Attention starved child

9 Tips On How To Stop Attention-Seeking Behavior in Children

It’s normal for kids to want attention from their parents and also sometimes from other adults.

However, some children insist on constantly being the center of attention. They may go out of their way and use annoying behavior to get noticed.

It can be frustrating and problematic when these kinds of behavior become excessive.

What Is Attention-Seeking Behavior?

Attention-seeking behavior in children is actions that are carried out with the goal of getting noticed by others, especially caregivers. It is a form of emotional dependence¹.

Attention sought includes glances, approval, praise, affection, reassurance, nearness, physical contact, caresses, etc.

When attention-seeking problem behaviors aren’t met with the desired social attention, they may escalate into risky acts, which becomes a problem over time.

A pervasive pattern of excessive emotionality and negative attention-seeking behavior may indicate a more severe underlying mental disorder, such as histrionic personality disorder (HPD) or narcissism².

What Causes Attention-Seeking Behavior

When children act out to seek attention, they are actually seeking connection.

Psychiatrist John Bowlby and developmental psychologist Mary Ainsworth’s attachment theory suggests that babies are born with an innate desire to form attachment bonds with their caregivers to ensure their survival.

This attachment-seeking behavior looks exactly like attention-seeking behavior in infancy. A baby might cry, whine, fuss, or move toward a parent seeking proximity.

When a baby receives warm, sensitive, and responsive parenting in response to their attachment behavior, a secure attachment forms. Early parenting that meets a child’s emotional needs leads to a secure attachment and a lower level of attention-seeking behavior later³.

These children develop a sense of trust in their parents and feel confident that they will be there for them as their secure base. They have high self-esteem and develop independence as they grow.

In contrast, infants whose emotional needs aren’t met during their early days exhibit more attention-seeking behavior and cry more as they grow. They tend to have little confidence and be reliant on others’ approval and emotional support.

They are less likely to form secure attachments and the lack of a secure attachment strongly predicts more attention-seeking behavior⁴.

Therefore, older children who seek attention are looking for ways to connect. The pursuit of attention is actually the pursuit of relationships.

The problem arises when attachment-seeking behavior becomes overly attention-seeking, disruptive, or dangerous.

Examples of Attention-Seeking Behavior in Children

Here are some attention-seeking behavior examples found in children.

Temper tantrums over little things
Whining or crying
Interrupting
Asking for help with simple tasks that don’t require additional assistance
Sympathy or praise-seeking by sharing exaggerated stories
Lying or arguing
Constantly showing their work or achievements for recognition
Acting like a clown or comedian
Risky behavior that can put them in danger such as standing on a table
Damaging properties

Attention-seekers’ behaviors are characterized by their emotional dependence on the validation, praise, and emotional reassurance of others⁵.

How to Stop Attention-Seeking Behavior in Children

Do not ignore

A child who throws tantrums or cries easily for every little thing is likely looking for connection rather than the thing itself. Punishing them or treating them as misbehavior will push them farther away and not fulfill their needs.

Some children will stop their attention-seeking behavior temporarily when they are ignored.

But this only fixes the symptoms, not the underlying problem. Because the need to connect has not been met, the bad behavior will return over and over again.

Here is why paying positive attention will not reinforce attention-seeking behavior.

B.F. Skinner’s reinforcement theory is based on observations and experiments done with pigeons and rats⁶.

Humans’ need to connect is quite different from pigeons’ need to eat.

It is vital for parents to recognize what their children need and overcome the fear generated by outdated theories.

Call it out

Giving your child attention doesn’t mean you condone it.

Call out the unwanted behavior with empathy.

“Junior, I’ve noticed you’ve been upset easily this week over little things. Are you truly upset about this candy, or are you upset about me?”

It shows that you have paid attention to them when you say this.

Moreover, you are narrating the issue to help your child express themselves so they will use words rather than acting out.

Help them identify the issue

If you ask your attention-seeking child directly, they will sometimes be able to confirm the issue immediately.

However, other times they may not be aware of the true cause. It is especially true for children who are very young.

In this case, you will need to help them discover what the real issue is.

Take a look back at the week that just passed.

Did you spend enough quality time with your child?

