Affairs after 50
‘GREY’ ZONE: More women over 50 are having affairs
Author of the article:
Denette Wilford
Published Feb 13, 2023 • 2 minute read
38 Comments The instances of divorce after long marriages has increased significantly over the years, but for women, it’s becoming quite the phenomenon. Getty ImagesArticle content
A growing number of older women are having affairs – and they aren’t apologizing for it.
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Gender expert and author Susan Shapiro Barash has studied female infidelity and found that grey divorces and affairs are on the rise.
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“Women in their 50s and 60s are actively seeking lovers and engaging in extramarital affairs,” Barash told The Toronto Sun.
“Some leave their marriages, some stay.”
Grey divorce is a term that’s become widely used when referring to couples 50 and older who are splitting up.
The instances of divorce after long marriages has increased significantly over the years, but for women, it’s becoming quite the phenomenon.
Barash found in her most recent research on women and infidelity — all of which can be found in her current book A Passion for More — that during the last few years, the women she spoke with were older.
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Since before COVID, and especially during COVID, I kept hearing a very diverse group of women – in terms of age, ethnicity, race, religion, level of education, from sophisticated suburbs and cities to rural areas – talking about these affairs,” she explained.
“It really speaks to female agency and the fight against ageism, in a way, in a culture that is very much about judging women for their age,” Barash said.
“But when we think of grey divorce and the fact that 69% of women of all ages instigate the dissolution of the marriage, then we think, ‘How many women will engage in an affair at some point in their marriage?’”
With so many people choosing not to grow old together, it makes one wonder – what happened?
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“We’re raised on these myths: happily ever after, some prince sweeping us off our feet and being provided for,” Barash said.
But we all know fairy tales are only in books and movies.
“A lover is filling whatever void there is in the marriage, and what we’re really talking about is getting what you can’t have and having it be a very different experience,” said Barash, who added, “78% of the women in my studies said that the husband and the lover are complete opposites.
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Sometimes an affair is purely sex-driven, other times it’s about improving self-esteem, and for some, it really does become a love story.
“Those are the toughest of the stories because it’s unexpected, where everything seemed fine until this other person came along.”
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This Week in Flyers
Infidelity is raging in the 55+ crowd — but with a twist
My friend has been married to the same man she met in college and fell in love with more than 45 years ago. Together, they raised a passel of children who are all adults now. And together they have enough grandkids to field a family soccer team. Their home, as The Highwomen song goes, has “a crowded table where there’s a place by the fire for everyone.” Open, inclusive, warm. Safe and lasting.
If you had asked me last month whether they were happy, my answer would have been a resounding “yes.” But then my friend called with some shocking news. Her 69-year-old husband told her that a few weeks earlier he had met another woman on Facebook. The online relationship led to coffee, a walk on the beach, and intense deep conversation.
He said that this new woman, who is the same age as his wife lest you think that’s where this is going, excites him in a way he had never felt — or at least could no longer remember.
He said the quandary was that he also deeply valued my friend and the life they had built together.
And so he had a proposal: He wanted an open marriage, one where he would spend half the week with his wife doing the regular things they always had, and then he would spend the balance of his time with this new woman, getting to know her better and seeing if she was, in fact, the person he was meant to spend the rest of his life with.
No, my friend didn’t murder him on the spot. Instead she called her lawyer and then her therapist — in that order.
My friend, as of this writing, is moving forward with a speedy divorce. She is crushed to smithereens, but hasn’t lost her wits about her. She can think about nothing else, she said, and ping-pongs between hating her husband for his betrayal and hoping he comes back to her.
She has a conversation in her head while she waits for the sleeping pill to kick in where she debates how she would feel if he had merely been physically unfaithful to her — say, had a one-night stand — than his emotional cheating on her.
Emotional fidelity is the glue to any marriage, she said, which is why hers is now unraveling.
But my friend is also a pragmatist who spent her career doing scientific research, and also told me that what happened to her is hardly unique: Older people mess around. And they do so in greater numbers than ever before.
Research says older people are less likely to dissolve their marriages in the wake of extramarital sex.
Right about the time when we accepted “70 as the new 50,” the average age at which people reported having affairs outside their marriage rose sharply. Today, Americans aged 55 and older report having more extramarital affairs than Americans under 55, according to The Institute for Family Studies. Until 2000, the opposite was true.
There are a few reasons for that. We are talking, of course, about a generation that came of age during the sexual revolution. Having multiple sex partners was the norm. Some grew up with parents who were swingers.
Further, this is the generation quite familiar with using drugs to enhance their sexual experiences.
Back then it was weed and hallucinogens. Today, drugs like Cialis and Viagra are back in the bedroom helping things out. Men with erectile dysfunction can take a pill, and for women with vaginal dryness, there are lubes that even come with CBD oil, a product derived from cannabis.
