the harsh reality of the world. nine0003

5 step. Learning to identify and live with your feelings

The inability to deal with difficult feelings (such as anger, hatred, anger, guilt, shame, etc.) often becomes the impetus for escaping reality into drinking and drugs or games. Then dependence is a consequence of the inability to recognize, live and express their emotions. A person who is dependent on another person does not live his life at all and does not know his feelings. He also does not know how to deal with them, cannot cope with them, and therefore it is easier for him to switch to another, to escape into the reality of his life. nine0003

6 step. Set boundaries

Normal boundaries are semipermeable. People share with each other the contents of their inner world, this is a mutual and comfortable process for everyone. But in codependents, boundaries are violated. They may blame others for their thoughts, feelings, and actions, or they may take the blame for the thoughts, feelings, and actions of another person. A recovering person after using chemicals learns to say “no” to alcohol or drugs, to recognize the manipulation of former drinking buddies, to maintain self-respect regardless of the opinions of others. And a dependent on another person learns to say “no” to what does not suit him, does not correspond to his values and interests. nine0003

Co-dependent relationships: the real story of a girl

An unhealthy feeling when you seem to be unable to breathe without a loved one, alas, is familiar to many. The reasons for codependency are different, but equally detrimental. Our heroine named Lana told how she got out of these tenacious paws once and for all.

Daria Gulyaykina star editor

tags:

Relationship psychology

Relationships with men

Relationship with parents

Unhealthy relationships

#Independent

As a child, I never felt safe at home. The father was a violent alcoholic, and the mother was short-tempered and critical. If dad didn’t drink, then he played computer games a lot: I often sat next to him, tried to engage him in a dialogue, but it rarely worked out. Although my father was physically close, emotionally he was infinitely far from me. nine0003

Dad never made good money, and my mom had to become the breadwinner in the house, so I hardly saw her - at most in the evenings and on weekends. But even then, she was usually engaged in everyday life - cooking, washing, cleaning. I tried not to interfere, as my mother could easily flare up.

Violence in my family was the norm. A frequent occurrence: the father got drunk, and he and his mother fought. But the matter was not limited to physical violence only: emotionally in our family everyone suppressed each other. If my mother and I quarreled or I expressed my disagreement, I was punished with a boycott. Mother could not talk to me for several days, and for a child this is unbearable. As a rule, I was the first to put up, regardless of whether I was guilty or not. nine0003

I was often compared to other children, criticized, devalued my progress or not interested in it at all. When your relatives do this to you, it becomes the norm. This is how servility developed in me: with good behavior, humor and complaisance, I tried to win the love of mom and dad.

Nobody wants

When I was 12 years old, my parents finally divorced, but then I felt guilty because of this, believing that I was not a good and obedient child to save my family. nine0003

I didn't get along with my peers either: until I was 14, I fought a lot, because I couldn't always explain something in words. I grew up quick-tempered, there was a lot of pain in me, so any criticism was perceived by me as a direct attack, and I fought back physically.

At school I was an outsider, I was bullied by both peers and some teachers. Even today I understand that I had a typical victim psychology: I seemed to be wearing a “Kick me” sign, which people willingly did. nine0003

I hated school and after the 9th grade I continued my studies at the college. The teachers who bullied me thought it was a good decision. They openly said that nothing would come of me, I would marry an alcoholic, give birth to 10 children and sort out beets in the nearest supermarket. These voices still ring in my head, even though I completed my master's thesis a year ago and lived in the States for a while.

Matters of the heart

I have never been a beauty, but I have always been a cheerful and interesting girl. People often wanted to be friends with me, but not to meet, so I built romantic relationships mainly with those who chose me. It happened that I managed to get the attention of the guy I liked, but it was short-lived. And soon, afraid of being rejected, I no longer initiated any romantic encounters. nine0003

My first co-dependent relationship started when I was 16 years old. At first glance, I didn’t like the guy at all: he was almost 18, he was registered with the police for causing grievous bodily harm in a fight, lived separately from his father and mother, was brought up by his grandmother, who often beat him. In general, he was also a victim and co-dependent. Let's call him J.

The more we talked, the more I felt our kinship. In the end, I stopped being interested in the world around me, friends, studies. I skipped college just to be around him. Zh. became the center of my life: in separation, I went crazy with longing for him, called, wrote, cried. It was crazy. I completely melted into the person. nine0003

We started fighting. I often became the cause of quarrels: I wanted to save him, fix him, make him better, since he did not study and did not work, he lived on the allowance for the loss of his parents, who were deprived of parental rights. I kept our couple. Rescuing a "drowning man" was the norm for me: all my childhood I saw how my mother saves my father from alcoholism.