When they came to show you something, were you too busy looking at your phone?

Did you ignore them to speak with other adults instead?

If there were moments like that, ask them directly.

“Are you upset that I didn’t look at the beautiful airplane you made when you showed it to me yesterday?”

“Are you crying because you want me to draw with you instead of just handing you crayons?”

Make a plan

After identifying the problem, work on a solution together.

Here is an example.

“Mommy works from home. While I am here, I may not be able to play with you at this time. What if we make a plan to draw together after dinner every day?”

Address the problematic behavior

Once your child is calm and you have the plan to resolve the issue, it’s time to address the problematic behavior.

Clearly state that what they did was unacceptable and explain why.

Tell them how you expect them to behave.

Teach alternative behavior

Finally, teach them how to use correct behavior to get your attention next time they are upset (and remind them if they forget).

Preventing the behavior during childhood is better than correcting it

The human species is a group animal. Evolutionarily, we are driven to live in communities and maintain relationships.

Creating connections is inherently human. It’s not their fault that children seek attachment, even though they sometimes use the wrong behaviors to achieve it.

Establishing a secure attachment is critical to child development.

Prevent the problem from occurring in the first place by using proactive strategies.

Make an effort to spend time with them and give them undivided attention on a regular basis.

Notice and encourage positive behavior

It is not necessary for a parent to shower their child with attention to demonstrate their love.

Something as simple as praising your child’s appropriate behavior or having a 10-15 minute snuggle can go a long way in showing them that you care and are paying attention to them.

Assess priorities

Oftentimes, parents pay attention to negative behaviors but still cannot stop them. That usually happens when they have the wrong priorities.

Parents tend to address the undesired behavior first because their priorities are to stop it.

They scold the child, emphasize the exact rules, and use consistent consequences. They do all of these without attending to their child’s needs first.

This shows the child that they and their needs are not as important.

This kind of attention does not meet the child’s need to connect.

If you are struggling with this, consider reversing the order you address the issues. Follow the steps above to connect before you correct.

Final Thoughts on Attention-Seeking Behavior

Changing your child’s behavior over time requires patience. Don’t give up when it doesn’t seem to work at first.

Children don’t learn to walk, speak, or behave overnight. It is important to have age-appropriate developmental expectations.

When things become too difficult or too much, don’t hesitate to seek help from professionals such as child psychologists. Child therapy and family therapy can help.

References

1.
Gewirtz JL. Three Determinants of Attention-Seeking in Young Children. Monographs of the Society for Research in Child Development. Published online 1954:1. doi:10. 2307/1165567
2.
Pfohl B. Histrionic Personality Disorder: A Review of Available Data and Recommendations for DSM-IV. Journal of Personality Disorders. Published online June 1991:150-166. doi:10.1521/pedi.1991.5.2.150
3.
van Rosmalen L, van der Horst FCP, van der Veer R. From secure dependency to attachment: Mary Ainsworth’s integration of Blatz’s security theory into Bowlby’s attachment theory. History of Psychology. Published online February 2016:22-39. doi:10.1037/hop0000015
4.
Sroufe LA, Fox NE, Pancake VR. Attachment and Dependency in Developmental Perspective. Child Development. Published online December 1983:1615. doi:10.2307/1129825
5.
Gewirtz JL. A Factor Analysis of Some Attention-Seeking Behaviors of Young Children. Child Development. Published online March 1956:17. doi:10.2307/1126328
6.
Skinner BF. Reinforcement today. American Psychologist. Published online 1958:94-99. doi:10.1037/h0049039

About Pamela Li

Pamela Li is an author, Founder, and Editor-in-Chief of Parenting For Brain. Her educational background is in Electrical Engineering (MS, Stanford University) and Business Management (MBA, Harvard University). Learn more

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How to Handle an Attention-Seeking Child

In this article, you will find:

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A 3-year-old appears happy to have a new little one in the house, but the sudden increase in temper tantrums tells a different story. A ten-year-old feels resentful of her older sister's academic success and the praise she receives for it and begins misbehaving, slamming doors and screaming at her parents.

