Finding self esteem
Raising low self-esteem - NHS
We all have times when we lack confidence and do not feel good about ourselves.
But when low self-esteem becomes a long-term problem, it can have a harmful effect on our mental health and our day-to-day lives.
What is self-esteem?
Self-esteem is the opinion we have of ourselves.
When we have healthy self-esteem, we tend to feel positive about ourselves and about life in general. It makes us better able to deal with life's ups and downs.
When our self-esteem is low, we tend to see ourselves and our life in a more negative and critical light. We also feel less able to take on the challenges that life throws at us.
What causes low self-esteem?
Low self-esteem often begins in childhood. Our teachers, friends, siblings, parents, and even the media send us positive and negative messages about ourselves.
For some reason, the message that you are not good enough is the one that stays with you.
Perhaps you found it difficult to live up to other people's expectations of you, or to your own expectations.
Stress and difficult life events, such as serious illness or a bereavement, can have a negative effect on self-esteem.
Personality can also play a part. Some people are just more prone to negative thinking, while others set impossibly high standards for themselves.
How does low self-esteem affect us?
If you have low self-esteem or confidence, you may hide yourself away from social situations, stop trying new things, and avoid things you find challenging.
In the short term, avoiding challenging and difficult situations might make you feel safe.
In the longer term, this can backfire because it reinforces your underlying doubts and fears. It teaches you the unhelpful rule that the only way to cope is by avoiding things.
Living with low self-esteem can harm your mental health and lead to problems such as depression and anxiety.
You may also develop unhelpful habits, such as smoking and drinking too much, as a way of coping.
How to have healthy self-esteem
To boost your self-esteem, you need to identify the negative beliefs you have about yourself, then challenge them.
You may tell yourself you're "too stupid" to apply for a new job, for example, or that "nobody cares" about you.
Start to note these negative thoughts and write them on a piece of paper or in a diary. Ask yourself when you first started to think these thoughts.
Next, start to write some evidence that challenges these negative beliefs, such as, "I'm really good at cryptic crosswords" or "My sister calls for a chat every week".
Write down other positive things about yourself, such as "I'm thoughtful" or "I'm a great cook" or "I'm someone that others trust".
Also write some good things that other people say about you.
Aim to have at least 5 positive things on your list and add to it regularly. Then put your list somewhere you can see it. That way, you can keep reminding yourself that you're OK.
You might have low confidence now because of what happened when you were growing up, but we can grow and develop new ways of seeing ourselves at any age.
Other ways to improve low self-esteem
Here are some other simple techniques that may help you feel better about yourself.
Recognise what you're good at
We're all good at something, whether it's cooking, singing, doing puzzles or being a friend. We also tend to enjoy doing the things we're good at, which can help boost your mood.
Build positive relationships
If you find certain people tend to bring you down, try to spend less time with them, or tell them how you feel about their words or actions.
Try to build relationships with people who are positive and who appreciate you.
Be kind to yourself
Being kind to yourself means being gentle to yourself at times when you feel like being self-critical.
Think what you'd say to a friend in a similar situation. We often give far better advice to others than we do to ourselves.
Learn to be assertive
Being assertive is about respecting other people's opinions and needs, and expecting the same from them.
One trick is to look at other people who act assertively and copy what they do.
It's not about pretending you're someone you're not. It's picking up hints and tips from people you admire and letting the real you come out.
Start saying "no"
People with low self-esteem often feel they have to say yes to other people, even when they do not really want to.
The risk is that you become overburdened, resentful, angry and depressed.
For the most part, saying no does not upset relationships. It can be helpful to keep saying no, but in different ways, until they get the message.
Give yourself a challenge
We all feel nervous or afraid to do things at times. But people with healthy self-esteem do not let these feelings stop them trying new things or taking on challenges.
Set yourself a goal, such as joining an exercise class or going to a social occasion. Achieving your goals will help to increase your self-esteem.
Where to find help for low self-esteem
Psychological therapies like counselling or cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) can help.
You can refer yourself for psychological therapies on the NHS.
If you prefer, you can talk to a GP first and they can refer you.
You could also find a private therapist. Make sure they're registered with a professional body.
Audio: unhelpful thinking
In this audio guide, a doctor helps you to replace negative thoughts with more positive thinking.
Media last reviewed: 2 March 2021
Media review due: 2 March 2024
Visit healthtalk.
org to hear young people talking about their experiences of low self-esteem.
Video: psychological therapies for stress, anxiety and depression
Animated video explaining self-referral to psychological therapies services for stress, anxiety or depression.
