My husband searched for his ex on facebook
Husband Looking for Ex on Facebook
Updated on February 01, 2014
M.E. asks from Bronx, NY
33 answers
So I went away for the weekend with the kids and when i get home I find out my husband was looking for his ex on facebook. I asked him about it and he denied it. I gave him another chance and he lied again until I told him I saw her name on the web history.
He admitted it. The thing that angers me the most is the lying.
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Featured Answers
D.D.
answers from Pittsburgh on
There is clearly an underlying issue here. Why else would you even think to ask this, why would he lie, why would you investigate his recent searches to prove he's lying, and why would any of this be a big deal in the first place.
I suggest you get marriage counseling for the underlying issues, because this whole situation is just a symptom of something bigger.
4 moms found this helpful
R.
S. answers from Odessa on
I looked up all my exboyfriends to see how they are doing. One saw my name on his history of visitors and reached out, but I ignored it because we are married to others It taught me there is no such thing as anonymous looking and I haven't snooped since.
The lying would make me mad. I can't stand that.
More Answers
S.R.
answers from Washington DC on
I have frequently looked up old friends, boyfriends, old work acquaintances...I'd be embarrassed if anyone saw that and may deny it too...
It's just basic curiosity...you always wonder "what happened to.....?"
Let it go, I doubt he had any grand plans to rekindle old flames.
16 moms found this helpful
J.
S. answers from Richland on
If I were him the thing that would anger me is you checking my history. Sometimes FB pops up under the people you might know, exes. Sometimes I have clicked on them just curious what they are up to. Not exactly looking to connect, heck sometimes just to confirm they are still a loser. If my husband fliped his nut about this I would have a serious discussion with him about trust.
13 moms found this helpful
J.W.
answers from St. Louis on
He shouldn't have lied but I will admit I have looked for several ex boyfriends online and am facebook friends with a couple. lol I would NEVER cheat on my husband. IT's just curiousity and maybe a little reminiscing about my younger wilder days.
I don't talk to any of them though. If My hubby asked me I would tell the truth but I certainly don't volunteer the info.
12 moms found this helpful
S.T.
answers from Washington DC on
i've noodled around in an idle hour to see what exes were up to. had nothing to do with wanting to see them or talk to them again.
no way.
just human curiosity.
i'd be supah-pissed about being lied to. i have a real bee in my bonnet about that. but my dh knows that, and it's mutual. consequently we're very smart about what questions we ask each other<G>.
so, yours might be lying because he's covering something up. on the other hand, if you have a habit of unfounded suspiciousness and you regularly monitor his texts and emails and FB searches, he may just have been trying to deflect another baseless accusation.
only you know which is correct.
khairete
S.
10 moms found this helpful
R.M.
answers from San Francisco on
Do you have other marital problems or reasons to distrust your husband?
Looking for exes on FB is common and harmless, imo. Most of us are curious by nature. Some of my exes are now my FB "friends," and it's not a big deal.
Maybe he lied because he knew you would be upset about it?
If your marriage is good, I don't think it should bother you.
8 moms found this helpful
L.M.
answers from New York on
Why were you snooping on him?
IMO jealousy is unattractive.
Concentrate on your marriage and your relationship not on petty things. I agree, if you have a sound marriage it is likely human curiosity. It's natural...
8 moms found this helpful
J.C.
answers from New York on
He probably lied since he knew how you'd react.
It's totally NORMAL to look up an ex online. We are all curious how our ex's are looking, who they married, if they had children, if they got hopefully fat and bald and their wife is headed in that direction, too.
Just because you look someone up doesn't mean you want to get back together. It just means that something reminded you of them and because of the internet, you have the ability to do a search and check out what they are up to. Don't make it more than it is.
8 moms found this helpful
R.
. answers from San Antonio on
I looked up some of my ex's...I was just curious how they turned out. Goodness time has not been kind to them. My husband was the best choice of the bunch!! BY FAR!!
8 moms found this helpful
G.♣.
answers from Springfield on
Next time you should elbow him in the ribs and in a coy voice say, "So, looking up Amy on Facebook, I see? Hmm, am I still hotter than her?"
He'd probably get a teensy bit embarrassed and pay you a really nice compliment.
I recently looked up one of my exes just for fun. When I saw his picture I noticed how much weight he had gained and how much hair he had lost. Superficial, I know, but it made me feel a little less embarrassed about my own weight gain and other signs of aging.
Seriously, it's just something we occasionally do when we're thinking about the past and wondering or reminiscing. Just like a friend of a friend telling you something your ex is up to. It's human nature to be curious.
Do not read too much into this.
