Can you start over in a relationship
How To Start Over In A Relationship And Practice Forgiveness | Melissa Fritchle
As a couples therapist, I work with many couples who want to begin again after a recent betrayal or years of disappointment or distance. Yes, couples can effectively learn how to start over in a relationship, but it takes a commitment to forgive and to develop new patterns and memories together.
This process is certainly not easy. Pain caused by someone close to you is a huge burden. The guilt can eat you up and make it almost impossible to have room to heal.
The good news is that nothing is irreparable. The realistic news is that it takes work. And the bad news is that some couples can't seem to put that work in to get there.
But there are some couples who can. It's really up to you and how badly you want to repair the relationship.
RELATED: These 3 Signs Will Tell You Whether To Stay Or Go After His Affair
Many people probably want to go back to the way things were before there were problems. But you can never do that.
As a couple, you have experienced a lot more and have grown. So, you shouldn't want the same old couple back, but a new couple that's ready to take on the world together.
It's hard to do on your own. Asking for help can be really beneficial, especially if you're having problems communicating altogether. Asking for help is a sign of strength, not weakness, as some people might think.
You're strong enough to accept every bit of help you can get because you want the relationship to work that much. It's the best thing you can do.
So, here's how to start over in a relationship by taking these emotional steps.
1. Identify what you value about the relationship.
When we are hurt, it's tempting to focus on the difficult and less-than-appealing elements of our partners and our relationship. But couples who work through difficult times keep their eyes on the positives, and can clearly say why they want to stay with this person and what they love about them.
This step can also give you clarity. If the only reason you can think of to stay together is that you dread the task of separating, that may not be enough to get you through.
By clarifying what has worked in your relationship, you can build on those things and stay motivated to do the repair work needed.
RELATED: 3 Things You Must Do To Truly Forgive Him For Cheating
2. Get support for the relationship.
If it was easy to just press the reset button and get over the hurt, you would just do that. The truth is, if your friends and family have heard you complain about your partner month after month, they may support you but find it hard to support the relationship.
Also, if you and your partner are trying to be the only support for each other, you may find yourselves in a pattern of constantly having difficult talks about past hurts and how you're feeling.
Therapy is great because it gives you an unbiased, experienced support person, and it allows you and your partner to focus time together outside of therapy on having fun together again, which is critical.
3. Take steps to make sure the behavior that hurt you won't repeat.
This step is not about being naïve. This step is about figuring out what you and your partner need to change to convince you that the patterns that happened before are not going to happen again.
Couples that recover from relationship wounds can point to the things they each did to address the problems and make changes. They have a plan to address future problems before they grow. Folk wisdom tells us that we can't forgive injuries that are still happening to us.
It's hard to start over when you're in the same old patterns. Both people have to be willing to change.
4. Make clear promises to yourself.
One of the fears people have is that if they forgive their partner this time, then maybe they will never stand up for themselves again. The big fear is actually not that their partner will take advantage of this; the big fear is that they can no longer trust themselves to set limits and enforce them.
In this step it is important to allow yourself time to reassess your own limits. So, maybe the things your 20-year-old self thought were unforgivable, are forgivable after all. This does not mean you have lost all right to relationship boundaries.
This is a conversation you need to have with yourself. The step to take is to forgive yourself for being someone who can get hurt and then to trust yourself anyway.
RELATED: 14 Signs It's Safe To Forgive Your Partner For Cheating
5. Rebalance the power.
Couples who create fresh starts for themselves have moved out of the blaming, punishing, reactive dynamics. They recognize that to move forward neither person can be stuck in the role of victim or bad guy.
An ongoing pattern of making amends or being the long-suffering martyr is not sustainable because it feels awful for both people.
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You cannot move forward feeling like one person owes the other.
You cannot move forward with one person being the vulnerable one.
At some point, the past wounds need to be put in the past, not to be forgotten, but to be taken out of active play, meaning that they will not be brought up in every new argument, they will not be thrown in anyone's face, and that you feel you have genuinely worked through them and have resolution.
Then, you move forward as equals again.
6. Make a choice to start again.
Beginning again with a partner means making a clear choice to do so, to let the past rest, to take the risk of trusting again, and to love them more because you appreciate the work you have each put in to stay in relationship and you acknowledge the risk.
Will you ever have the starry-eyed "nothing will ever come between us" love again? No. Will you have the same relationship you had before? No.
But couples who give themselves a chance to restart find ways to value the depth of the relationship they have now.
