How to become a friend with benefits
We're Just 'Having Fun.' How To Be Friends With Benefits
We’ve spoken with experts to explore what friends with benefits really involves — and how to make it work.
Chances are you’ve seen at least one movie or TV show where two of the characters were exploring a friends with benefits relationship. It usually ends with the duo falling in love and dancing off into the sunset. In reality, the situation can turn out very differently, as this type of relationship involves far more than just sex with “no strings attached.”
“Friends with benefits describes any sexual relationship in which partners have agreed not to expect emotional commitment or investment from the relationship,” explains Sari Cooper, founder of The Sex Esteem Program and the director of Center for Love and Sex in New York City. “It doesn’t have to include penetrative sex to qualify.”
When you think of friends with benefits, you likely envision tangled bedsheets and a good dose of satisfaction, then scheduling your next meetup and getting on with the rest of your day. But, as with many things in life, it’s not always so clear-cut.
Why it can be (scientifically) hard to keep love out of lust relationships
The main issue that tends to arise is around keeping the physical and the emotional aspects separate.
“Being physical with someone has loads of feel-good hormones going around in our bodies — we’ve got all of those endorphins going on, and hits of dopamine,” states Sarah Louise Ryan, a U.K.-based dating and relationship expert. “However, we’re built to attach to one another.”
Indeed, as well as those feel-good hormones being released, there’s a chemical in the body that actually pushes us to form a deeper connection: oxytocin. This is produced by the brain when you’re attracted to another person and is associated with bonding thanks to its role in developing feelings of trust and security and lowering anxiety levels.
Plus, together with the hormone vasopressin, research shows oxytocin encourages heightened sexual arousal and the process of falling in love.
Why it can be easier for some to enjoy sex without affinity
That being said, for various reasons, some individuals do find it easier to distinguish between love and lust. These include people who:
- Are aromantic. Although they can form bonds, these individuals don’t get romantic feelings or seek traditional romantic relationships.
- Are content in romantic relationships already but are looking to fulfill a sexual need. In some couples, one partner may have a higher sex drive. To ease a sense of frustration and guilt, the pair may come to an open-relationship style arrangement where sexual needs and demands are met by other people.
- Have a vocation involving sex.Escorts and sex workers, for example, engage in intimate physical acts regularly, but don’t fall in love with every client. Research shows that, to help achieve separation, sex workers can construct various physical and emotional boundaries — such as using different locations and changing their appearance.
- Have experienced sexual violence/abuse. A 2011 study indicated those who were sexually abused as children have greater difficulty forming stable and positive intimate relationships in adulthood.
- Have an attachment style based in self-preservation. We learn by doing and some people have had repeated experiences that have created a fear of intimacy.
- Have certain mental health conditions. Those with conditions such as schizophrenia and borderline personality disorder are shown to have lower levels of bond-inducing oxytocin.
When to avoid friends with benefits
Attempting no strings attached sex may be feasible for many, but it’s a scenario best avoided for some, such as folks who experience anxiety.
“If you feel that being sexual with someone might trigger feelings of rejection and emotion, and worry about what might happen, then it might just not be for you,” Ryan says.
“You need to feel comfortable and confident enough in yourself that you’ve got this and can do this. If you don’t, I highly advise a friends with benefits situation wouldn’t serve you,” cautions Ryan.
Cooper adds that people with rejection sensitivity and chronic depression might also be better off avoiding friends with benefits.
Cooper also says that “those who have a traumatic history and get triggered during sexual encounters will be challenged if the person is not an actual friend, since these triggering episodes can be very disturbing and, at times, a survivor can do a violent movement during a flashback.”
When it comes to diving into a friends with benefits relationship, getting on the same page from the very beginning is important to ensure optimum levels of trust, comfort, respect, and enjoyment.
Also, there are a variety of approaches to help ensure things don’t get messy both in and outside the bedroom.
Set sexual ground rules
“As in any sexual relationship, setting boundaries on what will and won’t be expected of the actual sexual behaviors (including sexual health guidelines, like sexually transmitted infections and contraceptive barriers), [should] be engaged in each time and during a sexual meetup,” Cooper states.
You might not want to engage in oral sex, for example, or feel less comfortable snapping pics or recording videos during the escapades. However you feel, speak up, and always make sure there’s mutual consent.
Create outside-of-the-bedroom boundaries
Setting these can help “eradicate what might lead to an emotional attachment,” explains Ryan, who suggests it’s important to think about factors such as whether you sleep over afterward or go for dinner beforehand and how you communicate between your hookups.
Ensure you’re both in it for the right reasons
In some instances, one partner goes into a friends with benefits relationship hoping it will evolve into something more. However, harboring these beliefs can lead to disappointment and upset that potentially ends your friendship entirely — so venture into this sexual territory only if you’re on the same page about how you feel toward each other.
Talk, talk, talk
“In any type of sexual relationship, no matter what the definition is, communication is key,” says Gillian Myhill, sex and relationship adviser and co-founder of the Bare. Dating app. “Ensure you’re always on the same page — frequently take each other’s ‘emotional temperature’. Feelings can and do change.”
Don’t let it become top priority
An FWB relationship is great for releasing pent-up sexual energy and having a bit of fun, but don’t let it hold you back in the real world.
“If you want to meet someone in the long term and emotionally invest in a relationship that is significant to you, and the friends with benefits situation is taking up way too much time and energy, look at scraping that back,” Ryan says.
Agree when to stop
“Have a conversation about the duration they see this going on for,” suggests Ryan.
“Is it until you meet somebody else, or is it until you’re exclusive with someone else? It’s also about communicating what we would do if one of us catches feelings,” Ryan says. Having this discussion will help ensure you’re both prepared for any developments and can navigate your way through them.
If you want to make friends with benefits work, look at the good and the bad. In addition to blurred boundaries and mixed messages, it’s essential to be aware of other challenges that could prevent your casual sex arrangement from staying healthy, safe, and fun.