7 moms found this helpful
G.B.
answers from Oklahoma City on
I did that too. I wanted to find out if they'd lost their teeth and hair or gained weight, you know, to see what they looked like now. It's human curiosity to see what happened to old friends, lovers, and more. I'd say he was embarrassed by it but lying is wrong. He did that because he didn't want to go into it with you.
You're not his mom you're his wife. Unless he's a cheating sob he deserves to have his privacy and not have you coming in a checking his search history.
I'd lie too if my privacy was infringed on.
My hubby has his laptop in one room and mine is in the living room because that's where I am 99% of the time. He knows my password but he has his own admin account on it so he can work on it if needed and he's told me his a few times but I always have to ask if I'm using his computer for anything because I don't want to remember.
I'd say let this go and that you've learned your lesson. He knows how you feel and he is still an adult and has curiosity. Sometimes visiting with an ex is also a way to resolve past hurts and issues where a person can move on. I have an excellent relationship with my ex. He grew up to be a pretty amazing man. Hubby and I often go visit him and his wife when we go to OKC and I've even spent the night there when I had a very early morning appt. and didn't want to drive at 4am. They let me spend the night so I could get up at 5:30 and drive a few miles.
Having a relationship with an ex is not a bad thing.
It can be a good friendship.
6 moms found this helpful
E.A.
answers from Erie on
Just make sure that you are angry about the right thing here. No reason to be angry about an internet search, that's like a 1984 Thought Crime. But the lying would have me concerned. You have a right to be upset about that.
6 moms found this helpful
L.A.
answers from Austin on
Maybe he lied because he knew you would get mad.
I have looked up old boyfriends and even told my husband about it. He might puff up, but when I tell him, I am just curious, he does not care.
They all look like disasters. I am sure they are very nice, but gosh.. I got off with the prize.
I have looked up some of his old girlfriends, we are even friends with one on FB.. I have never cared for her and she is totally not a person he says he would have been interested in as an adult.
If you allow him to tell you the truth, he will.
If you tend to get bent out of shape about this type of thing, he will lie hoping not to have to listen to gripes.
He is an adult. If the two of you have good communication, you will not need to be upset about these things and he will not have to hide it.
6 moms found this helpful
M.L.
answers from Colorado Springs on
I understand. It may be natural curiosity to want to peek at your ex-spouse, ex-friend, or ex-anything else on Facebook.
But why cover it up? If he hadn't, maybe you could both have joked about how he got such a better deal when he got you!
Can you ask him why he lied to you? Of course, right now you don't know if you'll believe any answer he gives. But some people lie because they know their actions - or their motives - are definitely not beyond question. Other people lie because they're simply afraid of the anger of the person questioning them.
If you could say to him, "Next time you look up your ex, tell me what you discover. But please, please tell me the truth about things. I want to trust you always," maybe it might help the situation.
6 moms found this helpful
L.U.
answers from Seattle on
yup, the lying would bother me too. But I don't think it would bother me "too" much if he was looking.
Can't say for sure though.
I have looked for an ex or two. Not because I wanted to hook up with them, meet them, see them. I just wanted to know what had happened with their lives. Did they get married? Did they have kids? Have they gone bald?
L.
5 moms found this helpful
I.X.
answers from Los Angeles on
Yeah, thats annoying that he felt the need to lie. But who on here has not looked up an an ex or googled them? It doesn't mean he wanted to "friend" her, or start a conversation. Sometimes you just wonder, did they have kids, did they get fat, or bald? I think its a reasonable curiosity. I'd cut him some slack and if it comes up only focus on the lying.
5 moms found this helpful
T.
S. answers from San Francisco on
I've looked up ex's on Facebook, so has my husband. We're even friends with two of them.
You say you are angry mostly because of the lying, which means you are also angry about him looking up an ex.
Maybe that's why he lied.
Look, it's a knee jerk reaction to lie about something when we know someone's going to get mad at us. So TALK to him about it. Unless he has cheated or you have a valid reason to think he's looking to cheat on you then what's wrong with being on friendly terms with an ex? I just don't get it.
Oh wait, what is your question???
5 moms found this helpful
M.2.
answers from Chicago on
I'd be upset that he lied too but maybe he was embarrassed to admit it? Either way I'd cut him some slack! I'm also guilty of 'checking up' on ex-boyfriends online and facebook simply out of curiousity - they are ex's for a reason!
5 moms found this helpful
I.
O. answers from McAllen on
Something that I learned in therapy years ago is that I shouldn't set someone up to lie to me. (It was mainly about kids.) I'm not blaming you for his lying, but I think that it's a step that could have been avoided if you had just said that it looked like he'd been looking for her and then addressed your concerns about that. If it's the first time you've dealt with something like this, then he may have had reason to believe that it was just easier to keep it to himself, especially if he never found her. If you guys haven't had this issue before, then his first response was not to come clean about something that he chose to process privately.
