10 rules for a healthy relationship

The 10 Golden Rules Of A Relationship

By Power of PositivityPublished on July 07, 2016Last modified June 29, 2022

Your relationship is so important to you, and to treat it with the supportive care that it needs to survive over the long-term, you need to follow these 10 golden rules…

Here Are 10 Golden Rules Every Relationship Needs To Know About

1. Fight fair

You and your partner will argue, but knowing how to fight fairly will be an important skill to keep your relationship solid through the years. Things will not always be fair, but they should always be respectful of both partner’s needs. If one partner doesn’t get their way now, make sure that there are opportunities for them to get their way in the future.

The power balance in a relationship is often not balanced, especially for male and female couples. Researchers found that a relationship where the male partner had more power and was dominant were more likely to last long-term. On the other hand, another study found that power imbalances and unequal treatment was a reason that women more often cited for breakups than men did. Check in with your partner to see how they feel about the power balance in your relationship.

2. Honesty is really the best policy

Being accused of hiding something from your partner is not a great way to establish trust, which is essential to a good relationship. Do your very best to follow this golden rule that every relationship needs to know because the consequences of being less than honest are lonely and painful.

If you are unsure whether to tell your partner about something, ask yourself if they found out another way if they would be upset. Withholding information is likely to not win you any points with your partner either. Flat out lying is definitely frowned upon. Trust, once broken, is never quite the same again.

3. Keep the past in the past

Your past, your partner’s past, and any exes should stay there. The same goes for the mental file of your partner’s past bad behavior. Let it go or the weight of that baggage will drag your relationship down.

4. Allow your partner more freedom

No one wants to be caged up, and the more freedom you can allow your partner to have, the greater their appreciation of the wide boundaries that you provide. In a study of breakups and relationship expectations, researchers found that partners who left wished that they had more freedom outside of the relationship.

We are not talking about the freedom to stray, but if you have restricted your partner’s coming and goings, activities, and friends, they are not likely to like being with you. For this golden rule, allow as much freedom for your partner as possible, because you cannot expect to keep someone who is chained to you happy.

5. Give more than you receive

Be as supportive as possible to your partner for this golden rule, or your partner may find the support elsewhere. Be the best friend and companion to your partner as well as a romantic mate.

6. Know your partner well

Provide what your partner likes and needs. Know their love language and give them love in the way in which they like to receive it.

7. Think long-term

Today is not where you will be ten years from now. Where was your partner headed before you met? Did you derail them from reaching their goals? They probably have not forgotten what they dreamed of before they met you, so be supportive of their future goals as well as your own.

8. Be mindful in your relationship

Mindfulness of your emotional state, your partner’s feelings, the significance of this moment in the scope of your relationship…all of these are things that deserve our full attention. When we are shielded from experiencing the fullness of our relationship, we miss out on the wonderful moments.

Related article: 6 Things You Should Always Expect From Your Partner

9. Master the art of communication

By communication, we mean listening more than speaking your meaning. The Gottman Institute studied the difference between couples who had divorced after 6 years and those who had stayed together. The difference between divorce and happiness was simple; paying attention to your partner when they express an interest in something versus ignoring them.

Related article: 10 Things To Never Stop Doing For Your Partner

If your partner is interested in something, they are basically asking you to turn toward them. If you decide to turn away, you deny their request for your attention. Repeated turning away makes your partner feel unloved.

10. Build intimacy outside of sex

Sexual passion is not always an enduring factor in long-term relationships, so this golden rule is important to make sure that your relationship has staying power of many intimate moments, shared jokes, joy, laughter, and connectedness that will keep you bonded for life.

Related Items dating golden rules in relationships love relationship advice relationships romance

10 Healthy Relationship Rules for Keeping Your Relationship Strong

Table of Contents

What is a healthy relationship anyway?

How do you know if your partner is good for you?

While every couple can define a “good relationship” differently, there’s some standard principles that all should share.

Read on to discover the 10 rules for a healthy relationship.

Whether you’ve just started dating someone or have been together for years, these are the signs you should look out for to know you’re in a healthy relationship.

#1 Respect

The #1 relationship rule is that there must be respect between you and your partner. That doesn’t mean you always agree or don’t argue. But it means that you can do so in a way that doesn’t make the person feel worse about themselves or in general.

Having respect goes beyond that too. For example, you should respect their time and trust. When things get heated, you take a break or step out. You don’t resort to name-calling or threatening the relationship.

#2 Talking About Issues

Otherwise known as “communication”—something often brought up in relationship 101. And for a good reason. When we spend time with someone, they affect our mental health. You should be able to talk about your personal problems and about your problems with each other. If we can’t talk about issues with them, that could eventually lead to bottled up feelings and resentment. Skip that by keeping an open line of communication.

