Bipolar sister in law

Letter to my bipolar sister-in-law

I''ve written here before about my 40 year old sister-in-law who has bipolar and is still completely dependent on her parents for everything. She is childish and has really dismal social skills - she talks incessantly about nonsense and stands much too close to you etc. She had a job as a nursery school assistant for a couple of years but resigned several years ago. I think she was probably manic at the time as she was quite paranoid. She tried to find another job but failed.

On Thursday I finally had enough. We invited her and our parents over for brunch as it was my daughter''s birthday. My sil threw a tantrum because my daughter didn''t immediately respond to her when she called her, and my mil and I both told her to not bother the kid who was very excitedly playing with a present. She just about shouted at us that everybody treats her like an idiot, then sat and sulked for the next half hour. And all she wanted to ask my daughter was where one of our cats was...

So I decided to write her a letter and tell it like it is. I apologise for this very long post CS, and will quite understand if you don''t read all of it. I will really appreciate other reader''s input as well. Is this ok? Am I too harsh?

Thanks.

****************************************************************************
Dear L

I feel the time has come for me to honest with you about what I think. I decided that doing so face to face will be unproductive, therefore I''m writing you a letter which you can read at your leisure.

When I look at you I see unfulfilled potential. I see a grown woman who gets treated as if she is mentally deficient or 9 years old, neither of which is true, and it bothers me a great deal. I believe that this is absolutely not in your best interests and it has stifled your personal development for the last 20 years. I cannot stand the way you and Michaella are handled as if you are on the same level, when you should really not be. You once told me that your illness stole your childhood and that is why you are childlike. Frankly I feel immature is a more apt description and it is not a characteristic of bipolar or OCD. (I don''t know if you have any other diagnoses.) I know people with bipolar who live relatively normal. Yes they have good times and times when the wheels fall off, and the degree of illness varies. But bipolar does not render you incapable of growing up. If you want to be treated like an adult then you must behave like an adult.

My perception of what happened is that your parents, especially your mom, decided that because of your illness you must be protected against anything that might upset you. Bad and childish behaviour is just accepted and forgotten. You were never pushed to achieve anything, never expected to learn how to look after yourself or take responsibility for yourself. I was shocked when I found out that your mom controls your medication, and absolutely dismayed when she told me a couple of years ago that she packs your bag when you go away on holiday. Why on earth can''t you do those things for yourself? Why can you not cook a meal, make a mess in the kitchen and clean it up all by yourself? Unless you are suicidal, which you don''t appear to be, I see absolutely no reason why you cannot take more personal responsibility and live a much more satisfying life. Change and growth is scary, and emotionally painful, but ultimately worth it.

Do you know what medications you take, what they are for and what the typical side effects are? You have access to the internet, there is a wealth of information out there. If you don''t know where to look I will help you. The days are long gone when one should just accept everything doctors tell you, you must educate yourself. I told your mom earlier this year that I switched psychiatrists and it was the best thing I could have done. A new doctor, up to date with the latest research, made a huge difference to my treatment and subsequent quality of life. I suggested that perhaps after all this time it might be useful for you to get a second opinion and a fresh eye looking at your treatment. She wouldn''t hear of it. At her age one doesn''t want to make changes. But it''s not too late for you, and I urge you take take more of an interest in yourself. By the way, I think it''s great that you joined Curves.

My understanding is that medical aids have to pay for certain conditions, including Bipolar, even if you only have a hospital plan. It is called the Minimum Prescribed Benefits. You are entitled to 15 paid visits to a psychiatrist or psychologist, and they must pay for your chronic medication as well, subject to certain rules. The person you see must apply to the medical aid on your behalf. Maybe you can use those visits, go and see a psychologist and work on your self esteem, emotional development and social skills? It will also be very helpful if your parents can go with for a couple of sessions and the psychologist can help all of you together to work out a plan for you to become more independent and self sufficient.

