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Cheating how to stop


How To Stop Cheating: A Sex Therapist's Guide

Cheaters don't wake up in the morning and think about how they want to hurt their partner that day. (If they do, we are talking about someone who is a sexual narcissist or who is psychopathic—not "infidelic.") A 2019 survey by Ashley Madison, who I work with as a resident relationship expert, found 96% of its affair-seeking members don't think of themselves as having low morals. That suggests many people who cheat aren't "bad" people but simply people who've made decisions that have hurt others. Some of these folks do want to change, but the problem is they feel they can't end their affairs without help.

Here's what to do. As with any harmful behavior, the key to stopping cheating on your partners rests on exercising your emotional skills. Whatever got you here, if you're currently in an affair, here are seven tips for how to stop cheating for good:

1.

Figure out what you want.

Take a good hard look at your situation. Are you cheating to stay in your relationship or because you want out?

To leave.

Some affairs are what I call "can openers"—a way to end your partnership even when you didn't know you wanted out. It's an unconscious way to wake yourself up to the fact that it really is over. Sometimes partners who feel they don't have a voice in a relationship will have an affair and realize they have been unhappy in their relationship all along, and this affair becomes the catalyst for a breakup, a way to find their voice, to finally express a need or desire, or to say to their spouse, "I'm done."

If you've been using this affair as a key to what you consider a closed-door relationship, be honest with yourself and with your partner. Tell them you want out and then have the new relationship you're seeking. Don't swing from branch to branch while you're still in the tree.

Some people also use cheating as a passive-aggressive way to get their partner to break up with them so they don't have to do the dirty work. First of all, understand that you're likely hurting your partner more with your affair than you would be with a breakup, and you also come off looking worse. There's no need to hurt someone on your way out the door. Additionally, if you're trying to use your cheating as a way to make your partner end things, understand that it's not only being dishonest with your partner—it's being dishonest with yourself. In the long run, you'll need to learn how to take responsibility for your actions, for your emotions, and for your needs if you're ever going to be able to have a happy and successful relationship. Start practicing it now.

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To stay.

On the other hand, sometimes an affair, once exposed, can open up and change the whole future of your current relationship. Some couples say that after some therapy and erotic recovery, the affair may have been "the best thing that ever happened to them. " This may be because the crisis of an affair forces you both to talk more honestly about what you both want in the vision of your lives going forward.

Recognize this: Cheaters are not necessarily looking for someone else; they are looking to become someone else. Usually cheaters like who they are when they are with their cheating partner. They are really searching for a missing part of themselves, a part of their identity, a part of themselves they feel they can't be at home.

Most affairs are not really about the partner or the relationship, even when you might blame them. Cheaters are not searching for something that is missing in their relationship; they are searching for something that is missing in themselves. They may project that need onto their partner, but that is what we do, as people. We blame our unhappiness on the other. If they would just act the way we want, love us the way we want, then we'd be happy. But nobody's life revolves around you, and you can't expect even your partner to bend to make you feel alive.

You need to figure out why you can't live as a whole person in every area of your life.

2.

Think hard about whether monogamy really makes sense for you.

It's hard to commit to one person. Are you finding monogamy isn't your thing? If that's the case, be honest with yourself and think about how a different relationship agreement might work better for you. A 2019 study found people who enjoy having a lot of casual sex with a lot of different people are actually more committed to their relationship when their relationship is consensually nonmonogamous. There are also many ways that couples stay mostly monogamous while at the same time having an open sexual agreement. (Here's our full guide on how to know if an open relationship is right for you.)

Are we born monogamous? Who knows. But we are going on a form of monogamy that is tied into a heteronormative Judeo-Christian tradition of marriage from 200 years ago, when we were living to be an average of 38 years old. Back then, by the time we got bored with each other, we were dead.

For couples today who are expected to live together for a lifetime, based on these traditional ideas of marriage, we have a life span of upward of 90 years. Can we stay desirous and monogamous for 90 years? 