We often think that getting married gives us rights to every thought that our spouses have. It would certainly make us feel more secure. We're still individuals, though, and all we can ask of our spouses is that our agreements be honored in certain behaviors.
We cannot control what or how they think. If we care to garner their confidence and trust, then we have to be mindful of how we approach them and what we demand of them.
Your focus in on the wrong thing. Talk to him about what he hopes to accomplish by locating her. Treat it as a getting-to-know-you session, not an inquisition. Let him share with you, and hear him. This is what will teach him that he can trust your responses to this type of information, and lying won't be his first choice. The lying does not automatically mean that he had ill intent. It likely does mean that this was a thought that he wanted to keep to himself for now. Either he didn't want to share it at all or he wasn't sure of how to share it without getting a mouthful from you, and it wasn't a big enough issue to him to get you all upset. Once you talk about it, he'll know.
Oh, and I look up people all the time and don't tell my husband. If he were to question me about it--accusatorily--then it might bring feelings of shame that I would want to cover up.
Maybe I had a moment of curiosity and felt a little creepy about it.
Try to stay on task when "confronting" him. I think that the way you did it was tricky. This is why men don't like to talk to women; there are just too many angles and corners involved. Address the issue that you want to address, and leave no room for miscommunication.
4 moms found this helpful
O.H.
answers from Phoenix on
What's your question?
4 moms found this helpful
D..
answers from Miami on
He's gonna do what he wants to do, whether you like it or not.
He doesn't want to hear your opinion about it, so he lies like a fool (I say a fool because you can read the history on the computer, for crying out loud).
Now he knows to clear his web history.
There's no good answer here. He's either going to do something or he's not. Sorry...
4 moms found this helpful
T.F.
answers from Dallas on
Was he angry with you for checking his history on the computer as soon as you got home from a trip? I would be angry with my husband if he went behind my back snooping for something on me.
Do you have FB? If so, you do realize that random names of acquaintances etc do pop up on the screen. I also hate lit if someone lies but I doubt he was looking to hook up with an ex. It's quite possible he was just browsing old friends and acquaintances on the internet.
It sounds like there's an underlying issue of mistrust in the relationship.
4 moms found this helpful
S.S.
answers from Chicago on
Yup, rip his hair out. Just kidding. If I can be annoyingly helpful at least he lied because he knows it is wrong (I hate liars myself). And it will probably stop him from doing it again. Most people don't like being in the dog house. If it continues back to his hair...surely he just thought that was something he could sneakily get away with. Duh, why are some men so dumb...well to be fair it isn't just men is it?
3 moms found this helpful
J.S.
answers from Hartford on
Do you want to know the #1 reason my husband lies about stupid little shitty things that I wouldn't have been mad about in the first place if he hadn't lied making me think there was something "going on?"
"I knew you would be mad and wanted to avoid an argument.
" He's often shocked when I say, "That wouldn't have bothered me a single bit. The lie is what pisses me off so now I have to wonder if the lie is covering up something else."
He lies about visiting his MOTHER when he goes to the bank that's half a mile from her house. I know he's going to visit her when he goes to that bank, but when I ask him ahead of time so that I have an idea if I should make him lunch on that Saturday, he says, "No." Like he thinks I'll be upset if his mother cooks lunch for him and he does some yard work for her. I tell him all the time that he needs to call her more and spend more time with her when he can even if the girls and I don't always make it down with him.
But no. He'd rather say, "No, I'm not stopping at Ma's. I'll be home within an hour." Then he's gone for four hours. I call his mother's house because his cell phone is off and ask to talk to him, and she puts him on the phone. He says, "Why did you call here?" LOL "I needed to tell you that I'm taking the girls out, and since your phone isn't on I didn't want you to worry that we weren't here when you got home.
"
I've looked up exes too. Not a big deal because it's a curiosity thing. Dodged some bullets, I'll say. :-) I know that my husband would probably lie if I asked him if he looked up an ex. I wouldn't care about the looking up. Just the lie.
3 moms found this helpful
L.K.
answers from San Francisco on
Are you cornering your husband because there is good reason (like he truly could be cheating) or is this part of the way that you communicate? In EITHER case, I think it could be very helpful for you to talk with a counselor. Someone for you and someone for you AND your hubby to see together.
2 moms found this helpful
R.
X. answers from Houston on
I think we all seek to know what an ex is doing. But, I still would be pissed. I would tell him to go ahead and look her up but that you will, in turn, look up an ex, as well.
