After all i ve done for you abuse
4 Stages In The Cycle Of Abuse And How To Heal
Does any of this sound familiar? You’re at home, hiding in the bathroom, crying. You aren’t sure how things got so bad between you and your partner, but it feels like you’re always doing something wrong, or they’re angry.
You have no idea how to make them happy anymore, and it’s gotten so bad that you have to hide your pain from them.
If this is happening to you, you might be in the middle of a cycle of abuse.
However, because this type of abuse can be difficult to identify, you might not be sure about what’s actually going on between you and your partner.
Right now, you might be going through a series of emotions that make everything a blur, such as confusion, guilt, and sadness.
In this article, we’ll review how the cycle of abuse works, how you can identify different types of abuse, and how to break the cycle of abuse.
Finally, you can figure out your situation so that you find a way out of this painful experience. Read on to learn more.
Physical and Emotional Abuse in the Cycle of Abuse
There are two types of abuse that occur during the cycle of abuse, which can also both occur at the same time. The first, which is easier to identify, is physical abuse. If your partner beats you or takes out their emotions on you physically, this is physical abuse.
Of course, there are situations when physical abuse seems so minor that you may not consider it to be. But it still is.
Emotional abuse, on the other hand, is more difficult to identify, even though it can be quite damaging psychologically.
What is Emotional Abuse?
Generally speaking, emotional abuse is something an abuser does so that they can control their partner. Usually, they blame, shame, embarrass, criticize, or use other emotional tactics to manipulate their partner.
When someone does this regularly to their partner, using the cycle of abuse, their bullying behavior and abusive words eventually undermine the victim’s mental health and wear down their self-esteem, often causing feelings of relationship insecurity.
Even though emotional abuse is usually known to occur in romantic relationships, it can occur in any type of relationship, among co-workers, roommates, family members, and friends.
It is also important to note that not only women suffer from abuse.
The Cycle of Abuse
Part of why so many victims choose to stay with their abusers is that there is a cycle of abuse. Because of how it works, it’s easy to think that these recurring events will eventually stop. The cycle of abuse is made up of four stages.
These stages include the building of tension, the abuse incident, the reconciliation, and a period of calm.
The Building of Tension
Usually, abusers harm their victims because they are in a stressful situation. These stressors can make the situation feel tenser. Potential stressors include fatigue, physical illness, trouble at work, or family issues.
The abuser will start exhibiting signs of paranoia, anger, injustice, and powerlessness in response to these stressors.
As you notice this, you find that you’re hyperalert to their needs and feeling guarded and anxious. You’re afraid that abuse is about to happen, whether it’s emotional or physical.
The Abuse Incident
The next step of the cycle of abuse is the abuse incident itself. This can vary, including emotional manipulation, sexual or physical violence, attempts to control the behavior of the victim, threats of property destruction or harm, or name-calling or insults.
This is the point at which you’re most likely to think that you’re having relationship issues.
Reconciliation
After the abuse has occurred, you and your partner will enter the reconciliation phase. Usually, you enter a honeymoon period, brought on by your abuser giving you loving gestures, gifts, and kindness to move past the abuse.
Because your brain usually releases oxytocin and dopamine when this happens, you’re likely to want to stay. You’ll feel more bonded and like your relationship is going to work out after all.
Calm
In order to move forward after the abuse, both people involved need to have an explanation that justifies why it happened. The abusive partner is likely to apologize in such a way that it minimizes your perception of their responsibility for what occurred.
Some of the ways they might establish this period of calm are by:
- Using outside factors as a reason for their behavior
- Apologizing but blaming others at the same time
- Denying or minimizing the abuse itself
- Saying it’s your fault because you provoked them
Once this period of calm begins, it’s easy to pretend that the abuse was an exception. Sometimes, you might not even think it happened, especially if you’re being emotionally manipulated to think it didn’t.
You might even have been manipulated to think it’s your fault, in which case you can’t blame the abuser for it.