Monogamy is not a biological prison, nor is it a privilege. It is an agreement. It is a choice. It is something you choose every day. It is also designed to be a mutual decision, a gift you give to one another. A promise. Therefore, the agreement should be as explicit as it can be. 

After an affair, talk about what you want in your new monogamy agreement. What constitutes monogamy for both of you? What is a secret, and what should be private? Are you sexually exclusive? Are you emotionally unique to each other? (In my book The New Monogamy: Redefining Your Relationship After Infidelity, I give many ways to talk through some of these more complex conversations.)

Renew your monogamy agreement often. After all, we renew our driver's license every few years. Why not our relationship?

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3.

Shut down your tech.

I know! Sounds impossible, right? In today's world, "tech cheating" is easier than ever. We can cheat on our partner lying in bed next to them, on our phones and handheld devices. Try putting down your phone, turn off your apps, and just back off for a while. Shut down your social media.

Are you addicted to the excitement of cheating? The illicitness? The forbidden nature of cheating? Can you incorporate something adventurous into your life instead, to capture some of that excitement in a different way without sending naked selfies to strangers? Take up a hobby like hang-gliding, or ski some moguls. Affairs can be fun, but lying and hiding a secret life can make you feel terrible about yourself—not to mention destroying the very foundation of your relationship and hurting someone you ostensibly love.

One way to change your tech cheating is to break your relationship with technology. Stop liking everyone's posts, don't Snapchat, don't "friend" people, and stop posting selfies; let it all go, for a finite period of time. Let yourself go into withdrawal. Deal with all of the feelings that come up when you have nothing to occupy your time. Make eye contact with other people when you're talking to them.

4.

End your current affair.

But do it right. You may owe them—and yourself—more complete closure. Thank them for your time together, apologize for anything you have done to hurt them, and tell them what you will or will not do going forward. (And never ghost. That's just not OK.)

Let them know that you appreciate the relationship. If you loved them, tell them it was true. Be honest about your boundaries going forward. If you have to see them every day, like at work, for example, tell them you'll be "light and polite," but you can't continue in the way you've been operating. Tell them why. If it's because you are getting back with your spouse, tell them you are making your marriage work. Let them know you need time to think things through. 

It's OK to admit ambivalence. You probably have strong feelings both ways; you want to stay, but you know you have to go. Tell them. But be clear that you know the best thing for you right now is to end this affair. 

Finally, change your behavior. Don't keep texting or calling or flirting at the water cooler. Really give them a chance to get over you, move on, and get another lover. Give them the space they deserve.

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5.

Talk to your partner. A lot.

This is the most important step of them all. Tell your partner how you feel. What do you want in your marriage or committed partnership? Lots of relationships fail when one or both partners try to avoid the conflict of bringing up uncomfortable topics.

One way to go deeper and stay connected to your partner is to use what I call anticipatory empathy. Let your partner know that you also imagine how they might be feeling. If you see them looking down one day, tell them, "I am wondering if you are having a tough day, and is it related to what is happening with us?"

Ask if there is something you can do to help their recovery. Just showing empathy and validating their feelings can go a long way toward recovering after an affair. And it can keep you from cheating because it will bring you deeper into the relationship you are already committed to.

6.

Go to therapy.

There are good therapists out there who are nonjudgmental about infidelity. They recognize that affairs happen. Find one who can walk you through what you really want.

In addition to solo therapy that you might have to go through to work out your own cheating motivations, go to couples therapy. The goals are totally different—individual sessions are for figuring yourself out, whereas couples sessions are for figuring out how the heck to make a relationship work.

There are several phases of recovery. The initial stage is the crisis, when you both may doubt you could survive and stay together. And you may not. But if you are hoping to make it work, you can't have some of the deeper conversations about your future when you are both in high-conflict arguments. A therapist can take you into the next phase of recovery—the "insight" phase, where you can go deeper into how the affair happened and why. Discovering the meaning of the affair will help both of you answer the more important questions of "why" and "what happened?" (Avoid the less crucial conversations around "when and with whom?" which can be painful and not very rewarding to either of you.) The third phase of recovery is the "vision" phase. This is where you can plan your new monogamy and move forward into a relationship that can work for both of you.

