Obsession over a person

Symptoms, What It is, Causes, and More

What is obsessive love disorder?

“Obsessive love disorder” (OLD) refers to a condition where you become obsessed with one person you think you may be in love with. You might feel the need to protect your loved one obsessively, or even become controlling of them as if they were a possession.

While no separate medical or psychological classification exists for OLD, it can often accompany other types of mental health illnesses. Talk to your doctor if you think you or a loved one may have the disorder. Treatment can help decrease the symptoms while also preventing complications with relationships.

Symptoms of OLD may include:

an overwhelming attraction to one person
obsessive thoughts about the person

feeling the need to “protect” the person you’re in love with
possessive thoughts and actions
extreme jealousy over other interpersonal interactions
low self-esteem

People who have OLD may also not take rejection easily. In some cases, the symptoms could worsen at the end of a relationship or if the other person rejects you. There are other signs of this disorder, such as:

repeated texts, emails, and phone calls to the person they’re interested in
a constant need for reassurance
difficulty having friendships or maintaining contact with family members because of the obsession over one person
monitoring the actions of the other person
controlling where the other person goes and the activities they engage in

There’s no one single cause of OLD. Instead, it may be linked to other types of mental health disabilities such as:

Attachment disorders

This group of disorders refers to people who have emotional attachment issues, such as a lack of empathy or an obsession with another person.

Types of attachment disorders include disinhibited social engagement disorder (DSED) and reactive attachment disorder (RAD), and they both develop during childhood from negative experiences with parents or other adult caregivers.

In DSED, you might be overly friendly and not take precautions around strangers. With RAD, you may feel stressed and have problems getting along with others.

Borderline personality disorder

This mental health disorder is characterized by a disturbance with self-image coupled with severe mood swings. Borderline personality disorder can cause you to be extremely angry to extremely happy within a matter of minutes or hours.

Anxious and depressive episodes also occur. When considering obsessive love disorder, personality disorders can cause switches between extreme love for a person to extreme disdain.

Delusional jealousy

Based on delusions (events or facts you believe to be true), this disorder is exhibited by an insistence on things that are already proven false. When it comes to obsessive love, delusional jealousy can cause you to believe the other person has reciprocated their feelings for you, even if they’ve made it clear this is indeed not true.

According to a 2005 study, delusional jealousy may be linked to alcoholism in men.

Erotomania

This disorder is an intersection between delusional and obsessive love disorders. With erotomania, you believe that someone famous or of a higher social status is in love with you. This can lead to harassment of the other person, such as showing up at their home or workplace.

According to Comprehensive Psychiatry, people with erotomania are often isolated with few friends, and they may even be unemployed.

Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD)

Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) is a combination of obsessive thoughts and compulsive rituals. These are severe enough to interfere with your everyday life. OCD can also cause you to need constant reassurance, which can affect your relationships.

Some people are said to have relationship OCD, where obsessions and compulsions are centered around the relationship. However, this isn’t an officially recognized subtype of OCD.

Obsessional jealousy

Unlike delusional jealousy, obsessional jealousy is a nondelusional preoccupation with a partner’s perceived infidelity. This preoccupation can lead to repetitive and compulsive behaviors in response to infidelity concerns. These behaviors resemble OCD more so than delusional jealousy. This can cause significant distress or impair everyday functioning.

OLD is diagnosed with a thorough evaluation from a psychiatrist or other mental health professional. First, they will interview you by asking you questions about your symptoms, as well as your relationships. They’ll also ask you about your family and whether any known mental health illnesses exist.

A medical diagnosis from your primary doctor may also be needed to rule out other causes. Since obsessive love disorder intersects with other forms of mental health disabilities, it’s not classified on the American Psychological Association’s Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM).

For unknown reasons, OLD affects more women than men.

The precise treatment plan for this disorder depends on the underlying cause. However, it often involves a combination of medication and psychotherapy.

Medications can be used to adjust brain chemicals. In turn, this can reduce the symptoms of the disorder. Your doctor may recommend one of the following:

anti-anxiety medications, such as Valium and Xanax
antidepressants, such as Prozac, Paxil, or Zoloft
antipsychotics
mood stabilizers

It can take several weeks for your medication to work. You may also need to try different types until you find the one that works best for you. Talk to your doctor about possible side effects, such as:

appetite changes
dry mouth
fatigue
headaches
insomnia
loss of libido
nausea
weight gain
worsening symptoms

Therapy is also helpful for all forms of OLD. Sometimes it’s helpful for families to be involved with therapy sessions, especially if obsessive love disorder stems from issues during childhood. Depending on the severity of the disorder and your personal preferences, you might engage in individual or group therapy. Sometimes a mental health professional will recommend both types.