Unfortunately, in abusive situations, this calm doesn’t last forever. Once more external stressors come in, they can set off your partner again.
Signs of Emotional Abuse
Now that we’ve answered the question, “What is the cycle of abuse?”, we’ll get into the specific types of emotional abuse and what they might look like. Because it can be hard to identify emotional abuse, it’s important to know what these signs are.
In fact, a large part of emotional abuse is controlling your perceptions. This is called gaslighting. The abuser, in this case, makes it nearly impossible for the victim to see what’s happening, which is why it’s essential to review this list.
Invalidation
One of the tactics emotional abusers use is invalidation. If they don’t accept your feelings and tell you instead how to feel about something, they’re invalidating your feelings. It feels like your side of things doesn’t count. Other examples include:
- Distorting, dismissing, or undermining your reality or perceptions
- Making you give explanations of your feelings over and over
- Telling you you’re “crazy,” “too emotional,” or “too sensitive”
They might also accuse you of being too materialistic, needy, or materialistic when you express what you need.
They’re also likely to say you’re blowing something out of proportion or don’t see your ideas or opinions as valid.
Having Unrealistic Expectations
Often, emotional abusers have unrealistic expectations. They might want you to spend all your time with them, be dissatisfied with all your efforts to make them happy, or want you to put everything in your life aside for them.
Emotional Blackmail
Emotional blackmail is another tactic emotional abusers use. They might humiliate you in private or in public, use your compassion, fears, or values to control you in a situation, or punish you by giving you the silent treatment or withholding affection.
Creating Chaos
Emotional abusers also create chaos. This interrupts your sense of stability. They might have sudden emotional outbursts or drastic mood changes, start arguments for no reason, or make statements that are contradictory or confusing.
Isolating and Controlling You
When you’re being emotionally abused, your abuser will try to isolate and control you.
For example, they might control how often you see your family and friends. They might even forbid you from seeing a specific person. Other signs of this type of control include:
- Being jealous of other relationships
- Accusing you of wanting to cheat or having cheated
- Monitoring your email, social media, and text messages
- Making fun of or criticizing those close to you
- Demanding to always know where you are
Additional isolation and control tactics include controlling your finances, using envy and jealousy as signs of love, treating you like property or a possession, and hiding or taking your car keys.
Acting Superior
If you often feel quite small around your abuser, then they are probably using the tactic of acting superior. When your abuser does this, they might blame you for their shortcomings or mistakes, treat you like you’re an inferior, or act condescending.
How to Deal with Emotional and Physical Abuse
If you find that you’re trapped in the cycle of abuse, you might be feeling a bit scared about your well-being.
You might also feel a bit heartbroken, knowing that there are some pretty intense issues going on within your relationship.
Despite the difficult position you find yourself in now, this is actually a good thing. Why?
The first step in getting out of the cycle of abuse is knowing that it’s going on. Now that you know your situation, you can start to improve it. You deserve better. You deserve to be happy. You can be. Here’s how.
Prioritize Yourself
First of all, you want to prioritize yourself. Instead of thinking about your partner’s needs, think about your own. What do you need to be physically healthy? Eat well, exercise, and get the sleep you need.
As for emotional health, affirm yourself and think positively. Finally, you can start healing.
Establish Your Boundaries
Now that you’ve identified the abuse, you can establish your boundaries. Tell your partner that they’re no longer allowed to be rude to you, insult you, or yell at you. Have consequences that occur if they don’t respect your boundaries.
For example, you could go out for a walk if they start yelling at you or being unkind.
Don’t Blame Yourself
When you experience emotional abuse, you lose a lot of your self-worth. Additionally, your partner might put the blame on you for many things. As a result, you might be in the habit of blaming yourself. Now that you know about the cycle of abuse, you might be thinking:
“I can’t believe this is happening to me. How I could be so stupid to get into this situation? How haven’t I recognized any of the signs?”
Just remember that this isn’t your fault. This is your abuser’s fault, and no one else’s.