A therapist who is trained in this model will help you identify what stage of recovery you are in and help you move on to the vision of your future. Plus, just the act of being in therapy can create intimacy, and that might be what you are really craving.

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7.

Go to a weekend retreat with your spouse.

Find a two-day couples' workshop that focuses on intimate connection, communication, and sex. Go have some fun for two days. Be romantic. Sit in a hot tub. Work out your stuff. 

You might wonder why your partner would want to go away with you when they are so mad at you they can barely make eye contact. A couples' weekend retreat is not a vacation. Save that for later. A two-day couples' workshop is led by a coach or a therapist and is focused on real healing. It will lead the two of you through a series of exercises that you can do privately, not in a group but in a group setting, that can help you talk, help you heal, and bring you to a new understanding of what true intimacy really looks like. After all, you may have been cheating all along because you have no idea what intimacy looks like, and you can look at this as a lesson. It's like intimacy school, if you will.

Sex in a long-term relationship can be enthralling, and this might be your opportunity to strengthen your sexual connection with your partner. You might find out that a real, committed, intimate relationship is the best high of them all.

How to Stop Cheating on Your Partner: 15 Effective Ways

It is easy to judge cheaters, especially if you were hurt by your partner’s infidelity before. However, cheaters are not necessarily bad people, although they have made decisions that end up hurting their partners.

They might not know why they did it, which makes them ask how to stop cheating and break out of the cycle all the more difficult.

Cheating is quite common. A study found that one in five people admits to being a cheating partner. That number is probably higher since people can be reluctant to admit to doing something socially unacceptable.

Many of them are probably wondering how to stop cheating, yourself included.

What is cheating in a relationship?

Cheating in a relationship can be subjective. For some people, just talking to someone you may be romantically interested in can count as cheating. For other people, physical intimacy or sex may count as cheating.

Cheating in a relationship is defined as being physically or emotionally cheating, being unfaithful to your partner. It is not following the terms of the relationship, as decided by the two partners in a relationship.

Causes of cheating in a relationship

What are some cheating motivations that we end up overlooking? To understand the causes of cheating better, watch this Ted Talk by Esther Pearl on Why People Cheat.

What are the reasons that people cheat in a relationship? Do you often wonder why your partner cheated?

There can be several reasons why people cheat in a relationship. Anger, revenge, dissatisfaction in a relationship, low self-esteem, and abuse are some of the common reasons why people end up cheating on their partner, emotionally or physically. 

Read more on the reasons for cheating in this article.

15 ways to stop cheating on your partner

If you have been unfaithful to your partner and want to make amends, read on to know the 15 ways to stop cheating on your partner.

1. Identify why it happens

As with any problem in life, understanding the reason for cheating is crucial to eradicating it. Ask yourself, “Why am I tempted to cheat?” What precedes cheating behavior patterns? To stop infidelity, you need to comprehend what leads to it.

If you are not sure, consider cheaters’ behavior patterns and see if you recognize yourself in any of them. Cheating can be a way to:

  • Avoid becoming intimate or dependent on someone in a relationship,
  • To punish your partner,
  • Escape from a relationship you are not happy in anymore or
  • Feel the excitement.

2. Understand what you want

How to stop the cycle of cheating? Understand what purpose cheating has in your relationship. If you wonder how to stop adultery in my marriage, examine your marriage well.

The most challenging question is not how to stop being a cheater; instead,

Why am I choosing to be a cheater?

Does cheating help you stay in a loveless marriage, or is it a step towards leaving it?

Is being addicted to cheating a way to stay and not change anything in the marriage itself, or is it a way to show yourself there is more to life and leave more easily?

Are you doing this to punish your partner for cheating or something else, or doing this to get something you think is inaccessible in marriage?

