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Child anxious about school


Back-to-School Anxiety | Child Mind Institute

The start of the new school year is exciting for most kids. But it also prompts a spike in anxiety: Even kids who are usually pretty easy-going get butterflies, and kids prone to anxiety get clingier and more nervous than usual. Parents feel the pain, too: Leaving a crying child at preschool isn’t anyone’s idea of fun. And having to talk a panicked first grader onto the bus or out of the car at school can be a real test of your diplomatic skills.

Kids who normally have a little trouble separating from mom and dad will see their anxiety peak during times of stress or transition, notes Rachel Busman, PsyD, a clinical psychologist who specializes in anxiety. The start of school may be especially challenging for kids who are entering a transition year, she adds — going into kindergarten, into middle school, to a new school. It can also be stressful if there’s a change in your child’s social support system — maybe a good friend has moved, or has a different teacher this year.

For most kids the new-school-year worries will fade and the anxious behaviors will be transient, Dr. Busman adds. The goal for parents is to be supportive without exacerbating your child’s worries. Here are tips for helping nervous kids have a successful transition back to school.

Take your own temperature

For parents, the start of the year can be anxiety inducing, too, Dr. Busman notes. The pressure’s on you to reinstate routines after the summer break and arrange for new activities and schedules, not to speak of facing the resumption of homework.

Dr. Busman recommends taking your own temperature to make sure you’re not passing on stress to your kids. And to enable you to manage your own stress, she says, it’s important not to take on more commitments than the family can handle comfortably. “I think there’s a contagion effect that we have to be careful of,” she adds.

Listen to worries

When kids express anxiety about going back to school — a new teacher, increases in homework, making a team, a friend crisis — do listen seriously.

Rather than dismissing these fears (“Nothing to be worried about! You’ll be fine!) listening to them and acknowledging your child’s feelings will help them feel more secure. And if they want to, you can bolster their confidence by helping them strategize about how to handle things they’re concerned about.

But keep in mind that kids often want to be able to talk about something they’re upset about without expecting you to fix them. Your job is validate their feelings (“I know that’s hard”) and demonstrate confidence that they can handle the situation.

Don’t ask questions that suggest you expect kids to be anxious (“Are you worried about having Mr. Connelly for math?”) but check in with them in a more casual way. “It doesn’t have to be a half-hour discussion,” notes Dr. Busman, “but in the car on the way to get a new backpack, you might ask “Do you know what you’re going to be learning in math this year?” Kids often say more when there is less pressure to “have a talk.”

Do some test runs

If you anticipate that your child will be seriously nervous on the first day, it helps to give them time to get used to the new school or new classroom in advance. Go to the school several times before school starts, and do as much walking the halls as you can, to locate their classroom, the lavatory, the cafeteria, the playground. Repetition is good; going by again just to ask a question at the office, or drop off a form, gives them more chances to get comfortable being there.

If you can, introduce them to their teacher. Let them practice staying in the classroom a few minutes while you walk down the hall to drop off a note the nurse’s office.

Even driving to the school on the weekend and having them practice getting out of the car at the drop-off point can help them get familiar with that routine.

“Any opportunity for exposure, for repetition, for mastery is going to help them do what we call ‘coping ahead,’ ” Dr. Busman notes.

Let someone know

If your child needs extra support to make a successful transition, let someone at school know — their teacher, an aide, the school psychologist or the school nurse. You want to communicate that your child is looking forward to school and is excited — you’re sure they’ll be fine — but they will be much more comfortable if they can meet the teacher briefly and see the classroom before the crowded, chaotic first day, when all the other kids will be there.

You’re not asking for a lot — just a little exposure that will set them up to succeed. And you’d like the staff to be alert to signs that they might need an assist.

Arrange for a hand-off

If you think your child will be reluctant to separate, it’s very helpful to have someone primed to meet and engage them when you arrive. The teacher may be too overwhelmed to pay special attention to your child, Dr. Busman notes, “but maybe they have a buddy in the class, or you could ask an aide, the nurse, the school psychologist, to plan for a handoff.”

What you want that person to do is not to talk about or dwell on their anxiety, she explains, but to engage your child in some activity. Asking the child for help is a good way to do that — “Can you help me carry all the magnet tiles over to this bin?”

Giving the child a role is transparent, Dr. Busman notes. “They’re not pretending the parents aren’t leaving, but they’re helping your child get involved in the classroom, be part of the community. Kids for the most part love to please adults and want to be part of the activity, so it can really help take their minds off anxiety.”