Which brings me to the subject of work. I know you want to work with children but the way you present yourself does not inspire confidence. That''s why working with a psychologist will be such a good thing. In the meantime though, stacking shelves or washing floors in a supermarket is also worthy work, and earning money of your own will do wonders for the way you feel about yourself. Apart from that, is it fair to expect your dad to continue supporting you financially... until when?

Do I have the right to say these things? It''s true that I don''t know your whole history, and haven''t been there when things are really bad. However I have observed the situation now for 7 years, I have a lot of personal experience of psychiatric treatment (successful and unsuccessful), I study in this field and I have read a lot and talked to other people who are bipolar. R and I are going to be the people you turn to the day your parents can no longer look after you. We are raising Michaella to become a capable and independent adult and frankly I am not willing to have someone else''s perpetual child in my house for the rest of my life, not when I believe she is capable of a lot more. You will need support, we understand that and we''re willing to provide it, but I will not spoonfeed you and do everything for you the way your parents do.

That''s all I want to say for now. The rest is up to you. If you want to talk about it then I''m available.

Answer 4,012 views

People who behave like an idiot should not complain when others treat them as an idiot. The remedy lies in their changing their behaviour and choices.
And, Maria, as the post did actually involve cats, of course I read it all, accompanied by a cup of coffee !
If one feels an illness, or anything else, has somehow deprived one of a normal childhood, this neither justifies nor is remedied by, choosing to live as a childish adult.
As for your letter, it makes excellent sense.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical examination, diagnosis and formal advice. Health34 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

Histrionic Sister-in-Law

Question:

My family has been struggling for some time concerning my sister-in-law. I don’t believe she has been professionally diagnosed as having a certain disorder, but what we really see in her is the histrionic personality disorder–and may have a couple of disorders combined with that. She is on medication for anxiety and depression but is not seeking counseling–She is very dramatic, everything is all about her–she is 40 and does not work–she has a disabled son that she sends to respite care almost every weekend so she can go party and drinking in the bars–she basically keeps him for the money from the state–she just got a drunk driving and disorderly conduct from her so-called boyfriend. She can’t keep a relationship–always creates turmoil in her life. She always talks about suicide–everything is everybody else’s fault–not her own–We disown the way she lives her life and basically don’t want much to do with her because of her actions–BUT, on the other hand, our question is–How do we show her that we love her and care for her without “approving” of her actions and the way she lives her life? How do we set limits with her to not allow her to take advantage of us and yet still get across to her how much we love her and we do care for her? Our concern is are we doing enough for her? Is there something more we can do? We have talked her ears out about getting counseling, etc. , but she sounds like she is listening, but she never changes.

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Always consult with your psychotherapist, physician, or psychiatrist first before changing any aspect of your treatment regimen. Do not stop your medication or change the dose of your medication without first consulting with your physician.

Answer:

From your description, it sounds like you should add ‘anti-social’ and ‘substance/alcohol abuse’ to your list of potential diagnoses. Chances would seem slim that you will make any significant impact on this individual so long as she is ‘getting away with it’ so to speak. This is to say that an alcoholic (and other self-centered types) usually doesn’t seek out or sustain treatment until he/she has hit bottom (e.g., is involved in a significant crisis which strips him/her of property and lifestyle and sometimes, health. How do you express love to such an individual? It sounds to me like you are already doing a good job of it, what with all the attention you’ve shown her. How do you set limits on her behavior? That is the harder question.

Probably, you have to figure out what you genuinely want to offer her in the way of love, and what you genuinely can afford to provide her with in the way of attention and invitations. A good rule of thumb is that you probably cannot count on reciprocity from her. Whatever you give will be accepted without any effort at giving back. Because most people expect reciprocity, giving a lot to this individual will probably result in your getting angry and frustrated with her. So take time now (in advance) to really figure out what you are willing and able to give without getting frustrated. Do you want to let her know that you are always there to take her call when she is distressed? If so, figure out what hours of the day and night ‘always’ applies to – if you don’t want a midnight call. Are you willing to lone her money (probably not a good idea). If so, how much and for what purpose (and how will you enforce that purpose?). Is this woman invited to your family gatherings? If so, what are the ground rules? What conditions will you tolerate and what conditions will result in your needing to show her the door? The difficult thing about limiting someone are the feelings you experience (guilt, anger, frustration, etc. ) Getting things as straight as possible in advance will help you better manage your feelings and the situation where you need to put limits on.