How to stop cheating in a relationship?

Take a good hard look at these questions, especially in the case of repeated infidelity in marriage. When you understand what you desire, you can try to achieve it another way instead of cheating.

3. Address the problem

When you figure out what you desire from a relationship, you can start working towards it. Understanding the cause will guide what steps you take next in your journey on how to stop cheating on my wife or husband.

If you are angry with your partner, you need to communicate and work through resentment. Start sharing more and talk about the issues. Your desire to punish your partner through cheating won’t disappear unless you address the core of why you wanted to punish them in the first place.

If you want to leave and can’t see yourself in the relationship anymore, start thinking about approaching the subject. Why didn’t you have the nerve in the first place to end things and opt for cheating?

If you decide to stay in the marriage and need to know how to stop being a cheater, work on understanding what is missing in your relationship. 

Talk to your partner so you can both commit to making your relationship better. Address your problems, work on conflict resolution, and introduce more excitement.

Working through communication problems, intimacy issues, and introducing more passion into the relationship. We are not saying it will work 100 percent, but it gives your marriage a chance.

4. Stop with behavior patterns leading you to cheat

Different people consider cheating various things – texting, sexting, kissing, sex, etc. Where do you and your partner draw the line? Knowing this can help you avoid not just the act of cheating itself but also the paths leading you to cheat.

Say that you and your partner don’t consider flirting to be cheating. Although that is true for you, have you thought about how it plays a role in cheating? It might ease you into adultery the same way sexting would.

Crossing one boundary makes it easier to cross the next one, and before you know it, you might not know how to stop cheating. Be mindful of each step you take towards an affair so you can learn how to avoid cheating.

Related Reading: 15 Reasons Why You Should Not Cheat on Your Partner

5. Consider working with a professional

If you think you are addicted to cheating on your spouse and wonder how to stop cheating in marriage or relationships, consider psychotherapy to deal with cheaters behavior patterns. A trained professional can help you uncover the root cause patterns that lead you into cheating cycles and help you figure out how to avoid cheating. 

Whether you want to stay in the relationship or leave it, having a therapist work with you will make this process easier and more productive.

Furthermore, if your partner is aware of the affair and wants to stay together, couples counseling is preferred to individual therapy. Although you can both have your therapists, it is advisable to have a couple’s therapist help you deal with the affair’s emotional turmoil. 

They can help you manage the crisis infidelity provoked, facilitate forgiveness, understand factors contributing to infidelity, and bolster intimacy through communication.

6. Change yourself to change the situation

There is no single answer to not cheating. If it were that simple, no one would be doing it. Furthermore, learning how to stop cheating is a process that requires several steps and time.

Understanding why it happens is often the first and critical step towards stopping cheating. It is also essential to know what you want from a relationship and whether you can get it in your current one. What is the affair helping you accomplish? Should you stay and fight or end the marriage and move on?

If you decide to improve your marriage, communicate with your partner, and involve a professional therapist.

There are no simple solutions, but if you do the work needed, you can uncover why you are tempted to cheat and how to stop cheating now and in the future.

7. Communication

One of the main reasons relationships fall apart and can lead partners to cheat is lack of proper communication. 

Talking is not communicating – and this is an essential realization for partners to have. Talk to each other about your individual needs and expectations, and you will find yourself in a better space. 

8. Be spontaneous

Another common reason why relationships break and end up in cheating is when they stop being fun and exciting. Bring back the fun in your relationship or marriage by being more spontaneous. 

9. Prioritize your relationship

If you or your partner have cheated and want to give your union another shot, it is essential to prioritize your relationship. Put your relationship over everything else at this point and work towards building a stronger foundation.

10. Surprise each other

Stop being your mundane self and surprise each other, whether sexually or by doing something totally out of your comfort zone.

Related Reading: 10 Ways to Thrill and Surprise Your Special Someone

11. Step out of the parent role

When you have kids, you stop being a girlfriend/boyfriend or husband/wife to your partner but end up only being a parent.  