When separation problems persist

Leaving a child who is crying or whining at school is a tough thing for any parent to do. “But most kids are pretty resilient,” Dr. Busman notes, “and we don’t want to underestimate their ability to cope. Most kids recover quickly once mom or dad leaves.”

If your child’s teacher reports that they bounce back and participate enthusiastically in activities during the day, the best way to help them get more confident about separating from you is not worrying too much about their complaints.

“It’s not being a bad parent to ignore a little bit of whining or reluctance,” says Dr. Busman. “It will actually help a child move beyond it if you give more attention to things that you do want to see them do.”

You want to give specific praise for brave behavior. For example, remind them you will be back to get them and tell them things like, “Great job coming to preschool today. When I pick you up I hope you’ll tell me something fun you did.”

“The way we as adults interact and react is so important: a little bit of active ignoring, a little bit of positive attention and a lot of encouragement,” Dr. Busman notes.

If kids continue to have full-blown separation problems, and fears that something bad will happen to their parents interfere with their ability to function in school, they should be evaluated by a mental health professional.

Stomachaches and headaches

Anxiety about school sometimes takes the form of headaches and stomachaches in the morning that kids say make them too sick to go to school. If your child develops a pattern of these symptoms, it’s important to get your child checked out by a pediatrician; you don’t want to overlook a medical problem.

But if the pattern persists, going to school may be the problem.

The most important thing a parent can do when kids resist going is to continue sending them to school anyway. This may be difficult, but if we allow children to avoid situations that make them anxious, we can inadvertently reinforce that those situations are indeed dangerous or scary.

But if a child continues to complain about physical symptoms, it’s also important to investigate what might be causing anxiety. It could be sign of an anxiety disorder, or another problem at school. For instance:

  • A child with OCD might avoid going to school because it’s hard for them to manage their anxiety there
  • A child who’s been bullied may be afraid to go to school because their tormenters are there
  • A child with separation anxiety might be afraid something terrible will happen to mom if they’re apart
  • A child with an undiagnosed learning disorder might be avoiding shame and embarrassment

School refusal

When stomachaches and headaches and other reasons not to go to school — or to go late or leave early — become persistent, a child may have developed what’s called school refusal.

“Everyone resists going to school once in a while, but school refusal is an extreme pattern of avoiding school that causes real problems for a child,” says Dr. Busman. School refusal is distinguished from normal avoidance by a number of factors:

  • How long a child has been avoiding school
  • How much distress they associate with attending school
  • How strongly they resist
  • How much their resistance is interfering with their (and their family’s) life

If a child’s resistance to school is overwhelming and prolonged, they should be evaluated by a mental health professional, and it’s good to proactive rather than waiting months for it to pass. “Unfortunately, the longer a child misses school, the harder it is to get back in the routine,” Dr. Busman notes, “because being absent reinforces the anxiety that is keeping them away.”

Frequently Asked Questions

How can I calm back-to-school anxiety?

You can calm back-to-school anxiety by doing some test runs. Go to the school several times before school starts to let your child walk around the halls, find their classroom, and meet their teacher if possible. Repetition will give them a chance to be comfortable with the routine. Also, having someone waiting for them, like a friend, nurse, or school psychologist, for the first drop-off can be helpful.

How can I help a child with school anxiety?

You can help a child with school anxiety by modeling stress management. When your child expresses anxiety about going back to school, listen and take it seriously rather than dismissing their fears. Acknowledging their concerns can make them feel more secure. Then, you can help them strategize how to handle the things they are concerned about.

School refusal: When a child won’t go to school

The transition back to school each fall is challenging for many families. But some children and teens feel so much emotional distress that they may repeatedly balk at attending school or staying there — a problem known as school refusal, or school avoidance if it occurs consistently. Ways to identify school refusal and tips on responding to it quickly are described below.

What is school refusal?

Shifting from a more relaxed summer routine to early wake-ups, hours in class, and dreaded homework makes many students feel mildly anxious or cranky during the early weeks of a new school year. For some students, however, school feels so difficult and overwhelming that they experience significant, distressing anxiety around attending and staying in school. To relieve this anxiety, a child or teen may begin to avoid school.

School refusal can take many forms. It can include behaviors like frequently struggling to arrive at school on time, leaving before the school day ends, or not attending school at all. Headaches, fatigue, stomachaches, and other physical symptoms of anxiety may make it hard to get off to school in the morning or make it feel necessary to leave early.