These are two examples of attention-seeking behavior. It's normal for children to need attention and approval, and it's equally appropriate for parents to give them the attention they want. However, attention-seeking becomes a problem when it happens all the time, or if your child’s attention-seeking behavior causes trouble at school or with their peers. Sometimes children learn that the easiest way to get mom and dad to focus on them is to provoke them by misbehaving, which can be hard to break for the whole family.

If you find that your child is acting out in disruptive ways to get your undivided attention, it’s important to understand the causes behind a kid’s need for attention and address their behavior in positive, constructive ways. While some kids are loud or demanding as part of their development, other children may have ADHD or other conditions that cause them to act out. If you want strategies to help deal with and change their — and your — behavior, these dos and don'ts will teach you how to better communicate without getting annoyed.

Do Communicate Clearly

Ask your child if they know why their attention-seeking behavior is wrong, and if they don't, explain it clearly to them. For example, tell them how much you love them, but you don't love how they behave. Explain to them what good behavior would be and how much you would appreciate them acting appropriately. Get your child's attention by being firm, but keep positive parenting in mind when you are talking about your child's behavior.

Do Focus on the Positive

Instead of waiting for children to have tantrums to pay attention to them, acknowledge them when they are behaving well, and offer positive attention when it happens. Stay alert when your child behaves in a positive way: For example, if they are sitting quietly and coloring without insisting on your approval of every crayon they choose. Say, "I like how you're working so hard on your artwork," and then move on.

Lindsay Gerber, PsyD, a clinical psychologist, told the ChildMind Institute that the key is being as descriptive and specific as possible in your praise so that children know exactly what behavior they should replicate. Experts sometimes call this giving "labeled praise."

Do Pay Attention Before They Demand It

Parents are understandably tired after a busy day of work and other responsibilities, but so are children. Take 15 minutes to sit with your child and focus on them without any distractions. Put down the phones, take away the tablets and give your little one your undivided attention. Play board games or read a book together. The whole family doesn't need to be involved - one on one time is good. It's been shown that involved parents raise children with positive self-esteem. Your child will bask in your parental attention, and that can help to calm their negative attention-seeking behavior.

Don't Be Unpredictable

Sometimes you may find it easier to give in to your child's negative behaviors and give them the attention they are demanding. Still, it's better if you can react the same way each time they misbehave. Even if your child acting out is an uncomfortable situation for you, such as while eating in a restaurant or visiting friends, stay calm and consistent.

Consistency is key to behavior modification. If, for example, your child is sent to time out only once in a while when they are using attention-seeking behavior, they won't take the consequence seriously. Children need predictable outcomes to respond to scolding or other consequences.

Don't Be Afraid to Take Charge

Sometimes parents are afraid to upset their children by standing by their rules and not allowing them to use their negative behavior to get the attention they crave. You are the adult, and your child is waiting for you to teach them how to behave, how to react, and how to get the self-control they need. You can turn punishment for misbehaving into an opportunity to learn in a positive way by giving them something constructive rather than keeping them from doing things they enjoy. Some ideas for consequences include:

Ignore them in the moment. When you ignore misbehaviors, you are giving no attention. Because attention is rewarding to children, withholding attention can be an effective punishment.
Have your child write a letter of apology for acting out to teachers or caregivers
Give “etiquette lessons” to children to reinforce the importance of using their “indoor voice” and respecting others

Don't Ignore the Problem

Ignoring does not mean ignoring the problem. It means ignoring demands for negative attention. There are many misbehaviors that you should not ignore. Some misbehaviors should be punished. Deciding when to ignore or when to punish is not easy, and there are no exact rules. It takes timing and judgment. When your child misbehaves to get attention, ignore it. If your child does not stop in two or three minutes, give him a reminder. Tell your child, "I do not respond to whining. When you stop, we'll talk." Wait another minute or two. If he still does not stop, then tell your child to stop or he will be punished: "Stop now, or you will go to time-out."

If you get angry or let your child push your buttons, you lose. If you must use a punishment, dispense the punishment without anger. If you get angry, then your child has succeeded in getting the negative attention that he was after. If you feel yourself getting angry, walk away. Cool off.

The key to changing your child's behavior begins with how you communicate with them and continues with your consistent and loving discipline. Whether you are dealing with young children or a 13-year-old daughter or 16 year-old-son, positive parenting and parental attention are the first steps to encouraging good behavior.

