Can cheaters really change

Has Your Cheater REALLY Changed? 8 Ways to Know for Sure | by LaDawn Black

Photo by Justin Follis on Unsplash

Your partner broke your trust, but swears to be faithful if you’ll give it one more try. But how can you be certain? These signs will tell you if your honey’s really trying to ditch those cheating ways.

Your lover stepped outside of your relationship and you’re debating on whether or not this person can come back into your heart. You meet someone new who has a huge reputation as a player. Would you give this person a chance?

For many of us, cheating is the one thing that can stop love dead in its tracks. Can cheaters really change? The answer is — yes!

Here are eight clues your cheater may have changed his or her stripes:

1. Full disclosure about the cheating.

He or she is willing to tell you every detail that you want to know about the cheating. This person doesn’t lie, run or hide from your questions about anything, including the painful stuff. If you want to see the cheater’s phone, be given passwords to his/her social media and email accounts, or pop in unexpectedly on the job for a visit, this person is OK with it. In fact, the cheater knows that having done wrong in the past actually means that these mini-interrogations are necessary for getting back to your “happy place” again. People who are committed to change are not afraid to tell you or give you access to all, because in their minds, this is the price of having been wrong in the past and trying to build trust again.

2. Commitment to changing his/her behavior.

As a couple, you’ve agreed to work on the relationship and are committed to righting this sinking ship together. You see your lover behaving in different ways in order to regain your trust and prove that he or she really is in it for the long haul. If there’s a clear plan on how things can be different for the two of you down the road and you’re both doing the necessary work to make that happen, then there’s a chance that your cheater has genuinely turned over a new leaf.

3. Admission that you are The One.

People change when they’re ready, not because you ask them to. And while you can’t make anyone change their cheating ways, if someone wants to be with you and believes the relationship is worth saving, change is indeed possible. Mostly you see this with an ex who was horrible to you when you were together, but appears to be great to the next person he or she gets involved with. It didn’t matter how hurt you were then, how much you talked about it or how much couples’ therapy you went through together — if he or she didn’t want to change for you, it just wasn’t happening. I know we get tired of hearing it, but it’s one of life’s truths: people change for those they deem worthy.

4. Patience with the process.

Your lover is not upset or thrown off that it’s taking you some time to trust again, because he or she understands the reason why. Your partner takes full responsibility for breaking your trust and is willing to be patient while you get back to a loving place. This person must deal with the fact that all of your disagreements go back to the cheating (along with the moments of attitude, panic and uncertainty that arise) without complaint. It took time to for your relationship to fall apart, and anyone who wants to patch things up with you also knows that it’s going to take some time to fix it.

5. He/she knows the reasons why it happened.

Your lover doesn’t blame you for his or her actions. Instead, your partner understands why he or she strayed and even knows what triggers to watch out for. It is no longer about being unhappy with you or wanting more, but about making a bad decision and not valuing what the two of you had together. The cheating is no longer about what was lacking in your relationship, but more about what made your partner risk it all in the first place. There is a maturity about having made such a mistake and knowing how best to avoid repeating it in the future.

6. Your relationship has a new outlook.

As a couple, you both know that you will never again be what you were prior to when the cheating occurred. But you now see that there’s a new relationship forming — and while it may not have the innocence of first love, some couples find that after “fixing” their issues, they relate to each other more honestly and view their partners as people rather than some idealized concept that they could never live up to in a relationship.

7. Honestly sharing about things you never knew before.

Honesty sometimes spreads itself around once you’ve begun openly talking about the ultimate betrayal. You may find that your lover will now tell you more about the nature of his or her prior relationships, treat you as a confidant when it comes to friends’ love issues, or give you more insight on what he or she was feeling or thinking at the time the cheating occurred. You may even discover surprising interests and passions that your partner shared with the person he or she cheated with — and not with you.

8. Changes in your partner’s environment.

Slowly, you may notice that your lover has stopped seeing certain friends, no longer engages in the same activities, or may even change major aspects of his or her life, such as where your partner lives, works or worships. This means there’s a housecleaning going on that will allow this person to be a better partner for you in the future. Any of these small changes could have been major contributors to the cheating, and without making a grand announcement that he or she is doing so, your partner may be making changes in these particular areas to make things work better with you in the relationship.