Create a Support Network
Because it’s so easy to feel isolated when you’ve been emotionally abused, you might feel completely alone in this situation. But this isn’t the case at all. There are many people who love you, and it’s just a matter of reaching out.
If any of your friends or family are upset about your distance recently, you can explain a bit about how you were isolated and controlled.
You’d be surprised, however, by how many people will welcome you back with open arms without any explanation at all.
Create an Exit Plan
If your partner continues their behavior even after you’ve established your boundaries and spoken to them about the abuse, you need to get out of this relationship. It isn’t healthy for you to stay in it—or for your partner.
It can be complicated to get out of a relationship. To prepare, speak with a therapist, a trusted friend, or someone in your family. Keep in mind that your exit plan could end up backfiring.
If you think you might end up in a dangerous situation if you try to get out, you should speak with a therapist first about the signs that your partner could be violent toward you if you want to leave.
This way, you can find a way to safely leave your abuser so that you can start to live your own, happy life again.
Need Help?
Now that you’ve learned about the cycle of abuse, the different types of abuse, and how to heal, you might need help.
Maybe you want to learn about more strategies you can use to identify abuse or to get past it.
Or maybe you’re looking for a therapist to help you get through this difficult time.
If you are ready to end the cycle of abuse and move toward healing, get started with Pennsylvania online therapy. We serve the Greater Pittsburgh, PA area, the Philidelphia, PA region, and the entire state of Pennsylvania. To learn more about how we can help you, start your healing journey now.
Toxic People: 12 Things They Do and How to Deal with Them
by Karen Young
13,153,734
VIEWSWe have all had toxic people dust us with their poison. Sometimes it’s more like a drenching. Difficult people are drawn to the reasonable ones and all of us have likely had (or have) at least one person in our lives who have us bending around ourselves like barbed wire in endless attempts to please them – only to never really get there.
Their damage lies in their subtlety and the way they can engender that classic response, ‘It’s not them, it’s me.’ They can have you questioning your ‘over-reactiveness’, your ‘oversensitivity’, your ‘tendency to misinterpret’. If you’re the one who’s continually hurt, or the one who is constantly adjusting your own behaviour to avoid being hurt, then chances are that it’s not you and it’s very much them.
Being able to spot their harmful behaviour is the first step to minimising their impact. You might not be able to change what they do, but you can change what you do with it, and any idea that toxic somebody in your life might have that they can get away with it.
There are plenty of things toxic people do to manipulate people and situations to their advantage. Here are 12 of them. Knowing them will help you to avoid falling under the influence:
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They’ll keep you guessing about which version of them you’re getting.
They’ll be completely lovely one day and the next you’ll be wondering what you’ve done to upset them.
There often isn’t anything obvious that will explain the change of attitude – you just know something isn’t right. They might be prickly, sad, cold or cranky and when you ask if there’s something wrong, the answer will likely be ‘nothing’ – but they’ll give you just enough to let you know that there’s something. The ‘just enough’ might be a heaving sigh, a raised eyebrow, a cold shoulder. When this happens, you might find yourself making excuses for them or doing everything you can to make them happy. See why it works for them?Stop trying to please them. Toxic people figured out a long time ago that decent people will go to extraordinary lengths to keep the people they care about happy. If your attempts to please aren’t working or aren’t lasting for very long, maybe it’s time to stop. Walk away and come back when the mood has shifted. You are not responsible for anybody else’s feelings. If you have done something unknowingly to hurt somebody, ask, talk about it and if need be, apologise.
At any rate, you shouldn’t have to guess.
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They’ll manipulate.
If you feel as though you’re the only one contributing to the relationship, you’re probably right. Toxic people have a way of sending out the vibe that you owe them something. They also have a way of taking from you or doing something that hurts you, then maintaining they were doing it all for you. This is particularly common in workplaces or relationships where the balance of power is out. ‘I’ve left that six months’ worth of filing for you. I thought you’d appreciate the experience and the opportunity to learn your way around the filing cabinets.’ Or, ‘I’m having a dinner party. Why don’t you bring dinner. For 10. It’ll give you a chance to show off those kitchen skills. K?’
