10 signs of abusive relationships

10 Signs You Are in an Emotionally Abusive Relationship — Annis & Vercollone

San Diego Divorce & Family Law Resources

Believe it or not, it can be very difficult to determine whether a relationship is abusive, especially if you’re in it. The emotional abuser will mask abuse different ways. It’s important to remember that abuse comes in many forms. It doesn’t have to be physically abusive for it to be an abusive relationship. Often physical abuse is preceded by more “subtle” forms of emotional abuse and/or psychological abuse. These types of abuse can be just as scarring as physical abuse, and they’re usually more difficult to identify. Here are 10 signs of an emotionally abusive relationship.

People that have gotten out of abusive relationships are better able to look back objectively and pinpoint abuse that was occurring long before they were certain they needed to leave the relationship. Abuse can escalate quickly, but it can also grow slowly throughout the years, making it seem “normal. ” It may take shape first as verbal abuse and finally resulting in violent behavior. It’s important that if you know of domestic violence to contact the appropriate authorities immediately.

As San Diego family law experts, we are sadly familiar with abusive relationships. Whether you’re looking out for a friend or concerned that your own relationship may not be healthy anymore, it’s key to remember that no one is at fault except the abuser themselves. Read below for examples of how to spot an abusive relationship and how to spot an abusive marriage.

1. THEY TRY TO CONTROL YOU

It’s normal for partners to check in with one another, but it’s not normal for one partner to have to constantly ask permission for things. The controlling behavior can be related to most anything –money and how you spend it, the clothes you like to wear, your schedule and how you spend your days, etc. Keep an eye out for this restrictive dynamic within a relationship, because a lot of relationships that are abusive have centered around the need for control.

2. THEY ISOLATE YOU FROM YOUR SUPPORT NETWORK

Abusive partners don’t want you to have friends and family. After all, these are the people most likely to help you escape an abusive relationship or marriage. It may start out slowly, but the abuser’s eventual goal is to leave you with no one to rely on. Watch out for your partner being overly critical of friends and family – they’re aiming to make you feel dependent on your relationship and your partner. Another way of isolating you is to constantly ask for more alone time together. In the beginning, it may be easy to misinterpret this as romantic. After all, what’s the harm in your partner wanting more time with you? If they’re consistently trying to get you to cancel plans and prioritize your relationship at the cost of your social circle, it’s a sign of abuse.

3. THEY MAKE YOU INSECURE

Partners in healthy relationships encourage and support one another. Abusive partners want to keep you under their control, and they want to convince you that you couldn’t possibly attract a “better” partner. If it goes on long enough, you may start to believe that you don’t deserve a better relationship, and you may feel worthless. Those that have been in abusive relationships often come to feel as though it’s normal to be mistreated. This type of emotional and psychological damage can take years to unravel.

4. THEY ARE UNPREDICTABLE

One tactic of abuse is to keep you “on your toes”, so to speak. If your partner has a habit of getting upset or angry seemingly without cause, it’s a bad sign. People that have been in this type of abusive relationship describe feeling anxious and “on edge” around their partners. It’s not healthy to feel as though you must constantly be careful lest you upset your partner.

5. THEIR NEEDS ARE ALWAYS PRIORITIZED ABOVE YOUR NEEDS

A healthy relationship has a give and take dynamic between partners. Abusive partners do not see it this way. It’s another form of asserting control. It can start to feel useless to disagree with your partner because they always get their way. In a healthy relationship, you will each try to consider the other’s point of view. In abusive relationships, there is no balancing of the needs between partners – one will always attempt to “win” over the other.

6. THEY KEEP YOU IN THE HOUSE

This one can be tricky, because there are many healthy, positive relationships where one partner primarily takes care of the home and does not work. However, as a further means of isolating and controlling you, abusive partners will aim to stop you from having a job, going to school, or maintaining hobbies outside the home. This will not typically be the only sign or way to spot an abusive relationship, but it is a very common theme in abusive relationships.

7. YOU HAVE NO PRIVACY

In healthy relationships, each person maintains autonomy. In an abusive relationship, it’s all too common to have no privacy whatsoever. If your partner tracks your every move, it’s a sign that you’re in an abusive relationship. The abuser may go through your phone, email, mail, and personal belongings. More extreme examples of this would include constantly calling to check up on you when you’re out of their sight, or even driving by your home or work to keep an eye on you or stop in unexpectedly to make sure you’re where you say you are.