That can cause the excitement in your marriage to fizzle out and can eventually lead to cheating. You can still work on your relationship while being a good parent. 

12. Avoid being paranoid

Cheating can be challenging to deal with. However, when you decide to give your relationship another chance, avoid being paranoid about your partner cheating on you or you cheating on them. 

Constant calls or messages to them can reflect your insecurities and cause them to steer away from you. 

13. Come clean with the other person

It is very important to give proper closure to the person or multiple people you were cheating on your partner with. Come clean with them, tell them that you do not wish to be in touch with them, and are giving your marriage or relationship another fair chance.

14. Recreate your memories

Do you remember when you first felt in love with your partner? Remember your first date? It may be a refreshing change if you both recreate those memories to remind yourself of the good times and feel in love with each other once again. 

Related Reading: 15 Awesome Ways to Create Memories with Your Partner

15. Give each other space

Dealing with cheating yourself or the fact that your partner cheated on you can be challenging. Give yourself and your partner the time and space needed to deal with this information before deciding to do something about it.

Bottom line

Like anything we want to improve or strengthen, consistency is critical. If you choose to stop cheating on your partner, the points above can help you build your relationship again and better this time around. Reach out to your partner, and seek professional help if needed. 

How to stop lying | PSYCHOLOGIES

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Know Yourself

“Lie walks on cockroach legs: they’re about to break”, “if you lie, you won’t die, but they won’t believe you ahead”, “a little lie leads a big one” - this is only a small part proverbs that each of us grew up with. Parents, older relatives and educators explained throughout childhood that “it’s not good to lie”, demanded the truth and shamed deceivers.

Of course, when we were little we were afraid of threats, but one day everything changed. Yesterday's children grew up and became smart enough to circle the adult world around their fingers. A world in which we see a discrepancy between the “lie is evil” attitude and the real actions of adults: we hear how they come up with non-existent reasons for refusals, gossip and pour dirt on those who smile in their faces. Lies are everywhere, and each of us is drawn into its abyss for a reason.

Until the age of 17 I was a pathological liar. At the age of three, the parents broke up, the care of upbringing fell on the shoulders of the maternal grandmother. I fell into a closed triangle - each corner had unspoken claims to the other, the relationship was strained, and in between it all drifted a little me.

If we don't want to tell the truth, there is no need to lie - just keep silent

On weekdays I lived with my grandmother, who, in my mother's opinion, dressed, fed and raised me incorrectly. For the weekend I went to visit a negligent, according to my grandmother, mother. Sometimes I saw my dad, about whom the family did not say bad things, because they did not say anything at all. Passing at the disposal of one of the relatives, I took his side in this war in order to be considered “one of my own” and feel safe - this is how lies and duplicity were born.

Next - transitional age, changing schools, extra classes and sports clubs, where again you need to wedge in and be accepted. How? The method is well-known: to hide the unnecessary and come up with a bunch of stories for which the team will take under its wing. Over the years, lies have not surfaced, and I realized that no one will check if you are telling the truth if you fit in. The feeling of control over what others think of you, and the interest in you, even if invented, made you slide further and further down the slippery path of lies, lose your real self and become more unhappy.

Everyone has their own reasons for embarking on this path, but if you are tired of suffering from the fear of exposure or find yourself superior to yourself in history, perhaps my experience will help you get rid of the destructive dependence on untruth. I do not propose to become a fighter for complete frankness and rush about the truth like a hand-written bag, stick it everywhere. Experience tells us that almost always, if we do not want to tell the truth, there is no need to lie - it is enough to remain silent.

So how do you stop lying?

1. Admit the problem

This is the hardest step because you have to be honest with yourself and admit that you need to change. Be a harsh judge and do not be content with partial recognition, do not bargain - do not divide lies into good and bad, consider it normal to lie "for good." Do not accept excuses and get out of the position of the victim - any lie can always be replaced by silence, there are no reasons for deception other than those that you came up with.

