11 signs of gaslighting

11 Red Flags of Gaslighting in a Relationship

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Gaslighting is a tactic in which a person or entity, in order to gain more power, makes a victim question their reality. It works much better than you may think. Anyone is susceptible to gaslighting, and it is a common technique of abusers, dictators, narcissists, and cult leaders. It is done slowly, so the victim doesn't realize how much they've been brainwashed. For example, in the movie Gaslight (1944), a man manipulates his wife to the point where she thinks she is losing her mind.

In my book Gaslighting: Recognize Manipulative and Emotionally Abusive People — and Break Free I detail how gaslighters typically use the following techniques:

1. They tell blatant lies. You know it's an outright lie. Yet they are telling you this lie with a straight face. Why are they so blatant? Because they're setting up a precedent. Once they tell you a huge lie, you're not sure if anything they say is true. Keeping you unsteady and off-kilter is the goal.

2. They deny they ever said something, even though you have proof. You know they said they would do something; you know you heard it. But they out and out deny it. It makes you start questioning your reality—maybe they never said that thing. And the more they do this, the more you question your reality and start accepting theirs.

3. They use what is near and dear to you as ammunition. They know how important your kids are to you, and they know how important your identity is to you. So those may be one of the first things they attack. If you have kids, they tell you that you should not have had those children. They will tell you'd be a worthy person if only you didn't have a long list of negative traits. They attack the foundation of your being.

4. They wear you down over time. This is one of the insidious things about gaslighting—it is done gradually, over time. A lie here, a lie there, a snide comment every so often. ..and then it starts ramping up. Even the brightest, most self-aware people can be sucked into gaslighting—it is that effective. It's the "frog in the frying pan" analogy: The heat is turned up slowly, so the frog never realizes what's happening to it.

5. Their actions do not match their words. When dealing with a person or entity that gaslights, look at what they are doing rather than what they are saying. What they are saying means nothing; it is just talk. What they are doing is the issue.

6. They throw in positive reinforcement to confuse you. This person or entity that is cutting you down, telling you that you don't have value, is now praising you for something you did. This adds an additional sense of uneasiness. You think, "Well maybe they aren't so bad." Yes, they are. This is a calculated attempt to keep you off-kilter—and again, to question your reality. Also look at what you were praised for; it is probably something that served the gaslighter.

7. They know confusion weakens people. Gaslighters know that people like having a sense of stability and normalcy. Their goal is to uproot this and make you constantly question everything. And humans' natural tendency is to look to the person or entity that will help you feel more stable—and that happens to be the gaslighter.

8. They project. They are a drug user or a cheater, yet they are constantly accusing you of that. This is done so often that you start trying to defend yourself, and are distracted from the gaslighter's own behavior.

9. They try to align people against you. Gaslighters are masters at manipulating and finding the people they know will stand by them no matter what—and they use these people against you. They will make comments such as, "This person knows that you're not right," or "This person knows you're useless too." Keep in mind it does not mean that these people actually said these things. A gaslighter is a constant liar. When the gaslighter uses this tactic it makes you feel like you don't know who to trust or turn to—and that leads you right back to the gaslighter. And that's exactly what they want: Isolation gives them more control.

10. They tell you or others that you are crazy. This is one of the most effective tools of the gaslighter, because it's dismissive. The gaslighter knows if they question your sanity, people will not believe you when you tell them the gaslighter is abusive or out-of-control. It's a master technique.

11. They tell you everyone else is a liar. By telling you that everyone else (your family, the media) is a liar, it again makes you question your reality. You've never known someone with the audacity to do this, so they must be telling the truth, right? No. It's a manipulation technique. It makes people turn to the gaslighter for the "correct" information—which isn't correct information at all.

The more you are aware of these techniques, the quicker you can identify them and avoid falling into the gaslighter's trap. (For more, see Are Gaslighters Aware of What They Do?)

