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Why do men gaslight


What Is It And Why Do People Do It?

People who gaslight play dangerous mind games to gain control over others. Understanding what triggers your gaslighter can be one of the first steps in stopping the gaslighting and taking control of your own life.

Susan McQuillan, MS, RDN

Medical ReviewerJean Kim, MD

(Photo: Unsplash, Michael Browning)

Gaslighting is a form of emotional and psychological abuse wherein a person uses verbal and behavioral tricks to convince another person they are losing their mind or—at the very least—cannot trust their own judgment. Why? To gain control.

“Gaslighters are master manipulators,” says Tampa-based psychotherapist Stephanie Sarkis, PhD, LMHC, author of Gaslighting: Recognize Manipulative and Emotionally Abusive People—and Break Free. “They lie or withhold information, pit people against each other, and always place blame elsewhere, all the while gaining control over those they are gaslighting. ”

According to the American Psychological Association, the term "once referred to manipulation so extreme as to induce mental illness or to justify commitment of the gaslighted person to a psychiatric institution but is now used more generally."

The term gaslight comes from the play Gas Light, by Patrick Hamilton. The play tells the story of a cunning man who attempts to convince his devoted wife she is going insane. He hides and moves various articles in their home and, when she notices, tells her she either lost the items or moved them herself but can’t remember. The husband’s goal is to secretly increase his own fortune by stealing his wife’s inheritances. When she sees the gas lights in her room fading and is led to believe it’s not really happening, she starts to question her own sanity. ¹

Gaslighters need control and power. In a relationship, they need to be in charge, and they need to be right about everything, routinely imposing their judgments on you. A gaslighter’s tactics—constantly criticizing, blaming, making verbally abusive statements, intimidation, denial of responsibility, minimizing abusive behavior, and proclaiming dissatisfaction with a relationship—may be subtle at first.

You may not sense something is deeply wrong until you find yourself existing in a never-ending state of confusion and self-doubt. Gaslighters are blamers, using lines like, “You made me do it” or “I did it because you wouldn’t listen to me.” They may accuse you of having issues or needs that they actually have, such as suggesting you’re not being honest with yourself. They may find ways to take credit for your accomplishments. When a gaslighter gives a compliment or apology, it is often backhanded: “You look almost as good as you did when I first met you” or “_I’m sorry you feel that wa_y.”

Gaslighting is used to manipulate people because of their race, gender identity, age, mental instability, or physical or emotional vulnerability. ²˒³ It is the same behavior, whether it is used during the torture of political prisoners or to gain control in an intimate relationship, in which case gaslighting has been referred to as a form of “romantic terrorism.” ⁴˒⁵

When a parent tries to turn their child against the other parent or consistently treats one child as a scapegoat, that’s gaslighting. World leaders have been accused of gaslighting their citizens, telling them something is or isn’t true when all evidence clearly points to the opposite. You may have a gaslighter in your family, friend group, or workplace. (That’s the one who convinces the boss that a coworker should be fired from their job.)

The goal is always to weaken resistance, break spirits, appear blameless, and create chaos and confusion in the mind of the "gaslight-tee." Gaslighting isn’t an isolated or occasional event. It’s an insidious and persistent pattern of behavior that keeps you questioning yourself and those around you while slowly eroding your self-esteem and even your identity.

“There are two main reasons why a gaslighter behaves as they do,” Sarkis explains. “It is either a planned effort to gain control and power over another person, or it because someone was raised by a parent or parents who were gaslighters, and they learned these behaviors as a survival mechanism.”

Children learn from a gaslighting parent that they are the golden child who can do no wrong or the scapegoat who is blamed for doing everything wrong, Sarkis adds. That teaches the child a false belief that people operate in absolutes, that people are either all good or all bad, without any gray areas, and so they start to behave towards others as if this is true.

Reasons for Gaslighting

It bears repeating that gaslighting is an unhealthy form of control arising from a need to dominate others.

Certain mental health conditions such as narcissistic personality disorder and antisocial personality disorder lend themselves to gaslighting as those illnesses give people a distorted view of themselves and others and a propensity toward manipulating others for their own ends by any means necessary, as well as never acknowledging their own culpability or faults and projecting that onto others.

Persistent gaslighting can be catastrophic for the mental health of the person on the receiving end causing him/her to believe they deserve the abuse. The impact can last long after the gaslighter is out of the victim's life and very often leads to a lifetime of self-doubt and difficulty making decisions.