You don’t owe anybody anything. If it doesn’t feel like a favour, it’s not.
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They won’t own their feelings.
Rather than owning their own feelings, they’ll act as though the feelings are yours.
It’s called projection, as in projecting their feelings and thoughts onto you. For example, someone who is angry but won’t take responsibility for it might accuse you of being angry with them. It might be as subtle as, ‘Are you okay with me?’ or a bit more pointed, ‘Why are you angry at me,’ or, ‘You’ve been in a bad mood all day.’You’ll find yourself justifying and defending and often this will go around in circles – because it’s not about you. Be really clear on what’s yours and what’s theirs. If you feel as though you’re defending yourself too many times against accusations or questions that don’t fit, you might be being projected on to. You don’t have to explain, justify or defend yourself or deal with a misfired accusation. Remember that.
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They’ll make you prove yourself to them.
They’ll regularly put you in a position where you have to choose between them and something else – and you’ll always feel obliged to choose them. Toxic people will wait until you have a commitment, then they’ll unfold the drama.
‘If you really cared about me you’d skip your exercise class and spend time with me.’ The problem with this is that enough will never be enough. Few things are fatal – unless it’s life or death, chances are it can wait.[irp posts=”1195″ name=”Toxic People: 16 Practical, Powerful Ways to Deal With Them”]
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They never apologise.
They’ll lie before they ever apologise, so there’s no point arguing. They’ll twist the story, change the way it happened and retell it so convincingly that they’ll believe their own nonsense.
People don’t have to apologise to be wrong. And you don’t need an apology to move forward. Just move forward – without them. Don’t surrender your truth but don’t keep the argument going. There’s just no point. Some people want to be right more than they want to be happy and you have better things to do than to provide fodder for the right-fighters.
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They’ll be there in a crisis but they’ll never ever share your joy.
They’ll find reasons your good news isn’t great news. The classics: About a promotion – ‘The money isn’t that great for the amount of work you’ll be doing.’ About a holiday at the beach – ‘Well it’s going to be very hot. Are you sure you want to go?’ About being made Queen of the Universe – ‘Well the Universe isn’t that big you know and I’m pretty sure you won’t get tea breaks.’ Get the idea? Don’t let them dampen you or shrink you down to their size. You don’t need their approval anyway – or anyone else’s for that matter.
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They’ll leave a conversation unfinished – and then they’ll go offline.
They won’t pick up their phone. They won’t answer texts or emails. And in between rounds of their voicemail message, you might find yourself playing the conversation or argument over and over in your head, guessing about the status of the relationship, wondering what you’ve done to upset them, or whether they’re dead, alive or just ignoring you – which can sometimes all feel the same.
People who care about you won’t let you go on feeling rubbish without attempting to sort it out. That doesn’t mean you’ll sort it out of course, but at least they’ll try. Take it as a sign of their investment in the relationship if they leave you ‘out there’ for lengthy sessions. -
They’ll use non-toxic words with a toxic tone.
The message might be innocent enough but the tone conveys so much more. Something like, ‘What did you do today?’ can mean different things depending on the way it’s said. It could mean anything from ‘So I bet you did nothing – as usual,’ to ‘I’m sure your day was better than mine. Mine was awful. Just awful. And you didn’t even notice enough to ask.’ When you question the tone, they’ll come back with, ‘All I said was what did you do today,’ which is true, kind of, not really.
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They’ll bring irrelevant detail into a conversation.
When you’re trying to resolve something important to you, toxic people will bring in irrelevant detail from five arguments ago.
The problem with this is that before you know it, you’re arguing about something you did six months ago, still defending yourself, rather than dealing with the issue at hand. Somehow, it just always seems to end up about what you’ve done to them. -
They’ll make it about the way you’re talking, rather than what you’re talking about.
