Controlling mother signs
11 Signs Of Controlling Parents & How To Cope As An Adult
1.
Interfering in nearly every aspect of the child's life.
One of the telltale signs of a controlling parent is interfering in their child's participation in things like group activities, team sports, and school projects, according to licensed marriage and family therapist Weena Cullins, LMFT. "This can begin as early as preschool and continue throughout college," she says.
"They want to influence the child and be part of their every decision," adds clinical psychologist Shefali Tsabary, Ph.D.
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2.
Criticizing any choice a child tries to make independently
When these parents are displeased, they aren't afraid to hold back. For example, "a controlling parent may speak negatively about their child's style of dress unless their child agrees to wear clothing the parent picked out or purchased for them," Cullins explains.
3.
High, truly unattainable standards
Controlling parents put a lot of pressure on their children to live up to their expectations, which are often unreasonably high and unattainable, both Cullins and Tsabary note. Anything less than perfection is unacceptable or disappoints them.
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4.
Conditional love
When these high expectations aren't met, it's not uncommon for a controlling parent to withhold love as a form of manipulation. "Withholding love, affection, or approval when a child fails to meet their standard," Cullins says, is a sign of a controlling parent. For example, if a parent only ever hugs or praises their child when they get good grades, that's a form of conditional love—and a sign of a controlling parent.
5.
Rigid (and unrealistic) rules
Another way parents control their kids is by "creating an atmosphere where rigid rules and boundaries are enforced without explanation or flexibility to adjust when needed," says Cullins.
Tsabary adds that this behavior is a way of projecting their own anxieties onto their child, noting they've learned "to manage their own internal anxieties through the mechanism of controlling others."
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6.
Lack of empathy and respect
Controlling parents won't show their children empathy or even respect their autonomy. "If you are a child with such a parent," Tsabary adds, "it is often extremely challenging—as they often don't take hints for personal space and ways of being."
7.
Unreasonably harsh punishment
Cullins notes that punishments will also be used generously by a controlling parent, namely "creating and enforcing harsh punishments that don't fit their child's infraction."
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8.
Lack of appreciation for the child's individuality
As the child is developing and maturing, the lack of understanding—and appreciation—for their "growing need for independence, autonomy, or privacy" will become apparent, Cullins says.
Rather than accepting their child, a controlling parent will try everything they can to get their kid to be who they want them to be.
9.
Expecting the child to act like a parent
It's not uncommon to see a controlling parent "saddling a child with adult responsibilities, such as being the parent's caregiver," Cullins tells mbg. Tsabary says this may be their way of assuaging their own internal sense of helplessness.
10.
Manipulation through gifts
Controlling parents may manipulate and appease their children with money or gifts as a way to control their decisions and behaviors, according to Cullins. For example, they may offer to help pay for your car but only if you agree to attend a college closer to home.
11.
Playing on guilt and/or shame
As another form of psychological manipulation, Cullins says controlling parents may use guilt and/or shame to control their children. Think statements like, "You'll regret this when I'm dead," or "A good son/daughter wouldn't treat their parent like this.
"
RELATED: 13 Signs Of A Controlling Person + How To Deal
Not only can having a controlling parent affect your development as a child and adolescent, but parents likely don't stop being controlling once their child has turned 18. Plenty will still interfere in their children's lives long into adulthood.
Fundamentally, controlling parents "stunt your own ability to be an autonomous human being, who has a right to make their own mistakes in life," Tsabary says. As Cullins adds, this behavior "prevents their children from developing the autonomy and independence needed to successfully launch into adulthood."
In addition to that, a parent who only offered conditional love and acceptance can "stunt their child’s emotional development and make it difficult to envision, develop, or sustain healthy romantic relationships," Cullins notes. "Children of controlling parents are more likely to become approval-seeking and need external validation.
" And that goes for romantic relationships but also in the workplace or with friends.
Oppositely, she adds, these kids can also grow up to become fiercely independent as a defense mechanism and become averse to conformity in adulthood.
Summary
Controlling parents can affect your ability to be independent in adulthood. They can also stunt your emotional development and cause you to become approval-seeking.
1.
Acknowledge the problem
Dealing with a controlling parent or parents is incredibly difficult. They're your family, and they quite literally raised you. It's natural to feel guilty for being angry with them and even feel denial around whether they're truly "controlling."
Cullin says the first step in dealing with a controlling parent is developing awareness. "A child must be able to identify and distinguish between healthy parental expectations and controlling ones," she says. "If the parent's attitude, expectations, and behavior hinders the child's ability to develop the skills needed to become a self-sufficient adult with self-esteem, it's possible that there is a control issue.