Ultimately, you unbreak your own heart by choosing to let it heal.
RELATED: How To Fix A Broken Relationship In 7 Steps (Before It's Too Late!)
More for You:
Melissa Fritchle is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with a holistic private practice. She's also an award-winning international sex educator offering workshops and trainings around the world.
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Lovearoundme - Starting Over in a Relationship
"It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages." ‒ Friedrich Nietzsche.
Relationships don't come on a standstill or fall apart because both partners stop loving each other. They fall apart because there is a lack of communication and trust. Of course, there are other factors involved and mistakes on both sides but it doesn't have to be the end. There can be a second chance and you might learn from past mistakes and try to make things right this time.
You can start over when you and your partner agree to give this relationship another chance. Talk to each other and learn how to start over in a relationship whether you are married, in a long-term relationship, or simply dating. This article will help you out in starting over in a relationship.
How to Start Over in Your Relationship
Starting over isn't easy but we've got your back. Here are a few things you can do to understand what went wrong and how to make it better this time.
1. Identify what you value about the relationship
Starting over means that you want to make a fresh start and leave all the negative things behind. The question is- how to start over a relationship. Before you start to make amends, look back on your experiences and identify what you value about the relationship. Was it his adventure-loving nature that attracted you to him or was it your humor that brought you two together? But these things were forgotten when you fell into the trap of the routine and stress from work.
Look back and see what can be the binding factor for this relationship. How can you make time for each other instead of repeating the same mistakes? Reflect deeper and talk to your partner about the good memories and things that make this relationship special.
2. Understand what went wrong
After you have thought about the good parts of your relationship, try to figure out where things went wrong. Think about why the misunderstandings occurred. Either it was because you didn't spend time together or you started arguing more frequently over little things. Whatever the case might be, talking to a marriage counselor will help you and your partner to understand the root cause of the mistakes you both made. It will also help in clearing up a lot of misunderstandings and grudges you held in your heart without fighting.
3. Get support from mutual friends
Involving family members may not be a good idea since they might take sides and it may exacerbate the situation.
Instead, try asking any mutual friends you trust to support you and your partner during this patch up. They can give you moral and emotional support or actively talk to both of you when you need someone to clear the misunderstandings. Make sure that you take help from friends who are close to you and your partner and they don't take sides. Having someone by your side when you are feeling down can make you feel better and help you understand how to start over in a relationship.
4. Acknowledge the changes
When you go through life experiences, you change with time. Maybe you were spontaneous and straightforward when you started dating but your experiences shape your personality. So, your outlook on life and relationships changes with time. Accepting that you and your partner were different the first time around will help you in understanding the nuances of starting over. Take each other's maturity and change in a positive way. Get to know each other once again.
5.
Freshen up your relationship As you are beginning to make a fresh start, freshen up your relationship by making new plans or going somewhere together. Take it as your honeymoon period and try to rekindle the romance that was lost somewhere along the way. It can be simply taking the weekend off to dine out together or going to a picnic. Try to incorporate different activities in your life on a weekly or at least monthly basis. It will help you and your partner to come closer and understand each other in a much better way.
6. Let go of any hard feelings
The most difficult thing to do is to let go of your anger and resentment when you want to start over in a relationship. It will create difficulties for both you and your partner. Let go of all the negative feelings you have. Only then you can succeed in having a good relationship.
7. Respect and kindness
Treating your partner with respect and kindness will help you in building a stronger foundation for this relationship.
Usually, we forget that the person we love deserves our kindness even when things go wrong. So, the next time you have an argument, be the first one to let go of your ego and reach out to make things better. It doesn't mean that you don't have your self-respect. It simply means that being kind to each other will strengthen your relationship and you will not have to struggle like you did the first time.
8. Don't ignore the red flags
While you have taken an important decision to start over in this relationship, don't ignore the red flags when you are trying your best. If you ignore things like lying or making excuses to stay away from you, you need to think over your decision. Is it just you trying to make amends? If your partner has gone back to the same old habits and routine that affected the relationship badly, think about getting out for good.
Focus on Each Other
Many relationships suffer due to a lack of communication and friendship. You may need a break for a while to figure out what you want to do.
If you and your partner decide to get back together, try to let go of hard feelings. Understand what went wrong and learn from those mistakes. Make a fresh start and come closer to each other in different ways. Focus on each other and be friends first. Chances are that you'll have an amazing relationship this time.