8. THEY WITHDRAW OR WITHHOLD AFFECTION

One method of “punishing” you can be to deny affection or intimacy. It can be normal after a disagreement to not be feeling affectionate, but abusive partners take it much farther. Their affection becomes something you must earn, and they use it as a reward for your good behavior. Watch out for conditional affection, intimacy, and love.

9. THEY PREEMPTIVELY FORGIVE YOU

This is another one that can be difficult to identify as abusive as abusers will shut conversations down prematurely. Abusers use this method to “win” an argument. During a disagreement, they’ll forgive you for your actions, whether you’ve apologized or not. In this way, they have effectively assigned you all of the blame, and they are hoping to be seen as merciful or compassionate in their forgiveness. Don’t be fooled. Abusive partners aren’t truly forgiving you – they’re simply trying to convince you that this was really your fault. It’s also very common for them to keep bringing this back up later as a means of evening the scoreboard.

10. THEY SHAME YOU

If your partner has a habit of criticizing you in public, embarrassing you in front of others, or deliberately bringing up private topics to make you uncomfortable, it’s a very clear sign of an abusive relationship.

If you or a loved one is experiencing a toxic relationship or emotional abuse, you need to carefully assess the relationship. If you determine that the relationship is abusive, do not hesitate to seek help. As San Diego divorce experts, we’ve unfortunately seen all manner of unhealthy dynamics within a marriage, and it’s important to remember that you’re not alone, and this is not your fault. Contact us to understand your options.

For crisis and counseling services, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 or TTY 1-800-787-3224.

Abusive RelationshipsJames VercolloneApril 7, 2021

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10 Signs of an Emotionally-Abusive Relationship

Abuse of any kind is complicated, and it can be difficult to identify. This is especially true for emotional abuse: With physical abuse, there is often tangible evidence of violence, but emotionally-abusive relationships can involve sophisticated—and toxic—mind games.

As a result, emotional abuse can be just as damaging. To help victims (and their loved ones) understand the signs, we spoke with Kelly McNelis, founder of Women for One, and Dr. Sherry Benton, founder and chief science officer of TAO Connect.

Meet the Expert

Kelly McNelis is a renowned author and founder of Women for One, a destination for women ready and willing to make life happen.
Sherry Benton, Ph.D., founder and Chief Science Officer of TAO Connect, has over 25 years of clinical and research experience in psychological counseling and college students' mental health.

Read on to learn about the warning signs of emotional abuse, and the experts' advice for navigating these relationships.

Why Emotional Abuse Is Difficult to Identify

If you've ever experienced unpredictable displays of affection, you may have felt the effects of emotional abuse (even without knowing it). Sometimes, it's difficult to tell whether you're having normal relationship problems or being manipulated. "If someone is physically violent, that is overt and obvious," Benton says. "Emotionally abusive relationships are more subtle." She notes that these relationships usually begin exceptionally well before problems worsen over time. "Each time, you're getting more adapted to the negative patterns, so it gets more difficult to see—as well as to leave."

Many victims of abuse discover the harmful effects over time. After all, if abusers acted this way from the start, how would they develop relationships to begin with? It all comes down to timing. "There's this story that [says] if you toss a frog into a pot of boiling water, it will scramble to get out," Benton explains. "But if you put the frog in while the water is still cold—and slowly raise the temperature—the frog will [stay] until it is boiled to death. The same kind of thing can happen in relationships."

Thankfully, there are ways to recognize the signs upfront in favor of healthier relationships.

If you think you might be experiencing emotional abuse, reach out to friends and family for validation (and reminders that you're not alone).

The 10 Signs of Emotional Abuse

Emotional abuse usually takes place as a means for one person to control another. If you're worried that you may be experiencing this with your partner, Benton recommends looking for these ten signs she says are defined by Dr. John Gottman of The Gottman Institute:

Control: Your partner may seem overly-invested in your social life, or police your day-to-day routines without acknowledging your desires. You don't have the freedom to make your own choices (either overtly or subtly). Even small comments that undermine your independence are a means of control.
Yelling: It's normal for partners to raise their voice occasionally, but it may not be healthy when disagreements regularly escalate into shouting. It's especially concerning if you feel afraid. Not only does yelling make a productive conversation nearly impossible, but it can also create an imbalance of power—only the loudest person is heard.
Contempt: When one partner feels contempt for the other, it's not easy for either person to express their feelings. Benton notes that in healthy relationships, there's an expectation that your partner will listen and be respectful (even if they can't give you what you need). If they respond to your needs with mean-spirited sarcasm, arrogance, disgust, or apathy, then contempt may create a barrier in your relationship.