Keeping in good health
It’s vital to look after your physical well-being as well as your mind. In 2019, there were 2.6 million cases of sexually transmitted infections (STIs). Currently, rates of chlamydia, gonorrhea, and syphilis are at an all-time high.
Practicing sex with a barrier method — using condoms and undergoing regular STI testing — is essential. And remember: “There are many STIs that can be spread through oral sex, so using a condom is not going to protect you completely,” Myhill notes.
Navigating social situations
It usually isn’t long before you introduce a new romantic partner to friends and family. But what’s the deal when it comes to socializing alongside a friend with benefits? “It all depends on your level of comfort,” states Ryan, and “the situation between the two people. ”
You may already be in the same social circle, and everyone is aware of what’s going on, or it may be something you want to keep private. Again, communicate and set those boundaries.
When three’s a crowd
Ensure you’re in agreement about friends with benefits exclusivity. Are you each other’s only casual partner, or does one of you have several?
Either way, “this should be communicated when you begin this kind of relationship,” Myhill says. Not only is this respectful and honest, but it also helps preserve your sexual health and prevents boundaries from being crossed.
If one wants more
Because of oxytocin, developing feelings for someone is easier than you might expect. But those feelings might not be returned, which can make it tougher for all involved.
“[It] can often sting more painfully, because the partner who falls in love hadn’t expected to, and the partner who isn’t reciprocating can feel guilty or blamed,” says Cooper.
At this point, the kindest thing for both partners to do is walk away. “If you’ve said that you’d like to progress this further and they don’t, it’s really [about] stepping into your power, having the confidence to know your worth, and knowing that you’re not just a plaything,” Ryan says.
A friends with benefits relationship can be complex, but it doesn’t have to be entirely off-limits. You just have to be aware of your emotional limits, the expectations versus reality, and the potential challenges. Also, know the importance of setting boundaries
Everyone’s experience looks different, and what works for some might not be so great for others. Ultimately, “there are so many layers to consider,” says Ryan — meaning it’s not something to jump into without giving a second thought.
“I think anyone can do it, as long as you’re fully prepared and aware of the best and worst outcomes,” she continues. “It’s [about] having the tools in one’s box to realize that this might not work out the way you foresee it to.”
How to Initiate a Friends with Benefits Situation
Illustration by Alicia Tatone
Culture
Without, you know, blowing up your entire social life.
By Sophia Benoit
Barbecue sauce is to thank for my first friends-with-benefits situation. One night, I was extolling the virtues of Sweet Baby Ray’s—I come from St. Louis, where citizens consume almost twice as much barbecue sauce per capita as the average person—and I claimed that I would eat barbecue sauce off someone’s dick. (I’m cringing, too, don’t worry.) “In fact,” I lamented, “why don’t people incorporate barbecue sauce in the bedroom more? Why is it only chocolate sauce?”
After a bit, we moved on from barbecue sauce, but later that night I got a text from one of my friends saying, “Were you serious about the barbecue sauce thing?” I scrambled to figure out which part of my pro-sauce soliloquy he was referring to. (If you are ever going to ask a woman to be your FWB in this exact same way, please be more specific than this guy was. ) Eventually he not-so-smoothly brought up barbecue sauce and dicks, which led to us joking around and him saying, “haha we should do that sometime.” Reader: We did not do that. But the text did open the door for us to fuck, which was the actual goal of the whole conversation. Bless you, Sweet Baby Ray’s.
It’s a hard conversation to have. There’s a risk—more perceived than real—that you’ll irrevocably ruin a friendship and be branded as a massive weirdo if you admit you’d be down to hook up with a friend of yours. I’ve had a few friends-with-benefits situations, and I can tell you that no one way of bringing this up is going to make you feel like you’re not doing something potentially disastrous. But let me also assure you that it’s normal to want casual sex; a lot of people are going to be similarly thrilled with the idea. And the ones who aren’t? They probably aren’t going to be scandalized by it. Unless you’re hanging out with a lot of practicing Mennonites, you’re probably not going to ruin a friendship by respectfully suggesting a low-key bone sesh. I’m just going to tell you how to do it the right way.
WHEN
A friends-with-benefits talk should happen only after sex has already happened once—asking before there’s been any mutual acknowledgement of sexual interest is a bit too bold, and is more likely to land you in an uncomfortable situation. You can suggest casual sex with a friend you’ve been flirting with (just make your expectations clear), but the ongoing agreement of a sex relationship can’t happen until you’ve already boned once. Otherwise, it’s like saying, “We should do this again” before the first date.
Conversely, you also can’t sleep with someone six times and then just assume they’re on the same page simply because you guys keep having sex. Up-front communication is key in a friends-with-benefits relationship, if only to prevent thornier conversations later. After the first time you fuck a friend, the next chance you get to talk to them while clothed, bring it up. You can say something straightforward like “Hey, I had a lot of fun the other night and would love to do that again, but I should be clear that I’m thinking more of a friends-with-benefits situation rather than dating. No big deal if you’re not into that, though, just wanted to be up front!” Don’t make it some weird diatribe about how you’re not ready for a relationship or can’t give them enough emotionally. No one wants to take on that information from a FWB.
HOW
Jokes are your friend here. The more playful and flirty you can be, the better. If someone jokes about being willing to eat a condiment off of a dick, they’ve given you a gift, and that gift is: You can now bring up sex in a low-key way. One trick of adulthood I’ve learned is if you treat something like Not a Big Deal, other people will follow suit. If you sit someone down and tell them solemnly that you want to propose something to them, and then that something is access to your dick, not only are they probably going to say no, but now you’ve made it weird. However, if you’re casual and confident (you can fake these) about it, you’ll set the tone. This will make it a lot easier to turn down your offer. Feel free to poke fun at the situation; something like “I know this is a total cliché, but I’m not really dating seriously right now, and as gross as the phrase is, what do you think about a friends-with-benefits situation?” This at least acknowledges that there isn’t a good way to go about asking someone to fuck but not date.