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11 Signs of Gaslighting in a Relationship + How You Can Stop It

My husband and I have been married for almost 8-years now and I’m very thankful for our relationship, but sometimes when I am coaching my clients I find my mind wandering back to my previous life as a struggling single.

Most recently this happened when I was coaching a client who was working through some major issues she developed from a recent breakup with a boyfriend who was gaslighting her throughout her relationship.

For those of you not familiar with the term “gaslighting”, it is a form of psychological manipulation and emotional abuse in a relationship that leads the victim to doubt or distrust his or her own memory, perception, and self-worth.

Simply put, Gaslighting is a power move that makes the victim question their own reality.

Incidentally, the term gaslighting originated in the 1938 British stage play “Gaslight” (known as “Angel Street” in the U.S.), in which there was methodical psychological manipulation of a victim by her husband.

I should point out that gaslighting differs greatly from your garden variety manipulation which sometimes occurs in a relationship.

Even the very best relationships may have a partner who has certain wants or needs that lead them to try to manipulate or convince their partner to get what they want. Although not healthy, it is not toxic.

No, gaslighting is systemic behavior that occurs over long periods of time that can lead its victims to become broken or psychologically traumatized to the point where it can take months or even years for them to pick up the pieces again.

I, myself experienced a relationship with someone who I now know was gaslighting me. Looking back, it was like some out-of-body experience where I did not recognize myself or my behavior because I was so caught up in the wants and needs of my boyfriend.

Eventually, I got out and was able to gain confidence and find my identity again, but it wasn’t easy. Today, as a relationship coach I am extremely empathetic to those who have experienced these kinds of toxic relationships.

I strive to educate clients and non-clients alike to arm themselves with the tools to avoid them.

In the book 11 Warning Signs of Gaslighting, Dr. Stephanie Sarkis outlines some of the most prevalent elements of the gaslighting phenomenon, so below I have listed Dr. Sarkis’ top warning signs accompanied by some of my own personal and professional observations about gaslighting that I hope you find helpful.

They Tell Blatant Lies

I know when I dated my gaslighter, the lies, and mistruths he told were constant and also so damn obvious. It was strange to see someone who would deny and lie about something even when caught red-handed in the very act he is lying about. Like the time he said he had no money to pay our utilities and I caught him on a gambling site betting on a sports game.

He told me that it was his friend’s money that he was betting for him and that something was wrong with me for accusing him. That I was wrong and I should apologize to him. I felt a tremendous amount of guilt thinking I was being too much. Later on, I saw an email with his bet on his phone. I knew he lied.

If you’re dating someone and find yourself being lied to often it is so important to let your partner know right off the bat that you will not accept being lied to under any circumstances. And after this proclamation and the boundary set, if the line is crossed then it’s imperative you stick to your guns and remove yourself from the relationship.

I always say you teach people how to treat you. Remember apologizing without change behavior is considered a form of manipulation.

They deny they ever said something, even though you have proof

Personal accountably is such an important part of any healthy and stable person’s makeup and core. This goes for any partner you choose and, of course, for yourself too.

If you’re dating someone and you catch them continually denying things they’ve said, despite being presented with proof, then they clearly lack any personal accountability. For gaslighters the goal is for you to question your own reality and start accepting theirs.

My ex used to constantly do this which gave him power over me that I never quite understood.

They Use What is Near and Dear to You as Ammunition.

When you are dating a gaslighter nothing in your life will be off-limits if it allows them to put a hold on you. Close family, friends, and even your children are all fair game and can find their way into their crosshairs.

When initially dating someone, if you start to feel you’re under attack or having a wedge driven between you and someone important to you, you must ask yourself why?

Conversely, if you have passions (i. e. hobbies) or qualities (i.e. giving nature) that come under assault from a potential partner you’re being tasked with making a “them” or “me” choice.

One piece of advice is to make sure to keep an open and unattached mindset early on in your relationships, which will make you far less likely in being asked to make a life choice you will regret later.