Excessive Defensiveness: When you constantly feel like you have to defend yourself, there's less room for positive communication. It's important that both parties are able to talk openly—and honestly—with each other to resolve issues. Excessive defensiveness, Benton says, can feel like you're in a battle where your shield is always up.
Threats: If your partner is threatening you in any way, you may feel like you're in danger. Coercive "if, then" statements can include blackmail, threats of physical harm or suicide, or other intimidating remarks, but they often share the same intent: To back victims into a corner (and prevent them from leaving).
Stonewalling: Benton notes that stonewalling takes place when one partner refuses to talk or communicate. If your partner shuts down uncomfortable conversations, it can feel like abandonment. Their refusal to discuss issues may come across as rejection or a lack of concern for your feelings.
Blame: Victims are often made to believe that they cause—and therefore deserve—their own abuse and unhappiness, making the cycle much harder to break. This can be exacerbated by the shame that many victims feel for letting their abuse continue.
Gaslighting: A form of psychological manipulation, gaslighting causes victims to doubt their memories, judgment, and sanity. If you find that your concerns (and even memories) are frequently dismissed as "false," "stupid," or "crazy," you may be experiencing gaslighting.
Isolation: Emotional abuse is pervasive, affecting all areas of life. Most notably is the toll it takes on victims' relationships with friends and family. Abusers often convince their partners that no one cares. This alienation can cause victims to feel like they're on an island, removed from loved ones and past versions of themselves.
Volatility: If a relationship is constantly interrupted by mood swings, it can signal abuse. Many people experience natural ups and downs, but it's a problem when it harms one's partner. Volatile abusers often shower their victims with gifts and affection following an outburst, only to become angry again shortly after.

Is Your Partner Abusive?

According to Benton, one important distinction to make is that in healthy relationships, disagreements are seen as an opportunity for growth—and both people make an effort to find common ground. "It's not that people in healthy relationships don't have disagreements; they do. They have just as many as people in bad relationships," Benton says. "The difference is what they do with those conflicts."

While it can be difficult to discern, she notes that mind games are common in emotionally-abusive relationships. One partner may be surprised by the other's sudden pleasant mood, or confused by bouts of unexpected love. "You know you can't trust it, because they're going to go back to being demeaning and belittling…You're constantly on this emotional roller coaster with them," Benton says.

Some partners can learn to overcome their abusive tendencies—but Benton notes that it's much easier to do with an impartial third party like a relationship counselor. Nevertheless, she points out that many relationships are simply unhealthy: "If you love someone, you don't treat them like that, ever. Period."

When to Leave an Abusive Relationship

If you're not sure when it's time to leave, try comparing your current relationship with what you want in the future. Benton suggests asking yourself the same questions you'd ask a friend:

"Look around and find a relationship that you can imagine yourself wanting," she says, noting that picturing how a relationship should be can help you realize you're not getting what you want. Rather than comparing idealistic movie relationships, Benton recommends thinking of "real people, who really struggle with each other, and who really work on things together."

Part of deciding to leave is understanding what you need. Does your current partner make you feel better about yourself? "[Your relationship] should make you feel secure, supported, and connected, and if that's not what you're getting, you're probably getting more pain than love and growth," Benton says.

Rebuilding Self-Love After Emotional Abuse

While it's essential to know what you want, you should also remember who you are when leaving an abusive partner. McNelis stresses the importance of showing yourself compassion—and remembering that no one willingly chooses abuse. "The great thing is that these difficult experiences help us build character, strength, and resilience," McNelis says. "By diving into our experience and choosing to learn from trauma, we can come out on the other side more powerful, and in a position to stand up for others in similar situations."

It's never easy to come to terms with being abused: But this isn't a time for placing blame on yourself. McNelis reminds us that moving on is something to be proud of. "Choose to claim your self-worth and recognize your courage—both in the moment of your experience and in the aftermath," she says. "Rather than dwelling on what you could've done better, [think about how] every moment in life gives you the opportunity to start over. " Most importantly, she emphasizes that no matter how painful your trauma is, you can get through it.