You might be trying to resolve an issue or get clarification and before you know it, the conversation/ argument has moved away from the issue that was important to you and on to the manner in which you talked about it – whether there is any issue with your manner or not. You’ll find yourself defending your tone, your gestures, your choice of words or the way your belly moves when you breathe – it doesn’t even need to make sense. Meanwhile, your initial need is well gone on the pile of unfinished conversations that seems to grow bigger by the day.
[irp posts=”1762″ name=”When Someone You Love is Toxic: How to Let Go of Toxic People, Without Guilt”]
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They exaggerate.
‘You always …’ ‘You never …’ It’s hard to defend yourself against this form of manipulation. Toxic people have a way of drawing on the one time you didn’t or the one time you did as evidence of your shortcomings. Don’t buy into the argument. You won’t win. And you don’t need to.
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They are judgemental.
We all get it wrong sometimes but toxic people will make sure you know it. They’ll judge you and take a swipe at your self-esteem suggesting that you’re less than because you made a mistake. We’re all allowed to get it wrong now and then, but unless we’ve done something that affects them nobody has the right to stand in judgement.
Knowing the favourite go-to’s for toxic people will sharpen your radar, making the manipulations easier to spot and easier to name. More importantly, if you know the characteristic signs of a toxic person, you’ll have a better chance of catching yourself before you tie yourself in double knots trying to please them.
Some people can’t be pleased and some people won’t be good for you – and many times that will have nothing to do with you. You can always say no to unnecessary crazy. Be confident and own your own faults, your quirks and the things that make you shine. You don’t need anyone’s approval but remember if someone is working hard to manipulate, it’s probably because they need yours. You don’t always have to give it but if you do, don’t let the cost be too high.
| Main other Economics Finance Marketing Astronomy Geography Biology Informatics Culture Physics Philosophy Chemistry Bank Law Military Accounting Journalism Sports Psychology Literature Music Medicine | page 1page 2 . .. page 5page 6 Richard HuismanThe Justice Factor Foreword “And after everything I've done for you...” - this phrase expresses our disappointment when we suddenly find that we cannot change the situation and get what we expected. This book is for those who would like to learn how to influence people and improve relationships with them. At work, your ability to get along with people largely determines your credibility with both management and colleagues. At home, the ability to manage relationships with a wife (husband), children and friends can significantly affect the moral climate in the family and make it pleasant to communicate with each other. This book is about the single most important element of a successful relationship - the Fairness Factor. As you read it, you will discover one very important thing: the basis of any relationship is the principle, or, as we call it, the Fairness Factor. This book shows that the so-called new management that is emerging today is the management of relationships. We believe that at work, greater productivity will be achieved not through the introduction of new technologies and innovations, but by changing the attitude towards work of the workers themselves. At home, relationships will improve if you learn how to help others get what they would like to get from a relationship with you. Richard C. Huisman, John D. Hatfield Charlie's Story His name was Charlie. He was a consultant to a large commercial firm, working with organizations around the world, and by all standards he was doing very well. When Charlie asked where we were going, we named Toronto where we were to hold the seminar. Charlie inquired about the topic of the seminar, and we replied: "And that's after everything I've done for you..." After repeating this phrase aloud, Charlie calmly said: "It's just about me." For the next hour we listened to the story of our fellow traveler. And as he talked about his wife, daughter, dog, it became clearer to us why the phrase "and this, after all that I have done for you ..." has a special meaning for him. Charlie, talking about his relationship with his wife, did not hide the fact that he had to travel a lot on business, he was often not at home on weekends, he forgot to congratulate his wife on her birthday and wedding anniversary. But he worked hard and “invested” a lot in the family: a significant bank account, a swimming pool in the yard, two cars and vacations in exotic places, where, by all accounts, only the “rich” and “famous” go. Imagine Charlie's surprise when he returned home from a business trip one Friday to find that his wife was leaving him. During the divorce proceedings, it turned out that for 27 years, the wife wanted not only to increase his salary, but also the time that he would spend with her. Charlie also thought that he made a significant "contribution" to the relationship with his daughter. When she was a small child, he never returned from a business trip without a gift for her. He liked to watch her tiny face light up with a smile when she unwrapped the package she received. Of course, sometimes Charlie felt guilty about spending a lot of time away from home. But he believed that his trips would help earn money for his daughter's education. As a result, when the time came, she actually entered a very