Regarding your question, “Are we doing enough?” (e.g., to address her problems and illness. The answer is probably, “Yes”. You can lead a horse to water, but you cannot make her drink. Maybe figure out if there is really neglect or abuse going on regarding the son (and make a child abuse report if there is). Maybe provide her with some telephone numbers where she could call for help, assistance, counseling, a case-worker who can help manage her affairs. But after that, it is up to her to use the resources.

- Mark Dombeck, Ph.D.

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Beckham's future daughter-in-law contracted an unknown disease: which of the stars suffers from an incomprehensible illness

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Nicola Peltz and Brooklyn Beckham@nicolaannepeltz

Verka SerduchkaGlobal Look Press

Nicola Peltz, lover and fiancée of Brooklyn Beckham, is recovering from an unknown illness at home. Doctors have not yet been able to find out what exactly happened to her.

The family misses her very much - they sent her flowers and cards, which she published on her blog.

“Dear Nicola, we love and miss you very much. Get well soon! We kiss you. Victoria, David, Brooklyn, Romeo, Cruz and Harper," the note said.

The girl communicates well with all family members and is especially friends with Harper, the sister of her chosen one.

Nicola isn't the only star to surprise fans with her strange ailments.

For example, with Polina Gagarina, trouble happened right on the stage - her joint flew out, which frightened the fans very much. The singer herself asked not to worry - the injury is old and well known to her.

Alisa Arshavina has an even stranger illness. Which, however, was the reason for her to appear on a TV show. The former lover of a football player has a nose. Alice herself declares that the matter is in necrosis, but many blame it on unsuccessful plastic surgery.

Recently it became known about serious health problems with Andrei Danilko, whom everyone knows as Verka Serduchka. His managers, however, argue that the panic is far-fetched - Andrei just has sleep problems, and he is working on them.

Another "star" and very terrible disease - a brain tumor - takes away really talented artists from us. A few years ago, Zhanna Friske died from her, and now Anastasia Zavorotnyuk is suffering. However, as her relatives say and what fans hope for, now the actress is feeling better.

Some ailments are especially annoying because they affect the appearance. Not so long ago, Maria Kozhevnikova admitted that she gained 7 kg due to hormonal failure associated with the thyroid gland.

And the most common among stars, of course, are mental problems. Popularity often leads to a heavy load on the psyche, which not everyone can withstand. Singer Billy Eilish shares that she has to constantly struggle with bipolar disorder, and Dina Saeva is struggling to cope with depression.

Photo: Global Look Press, Nikola Peltz Shtyefpkf

Show business, Billy Eilish, Alisa Arshavina, Nikola Peltz, Andrey Danilko, Maria Kozhevnikova, Anastasia Zavorotnyuk, Polina Gagarina, Zhanna Friske, passion.ru,

43-year-old the bride, every day checking the 31-year-old groom on a lie detector, brought him ... to the registry office!

Komsomolskaya Pravda

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SocietyPICTURE OF THE DAY

Natalia TUBOLTSEVA

November 16, 2014 14:30

The most jealous woman on the planet married the man of her dreams [photo]

Pathologically jealous Debbie Wood married her boyfriend on Halloween. Photo: SOCIAL NETWORKS.

Meet Debbie Wood - the most jealous woman on the planet, Othello of our days. And this is completely official: she even has a corresponding certificate. Every day, a 43-year-old resident of British Leicester checks her beloved man, 31-year-old Steve, on a lie detector - even if the guy has been away for fifteen minutes for bread at a nearby bakery. Well, how did he manage to lay eyes on a pretty saleswoman during this time ?! Debbie is so jealous that she checks Steve's email daily, keeps track of his banking transactions, and checks his cell phone. Moreover, she forbids the faithful even to look at other women - not only in life, but also in photographs in magazines. And so that the beloved does not admire other people's charms on the screen, Debbie installed a special filter on the TV, and now Steve can only watch harmless cartoons and educational programs. And where, you ask, can such an unhealthy relationship lead? To the registry office! Recently, the most unusual couple in the UK got married - Debbie and Steve became husband and wife. "It's official!" - the happy bride wrote on Facebook, posting a picture of herself in a wedding dress, hand in hand with her dear spouse.

