Avoiding a narcissist

What Works and What Doesn’t

Written by Kara Mayer Robinson

You may wonder if your partner, co-worker, or family member is a narcissist. While many people have what doctors call narcissistic traits, like self-importance and entitlement (thinking they’re owed something), people diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder can be a bigger challenge.

“Living with a narcissist requires a different or more advanced emotional skill set,” says Kimberly Perlin, a licensed clinical social worker Towson, MD. She specializes in helping women in relationships with narcissists and also treats narcissists.

Having a narcissist in your life can be frustrating and emotionally challenging. Your relationship may revolve around them. You may feel judged and exhausted by their demands.

When she was a child, Carla Marie Manly, PhD, a clinical psychologist in Santa Rosa, CA, didn’t realize her older sibling was a narcissist. “Growing up with this highly controlling person was extremely challenging,” she says. “It was only in my adult years that I came to realize this sibling was a deeply troubled narcissist.”

How to Spot a Narcissist

Narcissists have a strong sense of grandiosity. That means they think they’re more important than others and often seek out admiration.

One of Perlin’s clients is a perfect example. “A client I worked with for years terminated therapy with me when he saw my new website and was insulted that the website didn’t talk about him,” she says.

Narcissists often:

Have a strong sense of grandiosity (they have high levels of self-esteem, self-importance, self-confidence, and often feel like they’re superior to others)
Are arrogant
Take advantage of others to get what they want
Believe they’re unique or special
Exaggerate achievements and talents
Need constant admiration
Feel envy toward others
Believe others envy them
Lack empathy
Are obsessed with fantasies of brilliance, power, or success
Have a sense of entitlement

Narcissists and Relationships

Manly learned a lot about narcissists from her older sibling and her experiences working with them. “I’ve learned that narcissists are the focus of their own lives. They often believe they’re perfect and blame others for issues that arise at work, home, or social situations.” she says.

Narcissists may do whatever it takes to get what they want. They generally don’t feel compassion and can’t connect intimately with others, even the people who are closest to them.

At work, a narcissist may seek admiration, even if it hurts others. They may take credit for other people’s work, undermine co-workers, or change their behavior to get approval from higher-level people. They may seem friendly and hard-working, but there’s often more to it than meets the eye.

At home, a narcissist can impact the whole family. If you’re in an intimate relationship with a narcissist, they may be highly critical of you, distant, and dismissive. You could feel invisible, disrespected, and lonely. If you’re a child of a narcissist, you may have been neglected or abused.

Sometimes it’s best to cut ties with a narcissist, especially if they’re abusive.

“For my own mental health, I’ve chosen to step back from investing in a personal relationship with my sibling,” Manly says. She accepts that her sibling doesn’t see their behavior as a problem and since her sibling has no desire for self-growth, an ongoing relationship will only lead to more frustration.

If you’re in a relationship with a narcissist, expect it to be challenging. “Buckle up, it will be a very bumpy ride,” says Forrest Talley, PhD, a clinical psychologist in Folsom, CA. “It will be an extraordinarily taxing relationship.”

What to Do With a Narcissist

Take these steps to handle a narcissist:

Educateyourself. Find out more about the disorder. It can help you understand the narcissist’s strengths and weaknesses and learn how to handle them better. Knowing who they are may also allow you to accept the situation for what it is and have realistic expectations.

Create boundaries. Be clear about your boundaries. It may upset or disappoint the narcissist, but that’s OK. Remember, it’s not your job to control that person’s emotions, Perlin says.

Speak up for yourself. When you need something, be clear and concise. “Make sure they understand your request, Perlin says.

Watch your wording. Narcissists don’t take constructive criticism well, Manly says. Try to make comments in careful, positive ways.

Stay calm. Try not to react if they try to pick a fight or gaslight you (making you doubt your own reality). If they lash out, think of them as a 3-year-old who feels rejected because their parent sets a bedtime, Talley says.

Create a support system. Living with a narcissist can lead to feelings of insecurity, confusion, and self-doubt. “Make sure you have a core group of people in your life that can support you,” Talley says.