expensive school. Charlie believed that he was financially ready for this. But the more money he sent, the more she needed. His situation became completely unbearable when his daughter moved into a new apartment that cost $400 a month (the old apartment cost her $325 a semester), while instructing the landlord to send monthly bills to her dear daddy Charlie. Charlie almost cried at his college prom. But not because he was particularly happy with the completion of his daughter's 5.5-year education. The tears were brought on by the thought of the thousands of dollars he still had to pay back to the college. When we asked how his daughter was doing and what she was doing now, we were surprised when Charlie quietly replied that he didn't know: "We haven't spoken to each other for three years." As a result of the divorce proceedings, Charlie sold the house and split the proceeds in half with his ex-wife. He rented an apartment and bought a dog for $500. Naturally, that $500 cost of his new companion was just the beginning. This was followed by visits to the veterinarian, which turned out to be more expensive than many "human" doctors. Then there were: compulsory training on the dog playground, the payment of persons caring for the dog during the absence of the owner, and many other expenses that Charlie did not even suspect existed. After landing in Pittsburgh, we asked Charlie where he was heading next. It turned out to be for examination in a psychiatric clinic. Apparently, after all that Charlie had done for his firm, the firm's management decided to give him a "rest." Charlie hoped that after a few days of examination, the doctors would prescribe treatment and relieve his depression. So, at 60, Charlie is lonely, confused about his life and preoccupied with the failure of his relationships with people. Now, perhaps you can understand why the phrase "and this after all that I have done for you ..." perfectly conveys his condition. But Charlie is certainly no exception. 50,000 people leave their jobs every day in the US. Imagine: Every day 2122 families break up in the USA. Out of every two marriages, one ends in divorce. And how many couples actually divorced, but legally continue to live together? The survey showed that in real life in "happy" families, husbands and wives talk to each other on average 15 minutes a week. Moreover, daily remarks like “pass me the ham” or “where is the newspaper?” are not taken into account. We are talking about serious conversations in which the positions of each of the parties on the issue under discussion are determined. And even uttered in these precious 15 minutes, seven out of ten statements have a negative connotation: “You exceeded the score again!”, “Why do I always have to take the children to school?”, “And how long will your mother stay with us?” Imagine: Every day in the US, about 1380 teenagers run away from home. Maybe you don't fit into any of these statistical categories. We also hope you don't have much in common with Charlie. But the reality is this: - problems arise contrary to our desires: we want to have good business employees, we want to have a family that satisfies us, we want to enjoy communicating with children; - we are trying to do something: we often think, worry and try to find somewhere a clue how to maintain a vital relationship for us; - it is our ignorance of that makes us do what we should not do, and not do what we should in order to preserve the relationships that we cherish. As you read this book, you will understand why people do things the way they do at work and at home. You will find that, guided only by the Equity Factor, you can keep a good specialist at work, and create a calm atmosphere at home. Please note! Much of what we offer in this book, not , is based on the so-called golden rule "do for others what you would like for yourself." In the following, we will prove to you that the literal application of this golden rule in relationships can create so many problems for a person that it is difficult to even imagine. Please note! The Fairness Factor is most important in relationships. In addition, the Equity Factor and the rules for its application do not support the old adage "it is better to give than to take." It turns out that for a good relationship is important both to give and to receive. Please note! Your relationship is not affected by your intentions, or by your efforts, or by the amount of time spent developing that relationship. What really matters is how they are perceived by another person. In this case, the expression will be true: beauty is actually a reflection of the gaze of the beholder. First, we will reveal the essence of the Fairness Factor and its impact on interpersonal relationships. Secondly, we will help you figure out why sometimes others do not understand and do not approve of your actions. Third, we will talk about the difficulties that people face in trying to maintain good relationships, and why sometimes, despite good intentions, they do the wrong thing. Finally, we will show how to apply the Rules of Equity in practice. We hope that after reading this book, you will be able to greatly improve your relationships with those close to you. See also: A book about how to influence people. 1011.99kb. 6 page Read this letter to the very end without skipping a single page 256.79kb. 1 page What attracts attention on the mountain? 477.58kb. 3 page Project I am a researcher "musical noisemakers" 97.94kb. 1 page Lesson #11. 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And once you understand how the Equity Factor makes people react and act the way they do, you will understand why sometimes people don't do what you expect them to do. 