How to Help Someone in an Emotionally-Abusive Relationship

Seeing someone you love experiencing abuse can be painful, even when you're not the one being hurt. If you suspect a friend or loved one is in an emotionally-abusive relationship, Benton suggests being supportive without explicitly judging them for staying. "Educate yourself about abuse: What it is, what it entails, and how people who are under its thumb think, feel, and behave," McNelis says. "This will help you put yourself in the shoes of the person you love, and understand what they're going through…All too often, people on the outside cast judgments upon the person without any idea of what they're going through, and what their legitimate reasons might be for [staying]."

Finally, it's important to remember that their decision to leave isn't up to you. McNelis says the best thing you can do is listen and hold space for your loved one. "By allowing for the experience and witnessing their truth—while also championing their courage, and capacity to do what's right for them—you'll help them discover their own lessons, wisdom, and voice. You can also gently nudge them toward resources, [but] this can't be something you force upon them; it always needs to come from their choice alone."

Are You Settling for Less in Your Relationship?

10 signs of a toxic relationship that you are tired of but are afraid to admit it If you feel that something has been going wrong in communication with your partner for a long time, try to analyze it. We are not talking about some banal disagreements or misunderstandings, as well as deviations such as treason, assault, and so on. We are talking about the state when you understand that something is wrong, but you cannot explain it to yourself first of all. nine0003

Bright Side together with you will analyze the signs of such a relationship that may not be worth saving.

1. Angelic patience

I wonder who came up with this phrase and how do you have to not love yourself in order to endure something endlessly? If you feel that you constantly endure something or force yourself to do some things through the notorious “I can’t”, just so that the partner feels good and comfortable, then remember that there is no such goal for which it is worth to endure anything in a relationship . Of course, if you are not a masochist. nine0003

Solution: It is clear that in any relationship there are difficult periods when you really need to endure this or that moment. But it is not worth being constantly in such a state, it is better to break off such relationships.

2. Trying to change your partner

Trying to change someone is a priori futile business. No one at a conscious age will radically change, unless he himself wants it for some reason. If you don’t like something in your partner’s behavior, his manners and attitude towards you, this can be discussed. But if you are waiting for a person who has been a musician all his life to retrain as a financier just because you so wished, then this will not happen. No one will do this especially for you. It is better not to waste time and find a person who will be perfect for you. nine0003

Solution: Don't try to change someone else, try to change yourself or change your views.

3. Miscellaneous goals

You dream of a house in the mountains and a big family, your partner wants a career in finance, and in general he does not want to children. Or you dream of moving to a warm country, and he wants to live in a small city in the north of the country. There is nothing criminal here, you should learn more about it, as they say, on the shore. It happens, of course, that goals and views diverge even among very strong couples. Therefore, it is worth deciding what is more important: your individual goal or the general one, of course, if there is one. nine0003

Solution: Set priorities for yourself, understand what is important for you. Perhaps you still have the same principles and you will be ready to come up with a common goal.

4. Ignoring Your Interests

Remember when you were dating when you had so many hobbies? And then for some reason you began to devote time only to his interests. And one day you realized how long you ignored your hobbies to please your partner. It was like waking up from a terrible dream. But you were absolutely clearly pointed to your place with "incomprehensible" hobbies. If you recognize yourself in this description, then you are probably just not appreciated. nine0003

Solution: In a harmonious pair, there are both your interests and the interests of your partner. No one should force anyone to do something they don't like.

5. Don't agree

You try to smooth all the corners, do not finish speaking, as a result, resentment and a feeling of misunderstanding begin to ripen in you. Are you afraid to be fully heard because your partner won't understand you? You shouldn't decide it for him, it's better to try to say it once. You should not hide your real feelings from a loved one. If you want to say - say, let him also think what to do with everything he hears. nine0003

Solution: There is a problem - we need to speak it out. It’s not worth keeping anything in yourself: this is fraught with a constant return to one or another unresolved situation.

6. Lack of intimacy

If you don't feel safe or supported in any situation, then this may indicate the disappearance of emotional closeness. You should be easy in revelations with your partner. Coming home after a long day at work, everyone wants to be heard and understood, and not engage in another showdown. nine0003

Solution : Either it is there or it isn't. There are hardly any recipes for "igniting" feelings of intimacy and trust.

7. Constant Comparison

You are constantly compared to your colleague's wife/husband, actress/actor, and so on. You are not so good, you don't earn that much, and in general you have a potato nose. Such a comparison only indicates the shortcomings of your partner, he needs to deal with himself and his complexes. Such a comparison is humiliating. And a loved one should not humiliate you. nine0003

Solution: At the first such manifestations, it is worth testing the soil: what exactly does a person mean. But if this happens all the time, then save your self-esteem and nerves for other purposes.