Can a Cheater Change? Yes!

In This Article

The question on everyone’s lips once they encountered a serial cheater is – can a cheater change? And the short answer is – yes. But will they?

Now, that’s a whole different story. And should you get (or stay) involved with such a person? Can a cheater really change, or will they just suppress this urge?

All of these questions and more will be answered in this article.

Why people cheat?

There isn’t a short answer to this question. Evolutionary psychologists would say that cheating comes with our genes, it’s just the way our species is.

Some would say that monogamy was actually established as a social norm to preserve the person’s assets. There are many philosophical, sociological, and philosophical explanations out there.

An analysis of why people cheat in a romantic relationship was conducted through a survey of 562 adults who have been unfaithful in their relationships. The research identified the following 8 reasons why people cheat:

Anger
Sexual desire
Lack of love
Neglect
Low commitment
Situation
Esteem
Variety

Even though we have been able to understand many of the reasons for why people cheat, cheating is still widely condemned.

Why? Because it shakes the core of something that is considered a sacred institution, for one reason or another. So, why do people still keep doing it? And does a cheater ever stop cheating?

There will probably always be affairs for as long as there’s an institution of a relationship and a marriage.

And, for some cheaters, even, romantic affairs may become ancient history. Let’s explore some of the common questions associated with the great one: “Can a cheater change?”

Can people change after cheating because they feel remorse?

So, your partner cheated on you? And you decided that you’re going to stay with them and give your relationship a try? Are you working through getting over the affair?

That’s wonderful! But, are you secretly (or openly) hoping that they have changed because of the sheer remorse they feel?

This may not be the best idea to hold on to. Can cheaters stop cheating? Yes, and they often do so precisely because of the remorse they feel.

However, this is an unhealthy basis for your future relationship. It’s like when a child stops climbing on trees because you got angry at them.

After enough time has passed and when you’re not looking, they’ll start checking out the tree again.

Also watch:

Do cheaters ever change

So, can a cheater change? Let’s explore a few widespread hopes people have when they’re dealing with cheaters.

Can a cheater change if they meet their soulmate?

A cheater will respond – my soulmate won’t ask me to change. Not the ideal response, we know. However, there’s some logic to it.

A cheater might have been cheating because they simply enjoy having many partners for different reasons. So, it’s debatable whether their perfect partner will ever want them to deny themselves the pleasure.

Can a cheater change if they get married?

Can a cheating man change and be faithful? Not one bride had had this question at the back of her mind when she was walking down the aisle. And the answer is – yes, they can.

Although they don’t necessarily have to. Manny men consider marriage “something else.” So, if he wasn’t faithful before, he might very well be a changed man once he ties the knot.

Can a cheater change because they’ve matured?

Do cheaters ever stop cheating on their own? Yes, sometimes, and it’s because their values have changed.

People grow and develop. In some instances, cheating was just a temporary phase of one’s youth. So, can a cheater stop cheating? Yes, if they develop into people who believe in being faithful.

Should you get involved with a cheater

If you’re wondering: “Can a cheater change?” chances are, you’re considering whether to get involved with them. There’s no right or wrong answer to it.

Everyone deserves a chance, and anyone could change. Whether they will, that’s another question.

In any case, you should start your relationship with honesty. Talk openly about the previous affairs. Also, ask the question you might dread – can a cheater be faithful? Will they?

The best approach is to let your new partner that any response is all right with you – as long as they’re honest. Then, decide if that’s all right with you.

Should you stay in a relationship with a cheater?

Another group of people wondering: “Can cheaters change?” are usually those who were cheated on. Getting over an affair is one of the toughest things one can do.

The best way to overcome it is if you work together. You can make your relationship sounder than ever before if you find ways to incorporate the experience into the foundations of your marriage.

So, do you still wonder, can a cheater ever change? Probably yes. But it’s because there’s no definite answer.

No one can tell you if they will. It’s up to you to decide how you’ll approach it, how you’ll cope with infidelity if it happens, and how you’ll grow as a person and as a couple, regardless of how the events unfold.