Media last reviewed: 14 March 2022
Media review due: 14 March 2025
Improving Self-Esteem | Skills You Need
Self-esteem is how you feel about yourself, or the opinion you have about yourself. Everyone has times when they feel a bit low or find it hard to believe in themselves. However, if this becomes a long-term situation, this can lead to problems, including mental health issues such as depression or anxiety. Some of the symptoms of low self-esteem can also be a sign of these problems.
Self-esteem is often the result of a lifetime of experiences, and particularly what happened to us as children. However, it is possible to improve your self-esteem at any age.
This page provides more information about self-esteem, and some actions that you can take to improve it.
Understanding Self-Esteem
Some people think of self-esteem as their inner voice (or self-dialogue) – the voice that tells you whether you are good enough to do or achieve something.
Self-esteem is actually about how we value ourselves, and our perceptions about who we are and what we are capable of.
Self-esteem is not about ability
Self-esteem is often not associated with either your own ability, or other people’s perceptions of you.
It is quite possible for someone who is good at something to have poor self-esteem. Conversely, someone who struggles with a particular task might generally have good self-esteem.
People with good self-esteem generally feel positive about themselves, and about life. This makes them much more resilient, and better able to cope with life’s ups and downs.
Those with poor self-esteem, however, are often much more critical of themselves. They find it harder to bounce back from challenges and setbacks. This may lead them to avoid difficult situations. That can, however, actually decrease their self-esteem still further, because they feel even worse about themselves as a result.
- In the UK, sources of help include Childline, telephone 0800 1111, the NSPCC , and the National Domestic Violence Helpline, 0808 2000 247.
- In the US, Government advice is that you can call the Domestic Violence Hotline on 800-799-SAFE (7233).
A lack of self-esteem can therefore influence how people behave, not to mention what they achieve in their lives.
You may find it interesting to read our page The Importance of Mindset for more about how attitude influences behaviour.
Why Do People Experience Low Self-Esteem?
There are many reasons why someone might have low self-esteem. However, it often starts in childhood, perhaps with a feeling that you were unable to live up to expectations. It can also be the result of adult experiences such as a difficult relationship, either personal or at work.
Self-esteem, domestic violence and abuse
The victims of domestic violence and abuse often have low self-esteem.
This may be because their abuser has spent time belittling them and making them feel bad about themselves, reducing their self-esteem. However, it may also be that their low self-esteem made them more vulnerable to being abused because they did not feel that they were valuable.
Nobody should have to suffer from abuse or violence.
If you, or anyone you know, is in this situation, you should seek help.
Stressful life events, such as a divorce or bereavement, can also have negative effects on your self-esteem.
Improving Your Self-Esteem
There are a number of ways in which you can improve your self-esteem.
1. Identify and Challenge Your Negative Beliefs
The first step is to identify, and then challenge, your negative beliefs about yourself.
Notice your thoughts about yourself. For example, you might find yourself thinking ‘I’m not clever enough to do that’ or ‘I have no friends’. When you do, look for evidence that contradicts those statements. Write down both statement and evidence, and keep looking back at it to remind yourself that your negative beliefs about yourself are not true.
2. Identify the Positive About Yourself
It is also a good idea to write down positive things about yourself, such as being good at a sport, or nice things that people have said about you. When you start to feel low, look back at these things, and remind yourself that there is plenty of good about you.
In general, positive internal dialogue is a big part of improving your self-esteem.
If you catch yourself saying things like ‘I’m not good enough’ or ‘I’m a failure’, you can start to turn things around by saying ‘I can beat this’ and ‘I can become more confident by viewing myself in a more positive way’.
To begin with you will catch yourself falling back into old negative habits, but with regular effort you can start to feel more positive and build your self-esteem as well.
3. Build Positive Relationships—and Avoid Negative Ones
You will probably find that there are certain people—and certain relationships—that make you feel better than others.
If there are people who make you feel bad about yourself, try to avoid them.
Build relationships with people who make you feel good about yourself and avoid the relationships that drag you down.
4. Give Yourself a Break
You don’t have to be perfect every hour of every day. You don’t even have to feel good about yourself all the time.
Self-esteem varies from situation to situation, from day to day and hour to hour. Some people feel relaxed and positive with friends and colleagues, but uneasy and shy with strangers. Others may feel totally in command of themselves at work but struggle socially (or vice versa).
Give yourself a break. We all have times when we feel a bit down or find it harder to maintain our self-belief.
The key is not to be too hard on yourself. Be kind to yourself, and not too critical.
Avoid criticising yourself to others, because this can reinforce your negative views—and also give other people a (possibly false) negative opinion of you.
You can help to boost your self-esteem by giving yourself a treat whenever you succeed in doing something hard, or just for managing a particularly bad day.
5. Become More Assertive and Learn to Say No
People with low self-esteem often find it hard to stand up for themselves or say no to others.