An example: Gaslighters can often find people who support them under any and all circumstances, and will use those people against you with comments like “I’m not the only one who thinks you’re wrong,” or “Even so-and-so thinks you’re [insert negative trait, such as “a bad parent” or “unreliable”].” These may be lies or exaggerations, but they serve the gaslighter’s purpose: If you start to believe everyone you know is against you, you won’t trust any of them, and you won’t go to any of them for help. That keeps you isolated from family or friends and gives the gaslighter more control over you.

Gaslighting and Mental Health

Gaslighting causes chronic stress and severe emotional distress. The constant barrage of verbal (and sometimes physical) assaults eventually wears away your sense of identity, self-worth, and self-confidence while also eating away at your sanity. You may be more vulnerable to gaslighting if you suffer from any mental health issues that weaken your resistance, such as a history of abuse or trauma, low self-esteem or depression, for example.

Answers provided by Robin Stern, PhD, co-founder and associate director for the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence and the author of “The Gaslight Effect: How to Spot and Survive the Hidden Manipulation Others Use to Control Your Life and Michelle Riba, MD, MS clinical professor of psychiatry at the University of Michigan.

Can gaslighting cause mental illness?

Gaslighting can lead to increased anxiety and depression, says Stern. “Gaslighting may not be the only factor leading to mental illness but the same factors that leave a person vulnerable to gaslighting may result in lower self-esteem, uncertainty about their own reality, anxiety, and ultimately depression,” she says. “Over time, you begin to believe that there is something wrong with you because one of the most important people in your life is telling you this.” Dr. Riba adds that gaslighting can escalate and become chronic. "It can affect a person's functioning in terms of work, school, and socialization," Dr. Riba explains.

What causes a person to gaslight?

People are not born gaslighters. Rather, it is socially learned, Stern says. You may witness gaslighting, be a target of gaslighting, or happen into it, she explains. For some, it then becomes an automatic response to feeling off-balance in an argument, and a way to deflect responsibility, and gain control.

A gaslighter is determined to exert control over someone, Stern says. They engage in and want to win a power struggle, and in gaslighting relationships, the gaslighter seems to have unlimited stamina to undermine the gaslight-tee. They realize that gaslighting is a powerful way to destabilize their partner, Stern explains.

What is an example of gaslighting?

Here is a typical scenario of how gaslighting occurs, Stern explains. A couple may be at odds as soon as they leave the house and walk down the street because the woman likes to say hello and stop and chat with acquaintances, while the man does not. He prefers to ignore those around him and becomes upset when she occasionally engages with others. Then he gets angry and accuses her of looking ridiculous in public because she is ignoring him.

She defends herself, saying she is friendly and wants to greet the people she knows. But he grows angrier and accuses her of both ignoring him and looking like a fool. He repeatedly tells her that she thinks that other people want to engage with her but that really they probably think she has serious problems because she is ignoring the person she is walking with preferring to engage with them instead. At first, she thinks he is just being difficult, but over time, she begins to think: is he right? Do I have mental problems?

In that way, she grows confused and unsure of herself.

How can you be smarter than a gaslighter?

“Standing in your own reality is the surest way to stop and prevent gaslighting,” Stern says. “This is not easy to do and requires the support of others and practice over time.” Practice paying attention to what you think and feel. Notice when the conversation veers away from a back-and-forth discussion to a “blaming you” session. In some situations, you could even be in danger if gaslighting escalates in terms of physical abuse, Riba adds. “If you are feeling emotionally manipulated and threatened, seek help from trusted friends and family, and consider professional treatment from a mental health professional,” she advises.
It is important to examine your relationship with the gaslighter. If you feel like your gaslighter is in power all the time, you may want to consider whether or not you really want to stay or leave the relationship. “If you stay, you need to ask if you can be strong enough to stand in your reality,” Stern says.

How do I talk to a gaslighter?

Talking to a gaslighter means paying close attention to where the conversation pivots. Stern says. If a power struggle ensues, tell the gaslighter that since the two of you are just going back and forth in the same conversation, that you want to stop the conversation. Explain that you can talk more when the conversation is not so heated. Or just say that you are not willing to discuss a particular subject any longer, and that the two of you are just going to have to agree to disagree on this one, Stern advises.

What are gaslighting tactics?

“The person with the power—the gaslighter—will wear you down over time with his insistence and certainty about his reality,” Stern explains. Gradually, the effect of this gaslighting is to undermine your sense of yourself and destroy your ability to trust your perception of yourself and the world around you.

“When you are the gaslight-tee, it is as if you are listening to an old-fashioned radio and you can only turn the dial to one station,” Stern adds. “You begin to believe the gaslighter. You can’t turn the knob on the radio to any other station.” But, she says, when you recognize the gaslighting and get the support you need, you can take steps to stop the gaslighting. “You can begin to listen to those other channels, including your own.”