School avoidance allows a child or teen to escape distressing aspects of the school day, which provides immediate short-term relief. However, when a student continues to miss school, returning can feel harder and harder as she falls behind academically and starts to feel socially disconnected from classmates and teachers. Additionally, the child doesn’t get the chance to learn that it’s possible to handle school-related anxiety and cope with any challenges the school day brings. This can keep her stuck in a vicious cycle of school avoidance.

What can parents do to help stop the cycle of school refusal?

  • Step in quickly. Missed schoolwork and social experiences snowball, making school avoidance a problem that grows larger and more difficult to control as it rolls along. Be on the lookout for any difficulties your child might have around attending school on time and staying for the full day. If the problem lasts more than a day or two, step in.
  • Help identify issues. Try to find out why your child is avoiding school. Gently ask, “What is making school feel hard?” Is your child struggling socially or being bullied? Afraid of having a panic attack in the classroom? Worried about his academic performance or public speaking? Fearful of being separated from her parents for a full day?
  • Communicate and collaborate. Your child’s school is a key partner in combating school avoidance. Contact the school guidance counselor, psychologist, or social worker to share what you know about why your child is struggling to attend school. The more information the school has about why school avoidance is occurring, the better they will be able to help you. Collaboratively problem-solve with your child and the school by identifying small steps that can help your child gradually face what he is avoiding at school. Let’s say fear about speaking in front of the class is a problem. A child might be permitted to give speeches one-on-one to a teacher, then to his teacher and a few peers, and gradually work up to speaking in front of the class.
  • Be firm about school. Be empathetic but firm that your child or teen must attend school. Tell her you are confident she can face her fears. Let your child know that while physical symptoms of anxiety, such as stomachaches, headaches, and fatigue, are certainly unpleasant, they are not dangerous. Generally, children should only stay home from school for fever (at least 100.4° F), vomiting, or a few other reasons. It’s important for anxious children and teens to learn that they can persevere and do what they need to do even when experiencing physical anxiety, just as adults must in their own jobs. Physical symptoms often ease up as the school day progresses and children face their fears. Learning this firsthand can empower a child.
  • Make staying home boring. Is there anything about the out-of-school environment that makes it extra tempting to stay home? Make home as school-like as possible. No unfettered access to screens of any kind and no sleeping or lounging in bed unless genuinely sick. Be clear that if your child or teen does not attend school, you will be collecting all screens and/or turning off data and home wifi. Then follow through! Ask the school to send work for your child to complete during the day or to provide a tutor at home.

School avoidance is a serious problem that can worsen rapidly. Work closely with your child’s school. It’s also a good idea to consult with a licensed mental health professional who specializes in child anxiety and can support you in helping your child or teen re-engage in school. Ask the school guidance counselor or your pediatrician to refer you to an expert. The Association for Behavioral and Cognitive Therapies and the American Psychological Association also have online search tools. Additionally, your pediatrician may want to schedule a visit to rule out health problems.

As a service to our readers, Harvard Health Publishing provides access to our library of archived content. Please note the date of last review or update on all articles.

No content on this site, regardless of date, should ever be used as a substitute for direct medical advice from your doctor or other qualified clinician.

The child does not want to go to school: what to do?


Ekaterina Ushakhina

Children are often nervous about going to school, and sometimes they don't want to go there at all. The first thing you need to do if your child refuses to go to school or is very nervous about it is to try to figure out what exactly is making him anxious.

We will tell you how to do this in our article.

The first step

School is a scary place for many children. We see direct consequences of this - for example, children may act distantly, often cry or show emotional outbursts. But sometimes they manage to control themselves during the school day, and the reaction comes when they come home.

Calm

The first step is to ask the child simple questions and try to understand his anxious expectations. For example: “What worries you when you go to school?”, “What do you think will happen if you go to school?” Or even, "What's the worst thing that can happen if you go to school?"

The child may not tell you why he is worried: what if you run to school to solve a problem, make a fuss, and the rest of the children think that he is a snitch? You will probably need persistence to ask your child about fears and anxieties. Give him a promise that you will not take any action without his consent.


Ask the child what he is worried about. Retrieved

If a child cannot describe what is bothering them at school, you should talk to the teacher or someone who knows them well. It is important to be frank with the child if you are going to do this. He should also know that you will do it as carefully as possible. Otherwise, his fear will be exacerbated by fears that he will be bullied even more aggressively.

Give a positive signal

Explain to your child that they need to go to school and that there are benefits to it, such as learning new things, meeting friends, playing sports or music, and so on.