Even if your partner isn’t a talker or doesn’t consider themselves to be emotional, it still matters that they try. If it’s uncomfortable at first, that’s normal. You don’t need to be a therapist to communicate well in a relationship. It’s a skill you build over time and adapt the style to your partner.

#3 Spend Time Together

It can’t be just me who’s ended up with someone who had “no time.” Meanwhile, they get off work at 3 pm and spend the rest of the day in front of the TV. Or, maybe they’re genuinely so busy with work that they “don’t have time for you.”

It’s in people’s right to live their life how they want. But the reality is that for a relationship to work, you need to spend time together. How you do that is up to you. Movie nights? Dates? Playing games? It doesn’t really matter as long as you’re making time for each other.

#4 Honesty

If you asked couples for their top healthy relationship characteristics, one of their answers would be honesty. It’s important to not lie, even about small things, like where you are. That’s because small lies can hint at bigger lies. Even if not, it will rob your partner of the trust they once had.

There’s a big caveat here: Don’t use honestly to be an asshole. Saying “I’m just honest” or “the truth hurts” when someone is hurt is not a badge of honor. Learn how to be truthful without coming off rude or insensitive. It’s possible to be nice AND honest. The combination of both is important for healthy relationships.

#5 Be Yourself

Sometimes, we try to change so our partner will like us more. Or we adapt to their personalities or styles. Or we hold back the weird, goofy parts that make us, us.

Being you in all your strange glory is something your partner should want and admire. If they don’t, they’re not the one for you. You should be able to be playful, nicely tease and relax with them. Relationships are serious work, but you don’t need to be uptight, take a breath.

#6 Keep Your Personal Self

Although you may want to spend as much time as possible with your partner, you should still keep your own identity. Even if you’re “twin flames,” you are a single human being first.

It’s normal for people to adapt to their partner, like the saying, “you are who you hang out with.” However, it’s also important to keep your own goals, hobbies and personality. Losing yourself in someone else may feel good right now, but it could lead to a lot of heartache—or loss of self—down the road.

Healthy relationship boundaries include the ability to do your own thing sometimes so you can take care of yourself.

#7 Appreciate Them

If you’re in a relationship with someone, you should appreciate them. Otherwise, why are you even in it?

Although that’s obvious, in a long-term relationship, appreciation can go from a lot to little. But it’s important to remember that day to day love is one of the most important healthy relationship characteristics.

Not every day will be roses, but small gestures, little gifts, words of kindness or actions to show you care can go a long way.

#8 Maintain Healthy Relationship Boundaries

The word “boundaries” is tossed around a lot lately, but what does it actually mean in terms of a relationship? The boundaries you set for yourself are individual to you and your needs. They’re rules that shouldn’t be crossed.

Some healthy relationship boundaries revolve around privacy. For example, your partner shouldn’t check your phone or email. If they have suspicions, they should come to you before snooping around. Another boundary could be your time. For example, maybe you agree to go to one work-related event with them per month. But turning down the 10 others is a boundary you set for your time and mental health.

Boundaries can also be in terms of respect. A boundary everyone should have is no name-calling.

#9 Make Effort

This is one of the unhealthy relationship signs I see in most of my ex-partners. While I’d put a lot of effort into doing things for them, planning dates, picking gifts, responding to their concerns or life events—they wouldn’t give it back.

It’s frustrating when you give 100% to someone you love and they can barely break 25%. A healthy relationship is one where both people’s efforts are on par with one another. While it’s not a tit for tat game, it shows the other person you care and are thinking of them. Remember, words and actions should align.

Making effort might come naturally in the beginning of a relationship while you and your partner are trying to woo each other. Long-term though, that can fade. You can always amp up the spark by surprising them with a little effort in an area they’ll appreciate. Then, see if the trend continues and they start putting in more too.

#10 Good Sex

If you and your partner are asexual or have decided sex isn’t right for you, this won’t be a rule for you.

But for most couples, sex is one of the healthy relationship characteristics. How frequent you do it is up to you but remember that sex is more than just a physical action. It releases oxytocin, known as a “bonding” hormone.

Another rule within this one is to make sure the sex is good. If one partner is happy and satisfied every time, while the other just gets used to be unsatisfied, that’s not good sex. This happens commonly in heterosexual relationships with selfish men. Don’t be one.

You and your partner will decide what rules you should have in a relationship. This post contains the 10 common rules couples have and should maintain to keep their bond strong. Some, like honestly and trust, are unnegotiable though. Others, like sex, depend on your personal relationship.

10 Rules for Successful Relationships

We have prepared for you a very loose translation of a very long post by popular English-speaking blogger Mark Manson on long-term relationships and marriage.