If you suspect you are being gaslighted, here’s some advice:

  • Pay attention to what the person does, not what they say. Gaslighters say one thing, but their actions say another.

  • Don’t listen to someone who constantly tells you “you’re crazy” or makes similar comments that make you routinely question yourself.

  • Don’t believe anyone who tells you that others, especially your family and/or friends, agree with them and not you. Gaslighters will often use those closest to you as ammunition.

  • Remember that it’s not you; the gaslighter is 100% responsible for their behavior.

  • Present incontrovertible evidence and be direct with the gaslighter when they try to deny or evade the truth, as long as you are in a position of safety when doing so.

“Gaslighters do not respect boundaries, and they tend to lash out when you try to enforce them,” Sarkis warns. “Staying in a relationship where there is emotional abuse like gaslighting makes it more likely you will also be the victim of life-threatening or deadly physical abuse, and that’s one big reason why it’s so important to establish distance.”

NOTE: If you are concerned for your safety, contact your local domestic violence shelter or call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7333.

  1. Thomas L. Gaslight and gaslighting. The Lancet Psychiatry. February 1, 2018; 5(2): 117-118. Available at: https://www.thelancet.com/journals/lanpsy/article/PIIS2215-0366(18)30024-5/fulltext. Accessed June 17, 2019.
  2. Davis AM, Ernst R. Racial gaslighting. Politics, Groups, and Identities. Available at: https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/21565503.2017.1403934. Accessed June 17, 2019.
  3. Wozolek B. Gaslighting queerness: schooling as a place of violent assemblages. Journal of LGBT Youth. 2018; 115 (4). Available at: https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/19361653.2018.1484839. Accessed June 17, 2019.
  4. Gaslighting betrayal and the boogeyman: Personal reflections on the American Psychological Association, PENS and the involvement of psychologist in torture. International Journal of Applied Psychoanalytic Studies. June 2017; 14 (2): 125-1332. Available at: https://www.onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/abs/10.1002/aps.1520. Accessed June 17, 2019.
  5. Hayes S, Jeffries S. Romantic Terrorism: An Auto-Ethnography of Domestic Violence, Victimization and Survival. (Macmillan, 2015) Available at: https://www.palgrave.com/us/book/9781137468482. Accessed June 17, 2019.

Notes: This article was originally published October 14, 2021 and most recently updated November 2, 2021.

How to Stop It & What You Can Do

Experiencing gaslighting is confusing, frustrating, and sometimes even traumatizing, but it’s especially damaging when it comes from your partner.

Gaslighting in relationships can look like something as innocuous as being convinced that you’re the one always leaving the bathroom light on (and jacking up the electric bill), to a much more heinous situation where one person is forced into questioning their own reality. It is often referred to as a form of romantic terrorism and can even accompany domestic violence,² but even in less severe circumstances, the phenomenon can be highly damaging to a romantic relationship.

What Is Gaslighting in A Relationship?

Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation in which one person makes another person doubt his or her perceptions, experiences, memories, or understanding of events that happened.

But when it comes to romantic relationships, “in my clinical practice, the gaslighter is typically a man and the gaslight-tee is typically a woman,” says psychoanalyst Robin Stern, PhD, co-founder and associate director of the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence and author of The Gaslight Effect: How to Spot and Survive the Hidden Manipulation Others Use to Control Your Life. “Many women are socialized to doubt themselves and continually apologize for disagreeing or upsetting their partners. Men are not.”

The term “gaslighting” comes from the British play Gas Light and the subsequent 1944 movie Gaslight, a mystery-thriller in which a man slowly tricks and manipulates his wife into doubting her own perceptions and coming to believe she is losing her mind; his goal is to have her committed to a mental institution so that he can gain power of attorney over her.

What Are Some Examples of Gaslighting in Romantic Relationships?

Gaslighting can take many different forms in romantic relationships. Gaslighting examples might look like your partner needing to be right all the time or to always have the upper hand.

Gaslighting in Relationship Warning Signs

To achieve that goal, they might insult you or demean you in front of others or when the two of you are alone. They might use humor as a weapon and tease you or mock you under the guise of “I’m just kidding.” They can make you doubt your own memory or perceptions by saying things like “I never said that,” or “You said you’d pay that bill,” or “I wasn’t flirting with that woman—you’re paranoid!”

In other situations—such as during an argument—they might categorically deny facts that you know are true. Or, to justify insensitive behavior or cover their tracks when you’re upset that they’re late for an important date, a gaslighter might tell you that you’re too sensitive or too rigid or too _____ [fill in the blank]. As a result of these gaslighting signs, you may end up feeling like you’re walking on eggshells as you try to avoid triggering another blowup.