Why it's good to start a new relationship after a breakup
- William Park
- BBC Future
Image copyright, Getty Images
Is it better to give heart wounds time to heal or to get into a new relationship as soon as possible after a breakup? And is it good if your new partner reminds you of the previous one?
Breaking up a relationship can be very painful. Not surprisingly, psychological well-being is deteriorating. And your well-meaning friends (hoping to save you from another breakup) advise you not to rush into a new relationship - especially if your new acquaintance (acquaintance) resembles your ex.
In society, for some reason, they are suspicious of the fact that after a breakup or divorce, a person quickly finds a new partner. But this option may be the best for you, and there is evidence for this.
Why is prejudice so tenacious? How should we behave in new relationships? And is there any risk that our new partner reminds us of our former love?
"People who move quickly into new relationships feel more comfortable in their personal lives," says Claudia Brambo, a psychologist at the City University of New York who studies adult attachments. She talks about a study in which she assessed the psychological state of people who had recently experienced a breakup with a partner.
"[If they quickly found a new partner] they felt more confident, felt more wanted and loved. Perhaps because they proved to themselves that they could be. They felt more personal growth and independence," says Claudia Brambo "They were better able to overcome dependence on their ex (ex), they felt more relaxed.
And there was not a single example when a person who was left alone would feel better."
According to Brambo, people believe that you have to wait an average of five months without entering into a new relationship, and that those relationships that you enter immediately after a breakup are temporary, they cannot last long.
However, such opinions are not supported by facts.
Image copyright, Getty Images
In one study, participants who quickly found a new partner after a breakup reported increased self-esteem and better psychological well-being and felt less anxious.
The transition from one partner to another happened quite smoothly and did not disturb the usual way of life.
However, those who quickly found a new heart friend had their own problems in their previous relationships - they felt their insecurity, they felt unprotected.
At first glance, it seems strange that those who were in insecure relationships now have high self-esteem.
But this may be the result of the fact that the feeling of insecurity existed in the old, already completed relationship, and the increase in self-esteem occurred after meeting with a new partner.
Conclusions after a breakup
People who advise waiting before entering into a new relationship, for example, give the following reason: we need time to heal emotional wounds and draw conclusions from the acquired experience.
Image copyright, Getty Images
Image caption,Personal development between relationships can be an illusion
There is a certain logic to this. After a breakup, people talk about about five ways in which they have grown in their eyes - for example, "I feel more confident" or "I am more independent."
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But these experiments rely on participants' self-reports and self-assessment, which could mean it's not really that simple. I can say that I feel more confident now, but is it?
Studies that have examined what survivors of traumatic events report about their personal growth often show that no internal change actually occurs.
We tell ourselves that new experiences have taught us a lot. But often the reason for this is a perceptual distortion phenomenon known as "positive illusions".
"People sometimes tend to exaggerate their estimates in order to feed their self-esteem," says Tai Tashiro, psychologist and writer.
"A breakup can take a toll on your self-esteem. But telling yourself you're more independent now balances things out. And even though you haven't actually become more independent, it's easier for you to come to terms with the fact that you've been abandoned."
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Image caption,Those who quickly find a new partner report increased self-esteem and better mental health
Tashiro's research, which he did while working at the University of Maryland (USA), shows that the speed with which you find a new partner, and the time that has passed since the breakup, do not affect your personal growth in any way.
So you can wait as long as you want without getting into a new relationship, but it won't make you better or more experienced. And even if you think so, it is self-deception.
What affects your personal growth is who or what you blame for the breakup. Do you blame yourself? Or a partner? Or circumstances?
Those who blame everything on circumstances (employment at work or relationships with their partner's relatives) tend to report personal growth later on.
For those who blame themselves, the opposite is true.
Much also depends on the lessons we learn for ourselves.
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Image caption,The ability to ask for forgiveness will help in future relationships
Who enters a new relationship noticeably wiser? Tashiro says that what he remembers most is the man who said, "I learned to say 'I'm sorry'."
"I really liked that because the answer is specific," Tashiro says. - The answer sounded very reliable. I have a very good idea of what led to this. The ability to ask for forgiveness will help this guy in all his future relationships. "
Affection
Each of us has our own style of attachment to loved ones. In general, the degree to which we need emotional support is determined by feelings of security, anxiety, or avoidance of too close relationships.
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Image caption,Your personal growth also depends on who you blame for the breakup
Those who feel securely attached to their partner were most likely raised in a family where parents were consistent in their relationship with the child. They tend to trust those around them and, when they need it, seek emotional support from close friends and family members.