Every day, a 43-year-old resident of British Leicester checks her beloved man, 31-year-old Steve, on a lie detector. Photo: Youtube.

Debbie's morbid suspiciousness is not just a fad, but a real illness. In September last year, Mrs. Wood underwent an examination, and doctors revealed that she had "Othello's syndrome" - a mental deviation in which a person constantly thinks that his partner is cheating on him. Debbie also suffers from bipolar disorder (mood swings) and body dysmorphic disorder (a deviation in which a person is constantly worried about the shortcomings of his appearance) and therefore rarely leaves the house. However, this “bouquet” does not bother Steve at all. As well as the fact that his wife is 12 years older and does not look like a Disney princess. The man voluntarily "surrendered" the missus logins and passwords from his mail and bank accounts, and does not even grumble about the daily lie detector test.

- Debbie and I are kindred spirits. She is a special person for me. So a little bit of jealousy does not spoil our relationship, - Steve admitted to the British Daily Mail.

The couple met in 2011 on Facebook, where they were brought together by a mutual friend. The year before, Debbie had moved from the US, where she had lived for ten years with her previous boyfriend. The relationship ended, and the woman returned to her native Scotland to heal a broken heart. As doctors suspect, it was the last unsuccessful romance that could push Debbie to a mental breakdown and painful jealousy. However, when Steve began to correspond with a new girlfriend on the Web, nothing clouded their feelings. Alarming "bells" rang after they met in person, and a spark flashed between them. Young people specially came to London for their first date.

The couple met in 2011 on Facebook. Photo: Youtube.

- When we first kissed under London Bridge, I immediately thought we were a couple, - Debbie recalls, - I didn't want to fall in love and suffer again, but Steve stole my heart.

For Steve, however, their first kiss did not leave such romantic memories. He and Debbie lived in different cities, and the guy could not even think that his new acquaintance had far-reaching plans for him.

- I realized that everything was serious with us, and suggested that we move in together. And then I found out that Steve, while I was not around, saw another girl. And it sowed jealousy in my soul, - admits Mrs. Wood, - He swore that he did not think that we had exclusive rights to each other, because we lived at a distance. I forgave him, but since then I have constantly doubted whether he is faithful to me or not.

The couple moved in and started living together. And the further, the more Debbie suffered from painful suspicions: what does Steve do her while she is not around? Is he cheating on her? Does he stare at other women? The faithful word of honor: dear, I am a flint, it seemed to the woman a little. And she demanded from Steve passwords for email, mobile phone and access to all his accounts - in order to control his daily correspondence, SMS messages, track calls and banking transactions. Where he was, what he did and what he spent money on. However, most of the time, Steve, who is currently out of work, spent with Debbie and did not give much reason for suspicion. But even this was not enough for the jealous woman: she demanded that he stop reading magazines, because they print photographs of other women. And then she restricted his access to television and the Internet by installing filters on the TV and laptop that blocked programs and entertainment content sites. Cute TV presenters and other stellar beauties seemed to Debbie as competitors who could “take away” her beloved. Usually such filters are installed by parents for young children, but Debbie decided that they were perfect for a 31-year-old boyfriend.

- One evening we were watching an advertisement for women's razors on TV, and I suddenly panicked because Steve was looking at the model from the commercial, - says the jealous woman, - I only felt calm when I forbade him to watch all TV programs, in which there are women.

Debbie loses her temper every time Steve crosses the threshold - it drives her crazy to think that he is looking at other members of the fairer sex. Because of bitter thoughts, a woman loses control of herself so much that she even begins to throw things at the walls.