Yes, that sounds petty, but I'm still in the human race, not a saint yet.
2 moms found this helpful
J.D.
answers from Albany on
I recently looked up an ex trolling around on Facebook. I'm married 10 years. And this ex was my other long-term relationship (5 years). I'm curious and nosey. I'm sure its normal and everyone does it. It means nothing (in my case). And I have no interest in making contact. Unless you have cause to doubt your husband, give him the benefit of the doubt.
And let him know you just want him to be upfront. He may just feel awkward about it......
1 mom found this helpful
R.M.
answers from Cumberland on
I think the question is why was he looking? Sometimes when people break up, they can still be friends or lose touch, connect with someone else and yet, just want to see how the other person is doing-it doesn't mean there are still feelings -it's probably just curiosity. The lying is the issue-because now the trust that you once had has been breached. It's going to take a while to put that back together; I will note that the grass is most emphatically not greener on the other side. Good luck-work this out-it will be best for all of you as a family.
1 mom found this helpful
S.
B. answers from Kansas City on
The lying would be the problem for me, too. I have looked up ex's on facebook, and my husband has as well. We pretty much then end up telling each other about what we found. We're not looking to hook back up, just curious how their lives went. (his ex wife recently had triplets, we found this amusing as she had previously said she never wanted kids because she liked having nice purses.) I'm friends with a couple of exes on facebook and I know he's friends with one of his. The key is being honest. We never even log out of our fbs on our computers or ipad (Probably this will change in the near future as our daughter gets older and wants to play on the computer/ipad as well.) so I've accidentally checked his thinking it was mine and I don't care if he checks mine. The lying would be the big problem for me, as well.
1 mom found this helpful
S.
R. answers from Los Angeles on
I don't think it's weird he looked up his ex. We all get curious. I am FB friends with both my ex BF's. I'm even FB friends with my husbands ex, who have only met once. My hubs doesn't use his FB so I requested her myself, thinking she's probably interested in seeing what goes on with him through me and my pictures now and then. Of course she is, she accepted.
Like you, I'd be more annoyed about the denial part.
BUT why did he lie, that's the part you need to really evaluate. Is it because he was embarrassed? Because he truly has something to hide? Because you are a major ball-buster and he just didn't want to deal with your reaction to it?
I'm guessing the 3rd. No offense, that's just the way husbands/wives are, I have the same dynamic with mine- if he thought it would be an easier road to do a little white lie on me about something embarrassing and get away with it, he totally would too.
Just to avoid the brutal shame of me calling him out. Even on something lame and harmless like scoping out exes on Facebook.
1 mom found this helpful
E.P.
answers from Tampa on
One guy I dated briefly in highschool found me recently. He said he had a dream about me and then he sought me out and friended me. We exchanged one friendly email. I told him I was married and had kids. I saw his profile and he has a wife and kids too. He lives in another state so I don't think him thinking about me and looking me up was a romantic thing- just a curious thing.
We haven't spoke since but we are facebook friends.
It could be innocent like that. My only concern is that your man lied about it.
K.O.
answers from Atlanta on
The looking up the ex is fine - I do it in a non harmful way.
It's just curious what's going on in his life...hoping he's happy. That sort of thing. I would be irate over the lying. If he's lying about little stuff like that, who knows what else he could be lying about. Personally, I would address it with him and only emphasize the lying.
The Hidden Dangers of Searching for An Ex on Social Media
Social media has opened the door to instant updates on former S.O.s, ex-lovers, and the proverbial ones who got away. It's only natural that you might want to find out more about their current life and loves, and check in to see how life has treated them. But curiosity and accessibility may also inspire those of us who do not have professional detective skills to advanced levels of snooping, lurking, and occasionally obsessing over photos of an ex's current life.
Reconnections with former sweethearts can be fun and may sometimes lead to a second chance at love. But there is a whole other cyber can of worms you might open each time you enter the name of a former flame into a search engine—especially if you or your ex are already spoken for.
Of course, the internet makes it so tempting to peek, but most experts agree you should thinkbefore you snoop. "The urge to cyber-stalk an ex can be unbearable," says therapist Mary Beth Somich, MA, EdM. "You have to weigh in your mind whether or not the reward is worth the risk."
We asked experts about the pros and cons of searching for an ex in social media. Here's what you need to know about the rules of engagement:
1. It's natural to want to see what an ex is up to...
In other words, you are not a crazy stalker. "From an evolutionary perspective, it is honestly pretty normal behavior to cyber-stalk an ex, especially if you are looking for information about his or her new potential partner," says Somich.