Things get a lot more complicated when we explore relationships that people aren't sure about. Those who have experienced attachment in such relationships in the past tend to move into new relationships faster than those who have been in more normal relationships. But the reason for the haste is different.
Anxiety associated with past attachment exists due to the inability to let go of the situation and the desire to somehow take revenge on your ex (former).
Such people experience more stress - both emotionally and physically - and may go to extreme measures in an attempt to return the old relationship.
The same people who avoid attachment are more self-reliant and may not remember former partners at all as they move through life.
"Worried people are always anxious and jealous, cling to the past, seek attention, but give nothing in return," says Brambo.
relationships, and yet they have partners."
Image copyright Getty Images
Image caption,Having found yourself a new partner who is similar to your old one, you acquire permanence
Your behavior as an adult can be influenced by how you were brought up, what relationships you had in your family. But over time, this changes, and if you did not have a particularly warm atmosphere in your family, you will not necessarily shun such an atmosphere all your life.
An understanding partner can change your attitude towards attachment. However, there is scientific evidence that adherence to a particular style of relationship is inherited, so the degree of influence of a partner here has its limits.
If you see your ex in a new partner
Usually people move from one relationship to another, carrying their attachment style with them, but they do it much more when the new partner resembles the former.
And then they transfer their ideas about the old partner into the new relationship.
"People like consistency," says Brambo. "Finding a new partner who is similar to the old one, you gain consistency. Those who enter into a new relationship faster after a breakup find more similarities between the former and current partners. We cannot say for sure whether this similarity really exists, because people themselves tell us about it. But they see it that way.
Image copyright, Getty Images
Image caption,People transfer their attachment style from one partner to another
People who live together see the world in many ways, their views overlap. Thus they see themselves as parts of each other. They share each other's habits and hobbies, relationships with friends.
And after a breakup, such people can feel very vulnerable. Suddenly they lose part of their identity, someone they shared interests with. Therefore, it becomes much easier for them when they find someone who helps to fill the voids that have formed.
There are pluses and minuses in the fact that people see traits similar to the former in a new partner. "If my ex is Sam, and then I meet Bob, and something about Bob reminds me of Sam, I start to see Bob more like me than I should," Brumbo explains.
"For example, if Sam was a good cook and very romantic, I start to think the same about Bob. And these wrong assumptions can create problems. I want Bob to be as romantic as Sam, and every time it turns out that he's not exactly like that, it destroys my expectations, upsets me - despite the fact that Bob can also be quite a romantic person, just not to the same extent as Sam.
It is clear that the rapid entry into a new relationship cannot be considered an ideal cure for heart wounds. But there is nothing wrong with it, no matter what friends and relatives tell you. Some of its psychological benefits are obvious.
Breakups are often very painful, and how can you blame someone who is in a hurry to return at least a little love into his life?
--
Read the original English version of this article at BBC Future .
6 steps after a breakup that will save you from mistakes in a new relationship
August 17, 2020Relationships
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01. End the previous relationship
If you moved things to another apartment, stamped a divorce in your passport, or officially announced your separation on social networks, this does not mean that the relationship is over. They continue as you revisit the situation over and over again, revisit photos, spy on your ex on the Internet. It will not be possible to quickly forget about the past, it takes a certain period.
When a flower is transplanted into another pot, it first languishes under the new conditions, even though there is more space and better soil. It needs time to get used to and blossom. People are more complex, so you need it too.
Focus on taking care of yourself first and take your time. Move at your own pace. If you do not survive the pain of previous relationships, new ones will only add problems.
Oleg Ivanov
psychologist, conflictologist, head of the Center for Settlement of Social Conflicts
Wait a bit before starting a new relationship after a divorce or separation. Or a lot - it depends on how hard the breakup was for you. In my opinion, if the relationship lasted several years, then it is worth starting to build new ones no earlier than a year after the break.
2. Recover from trauma
Breaking up a relationship is a trauma for both participants in the process. It does not matter who was the initiator, why you broke up, whether there are reasons for joy and relief. It will hurt. Being brave and pretending you don't care is not the best choice. Ignoring the problem, mental wounds cannot be cured.
Nadezhda Efremova
psychotherapist
It is necessary to restore yourself, starting with basic needs. First, adjust sleep and nutrition. As soon as the basic segments return to normal, you can begin to move towards communication with loved ones.