Bring in a counselor. Therapy won’t cure your partner’s narcissism, but it may help you work certain things out. A counselor can show you ways to approach problem-solving with the narcissist.

What Not to Do With a Narcissist

Certain things may trigger problems with a narcissist, so it’s best to avoid them.

Don’t argue or confront. Manly finds it’s best not to confront a narcissist directly. As difficult as it may be to constantly tiptoe around them, it can be better to manage their need to feel in charge.

Don’t try to direct them. Narcissists like to have control and often fear losing it. “Efforts to lead or instruct a narcissist will often fail,” Manly says.

Don’t expect them to see your point of view. Narcissists don’t like to admit when they’re wrong or that they’re unlovable, so trying to make them see things your way could backfire.

Don’t expect deep, meaningful communication. “Narcissists have very little empathy, so honest, heartfelt communication often doesn’t get through and can even create an angry outburst or shutdown response,” Manly says.

Don’t go over past issues. Don’t try to make them see a long line of behavior dating back years -- or how they’re just like their father, for example, Perlin says. Instead, stay in the present when you express requests or hurt feelings.

People with narcissistic personality disorder usually don’t change, so keep that in mind. Even if you learn to manage your relationship better, it probably won’t ever be a healthy relationship.

10 Things Not to Do with Narcissists

Source: Prazis Images/Shutterstock

Narcissists follow different norms than most people. Once you recognize these norms and understand what lies beneath them, you can cope with narcissistic people more successfully.

Here are 10 “don’ts” for dealing with narcissists:

1. Don’t give them ammunition.

Narcissists need to feel superior. Anything you share with narcissists may eventually be used to humiliate or manipulate you, particularly when you are most vulnerable or in need. Be mindful about what you reveal.

2. Don’t take them at face value.

Image is everything to narcissists. Narcissists lie easily and often seem entirely convinced of even their most preposterous lies. They work tirelessly to present a perfect, shining facade. Yet underneath, people with narcissism often feel empty and illegitimate. We can have compassion for narcissists’ wounds yet not be taken in by their pretenses. All that glitters is not gold.

Source: Cookie Studio/Shutterstock

3. Don’t try to justify or explain yourself.

Narcissists often put others on the defensive with pointed questions or sarcasm, posturing as though you must explain yourself to them. You need not justify your feelings or explain your thoughts. The more you do, the more you are at risk for them gaslighting you to induce self-doubt. Defending yourself to narcissists is generally a waste of time. Narcissists tend to be interested in winning, not listening; self-promoting, not communicating.

4. Don’t minimize their outrageous behavior.

Narcissists’ self-absorbed behavior and need for attention can take up all the emotional oxygen in the room. Over time, people around narcissists may become inured and fail to recognize how unhealthy narcissistic behavior can be.

Let's be clear: Deceiving, manipulating, and humiliating others is unhealthy and wrong. At times it may be best to let narcissists’ immature or provocative behaviors pass without comment, but that doesn’t mean you should fail to note, at least to yourself, how dysfunctional it is.

5. Don’t expect them to own their part.

Narcissists take credit and give blame. They do not apologize or admit responsibility. Seeking to get narcissists to be accountable for unhealthy behavior can be a waste of time. Narcissists believe they have more rights than others and have little interest in introspection. They love to look at their accomplishments, successes, or "special" talents, but fear looking within or owning their mistakes.

If you want to hold them accountable, fine—but do so because you need to say it, not because you expect they will ever hear or validate your concerns.

6. Don’t try to beat them at their own game.

It may be tempting, but remember: Narcissists have spent a lifetime perfecting a campaign of self-aggrandizement. They carry out more manipulative actions in a week than most people do all year. Narcissists have a mortal fear of feeling humiliated or inferior. As a result, they devote massive energy to cultivating sources of ego-boosting, generally at others’ expense.

Trying to beat them in a war of words or adopt their techniques is akin to an amateur going up against a seasoned pro. It won’t feel good, and it rarely works. Instead, be you and be true to your values.