Mark asked many people who have been married for more than 10 years and do not plan to get divorced, what is the secret of a strong family. The answers he received showed that all happy couples are happy for the same reasons.

The article will be useful to everyone who cares not only about a career, but also about a full-fledged relationship with the right person. nine0003

Reason #1. Marry/be in a serious relationship only for the right reasons

Many who have divorced and remarried explain that first marriages ended in divorce because they were for the wrong reasons. They can be very different: pressure from relatives and friends; the feeling that it is time for you to settle down; the desire to be a beautiful couple, because you look good together; a naive thought, as if with a sweet paradise and in a hut ... All this seems logical. But it only seems, because there can be only one reason for marriage: you should just want to be close to this person - that's what people with experience say. nine0003

The only thing that really works is sincere admiration for each other. But, as is often the case, getting married so that someone makes you happy is straight forward to codependency. And this has never been good for anyone.

Reason No. 2. Don't harbor false hopes

When getting married, lovers often think that they will always keep their feelings sharp, and when the intensity of emotions subsides, they think that the family is falling apart. Love is a strange thing. When the head is spinning, we are ready to forgive the partner for any mistakes and turn a blind eye to shortcomings. But it will not last forever, at most - a few years. And then the puppy delight with which we look into the eyes of a loved one disappears. And as soon as the thrill of love passes, there is no need to think that love has passed and you are on the verge of divorce. You just need to learn to love a person as he is, respect him and be glad that he is around. nine0003

True love is a choice: to be with a person, despite the circumstances, despite the fact that he does not always make you happy. It's difficult, but it's also valuable.

Reason #3: Respect is the most important thing in a relationship worries. However, those who have 20, 30, 40 years of marriage behind them say that the most important thing is respect for each other. nine0003

The fact is that conflicts in couples are inevitable, and we will hurt each other's feelings, no matter how much we want to avoid it. And the only thing that will help you stay together is mutual respect, the feeling that you value each other above all else, trust each other and trust that your partner will do what is best for both of you. Just do not forget that you also need to respect yourself. Both you and the other half.

Reason #4. Be frank about everything

Still, you need to talk, especially about what hurts you. If something doesn't suit you in a relationship, you should definitely say it: when we talk frankly, it creates a sense of trust, which creates intimacy. It can be painful, but you still need to do it, because no one will fix your relationship but you. nine0003

Trust is also needed in order to cope with such an unpleasant feeling as jealousy. We all need to understand that a partner may have other interests, they can communicate with other people, and it is not worth getting angry when you see that they are talking to someone else.

Reason No. 5. Healthy relationships are found in healthy individuals

In any marriage, something has to be sacrificed for the sake of another person. But the problem is that if the relationship is maintained only because someone gives up their interests for the sake of another, sooner or later it will end in a break. A relationship based on sacrifice is doomed. nine0003

Healthy, happy relationships can only be maintained by healthy, happy individuals. The key word is "personality". This means that people should have their own ideas about themselves, personal interests, their own hobbies to which they devote time.

Reason #6: Leave space for each other

One of the most important things in a relationship is not to completely merge into each other. The secret of success is different bank accounts, different credit cards, different friends and hobbies. Even holidays can be spent separately. Some of those who have given advice to newlyweds even suggest using separate bathrooms and toilets, but this is difficult to do in Russia. nine0003

It sounds strange - indeed, many are afraid to let go of their partner and give him freedom. And all because people lack trust - they are not confident in themselves and their relationships. It often seems to us that if we let a loved one go somewhere on their own, it will turn out that he no longer needs us. Unfortunately, the inability to let go of a partner means that we do not respect him. And this means that we do not respect ourselves. After all, is it really possible to seriously think that a wife or husband will be taken away from us at a corporate party? nine0003

Reason #7: Be prepared to change.

When people have been married for more than 20 years, they may find themselves much different than they were two decades ago. Be prepared for the fact that in 20 years you will wake up and find that the person who lies next to you is not at all the same as before, and here you will need to learn to love him.

Of course, this will happen if you let your other half be yourself, mind your own business and develop in your own direction - and you yourself will do it too. But when you change, do not forget to discuss what is happening to you - then you will be able to both respect and accept each other. nine0003

Reason No. 8. Learn to quarrel properly

We already know that quarrels in a couple are inevitable, but you need to sort things out correctly. There are a few rules that must not be broken. First of all, you can not criticize the personal qualities of a partner: no “you are dumb / dumb” - only “you are doing stupid things”. You should not take a defensive position in the conflict, like “I would not have done/did it if you hadn’t…”. It is forbidden to impose a feeling of guilt on a partner. And, of course, you can’t refuse if a loved one wants to speak out: running away from a quarrel with the words “that’s it, I’m not going to discuss it” is the right way to break off relations. nine0003

Reason #9. Learn the art of forgiveness

It's hard to believe, but even in the strongest families there are insoluble contradictions. There are problems about which we will never agree with each other, and the only way out in this case is to come to terms with it. And it is also a matter of respect for each other.