8. Emotional blackmail

A powerful form of manipulation that can be accompanied by threats against you if you do not do as you are told. For example, you hear in your address: “Do you want to go on our vacation to the dacha to weed the beds? Don't you respect our family values?" Once in the trap of a manipulator, we get lost and stop adequately assessing the situation, and we begin to listen to reproach after reproach. Such relationships are doomed. nine0003

Solution: In such relationships, one can learn to debate and calmly defend one's position. You should not react to provocations. But a love relationship in such a couple is most likely impossible.

9. The Disappearance of Attachment

The most intense attachment, when you want to spend all the time with a person, usually occurs in the initial stages of a relationship. But still, the desire to spend as much time as possible with each other, to make plans for the weekend, should not disappear from your life. If you feel that you want to spend time without this person more often, then your relationship may have lost something. For example, I want to go alone to the cinema, cafe, exhibition. nine0003

Solution: Alternatively, you can try to live separately from each other for a while. If during this time the desire to see each other does not appear, then you should not even think about these relationships at all: they have exhausted themselves.

10. The Subconscious Mind

Often, the subconscious makes us think about things we didn't even do in real life. Perhaps you have already imagined your breakup with a partner several times - this is how your subconscious mind prepares you to make it easier for you to make this decision in life. So if you draw pictures like this that harm your relationship, then most likely this is exactly what you need. nine0003

Solution: Listen to yourself and your desires.

If you have thought about at least one point, then you should probably reconsider your relationship and talk heart to heart with your partner. Do you think a happy relationship is possible if several positions from the article are typed?

Preview photo of Revolutionary Road/ DreamWorks Pictures

Bright Side/Psychology/10 signs of a toxic relationship you're tired of but afraid to admit

10 signs that help you recognize a toxic relationship at the very beginning / AdMe

If you instantly fall in love without really recognizing a person, if you are haunted by constant thoughts about him or her, if your mood depends entirely on whether the object called you today your love, then you are prone to unhealthy emotional dependence. People who lack self-love often fall into such an addiction, and they look for it from the outside. It turns out a vicious circle of toxic relationships, but, fortunately, there is a way out of it. nine0003

Emotionally dependent people make their partner their "god" - their whole life revolves around him, the state of happiness or unhappiness depends on him. They either seek to completely absorb the partner, controlling his every step, or play the role of a victim in a relationship, deep down reveling in their suffering. Family therapist Darlene Lanser writes that true love and emotional dependence are different things and you need to learn to distinguish between them.

We at Bright Side have collected warning signs that indicate the beginning of an unhealthy attachment. Don't let yourself fall into the trap of a toxic relationship. nine0003

1. It immediately seems to you that you have found the love of your life

There are people who are very amorous, and after the first date they fly home with a happy thought: “It is he who I need!” (or she). Unfortunately, it often turns out that this is not the case. After meeting with the person who turned your head, try to cool this head.

Between meetings, take a break for a couple of days, try to be alone for a while, switch to an activity that completely distracts you from thinking about this person. nine0003

2. You idealize your partner too much

At the beginning of an acquaintance, listen more than you talk, and listen carefully. If a person throws the phrase "You will have a hard time with me" - it will be so. If he mentions, even casually or in the form of a joke, that he likes to drink or has some other bad habits and problems, don't let it pass your ears.

No need to selflessly assure a person that "it's all nonsense, we can handle it." He's not warning you to be strong and ready. Such words mean either "I didn't like you / didn't like you, stay away", or "I agree, but only on such conditions." Do you need it? This is not at all what they say to a person who really likes. Therefore, moderate your ardor and think about whether it is worth meeting again. nine0003

3. You can't say "no"

Test your ability to say "no" to your partner. Feel free to refuse invitations to events that you are not interested in, meeting times that are inconvenient for you, inappropriate requests, premature touches and intimacy for which you are not yet ready. The position "I'd rather agree than to explain for a long time why I don't want to, and he / she will be offended" is a losing one. Do not lose yourself for the sake of another, no one will appreciate it.

4. You neglect your friends for the sake of your partner

Maintain relationships with friends that you have and will have, regardless of the presence or absence of a partner. During a strong love, we do not want to think about anyone except the object of love, and if we meet friends, we only talk about him / her.