Don't rush to make new friends right away. First you need to feel the ground again under your feet and lick your wounds next to those with whom you can be vulnerable and from whom you can receive love and care. And only after that gradually go out into society and add new hobbies and activities.
3. Work on self-esteem
Breaking up hurts self-esteem. You may doubt your attractiveness, scold yourself for not being able to maintain a relationship, feel guilty. All this makes you vulnerable. You can jump into a new relationship to prove to yourself and your past love that you're still awesome. Or, on the contrary, be afraid that no one will love you anymore, and start dating just anyone.
Andrey Smirnov
psychotherapist
After the end of a relationship, a person is often overcome by the fear of loneliness, the inability to live without someone's support. Such fears are mostly irrational and can be easily overcome when communicating with a psychologist.
First of all, it is necessary to realize that there are no irreplaceable ones and it is absolutely always possible to find a more suitable partner.
It is possible that you will look not for a person, but for a function - someone who will help you forget, survive, become different from your past love. And it’s not a fact that such relationships will help you recover and be productive.
Many people are so unable to endure the pain of a breakup that they almost immediately decide to move into a new relationship. This story is very similar to walking on thin ice. And in fact, there is no resource in it - continuous internal tension. Starting a new relationship from a state where everything hurts and bleeds is like running with a broken leg and pretending like you're fine.
Nadezhda Efremova
When you end a long relationship, it takes time to understand the new rules of the game. You have not flirted seriously for a long time, you have become older. The old templates no longer work.
We'll have to figure out what has changed in the world and how Tinder works.
4. Learn to live alone
In a long-term relationship, one way or another, you get used to your partner, somewhere yielding to him, somewhere giving up your desires and habits. Loneliness is a great opportunity to return to the original version of yourself. Resetting the personality to the basic settings will not work, and it is not necessary: you have matured, gained experience and changed. Now you can afford to decide on your own desires, plans and aspirations without regard to the opinion of your partner.
The halves theory sounds nice. But it is better to come into relationships whole and build them with the same self-sufficient partner.
Before starting a new relationship, take care of your own well-being, career, health. If a person is successful and independent, a line of potential partners is lined up for him. And he slowly chooses with whom he is more comfortable. So after the end of the relationship, it is best to live without a partner for a while and strengthen your own positions.
This does not mean that you need to abandon all meetings. They provide a lot of emotional nourishment, even if they don't lead to a relationship.
Andrey Smirnov
5. Work on the mistakes
There is usually a reason for a breakup, even if you broke up peacefully and without tragedy. In order not to repeat the same mistakes in the following relationships, you need to understand where you turned the wrong way. And it's not about redrawing yourself to the generally accepted standard. On the contrary, you have to understand yourself and accept yourself in order to choose more suitable people.
Alexander Bodrov
counseling psychologist, coach
Ideally, no matter how trite it may sound, you should go to a psychologist or psychotherapist to deal with this together with a specialist. Very often, a break in a relationship follows a repeating scenario. And working together with a psychologist will help you find and understand the internal causes that draw you into this scenario and trigger destructive relationships.
In addition, pay attention to possible mistakes in interaction with a partner. There are things that are easy to learn. But many ignore them, because they simply do not think that it was possible. For example, it is not necessary to demand telepathic abilities from a partner, and then be offended that he could not read thoughts. If you accept that this is impossible, and speak out your desires and feelings, life will become much easier.
To protect yourself from repeating the previous scenario, you need to take the time to work on the mistakes. For example, to realize where the merger took place and which of the partners completely dissolved themselves in the other. Maybe at some point they were too lazy to talk about the conflict, and the gap is just the result of resentment that has not found a way out. After a detailed analysis, you can see the points that need to be adjusted. If this is not done, then you can run into a similar relationship with the grace of a hippopotamus and go on a new circle of the same scenario, just with another person.
Nadezhda Efremova
In general, it is important to remember that all people are different and the ways of interacting with a new partner will be different.
The usual tricks and habits will not work with a new person. You do not need to communicate with him in the same way as you are used to talking with your ex-husband or wife. You should not idealize a new partner, try to see a real person with all his advantages and disadvantages.
Oleg Ivanov
6. Don't focus on relationships
Do not make the search for a new love an end in itself. Even if you've done a lot of work on yourself, pursuing a relationship for the sake of a relationship is a weird thing to do.
At first, I generally recommend not to go in cycles in the search for a serious relationship. It is much more important to believe in yourself again, to feel desired, to increase self-esteem. It is important to gain new experience, to remember forgotten communication skills with the opposite sex.
