Feel worthless after being cheated on

How to Cope With Feeling Worthless After Infidelity

Naja Hall Mind Body Soul cheating, depression, divorce, infidelity, marriage, separation

When I coach women that have experienced infidelity, there are many variables to each individual circumstance; however, there is a glaring commonality among every woman.

After they have gone through the process of grieving their mate’s indiscretion, some begin their personal journey towards forgiving their mate. They vow to put the past in the past and they try to move on with every fiber of their being. Many women even cope by excusing their mates’ bad behavior by pinpointing themselves as the ones to blame, citing things such as weight gain from childbirth, always busy with the kids, too tired for sex, spending too much time at work, and other issues.

In case you may need a reminder-you did not deserve to be cheated on, lied to, nor disrespected.

The process involved with forgiving a mate that has violated your trust is a LONG and grueling one. The KEY MISTAKE that I see women make is putting far less energy and work into forgiving themselves.

These women are so angry with themselves for allowing the betrayal. No one welcomes nor allows cheating, lying, or disrespect. No one enters a relationship with the expectation of being cuckolded, emotionally drained, and lied to. Most are hopeful and have fallen in love without consequence or consideration that their mate has the potential to hurt them.

“A lot of people struggle with self-condemnation or self-blame because they’ve either done something they feel was wrong and they feel guilty, or because they feel that they’re wrong or defective in some way and they feel a sense of shame,” says Everett L. Worthington Jr., Ph.D., a professor of psychology at Virginia Commonwealth University.

You may think to yourself, has my partner wronged me?

Have you wondered, “Is my self-worth so low that I would allow a man to cheat on me? Am just a weak woman? Why am I stupid enough to take him back? How was I gullible enough to believe his lies? Why was I not a good enough woman to keep him from doing what he did?”

Feeling worthless is a common occurrence after a betrayal happens and you are victimized. Yes, you are a victim. You are not weak. You did not deserve this. You are the victim of a person that saw an opportunity to take advantage of your love and use it to meet their own self-centered needs.

This ongoing self-directed negativity makes you feel bad in the moment; long-term, it’s linked to a host of mental and physical ailments including depression, cardiovascular problems, and immune dysfunction. Here are a few ways to start your healing process:

Begin a daily ritual of self-compassion

Self-compassion (not to be confused with self-esteem) is extending compassion to one’s self in instances of perceived inadequacy, failure, or general suffering. Kristin Neff has defined self-compassion as being composed of three main components – self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness.

Self-kindness: Self-compassion entails being warm towards oneself when encountering pain and personal shortcomings, rather than ignoring them or hurting oneself with self-criticism.
Common humanity: Self-compassion also involves recognizing that suffering and personal failure is part of the shared human experience.
Mindfulness: Self-compassion requires taking a balanced approach to one’s negative emotions so that feelings are neither suppressed nor exaggerated. Negative thoughts and emotions are observed with openness so that they are held in mindful awareness. Mindfulness is a non-judgmental, receptive mind state in which individuals observe their thoughts and feelings as they are, without trying to suppress or deny them. Conversely, mindfulness requires that one not be “over-identified” with mental or emotional phenomena, so that one suffers adverse reactions. This latter type of response involves narrowly focusing and ruminating on one’s negative emotions. -via Kristin Neff

Self-compassion exercises can consist of a writing exercise, role-playing, or introspective contemplation. I would suggest starting a self-compassion journal. In this exercise, you are to focus on a facet of yourself that you believe to be an imperfection. Key in on the thing that makes you feel inadequate. Once you have brought this issue to mind, write a letter to yourself from the perspective of an unconditionally loving imaginary friend. Finally, you should focus on the soothing and comforting feelings of compassion that you have generated for yourself.