Therapy options include:

cognitive behavioral therapy
dialectical behavioral therapy
play therapy (for children)
talk therapy

While OLD is gaining more attention, it’s relatively rare. It’s estimated that less than 0.1 percent of people have the disorder.

If you or a loved one has possible symptoms of obsessive love disorder, you should see a doctor. They may refer you to a psychiatrist to help determine whether you truly have OLD. You may also have another mental health illness.

When diagnosed and treated, OLD may have a positive outcome. The key, however, is to not quit therapy or treatment if you think you’re feeling better. Suddenly stopping your treatment can worsen symptoms, or make them return.

Obsessive love disorder: Symptoms and treatment

Love can be a euphoric feeling, but many people have felt the pain of a broken heart and the intensity of infatuation. Obsessive love takes these emotions further, causing a person to fixate on their loved one as though they are an object or possession.

Health professionals do not widely recognize obsessive love, or “obsessive love disorder,” as a mental health condition.

Indeed, it is not currently listed in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 5th edition (DSM-5). However, obsessive love can be a sign of other mental health challenges and conditions.

If the person experiencing feelings of obsessive love does not receive treatment for the overall symptoms, they may have difficulty regulating these feelings. In very extreme cases, this may even trigger a person to commit acts of violence or abuse.

This article discusses obsessive love, the causes and symptoms behind it, and some possible treatment options.

A note about sex and gender

Sex and gender exist on spectrums. This article will use the terms, “male,” “female,” or both to refer to sex assigned at birth. Click here to learn more.

Forming a definition of “real” love has eluded scholars for centuries. Likewise, there is no single list of criteria that can distinguish obsessive love from real love.

The American Psychological Association (APA) defines love as:

a complex emotion that involves strong feelings of tenderness or affection toward the other person
experiencing pleasurable sensations in the presence of the other person
devotion to the other person’s well-being

Love can take many forms, including the love of family members or friends, concern for other humans, erotic love, and self-love.

Some experts suggest that romantic relationships have three essential components, called the triangular theory of love:

passion
intimacy
commitment

A 2020 article noted that the element of passion may include behaviors such as:

focused attention
intrusive thinking
obsessive following
possessiveness

In some cases, these thoughts or behaviors may tip into obsessive love.

Love can also cause physical changes in the body and may involve:

hormones such as oxytocin, vasopressin, cortisol, and testosterone
neurotransmitters such as dopamine and serotonin
nerve growth factor

For some people, these feelings may be so powerful that they become obsessed with keeping and controlling the person they love. They may appear to worship their partner at times, but become angry or jealous at the slightest threat.

The authors of the article suggested that the four components of love are:

attraction
resonance or connection
trust
respect

Some of these factors may be missing in obsessive love. For example, people with extreme jealousy may not trust their partner which may lead to them trying to control their partner or constantly monitoring their behavior.

Obsessive love may focus on ownership of a partner, rather than seeing them as an equal. Rather than loving the person and wanting the best for them, people with obsessive tendencies may love the other person because of their own needs.

Relationship obsessive compulsive disorder (ROCD) includes obsessions over a close or intimate relationship or partner and may include an obsessive focus on how a partner is unreliable or untrustworthy. Obsessive distrust in a relationship may link to depression, anxiety, and violence in a relationship.

Obsessive love may sometimes involve a relationship that does not actually exist, such as with a celebrity or a stranger.

Erotomania is a psychiatric disorder in which a person has a delusional belief that a person of higher social status than them is in love with them. With erotomania, the focus is on receiving love, rather than giving love.

To help support your mental well-being and that of your loved ones during this difficult time, visit our dedicated mental health hub to discover more research-backed information.

There are many factors that may cause obsessive love, which can include delusional disorders and mental health issues.

Erotomania

Erotomania, or de Clérambault’s syndrome, is a psychiatric condition in which a person has a delusional belief that another person loves them, usually someone of a higher status.

There are primary and secondary forms of erotomania. In primary erotomania, no other health condition causes erotomania and erotic delusion is the only symptom.