Remember that your friends also have feelings. And not as cloudy as your mind is now. Therefore, it is worth introducing your soulmate to your friends early. They may notice things you don't and keep you from diving into a toxic relationship. Well, if your partner does not want to get acquainted with your friends and relatives, this is another reason to think about whether he really needs you. nine0003

5. You have abandoned your hobbies

Do not give up your favorite activities. With the advent of a new person, your life should become richer, not poorer, when hobby tools and sports equipment gather dust in the corner, and instead of diplomas and medals, only photos of your couple now hang on the wall.

An enthusiastic person with many interests is very attractive as a partner. Do not make your loved one the center of the Universe, do not make your happiness, well-being and mood dependent on him / her. No one can bear such a heavy burden. nine0003

6. You turn a blind eye to warning signals

Listen to your feelings, doubts and suspicions. If something in your partner's behavior worries you, do not hesitate to say it right away and find out everything. You should not hope that he or she will ever change by itself. It is enough for a person who values you to say once what exactly you do not like for him to make an effort to change the situation.

Do not justify his actions against you with childhood injuries, being busy at work, problems with your mother, but pretend to be a rescuer. If he is constantly on horseback, and you are in the role of a victim, you should not turn a blind eye to this, something is clearly wrong here. nine0003

7.

You implicitly trust your partner's opinion

If you suddenly realize that you are doing something that you would never have done before, just because your partner likes it, this is a reason to think. Replacing your beliefs with those of your partner means that you have already lost a significant part of yourself and soon there will be nothing left of you at all.

You risk becoming just a shadow of your boyfriend or girlfriend. This is fraught with serious problems, including health problems, not to mention the fact that your partner will not care about you. nine0003

8. You are wildly jealous because of every little thing

Fear of loneliness or past betrayals should not poison relationships in the present. Are there real reasons for jealousy or only in your imagination? You run the risk of losing a partner not because of someone else, but because of yourself: no one can withstand constant distrust, the need to constantly reassure you and assure you of love. It happens differently: the reasons for jealousy are quite real, but instead of the desired “Sorry, I didn’t think it was unpleasant for you, I won’t do it again,” you once again hear the phrase “All this is nonsense.” You are trying to turn a blind eye to everything and convince everyone (and above all yourself) that you have a wonderful, strong couple, but fears and doubts literally eat you up from the inside. Such relationships cannot be called happy. nine0003

9. You feel unbearable when your partner is not around

When we are in love, we want to be near the object of our adoration every minute. But you should not choke a person with your boundless attention. Do not live only in love dreams, remember the everyday affairs and responsibilities that you have abandoned. Leave personal space to your partner, do not try to find out absolutely everything about him.

Try not to focus on bad thoughts like “What if she is with someone else now!” Because she really can be with someone else. You won’t change this with your anxiety, it’s better to pay attention to her behavior in general. Do not fill up all your free time and all your mind with a partner. So you will only be more interesting in his or her eyes. nine0003

10. You justify the ugly behavior of your soul mate

When in love, we tend to see our partner through rose-colored glasses. It is worth paying attention not only to how he or she behaves with you (we all first try to show ourselves in front of a potential partner from the best side), but also how she communicates with others.

If on the first date a man is gallant and smiles sweetly, but suddenly starts yelling at the waitress who mixed up the dishes, this is a bad sign. After some time, when the first passion subsides, you can be in the place of this waitress when you are going to the cinema for 20 minutes instead of 10.

Bonus: what to do at the moment of especially acute experiences?

Psychologist Olga Chizh gives simple advice on how to help yourself when emotions and feelings literally overwhelm you.

1. Take responsibility for your emotional state from your partner. You, and only you, are responsible for it.

2. Do not constantly think about what the object of your love is doing now, what his words meant, how to understand his actions, etc. Do not let negative fantasies and conjectures torment you. Return to the “here and now” state more often, ground yourself. Concentration on the breath can help with this. nine0003

3. Find a comfortable place in your body and mentally place there the “inner observer” — that part of you that maintains objectivity in any situation, does not give in to emotions. Look around with the eyes of an "inner observer". You are overwhelmed with feelings towards your lover, but this is not all / not all of you.

4. Look for resources: what can cheer you up and distract you from obsessive thoughts about your partner? A cup of coffee, a good movie or book, physical activity, a fragrant bath, a conversation with a friend? All means are good.

Learn more