They Wear You Down Over Time

One component that often accompanies gaslighting behavior is they spend a lot of time and energy reeling you into their reality. This persistence often means that the longer you stick with a gaslighter the harder it is to escape their sphere of influence.

The key to being a healthy and happy single is to make sure that you are equipped with clear relationship boundaries and you know your Non-negotiables (aka deal breakers). When you are armed with these two things and can act quickly when boundaries are crossed when Non-negotiables are not met, you’ll be far less likely to get drawn into any long-term toxic relationships.

Their Actions Do not Match their Words

The relationship between someone’s action and their words is not only an important way to sniff out gaslighters, but also anyone in your life for that matter. Actions always speak much louder than words.

The bottom line is when someone’s actions and words don’t match you’ll never be able to completely trust them and when that happens a quality relationship just cannot exist.

Again, my ex was a perfect example of someone who lacked in the action/words equilibrium. He used to constantly talk about us getting married one day and yet when it came to acting like a responsible adult who was husband material the scales never came close to balancing.

They Throw in Positive Reinforcement to Confuse You

When you’re in a relationship with a gaslighter it’s not always gloom and doom. On the contrary, oftentimes there are moments of great joy and happiness. These are often the adhesive elements that bond the relationship together.

But make no mistake, when a gaslighter is nice and shows affection it is often done with manipulation at its core to keep you off-balance. Authenticity in behavior is so important to have in a quality partner.

Positive reinforcement does little to bond two people when the positivity is driven by a negative intention. If you find that this is just one of many isolated incidents or your gut tells you that something feels inauthentic about these nice gestures then do yourself a favor and move on instead of moving forward.

They Know Confusion Weakens People

Gaslighters like it when their partner is in a constant state of confusion and bewilderment. It is the cloud of dust that surrounds their unstable behavior that helps give them their power, while at the same time weakens others.

Your goal when dating is to make sure you are in a stable relationship and always understand what’s happening around you. This can be done by asking targeted questions and expecting straight-forward answers when things are not clear to you.

By making sure you and your partner communicate well with one another and support each other you will not only weed out the gaslighters, but weed in the best possible partner for you.

They Project

The funny thing about the time I spent with my ex-gaslighter boyfriend is that he used to project all the time. If he was hostile or antagonistic towards me he would often indicate it was me who was being the hostile or antagonistic one.

I always felt he was projecting, yet still, sometimes I found myself questioning my own actions and wondering if there was part of him that was right.

A gaslighter’s goal is always to distract and deflect from their own bad behavior by attempting by shining the light in a different direction, yours. It is important to refuse to accept any attempts to project their behavior on you by making sure your potential partner owns their shit in the same way you own yours.

They try to align people against you

It’s hard enough to be in an emotional struggle against one person you care about, much less when there are two or three or even more up against you.

When gaslighters find themselves losing ground, they may attempt to recruit others to get into the ring with them. Sometimes will lie and say, “so and so is with me and against you on this.”

Sometimes they will manipulate others into their corner as they have you. The goal is the same, to isolate you and keep you as close to them as possible. Make sure you pay attention to anyone who tries to use others in your life against you because smart Gaslighter’s know that once your alone on that island with them, it’s extremely difficult to find a way off.

They tell you or others that you are crazy

Gaslighter’s like to use your behavior against you because it puts them on more stable ground in their flight to control you. My ex did drive me up the wall to the point where at times I almost didn’t recognize myself.

It was not unusual for him to step back and let me know I was being crazy when in fact his actions and behavior were unpredictable and irrational.

If you find yourself acting as I did, in a way that is unstable or abnormal for you then make sure you understand the root cause. There could be a more sinister goal by your partner to eventually use your own behavior against you.

The best way to fight being gaslit is to do your best not to get emotional and show them a stable and normal front even if inside you are anything but.

They tell you everyone else is a liar

On the flip side of using others against you, sometimes gaslighters try to manipulate you by citing everyone (family, friends) and everything (media) is lying to you.

The gaslighter is the soothsayer of truth whom you must trust. Once again, the intent here is to isolate you from others and any information that may hurt their cause.