References

https://umdrightnow.umd.edu/news/why-do-people-cheat-umd-research-identifies-8-motivating-factorshttps://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/pdf/10.1348/000712605X47936

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11 stories about the mistakes and blunders of telephone scammers

Sasha Zolotova

learned to answer the phone

Author profile

A call from the police, the FSB or the Central Bank can scare - this is what scammers use.

Readers of Tinkoff Magazine told how they realized that they were being called by crooks: for example, they sometimes confused their titles and could not say their work address. We publish a selection of the most ridiculous punctures that phone scammers came across.

These are the stories of readers from the S-Z Community. Collected into one material, carefully edited and formatted according to editorial standards.

Story No. 1

When the scammer failed to provide all the details

Inna

scared, but not at a loss

Author profile

A man called me: “Hello,” he said my full name. - I am an investigator - full name - of the Main Directorate of the Ministry of Internal Affairs of Russia. I'm calling about a possible leak of personal data. In the Moscow branch of Alfa-Bank, a woman with a notarized power of attorney on your behalf tried to withdraw money.” He asked if I had contacted the Alfa-Bank branch for a long time and talked with employees. Messed it up for five minutes.

At first I was embarrassed that trackers can really call like this. Then I really got scared, because the day before I deposited a certain amount into the account in this bank for early repayment. She has not yet been written off on schedule. But the interlocutor could not dictate to me the data of the allegedly issued power of attorney.

And then he asked: “Do you think that an employee of Alfa-Bank could transfer your personal data to someone?” And he was offended when, to the question: “How, in your opinion, they could get to strangers?” - I answered: "The same as to you. " I was already aiming for a long conversation, but he did not call back.

/power-of-attorney/

Everything about power of attorney

Story No. 2

When the interlocutor was offended by the offer to drive to the registration address

Cheerful hedgehog

not afraid of threats

Author's profile

They regularly call once a week. The last time I talked to them. They told me everything about the fraud attempt, data compromise. They said that the captain of the Ministry of Internal Affairs was talking to me and the conversation was being recorded. They said that a criminal case had been opened against a person who allegedly tried to deceive a bank on my behalf. Well, everything is as always.

Last time I talked to them for half an hour. While washing the dishes, there was nothing to do anyway. As soon as he got it, he sent another “FSB colonel”. They are so funny, they even threatened to call an outfit and said that they would “talk to me differently”. To which I replied: "Well, you have a registration address, let's drive up, cockerel." They got offended and hung up again.

Advice to everyone and everyone. As soon as scammers call, immediately after the call, write through the bank applications in the chat: the number from which the call was made, the approximate composition of the conversation, the date and time of the call. The security service will be very grateful to you for such information. For about a year now I have been writing to all the banks that were mentioned by the crooks during the conversation.

What to do? 07/05/19

How to punish phone scammers

Story No. 3

When a scammer gave out a phone number

Elena

checks the words of interlocutors

Author profile

A guy called, introduced himself as an employee of the Ministry of Internal Affairs Mikhail Romanovich. He said that in Sberbank, on my behalf, a person whose last name is not familiar to me submitted a notarized power of attorney to withdraw all the money from my account for an allegedly expensive operation. And it seems like I should have received a summons to come to the police in a criminal case against that citizen.

"Mikhail Romanovich" spoke a lot and convincingly. Almost. I checked his number in Yandex - it was identified as a phone number of scammers. Told the interlocutor about it. He assured that this was a mistake and gave a different number and address of the Main Investigation Department of the Ministry of Internal Affairs in Moscow. Using the caller ID in the Yandex application, I found out that this is the phone number of the company "District Police Station No. 3". Moreover, there is no direct link to the website of the Ministry of Internal Affairs or the site. And not the data that was reported by "Mikhail Romanovich", a swindler, were indicated - now I'm sure of it. It is a pity that they managed to somehow bypass the Yandex system. And, most likely, there will be people who will believe these crooks. I felt very strong pressure during the conversation. Their speech is carefully thought out and rehearsed. Please be vigilant!