However it’s done, gaslighting involves undermining a partner’s feelings and perceptions as a means of instilling self-doubt or of challenging their perception of reality.

“Gaslighting is insidious—it plays on our worst fears, our most anxious thoughts, our deepest wishes to be understood, appreciated, and loved,” says Stern. “And when we idealize the gaslighter—when we want to see him as the love of our life—then we have even more difficulty sticking to our own sense of reality.”

Although every relationship is unique, there are some common telltale signs that can be revealed by asking yourself the questions below:

  • Blocking and Diverting: Because gaslighting is about control, perpetrators find ways to block their victim’s access to outside sources that might contradict the gaslighter’s distorted narratives.
    Ask yourself: Is my partner always putting boundaries or rules around what I am allowed to think, say, or do? Am I forbidden to seek counseling or advice that might contradict their perspective?

  • Verbal Abuse: Those who gaslight their partners regularly put down, demean, and harshly criticize their victims.
    Ask yourself: Are my partner’s comments about me consistently negative and harsh? Am I blamed for every conflict or problem?

  • Lies: Gaslighting involves building a web of lies to create a false reality for the victim so that they remain helpless. This is often done by withholding information and/or countering information to fit the abuser’s perspective.
    Ask yourself: Is my partner withholding important information and contradicting themselves? Does their perspective always run contrary to mine, even when facts contradict their narrative?

  • Minimizing/Discounting/Trivializing: Those who gaslight will consistently downplay any concerns.
    Ask yourself: Does my partner always say I am exaggerating things or being overly emotional? Are my concerns or feelings often trivialized or dismissed?

If your relationship is a one-way street in which your opinions are invalid, your feelings are characterized as incorrect, and your beliefs are constantly called into question, these are strong indicators you are being gaslighted.

How Gaslighting Affects a Relationship

Being victimized by gaslighting is not a minor “bump in the road” of a relationship. For the victim, it’s an unwarranted assault on their sense of self and self-worth that destroys trust and calls into question their grip on reality.

To understand the negative impact of gaslighting on a relationship, it’s important to first understand the characteristics of a healthy relationship, which include trust, honesty, intimacy, and compromise. Above all, a healthy relationship is supportive and growth oriented. In order to foster this emotional growth, both partners must have genuine respect for each other.

When two people mutually respect each other, they are vested in pro-relationship behaviors like acceptance, forgiveness, and a commitment to working through conflict in ways that honor the feelings of each partner.

However, someone who gaslights is invested in the opposite behaviors: dishonesty, manipulation, and dominance—in other words, the complete destruction of trust and intimacy. Being gaslighted causes incredible stress and can lead to depression and other mental health issues.

Why Is Gaslighting in Relationships So Damaging?

Besides harming the self-esteem and emotional stability of the person on the receiving end, gaslighting can be particularly damaging to a relationship because it detracts from the “shared reality” you have with your partner. New research has found that having a set of shared thoughts, feelings, and beliefs with an intimate partner is not only a critical part of the bond, but it also motivates couples to reaffirm that shared reality when they face potential threats and contributes to relationship satisfaction. ³

With gaslighting, the sense of that so-called shared reality is questioned, if not destroyed, which can lead to a loss of trust and comfort in the relationship.

“There’s a fundamental core experience of togetherness and connection in a romantic relationship, and when there’s a split or fragmentation between shared realities, there’s such an undermining of intimacy, connection, and safety in the relationship,” explains Craig Malkin, PhD, a clinical psychologist and lecturer at Harvard Medical School and author of Rethinking Narcissism.

Why Do Some Romantic Partners Gaslight?

Remember that someone who gaslights wants to control their victim at any cost. This is likely feeding their insecurity about their sense of control over their own life, perhaps stemming from a deep-seated insecurity or a narcissistic personality.

Regardless of the origin of the gaslighting behaviors, the outcome is always negative.

While the gaslighting partner demands respect from their victim via manipulation, the victim is a constant target of harsh criticism and ridicule. Consequently, the victim may eventually lose respect for themselves, as well as their self-worth and sense of autonomy, which is the ultimate aim of the gaslighting partner.

How To Stop Gaslighting in a Relationship

If you suspect you’re being subjected to gaslighting, you’ll want to take steps to deal with it effectively depending on the type of gaslighting you’re experiencing.

Narrative Gaslighting

This form of manipulation happens when your partner tries to convince you that something didn’t happen the way you think it did—aka changing the narrative or story. You might say, “Okay, we have different memories of what happened; there’s no point in getting into a debate about it,” Malkin advises.