The fact is that if we allow each other to remain themselves, then we will inevitably have different positions on some issues. Political views, for example: yes, there are couples who broke up because of different views on Russia's position on Crimea or Syria, but honestly, how can you get divorced because the person you love votes for or against Putin? You cannot impose your opinion on another person, and if you are trying to do this, then you do not respect him. nine0003

Reason No. 10. Allow yourself little pleasures

Going to the movies together, having lunch together during work hours, going out on the weekends - these may seem like little things, but they are what make you a family. If you devote all your time only to the joint arrangement of life, go to hypermarkets for shopping on weekends, and discuss bills and payments at dinner, sooner or later you will turn from spouses into neighbors.

Paying attention to the little things: holding hands at the movies, saying “I love you” to each other before bed, remembering to close the tube of toothpaste or throwing things around if it annoys your partner, all this will help you once again emphasize that you appreciate and respect him. nine0003

Conclusions

1. Long-term stable relationships are work. It’s not that we don’t know this, but when you are in love and think that you will spend your whole life with this person, you somehow can’t believe that sooner or later the sharpness of feelings will go away and you will find yourself face to face with a real person: with your interests and hobbies.

2. A family will always stay strong if you give each other the right to be yourself, including spending time with your friends, having personal hobbies and your own political views. nine0076

3. The most important thing in a relationship is respect and trust in each other. These things, of course, are interconnected - one cannot exist without the other. Know how to let go of your partner: do not cling to him with a stranglehold. You do not want the person with you to be so stuffy that he leaves?

Text: Anna Vinogradova, Illustrations: Konstantin Amelin, Photo: Photo by Brooke Cagle on Unsplash

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Relationship crisis

1.

They are not shy about praising their partner in public

“Happy spouses keep praising each other in front of friends, children, relatives and even colleagues,” explains psychologist and coach Samantha Rodman.

In unhealthy relationships, partners often criticize each other in conversations with others. Simple phrases like “My husband can fix everything” or “My wife cooks the best meals in the world” help maintain a close bond between partners.

2. They always make time for each other

“In a strong relationship, partners find time every day to spend time together,” says psychotherapist Kurt Smith. “For example, they walk the dog together, talk for a long time when the children fall asleep, or watch TV shows together.” nine0003

3. They laugh easily and often

“My husband and I laugh at something every now and then,” says psychologist Marie Land. “We can’t be depressed for long, because one of us will definitely say or do something to cheer both of us up. Of course, sometimes you can not do without serious conversations. But for those couples who try not to take life too seriously and laugh more often, it is easier to build a healthy relationship.”

4. They value each other's virtues

“I see couples constantly complaining about each other,” explains family counselor and psychotherapist Aaron Anderson. - Most often, we are talking about the most common problems that almost all couples face. In a healthy relationship, partners do not focus on problems and complaints, but first of all pay attention to the positive sides of each other and do not hesitate to exchange compliments.

5. They know how to put themselves in the place of a partner

“It helps them overcome the lack of understanding that sometimes occurs in any relationship,” says couples therapist Kari Carroll. “Empathy is good for resolving any conflicts, and those of my clients who have it can say to their partner: “I can’t agree with you here, but I can understand why you felt this way (a). ” At the same time, the partner feels that he is being carefully listened to, understood and appreciated.

6. They always tell their partner when they come home

“Relationship problems often arise because one of the spouses does not understand what the other is doing, or it seems to him that they are beginning to be ignored,” advises psychologist Samantha Rodman. “A simple call or text message to let your partner know when you’re back from work or a meeting with friends/girlfriends will help him or her stop worrying about it and strengthen your relationship even more.”

7. They never stop flirting

“Flirting is a great way to show your partner you love and have some fun as well,” says Aaron Anderson. - Without it, relationships become gray and boring. In a healthy relationship, partners continue to flirt with each other even years later.” nine0003

8. They know how to deal honestly

“Even during a conflict, spouses do not scold each other with the last words and labels,” explains psychotherapist Kurt Smith. - I often hear how partners are not shy about making caustic comments and hurtful remarks, and then dismiss that they were "just kidding." In a healthy relationship, partners always treat each other with love and respect.”

9. They know how to forgive

“Partners are able to admit their mistakes, apologize and leave what happened in the past,” adds psychologist Marie Land. "Recent disagreements don't lead to emotional separation from each other and don't stop them from having a good time together." nine0003

Text: Nikolai Protsenko Photo Source: Getty Images

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