Secondary erotomania may be linked to other psychiatric conditions, such as schizophrenia or major depressive disorder. Erotomania may also be linked to head trauma, pregnancy, alcohol abuse, or certain medications such as amphetamines.

One 2017 case study suggested that social media may worsen erotomania. This is because it allows people with obsessive tendencies to observe others from a distance and to feel closer to them than they might otherwise feel.

Borderline personality disorder

People with borderline personality disorder (BPD) may intensely fear abandonment and have difficulty controlling emotions. They may quickly enter into relationships, or have intense relationships with others.

People with BPD may act impulsively, with intense mood swings. The condition may have a negative impact on a person’s relationships. People may feel an extreme closeness to another person, which may then suddenly change to dislike.

People with BPD may not have a consistent self-image or sense of self. This may worsen obsessive tendencies, since they may find it difficult to see themselves as real or worthy individually, separate from their relationships.

However, each person with BPD experiences different symptoms and at different levels of severity.

Attachment disorders

A person’s ability to form healthy attachments with others begins early in childhood. People whose parents or caregivers were unstable or abusive may develop abnormal patterns of attachment. This may cause them to become obsessive, controlling, or fearful in their relationships.

The attachment styles people develop as a child can influence how they behave in future relationships as an adult.

If people had a stable and responsive caregiver as a child, they develop a secure attachment style. This means a person is likely to be independent, manage their emotional experiences, and value close relationships.

If a child has an unstable caregiver, they may develop an insecure attachment style. This can make a person anxious, avoidant, or fearful in a relationship. People with insecure attachment styles may express emotions in a heightened way with an increased dependency on others.

Learn more about codependent relationships here.

Trauma and fears of abandonment

Trauma or experiences in childhood that lead to an insecure attachment style may lead to fear of abandonment. People with a fear of abandonment may develop obsessive tendencies.

People may be fearful to be alone and they may make threats or take impulsive actions in order to prevent a partner from leaving.

Other mental health conditions

A wide range of mental health conditions can distort or alter a person’s perspective, making them more fearful, obsessive, or depressed. This may increase their risk of becoming obsessed with their relationship.

People with dependent personality disorder may be clingy toward a partner, need constant reassurance from others, and feel helpless if they are alone.

Learn more about the different types of personality disorder here.

Social and cultural norms

Some social and cultural norms demand more of one partner than the other. This could mean that some parents and caregivers expose their children to these unhealthy relationship styles during their upbringing.

For example, being exposed to various relationship “norms” during childhood might cause some people to grow up believing that love means ownership, or that their partner must do everything they want to prove their love.

These thinking patterns are one hallmark of harmful masculinity or toxic masculinity. People with this trait may believe that it is acceptable for males to treat their partners in a way that is physically or emotionally damaging.

Those who display signs of toxic masculinity may also be controlling, demand more of their partners than they are willing to give, or abuse partners who break their “rules.”

If you or someone you know is in immediate danger of domestic violence, call 911 or otherwise seek emergency help. Anyone who needs advice or support can contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline 24/7 via:

phone, at 800-799-7233
live chat, at thehotline.org
text, by texting LOVEIS to 22522

Many other resources are available, including helplines, in-person support, and temporary housing. People can find local resources and others classified by demographics, such as support specifically for People of Color, here:

The Office on Women’s Health
The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence

The symptoms of obsessive love vary depending on the reason for the obsession. For instance, a person with a delusional disorder may experience altered reality or demonstrate unusual behavior, while a person with depression may have low self-esteem or experience suicidal thoughts.

In general, some signs that love is obsessive may include:

an intense preoccupation with the relationship that is disproportionate to how long people have known each other
immediately falling “in love” with new partners, or even with strangers
extreme attempts to control the other person
threatening the other person if they attempt to leave
refusing to listen to the other person’s feelings or accept any boundaries they attempt to create
demanding specific unreasonable behaviors from the other person

Other symptoms may include different types of jealous behavior.

Obsessional jealousy

People with obsessional jealousy have excessive jealous thoughts alongside compulsive behaviors. People with obsessional jealousy may recognize their thoughts are irrational. Symptoms of obsessional jealousy are more extreme than the normal emotion of jealousy, and include:

intrusive and excessive jealous thoughts, which may be difficult to stop thinking about
limiting a partner’s freedom
checking on a partner’s behavior

Delusional jealousy

According to a 2018 article, delusional jealousy occurs when a person has absolute certainty that a partner is being sexually unfaithful to them, but having no evidence for this belief. Delusional jealousy is a type of psychotic disorder, which people may also refer to as Othello syndrome.