"
2.
Establish boundaries
According to Tsabary, once you've realized a parent is controlling, "the best way to deal with them is through the establishment of strong, firm and consistent boundaries." This can feel scary, but she notes it's "exactly what the child needs to do in order to break free from this dysfunctional pattern."
"Choosing to respectfully make a different choice," Cullins says, "decline a parent’s offer, or not interact if it creates an uncomfortable situation for the child is an acceptable way to develop autonomy while remaining civil."
3.
Get backup
Lastly, Cullins adds that having a healthy community for support is essential. "Children of controlling parents may need trusted outsiders in their corner to act as a sounding board, provide validation and comfort, and even advocate on their behalf when needed," she says. To do this, she suggests enlisting the help of a family member or friend their parent respects.
If it's a battle you can't win on your own, family therapy may be something to consider.
4.
Create space if necessary
If setting boundaries in a loving way doesn't work, "then it is important to create emotional space and distance in another way," Tsabary says.
Ultimately, as an adult, it will be up to the child of the controlling parent to decide whether their parent's controlling behavior can be improved, reconciled, or tolerated. If not, Cullins and Tsabary agree the relationship may need to be modified to have more space.
RELATED: How To Let Go Of The Need For Control, From A Psychologist
Having a controlling parent isn't easy, and the ramifications can be long-lasting. But once a child becomes aware of their parent's behavior and how it's negatively affecting them, it is possible to work on unlearning harmful stories of conditional love and low self-confidence.
They're your parent, and it's OK to feel guilty about being angry with them—but it's never OK to sacrifice your own autonomy. At the end of the day, you and your own self-assuredness will get you through the tensest moments with a controlling parent.
Controlling Parents - 20 Signs And Why They Are Harmful
Having a sense of autonomy and control is essential to our health and well-being1. However, in the last two decades, there has been a disturbing decrease in sense of control among college students2. They believe their lives are controlled by forces outside of themselves. Having controlling mothers or fathers is, at least in part, a prevalent source of such helplessness.
Types of Parental Control
There are two types of parental control – behavioral control and psychological control.
Behavioral Control
Behavioral control refers to supervising and managing children’s behavior. These overbearing parents discipline their kids’ behavior, monitor their whereabouts, and oversee their social life3. Behavioral control is intended to regulate children’s behaviors to conform to the prevailing family or social norms.
Autonomy and regulation are both essential in a child’s development.
Autonomy allows a child to develop a separate identity away from their parents. This process of individuation is particularly important during adolescence when teenagers are getting prepared for adulthood4.
At the same time, parents need to provide adequate structure for the child to learn to inhibit disruptive behavior and engage in socially acceptable behavior5. Structure and guidance in behavior are necessary to facilitate favorable personality development.
Behavioral control, to a certain extent, is paramount in a child’s healthy development. It aims to monitor, teach and regulate appropriate behavior.
However, when parents go overboard and control every minute detail of their children’s behavior, they become over controlling parents6.
Psychological control
Psychological control refers to intruding into children’s emotional and psychological development. Controlling parents are nonresponsive to their children’s emotional and psychological needs.
They constrain, invalidate, and manipulate the kids’ psychological experiences. They also stifle the independent expression of emotions7.
These controlling parents manipulate children’s feelings, thoughts, or ideas through the parent-child relationship using guilt, love withdrawal, showing disappointment, disapproval, and shaming 8. In addition, they want to keep their kids emotionally dependent and enmeshed with them9.
Psychologically controlling parents are experienced by their children as being intrusive, overprotective, possessive, directive, and controlling through guilt10.
Ways of Controlling
Children can experience parental control differently depending on what measures controlling parents use. Here are two orientations of controlling practice.
Internally Controlling
Psychological control is often exerted through subtle, non-verbal cues. These parents appeal primarily to forces and regulations that reside within the child, such as when parents activate feelings of shame and guilt.
Because the control is more internal, covert, and nonobvious, most psychological control measures are internally controlling parenting practices.
Externally Controlling
Externally controlling parenting is done in an open and overt fashion. Shouting, hitting, punishing, and rewarding are the common strategies used to coerce children with external contingencies.
Psychological control is not always internally controlling. Some parents engage in personal attacks or erratic emotional behavior such as alternating between caring for and attacking their children.
Harsh parenting, helicopter parenting, and strict parenting are all externally controlling parenting types. All of these parenting styles are authoritarian parenting styles.
Signs of Controlling Parents
Whether a parent is controlling depends on a combination of several factors11:
- type of control (behavioral vs psychological)
- way of control (internally controlling vs externally controlling)
- level of control (moderate vs high)
- the temperament of the child (does the child perceive them as controlling)
Despite the complexities, there are some parenting practices that are considered controlling “on average”.