Story No. 4

When the swindler got confused in ranks

Mark A.

asks questions

Author profile

Called a few days ago. The young man introduced himself as an employee of the central department of the Ministry of Internal Affairs. I asked him to tell me his rank, to which, after a few moments of reflection, my interlocutor said that he was a lieutenant. I asked to continue which lieutenant. He didn’t understand the question asked and asked with a bang why I needed this information. After my answer that, obviously, he is a scammer, he hung up.

Story No. 5

When crooks pretended to be a "safety account"

Selena St

wrote a statement to the police

Author's profile

I got a call first from the Mytishchi police, then from the investigative committee and the Central Bank. At the same time, I checked the police and UK numbers on the Internet during calls, found them on official websites. I fell for it only because I didn’t know that the number could be changed. I thought that since the number is official, it definitely cannot be scammers.

But when I withdrew money, my card was not blocked. It’s just that as soon as I heard that I needed to transfer money to a “insurance account”, I sent it and went home. They started calling me from the "investigative committee", threatening me with a criminal case, yelling. They said that I took marked bills from the ATM and they know their numbers. And that if I try to pay with them, then they will take me.

Total out of expenses - 500 R for a taxi, expenses due to conversion from currency to ruble and then again buying currency. Another 100 R to go to the police in the nearest city. There they immediately told me that I could, of course, write a statement, but they would not do this, and it was impossible to track it by numbers. Lies, probably. But I left the application anyway.

Under the Squint: Verte Telecom's 50K Secret SIM Card

Story No. 6

When a fraudster was detected by a special application

Alex Podgaets

does not start a conversation first

Author profile

I have Kaspersky Who Calls installed - he told me that a scammer was calling. I always pick up the phone - you never know, suddenly a false alarm. As a defense, I never start a conversation first unless I know who is calling. Robots listen to silence and hang up the phone themselves. And I sift out the rest myself.

The interlocutor said that he was the captain of the police of one of the Moscow departments - he did not remember something about the cassation. Moreover, he swayed for a long time, introduced himself not immediately, but after several exchanges of remarks. The police, on the other hand, are usually introduced as the first sentence.

Then he said that he had sent me a summons and asked if I had received it - I live in Perm, and he calls from Moscow. To this I replied: "The antivirus says that you are a scammer. " He lost his temper and began to threaten me. This is what the police never do. It became unpleasant to listen to, and I hung up.

5 reliable antiviruses that will protect Wi-Fi and delete an email from a scammer

Story No. 7

When the swindler was upset because there was no money on the card

Alexey Petrov

disappoints scammers

Author profile

They call me once a month, but without imagination. Allegedly, Sberbank security officers reported: “We have recorded a transfer for an amount from a Sberbank card in Muhosransk. Do you confirm this operation?" I answer in a standard and honest way that I have no money on Sberbank cards. And they turn off sadly, never knowing that there is money in savings and brokerage accounts.

Once a very formidable man from among the "investigators" called. True, he didn’t start the conversation from that: “Do you know a person such and such ?!” - and said the name. I lazily answered no, and he silently switched off.

With another "employee" I spoke with the words "uh-huh" and "nope." He, upset, said that for the first time he saw such a frivolous attitude towards his money, and also hung up.

Interestingly, "my" scammers are only interested in Sberbank cards. But I don’t save money on them, so as not to even accidentally start fussing in response to their approaches. Ask a simple question: "What other banks do you have money in?" - it doesn't occur to them.

Divorce: duet of calls from the police and the bank

Story No. 8

When the scammer did not appreciate the desire to call back

Igor Usachev

asks for phone number

Author profile

We recently called using the scheme described in Tinkoff Magazine. To my question: "What number can I call back?" - the captain of the Ministry of Internal Affairs could not answer and did not give his landline phone number. He explained the reason as follows: if he gives everyone his number, the authorities will not be able to get through to him. When I said that I would call him back myself through the attendant, he hung up sadly.

Story No. 9

When the caller refused to buy a brick

Sergey Popov

seizes the initiative

Author's profile

A police major called. I told him that I have a sand-lime brick, 20 thousand pieces, and I am ready to sell it at a low price. To all his arguments and persuasions, he said: “Don't worry, major. Brick is a valuable product, buy it, sell it cheap. To hell with them, with thieves." For each of his remarks, he offered to buy a brick. Eventually he passed out. Next time they will call - I will offer to buy a box of condoms.