My researching friend says in her case, there was a perfect storm. Her husband is 69 — about to hit one of those milestone birthdays that slam you in the gut and you assess your life and happiness and wonder if you couldn’t be doing better.
But there was one piece of research that my friend found that gives her pause. In between calling her husband every name in the book and saying she could never trust him again, she found that older people are less likely to dissolve their marriages in the wake of extramarital sex.
That said, there is a long stretch of highway between forgiveness and forgetting and my friend hasn’t even gotten on the road.
Ann Brenoff was a staff writer and columnist for the Los Angeles Times, where she won a shared Pulitzer for coverage of the Northridge Earthquake.
Most recently, she was a senior writer and columnist for HuffPost based in Los Angeles.
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See Also
A sex therapist answers 5 common questions about sexless marriages. (What is a “normal” amount of sex?)
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5 tips for having sex again after a long hiatus
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8 dating mistakes people over 50 make
Ann Brenoff•February 13, 2023
what awaits us and how to stay active
In the bank, the client was called a woman, and she runs in horror to the mirror to check if she looks so bad that she was not called “girl”. A 40-year-old lady quite seriously tells her friend that they can no longer have any hobbies, while a 60-year-old woman invites her friend to meet more often, because life is fleeting.
So many people, so many opinions, but it is these episodes that leave a deep imprint on our memory. We react very sharply to questions related to the past years. Someone frankly thinks that he is still far from old age, because even at 50, and even at 60, most are full of strength and energy.
However, it is at this age that the realization comes that wilting, helplessness and illness await ahead. Therefore, many lose the meaning of life, try to come to terms, get angry at themselves and others. And in order to avoid all of the above, you just need to reconsider your attitude to age and everything connected with it.
OLD AGE WILL WAIT
Russian classics raised the issue of age perception. Remember how Andrei Bolkonsky in Tolstoy reflected that life is not over at 31, or how Turgenev in The Nest of Nobles described a 45-year-old woman as a toothless old woman with a wrinkled face. In our time, up to 60 years, people lead an active life.
Progress is moving forward, medicine is constantly mastering new technologies and offering fresh methods, our existence is becoming more comfortable - thanks to this, the onset of old age is pushed further and further. At the same time, the main paradox lies in the fact that the consciousness of people does not keep up with modernization.
Our society offers a woman after 55-60 years to go on a well-deserved rest and try on the image of a grandmother.
Unlike us, in the West there has long been a different culture of aging and a new attitude towards older people. There, people after 60 begin to lead an active lifestyle, walk a lot, travel, play sports. And this is normal, because researchers have long proved that real old age does not occur before 75 years.
SHOULD BE A GRANDMA
In Ukraine, the situation is completely different. First of all, this is due to the fact that the standards of life of Western women at an older and advanced age are far from our reality. It is one thing to be a pensioner in a developed country with a good financial income and great opportunities, and quite another to receive a living wage from us.
Moreover, in Ukraine, society offers women after 55 only a well-deserved rest and the role of a grandmother. And those who do not have grandchildren feel guilty, as if they did not cope with the task at all.
Psychologists note that the pension for women at the age of 55 was invented in Soviet times, taking into account life expectancy, as well as the physical and psycho-emotional state of the body. As for today, the state is interested in the institution of grandmothers, because it provides less and less financial assistance to families with children.
Sociologists note that, on the one hand, Ukrainian women were emancipated much earlier than Western ones, since they started working after the revolution 1917 years old. But on the other hand, they cannot imagine their life without marriage, children and grandchildren.
WHY WE ARE AFRAID OF GROWING OLD
A person of near-retirement age experiences the same feelings as a small child who has played with his friends and now does not want to go home with his parents. Even after 50, people are well aware that their figure has changed and gray hair and wrinkles have already appeared, but they are still full of strength and energy, so it is not at all surprising that they are not ready to consider themselves old.
Not only are they afraid of the amount of future income, which sometimes barely reaches the subsistence level, they are also afraid of the fact that now the rhythm of life will change dramatically. According to many, after retirement, a person becomes limited in communication and he has a lot of free time, which he does not know what to do with.
Negative attitudes towards “deserved rest” are also formed by childhood memories. Most of us saw grandparents running to work and being cheerful and cheerful, but as soon as they retired, health problems immediately appeared.
HOW TO KEEP YOUNGER INTERNAL
The appearance of 50-year-old people is very different. Some look very young, while others, on the contrary, are much older than their years. Over time, this gap becomes more and more noticeable.