When entering into, or once in a relationship, always make sure you keep an unfiltered and direct line of communication to one or more people in your life that you trust without question. Someone who has your back and can help spot someone who does not have your best interest at heart.

One final thing to remember about gaslighting. Maybe the most dangerous part of a Gaslighter’s bag of tricks is the fact that they often look and act so normal at first.

They may be handsome or very beautiful, with a great job, close to their family, and have all the things that make them an otherwise extremely eligible companion.

Like water from a leaky faucet, at first, only small drips of their true self and natural behavior will come out. Then later on, as the relationship blossoms and their victim gets emotionally hooked the faucet is turned on and the real abuse begins.

Your job as a smart and safe single is to make sure you spot the drips early on before it’s too late. That’s why it is so important for you to know these gaslighting warning signs and understand how to act the moment you spot one.

Finding true love is most certainly a marathon, not a sprint, so take your time, get to know the people you date slowly before you jump all in, and always trust your instincts. This will not only protect you from getting traumatized by a gaslighter, but also lead you on your path to love and the forever relationship that you deserve.

I’m here to support you on your personal journey to learn how to stop picking toxic relationships and help you find lasting love. Schedule a Free Relationship Readiness Review with me here.

How to recognize and deal with gaslighting

November 7, 2021 Likbez Relationship

It will be difficult to deal with the manipulator alone.

What is gaslighting

Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse in which the victim is made to question their feelings, memories, and general adequacy. As a result, a person is constantly confused, his self-esteem falls, he is unable to defend himself. This is what the manipulator achieves - to make the victim weak and use it to his advantage.

Sometimes gaslighting is unintentional. Then the manipulator himself does not realize what he is doing. But that doesn't make it any easier for the victim.

Unlike physical abuse, psychological abuse does not happen all at once. Robin Stern, PhD, and author of a book on gaslighting, identifies three stages: denial, defense, and depression.

At the first stage, the manipulator begins to behave a little strange. For example, he denies past agreements or confidently declares that there were no events at all. During this period, the victim is still sure that everything that happens is the result of a simple misunderstanding.

In the second stage, the gaslighter's pressure becomes apparent: he accuses his target of sensitivity and stupidity, devaluing her emotions. The victim resists and tries to correct the situation, but all in vain.

At the stage of depression, the object of attacks refuses to fight and begins to believe in the justice of the words of the manipulator. The victim admits that all the quarrels and failures are related to her worthlessness, and begins to obey the gaslighter in everything.

How to recognize gaslighting

Manipulators usually use certain techniques to confuse the victim.

The person is outright lying

Gaslighter regularly denies objective facts and retracts his words. Even if the victim is sure of the reality of the event or she has evidence, the manipulator continues to lie calmly. If the evidence is undeniable, such a person will report that he was misunderstood: "As always, you can do it."

A person's words don't match their actions

For example, they may claim to do all the housework even though they haven't lifted a finger in the last few weeks. Anything to put pressure on your target.

A person regularly offends and offends

These can be sarcastic jokes or frankly offensive statements, the main thing is regularity. In fact, this is the “boiling frog” tactic from the famous anecdote. If you throw a frog into boiling water, it will jump out. But if you place it in warm water, and then gradually increase the temperature, the animal will not even notice how it is cooked. When the victim is devalued a little every day, eventually she gets used to it too.

A person hits the most sensitive places

Manipulators are well aware of their target's weaknesses. For example, if the victim is worried about having a relationship with a child, the gaslighter will claim that such a slacker shouldn't have had children at all. If the target doubts his appearance, it will sound: “Well, let's look at things realistically: where are you with such legs ...”

A person tries to confuse the victim

For example, praises, gives gifts, confesses his love. Psychologists call this behavior positive reinforcement. His goal is to make the victim think that the gaslighter is not so bad, and she invented all the existing problems in the relationship with him or herself to blame for them.