Repent and Repair

While many people that experience betrayal from a partner were unsuspecting victims of a mate that gave in to their own desires, some may have had more responsibility in the breakdown of their relationship. If this is you, focus on your responsibility in the matter. Perhaps you were disinterested and did not meet your mate’s needs for a long period of time. Perhaps you travel frequently and your mate made it known that they needed your attention. Maybe you betrayed your partner and they were avenging their own pain. While none of these are acceptable excuses to forfeit a romantic commitment, they can allow for major cracks in an already weak situation. If you can admit that you helped cause your present circumstance, then you’re already a few steps ahead. Many are in denial about their ownership in their marital woes, so their healing process cannot truly begin. Admitting your faults to yourself and your partner does not excuse the betrayal, but it does allow acknowledgment and acceptance to take root in your relationship. Transparency can begin and your bond can be refortified. Start by apologizing to one another. Ask one another for forgiveness. Do not excuse your behaviors; rather, lay them all out on the table. Express your pain, anger and deepest fears. Expose your insecurities to one another. Vow to never put one another in harm’s way again. Us this season of your relationship to rebuild.

Guard your thoughts

You are reliving the past incident because it is constantly on your mind. Your brain is a muscle and it is one that you can learn to CONTROL. When conditioning any muscle, it takes time and discipline to strengthen it. Remember how sore you are the next morning after a tough workout? Let’s exercise the same tenacity with building mental fortitude as we do our glutes! When you make the decision to fight away any thoughts of this past incident, the real work begins. Replace your negative thought with a positive one as soon as it enters your mind. For example, you may replay the moment you initially found out your partner betrayed you. You can vividly recall what you were wearing, what he said to you and that pang that shot through your chest. As soon as you feel that creeping its way into your psyche, replace it with the day you graduated from college or that exact moment you crossed the finish line after running your very 1st marathon! When your mind tries to snatch you to a sunken place, snap out of it and get in the habit of escaping to a moment when you felt celebrated and accomplished.

Have you truly forgiven your mate?

Often when you’ve found yourself in the throes of bitterness, pain, and anger, trying to find ways to forgive your mate is the first instinct. WRONG! I encourage you to put him on the back burner. Take a LONG look at yourself in this present moment. Do you feel beautiful and wanted and worthy? If this person has caused a crack in your self-value then they are no longer your priority. YOU MUST BECOME YOUR PRIORITY. I need you to switch gears and go into self-preservation mode, Sis. If you are still broken, you have no business trying to fix another person or a relationship. Once you are sure that your partner has made a commitment to his relationship with you, encourage him to go seek individual counseling. The key mistake I see couples make after a betrayal incident is rushing to a relationship counselor. It’s nearly impossible to fix a broken relationship between two very broken people! While coaching clients in similar situations, I have found considerably more positive results when I isolated the members of a relationship for their sessions. Ultimately after both have met their personal issues head-on, they are ready to dive into addressing the cracks in their relationship.

Seek Help from a Professional

If you do not hire me to Coach you through your healing process, please find a professional that has experience with personal healing and relationship therapy. Many of us have an awesome group of girlfriends that will listen to our grievances, and while they certainly have your best interest at heart, they simply may not have the tools or training to get to your breakthrough. Best practice has shown me that one intense session is required to understand the circumstance around why a Client has contacted me. We talk about EVERYTHING. I have found it most effective to learn about a person’s personal and romantic history. This often gives me a good picture of how they have come to be the person they are at the present. Then I draw up a plan of action. These are never easy, but they work when a Client is committed to fulfilling them. Once a Client agrees to complete the plan of action, we become Partners. I am their accountability partner in healing and moving forward. If you’re in a crisis or you are fighting to overcome one, do not hesitate to reach out to me. My job is to get you back to being your best you!

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5 Ways To Heal After Infidelity

Last updated on February 19th, 2023 at 07:42 am

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Even if you have never met before, sometimes it is unavoidable to compare yourself with the “other”. Somehow, you think, he must consider her “better”. This leads to you feeling worthless after being cheated on.

Abandonment is one of the most hurting and scary feelings. Even kids and dogs dread it as, for them, it makes the difference between life and death. Even in our adult lives, our fear of abandonment, of not being as important to our significant others as they are to us, can still activate our instincts for survival.

Words alone, as you know, are not enough. Your close friends might gush about all your positives, including your sense of fashion, your personality, or your good looks. However, all you want is the return of your lover’s affection. So, what can you do to recover from this and increase your self-confidence?