2. Find someone who can support you

Getting rid of any addiction is easier with someone's help. Find someone with whom you want to be truthful, and admit to him that you no longer want to lie, but you yourself are unable to stop. Be accountable to your helper, whether it be a relative, partner, friend, or priest. Do not hide anything from the one who decided to join this difficult battle on your side.

At the institute, I met my first love and true friend all rolled into one, a man brave enough not to be afraid to speak honestly and demand crystal honesty in return. For the first time, I tried to build relationships on trust and truth, because I sincerely wanted this.

To live honestly is a difficult path, a terrible one, requiring you to remove layers of lies that seem to have grown on yourself, to expose the long-hidden sides of your Self. This path requires a good guide. Find it and do not shift the responsibility for the result onto the shoulders of the person who volunteered to help - you are fighting for a pure and harmonious yourself.

3. Make a list of the reasons why lies are poisoning your life

Lists are the most useful trick that psychologists have taught us. List how lying interferes now and what consequences your tendency to lie can lead to. What will happen if major deceptions are revealed? Do you respect yourself if you lie all the time?

Write down a chain of people with whom you would get along much better if you were honest with them and with yourself. You will be surprised to realize how many people you have dragged into your tangle of lies, how many extra people you have lured into your life by deceit. Many will disappear from it as soon as you stop deceiving, flattering and pretending, because the real you is not for them and never was for them. Do not be afraid to break off such relationships: this will improve the main relationship in your life - the relationship with yourself.

4. Find the reason

A lie does not exist by itself, it always appears for something. Figure out why you need to cheat - do you want to hide something, please others, or control people? Find the root cause of the deception. Often the habit of lying comes from the family - as if you are genetically predisposed to lying, because relatives lie. But you are not your family and are not obliged to repeat after them, you have the right to live honestly and demand honesty in return for yourself.

Are you used to being the best at everything and are you afraid to fail? Don't be afraid to talk about failures: failures are part of us. It is better to get the support of loved ones in case of failures than praise for invented successes. The next time you are going to cheat, ask yourself: “what do I want to hide?” and decide whether to hide the truth.

Telling the truth is painful and difficult, scary and exciting, but it gets easier every time legends. You no longer want to invent fables, just to prove yourself in the best light. It will be easier for you to remain silent where lies used to settle. You no longer need to deceive, and for the most daring - the last point.

5. Start telling the truth

Staying on a slippery topic, communicating without equivocals and getting your point across, even if it differs from the opinion of the interlocutors, is an insanely difficult task. Once you have dealt with it and broken the habitual way, you will feel incredible — you will declare your true self, take the first step towards getting to know your true Self. Each truth expressed gives a surge of strength and strengthens the inner core. When you are honest, you are surrounded by people who want to be real with you - make an effort on yourself for the love of these people.

Let's be honest - it's hard to stop lying. Once you start lying, it's hard to stop. It takes a lot of work and determination to break a habit that has been a big part of your life.

However, by stopping lying, you will soon reap the fruits of a peaceful life. I promise that if you put in the effort to stop this toxic and destructive habit right now, you will be forever grateful.

Text: Polina Druzina Photo Source: Getty Images

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7 recommendations on how to stop lying . And indeed, a collision with someone else's lies is not the most pleasant moment in life. Everyone understands this, and yet, few people are trying to change something. The statistics are not encouraging: on average, a person lies 50-200 times a day. [1.] What makes a man lie, even if he knows he is doing wrong? In this article, we will talk about how to stop lying.

Contents:

  • What is a lie
  • Why do people lie
  • The negative consequences of lying
  • How to become a sincere person: 7 recommendations

What is a lie​

It is the intentional transmission of distorted factual and emotional information in order to create or maintain a belief in another person. [1]

Lies have long penetrated into all areas of our lives. They say that without deceit it is impossible to succeed at work, save a marriage for many years, raise a child, and maintain friendly relations with relatives and friends. This is a big mistake. Even a harmless lie can cause serious consequences for at least two people - for the one who lied and for the one who was deceived.