Emotional Gaslighting

Here, your partner might be telling you that you shouldn’t feel the way you do. Hold true to yourself by saying, “This is how I feel; I understand you feel differently but you can’t tell me how I should feel.” “Your feelings are your feelings,” Malkin says. “They can’t possibly be wrong.”

Personal Gaslighting

This happens when your partner is making you question things you assume to be true about yourself. Malkin recommends relying on something called “borrowed judgment,” in which you run your experience by friends and others you trust and ask them to reinforce your perception or weigh in with their opinion. In other words, get a reality check by talking to a third party you’ve known and trusted for a long time and ask him or her to help you distinguish truth from distortion, Stern advises.

In relationships where gaslighting is a regular occurrence, it can take a great deal of self-control to avoid arguing the point. Remember: “In that moment, you cannot convince someone who’s trying to gaslight you that he or she is wrong,” Stern says. To avoid getting embroiled in a power struggle, it helps to have some good conversation-stoppers handy, such as “I don’t like where this conversation is going; let’s talk about this another time. ”

For your own well-being, focus on your feelings, instead of who’s right or wrong. To that end, it may help to write in a journal about your interactions with the gaslighter and the feelings those encounters bring up for you. The goal is to “get back into the practice of defining your own reality,” Stern says. “Be compassionate toward yourself. Accept and acknowledge that what you feel is okay.”

Gaslighting in Relationships FAQs

*Answers to FAQs provided by Robin Stern, PhD, co-founder and associate director of the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence and author of The Gaslight Effect: How to Spot and Survive the Hidden Manipulation Others Use to Control Your Life and Craig Malkin, PhD, a clinical psychologist and lecturer at Harvard Medical School and author of Rethinking Narcissism.

What is gaslighting in a relationship?

It’s a form of psychological manipulation in which one person makes the other partner doubt his or her perceptions, experiences, memories, or understanding of events that happened.

Is the silent treatment a form of gaslighting?

Yes. Sometimes a gaslighter who engages in intimidation may “use silence as a weapon against you, either to get his way or to punish you when you displease him,” says Robin Stern, PhD, co-founder and associate director of the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence and author of The Gaslight Effect: How to Spot and Survive the Hidden Manipulation Others Use to Control Your Life.

How to talk to a partner who is gaslighting you?

Choose a time when neither of you is feeling rushed or stressed and raise the issue in a non-accusatory way. “Instead of telling your gaslighter what he’s doing wrong, try describing the problem and including your own participation,” Stern advises. You might describe the pattern of these interactions, explain how they make you feel, then ask for how you’d like them to change.

How to stop gaslighting in a relationship?

You really can’t, experts say, because it’s a form of emotional abuse. Ultimately the choice to gaslight or not is up to the perpetrator. To end the pattern, “he needs to accept the truth and own it and be willing to get comfortable with his own feelings so he doesn’t feel like he has to knock someone else down to feel better,” explains Craig Malkin, PhD, a clinical psychologist and lecturer at Harvard Medical School and author ofRethinking Narcissism. "What you do have control over is whether to stay in the relationship if things don’t improve, Stern says, “because your reality and integrity are more important.”

It can also be helpful to set limits on the gaslighting and let the person know they can't get away with it as a tactic. Setting limits also demonstrates that you are in a position of quiet strength.

Are there potential legal consequences of gaslighting in relationships?

If gaslighting is the reason for divorce or abandonment, it could come into play in legal cases. And if a gaslighter is deemed to be lying because the facts and evidence don’t support what he is saying in divorce proceedings, there may be legal consequences, Malkin says.