This means that they may become over-burdened at home or at work, because they do not like to refuse anyone anything. However, this can increase stress, and make it even harder to manage.
Developing your assertiveness can therefore help to improve your self-esteem. Sometimes acting as if you believed in yourself can actually help to increase self-belief!
Our pages on Assertiveness provide more information about this, including how to improve your assertiveness.
6. Improve Your Physical Health
It is much easier to feel good about ourselves when we are fit and healthy.
However, people with low self-esteem often neglect themselves, because they do not feel that they ‘deserve’ to be looked after.
Try taking more exercise, eating well, and getting enough sleep. It is also a good idea to make time to relax and to do something that you want to do, rather than something that someone else expects you to do. You may find that simple changes like this can make a huge difference to your overall outlook.
You may like to read our pages on The Importance of Exercise, Diet, Health and Nutrition, What is Sleep? and The Importance of Sleep for more information. You might also like our page on Relaxation Techniques.
7. Take On Challenges
People with low self-esteem often avoid challenging and difficult situations.
One way to improve your self-esteem can actually be to take on a challenge. This doesn’t mean that you need to do everything yourself—part of the challenge might be to seek help when you need it—but be prepared to try something that you know will be difficult to achieve.
By succeeding, you show yourself that you can achieve.
This challenges your negative beliefs and will therefore improve your self-esteem.
Further Reading from Skills You Need
The Skills You Need Guide to Personal Development
Learn how to set yourself effective personal goals and find the motivation you need to achieve them. This is the essence of personal development, a set of skills designed to help you reach your full potential, at work, in study and in your personal life.
The second edition of or bestselling eBook is ideal for anyone who wants to improve their skills and learning potential, and it is full of easy-to-follow, practical information.
The Importance of Small Steps
It is very unlikely that you will go from poor to good self-esteem overnight.
Instead, you will probably find you make small improvements over a period of time. The key is to look over the long term, rather than day-to-day, and focus on the big picture, not the detail of how you felt at a particular moment yesterday.
When you feel good, or you do something good, celebrate it—but don’t beat yourself up if you occasionally slip back into negative patterns of thinking. Just pick yourself up again and try to think more positively. Eventually, this will become a habit and you will find that your self-esteem has quietly got better.
15 Ways to Boost Your Self-Esteem
Self-esteem is something that you form within yourself, which means that it can be quite easily changed. You won't improve your self-esteem by having more friends, or by making more money and buying yourself a cool car or a big house. It is something else, something that we cannot get from outside.
That is, our self-esteem does not depend on external factors. Here are some ways to help you boost your self-esteem.
1. Do everything to the best of your ability
Everything you do, do it to the highest standard, even if it's just cleaning or cooking dinner. Develop a reputation for being a person who takes pride in everything he does.
2. Dress Well Always
Dress well for every occasion, whether it's work, a meeting with a friend, or going to an interview. Be proud of how you look - this is important for raising self-esteem.
3. Read a book a month
Reading a book is actually a kind of achievement in the world of technology and media. So reading a paper book is a great way to achieve a sense of accomplishment.
5 books on psychology that will help you take control of your life
4. Learn a new skill
A hobby is something that can significantly increase your self-esteem. If you don't know what to do, just start learning new skills.
Let it be the most unexpected choice - like drawing (so what if you are already “too old” for this), music (even if you were born without hearing and voice - do it not for someone, but for yourself) or dancing .
5. Tell others how much you appreciate them
Be open, share your feelings with loved ones, be honest with yourself and others. The manifestation of true emotions shows you from the best side, and also helps you find freedom in self-expression.
6. Don't be afraid to show off your achievements
Speak for yourself in every area of your life. At first it may be difficult, but with each time the self-esteem will grow.
7. Face your fears
Nothing will boost your self-esteem like facing your fears and then overcoming them. Do what scares you. And remember, it's okay to be afraid. It's a shame to continue to indulge your fears.
8. Change your attitude towards difficulties
Start changing your thinking to be more optimistic.
Stop saying, "I can't do this." Try saying, "I've never done this, but I'll give myself a chance to try."
9. Forgive yourself
You know what you need to do: think about all the situations that make you feel guilty. Apologize to those people you hurt in any way and let go of the situation. Everyone has the right to make a mistake, and each of us certainly deserves forgiveness.
10. Take the chance to change your life for the better
If you have an opportunity to make your life better, take it, even though the chances of success are too small. You must learn to take risks, because without risk you cannot achieve great heights. Just get up and do what is required of you. Stop looking for excuses. Life is too short - there may not be a second chance like this.
9 tips to help change your life for the better
11. Reward yourself
As soon as you achieve another success in anything, do something nice for yourself.