Psychologists note that it is quite difficult to determine the chronological boundaries of old age and old age. It is customary to distinguish between psychological, social and biological "withering", with the first factor playing a leading role. As soon as a person begins to put up with his advanced age, his intellectual activity begins to decline. And vice versa, if people, despite the years, continue to learn something new and lead an active lifestyle, they feel young and they do not care what numbers are written in the passport.
DON'T DENY YOURSELF IN SMALL
In adulthood, many no longer want to change something in their lives, so they do not set themselves global goals and do not try to strive for something. However, this variant of behavior is inherent only to our compatriots after 50, their peers in Western countries try to remain as active as possible for as long as possible. They attend language courses or study computer design, go in for sports, needlework and travel a lot, they strive to learn new things and follow the changes in the world.
If desired, our older people can also afford to travel. The main thing is to really want it. Travel agencies offer many bus tours at an affordable price, among which everyone can choose an interesting direction.
Another erroneous opinion of our compatriots is that at an older and mature age it is impossible to find friends and meet a soul mate. All these myths that have been driven into people's heads for decades. Do not be afraid to leave the comfort zone, and then everyone will be able to lead an active lifestyle after 50.
FIND A HOBBY
Psychologists advise you not to leave your favorite job as long as you have the strength. Moreover, in order not to experience a spiritual crisis after retirement, think in advance about what you will do. There can be several hobbies: sports, needlework, fishing, walking with grandchildren, meeting friends, learning languages, traveling, photography and much more. In other words, now you have a chance to do all the things that you never had time for before. And most importantly, by continuing to develop and learn, you will push back aging and still feel young.
Being open to everything new, wanting to change, seeing opportunities, making plans and going for them are all important components of an active life after 50 years.
Tags: age, question to a psychologist, self-development
Best years: women who have achieved success after 50 June 03, 2021
- Forbes Woman
- Editorial Forbes Woman Author
Forbes has released a list of 50 successful women over 50. Here are the brightest stories about those who ended up in it
Until the age of 57, she was a housewife, and then opened a logistics company with an annual turnover of more than $60 million. She spent time in prison, and then launched an NGO that helps ex-prisoners start their own business. She emigrated to the US with $1,200 hidden in a teddy bear and is now making a coronavirus vaccine. She retired, and a year later - to the position of CEO of the largest transport company. This compilation contains the success stories of women from the "50 over 50" list.
Shonda Rhimes, producer and writer, Shondaland
51 years old
Rhimes is the creator and executive producer of the ABC hits Grey's Anatomy and Scandal, created by her production company Shondaland. In 2017, she signed a five-year deal with Netflix worth at least $150 million, before that she had a four-year contract with ABC worth $40 million.
DRJennifer Doudna, co-founder of Mammoth Biosciences
57 years old
Together with Emmanuelle Charpentier, she received the Nobel Prize in Chemistry for her work in genome editing. In addition, in 2017, she co-founded and served on the advisory board of Mammoth Biosciences, which received $45 million in 2020. During the coronavirus pandemic, Dudna created a test for COVID-19, also based on CRISPR technology.
Catalin Kariko, Biochemist, Senior Vice President of BioNTech
66 years old
Emigrated to the US from Hungary in 1985 - $1200 was hidden in her daughter's teddy bear. She was one of the pioneers in the study of mRNA in the early 1990s. Her developments formed the basis of the Pfizer and Moderna vaccines against coronavirus infection.
DRArianna Huffington, founder and CEO of Thrive Global
70 years old
In 2005, at the age of 54, she founded The Huffington Post, a media company, and 11 years later launched Thrive Global, a startup focused on reducing media stress and burnout.
Tracey Chadwell, founding partner of 1843 Capital
55 years old
In 2016, she founded 1843 Capital (in honor of the year mathematician Ada Lovelace wrote the first computer program), which invests in early-stage startups created by women and aimed at improving the lives of people over 50 years old.
DRTeresa Hodge, President and CEO of Mission: Launch
58 years
Served almost six years in prison on charges of fraud. After her release, she founded R3 Score and Mission Launch with her daughter. R3 Score is a background check service that has been accepted into the Techstars startup incubator. Mission Launch is a non-profit organization that helps ex-prisoners access capital to start their own businesses.
Diana Bomar, founder and CEO of Platinum Cargo Logistics
74 years old
Dropped out of college and was a housewife until she was 57, then started a logistics company CEO Platinum Cargo Logistics, which now generates over $50 million in annual revenue.
Fran Dunaway, co-founder and CEO of TomboyX
60 years old
At the age of 52, she and her wife launched the gender-neutral clothing brand TomboyX. 81% of the company's employees identify themselves as women or people with a non-conforming gender identity (gender non-conformity is a person's behavior or gender expression that does not coincide with gender norms accepted in a given society).