One way to help yourself is to make it known among your friend group that you’re looking for something casual, and to be open about it when it comes up. Don’t interject the idea into every conversation, but if people ask about your relationship status, especially if it’s in front of a person you’re interested in being FWB with, be honest. “I wish I could find a no-strings-attached thing right now, because work is too crazy to commit to someone.” There’s a chance this opens the door to you and the person you want to bang talking about casual sex, which is the #1 easiest way to transition into sleeping with each other.
Finding a friend with benefits is one of the only acceptable uses of Tinder, and when you do match with a friend you’re interested in, actually message them, for the love of God. Tinder just did 98 percent of the guesswork for you, so tackle the final step and set it up. Reach out with a “Oh, hey there, this is crazy” or an inside joke if you have one, wait ’til she responds, and then ask her to get a drink sometime. Don’t initiate things that seem like dates. (If you don’t know by now, dinner = relationship and drink = fuck.) Keep it casual, and don’t buy dinner for your friends with benefits.
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WHO
Who to approach is almost as important as the how. Of course, you should be attracted to someone you’re sleeping with—that’s pretty much the bare minimum—but some people are smarter choices than others. An ex, for example, is a catastrophic idea in almost all cases, and ditto for anyone you consider a close friend. When there’s both a sexual and an emotional relationship, it’s only a matter of time before someone’s brain realizes you two are basically dating. You can eat a tortilla and ground beef separately if you want; it doesn’t mean you didn’t eat a taco.
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The phrase “friends with benefits” is a bit of a misnomer—it’s more like “friendly with benefits. ” Who you really ought to look for is someone more friend-adjacent. Someone you see at big group gatherings but who isn’t coming to your place every week to watch Great British Bake Off already. GBBO Girl is already part of your emotional support network; drafting her to your fuck roster is a no-no. You want someone who has never seen you cry at the end of Click. The pros of finding someone a little further out of orbit are manifold.
First, it’s going to be easier and less awkward to bring up sex stuff to them. The stakes of flirting with an acquaintance are much lower than trying to casually tell your best friend you've always thought about boning her, which will likely result in her questioning whether you guys were ever friends at all. The most ideal FWB situation is someone you haven’t seen in a few years whom you used to be close with. It has the benefit of past intimacy, plus current distance. Second, any potential fallout is a lot less likely to blow up your whole friend group or ruin a once-solid friendship.
WHY
This is short but important: Never get into a friends-with-benefits relationship with someone you’ve always wanted to date, or someone you have a crush on. You’re courting disaster. Also: Don’t get involved with someone who you know—or think—has a crush on you if you don’t feel the same way. While many relationships have started as FWB, this should not be the goal for either of you.
When you bring up being FWB, you also have to lay down some boundaries. Are you going to see each other outside of hooking up? Are you sleeping with other people? (While it may seem obvious to you that FWB isn’t exclusive, don’t assume that the other person is on the same page.) Establish that if either of you wants more—or less—at any point, you’re welcome to walk away, and you guys will make every effort to return to being friends just like before. People often worry about things “being weird” after a FWB relationship ends, but you both have the power to be mature and fake it until the proverbial point where you “make it” and the memory of the five times you hooked up a few summers ago is distant.
Daunting though they may seem, FWB relationships are worth it. People like to say they “never work out,” but first of all, they do. Many people have had a friend with benefits, and they’re a great way to get fun, safe, and quality sex if you aren’t in a good place in your life for a relationship. But also, nothing works out. Dating doesn’t work out. Being single doesn’t work out. Being married doesn’t work out. Avoiding relationships because they won’t “work out” is foolish and impossible, ultimately. So go for it. Shoot your shot. Sleep with your friend.
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Read MoreProfit - Human Psychology
Observe profit everywhere - this is the life rule of common sense.
Luc de Clapier Vauvenargues
The desire for profit, as one of the types of pleasure, is a rather strong motivating factor for a person. It influences many of his decisions and actions, determines the life goals and plans of a person, affects his satisfaction with himself and his life. Therefore, from a psychological point of view, this topic is quite interesting and important for us. It is interesting primarily because by understanding how a person understands the benefit and in what ways he strives for it, you can not only explain his behavior in various situations and calculate it, but also influence it in the right way. And it is important mainly for the reason that understanding this issue, we ourselves can extremely competently pursue our interests and goals, avoiding unnecessary and stupid mistakes. Therefore, let's look at everything related to profit in this article from a variety of angles in order to properly understand this topic.
What is a benefit
It's really not easy to define a benefit. First of all, because it is not always possible to calculate this very benefit with the utmost accuracy. This means that in this matter it is necessary to focus not on general concepts, but on more specific ones. Let's try to do this. Benefit is something useful, necessary for life. This is her first property. It can also be said that a benefit is something that a person can get on special conditions, for example, by spending less time and energy than usual in such situations, or not spending them at all. Or when you get something you need, valuable, useful, on more attractive terms than most other people. This will be our second benefit property. It also needs to be added that the benefit is what you can get at the time you need [the cost of a spoon for dinner]. After all, what you needed today, what you really needed, tomorrow you may not need at all. Or what you do not need now, may be very necessary later. Or what was useful for you yesterday is no longer useful today. In general, everything useful should be in time, in place. This we will do with you the third benefit property. And it can and should be said that, in relation to some cases, the benefit is when you get more than you give. Naturally, you get something that is necessary, useful for you, what you need, and not some nonsense. And the less you give and the more you receive, the higher your benefit. This is the fourth benefit property. Well, let's add a fifth. And I consider it a person receiving something that can really improve his life, and not just give it a beautiful shade. That is, useful, really should be useful. This is when we receive or save some vital resources and thanks to this we really change ourselves or our lives for the better.