Allow yourself to dine at your favorite cafe, arrange an evening of idleness or order a huge pizza. Learn to reward yourself for your efforts.
12. Work on your strengths
Many people focus on working on their weaknesses instead of perfecting what they are good at. This is a big mistake that wastes a lot of your time. Use your resources rationally. A commonplace example: if you are good at math and bad at dancing, you should not enroll in a dance school. Pay attention to mathematics - and you can become the best in your business.
13. Do something for yourself every day
It doesn't matter if it's walking in the fresh air in the evenings or watching new episodes of your favorite series. Just do what makes you happy. You deserve it.
14. Don't be afraid to accept help from other people
An offer of help is not pity at all. It just means that the people around you respect you enough to help you in any way.
15. Get rid of people who drag you down
Stop communicating with those who constantly criticize you, make you doubt your own abilities, treat you disrespectfully.
Such people hold you back, literally pull you to the bottom. In order to gain confidence in yourself and your abilities, you must free yourself from such contacts.
Other related articles:
for life
Psychologists told how to cultivate self-esteem
MOSCOW, October 17 - RIA Novosti. A person's self-esteem does not depend on his material well-being: it can be much higher for a janitor than for an oligarch. However, for people with disabilities, the opportunity to work and earn money allows them to feel like a full-fledged member of society, experts and psychologists interviewed by RIA Novosti believe.
World Dignity Day, held every year on October 17 in more than 50 countries around the world, aims to draw society's attention to the development of a sense of leadership and self-respect. In Russia, this event is held for the second time and it is expected that special events for this day will be held at educational sites in Moscow, St.
Petersburg and Ulan-Ude.
You don't have to be an oligarch...
Every person has self-esteem, the only difference is that it is different for everyone, noted psychotherapist Konstantin Olkhovoy. “One of the main determinants of the size of a sense of dignity can be the size of the line beyond which a person is ready to go or not ready to go and considers it unworthy of himself. Some consider it unworthy to humiliate and offend other people, while others believe that they should not reckon with the opinion strangers," Olkhovoy said.
According to him, a sense of dignity is determined by the upbringing of a person. A janitor's self-esteem can be much higher than, for example, an oligarch's. “I think that the material side plays a secondary role here. It’s another matter if a person, for example, was brought up from childhood in such a way that only the rich can have self-esteem, then poverty for this person will have a determining factor,” the expert believes.
Olkhova believes that in order to cultivate the right sense of self-worth in a person, it is important not only to love the child, but also to respect his views. “Too often we forget that a child is an independent person, with his own problems and joys. And the more we respect our own children, the more self-esteem arises in the child. If the child sees that they are treated with respect to him, to other people , often this forms a sense of self-worth, which does not infringe on the feelings of other people, but supports oneself and others," Olkhovoy said.
A worthy upbringing
One of the main life lines in the development of a child is his relationship with his mother. In these relations, from early childhood, either a basic trust in the world or distrust is born, says Vice President of the Russian Society of Psychologists, Academician of the Russian Academy of Education, Professor Alexander Asmolov. "Any sense of dignity is based on trust in the world and faith in oneself," he said.
Asmolov recommends to all parents the work of Janusz Korczak "How to love a child" as a handbook for raising children.
He also believes that children should be taught responsibility for their actions from early childhood. "Love alone without the generation of responsibility will not lead to the formation of attitudes of self-esteem," the professor added.
A child should learn not only compassion from childhood, but also learn to be happy for the people around him, the psychologist explained.
"We know that children between the ages of 5 and 7 can have enough empathy for other children when they have an accident. However, children are very weak at rejoicing for other children. It is no coincidence that psychologists say: people can sympathize, but only angels," added the psychologist.
Independence and Independence
According to Mikhail Novikov, project manager of the regional public organization of the disabled "Perspektiva", a person gains self-esteem when he feels independent and independent.
"A disabled person in Russia cannot fully feel independent, and it is independence that is the basis of self-esteem. Unfortunately, in our society there are a lot of barriers for people with disabilities that they constantly have to face. You always need to look for someone who will help: climb the stairs, go down the curb, get into the building. You constantly have to look for someone's help. And this hits dignity, pride, "Novikov believes.
Nikolai Morzhin, executive director of the regional public organization "Center for Curative Pedagogy", agrees with him.
"The level of self-worth of each particular person depends on the state of society as a whole. It is not so important here whether he has a disability or not," he is sure.
Novikov added that disabled people in Russia often lose faith in their abilities due to the lack of opportunities to find a job, to fulfill themselves.
"It's important to find something to do in life. Nothing boosts self-esteem like the opportunity to earn money.