We were together for 3 years, which was accompanied by emotional chaos, lack of money and constant solution to his problems. I lost all my friends, but desperately clung to Zh. , it seemed to me that he understood me better than anyone. But the longer we were together, the more I realized that this was not my person. The intellectual gap also widened: I was preparing to enter medical school as a clinical psychologist, and he was content with education 9classes.

We parted several times: I felt bad next to Zh., but even worse without him. It was my drug. And yet, on the eve of the final exams from the college, I asked to take a break in order to have the strength to study. During this time, he found another: he knew that I would not forgive betrayal.

My world was destroyed, and then I began to destroy myself as well: I got drunk, went to clubs and stayed overnight in dubious companies. By autumn, I developed depression: in my head I scrolled through our relationship and at some point idealized Zh. to such an extent that I could no longer imagine my life without him. nine0003

In November, he called and offered to meet, we talked for a long time and . .. decided to get together. And again this vicious circle: I abandoned my studies and endlessly controlled his every step - where he is, with whom he is, what he is doing. In the end, we broke up for good.

American fight

After some time, I went to America for an internship. On the one hand, I rejoiced at this heady freedom, adventures, on the other hand, I missed home, I was lonely, and I subconsciously looked for relationships so as not to feel abandoned. nine0003

Soon the manager of the hotel where I worked introduced me to a guy. Let's call him Tyler. We started dating. In American culture, women are seen as equals to men. I got used to the patriarchal system and, accordingly, expected from Tyler what he a priori could not give me. Our mentalities constantly clashed, and this gave rise to constant conflicts. For example, we earned the same money, but in public places everyone paid for himself. I was angry and offended, realizing that it was not only a matter of culture, but also a banal unwillingness to bear responsibility for me. nine0003

But these are flowers: Tyler was a drug addict and a game addict, because of which his mood was always unpredictable - he could react to the same situation in completely different ways. Such a life on a powder keg reminded me of childhood: my mother could also flare up for any reason. Most of the time, Tyler was stoned and playing on the console, building a thick wall between us. And the harder I tried to get through to him, the more impregnable this wall became. At the beginning of the relationship, we often walked, spent time together and talked, but after a month of our living together, this all disappeared. nine0003

We often argued, he began to steal my food (let me remind you: everyone in our couple paid for himself, and I risked being hungry), took my bike without asking, and shrugged his shoulders or lied to all my reproaches. Constant domestic conflicts made me stay late at work, and he increasingly smoked weed. Relations deteriorated. Constantly eating stress, I gained 10 kg, my self-esteem fell. I was jealous of Tyler, afraid of losing him.

He began to repeat that he was bored and we needed to get out somewhere. That's how I met his friends. One day we went to a bar where I drank too much. Tyler's friend's girlfriend offered me drugs, and I, wanting to turn off my brain and stop thinking about this destructive relationship for a while, agreed ... The consequences of that party turned my life with Tyler into a hell full of humiliation, psychological abuse and physical aggression. nine0003

I used to fight my feelings of abandonment with alcohol. In the US, it has become a drug. And relationships are torture.

We began to “play” who would hurt whom more, flirted with others in front of each other. Once at home during a showdown after one of these “games”, he grabbed my hands, sharply hit me against the closet wall and stared with complete hatred. Then I realized: this is the end.

I was saved from this relationship by the fact that my work contract ended and my mother flew to the States. Already near the taxi to the airport, Tyler just hugged me like a friend and waved goodbye without saying anything. Just like that, he parted with me, as if nothing had happened between us. nine0003

We continued to keep in touch, even planned to meet, but a couple of months after my departure, we still broke up, and then completely stopped communicating. It's a miracle that it all ended like this: later analyzing these relationships in conversations with a psychologist and in self-help groups, I realized that I was one step away from turning into my mother - an exhausted woman, beaten by her husband, who had nowhere to go.

The same rake

I returned to my studies (the last year of the psychology department), but I could not let Tyler go. Once I had a nervous breakdown right on the steam. Another day, during a group exercise, I burst into tears, and the teacher comforted me. It was she who advised me to contact a psychologist. nine0003

I did just that: I went to therapy for several months and pulled myself together. But, as they say, to sew up - they sewed up, but if everything is in place, they forgot to check. I functioned, but there was a deep trauma inside me, hence the sluggish, but prolonged depressions.