"A woman's natural instinct—talking cavewomen—is to look after her babies and partner and to fight anyone threatening that." Kids or not, some women tend to want all the information they can get and social media makes that easy, she says. "The good news is that once you're actually over an ex, the urge to cyber-stalk significantly reduces."
2. ...but you've got to own up to your motives.
There's a vast difference between satisfying your natural curiosity about whatever happened to so-and-so and searching for the partner who was the best sex you ever had because you think the grass is greener on the other side of your committed relationship. "Too often people are driven to reconnect when they are bored, lonely, or frustrated with life," says cognitive therapist Paul DePompo, PsyD, ABPP, author of The Other Woman's Affair."If this is the case for you, it is not the right time, even though it may seem like the 'best option.
'" DePompo and many experts suggest that you communicate directly with the person you are in relationship with—and spend time making changes, rather than trying to avoid problems by fantasizing about an old flame. "I have seen many affairs emerge due to online searches and reconnecting to past exes," he says. "It often starts innocent and ends horribly."
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3. You may get a second chance at love.
That said, sometimes the timing is right. There are many tales about former sweethearts finding each other years and decades later. "It's only been about ten to 15 years that we've been able to easily look for an ex-lover," says Michael Arn, PsyD, an expert in relationship psychology, intimacy and communications. Reaching out is a great idea if both parties are open to it and free to pursue. "The ability to reconnect with an ex when the timing is right for both of you, has led to many former couples rekindling a relationship and making it last," he says.
Jennifer Waller was curious to see how her high school "Prince Charming" was doing when she noticed his name pop up as a possible connection on Facebook. "We were high school sweethearts in 1984 to 1985 and my parents adored him," says Waller, who is the founder and CEO of Celtic Complexion Luxury Artisan Skincare. "We broke up shortly after he graduated from high school and lost touch." In 2010, they reconnected but timing was off because they were both in relationships. When things ended with other partners they found each other in 2013. "The entire whirlwind romance felt like something from a movie, and for this reason I'm indebted to Mark Zuckerberg," she says. They finally reunited at an airport and ended up spending five days in the penthouse suite of a swanky hotel, talking and reminiscing about the time that had passed. "By the end of those five days, we knew we wanted to be together," she says. "On the way to the airport, we stopped at a jewelry store and he had me pick out a ring, and he proposed in my car.
" They were married in 2014 and are now business partners, too.
4. Even if you're single or divorced, you still need to think before searching.
When you locate a past love and your heart goes pitter patter, it is easy to get excited. "If you are single, free, ready for a relationship and you feel you have learned from the past, then there is nothing wrong with reaching out to see if the flame can reignite now that you have grown," says DePompo. But it is always gamble that can possibly trigger regret, he says. It's important to keep the rose-colored glasses off so you can see clearly who this person is today.
5. You can begin to make amends.
For some people, finding a sense of completion or forgiveness for ways they may have hurt an ex is important. "Reaching out to say you are sorry is appropriate, if you are sorry, and if you don't expect something in return," say Dr.
Gail Saltz, MD, psychiatrist and host of "The Power of Different" podcast. "It can make a very big difference to the lasting impact of hurt, to apologize and if you are estranged, social media may be the only mechanism." She says to lead with, "I am sorry for…" But be warned: Social media can allow two people to set things right, but it's not the place to send a message saying you want to get back together or to have the entire apology conversation. "While you may start that way, if things get complex, a conversation is no doubt better," says Dr. Saltz.
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6. Realize that you may not be seeing things realistically.
Consider the possibility that the one who got away… got away for a reason. "If it didn't work out the first time (or second, third or fourth), it probably won't work out the fifth," says relationship expert Allison Abrams, LCSW. She says we hang on to old loves that have long expired because our selective memory tends to kick in.
"Suddenly all of the ugly, negative parts of the relationship that made us leave in the first place, get suppressed, no longer exist, or are minimized," she says. Our skewed memory of actual events leaves us with recall of only the positive aspects of the person and, she adds, "Oscar-worthy scenes in our heads of the good times."
7. Sexual attraction can trick your brain into thinking it's love.
The allure of an ex can lead us to believe our former flames are better than our current loves, says Love Biologist Dawn Maslar, author of Men Chase, Women Choose: The Neuroscience of Meeting, Dating, Losing Your Mind, and Finding True Love. "If they find the person and the attraction is still there, this can trigger the release of norepinephrine," she says. "That's what gives you feeling of attraction such as sweaty palms and rapid heartbeat." Physical reactions and sexual desire can be mistaken for love.
"This can be compounded especially if it's a first love or very emotional love, because norepinephrine causes those [happy] memories to be more dominant in the brain." In real time, the good ole days—and your ex—may not have been as great as they seem now.