Despite all this, Charlie's relationship with the dog ended one night when he returned home from a business trip. He opened the door, entered the apartment - and his expensive dog, worth 500 US dollars, rushed at him and bit him on the leg. Charlie sold the dog the very next day. 
Some go to better jobs. Many are not. But even these statistics do not take into account all those who, having already lost interest in work, continue to come to their jobs. In reality, 85% of American workers believe they could work harder, according to the latest data. More than half say they could double their productivity "if they wanted to." 
Many of them are forever lost sight of. Of course, we don’t know how many teenagers emotionally “run away from home”, continuing to live with their parents despite the strained relationship. 
You will also learn about the rules of practical application of the Fairness Factor in dealing with people. At work, these rules will help you manage your subordinates more successfully, increase their contribution to the common cause of the company, and at the expense of the desire of the employees themselves. At home, these rules will help you improve relationships with household members. 
"And this is after everything I've done for you" 
However, you may have a legitimate question: what is the difference between this book and other manuals what does an employer do when they receive a response
If we are not talking about a narrow or technical specialty, most often there are a lot of responses to a vacancy - a hundred per day, and sometimes more.
The search for a specialist in a common specialty usually takes 2-3 weeks. Therefore, the chances that your resume will be seen at all are many times higher if you responded on the first day after the vacancy appeared. But if you sent your resume on the third day, be prepared for the fact that there are already several candidates in the job and your resume will end up on a long waiting list.
This does not mean that it should not be sent. But it definitely means that when you see a suitable vacancy that has just appeared, you need to respond immediately, and not leave yourself a day or two “to think”. Most often, you simply don’t have these days in stock: while you are thinking, the company is already interviewing other candidates.
In a small company, your resume most often gets to the head. In a large one - to an HR manager or recruiter. But in both cases, the person who analyzes the resume wants to find the right specialist as soon as possible and close the vacancy with the candidate “from the first pack”, because this is time and effort.
There are also resumes that are too good to refuse, but not good enough to be considered without question. They fall into the "postpone" folder - in reserve. But, to be honest, the hands rarely reach the stock: after all, there are already people in the leaderboard who are waiting for the next stage.
So here the key to success is to think about the reader . Build a bridge between your experience and this position. Help the employer see that that great employee is you.
And write down the key leads for this particular job in your resume. Yes, it's perfectly fine to use words from the job description in your resume - as long as they really reflect what you did. And yes, it is completely normal and even mandatory to edit a resume for each vacancy.
Only a bad recruiter rates resumes based on keywords alone. The structure of the resume, experience, qualifications, how many years the candidate has worked in this field, how many times he changed jobs - all these are things that are paid attention to in the first place and which should be evident in the very first seconds. Even if you are a brilliant candidate, you may simply not be seen in a stream of superfluous words or too abstract expressions. Therefore, before applying for a job, clean up your resume.
For example, if a person sends a resume with the heading “office manager” for a marketer vacancy and his experience is described only as an office manager, this will be a 100% refusal.
Yes, it is quite possible that a person studied or had the opportunity to practice somewhere, but how does the employer find out about this if no one bothered to write?