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It is common to feel disappointed and a drain on self-esteem caused by infidelity. You may go through stages of grief, self-blame, and various different emotions as you process a whirlwind of emotions. Follow these tips below if you want to quickly stop feeling worthless after being cheated on.

Start a Daily Routine of Self-Compassion

Self-compassion is essentially showing compassion to yourself in cases when you are feeling inadequate or when you are suffering in general. According to Julie Schmidt, self-compassion is made up of three core components: mindfulness, self-kindness, and common humanity.

Mindfulness: Self-compassion demands a balanced approach to your negative emotions so they are not overemphasized or suppressed. Your negative feelings are approached with openness so you can become mindfully aware of them. Through mindfulness, an individual can observe their emotions and thoughts with an open-minded approach and without looking to oppose or suppress them. On the contrary, an individual practicing mindfulness should not “over-identify” with their feelings and emotions, including solely focusing and contemplating their negative feelings, so as to not suffer further mental damage.

Self-kindness: Self-compassion necessitates being kind and warm towards yourself during times of pain and suffering, instead of avoiding your negative emotions or criticizing them too harshly.

Common humanity: Self-compassion also includes acknowledging that failure and suffering are all part of being human.

There are different types of self-compassion exercises including introspective thinking, writing exercises, and role-playing. A good suggestion is to start a journal for self-compassion. This type of exercise requires you to focus on an aspect of yourself that you deem inadequate. Once you have identified this issue, write a letter addressed to you from an imaginary friend that loves you unconditionally. Ultimately, your focus should be on the comforting, reassuring, and compassionate feelings that you have produced for yourself.

As a BetterHelp afﬁliate, we may receive compensation from BetterHelp if you purchase products or services through the links provided.

Repair and Repent

While in most cases people that were cheated on were unaware of their partner giving in to their desires, there are a few instances where they might have been more responsible for the deterioration of the relationship. If that sounds like you, try to focus on your fault in the matter. Maybe you were not interested in meeting your partner’s desires for a prolonged period. Perhaps you might be a frequent traveler and your partner had already expressed their need for attention. You may have already betrayed your partner and they were simply taking vengeance on you. While these are not acceptable justifications for betraying your partner, they can worsen an already damaged relationship. If you can acknowledge your fault in the matter, then you are already making progress.

Several people remain in denial about their fault in the collapse of their marriage and, thus, the process of healing cannot properly begin for them. While admitting your mistakes to yourself and your spouse does not justify the cheating, it can lay the foundation for acceptance and acknowledgment in your relationship.

Being straightforward can help reinforce your bond. Start by saying sorry to each other. Try to forgive each other. Do not try to find excuses for your behavior: simply say it as it is. Do not be afraid to express your strongest emotions like fear, pain, and anger, as well as your deepest insecurities. Promise to not betray each other in the future. Utilize this situation to reconstruct your relationship.

Consult a breakup therapist.

Learn To Control Your Thoughts

You keep remembering things from past events because they are in your mind at all times. Just like any other muscle, you can learn how to control your brain. When you are trying to condition a muscle, it can take a lot of discipline and time to reinforce it. Just think about how sore your muscles are the day after a long and hard workout. Let’s make the same effort as we do to our glutes to strengthen our mental resilience.

The real work starts when you decide to fight any thoughts of past events. As soon as a negative thought comes up, immediately replace it with a positive one. For example, you might recollect the moment you first found out about your partner’s betrayal. You can remember exactly the outfit you were wearing, the words he said to you, and the sharp pain in your chest that followed. Whenever you feel that emotion rising inside you, immediately replace that memory with one from your college graduation day or the day you finished your first marathon! Whenever your brain tries to take you to a bad place, snap out of it and escape to a time you felt complete and celebrated.

Find an infidelity therapist.

Prioritize Yourself First

Sometimes when you find yourself deep into anger, bitterness, and pain, one of your first instincts is to try and forgive your partner. This is wrong. You should make him one of your lowest priorities.

Have a long and thorough look at yourself right now. Do you feel worthy, gorgeous, and coveted? If this person has destroyed your self-esteem, then they should not be your priority. You should become your top priority.