Sometimes it's hard to send these signals: you may be worried about your child's progress in school, or frustrated by the way teachers treat his anxieties, social and academic needs.

Help your child change their attitude towards their worries. It is important that he understands that:

1. Everything may not happen as he fears.

2. Even if everything ends badly, he will be able to do something about it.

3. By resisting fears, we learn something new to overcome them.


Help your child change how they feel about their worries. Source

Find a quiet place

It is helpful to find a place on the school grounds where the child can go to calm down and relieve stress (where he will feel more secure). A great option is the library. If your school doesn't have one, ask your teacher about other options. It is also important to decide who to contact in case of an anxiety attack. In addition, it is necessary to decide how the child will get to this place or this person if he feels depressed during the lesson and cannot talk about it in class.


An anxious child should have a corner at school where he can calm down at any time. Retrieved

Do I need to transfer my child to another school?

Often parents who are faced with this problem wonder if changing schools would be a good idea. Children believe that in the new school they will not worry and will make many friends. Unfortunately, this doesn't always work; perhaps the problems will repeat in the new school.

Children often experience difficulty because they have to be separated from you or another adult, answer in class, take tests, work in groups, interact with other children, and deal with conflict. The same thing awaits them in the new team.


A new school does not always solve problems. Source

On the other hand, a child's anxiety about school can also be related to healthy reasons: he does not like the very approach to learning; he is being bullied; he has few congenial friends or does not fit into a noisy, crowded, lively environment. Then the school is better to really change.

What to do in case of bullying?

Bullying must be fought. It may involve name-calling, other snarky remarks, or physical aggression such as pushing, hitting, or fighting. All schools have an obligation to combat this phenomenon. If your child is being bullied, be sure to talk to the principal and head teacher so they can sort it out.

It is important that the child feels that he has a way out of this situation. He should be frankly discussed with how the problem will be solved, and he should be able to share any concerns about this so that appropriate action can be taken.


Bullying must be fought under all circumstances. Source

First, the school has the means and the ability to look after your child's best interests and be responsible for them. The child should receive a clear signal that bullying is not acceptable and that action will be taken. In addition, it will be useful for him to have a clear plan for how to respond to any further incidents of bullying.

Based on the materials of the book “Calm. How to help children cope with fears and anxiety.

Article cover: pexels.com

How parents learn to let their child go to school and stop worrying

and for their parents. Let's figure out why moms and dads are worried and how to reduce anxiety.

A child goes to school, but parents are worried. Is it normal?

It is absolutely normal to worry when a child goes to the first grade. Because of this, many parents are worried, because their baby is starting a new period in life. He will have to get acquainted with classmates, teachers, do homework and observe school discipline.

Sometimes parents recall their negative experiences at school. For example, how a teacher criticized in front of the whole class, and classmates constantly joked. Of course, no parent wants this for their child.

Others may read horror stories on Internet forums. And sometimes even kindergarten teachers scare: "It will be very difficult for your child at school." Our advice is don't listen to the negativity. Now parents can independently choose an educational institution, a class teacher, prepare a child for the first grade. You will be sure in advance that the teacher is adequate, and your first grader has the basic knowledge for learning. However, the latter is not even necessary: ​​in school, in any case, everything will be taught.

What parents worry about and how to deal with it

"My child is used to being near me. How will he go to school and be without me?"

If a child is really strongly attached to mom or dad, then at first it may be difficult for him at school. But this is a necessary stage, after which children become more independent, courageous, sociable.

Remember that children quickly adapt to everything. They make friends at school, and this place no longer seems so scary - on the contrary, you want to discuss the new cartoon with your friends and complain about how your mother makes you wear a hat.

In order not to worry too much about your child, start preparing him for school in advance. If he does not go to kindergarten, sign up for preparatory courses or hobby groups. So the first-grader will not be afraid to meet new children, and he will quickly get used to spending time without his parents.

"My child is not yet ready for school"

Remember how you entered the university, passed your license, got married, got married - were you 100% sure that you were "ready"? Most likely, you just did it and already dealt with everything in the process.

It is the same with our children. Moreover, they have an advantage - in childhood you quickly adapt to everything, assimilate information and join the team. If you are very worried, then prepare the child for school in advance. This will help preparatory courses, tutors or self-study.

When a first grader starts school, be his best friend. Help with homework, explain incomprehensible material, support him. Together you will cope, and in a year you will not recognize your baby: after all, he will become so adult and independent.

"My child is so vulnerable and children are so cruel now"

First you need to understand that not all children are cruel. Our fears are not reality, but just thoughts.

Learn more