The interview is almost like a blind date. Not completely, of course, blindly - and information about you has already been collected, and you have probably googled all open sources and found out a lot about the company, found the profiles of managers in social networks, evaluated public policy on the site and in groups. But the meeting still brings surprises. That is why she is needed.
If you received an invitation, you most likely already met the formal requirements at the resume selection stage. You are good at something, you are good at something. And the meeting is a way to understand if we can do something together. And this is the territory of unpredictability.
At the meeting, they look, firstly, at common cultural codes, a similar background, or, conversely, at a unique and dissimilar, but very necessary in this particular team as a missing ingredient.
Secondly, to meet informal requirements that the candidate will most likely never know about. The only way is, just like on dates, to be yourself and let yourself be known, because it's impossible to pretend all your (work) life anyway. Unfortunately, informal demands can also be discriminatory, despite all the laws. “Only an unmarried woman, otherwise she will go on maternity leave”, “we do not consider candidates with tattoos”, “our in-house astrologer will make a personal horoscope and calculate compatibility”; and so on.
Such demands never come from the recruiter, although by tradition it is he who is blamed. The recruiter really wants to fill the vacancy, and any additional requirement moves him away from the goal. A good recruiter will certainly try to convey to the customer the absurdity of the requirements that narrow the selection. But whether he will succeed is a big question.
However, is there any reason to try to get into a company that looks at things like this? Discrimination sometimes saves you from not the best colleagues and boss.
Often two or three people are involved in the interview: the future leader, an expert in your field, and an HR manager. Some evaluate professional skills, others evaluate communication skills, resulting in a three-dimensional picture. After seeing the candidate, interviewers discuss the interview on fresh tracks and, based on the results, make a decision: refuse, give a test task, invite a second time, or immediately make an offer.
In large companies, the discussion either takes place in writing, or the recruiter collects feedback from everyone and displays a common opinion. And the interview can also take place in stages: different people succeed each other, and, of course, a different contact can develop with each of them.
Therefore, alas, an invitation to an interview does not mean anything yet - it's just a first date. But the final impression is most often mutual - if you had a good time at the interview, most likely, the other side too. If you were turned down after such an interview, most likely it’s not about you personally, but about your lack of purely technical skills or the presence of a more experienced and suitable competitor.
A test task can be given both before and after the interview. What does it say? If before, it means that there are quite a lot of candidates and this is a way to make an additional screening. In this case, the task is given to everyone the same and fairly standard.
If after, then there may be options. If the task came immediately and covers all the hypothetical areas of your future activity, most likely it was sent to everyone. This is a way to confirm those skills that you can’t test verbally (for example, the ability to write correctly and interestingly). Skills for some positions simply cannot be tested in any other way than a trial assignment, and this method does not replace a portfolio of finished work.
If the task is sent a day or two after the interview, there is a chance that the task was invented specifically for you. Maybe something was left unsaid or raised questions. I liked you, but I want to make sure that you really know how to do the work - a test task on a specific topic will confirm this.
There may be several reasons. Yes, probably the choice was not made for you, but they simply did not begin to report. A professional recruiter will not do this, but, unfortunately, not all professionals. Therefore, it is quite reasonable to call in a week or two and ask - are you still considering me?
Silence for a week does not mean anything terrible.
It's just that the selection process can take longer. Say, at the first stage, a dozen suitable resumes were selected, and until all candidates have passed interviews and tests, a decision will not be made.
Or maybe after these ten interviews there will be a conclusion - everyone is good, but not perfect, let's cast the bait again. So if you see an updated vacancy, this still does not mean a rejection - it only means that the process continues.
Or maybe the director who makes the final decision went on vacation or flew away on a business trip. Or the vacancy is suspended for some reason. Or the head of the department is being replaced, and he wants to figure everything out first, and only then take on a new employee.
And so several months passed. You have long given up on that old, unfinished series of interviews and tests. And suddenly the phone rings: “This is company X, we have interviewed you for the position of a marketer and would like to continue communication.