Signs of controlling parents include:
- Demand blind obedience and conformity
- Do not allow children to participate in or question the parents’ decisions
- Do not let their child make their own decisions
- Do not encourage choice or independence
- Dictate every aspect of the child’s life
- “Help” the child without being asked
- Use reasons such as “because I said so” to discipline
- Believe children should be seen, but not heard
- Manipulate and exploit the parent-child bond, through such as guilt induction or love withdrawal
- Discipline through punishment and coercion
- Use negative, affect-laden expressions and criticisms, such as disappointment and shame
- Criticize any choices their child make
- Unrealistically high standards and expectations
- Many rigid rules
- Arbitrarily add rules for more control
- Lack of empathy for their child
- Refuse to see things from their child’s perspective
- Believe they are always right
- Always tell you what to do
- Do not respect your privacy
- Emotionally immature
Also See: Narcissistic Parents – 11 Effects and How To Heal
Psychological Effects of Controlling Parenting
Psychologists have found that different controlling factors can cause different impacts on children, especially adolescents.
Lack of behavioral control has long been associated with behavioral problems. These kids act out more and are less capable of inhibiting disruptive behavior.
A moderate amount of behavioral regulation and monitoring is good for children. Enforcing boundaries and monitoring are associated with positive outcomes such as less acting out and better academic performance12.
But when the control is at a high level, the negative impact on children’s development can be long-lasting7 whether it’s behavioral or psychological. At high levels of behavioral or psychological control, adolescents feel that they are incompetent and they don’t matter6.
Parents who are very behaviorally controlling undermine their children’s confidence in their abilities. Excessive parental assistance during tasks and interrupting a child’s problem-solving communicate doubt regarding the child’s competencies. As a result, these children suffer from lower self-esteem.
They are less self-regulated, higher in acting out, and lower in academic achievement13,14.
Many psychologists believe that psychological control is particularly damaging to a child. The insidiously manipulative tactics used by an internally controlling father or overbearing mother can induce feelings of undue loyalty towards parents to comply with their authority.
These children’s compliance is driven by a desire to avoid feeling guilty or losing their parents’ love11. So when they are rejected by their parents, they feel resentment. This mixture of ambiguous and conflicting feelings toward parents creates a sense of inner tension. Children of psychologically controlling parents are more prone to suffer from low self-esteem, and mental health issues, such as anxiety, depression15, and antisocial behavior16.
On the other hand, externally controlling parents have different impacts on their children.
Kids model their behavior after their parents’ behavior. Externally controlled children frequently witness their parents engaging in overt aggressive and controlling behaviors. They are more prone to physical aggression towards others17. They are more likely to become bullies or victims of bullying. They also tend to pass this type of harsh parenting to the next generation18.
How To Deal With Controlling Parents
“Why are my parents trying to control my life?”
If you’re an unfortunate child who has controlling parents, I sympathize.
It is hard for children or teenagers to deal with controlling parenting on their own because they are completely relying on their parents. Asking for counseling at school or requesting to see a therapist can provide the support to get through this.
Some kids also use negotiation as a more autonomous way of coping19.
Also see: How to Deal With a Controlling Parent as a Teenager
If you were or have been a controlling parent, the best thing to do for your child is to seek professional help for yourself.
Children usually employ one of two non-autonomous ways of coping – compulsive compliance or oppositional defiance. Neither one is good for your child.
If you’re a grownup, having a controlling parent can make you feel disrespected16. Unfortunately, research shows that controlling parenting behavior is unlikely to change over time20. If you suffer from depressive or anxiety symptoms, seek professional help as soon as possible. When looking for therapeutic help, look for one who is proficient in relational therapy21 and in dealing with controlling parent issues.
Also see: How adult children can recover from authoritarian parenting
References
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Dreher D, Feldman D, Numan R. Controlling Parents Survey. College Student Affairs Journal. 2014;32(1):97-111.
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Twenge JM, Zhang L, Im C.
It’s Beyond My Control: A Cross-Temporal Meta-Analysis of Increasing Externality in Locus of Control, 1960-2002. Pers Soc Psychol Rev. Published online August 2004:308-319. doi:10.1207/s15327957pspr0803_5 -
3.
Ballash N, Leyfer O, Buckley AF, Woodruff-Borden J. Parental Control in the Etiology of Anxiety. Clin Child Fam Psychol Rev. Published online November 7, 2006:113-133. doi:10.1007/s10567-006-0007-z
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Marcia JE. Identity in adolescence. Handbook of adolescent psychology. 1980;9(11).