Without fast food and sausages. What to feed children on distance learning | Child health | Health

During the pandemic, many children study remotely, do not go to clubs and sections. There is little movement, food is always at hand, so it is not surprising that children gain weight. How can this be avoided in distance learning?

Our expert - nutritionist Eleonora Kulibina .

Eat to live

In order for a child not to gain weight, first of all, proper nutrition is necessary. Here are the ingredients for a healthy diet.

1. Stick to the mode. The food of the child should be at least 3 times a day - breakfast, lunch and dinner. And two or three full meals. It is desirable that meals be at the same time. But, of course, sometimes you can make reasonable adjustments to the routine.

2. Start a tradition of family meals . A set table with beautiful dishes and an elegant tablecloth is not only aesthetically pleasing, but also very, very useful. The habit of eating together will help the child eliminate biting, which often causes children to gain weight.

3. Learn to cook . This is where mothers and grandmothers can snort offendedly. They already know how to cook, and how - you will lick your fingers! But what seems tasty, alas, is not always useful. The abundance of sugar and fats (especially margarine and mayonnaise), love for excessive culinary processing of food (frying, smoking, salting, pickling) is not good for adults, and even more so for children.

4. Breakfast is obligatory . It is desirable that in the morning the child does not eat cereal with milk, but some kind of hot protein dish - porridge, cheesecakes, scrambled eggs. But if a piece in the throat does not climb at all in the morning, you can limit yourself to something small: a slice of whole grain bread and low-fat cheese, a glass of milk, yogurt and fruit. It's better than leaving the house on an empty stomach. The absence of a morning meal significantly reduces the concentration of attention in children, which has a bad effect on academic performance. In addition, skipping breakfast increases the risk of obesity because, when hungry, children eat more sweets throughout the day.

5. Provide time for lunch, dinner and snacks in the student's schedule . Excessively long breaks between meals can lead to a drop in blood sugar levels, fatigue and decreased attention. In addition, a hungry child, having seized on food, can eat too much. As snacks, it is better to choose fruits, vegetables, fruit and vegetable chips, nuts, seeds, whole grain bread, muesli-based bars and dried fruits.

6. Schoolchildren's lunch must be full . It may consist of traditional three courses: soup, main course (meat, poultry or fish with a side dish) and compote. But you can limit yourself to one dish and drink. The main thing is that for lunch the child receives the set of calories, nutrients and vitamins due to him. It is important to ensure that he eats at least 400 g of fruits and vegetables per day.

7. Dinner should be light but nutritious . And it is desirable that the child eats for the last time 2–2.5 hours before bedtime, no later. Fish, scrambled eggs, cottage cheese or vegetable casserole, salads (without mayonnaise) are well suited for an evening meal.

8. Avoid unhealthy foods and drinks . First of all, you need to give up fast food, ready-made sweets, semi-finished products, sausages, sausages, juices and carbonated drinks, one bottle of which contains at least 40 g of sugar, while for children from 6 to 10 years old, the daily intake of sugar is only 25 g. their children to drink plain water or tea without sugar.

On the move

Proper nutrition should be combined with daily exercise. According to the WHO, children should be physically active for at least an hour a day. Most of the activity should be aerobic (basketball, football, tennis, dancing, jumping rope, swimming, brisk walking, running, cycling). Such exercises train endurance, improve the condition of the cardiac and respiratory systems and do not allow to recover.

Children need strength, stretching and balance exercises at least three times a week. Such activity can be provided by games associated with running, turning and jumping. They, among other things, contribute to the strengthening of bones: they increase the mineral content in skeletal tissue, improving its density.

A sufficient level of activity of the child helps to strengthen his physical health, weight loss, reduce the risk of cardiovascular and metabolic diseases, as well as depression, which, alas, affects not only adults, but also children today.

Attending training sessions, sections is good. But even on days when there are no classes, children and adolescents should also be physically active. And parents should support them in this. Joint games, competitions, outings in nature develop children both physically and intellectually.