  1. American Psychological Association. APA Dictionary of Psychology: Gaslight. Available at https://dictionary.apa.org/gaslight. Accessed September 28, 2021.
  2. Hayes, Sharon, and Samantha Jeffries. “Romantic Terrorism? An Auto-Ethnographic Analysis of Gendered Psychological and Emotional Tactics in Domestic Violence” in Journal of Research in Gender Studies, 2016, 6(2): 38-61. Available at https://www.addletonacademicpublishers.com/contents-jrgs/823-volume-6-2-2016/2827-romantic-terrorism-an-auto-ethnographic-analysis-of-gendered-psychological-and-emotional-tactics-in-domestic-violence. Accessed September 28, 2021.
  3. Rossignac-Milon, Maya, Niall Bolger, Katherine S. Zee, Erica J. Boothby, and E. Tory Higgins. “Merged Minds: Generalized Shared Reality in Dyadic Relationships” in Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 2021, 120(4): 882-911. Available at: https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/32673045/; https://static1.squarespace.com/static/53dd6293e4b0d1d6aa7a2e72/t/5f34279488804511c9033c54/1597253531769/Merged+Minds. pdf. Accessed September 28, 2021.
  4. Spear, Andrew D. “Epistemic dimensions of gaslighting: peer-disagreement, self-trust, and epistemic injustice” in An Interdisciplinary Journal of Philosophy, 2019. Available at: https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/0020174X.2019.1610051?src=recsys. Accessed September 28, 2021.
  5. Youth.gov. Characteristics of Healthy & Unhealthy Relationships. https://youth.gov/youth-topics/teen-dating-violence/characteristics. Published 2022. Accessed September 7, 2022.
  6. Kumashiro, M., Finkel, E.J. and Rusbult, C.E. (2002), "Self-Respect and Pro-Relationship Behavior in Marital Relationships." Journal of Personality, 70: 1009-1050. https://doi.org/10.1111/1467-6494.05030 Accessed September 7, 2022.
  7. Mitra P, Fluyau D. Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Ncbi.nlm.nih.gov. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK556001/. Published 2022. Accessed September 7, 2022.
  8. Petric, D. (2022) "Psychology of Abusive Human Behavior. " Open Journal of Medical Psychology, 11, 29-38. doi: 10.4236/ojmp.2022.112003. Accessed September 7, 2022.

Notes: This article was originally published October 24, 2021 and most recently updated September 14, 2022.

Stacey Colino

Stacey Colino is an award-winning writer, specializing in health, fitness, and psychological issues, and an ACE-certified health coach. Her work has appeared in dozens of national magazines, and she is the co-author of the books Disease-Proof: The Remarkable Truth About What Makes Us Well, Strong Is the New Skinny, Good Food Fast!, and Taking Back the Month.

Psychologist's blog: what is gaslighting and how to resist it?

  • Elena Savinova
  • Psychologist

Author photo, Ayo Ogunseinde/UNSPLASH

Despite the romantic film "Gas Light" - Gazlawing's phenomenon is not connected with the pester sympathy or love.

Light, which does not heat

This is a kind of subtle psychological violence used intentionally for a long time.

Its purpose is to make a person doubt either the adequacy of his own perception of reality, or the objectivity of the surrounding world in general.

As a result - lose touch with reality, lose confidence in yourself, suspect insanity, fall into despair.

Thus, the hero of George Cukor's film steals jewelry from his wife. But to reassure her that it is only her imagination, she simultaneously makes various manipulations with home lighting.

  • Psychologist's blog: is it necessary to get into the soul and phone of a loved one?

The wife, of course, notices that something is wrong, but he claims that it seems the same to her. A puzzled woman who sincerely trusts her husband begins to believe that she is hallucinating.

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GOLD ISTORIA TIZHNYA, Yaku explain our journalism

Kinets Podkstv

is possible to do it that it is anxious, with such anxious man. - also make excuses that everything is done for his own good.

Manipulative denial of reality can be related to both facts: I have never done such a thing, I never said it, again you are making everything up. So are emotions.

For example, parents prone to excessive control, trying to accustom a child to the "right" emotions and feelings, often tell him: in fact, you don't think so. You only think that you want it, but you want something completely different.

A gres s ora also cry

Also often parents deny physical abuse of children.

A man considers his wife's tears, which are a normal reaction to his insulting words or actions, to be a manifestation of her depression and advises her to go for treatment.

A girl who claims to be harassed is accused of provoking them or even declared crazy.

Nonconfirmation is another name for this manipulative behavior.

  • Psychologist's blog: how to get rid of "fake" emotions?

It belongs to the Scottish psychiatrist Ronald Laing. Given that a person is a social being, he needs others to "confirm" the adequacy of his own actions and views.

The essence of gaslighting is the deliberate refusal to provide such confirmation, the false denial of someone's actions and thoughts.

This phenomenon is often observed where people stay together for a long time - at work, in the family, in groups of children or teenagers.

It is based on the victim-aggressor behavior model. That is, someone alone has predominantly unconscious sadistic inclinations. At the other end of the rope is a partner with a victim complex.

"Nedoprintz" and "T s -Z E -d E

Author, Freestocks.org/unsplahh - consent to participate in this "game" of another, submission to the manipulator.

For example, a wife prefers to silently endure yet another attack of her husband's moral bullying - because she depends on him financially, for the sake of her children, because of the fear of being abandoned.

But that only cheers the gaslighter up. He seeks to unbalance his partner at any cost, and then shift the blame to him for throwing a tantrum again. And thus once again prove their supposedly right - that a woman has mental problems.