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Lying is a phenomenon that includes a variety of situations and tactics. Emotions, actions, words can be false. A person can distort data, removing important details from history or embellishing reality. Even hiding important information is considered cheating.

Why do people lie?

“I don’t know what to do with myself. I lie constantly - I embellish stories, and sometimes I completely “remake” them, I pass off my own fantasies as reality. I lie to everyone - friends, parents, husband. The most recent case: I told my spouse that I was rude at the clinic, although this did not happen. I was just offended that the doctor did not see me, so I lied. I did not expect this, but my husband began to call higher authorities and demand that the employees who insulted me be immediately punished. The truth, of course, came out. As a result, I had to justify myself to everyone - my husband and doctors. My husband was in shock, looked at me in amazement - they say, such an adult, but she came up with some kind of nonsense. He forgave me because he loves me. But can he continue to tolerate me, because the habit of lying has not gone away? I still lie - on small things and big things. I can't control myself and be honest. I don’t know how to stop lying to a loved one.”

— Irina, 23 years old

It is impossible to stop lying to people all the time without understanding what exactly pushes them to lie. People lie because:

  • from childhood they are used to being “fake”;
  • want to appear in the best light in the eyes of others;
  • want to relieve themselves of responsibility or justify any actions;
  • want to manipulate others;
  • seek some benefit;
  • want to meet the expectations of loved ones;
  • afraid to offend the interlocutor;
  • afraid to be honest and open;
  • truly believe that their lies are the truth. [2]

The negative consequences of lying

None of the causes of deliberate lying leads to a productive outcome. Problems that a person lied about or kept silent about will not cease to exist. And his real social status will not increase because of fictitious achievements and successes. It is quite possible to trick another person into doing something, but lies tend to be revealed, and then next time no one will want to do business with you.

A person who lies:

  • is depressed and oppressive with fear,
  • is lonely and has communication problems,
  • often gets into exhausting conflicts,
  • has a bad reputation among colleagues and a few acquaintances,
  • loses himself as a person . [3]

How to become a sincere person: 7 recommendations​

“I have been married for 15 years. I don’t know what to do - my husband lies to me all the time. Deception for any reason: that he will soon be at home, and he himself is delayed for another 2 hours; that he gave a friend money in debt, although he himself spent it; that he paid the bills for the apartment, but actually forgot. I often catch my man in a lie, but he constantly pretends that he does not understand what it is all about. There are no serious lies to cover up his betrayals from him yet. But why lie about everyday matters? I don't know how to explain to him that it's time to stop cheating. Calm conversations lead to nothing, everything repeats again and again. We have a son who is 13 years old. The guy also lies all the time, copying the behavior of his father.

— Marina, 35 years old

Living honestly is a difficult path that requires great personal change. It is impossible overnight to unlearn lying if lying has already become a pathological habit. This is a difficult struggle with the habitual pattern of behavior. In order to develop new personal qualities, one has to remove the accrued lies layer by layer, look at life differently, open one's eyes to unresolved problems, admit mistakes made.

So how to become sincere? The recommendations of psychologists will help:

1.
Be sincere with yourself

Many pathological liars eventually begin to believe their own lies. This must not be allowed. It is much more productive to acknowledge the problem, rather than run away from it. So why convince yourself that you didn’t call a friend because of forgetfulness, and not because your relationship hasn’t been “gluing” lately?

If you stop lying to yourself, you will be honest with others as well.

2.
Put yourself in the other person's shoes when you want to lie

To fight your own lies, when the urge to lie is simply irresistible, try putting yourself in the other person's shoes. The simplest, but very effective technique, which will gradually move into the rank of good habits. Before you lie, think about this: would you yourself be pleased to hear a lie in a similar situation? Probably not. Develop empathy so as not to hurt the feelings of loved ones.

3.
Highlight topics that make you lie

You must clearly see the reasons that make you constantly lie / embellish reality / hide the truth. Select for yourself these "painful" topics.