Story No. 10

When crooks made a mistake by sending fake documents

Anna

almost got caught

Author's profile

Actors tried to swindle me - "senior investigator of the Ministry of Internal Affairs from Petrovka, 38" and "employee of the Central Bank". Their story was as follows: allegedly a certain citizen tried to take a large amount in Sberbank by proxy with my signature and my data. Allegedly, I am in a serious condition and I need money for treatment.

They gave all my details: full name, residence permit, date of birth — and asked them to confirm. I confirmed. The investigator also reminded about non-disclosure, saying that it is punishable. He found out where I could show my passport details. Perhaps they were looking for other places where you can find suckers. The investigator's number, however, was identified as a GBOU school. This initially confused me, but they managed to gain confidence in me. I dropped the call, and the number that called again was already different - it was recorded on the Internet as a scammer. But this did not stop me either, and I continued the conversation, as I was in a panic.

Then I was transferred to an employee of the Central Bank. She also called my data in a circle, repeated about non-disclosure, asked how much money I have on my cards, which banks I serve, where there are loans and for what amounts. I answered all questions. She then said that the bank employees were most likely involved as well. She even advised me to go to the bank, but not to disclose the information so that the criminal would not "jump off". She spoke about some "instruction" that I need to follow to the bank, explained how to act. And I began to find out when in the near future I would be able to come to my bank branch. I said that not before the end of the working day. Then we agreed with her at 18:00 - that at that time she would call me and instruct me.

Then I received two messages on WhatsApp - real templates from the bank, with a seal. But only these documents turned out to be fake. Having stopped panicking, I carefully read the text from these documents, and there was absolutely no specifics. There was only a prescribed amount of 200,000 R, account number, my full name and a lot of water. It was not said who was trying to take the money - in short, for a sucker. But in a panic, you can believe anything! Then I realized that it was all a scam. Nobody else called me.

/list/allo-eto-sb/

They called from the security service of the bank: how to notice a catch in time

I called the bank myself, told the whole story, gave the numbers from which they wrote and called me. Be carefull! Fraudsters are everywhere.

Story No. 11

When the fraudster “floated” after the question: “Where to drive?”

Lyudmila Bykova

laughing at crooks

Author profile

There was a call allegedly from the police, from “Lieutenant Anashkin”. He said that a certain citizen somewhere in a bank on Tverskaya was trying to take possession of my millions, but for some reason he was embarrassed - apparently very modest - grabbed my documents from the desktop of a bank employee and ran away, "behaving provocatively", - interestingly, how exactly.

Several times the pseudo-Anashkin warned that the conversation was being recorded in order to be attached to my materials - then I laughed out loud! - criminal case. He did not succeed in the task of scaring me. "Floated" after the question: "Where to drive to figure it out personally?"

To his question: “Did scammers call me under the guise of the police?” - he received the answer: "One of these is calling right now." For some reason, he was upset, angry, threatened with a summons, but hung up. At least I laughed at that. I sent the number to the bank, in the "Report Fraud" section.

Course: how to protect yourself from scammers

Have you encountered similar situations? Tell your story and be the subject of the next article

Tell

"Between sleep and reality." How fraudsters influence the minds of Russians

“Opened the door. I don’t remember anything else”

About 15 years ago, in a small town near Moscow, ten-year-old Anna Gavrilina (name and surname changed at the request of the interlocutor) was left alone at home. Parents were at work, grandmother went to the store. They called the apartment. Anya decided that her grandmother had returned, and opened it. Unknown people stood on the threshold, introduced themselves as some merchants and representatives of the company. What happened next - the girl does not remember even years later.

“Grandma found me - I just sat there and cried. I did not understand what was happening around, for a long time I did not react in any way to her words and attempts to find out what had happened. I was just really scared, but I didn't even know why. Grandmother called her father, ”recalls Anna.

When the father arrived, they managed to stir up the girl, and soon it became clear that all the money and precious things had disappeared from the apartment. Anna did not even know how much time had passed from the moment the uninvited guests arrived until the return of her relatives.

Until now, she and the entire Gavrilin family are sure that the child was put into hypnosis.