8. The urge to connect is often just wistfulness for the past.
Just as we enjoy seeing movies that remind us of certain times of life, an ex can conjure memories of a more carefree, romantic, or sexy time. "People are often driven to reconnect by nostalgia," points out marriage and family therapist Talia Wagner. Sometimes we wish we could go back and do it better. "Time serves its part in our ability to reflect on old relationships and hindsight allows us to think about things that we could have said or done differently." The desire to return to former loves especially heats up when our current lives do not materialize the way we would have liked, she says.
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9.
There's a greater risk of having an emotional affair. Inappropriate bonds can form way before anyone takes their clothes off. "It is just too easy to reconnect and remember only the good feelings, the lust, the feeling [of being] appreciated without being reminded of the lousy times," says Saltz. "This is why [reconnecting] leads to a seemingly intense emotional connection quickly—because of the romantic history, [there's] an increased likelihood of flirtation and movement into a romantic attachment." She and so many experts advise not looking up an ex if you are in a current relationship that you don't want to ruin. "It's just a slippery slope," she says.
10. Images of a happy ex can haunt you like a ghost.
Swimwear designer Jennifer Lowe wishes she'd never accidentally stumbled on her ex's page. "You don't want to make that first click because it's a downward spiral and it's not going to make you feel any better," she says.
"[Even if] his new girlfriend looks awful, is 50 pounds heavier, and is much older," she points out, seeing it with your own eyes can lead to jealousy or wondering what would had been. "I've already mourned the loss once," she says, which is why she looked away and never looked back. Arn adds, "It's human nature to compare ourselves to other people and even to compare our current dating life with our ex's." But don't linger in their world. "Make sure to be getting out there and to be living in the present moment with the people in your real life," he says.
12. You may be prone to inappropriate cyber etiquette.
Don't take the bait if it seems like an ex is posting things to make you feel bad on purpose. "At least do yourself a favor and resist the urge to comment, post, call, email, message, or express any jealousy or anger based on what you've seen," says Somich. "If you are afraid you might react this way it means you are not ready. Your ex deserves privacy.
If they are posting things just to provoke a jealous reaction from you then they are not for you." Be the bigger person, she says, ignore it, and move on.
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13. Your heart can get your heart broken—again.
And it may take longer to heal. Jesse Fox and Robert S. Tokunaga researched breakup-related "interpersonal surveillance," which they also referred to as "Facebook stalking," and shared their findings in the September 2015 edition of Cyberpsychology, Behavior, and Social Networking. "Analysis of the data provided by 464 participants revealed that Facebook surveillance was associated with greater current distress over the breakup, more negative feelings, sexual desire, and longing for the ex-partner, and lower personal growth," they wrote. Frequent monitoring of an ex-partner's Facebook page and list of friends, even when one was not a Facebook friend of the ex-partner, was common.
And certain information "intensifies heartbreak, such as news that the former partner is involved in a new relationship," they wrote. The research showed that people who constantly monitored their ex via Facebook found it harder to move on.
If you are still in love with—or grieving over—an ex, the best approach if is to stay away from his/her social media pages, advises therapist Abrams. "Cutting off contact completely with the person you are trying to get over is the most effective, and quickest, way to move on," she says. "Though communication through social media may not necessarily be interactive, it is still communication and will make the healing process that much harder. It may be time to de-friend the memory altogether."
Husband in social networks - how to stop being jealous
Social networks are an important part of our life: it's so easy to show a photo from a vacation, show off your child's success. But what if the husband is more interested in being there, and not with you?
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What does he want?
Anna: Nowhere on my husband's page is it indicated that he is married to me, we have no "common" friends, he never uploads our joint photos and does not mention family life.
In general, judging by social networks, he can be mistaken for a mysterious bachelor. It looks strange, because all the couples we know do not hesitate to advertise their relationship, comment on a friend, show joint photos.
Faith: My husband completely closed his pages on social networks from me and refused to add me as a friend. He says that this is his personal space, which he misses so much, that he does nothing there for which he could be ashamed, that there are mostly (mostly!) colleagues, former and current, and shine his personal he doesn't want life. And, most importantly, he doesn't like that I "control".
On Talya: Accidentally discovered that her husband leads a hectic online life: he meets girls, “likes” their photos, actively writes in a couple of hobby communities. Judging by the texts, this is not just communication, this is obvious flirting, and I categorically do not like it. But, on the other hand, he does not translate his communication into reality and at the same time does not control my every step.
But still, I really don't like it!