You should aim to get into a mode of self-preservation. If you are not properly fixed, there’s no reason to try and fix your partner or your relationship. If you are certain that your partner is committed to your relationship, urge him to look for individual therapy. The biggest mistake couples make when they have had a cheating incident is immediately looking for couples counseling. It’s almost impossible to fix a damaged relationship between two damaged individuals! By attending individual sessions, you can produce more positive results. In the end, once they have both faced their personal issues, they can start mending their broken relationship.

Seek Professional Help

If you choose not to work with a Coach for your healing process, you should at least look for a trained professional with experience in relationship therapy and personal healing. While our friends can be amazing at listening to our problems and only want what’s best for us, they probably don’t have the necessary training to properly help you cope. If you’ve been cheated on by your partner, you might feel intense feelings of sadness, remorse, and lack of intimacy. A cheater is going to make you feel like your self-esteem is decimated, you will feel so worthless, and you might feel disappointed or betrayed and wonder if the feelings will ever go away.

If you find yourself in a crisis situation or can’t get over feeling worthless after being cheated on, do not hesitate to seek out a trained counselor. Their job is to make you feel like the best version of yourself! They can help you to rebuild and move forward. I recommend getting started at BetterHelp, which is the largest online platform for finding a licensed therapist. Getting started is easy and affordable. Click the button below and give them a try today.

As a BetterHelp afﬁliate, we may receive compensation from BetterHelp if you purchase products or services through the links provided.

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Why conscience is tormented by cheating on her husband and how to get rid of guilt

Traditionally in our culture, it is believed that a woman is the keeper of the hearth, on which the well-being of the whole family mainly rests, and if it comes to betrayal on her part, then it is likely that very soon strong remorse will begin to torment her.

Women are more likely than men to blame themselves for what happened. They tend to worry more about social connections and relationships.

In this article:

Why guilt arises after infidelity Causes of female infidelity Photo by Alex Green: Pexels

The feeling of guilt in this case can also play the role of a certain protective function, helping the woman to overcome the situation more easily. Instead of looking for the source of the problem and its solution, it is sometimes easier for us not to change anything, reveling in this often useless feeling.

But don't rush to reproach yourself and drive yourself to depression. Cheating always speaks of problems in marriage. If you still decided to take this step, then you probably had good reasons.

We will discuss the most common of them in this article, and also find out what to do if betrayal did take place.

Causes of female infidelity

Dissatisfaction in intimacy. Some men are extremely selfish in bed, not caring at all about the pleasure of their partner, which can lead her to go in search of a more attentive and sensitive lover;
if the husband pays little attention, is absent for a long time, including work, spends a lot of time away from home. Or she is simply not interested in her feelings, problems, and suddenly a man appeared on the horizon who showed interest in her, this new man can become very attractive to her;
groundless jealousy on the part of the husband, constant quarrels, scandals, reproaches;
if a man has disappointed, is weak in character, has no purpose in life, does not strive for anything;
crisis in family relations. Often women decide to cheat, after years of living together, when they already got a joint life, boredom and routine in a relationship;
out of revenge. Sometimes a married man himself walks and cheats on his wife for a long time. And even if he then leaves his mistress, the relationship cracks. Pain and betrayal can be unbearably difficult to forget, in which case a woman can also decide to cheat in revenge. Also, just bad treatment can push her to treason;
just fell in love with another;

environment. If many of her friends have lovers;
a bad example of their own parents. If a woman saw how her parents cheat on each other, then in adulthood she can transfer this model of relations to her family;
if the woman has lost control of herself under the influence of alcohol;
to improve self-esteem. After years of marriage, it often happens that the husband completely stops caring for his lady, giving her flowers, gifts, not striving to do something pleasant. And the woman becomes ready to be in the arms of others in order to feel beautiful and desirable again and prove to herself that she is successful with other men.

You cheated and you regret it. What to do?

Very often, after infidelity, a woman has a desire to tell her husband about it, but if you want to save the relationship, this is strongly not recommended. Very few men are able to forgive betrayal, but no one is able to forget.