Source: Aleutie/Shutterstock

7. Don’t expect loyalty.

Many people are stunned at how quickly and easily narcissists cast off others when the narcissist feels his or her needs are unmet. Narcissists view others as sources of gratification, not as equals. They use language as tools and weapons rather than to convey truth. This comes from a shaky sense of self which gives their needs and fears a life-or-death quality. Expecting loyalty from people who are in it only for themselves is counterproductive. Depending on narcissists for important needs is a prescription for disappointment.

8. Don’t personalize what they do.

Narcissists tend to view others as either potential threats or potential victims. They seek advantage over everybody. While their worst mistreatment is often reserved for those closest to them, nobody is immune from narcissists’ manipulations.

If you take what narcissists do personally, you grant them real estate in your mind and psyche—which is exactly what they seek. Narcissists will target anyone who happens across their path. It’s not personal; it's just what they do.

9. Don’t expect empathy.

A hallmark of narcissism is a lack of empathy. Empathy is based on the assumption that others are worthy and deserve equal attention and compassion. Does that sound like something a narcissist would believe? Their sense of entitlement leaves them feeling little interest in playing fair or reciprocating. Their grandiosity leads them to see others as inferior and therefore undeserving of compassion.

Rather than expecting empathy and reciprocity from a narcissist, focus on respecting yourself and honoring your needs and rights.

10. Don’t underestimate the power of narcissism.

Narcissism is a deep distortion in one’s sense of self. A narcissist’s life is about gaining “narcissistic supply”: attention, wealth, power, control, sexual conquest, and more. They have a bottomless hunger and need to be endlessly fed.

Furthermore, while people with Narcissistic Personality Disorder or a strong narcissistic style may alter some behaviors over time, the psychological dynamics of narcissism generally last a lifetime.

Hoping narcissists will change is a setup. Recognizing that narcissists are caught in an endless quest for attention and approval can free you from false expectations and allow you to set healthy boundaries.

We can have compassion for the struggles and limitations of people with narcissism. Yet compassion does not mean allowing others to hurt or take advantage of you. It is up to you to take care of yourself. That is not narcissism; that is healthy living.

A version of this blog originally appeared on psychcentral.com.

Kim Saeed. Silent Avoidance is a play on your fear of rejection

Fear of rejection. If it is not recognized, it can destroy your life; especially when you are in a relationship with a narcissist.

The narcissist uses this fear to constantly keep you restless, making you long for his return when he resorts to silent avoidance, and knows that he can do whatever he wants, and you will accept it with only a little displeasure. You could voice your disapproval of his behavior and explain how unacceptable it is for you, but refrain from commenting, and in reality the narcissist returns to your life, creating additional difficulties in it.

What many victims of narcissistic abuse mistake for love is actually a manifestation of their fear of rejection, which is exacerbated by the abuser's frequent use of silent avoidance, as well as devaluation and neglect. As a result, victims are constantly in a fight-or-flight state that is not obvious to them, but manifests itself in anxiety attacks, loss of appetite, or, conversely, attacks of bulimia, heart palpitations, sleep disturbances, mood swings, and terrible unreasonable fear and uncontrollable emotions. .

Persistent sadness and anxiety - an emotional reaction to the circumstances. It arose from earlier losses, rejections, and disappointments. You may be stuck in a phase of rejection grief related to earlier events that you don't even remember.

If you endure crippling low self-esteem from there and feel that you are constantly at risk of being abandoned, it is likely that you were traumatized in early childhood by being rejected by parents or other loved ones. Perhaps your parents or, what happened much later, your loved one left you. Since then, you feel like you are forever connected with emotionally unavailable people, facing loss and disappointment, as a result of which you doubt your own worth. When a narcissist resorts to silent avoidance, you don't know how long it will last, and you are ready to take the blame for the massacre committed against you, promising to do whatever he wants, as long as he is with you.

Each time the narcissist engages in silent avoidance, your injuries gradually build up. Over time, your self-esteem erodes and your fear of breaking up in the middle of a relationship grows. Despite the fact that other people behave with you responsibly, make friends with you, give you compliments, you cling to the approval of the narcissist, which constantly turns out to be unattainable.