  • Psychologist's blog: when should you get a divorce?

The need to manipulate, to humiliate arises from the unwillingness to admit oneself guilty of worsening relations. Because of low self-esteem, fear of losing a beautiful and smart wife, envy of her success. The cause is often childhood trauma, emotional unavailability of parents.

In their reproaches, in order to annoy more painfully, the aggressors, as a rule, appeal to what a person is not able to change - to age, gender, origin, physiological characteristics.

"How can you behave like that, you're a woman!", "Don't swear in front of children, you're a mother!", "Look at yourself - I'm a prince too!", "With your complexion, you can go without eating for three days" . Familiar after all arguments?

Polite rudeness

But gaslighting is not even loud quarrels or streetcar abuse.

It is said that people who are not indifferent to each other quarrel because of the lack of sharp emotions. But owing to their low culture, they do not know how to experience them in any other way.

Yes, and reconciliation after a storm can be sweet. A healthy "showdown" is when a husband and wife on an equal footing can express to each other everything that has boiled over.

In our case, we are dealing with oppression, an attempt by the psychologically stronger to subdue the weaker. Also pass him off as a fool.

This ability to say something disgusting with a smile, an open mockery to pass off as caring. Here, insults are not used, but, for example, eloquent silence when the victim enters the classroom or office.

This may be laughter behind one's back and assurances that everything was just heard. Or a fake sympathetic question, why does he or she look so bad, maybe something happened.

Gaslighters are not only spouses or colleagues in relation to each other.

This is how adult children sometimes behave with elderly parents. For example, a daughter says to an old father who wants to help: now our dad will break or burn something again. Or he throws it ironically and condescendingly at his mother: "Mom, have you forgotten how old you are that you put on this dress? The main thing is not to forget now where you are going. "

Darkness at the end of the tunnel

Image copyright Cassidy Kelley/Unsplash

Stopping the tug of war is enough to counter gaslighting.

It is not necessary to check whether you or your partner did not really say or do what they are trying to convince you. It will only sow unnecessary doubts in the mind.

You need to trust yourself more, develop confidence in your own convictions, the correctness of your actions.

If such unhealthy relationships have developed at work, it is better to change the team. The same applies to children. If a child is bullied at school, it is better to transfer him to another educational institution.

If the gaslighter is your husband, don't make excuses or prove that you're not crazy. Calmly but firmly tell him that his attitude offends you and in the future you will not put up with him. If nothing changes - pack your things and leave without hesitation.

After all, manipulation cannot be the basis of a healthy relationship. And the longer you live under the same roof with a gaslighter, the longer you will have to "reassemble" your personality piece by piece.

What is gaslighting and how to deal with it > Rubric Medicine in Samara

Relationships with relatives and soul mates can take many forms.

They are not always positive. Some can have a negative effect on the psyche and nervous system - such as gaslighting. From practicing psychologists, we learned how to detect and overcome it.

Gas light

Gaslighting is a kind of psychological violence, manipulation, the main purpose of which is to make the object of influence doubt its normality and objectivity in perceiving what is happening. Like any abuse (psychological violence. - Approx. ed.), it arises from the desire of one person to dominate another, to suppress the will, to exercise his power.

Gaslighting owes its name to the British film Gaslight of the same name 1940, which was re-shot by the Americans in 1944 starring Ingrid Bergman. According to the plot, the newly-made husband of the main character turns out to be a cruel criminal who wants to steal the family jewels. Fearing exposure, he convinces his wife that she is going crazy. And the woman is really losing her mind.

- You can recognize gaslighting if any of the following happens to you: your loved one makes you question your memory. For example, he says that what you are talking about simply did not exist. It provokes doubts about your emotional stability and adequacy. From him you can hear remarks like: “Just don’t start hysteria again!”, “You need to be treated!” and so on. The partner convinces you and others that you are a stupid, incompetent person, says: “Again you don’t understand anything.” He denies feelings and devalues ​​facts that are important to you. For example, claims that you create a problem out of the blue, explains Head of the volunteer project "Knowledge will stop gender violence" Anastasia Babicheva.

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At home and at work

Gaslighting has not only everyday forms, when feelings and experiences of a partner are accidentally devalued. It is often found inside the problem of domestic violence. Moreover, this form of manipulation is used not only by partners or spouses, but also by other close relatives, primarily parents in relation to children.

Gaslighting in the family can sometimes become very aggressive. One of the most common is when the initiator of violence denies the fact of committing violence or shifts the blame for it to the injured party.

There is also professional gaslighting, when an employer or manager consistently discredits a subordinate and their professional qualities. There is a more specific form, if such a relationship arises between a psychotherapist and his patient.