- He's great, but that's not all, Debbie says. - It's a matter of trust: it's important for me to know that he doesn't look at other women. I don't want him to think they're attractive. If you live with someone and you are in a happy relationship, you should not look at others, only your partner.

Steve is not embarrassed by the strangeness of his wife, as well as the fact that his wife is 12 years older and does not look like a Disney princess. Photo: SOC. Steve resignedly agreed - what can not be done for the sake of peace of mind beloved!

- I ordered a lie detector from an online store and began to check Steve on it every day. In principle, he never lies to me, but a couple of times I still caught him in a lie when I asked if he was looking at other girls, says Debbie.

- It's because I'm nervous, passing the test on the detector, - Steve justifies, - My heart starts beating fast, and as a result, the readings are slightly distorted.

Debbie has installed special filters on her TV and laptop to block all programs and websites that contain other women. Photo: Youtube.

Debbie admits that her mental state is far from normal. She follows all the prescriptions of doctors, takes the drugs prescribed by them and attends psychotherapy sessions. The woman was ready to do anything to make her boyfriend happy and marry him.

By the way, Wood is Steve's last name: right after they started living together, Debbie changed her last name to her lover's last name in the hope that this way he would make her a marriage proposal faster. And she got her way: the couple got married last Halloween. The bride shone in a white dress and a diadem, the groom was in a formal suit. Shortly before the wedding, Steve left a touching message on his Facebook page: “The next time I write something here, I will already be a married man. Thanks to everyone who walked with me through life, and thanks to the amazing woman who will become my wife in just a couple of hours. I love you baby and thank you!”

- Debbie and I are kindred spirits, Steve is sure. Photo: Youtube.

Immediately after the wedding, unusual spouses were invited to a talk show on one of the British TV channels. A little embarrassed, Steve revealed that he didn't hesitate to let Debbie buy a lie detector, and that he loved her, despite all her oddities.

- I make Steve go through all this, but he still stays with me. It's just made for me, - says Debbie, - I'm sure that thousands of women around the world suffer from the same disorder that I do, but do not realize it. I think this is all due to the pressure of society: everyone is convinced that women should certainly be thin blondes with big breasts. I am happy that I have such an understanding partner. Many people are far less fortunate in life than I am.

I am happy that I have such an understanding partner. Many people are much less fortunate in life than I am, Debbie Wood is sure. Photo: SOCIAL NETWORKS.

KP DOSSIER

What diagnoses did the doctors make to Debbie Wood?

"Othello's syndrome"

The term "Othello's syndrome" originated in 1955, when American psychiatrists singled out morbid jealousy as a special deviation. There are no exact statistics on how many patients are affected by this disorder. However, it is known for certain that men suffer from it twice as often as women. It is believed that the “Othello syndrome” itself does not occur, but is provoked by other painful mental states or alcoholism.

Bipolar disorder

Bipolar disorder (or manic-depressive psychosis) is a mental illness that manifests itself in the form of affective states - manic and depressive, and sometimes mixed states, in which the patient experiences a rapid change in the symptoms of mania (hypomania) and depression, or symptoms of depression and mania at the same time (for example, melancholy with agitation, anxiety, or euphoria with lethargy). For example, Hollywood star Catherine Zeta-Jones suffers from bipolar disorder: the actress periodically goes to the clinic and undergoes treatment.

Dysmorphia

Dysmorphia (or dysmorphophobia) is a mental disorder in which a person is overly concerned about some minor defect in appearance or his body as a whole. The disorder usually begins in adolescence or adolescence. Dysmorphia is diagnosed in patients who are quite critical of their appearance, even if others simply do not notice any “defect”. Many would like to change or improve something about themselves, but people suffering from dysmorphia believe that they are ugly to such an extent that they avoid social contact for fear of being ridiculed. Not so long ago, for example, the 21-year-old daughter of Bruce Willis and Demi Moore Tallulah Willis admitted that she suffered from dysmorphia as a teenager and got rid of it only a couple of years ago.

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