But there are kids who can only be torn off the sofa with a crane. Such loads should be increased gradually, gently, but persistently. And it is best to act not by persuasion, and even more so by the threat of punishment, but by your own example. It is not necessary to immediately set impossible tasks for yourself and your children, because even a little activity is better for health than its complete absence. But WHO experts advise limiting the time for using gadgets to one hour a day. By the way, do not let children eat in front of the gadget screen: this habit leads to disruption of the connection between the brain and the stomach and leads to overeating.

My son is rude!

What to do if a teenage child is rude to parents both in private and in public? And also interrupts the elders and breaks into a conversation with rude and inappropriate remarks? The situation is commented on by a child psychotherapist, family consultant Madelena Sanchuk.

Dear New Hearth! I decided to share my pain with you. My 15-year-old son has acquired a nasty habit of interrupting elders, getting into conversation with inappropriate and rather rude remarks. He is rude to both me and my father. Alone and in public. It’s not even the words themselves that are worse, but his tone, full of contempt and hatred for the people closest to him. I am ashamed in front of my neighbors, who cannot but hear the scandals in our apartment. And how ashamed I am in front of our friends! All of them are solid people and they know us from the best side. Imagine, they come to a decent house to relax, talk, and then this undergrowth is rude to both us and our guests. I do not know how to be. What would you advise us to do, how to wean our son from being rude and talking contemptuously with elders? I'm embarrassed to subscribe. Even initials are embarrassing. So I will subscribe: mother boor .

Child psychotherapist, family consultant Madelena Sanchuk comments on the situation.

Mother boor is a brave lady. She spoke about herself and her family sincerely and in detail. Of course, the problem did not start yesterday and not even when the son was 15. It all started in early childhood, when the boy was not noticed, asked not to annoy with questions, not to distract the elders from important matters. Busy business people often forget that their children need not only expensive toys, prestigious schools and a decent environment, but also constant communication with dad and mom. If the parents don't have time to talk to the child at the moment, they should arrange a date in his playroom or kitchen, say, in half an hour or an hour. If the child is impatient to tell you something important right there, immediately, ask him to write down (if he still cannot write, draw) what he wants to say, and tell it orally during your meeting. It is important under no circumstances to laugh at the stupidity or naivety of the child, not to cut him off with contemptuous words: “What are you doing with your idiotic ideas!” While listening with respect to the child, you can invite him to the discussion with the following phrases: “I don’t think this idea is good. Let's look at other options." Justify your opinion with respectful, short and simple phrases. Do not get annoyed if the child, after listening to you, remained in his opinion. Any person must grow up by learning from their own mistakes.

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Be vigilant: under no circumstances humiliate a child in front of strangers! Take him aside, go out with him into another room - there you can chastise him, calmly expressing your complaints. Teenagers find it difficult to cope with violent bouts of hatred or rage. The mood in adolescence changes quickly, children often seem unpredictable. They lose their heads and yell at their parents. But they don't yell at their favorite teacher. And they don't yell at a karate coach. Because they treat them respectfully and patiently. The boorish mother opposes her son to her decent acquaintances. She values the opinion of decent and respectable family friends. But the opinion of her son, it seems, she does not really value, because she considers him still subhuman, undersized. She responds with harshness for harshness, scream for scream... Neighbors hear their scandals. But she doesn't yell at her respectable friends... The teenager really wants to show that he has already grown up! It is very important for him to take part in an adult conversation, especially if it is about a book he read or about a team he also supported. Hungry for attention, a teenager rushes into conversation, forgetting about the rules of decency, interrupting interlocutors, raising his voice, insulting the listener. This means that, unfortunately, he still does not have the skill of communicating with adults who are ready to give him time and attention sincerely and kindly. As soon as the author of the letter manages to look at what is happening from this new angle, dialogue with his son will become a real opportunity. And dialogue is needed! Invite your son to a family council. Point out that the agenda will be how to help mother and father better understand young people. Start the conversation with what you understand: something is wrong in your family. This requires the attention of all family members and the need to correct the situation: general irritation, anger, bitterness ... Ask your son to speak directly, but respectfully and calmly. Most likely, he will tell you about your indifference, and about how you yelled at him in front of the girl with whom he wanted to go to the cinema. Let him let off steam. Say that going back is no longer possible, but improving relations is not only possible, but also necessary.

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