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Lamborn SD, Mounts NS, Steinberg L, Dornbusch SM. Patterns of Competence and Adjustment among Adolescents from Authoritative, Authoritarian, Indulgent, and Neglectful Families. Child Development. Published online October 1991:1049. doi:10.2307/1131151
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Kakihara F, Tilton-Weaver L. Adolescents’ Interpretations of Parental Control: Differentiated by Domain and Types of Control. Child Development.
Published online November 2009:1722-1738. doi:10.1111/j.1467-8624.2009.01364.x -
7.
Barber BK. Parental Psychological Control: Revisiting a Neglected Construct. Child Development. Published online December 1996:3296. doi:10.2307/1131780
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8.
Barber BK, Harmon EL. Violating the self: Parental psychological control of children and adolescents. In: Intrusive Parenting: How Psychological Control Affects Children and Adolescents. American Psychological Association; 2002:15-52. doi:10.1037/10422-002
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Pettit G, Laird R, Dodge K, Bates J, Criss M. Antecedents and behavior-problem outcomes of parental monitoring and psychological control in early adolescence. Child Dev. 2001;72(2):583-598. doi:10.1111/1467-8624.00298
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Schaefer ES. A configurational analysis of children’s reports of parent behavior. Journal of Consulting Psychology. Published online 1965:552-557. doi:10.1037/h0022702
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Soenens B, Vansteenkiste M. A theoretical upgrade of the concept of parental psychological control: Proposing new insights on the basis of self-determination theory. Developmental Review. Published online March 2010:74-99. doi:10.1016/j.dr.2009.11.001
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Bean RA, Bush KR, McKenry PC, Wilson SM. The Impact of Parental Support, Behavioral Control, and Psychological Control on the Academic Achievement and Self-Esteem of African American and European American Adolescents. Journal of Adolescent Research. Published online September 2003:523-541. doi:10.1177/0743558403255070
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Grolnick WS, Ryan RM. Parent styles associated with children’s self-regulation and competence in school. Journal of Educational Psychology. Published online 1989:143-154. doi:10.1037/0022-0663.81.2.143
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Ginsburg GS, Bronstein P. Family Factors Related to Children’s Intrinsic/Extrinsic Motivational Orientation and Academic Performance.
Child Development. Published online October 1993:1461. doi:10.2307/1131546 -
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McClure EB, Brennan PA, Hammen C, Le Brocque RM. Journal of Abnormal Child Psychology. Published online 2001:1-10. doi:10.1023/a:1005260311313
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Barber BK, Xia M, Olsen JA, McNeely CA, Bose K. Feeling disrespected by parents: Refining the measurement and understanding of psychological control. Journal of Adolescence. Published online April 2012:273-287. doi:10.1016/j.adolescence.2011.10.010
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Joussemet M, Vitaro F, Barker ED, et al. Controlling Parenting and Physical Aggression During Elementary School. Child Development. Published online March 2008:411-425. doi:10.1111/j.1467-8624.2007.01133.x
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Simons RL, Whitbeck LB, Conger RD, Wu C. Intergenerational transmission of harsh parenting. Developmental Psychology. Published online 1991:159-171. doi:10.1037/0012-1649.27.1.159
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Kuczynski L, Kochanska G. Development of children’s noncompliance strategies from toddlerhood to age 5. Developmental Psychology. Published online 1990:398-408. doi:10.1037/0012-1649.26.3.398
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Barber BK, Maughan SL, Olsen JA. Patterns of Parenting across Adolescence. New Directions for Child and Adolescent Development. 2005;108:5-16.
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Jordan JV. A Relational Approach to Psychotherapy. Women & Therapy. Published online June 13, 1995:51-61. doi:10.1300/j015v16n04_05
About Pamela Li
Pamela Li is a bestselling author. She is the Founder and Editor-in-Chief of Parenting For Brain. Her educational background is in Electrical Engineering (MS, Stanford University) and Business Management (MBA, Harvard University). Learn more
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Tax daughters-mothers. The Federal Tax Service has tightened control over "related" financial relations
Settlements within groups of companies can be regarded by the tax authorities as hidden dividends.
Recently, the Federal Tax Service of Russia has tightened control over "related" financial relations and secured it in litigation. In addition to profits, subsidiaries often pay royalties to their mothers for the use of trademarks and patents, jointly reimburse expenses for advertising, promotion, and many others. Traditionally, group members support each other with loans and financial assistance. nine0005
Eggs discipline the hen
Thus, for many years, the parent company of the Telecominvest holding received its main income by providing services for courier delivery of bills to customers of North-West GSM (now MegaFon). Petersburg tax authorities were informed about such transactions, but did not find any violations in this activity.