Finally, the narcissist sticks to a new supplier (new girlfriend or friend) and uses you. This may happen suddenly without warning, or he will deceive you for a long time while seeking the love of a new person. You are left crushed, your sense of security and hope for the future crumbled. It seems to you that you will forever remain alone and will never find a new love.

Unfortunately, many victims of narcissistic abuse get stuck at this stage. Many also experience the loss of other important relationships because they are or have been rejected by their friends and family members due to their continued unavailability.
What you don't realize is that these are typical signs of being "rejected and abandoned" by the narcissist. Every person who has ever been a victim of emotional abuse knows these feelings that seem to fill their whole life. In fact, this is an innate fear, it is generated by the reaction of the amygdala and can manifest itself in any person. Have you ever seen a child who is furious that his mother left the room? Fear of rejection is a basic fear, which is why you go crazy when a narcissist resorts to silent avoidance. This feeling is so unpleasant because the brain does not see the difference between the end of an important relationship and the threat to our physical survival.

The child cries when his mother leaves the room, and our Inner Child reacts the same way in response to avoiding and leaving the narcissist. Our survival instincts do not recognize the fact that we are already adults and capable of ensuring our own survival.

Do you want me to tell you some good news? These involuntary reactions can be controlled with conscious effort. Including (but not limited to):
• Break patterns of attachment to an emotionally unavailable partner.
• Study the dynamics of emotional regression.
• Understand that much of the torment we experience during this phase stems from the depths of the unconscious, and that the feeling of being unappreciated is not true, it is caused by the behavior of the abusive partner.
• Understand the role of the Inner Child in healing and recovery from codependency.
• Explore how sensitive you are and how toxic relationships affect you.
• Learn about the mechanics of repetitive trauma (or forced repetition) and what it was that hooked you and kept you in a relationship with a narcissist.

Let this situation, when the narcissist left you, be the last rejection in your life. If your partner is resorting to silent avoidance to keep you in a state of fear and anxiety indefinitely, it's time to be honest about it and make a commitment to yourself to break up with this partner and move on. Then use your fear of rejection as an opportunity to develop self-love and emotional self-confidence.

Is healing from narcissistic abuse akin to hard work?

Yes. And it can't be done quickly. Curiously, those who have experienced rejection by a narcissist spend their time studying narcissistic disorder, buying thousands of books on the subject, and devoting all their free time to trying to understand their abusive partner. Chances are you already know everything there is to know about narcissism. Why not shift the focus from him to you and your healing?

Kim Saeed
From: http://letmereach.com/2014/10/27/the-silent-treatment-plays-on-your-fear-of-abandonment/
Translation Sirin (from SHRM)

Tags: kim saeed, PTSD, narcissism, psychotherapy

Does a narcissist suffer after a breakup

Breaking up with a loved one is one of the most painful emotional experiences. It is accompanied by all the feelings experienced in the event of loss. After all, the one with whom so much connected will never be near again. Even if the partners decide to remain friends, the inevitable remains that their paths are already different.

Parting is often accompanied by sad thoughts about why it happened and whether there is a chance to fix everything. A person torments himself with guesses about how the ex-partner is going through what happened. Imagination draws pictures from his terrible repentance to a noisy party and does not let him fall asleep.

Breaking up is stressful for both parties, both for the one who was left behind and for the one who made the decision to leave. In both cases, there is a break in emotional ties, the collapse of joint hopes and expectations. Both need time for the emotional wounds to begin to heal. How much easier parting is experienced by those who leave one relationship for another. But they also cannot escape the painful feelings of guilt and regret. An exception to their general rule can be observed only in representatives of the destructive spectrum - psychopaths, manipulators and tyrants. In their inner world, completely different processes take place. They are very dependent on who initiated the gap.