For example, I consider useful, and, therefore, profitable, not a cheaply expensive thing, but a necessary thing bought cheaply or at an adequate price, even a necessary one. Adequate in this case will be such a price that will allow a person to part with an equivalent amount of resources that he needs, expressed in money or in something else, that he acquires. In other words, a person gives something he needs for the sake of another something he needs, in an amount that, in terms of significance and costs, is at least equivalent. And with a particularly successful combination of circumstances, given to them will be less valuable and necessary for him than acquired. That is, if he gives less than he receives, this can be considered a very profitable deal. Here is such a long, complicated, but quite accurate definition of benefit, I can give you. I would make it shorter and simpler, but given the importance of this issue, it cannot be approached in a simplistic way. Therefore, please treat this with understanding. Your benefit, friends, must be very, very well understood. Otherwise, you will not be able to competently pursue it.
Let's give another derivative term a brief definition. Beneficial means what is necessary [necessary] and at the same time easily obtained. By easily obtained, I mean using fewer resources than acquired.
Deeper understanding of benefits
To reap benefits, you need to have a good understanding of what benefits are in many forms. This understanding should not be superficial and based on one or two criteria. You need to look at different sides. Let's consider the most important of them. We all know that there are resources in this life, both tangible and intangible, that are useful for a person. What does useful mean? This means that they allow us to satisfy some of our needs, mostly vital ones, the need to satisfy which is obvious. Otherwise, the benefit may be illusory. And in order to get these resources, a person, as a rule, needs to make some kind of effort, putting in which he spends time and energy [burns calories]. Time is a very valuable resource, so you should always remember that spending it on one thing, you do not immediately spend it on something else, potentially more important. Well, energy, calories that a person burns when doing something, is an easily measurable material resource. We are all made of flesh and blood, so our work is reflected in the state of our body. So, when we talk about profit, we start from these two main resources [time and energy] that we can save by trying to get something. All other resources are a consequence of the costs of these two. For example, the money with which we can buy something is the result of the time we spent on their extraction and some amount of energy.
So, in order to understand your benefit, it is important to first understand how much time and energy someone spent on creating what you want to receive, and how much energy and time you spent to make it something valuable and useful for you to receive. It would be logical to argue that if the time and energy resources you spent are less than the similar resources spent by someone else to create what you get, then you can already begin to admit the likelihood that you are really dealing with something beneficial to you. But, here it is still important to take into account the need for you of what you get in order to increase the indicated probability. After all, even if a lot of time and effort was spent on what you get, this does not mean that you need it. Roughly speaking, not every complex and expensive thing at a low price is profitable. For example, you can buy an obsolete computer model that was built with a lot of time and effort from several people. And it turns out that they spent much more energy and time than the time and energy that you spent on earning money for which you buy this model. But at the same time, this old computer will not perform the tasks you need or will do it very poorly, inefficiently. Then such a purchase can not be called profitable. Do you agree?
Therefore, you still need to somehow assess the usefulness and relevance of what you get in order to be able to talk about benefits. Time and energy are already taken into account. This can be done by matching the task before you, the resource that you want to purchase to solve it. Let's go back to the computer example. Let's say you buy yourself a computer to solve some specific tasks and you don't need anything extra, no additional meaningless bells and whistles. The question immediately arises: what kind of tasks are you going to solve? You must define them without forgetting anything and without adding anything superfluous to them, from among those very unnecessary bells and whistles. Then you need to think about how long you will solve these tasks before new tasks are added to them that require additional computing power. After all, it is quite possible that in the near or distant future you will no longer need to solve these particular tasks, you will have some other tasks and it makes sense to take the technique taking into account these future tasks so that it will be useful to you in the long run. Looks logical, doesn't it? Not really. After all, it is quite possible that in the future, more convenient and affordable equipment will appear to solve these future problems. And you will overpay for such parameters of your computer that you could purchase in the future on much more favorable terms. Do you understand what calculations need to be done here? They are not entirely specific and accurate, because we are talking about the future, which you cannot look into, but you need to predict it, thinking about your benefit here and now.
It turns out that you need to evaluate the acquired resource in a temporal context in order to be sure that it is beneficial for you, in some particular configuration. And there is also a comparison, also a very important process, without which it is impossible to evaluate your benefit. You need to compare what you want to buy, the same computer, or rather, the offer with which you want to buy it, with other similar offers. If one person offers it to you on the same terms, then another person may offer the same computer on better terms. And how many such other people with such a proposal can be? And how much time and effort will you need to find and compare these offers? All this must be taken into account. Or maybe even the computer itself makes sense to compare with other devices, for example, it makes sense to compare a desktop PC with a laptop or tablet computer. It may be that another device is better suited for your purposes, not the one that you planned to purchase initially. And this device can be cheaper, more convenient, more reliable, affordable for modernization. See how many things you need to consider in order to calculate your benefit. And these are just the most obvious criteria for evaluating the profitability of something, there are many others. Having done this work, you will get an idea of what, for what and under what conditions you are acquiring. Without this broad understanding of the deal, it will be difficult to talk about its profitability or disadvantage.
Profitable people
People occupy a special place in the topic we are considering. It is through and through them that you can get the most out of anything. Man, in my opinion, is the most valuable resource in this world. Without people, all other resources will cease to be of the same high value as they are now, when they are used by people for living together. And in addition to this, our life is arranged in such a way that we always depend on each other to one degree or another. Therefore, each person, and for me, as a psychologist and humanist, each of us is a person and represents a certain value, can be beneficial. Of course, there are clearly useful and therefore beneficial people who create, create, help others and, in particular, you, and most importantly, who have the opportunity to help, that is, who have certain resources, abilities, and power. It is pleasant to be with such people, it is interesting to communicate with them and it is profitable to be friends with them. But I want to draw your attention to the other side of the relationship to people, which also determines their profitability.