During this period my third co-dependent relationship happened. He was a student from another country. Paradoxically, but, fearing rejection and abandonment, I chose people who would 100% leave me. This guy destroyed my self-esteem, already undermined by a previous boyfriend. I seriously thought about suicide. It seemed to me that I was defective, wrong, not deserving of life itself. He endlessly criticized me for my appearance, my cooking skills, my thoughts, my work. I could never please him in anything, and the more I dreamed of earning his love. Suicidal thoughts again led me to a psychologist, and only thanks to psychotherapy did I get out of this relationship. nine0003

Rescue

The fourth relationship was little better. Firstly, they were at a distance: we saw each other a couple of times a year. Secondly, he was an alcoholic: he ate cereal with absinthe for breakfast.

Next to him, I felt like a princess, and without him the world froze, and I counted the days until we met. He slowly healed my self-esteem, but was infinitely far away. I suffered incredibly because of this, and my life was more like an existence. Unloved work, hated studies, low self-esteem and a constant lack of money... The daily task was to survive until the evening and not commit suicide. nine0003

I wanted to live differently, but didn't know how. I understood that from one co-dependent relationship I fly into others, because I don’t know how to do it any other way. I was wildly tired and at some point found myself on the threshold of a neurosis clinic. Alas, I couldn’t get there because of the summer holidays that began there, but I still found salvation - 12-step communities.

The first step was very difficult. Everything that my psyche carefully chose to forget, I took out, lived through a ton of pain, but for the first time in my life I let it go, and did not bury it deeper into myself. I treated my wounded inner child, on which my personality was based, determined the scheme by which I built relationships with people, learned to work with pain, abandonment, fears, ugly attitudes, and slowly unraveled this tangle. nine0003

Of course, there were setbacks, I wanted to give up everything, but other recoveries and my mentor helped me. I remember how I had a tantrum and I shouted into the phone to my man that I was in a lot of pain and I just want to die. Then I came to my senses in 14 days, although earlier it took months.

From scratch

I got rid of depression and suicidal thoughts: they have not been in my life for a year and a half, and this is a huge gift.

At the third step, I had a false feeling that I was fine and there was no point in continuing the program. But life showed me time after time that I was wrong. Some situations or people appeared that activated my unhealthy behavior from the past. nine0003

I am still in the program and it has become a way of life. I no longer survive, but live. I plan my future, while earlier in the evenings I was just glad that I didn’t go out the window during the day.

Little by little I cultivate love for myself, I learn not to leave myself, because if I am always with me, then no one else can leave me. I take care of myself and listen to my own desires. I am learning to defend my boundaries and declare when they are violated. I meditate a lot - it helps to live through negative feelings and regain myself. Today I understand that it is impossible to please everyone, but the main thing is to please yourself. nine0003

I was no longer attracted to troubled men with a difficult past. Today I want a relationship with a full-fledged, well-developed man. Today, next to me are those who love and appreciate me for who I am. I don't need to adapt to anyone, to please.

You can't get rid of codependency with a click. Not in a day, not in a year - especially when you "used" other people for decades. But today I have the tools to keep myself from falling into addiction again. I began to avoid romantic contact with people with addiction or a difficult life history. I would like to save my soul. nine0003

Expert comment:

Anna Ehrenburg

Family psychologist

We are all dependent and co-dependent to one degree or another. The problem arises at the moment when a person loses himself as a person who has the right to life, freedom, love, and completely drowns in another person. He essentially loses his independence, and his world, as we see in the example of the heroine, ceases to exist if there is no other person nearby.

And now let's talk about the source of codependency. We humans are very complex creatures, and there are both charms and pluses and minuses in this. A baby who has just been born is maximally dependent on his adult - without him, he simply cannot survive. Imagine: you are hungry, you are cold or in pain, but you cannot do anything - it remains to hope for help. You are terrified, and the only question in your head is: “Will I survive or not?”. This is what a baby experiences who has just been born and is completely dependent on his adult. nine0003

Why do I emphasize this “my adult” so much? Anyone can support the life of a baby, but in order for him to be able to turn from a child into an adult - strong, successful, happy, he needs his constant adult nearby, who gives him a sense of security, calmness and trust. Such a person loves himself, appreciates himself, does not allow anyone to destroy him and knows when to say “stop” and get out of a relationship that crosses all boundaries.

But when the situation developed exactly the opposite (as in the case of the heroine), a person grows up with a feeling of emptiness, which he fills with the help of other people (sometimes games, alcohol, drugs and even food), and if they somehow reasons go away, he experiences a horror comparable to the fear of death. nine0003

I hear this very often in my consultations: when a successful person, who has achieved a lot, is beautiful, healthy, cries and says that it is as if he is being unplugged, he does not even have the strength to move without his beloved person. As if on the scales at this moment, either life or death.

The great news is that our psyche is very flexible: as adults, when we understand that there is a problem, we can fix it.

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