What the narcissist feels after parting, at the initiative of the victim:

- First of all, anger. And this anger is aimed at showing the independence of the partner, at his attempt to protect his personal boundaries. The narcissist is angered by the fact that he can no longer control him, because during the relationship he has become accustomed to the fact that the partner is his property, which provides him with a narcissistic resource. However, this anger can be carefully disguised as tenderness and care in order to restore "justice" - to return the victim and, at the first opportunity, avenge the liberty.

- When the fact of loss becomes more obvious, the narcissist resorts to such a technique as "avoidance". He still does not believe that the partner is finally lost. After all, he perceives it as his addition, and not an independent person, which means that the return is only a matter of time. He chooses a strategy of silent waiting, does not get in touch, does not answer phone calls and messages. Often this behavior works - the victim begins to feel that it is not her, but she was abandoned and she herself makes attempts to reunite.

- If the "avoidance" technique does not work, then the narcissist reverts to the type of behavior that he used at the beginning of the relationship, with the help of which he already managed to subdue the victim once. He showers her with compliments, gifts and courtesies. He agrees that he himself is guilty of a quarrel, asks for forgiveness and promises to change. In other words, from a person who himself brought relations to the edge of the abyss, he turns into a caring and romantic prince. This is a very effective tactic, the victim still wants to believe his words and promises. But if she says yes, she will be trapped again. The romantic period in such cases does not last long, soon she will have to pay for trying to escape.

- If the "courting" tactic doesn't work, the narcissist moves on to more violent actions. Since he is obsessed with power and control, it could be surveillance. Her options range from social media feed browsing to actual stalking. This gives him back the illusion of control. There is a category of victims who are flattered by such close attention. They mistakenly believe that if a partner is ready to do such things, then there is no doubt in his love. However, in the event of a return, the narcissist will not forget to bill for all his "humiliations".

- If all of the above techniques fail, the narcissist will involve third parties in the reconciliation process. These may be mutual friends or even relatives of the victim, to whom he demonstrates his bitter remorse. Usually narcissists turn out to be good actors and the pressure on the victim increases. They begin to pester her with talk that she runs the risk of missing out on her “happiness”, being left alone, and so on. If it is not possible to convince others of his good intentions, the narcissist resorts to slander, tells how he suffered with the victim, how she used him without giving anything in return. This can significantly damage the reputation of the victim, and make the narcissist the object of universal sympathy and care.

How does a narcissist feel when he leaves.

For the narcissist, love relationships are primarily a source of narcissistic resource. This resource can be emotions, special treatment, status, money, and more. Therefore, he can make a decision on the break only if, for some reason, he has ceased to receive this resource. Or when he meets a more resourceful partner. If by this time his victim is already completely devastated and devalued, he does not experience any negative experiences, he simply goes in search of a new narcissistic resource. After all, it was the resource, and not the victim as a person, that had value for him in relationships. It is without him that he cannot, and a victim prone to codependency can always be found.

The narcissist has a tendency to periodically return to the victim he left behind. Why does he do this:

- He has a need to make sure that the victim is waiting for him, that she is alone and, as before, in his power. In the saddest cases, he may come once a year or once every three years, while the victim is confident that she has a relationship with him.

- He enjoys watching the negative emotional experiences of the victim. He has an inverted idea of love - if he suffers, then he loves. This serves as an additional source of resource for the narcissist.

- He checks if his property has entered into a new relationship, if so, then the narcissist may make serious attempts to destroy them.

- He checks how resourceful his former victim is now. If during the time of separation the necessary resource has become very much, then it will return for a long time.

The most dangerous illusion in dealing with a narcissist is the hope that he will change. After all, he can speak so sincerely about it. Unfortunately, his words never match his actions. As soon as he regains power and control over the victim, everything will return to normal. It is impossible to create a healthy relationship with a narcissist. He is incapable of treating his partner as an equal. His urge to dominate and consume is irresistible. He can only temporarily disguise it, but not refuse.

Getting out of a relationship with a narcissist is also not easy. If he leaves, then the victim is immersed in experiences for a long time. If she herself refuses "destructive love", then she will have to go through all the circles of narcissistic manipulation. This is difficult in both cases, because relationships with a narcissist are always dependent, when it is unbearable to stay and it is impossible to leave.

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