There are people whose benefits are not obvious and therefore they seem unprofitable and uninteresting. And from some people, at first glance, it does more harm than good. Therefore, such people are not particularly drawn to, few people need them. But in fact, they can also be useful and beneficial, but only if you, let's say, use them correctly, if you find a suitable use for them. The fact is that each person is good in his place, each plays a role or can play it, which is of value in certain matters. And if you are looking for benefits in people, in order to be more successful in this matter, you need to be able to find not only clearly beneficial people for you who can benefit you, but also find the right use for the people around you already. Each of them can also be useful to you in some way. And you need to understand exactly what.
A big problem for most people is their often hopeless attempts to use other people for purposes for which they are not intended. It's like buying a cheap car and trying to make it a premium car. And instead of using a person for the purpose to which he corresponds, they are trying to remake him for other, often impossible tasks for him. And it is difficult to remake a person, to re-educate, especially if he himself does not want it. Although, in fairness, we say that it is possible. But it makes sense to do this only in exceptional cases, when you are ready to spend a lot of time and effort on this work. People, of course, lend themselves to education and training, so if you work with them, you can change them in many places. But teaching and educating does not mean breaking a person, putting pressure on him and disfiguring his psyche, because of which he may stop showing any activity at all. Education and upbringing is a very complex process, this should always be remembered. If you don't know how to do it, don't try. Otherwise, instead of taking advantage of people, you will only make enemies for yourself. Proper use of a person implies, first of all, finding the right use for him. And if you teach him, then do it in such a way that he himself shows interest in learning and you do not need to constantly monitor him. Otherwise, you risk spending more resources on this task than you intend to acquire. Thus, people can be profitable when they are in their place, in a role suitable for them.
In some cases, the easiest solution to benefit from people is simply to find the right person for the task. We do not live on a desert island, there are a lot of people around most of us, and very different ones, and each person is good in some way and useful in some way. You just need to think carefully about what you get or can get from a relationship with this or that person, what benefit can be brought to you by someone who is already close to you or with whom you can easily establish contact. After all, in order to benefit from people, you need to somehow contact them. There is a classic idea of profitable people - these are people who can have a lot of something useful and necessary for us. For example, we can talk about a rich person with whom it is beneficial to be friends or live, about a person with great power and connections, who can help in many ways, and so on. All this benefit is not so difficult to see, it is obvious. And when the benefit is obvious, many seek it. Therefore, not everyone can get it. You can try to make contact with such a person, but other people can also try to do this. So, you will compete with them in this matter. Which is not always justified.
Many people are happy to come to everything ready. Yes, but not many people make it. But in order to see the potential in this or that person, and even help him realize it, help him take his place in this world, a worthy place, and only then benefit from his connection with him, only a few are already capable of this. As I said above, all people can be beneficial, only one of them needs to find the right application, and others need help to realize themselves. And if you learn to do this, you will be able to benefit from all people without exception, especially from those who are nothing yet, but in the future can achieve a lot. And as long as other people do not notice the benefits around them, in the face of such promising people, but instead will push each other in an attempt to establish connections with an already established person, you will be able to use it without any competition.
Material benefits
Material benefits are any physical benefits, resources, values that a person can receive on special conditions that are inaccessible to most other people. For example, he can get something with less time and energy, or get something that other people cannot get. A benefit that is physically tangible may look more attractive than, say, an intangible benefit or a benefit related to relationships with people, which is simply harder to see and understand. Material values can be touched, twisted, tasted, thereby making sure of their truth. However, intangible benefits, which will be discussed below, often precede material benefits. For example, there is a real material value in the form of some kind of property that a person can take possession of on favorable terms. Suppose he can buy at a bargain price [below the usual] real estate - an apartment, a house. And there are intangible values in the form of the same knowledge, skills, talents [that can be developed], useful connections with which you can take possession of material values, the same real estate, on very favorable terms [not available to everyone]. That is, we are talking about the ability to receive material benefits with the help of intangible values.
Non-material benefit
It can be seen from the above that non-material benefits are non-material values that a person can receive under the same special conditions. For example, we can talk about useful free advice, having received which, a person can make the right decision, take the necessary actions in order to acquire something or avoid something. He can acquire some material values and avoid problems. There is one indisputable advantage in non-material benefit - not all people can see and understand it, and therefore not everyone strives for it. The same knowledge, time, skills, as the most valuable resources in this world, not every person can appreciate. They cannot be touched, twisted, twisted, tasted, disassembled, assembled, they can even be difficult to measure, although we have watches for the same time, but not all of them can measure. For example, you can’t look into the future with their help and you won’t know what is better to spend your time on. Therefore, these values are not obvious to everyone, not clear to everyone.
Let's take such a most valuable non-material resource as knowledge - how can a person evaluate their usefulness or uselessness? On the one hand, they must be put into practice in order to be convinced of their value. Or you can look at how other people use them and what they lead to. On the other hand, before you get and use this or that knowledge, it is difficult for you to understand its benefit for you. You may have a lot of this knowledge, but it may be outdated, incomplete, inaccurate, deliberately distorted. And the experience of other people will not help to evaluate them, because this experience can not always be studied thoroughly enough. For example, you can read the biography of some famous person who writes or is written for him, how he achieved success in life, but there will be no less fiction in this biography than the truth. Well, who wants to write the pure truth about themselves, in which not only noble, courageous and smart deeds will be described. Therefore, in this sense, non-material resources, in particular, knowledge, are difficult to understand and evaluate. And that's why not all people aspire to them. But if you can correctly calculate the intangible benefit in order to determine its value to you well enough, then it will give you a great advantage over other people and will be much more useful to you than the material benefit. A simple example: give a stupid person a lot of money that he himself has never earned, and with a high degree of probability he will spend it all for nothing, and quite quickly. Or even worse, he will also cause harm to himself with their help, feeling freedom and going into all serious trouble. And a smart person does not need to give anything, he himself will find an opportunity to earn and increase any amount of money [adequate to his current capabilities], and at the same time protect it from encroachment by anyone. What makes him do it? Thanks to your mind, that is, an intangible resource. In this sense, non-material benefits are more reliable, more durable, more stable, stronger, more useful than material ones, because the same knowledge and skills can be used by a person in many situations to get everything he needs.