In the future, the spouse may constantly remind you of this situation. And sooner or later, reproaches for the mistakes of the past can finally destroy your union.

Why my conscience torments me from cheating on my husband and how to get rid of remorse

But what should you do if looking into your husband's eyes becomes unbearable after what happened, and you are constantly in a depressed state of stress?

In this case, I recommend doing the following:

first, think about what prompted you to do this. Understand the reasons for the betrayal and you will feel better. Understanding the cause can also help prevent a recurrence of the situation;
try to forget about betrayal, remove everything that reminds her. If possible, do not visit the place where it happened, throw away the clothes you were wearing at that moment, etc.;
accept a situation that has already happened and you can't change it. After all, there are no sinless people in the world;
surround your family with warmth and care, try to spend more time with them;
if you feel the need to talk to someone, find someone you trust, maybe you know someone who cheated and was in a similar situation.

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Having a frank conversation with someone who understands you will help you find peace. If you are a believer, you can go to confession. Sincere repentance and a conversation with the priest can also help get rid of guilt.

The main thing is to try to change the situation that prompted you to cheat.

If the reason is that you are not satisfied with intimacy with your husband, delicately hint to him that you are not getting satisfaction. With mutual desire, this issue can almost always be resolved.

If a lack of attention on the part of your husband prompted you to cheat, discuss this issue with him. Try to spend more time together, go on vacation together, to the sea, if possible.

Another thing is if you are a windy person by nature and you get bored of any relationship quickly enough, you constantly crave new emotions and sensations. Most likely, you just once learned for yourself this particular way of getting adrenaline, keeping yourself in good shape.

If you realize that the feeling of novelty, falling in love and changing partners is like a drug for you, and at the same time you would like to be faithful in a relationship, but it is very difficult for you, then it is very important to stop in time and find more acceptable ways to fill yourself with the missing emotions that will help you feel the fullness of life.

If you have thought it over well and come to the conclusion that it is impossible to eliminate the reason that pushed you to cheat, or your feelings for your husband have completely disappeared, you fell in love with another, then this is a serious reason to stop torturing yourself and him, remaining in a relationship, who have exhausted themselves.

Treason: a look from two sides. If you have been cheated on

Many people get into an emotional whirlpool after they find out about their partner's cheating. The person who has been cheated is overcome by an all-consuming sense of loss, and the person who has changed is overcome by conflicting emotions and decisions. You can’t prepare for this in advance, but through naming and accepting your feelings, you can come to the understanding that everything is fixable.

Clinical psychologist with 43 years of experience and a recognized expert on trust, intimacy and forgiveness, Janice Spring is sure that it is possible to survive infidelity and find the strength in yourself to restore relationships. The first natural reaction is shock. But once you can figure out what to do about it, chances are you won't feel empty anymore.

Affected partner's reaction

Cheating destroys our fundamental sense of order and justice in this world. Along with this, the feeling of control, self-respect and understanding of who you are disappear. But your feelings are a natural reaction to an extremely traumatic situation that has destroyed the integrity of the relationship and your belief that your connection with your partner is forever. And it would be strange not to feel lost after receiving such news.

To make it easier for you to cope with your feelings, you need to learn to understand them and anticipate your reactions. The healing process begins when you can look at emotions from the outside and understand what exactly is hurting you. The main thing in all this is not to lose hope and not to think that everything is lost forever.

Physiological consequences of cheating

Cheating partner, which you learned about, causes changes at the physiological level. First of all, your nervous system and cognitive perception suffer. Adrenaline and other stress hormones act on the sympathetic nervous system and lead to increased arousal and anxiety. Signs of betrayal appear even where there are none. You lose sleep and feel tired from the endless stream of obsessive thoughts and constantly popping up memories and images.

But there may be a backlash. To protect you from pain and emotional overload, the body secretes endogenous opioid peptides that act on us like morphine. We seem to fall into hibernation, withdraw into ourselves and lose interest in relationships and activities that used to give pleasure and energize.

It is impossible to gather strength, because you have practically none. Thoughts are scattered. In this state, you cannot concentrate, perform useless actions or sit, staring at one point.