In what areas of your life do you lie more often? It can be a professional activity, a relationship with a partner, raising children. It seems that it is easier to lie - so even in a meaningless conversation you can seem better and more successful. All this is the reason for complexes and fears.

By identifying "problem" areas for yourself, it will become easier for you to work productively on yourself.

4. If you can't tell the truth, it's better to keep silent

Do you understand that you can't help lying? Force yourself to be silent. Instead of making up stories all over again, politely avoid the question or change the subject. Perhaps your answer will create some awkwardness in the conversation, but it is much more productive than lying.

5.
Don't exaggerate

To be an honest person, start small - stop embellishing your stories. Sometimes even an ordinary discussion of affairs with a friend / girlfriend turns into boasting and real fairy tales. It seems that nothing bad will happen if you tell your colleagues how wonderful your vacation was, without saying that you actually chose not the best hotel and quarreled with your husband / wife all the time. But to be honest, you have to stop being afraid to be yourself.

Learn to control yourself. Do not embellish reality in conversations and do not give advice, presenting yourself as an expert in this or that issue, although you are not one.

6.
Stop gossiping

Even an innocent discussion with a friend of mutual acquaintances can lead to unpleasant consequences. Yes, there is a desire to look better than the other person. But gossip, for the most part, is also a lie. They destroy friendships and professional relationships.

To stop gossiping, before engaging in an unpleasant conversation, consider: Could you say the same thing to the face of the person in question? If you can, then it's not gossip. But if not, you will certainly “wash the bones” of another person, which cannot be called good form.

7.
Practice telling the truth

If you lie more than you tell the truth, practice being honest. This will help you to be more open and aware of your own mistakes of behavior.

One of the effective exercises is communication with strangers (for example, on online forums). Communicate frankly on thematic sites and reveal all the facets of your personality. Telling the truth to a person with whom you have no relationship is much easier due to the absence of any negative consequences. It does not matter what exactly you will discuss with strangers - your life, TV shows, favorite culinary recipes, etc. The main rule is to tell the interlocutor only the truth.

Another way to train the ability to be honest is to go to the mirror once a day and tell your reflection at least one truth that you hide from yourself or from others. This will help you understand that admitting your own mistakes means doing the right thing and developing decency. There will come a time when you decide to sincerely tell about your lies to people whom you once offended. This will remove the burden of responsibility from the soul.

To stop lying to your loved ones, it is important to want it and come to an understanding that lying is just as bad a habit as, for example, smoking. Rejection must be decisive and unequivocal. But in some cases, the abuse of lies reaches such proportions that it becomes impossible to solve the problem on your own.

In the fight against negative behavior patterns, including constant lies, 7Spsy behavior change technology shows excellent results. This is a certified method based on the theories of I. P. Pavlov, B. F. Skinner, A. A. Ukhtomsky and others. behavior, to stop constantly lying, - on trifles and on more serious issues, will teach sincerity in communication. Very soon, the benefits of an honest life, in which there is no place for lies, will become apparent to you. You will notice that it is no longer necessary to remember the details of the untruth told, and those around you will begin to treat you with more respect in response to your sincerity. By following the training program, you will replace negative attitudes with positive ones, receive valuable recommendations that will help you further develop honesty. Having sorted out personal problems, you will stop going about the complexes and fears that constantly push you to deliberate lies and prevent you from developing.

Behavior modification course takes 2-6 weeks. Classes are held remotely, the psychologist gives recommendations by phone, e-mail and online chats. You are under no obligation to tell anyone that you are undergoing training and solving your personal problems with a specialist. Participation in the course is strictly confidential.

To become honest means to become more self-confident, decent and successful, to get rid of numerous complexes. Lies are destructive, they should not accompany you all your life. Being sincere is far more productive.

Sources:

  1. “Lies and methods of protection against them”, 2017, V. Sheynov.
  2. "Psychology of lies and deceit: how to expose a liar", 2016, E.
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