Or let's consider such a resource as health, without which all other resources lose their meaning. Is it beneficial to be healthy? The answer is obvious. But how to evaluate this resource, as tangible or intangible? On the one hand, if we talk about somatic health, then we are talking about the physical body of a person, therefore, about a material object. And mental health cannot exist outside the body. But, on the other hand, in many ways, human health, both physical and mental, depends on his ability to follow him, that is, on an intangible resource in the form of knowledge, understanding, awareness. The smarter a person is, the more seriously he takes his health. Therefore, the intangible benefit associated with health is the ability to find the best ways to preserve and maintain it. If a person harms his health, then he does not understand something, does not know how, does not know. If he, faced with health problems, relies on specialists [doctors] in everything, then he does not know how to pursue his own benefit in this matter, which consists in the ability to independently collect various information from various sources, including from various specialists, for deepest understanding of your problem. With this approach, no specialist will mislead this person, on purpose or because of their own incompetence. So we can say that a critical attitude to any help from other people, in this case related to the issue of health, is an intangible benefit. More precisely, one of its manifestations. For who knows what is in the mind of those to whom we entrust our health or something else. Therefore, trust, but, as far as possible, verify.
Calculating benefits
To calculate your benefits, you need to try to see connections between your actions and some results that are useful to you that other people do not see. This does not mean that the benefit cannot be public, but in most cases, what we consider to be beneficial must be exclusive to some extent. Because something very good cannot be available to everyone, otherwise it will turn from profitable into the norm. Let's say you found out where to buy bread at a bargain price, two times cheaper than usual, and you take advantage of this opportunity - this will be a benefit for you. Provided, of course, that the other details of this proposal have not changed, for example, the quality of bread has not deteriorated. If such a price for bread becomes affordable for everyone, then even if it looks profitable, against the background of, say, average wages or prices for other goods, but due to the availability of such an offer, it will somehow be difficult to call it profitable. Such benefits do not need to be calculated. We all breathe the air for free, at least for now, can we then say that this is a benefit for us that we receive every day? Perhaps this is still the norm for most of us. That's why I'm talking about exclusivity.
Given the above, we can say the following: the calculation of benefits is to constantly look for special offers and compare them with each other in order to select the most profitable option. Sometimes the benefit finds the person, but that rarely happens. In most cases, it is necessary to look for it, choosing such options, such proposals that are more useful and necessary than others. In this search, and therefore in this calculation, you again use such criteria as energy costs, time costs and the need for you to get what you want. You can even think about what kind of competitive advantage you will get over other people in certain types of activities, areas of life, thanks to the acquisition of some kind of resource on certain conditions. And this will be your benefit. Something beneficial should give you more value than others. Therefore, I repeat, you need to see the connections between what you do or can do and what you can get through this activity. And to see this, you can study other people's experiences to understand what they benefited from. This is not the only option to see ways to get some kind of benefit, but the easiest and most affordable. The more examples of successful/unsuccessful transactions, connections, decisions you have in your head, the easier it will be for you to qualitatively analyze different situations, offers, conditions, opportunities.
What you definitely shouldn't do is to blindly agree to supposedly profitable offers from other people who, in this way, may try to profit at your expense. Good, of course, is offered in this life, but rarely and not always honestly. Therefore, look for hidden motives in other people's attractive offers. Advertising is the most illustrative example of such supposedly very profitable offers. She, judging by her messages, always offers something profitable, but in fact, in most cases, she herself benefits from consumers by selling them unnecessary and expensive things. I emphasize once again that I am not saying that no one will ever offer you anything beneficial in this life, and even that advertising cannot notify you of any offers that are beneficial to you. Because that's not always the case. Benefits can be everywhere. Today, marketing generally works according to this principle, when at first a lot is given to a person for free [much more profitable], and not just anything, but really something useful, valuable, well, for example, software, and only then something paid is offered . And at the same time, something useful paid is not always behind a useful free one. But nevertheless, behind a profitable offer, other people's interests are always hidden, which you need to know about in order to, contrary to the well-known saying, extract cheese from a mousetrap and not get caught. Something really useful and therefore profitable is simply not offered. Your benefit calculation should be based on your own analysis of this or that offer, and not on someone else's beautiful presentation. Profit is not something that hangs on a branch in front of your nose, although this happens, it is something that needs to be sought and obtained.
Another very important moment in the calculation of benefits refers to the person's conscious perception of information related to some offers, opportunities, conditions. What is important is all the unconscious moments in your decision, with the help of which you intend to get something valuable on good terms [benefit] to bring to light. To do this, you need to focus your attention on them, direct all your mental resources to thinking about these moments. The more you think about the details of your decision or the whole plan, the more you will see in it, including shortcomings, errors, and misconceptions. Sometimes things look too good to be true, or too bad not to be denied. I urge you to always look for the bad in the good, and the good in the bad, so that in one case you don’t make a mistake in calculating your benefit, and in another you don’t miss it. The image of your decision or the image of your plan must be complete. And it will be complete only when you see both positive and negative sides in it. There can be something always only good or bad, everything has its pluses and minuses. And in order to calculate your benefit, you need to evaluate and weigh both. That's why you need to bring to a conscious level all the details of your plan for obtaining benefits, so that, say, all the good in it does not overshadow all the bad. Otherwise, when a person is emotionally aroused by, say, a proposal that is very good at first glance, he does not see negative aspects in it and does not even want to see them and think about them. But then he learns that profitable, it turned out not so profitable. So it's better to know about it in advance.