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Another mobile operator, MTS, paid the owner (AFK Sistema) thousands of sums for the right to use the trademark (red-white eggs).
In a special communiqué for the London Stock Exchange, where MTS securities were quoted, investment consultants warned about the riskiness of such transactions. However, no consequences, according to "DP", also followed.
Among other acts, Mikhail Khodorkovsky and Platon Lebedev were charged with tax evasion through the use of a simplified taxation system. Being registered in the status of individual entrepreneurs, they allegedly received remuneration from a foreign company for the services provided, paying a 6% single tax instead of 13% personal income tax. nine0005
Dangerous economy
In recent years, the fiscal department has tightened control over mutual settlements within groups. Common business practices have often come to be recognized as unjustified tax benefits or so-called thin capitalization. For example, according to the Russian tax authorities, Nestle Russia LLC could pay dividends to the parent company Nestle located in Switzerland under the guise of interest on a previously received loan.
Probably, in order to reduce the tax burden, the funds were transferred through conduit companies - NTC-Europe SA and Nestle Finance International Ltd registered in Luxembourg, using a preferential tax regime. nine0005
Indicative, according to tax consultants, was the Oriflame case. A concession agreement concluded with the Russian subsidiary, LLC Oriflame Cosmetics, providing for the payment of royalties to the Dutch company for the use of the trademark and management decisions. The tax service questioned the integrity of such transfers, which supposedly accounted for up to 98% of revenue, and, apparently, brought the Russian company to losses and allowed it to avoid paying income tax in our country. The arbitration court agreed with the arguments of the fiscal department and recognized that the license fees were aimed at minimizing tax deductions. nine0005
While another LLC honestly paid dividends to its shareholder in the amount of 2 million euros, withheld and transferred to the Russian treasury the statutory 5% tax.
However, the publicans came to the conclusion that the company registered in the Netherlands was just a front, and Turkish companies were the real beneficial owners. The police participated in the collection of evidence, the actual delivery of goods, the IP addresses of senders of electronic messages were checked, numerous interrogations of employees and other, even operational-search activities were carried out. Confirming the validity of the claims made by the fiscal service, the court stated that the companies included in the group "created an artificial situation in which the transactions formally comply with the requirements of the law, but are actually aimed at minimizing taxes. The LLC was aware of the illegal nature of its actions, deliberately giving the appearance of external legality to controversial transactions ". nine0005
Just like them
Until August 2017, the legislation did not provide for the concept of "unjustified tax benefit" at all, although it was actively used in practice.
Adopted amendments - introduction of art. 54.1 - legalized the right of publicans, including to independently re-evaluate the relationship of market participants.
Experts consider the March 6 decision of the Supreme Court of Russia in the case of JSC SUEK-Kuzbass to be significant. The company paid dividends to the ultimate beneficiary, the Cypriot company Suek PLC. However, since it did not directly own shares in the Russian joint-stock company, publicans considered the application of a 5% tax rate on dividends to be illegal. nine0005
After analyzing international agreements in the field of taxation, the OECD model convention and official comments on it, the highest authority came to the conclusion that "essence prevails over form." Therefore, in this case, the company was entitled to a preferential rate, "despite the fact that, from the point of view of civil (corporate) law, Suek PLC is not recognized as a member of the company and is not entitled to receive dividends," the Supreme Court decision notes.
The responsibility of taxpayers for all their counterparties, as well as their counterparties, etc., is also being introduced into practice. In relations with parent and sister firms, they will be checked especially carefully. nine0005
Payments to the same Dutch, Luxembourg or other companies with preferential taxation will be under suspicion.
The concept of the actual recipient of income has now begun to play the first violin. Now Russian companies paying passive income to their parent or sister structures located in jurisdictions with favorable double taxation treaties (including Cyprus, Switzerland, the UK, Luxembourg, etc.) are required to make sure that such income will not be "broadcast" further to purely offshore jurisdictions. However, it is not yet possible to precisely formulate the requirements for a foreign recipient of income. nine0005
Konstantin Ziyatdinov
Head of International Projects Department, Prime Advice consulting group
In recent years, a kind of "velvet revolution" has taken place in the field of tax control of settlements between foreign and Russian companies belonging to the same group.
There have been cases of reclassification as a hidden payment of dividends, in particular, payments for the provision of consulting services by the parent company. Moreover, it is the taxation of dividends paid to foreign organizations that is today one of the drivers of growth in revenues to the budget system. nine0005
Elena Kiseleva
Ernst&Young tax and legal services practice manager
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