Psychological consequences of infidelity

There are several types of losses that a partner goes through when faced with infidelity. But all of them are somehow connected with the loss of oneself. Let's take a look at these types in more detail.

Loss of identity. Change makes you look at yourself differently. The familiar outlines of your own "I" are blurred, and you feel that something inside has broken.
Loss of a sense of exclusivity. You lose confidence in your own worth and face a reality in which your union is not so strong, and someone else can make your partner happy.
Loss of self-respect. If you guessed about the betrayal, but dismissed suspicions, with the idea that something like this could not happen to you, or went through humiliation and abandoned your basic values in an attempt to win back your partner, your self-esteem can crack.
Loss of control over thoughts and actions. With a high degree of probability, obsessive thoughts will overcome you: you can endlessly scroll through your partner’s lies in your head, imagine betrayal in all its details and try to analyze the events that led to it. Any attempts to distract and calm disturbing thoughts will not bring the desired relief. This condition can lead to compulsive conduct disorder. You may start to spy on your partner, deliberately harm yourself (eating unhealthy food and alcohol, smoking, etc.), trying to shift the focus to repairs, fitness or shopping. But all these are only temporary measures that will not fill the void inside, but only slightly alleviate the condition.
Loss of a fundamental sense of order and justice in the world. It seemed to you that you know how this world works, and you can control your life. But after you find out about the betrayal, the world ceases to be safe and orderly. We have to reconsider the basic concepts of honor and justice in all spheres of life, including love and marriage.
Loss of communication with others. On the one hand, you may want to tell the whole world about your experiences, and on the other, you want to keep your shameful story a secret.
Loss of goals and desire to live. When you no longer have faith in love and your worth, and it seems that existence brings more pain than non-existence, suicidal thoughts may arise.
The loss of the desire to live after a betrayal of a partner is the saddest consequence. The paramount task of a person who has been cheated on is to do the almost impossible and come to terms with despair, even if you don’t see a way out of the situation yet.

Gender differences and reactions to infidelity

Men and women react differently to their partner's infidelity. The differences, which we will analyze further, describe the typical reactions that are characteristic of the majority. But that doesn't mean these patterns apply to you. Sometimes it's the other way around. Understanding these biological and cultural programs will explain your reaction to infidelity and allow you not to feel alone, and your partner will better understand your feelings.

Difference #1: women try to keep relationships; men turn around and leave

If a woman has been hurt by infidelity, she is likely to try to save the relationship, partly because her culture has taught her to please others and ignore her own needs. Men do not relate to the loss and try to find a good replacement who will definitely love and give due attention.

Difference #2: Women get depressed, men get angry

A common female reaction to infidelity is self-abasement. When a relationship cracks or falls apart, a woman is more likely to experience low self-esteem and depression because she not only loses her partner, she loses herself. Men, on the other hand, are more likely to direct their rage at their wife or her lover than at themselves. Because they are more likely to show anger and attack those who hurt them, at least in fantasy.

Difference No. 3: women feel their failure as a life partner, men feel their failure as a lover

A woman is likely to explain her husband's betrayal by her shortcomings as a person, and not by her behavior in bed. You will probably decide that the partner cheated because he was looking for love, and not just sex, and that it was not only his appearance that attracted him. As a result, you may take your partner's betrayal more seriously than he does.

A man is more likely to think that his wife cheated in search of better sex - a belief that will make him feel sexually inadequate and lead to envy and, as a result, violence against his wife or her lover. Men tend to overlook or downplay other non-sexual relationship issues, such as communication and intimacy, that mean more to their wives.

Difference #4: women become obsessed; men are distracted

Since women's self-esteem is closely related to success in their closest relationships, a woman is more likely to dwell on infidelity than a man and delve into lies, to the point of denying everything else. In the process, she becomes even more hardened by her partner's deceit and refuses to trust anyone for a long time. Constantly replaying the details of infidelity in her head, she feeds her pain and self-doubt.

Men, on the other hand, are less absorbed in thinking about betrayal and spend more time on physical activities that give them a feeling of strength and confidence.

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