It is important to remember that in most cases, people's behavior is driven by emotions. In other cases, reason is added to them, but the emotions themselves still remain, and they drive each of us. Therefore, everything that prompts you to make decisions and actions is based on emotions. This is not a problem for a person, the problem is the extreme that he falls into when he is in an emotional state. He can either only see the good when he is in a good mood, or only the bad when he is in a bad mood. If he is instilled with the idea that some offer is very profitable and he falls into euphoria, then he will cease to critically perceive any other aspects of this offer that raise doubts about its profitability. And if a person is instilled with the idea that something valuable and useful is actually harmful, even despite his own experience and the experience of other people who are well acquainted with him, he can refuse this valuable thing. Therefore, there is often no common sense in such situations when a person simply does not know what to believe, because he does not have enough information to make a well-considered decision. But on the other hand, in such situations, there can and should be a balance of emotions, so that at the moment of making a decision, a person admits the idea that there is no one hundred percent guarantee that his decision is correct, that he still risks, choosing something and refusing something . To do this, you need to add bad emotions to good emotions, thinking about the bad, and good ones to the bad ones, thinking, respectively, about the good. Then some balance of emotions will be achieved. The calculation of benefits in this case will be the more accurate, the better a person can understand their risks, thanks to this very balance of emotions.
Getting a benefit
Not every benefit can be calculated, not every benefit needs to be calculated, sometimes it is enough just to get it, already having a profitable offer in front of you. But this must be decided. Also, not every calculated benefit can be obtained, because in striving for it, you may encounter resistance from the external environment, and especially from other people who may strive for the same thing as you. Therefore, we must be ready for struggle and competition.
Let's consider situations when receiving a benefit is connected with making a bold decision by a person, or, as they say in such cases, when he just needs not to slow down. Suppose you want to benefit, for example, from some kind of transaction that you yourself initiated or someone offered it to you. On what does it depend, this benefit? On how useful and necessary for you will be what you can buy, right? The offer is already there, it just needs to be properly evaluated. For example, someone urgently needs to sell something, and you get the opportunity to purchase the goods sold by this someone at a low price, much lower than usual. It would seem that if the interests coincide, then what are the problems, it is necessary to conclude a deal and everyone will get what they want. But the fact of the matter is that they do not always coincide in the opinion of people who are faced with such a situation, since they, people, often think situationally and, based on the current situation, may think that they do not need this or that product. But a person right now may not need it, but then this product can be used. However, he is afraid to make a decision because he does not know what the future will be like and whether he will need the product in the medium or long term. Do you understand what's stopping you from making a profit? Fear. People want guarantees, they want to be sure of the correctness of their decision, not realizing that the benefit is often associated with risk and you need to be brave enough to take it.
What does a person want in order not to be afraid to make a decision? He wants confirmation of the correctness of this decision. He wants to know how other people acted in a similar situation and where it led them. That's right, it's really useful to check the potential benefit of a particular trade or the likelihood of making a mistake. I wrote about this above. But not every benefit can be obtained in this way, since the benefit is the benefit that, as I also wrote above, it is an exclusive offer. We can say that the more exclusive the offer, the more profitable it can be. Maybe, although not always. However, the bottom line is that something is available to you, some kind of offer that allows you to get something necessary and useful, while others do not, and this is your benefit. Therefore, in some situations, without risk, without independent forecasts for the future, you will not receive benefits. Your situation has no analogues or they are not known to you, so the entire responsibility for the decisions made in it is on you. In such cases, you are dealing with the unknown, which is either worth messing with or not. If I had known how it would be, I would have acted in such and such a way - what is the use of such a subjunctive mood? In hindsight, we are all strong. And the benefit requires, among other things, the ability to make competent forecasts that will allow you to get it, without knowing anything about the possible consequences.
Conclusion: inability and lack of understanding of how one or another resource can be used in the future prevents one from benefiting from various non-standard and uncommon offers. This also applies to people. Suppose today you are not interested in some person, because you do not see any benefit for yourself in communicating with him and conclude that it is not profitable for you to be friends with him and maintain some kind of connection. And tomorrow he can achieve a lot in life, succeed in something, and it will be very profitable to be friends with him. But whether he wants to be friends with someone who once looked down on him and didn’t want to know him is hard to say. The benefit is not always obvious, and therefore not everyone can get it. And that's why she's so attractive.
Quantitative evaluation criterion
Very interesting from the point of view of the factor motivating to make a decision is the quantitative criterion for evaluating the profitability of something. His interest is that he often encourages people to make decisions that are not entirely beneficial for them. They, not fully understanding the usefulness and necessity of something, see the benefit in obtaining some kind of resource, resources in large quantities. People think that the more they get, the better. However, in many cases, quality is much more important than quantity, because it allows you to best satisfy a particular need. Qualitative criteria are operated by people who are very good at comparing various values, both material and virtual. For example, you can buy expensive, but high-quality, reliable boots that you won’t tear or stick out due to the first rain and wear them for a long time. Then you will not have to constantly buy yourself new shoes to replace the ones that have deteriorated, risking spending more money than buying better quality shoes. But what is especially important for business people, there will be no need to be distracted by this issue, to spend time on solving this problem, which will allow them to concentrate on other, more important matters. From this point of view, good, high-quality boots, even if they cost an order of magnitude more expensive, are more profitable to buy than cheap and low-quality ones, no matter how much they cost. Better one pair, but of high quality, than five or ten pairs, but bad, unreliable, with which problems will constantly arise.
If we talk about intangible values, we can give an example with knowledge. Some people think that the more they know, the better. This is partly true. It is useful to know a lot, but it is not always beneficial if you evaluate the benefit according to other criteria, for example, according to such a criterion as need. Not all knowledge is needed. You can have encyclopedic knowledge and explain a lot with it, or you can get the most important, the most necessary knowledge for life and even for a particular activity, knowledge that will help solve the most pressing problems for a person. For example, it can be knowledge about how to negotiate with different people, including the right people, or knowledge that helps a person arrange his personal life, or how to earn enough money, or how to improve his status, and so on. You will never know everything, so it is better to strive for the knowledge that is most in demand in everyday life. Why, say, know how the Drosophila fly reproduces if this knowledge cannot be applied? And, for example, knowing how to properly communicate with people so as not to conflict with them and get something from them is simply vital. Or why know such a foreign language, which few people speak, if you can learn a language popular all over the world and use it for various purposes? Therefore, from this point of view, it is beneficial not to read many different books, spending a lot of time on this occupation, but to carefully study a few of the best, most useful books that will teach you how to solve important life tasks. So a quantitative criterion for evaluating benefits is far from always appropriate, but according to my observations, many people use it in their quest to get benefits.