Examples of gaslighting in the family were given by specialist Marina Borevich . According to her, in specific situations, its essence lies in the fact that men accuse women of inadequacy in order to build relationships that are beneficial for themselves.

The most popular story is based on hiding betrayals. For example, a wife is sure that her husband has a mistress. She discovers traces of lipstick on shirts, suspicious correspondence, smells extraneous from clothes. Husband returns home late, does not answer calls. When he does arrive, legitimate questions follow from the side of the woman: “Where have you been? Why didn't you pick up the phone? What do you smell like?" In response, she hears: “Instead of feeding me after work, you ask stupid questions!”. Any dissatisfaction is perceived with hostility and with confident criticism. And the wife begins to doubt her suspicions - especially since it is beneficial for the preservation of the family. The unfaithful husband, having caught her weakness, with the next suspicions, promotes his “rightness”. He says: “You are paranoid”, “Contact a psychiatrist”, “You do not let me work normally.”

Women who are in the status of mistresses experience similar pressure - they want to believe promises that the situation will soon be resolved in their favor. “I do everything for our happiness with you, and you ...”, “I am ready to destroy my family, but everything is not enough for you” - there are many examples of such quotes.

“The surest way to counteract gaslighting is to get out of an unhealthy relationship, to end it,” advises Babicheva. - If this is not possible, then it is important not to get involved in manipulation, not to allow yourself to be drawn into the constant proof of your normality and adequacy, because by doing this you will only play along with the aggressor. You need to be aware and defend your own boundaries, trust yourself and your opinion more. If necessary, if you can not cope on your own, you can contact a specialist - for example, a psychologist.

Signs of gaslighting

[box type="info" align="" class="" width=""] Psychoanalyst Robin Stern in his book The Gaslight Effect offers a checklist for identifying gaslighting, for this you should analyze your own state . Signs can be the following:

• you constantly doubt yourself;
• you often ask yourself: "Maybe I'm really too sensitive?";
• you feel embarrassed at work and even feel crazy;
• you constantly apologize to your parents, partner, or boss;
• you often think: "Am I good enough / good";
• you cannot understand why with so many good things in life you are still unhappy;
• when shopping for clothes or home furnishings, think about what your partner would like instead of enjoying the purchase;
• often make excuses to friends or family for your partner's behavior;
• hide information from friends and family so you don't have to explain yourself;
• you know something terribly wrong is going on, but you can't explain what it is, even to yourself;
• you begin to lie to avoid the destruction of your usual reality;
• you find it difficult to make simple decisions;
• you will think twice before bringing up seemingly innocent topics of conversation;
• before your partner comes home, you replay your entire day in your head to anticipate everything you may have done wrong;
• periodically there is a feeling that once you were a different person: more self-confident, cheerful, relaxed;
• you are afraid to tell your partner things that may upset him, and tell him such information through a third party;
• thoughts arise that you can't do anything right;
• your children are trying to protect you from your partner;
• you get angry at people with whom you always got along before;
• feel hopeless and joyless. [/box]

[author title=» Olesya Shuvalova, family psychologist: » image=»»]- The most common victims of gaslighting are women who are in a relationship with a manipulator and children who are manipulated their own parents. Dealing with gaslighting can be quite difficult: the victim tries to please the manipulator, believing that she is really doing something wrong, and does not even realize that she needs help. Therefore, if you notice any signs in yourself, be sure to contact a psychologist in order to recognize the gaslighter in time and get out of this situation with the least losses. [/author]

[author title=» Marina Borevich, kinesiology psychologist: » image=""]- Since one of my areas of work is love triangles, I am often approached by wives and mistresses who experience this form psychological pressure. If it is beneficial for you to maintain a relationship or family, then simply admit to yourself that your man is lying and you allow him to do this. But if you can't live a lie, then don't let yourself be fooled. Your task is to track how you are being manipulated and decide on your fate. And you can do it.[/author]

[author title=» Aglaya Medvedeva, practical psychologist: » image=»»]- If you feel scared when communicating with a person, if your body tenses up, your neck hurts, a lump appears in your throat, if you your strength and self-confidence disappear, you cease to feel the ground under your feet, know that the rapist talked to you. Emotional abuse is not a sign of a bad mood. This is a manifestation of coldness, insensitivity, attitude towards people as things. The purpose of the gaslighter is to throw the victim off balance. It can be assumed that such people were brought up in a very tough environment with inaccessible parents. These are just those cases when the mother had to be "brought" in order to get at least some attention from her. Most likely, the behavior of the gaslighter is an unconscious, habitual communication pattern due to the fear of being humiliated.

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