A person uses other people's opinions to deceive

This can be either a real judgment or an imaginary one. For example: "Your sister, by the way, also thinks that you are acting like a child. " Or: “Yes, I saw your colleagues, they say that in this project you are like a fifth wheel to them.” In such a situation, the victim feels that everything around him is against him. And you can only rely on a gaslighter who at least occasionally shows support.

A person incites her relatives against the victim

To do this, he tells the victim's relatives and friends about her shortcomings, ascribes fictitious words and actions to her. The gaslighter ensures that the target is in complete social isolation, when no one believes in her and there is no one to rely on.

The person constantly repeats that everyone else is lying.

This is how the manipulator tries to make the victim doubt reality. And also limit the circle of contacts even more - after all, you can’t trust anyone.

What to do if you are a victim of gaslighting

Can't stand it. Gaslighting is psychological abuse that can destroy your personality, literally. One of the most common symptoms reported by victims of gaslighting is, "I've changed, I'm not who I used to be. "

If you find yourself in a destructive relationship, you need to act. And the first step is to admit that you are in a gaslighting situation. And then psychologists, including Robin Stern, recommend acting like this.

Separate facts from distortions and lies

Keep a special diary for this. Record the key moments of your conversations with someone you consider a gaslighter in it. Later, you can compare your notes with the new interpretation of the potential manipulator.

This approach will allow you to find ground under your feet and stop doubting forever.

Start to respect your feelings and have compassion for yourself

You are the best support you have. Therefore, try to carefully consider your emotions. If you're offended by a tactless joke, you don't have to apologize for having a "bad sense of humor." If you are upset, then there are reasons for that. If you are afraid, fear did not appear out of nowhere. All your experiences are important and worth listening to.

Remember that you can't always change the other person's mind

If he thinks you are wrong about everything, behaves in a wrong way, doesn't feel right, it's better to step aside rather than try again and again something then prove. Let him think what he wants.

Stop the endless showdowns

If you feel like you're having the same conversation over and over again and despite your best efforts you can't get your point across, this dialogue probably doesn't make sense.

Find the strength to talk to close friends

Ask if they notice how you have changed. Find out what they think about your behavior and the actions of the person you think is a gaslighter. Ask people to be extremely sincere.

Do the Thinking Exercises

Imagine that you have ended a toxic relationship, or that a potential gaslighter has temporarily moved to another country. How are you feeling? What are you experiencing? What do you do? It's important that your idea of a free life is as positive as possible - even if it's troubling at first. Imagine yourself strong, free and confident.

This exercise will allow you to gradually break out of a harmful behavioral pattern.

End a destructive relationship

It is often difficult to part with a manipulator, because he can be a spouse, best friend, mother, brother or sister. In this case, in addition to gaslighting, habit and a sense of responsibility also bind you. But try to look at the situation a little from the outside: it's okay to end a relationship with someone who constantly hurts you. It is not necessary to carry an unbearable burden further.

Be prepared for the fact that it can be difficult to get out of such a relationship. You may need the help of friends and family to move out of your gaslighting spouse, for example.

Consult a psychologist

If you are constantly depressed or feel that you are strongly attached to the manipulator and unable to break with him, a visit to a psychologist or psychotherapist is a good solution. The specialist will help restore self-esteem, cope with negative patterns and understand manipulation.

11 signs of emotional abuse, who is an abuser, how to recognize psychological abuse

Physical abuse is unacceptable in any relationship. But there is a more insidious form of violence that friends, family members, and even the victims themselves may not immediately notice. We are talking about emotional abuse, or abuse. Unlike physical and sexual abuse, emotional abuse is a rather subtle tool. With it, the manipulator gains almost unlimited control in the relationship.

Emotional abuse can take many forms, ranging from seemingly harmless but frequent ridicule to open insult and humiliation.