Elena: Husband communicates with his ex-girlfriend on social networks, exchanges photos with her, chats and jokes. He does not particularly hide this correspondence, but it began to strain me: they communicate almost every day. What can two married people who have long been strangers discuss there?
Unreal reality
Changes in electronic media over the past ten years have become simply revolutionary, and social networks have become a phenomenon that scientists are seriously studying. Odnoklassniki and VKontakte, Facebook (The social network is recognized as extremist and banned on the territory of the Russian Federation) and Instagram (The social network is recognized as extremist and banned on the territory of the Russian Federation) — networks have become an important part of how people communicate and interact in modern culture . We publish, it seems, reports about any events in our lives - vacations, family holidays, meeting with girlfriends and mornings at the office - we want our friends to know about it.
But, unfortunately, we do not always think about the possible consequences.
Real betrayal is, in fact, a very labor-intensive and tiring task: there is too much to remember, and in the end, too much is at stake.
Virtual “treason” is just buttons on the keyboard, behind which you can’t see real people with their experiences and feelings, and where each of the participants shows the other only the side of himself that he wants to show. Yes, there are men who find it very difficult - yes, almost impossible - to resist this temptation: to hide behind the image. But something else is also important: if the Internet and social networks did not exist, people who are ready to deceive their partners would find other ways to do it.
Why would he?
Psychologist Maria Shumikhina believes: “When some problems are described to a family therapist, one of the main questions that the therapist asks is: “What does this mean for your family?” Because the same behavior can mean very different things.
And if one of the spouses is on social networks, then this behavior can also have a different meaning. Sometimes it’s completely harmless: “Let me be alone with myself and dream up ". And sometimes it's the last step before a divorce: "I don't know how else I'm supposed to show that it's over, but I don't take responsibility for the final break yet."
Sometimes a couple is someone who is distracted and addicted to social networks - a way to avoid the usual conflicts, and there are special rituals: "Listen, I'm angry, go and see, no one gave you likes?" - and after a while, through likes, the family reunion begins.
But there are also very painful processes associated with these same social networks. As a rule, soreness is very much related to how much one of the spouses depends on the other. If a husband or wife defiantly flirts in social networks, does not indicate marital status, manipulates the feelings of another partner, then in these relationships there may be a tendency to sado-masochistic games in relationships, mutual infliction of emotional pain.
For example: “The more you depend on me, the more demonstratively I will comment on beauties on the Internet.” And this, of course, hurts a lot (but, as a rule, hurts both parties - in different ways).
This can and should be worked on. When communicating with such a couple, the psychologist focuses on two tasks: firstly, the husband and wife learn to openly discuss the difficulties and desires of each, and attempts at mutual revenge, the unconscious desire to hurt, are gradually reduced. Secondly, the painful dependence and trauma of each partner is worked out so that the difficulties that are inevitable in marriage can be more easily endured, and the vulnerability is less "teasing" the partner's unconscious sadistic needs.
How to proceed?
Assess your marriage. When a couple acts as a team and is ready to work on a relationship, their expectations from each other more often coincide, and they perceive conflicts not as a way to assert themselves.
It is difficult for two egoists - they are only trying to get something from each other, and not to offer. An important aspect of any union is to have a safe space for frankness, so that you can openly discuss any issues and problems and, most importantly, hear each other.
Agree on restrictions. Social media is so accessible that it's hard to realize how much time we spend there. Enter new rules: do not use your phone and tablet in the evening, after a certain hour, at a time when you are walking with the whole family. This will help to make it clear to the other that communication comes first.
Exchange passwords. A risky but symbolic move. Just because you know each other's passwords doesn't mean you'll actually use it - it's more of a gesture of trust in each other. The most important condition is to be ready to never use this information, respecting each other's personal space.
Start with a question.
If you notice on your husband's page his photo in the arms of another woman, it is natural to immediately draw the worst possible conclusion. But in a trusting relationship, the presumption of innocence operates - maybe this is a photo from a corporate party, where everyone is having fun and no one thinks what it looks like? Try asking: “I noticed your post and photo with N, but I don’t remember something about you talking about it. Who is it?" The difference is that this is not an accusation, but a direct question.
Use social media to keep in touch with your husband. Are you used to using instant messengers? Move to Odnoklassniki or VKontakte, exchange greetings, interesting links and funny pictures. This will allow you to stay in touch with pleasure, and will also accustom your husband to the idea that you are here, right here.
See what others are writing about your husband. This can be especially helpful at times when your relationship is cool.
Looking at your husband through the eyes of other people is a good way to remember why you fell in love with him.
When you are together, communicate in person. Even at home, there is a temptation to write a message to your husband in the kitchen, and then find that you didn’t say a word to each other all evening. Put your phones away and don't be lazy to walk to the kitchen.