According to psychologist Yana Valova, this really could happen. Using hypnosis, a scammer can influence the mind of a person, especially with a fragile psyche. In the case of a ten-year-old girl, hypnosis might not have been necessary at all.

“If a child is vulnerable, with a creative nature, then he can be suggestible without hypnosis. Therefore, when strangers invaded, the girl most likely experienced severe stress, which could close her memory. And she really forgot what happened after the door opened, ”the psychologist explained.

How attackers affect the minds of victims

When people who have been scammed complain that they were hypnotized and they don’t remember anything at all, this does not mean that they are lying, psychologist Tatyana Vorgul confirmed.

“Those involved in 'divorce' have a whole arsenal of tools. Brigades of "specialists" of a sufficiently high professional level masterfully master the methods of oppression of consciousness - hypnosis. Most often, they use such a practice as NLP, ”explained Vorgul.

Neuro-Linguistic Programming is a branch of practical psychology that studies communication problems and is usually used for self-development, personnel management, increasing sales and mastering the art of manipulation, the psychologist said. And despite the fact that the scientific world criticizes NLP, this practice is still used by recognized masters of psychology and scammers.

Knowing the principles of NLP, one can learn manipulative techniques very simply, Tatyana Vorgul believes. And there are a lot of these techniques.

“One of the techniques is often used even in communication. It's about the principle of three "yes". A person is asked questions that are supposed to be answered in the affirmative. After three “yes” said, the fourth will be received by the questioner on the machine,” she said.

According to psychologist Marina Gladysheva, hypnotic influence is possible only in case of personal contact with the victim. And here there are two options: either a person is affected, or not. The impact itself occurs by establishing a trusting contact, so that a person opens up, believes. Often this takes some time - establishing contact with the victim can take more than one day.

It is possible to recognize scammers who use the influence on consciousness by certain signs, psychologist Valovaya noted. Usually they stare long and hard into the eyes, they can display emotions, make suspicious gestures with their hands, touch you, violating your boundaries.

“In order to warn yourself against the influence of hypnosis, it is worth remembering some signs of influence.

A person under hypnosis is between sleep and reality. He is in a state of drowsiness, fatigue and unreality of what is happening. At the first stages, this impact can be stopped by stopping communicating with a suspicious person, moving away from him, switching to communicating with someone else, ”advised Valovaya.

You should always pay attention to the speed of speech of those with whom you communicate, Tatyana Vorgul recommended. As a rule, scammers use a well-established text “without blots”, which a person pronounces quickly enough. Such an effect is necessary so that the “victim of fraud” does not have time to come to his senses and come to his senses. In addition, you need to follow the phrases that a person says: usually scammers use repetitive wording.

Frequent reference by name can also be a common factor of influence (impact). The name is exactly what a person hears most often in his life, therefore associations arise in the subconscious mind that “provoke” the formation of quick trust, the psychologist pointed out.

“The hypnosis technique itself involves adjusting to the victim: movements, postures, facial expressions, breathing rhythm. In a person, this inspires confidence at an unconscious level, and then he becomes more susceptible to the influence of words and intentions. It is very difficult to reproduce this method with a stranger. Moreover, this is possible only if the person is “predisposed” to the influence of hypnosis in principle,” said Marina Gladysheva.

Type of the victim

According to Valovaya, if we talk about an adult, then the scammer chooses his "target" according to the types.

Those who can be influenced by hypnosis usually have quite a characteristic feature - this is the so-called "victim" type. Such people are fragile, vulnerable, puzzled by problems, and they are easy to identify.

“We are talking about psychological sacrifices. Their characteristic habit is to complain about life, the environment, and anything. They feel that everyone around is to blame, they are infringed, used. It is this scenario of behavior that attracts events and personalities that, like a hook, catch human victims,” the expert said.

Such people see the whole world through the prism of "victim". For such people, for the most part, it is almost impossible to admit that they were "led" to deceit without hypnosis and other influences. That is why, the psychologist said, in order to warn yourself against the effects of hypnosis, you should ask yourself an honest question about whether you are a “victim” and strengthen an adult position in yourself, where you take responsibility for yourself and your life.

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