Lost profits
When people miss out on a benefit or think they have missed it, it can negatively affect their psychological well-being and lead them to suffering. Bad thoughts lead to a bad state. A person in such situations sees a loss for himself, and people experience losses very painfully. This problem is not that very common, but still quite serious if a person is faced with it. And in order to solve it and always solve it, it is important to learn to notice other opportunities that open up for a person in return for the missed ones. Even if there is no doubt that the lost profit was really a benefit, and not something less useful and necessary for a person, then all the same, another opportunity necessarily comes in the place of one. And not alone. Or, to put it more precisely, a person can always find such an opportunity or consider it from among those already available. Life constantly provides a person with various opportunities to get something on favorable terms, but people do not always notice it. Therefore, I repeat, the lost profit in one case opens up the opportunity to find and receive another benefit. If you are fully aware of this thought, then you will never suffer because you supposedly missed something, that the good is left in the past, which you cannot return.
The very idea that a person has missed his chance [the chance to gain] is in most cases wrong. Chances are always many, and they constantly arise. Therefore, it would be more correct to say that a person, if he worries and suffers because of something allegedly missed by him, simply does not notice anything else around him, which can also benefit him. All his thoughts revolve around what has left him [sometimes this opinion is completely erroneous], what he has lost and because of this he is not looking for a new benefit.
Helping such people cope with the pain they are experiencing, I always try to shake their attention as much as possible so that they do not narrow it down to thoughts of loss and missed chance, and with the help of leading questions I help them expand their perception and horizons. Thought must move forward, into the future, towards what can be achieved. Sometimes it can move in different directions, allowing a person to use what is already around him to improve his life. For the sake of this, after all, we are pursuing benefits in order to make our lives better. And the past can only be reviewed and rethought so that it does not hurt, and also used as lessons for the future, which is especially important. For there is nothing more valuable than one's own experience, in the truth of which a person can be completely sure, even if this experience is very poor. So it is best to get rid of painful thoughts about lost profits with the help of healing thoughts about future benefits, which you, dear readers, after reading this article, now know how to pursue. I wish you success in this matter.
9 types of friends to avoid
If you don't choose your family, you can choose friends, and this is their main advantage. True, not everyone takes advantage of this opportunity, thinking that friends cannot just be thrown away and found just like that. The main problem is that most people make friends out of habit, and not for reasons of benefit, pleasure and a real friendly atmosphere. So you got a friend from kindergarten, and you are friends with him, despite disagreements, constant betrayals and misunderstandings. But we hope that after reading this text you will understand that it is better not to make some friends at all, and to get rid of some old ones as soon as the opportunity arises. There are many bad people in the world, and among your friends there should not be such people.
If there is a person among your friends who constantly flatters you, then think about the motivation for his flattery. Why is he doing this? What is he striving for? Does he really appreciate your achievements and lifestyle, or does he want to benefit from your position? Most of the time it's about personal gain. Such people will easily stick a knife in your back when there is an opportunity to increase their social status or financial savings.
Better avoid those who circle around you for profit. Yes, their flattery is sweet, but absolutely useless. A good friend is someone who speaks honestly with you and can easily express complaints to you, if any.
Competitor
Competition is the engine of progress. But when competition enters the area of "friendly law", then friendship fades into the background, and even into the background. It is better not to be friends with competitors, because from such friendship the most notorious enemies are born.
Leech
Looks like a cheater, but explains his rotten behavior by the difficulties of life. Leeches always need a donor who will help them with their blood, and in your case - with money, attention, help. Such people constantly borrow, but rarely return the money. These "friends" do nothing but take advantage of your kindness. But when you yourself find yourself in need, they will not provide you with any help - this is a fact.
Imitator
Imitation is the most sophisticated form of flattery, but such flattery will not bring you pleasure. On the contrary, it will seem to you that pieces of skin are being torn off from you, your own “I” is being torn off. In a copycat friend, you will see a distorted reflection of yourself, which will cause disgusting feelings.
Selfish friend
Selfishness within reasonable limits has never been bad, but if selfishness extends to friendship, then nothing good will come of it. The selfishness of such friends will be visible to the naked eye. For example, they will insist on only going to places they like. They will rarely compromise, and if you deal with such friends, then it is better not to count on their loyalty: when they see the benefit, they will leave you without even thinking about some kind of friendship there.
Wild child
Dangerous and unstable type of friends who need not a friend, but a nanny, an older brother or a father. Such people constantly find trouble on their ass, and they always have to be rescued. Afterwards, they can thank you, promise that they will not get into this shit again, but do not hesitate: they will need your help very soon.
Whineers are never satisfied with what they have. This makes them related to ordinary pessimists, but, unlike them, whiners regularly complain about their life, work, relationship with their wife, the whole world, and this is very annoying. Not only is it annoying, it's also frustrating. Stay away from such people, because even after a half-hour conversation with them you will lose the whole day: you won’t want to do anything, even sleep.
Mood Killer
This comrade intentionally or unintentionally kills the mood as soon as he enters into a conversation with you - this is his superpower. As a rule, such people experience bouts of happiness when they find flaws in your personality, work, appearance, attitude to life. You will not hear anything positive from their lips - only caustic comments that will be deposited in your head in the form of depressing thoughts.
Psychopath
There are people whose mood can change at any second, and for unclear reasons. With such friends, you never know what to expect: they can be good at communicating, and the next moment they commit an offensive provocation.