Talk about your feelings. Say that it hurts you, that you don't like it, and that you don't intend to put up with it (if you really don't). It is important that all these emotions are expressed in the form of "I-messages", that is, that you talk about how you feel, what worries you, what consequences you see in this for yourself and for your relationship with your husband. This is not an accusation - this is a way to make it clear that this hurts you. The more openly you talk about your feelings, the more likely your husband will hear you.
Do not take rubbish out of the public.
Don't share your fights with your husband all over the Internet. A post in which you publicly pour out poison is like a billboard saying "We're in trouble."
These tips are for your husband
Select "Married" as your relationship status. Don't leave it blank, don't select "It's complicated" or "Actively searching" - even if you're trying to be funny. Because it's not funny.
You should not write anything on the Internet that you could not say to the whole world , or pretend later that this did not happen, because the World Wide Web remembers everything. Who can guarantee that some ill-wisher will not take a screenshot and save it until better times?
Make sure that all your online words are yours as well as the rest of the , and you won't feel embarrassed if your wife reads them. This is a good way to avoid misunderstandings.
Don't be friends with your ex.
Let's be honest - most people rarely have pure intentions when looking for an ex, so let the past be in the past. Yes, reconnecting with people from your youth is nice and exciting, but if you assume your significant other wouldn't like it, ignoring the request is the better move.
Mikhail Labkovsky, psychologist
Does your husband not communicate with you on the Internet? Because he is not interested in you, he is not satisfied with you, your relationship, he is looking for others. Because husbands who are satisfied with family life are more likely to get carried away with computer games.
This is generally a bad sign - if he is into social media, he is not into his wife. What to do?
You can say once that you don't like it, and if the situation does not change, look for another husband. You do not want? But, if you like a husband whose actions you don’t like, you have an internal conflict and you should consult a psychologist.
Because healthy people love those who love them, and some women do not like their husband, but those sufferings that can be received at the expense of their husband, for example, being jealous, considering themselves a victim. This is not a question of the openness of social networks for each other, it is a question of openness and trust between spouses: either it is, or not.
If someone is hiding something from someone, if the husband has the status of "single" and there are no photos anywhere where he is with his wife, then it is clear that he is not proud of her. Of course, all people have the right to personal territory, and a non-jealous wife will treat this with understanding. If it seems to her that something is wrong, then it is up to her to decide whether to trust her feelings or not. Perhaps the couple from the very beginning agreed on where the personal territory is, and everyone is happy with everything.
And when it no longer suits you, you need to talk about it and act according to the circumstances.
And suspicious and anxious women, despite the agreements, will still get into gadgets and check, so you should think about this and work in this direction.
Everything according to science
Modern research says that...
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...people who use Facebook (a social network recognized as extremist and banned on the territory of the Russian Federation) more than once a day are more at risk of online conflicts.
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...the more a person in a romantic relationship uses the social network, the more likely it is that he will control the content of the partner's page, which means there will be more reasons for jealousy, the author of the study says.
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...according to the American Academy of Marriage Lawyers, 66% of couples cited social media evidence of their partner's infidelity during their divorce.
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.
..the more time husbands spent on social media sites, the worse both they and their wives felt about marriage and the higher the level of conflict. -
...every tenth couple (more precisely, one of the couple) in the UK has a secret page on the social network, closed from the spouse.
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...almost 50% of wives and husbands regularly check the content of a partner's page, and one in seven respondents admitted that they specifically looked for evidence of infidelity there.
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...a third of "Internet-active" couples keep their account passwords strictly secret from their partner.
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...58% of spouses know the details of what is happening in the partner's social networks, although they keep their knowledge a secret from him.
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...and by the way, couples who are not shy about periodically showing their family life online feel happier.
What is emotional cheating and how to distinguish it from friendship
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medicine lyus
I'm sitting in *** - if he OFTEN (not once or twice) enters her name in the search engine - it will be highlighted first.
#11
medicine lyus
I'm sitting in *** - if he FREQUENTLY (not once or twice) enters her name into the search engine - she will be displayed first.
#12
And advice from me personally - a person should have a personal space. Monitoring connections will not lead to anything good.
#13
Jels
Complete nonsense, don't listen. I signed up for *** even before VKontakte appeared. If the page is closed, then it is not in his friends. And people appear in the search by the number of mutual friends, by similar places of residence, by similar data such as the place of study, and so on. It is not at all necessary to look for these people on purpose, or rather, it does not affect at all.
And advice from me personally - a person should have a personal space. Monitoring connections will not lead to anything good.
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