According to psychologists, emotional abuse is not immediately recognized by the victims. Moreover, usually at first the abuser acts as a “good uncle” (aunt) or an attentive boyfriend who shows maximum care, thereby confusing the victim. An abuser is a person who first enters into trust, which makes the object of his attention even more vulnerable. Those who have been emotionally abused for a long time are at risk of future consequences such as anxiety disorder, depression, chronic pain and substance abuse (alcohol, drugs). However, there are a number of signs that give away an emotional abuser and a toxic relationship associated with it. We list them and talk about them in more detail.

1. You constantly curry favor with your partner.

You try not to anger your loved one and carefully choose your words in a conversation with him. “It seems that you have come to terms with a secondary role, diligently controlling yourself, which means that you have learned what to do so that your partner does not insult you openly,” explains psychologist Steven Stonis, author of Love Without Hurt (“Love Without Harm” ).

2. Your partner uses gaslighting techniques

“Your partner is trying to influence your perception of reality by denying or distorting what is really happening. He says things like "You're making it up, it didn't happen" or "I never said/did that". Over time, such statements can develop a sense of self-doubt, and you begin to agree with your partner's distortions. Self-doubt leads to self-doubt, which makes you more vulnerable to a manipulative partner,” says psychotherapist Carol A. Lambert, author of Women with Controlling Partners.

3. Partner requires constant accountability "where, when and with whom"

According to Dr. Lisa Ferenc, trying to maintain complete control can be a serious problem in a relationship. Contact several times a day for the purpose of "checking in" can turn into constant harassment. In simple terms, the requirement to constantly report on the whereabouts of a partner and attempts to limit the freedom of movement and communication with others is one of the characteristic signs of emotional abuse.

4. Partner says hurtful words to you, disguising them as a “joke”

“When you start complaining, they retort that it's just a joke, and you are too suspicious. But the truth is that there is some truth in every sarcastic remark or hurtful joke,” warns psychotherapist Shari Stines. You apologize even when you know you didn't do anything wrong Beverly Engle, author of Emotionally Abusive Relationships.

6. Your partner is either too hot or too cold

“For a while he exudes love, but suddenly becomes cold and inaccessible. You cannot understand the reason, no matter how hard you try. He refuses to communicate, you start to panic, trying to win back his favor, and because of the lack of explanations, you begin to blame yourself. Quite often, this can turn a relatively independent person into a restless sycophant trying to win back a partner’s favor,” says Peg Streep, author of Daughter Detox: Recovering from An Unloving Mother and Reclaiming Your Life. own life").

7. Your partner refuses to acknowledge your strengths and discounts your accomplishments

“Depreciation and derogatory remarks may not be taken seriously at first, but they are not casual slips of the tongue. Most likely, they are aimed precisely at your strengths, which the partner evaluates as a threat and tries to control them. Your partner's reaction to your achievements can say a lot. Does he show little or no interest in you? In a conversation about your virtues, does he change the subject or criticize you for something you don't do? Over time, your sense of self-confidence and sense of self-competence can seriously decrease,” explains Dr. Lambert.

8. A partner restricts you in emotional intimacy, sex, or money for the purpose of "punishment"

Relationships in which "certain conditions" appear are inherently problematic. “Trying to limit emotional attachment or financial support is not always perceived as abuse. Most regard violence as physical harm, but when it comes to limiting or depriving what a person deserves, this is also violence, just emotional,” says Ferenc.

9. You have lost your sexual desire

“This is especially true for women. Usually, women need to trust their partner in order to feel physical and emotional arousal. If a girl feels fearful or angry with her partner, she will not feel safe and her body will react accordingly,” Engle says.

10. You feel sorry for your partner, despite the fact that he hurts you

“Emotional abusers are masters of manipulation. They hurt you while making you think it's your fault, or at least that they were hurt in childhood or past relationships. You just feel sorry for them. Victims of emotional abuse often ignore the behavior of their abusers because they appear miserable, rejected, abandoned,” warns Dr. Stines.

11. The partner suddenly changes plans too often in order to "make a surprise"

Open attempts at control are easy to spot, but there is a more sophisticated method, the so-called "hidden control", which is often resorted to by abusers.

Learn more