Symptoms of delusional jealousy include:

false but certain belief that a partner is being unfaithful
persistent delusions about a partner’s infidelity
preoccupation with a partner’s infidelity
paranoid and irrational thoughts and emotions
unacceptable or extreme behavior

A mental health professional may decide that a person’s relationship is obsessive based on the symptoms they exhibit and whether or not they negatively affect the person’s life. There are no specific diagnostic criteria for obsessive love.

Obsessive love can be a sign of another mental health condition, so a healthcare professional may ask questions about a person’s mental health history. They may also recommend psychological or medical testing to rule out other causes, especially if the person demonstrates delusional behavior.

If a healthcare professional suspects a condition such as ROCD, they may use the obsessive distrust inventory (ODIS), which is a scale assessing how the person perceives their partner.

Treatment for obsessive love focuses on identifying the cause of the obsessive thoughts and feelings, then treating that cause. A person with a personality disorder may need psychotherapy and medications to manage any symptoms, such as anxiety or mood swings.

A treatment plan may involve learning more about the condition, learning healthy coping strategies to process emotions, and maintaining a healthy lifestyle.

Therapy may help people to manage obsessive feelings and develop healthier relationships. A therapist may help with processing trauma, managing underlying conditions, and establishing healthier relationship norms.

In the early stages of treatment, individual therapy is best, especially if the relationship is abusive. If each person in the relationship is able to establish better boundaries individually, couples counseling may then help them work together and move past the obsessive love.

There is no clear treatment plan or timeline for recovering from obsessive love. It is an individual experience that depends on many factors, from the level of obsessive love to the underlying condition that could be causing it.

If people with obsessive love are aware of their behavior, seeing a doctor is important in finding out the underlying cause and starting a treatment plan.

A person with obsessive love may not see their behavior as problematic. They might instead view the object of their affection as insufficiently loving or loyal, believing the other person to be the problem. This can mean that a person may find it difficult to seek treatment.

People who struggle to let go of relationships or who feel very insecure in a relationship may wish to consider the possibility that their love is obsessive and try to seek treatment.

If people are on the receiving end of obsessive love, they can contact a healthcare professional for advice. People can also contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline for help or call 911 if they are in immediate danger.

Obsessive love may be a sign of a serious mental health condition, and without treatment, it may be destructive to friendships and relationships. It could also lead to other serious mental health concerns for anyone involved. In severe cases, obsessive love may lead to legal difficulties or violence.

It is possible to treat the mental health conditions and other causes that can lead to obsessive love, especially with adequate support. However, this is only possible if the person with feelings of obsessive love feels able to seek help and support.

If a person is on the receiving end of obsessive love, they can contact a healthcare professional, support group, or hotline for help.

Love as an Obsession: Causes and Solutions

What motivates a woman who floods a guy with letters, sticks out at his house in the pouring rain and eliminates all her friends because they tried to interfere? Approximately the same thing that pushes an alcoholic to a bottle, and sends a drug addict to search for a new dose. Love over the edge is also an unhealthy addiction.

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When Kira* fell in love for the first time, she fell head over heels in love. He became her first lover, and Kira, a freshman at that time, was literally obsessed with him, she just went crazy. How hard it was for her to come to terms with the fact that he already had an affair before her!

He used to date a school friend. That girl was red-haired, and Kira, having learned about it, began to wander the streets and look for red-haired girls in the crowd in order to understand what they have that she does not have. Worst of all, that guy seemed to be making her jealous on purpose. One day, he casually mentioned that that girl left him, and he suffered. At one time, he even kept a photo of the redhead on his desk. nine0003

One day the photo disappeared, but Kira did not experience any relief: now she was afraid that he would go to her “rival”. She was calm only when her beloved was sleeping peacefully in her bed.

Oh, this love obsession that made Tatyana turn pale in the presence of Onegin and threw Karenina under the train! If you have ever experienced strong feelings, you know this tremor that covers at the sight of an object of passion, the painful expectation of news from him, puppy delight when the long-awaited text message arrived, and two hours spent reading between the lines what he had mean by writing: "Hi, how are you?", and the absolute inability to think about anything else. ..

For the time being, this is normal. Any specialist will confirm that if all these feelings are unfamiliar to you, then you have never loved.

Blame evolution for everything: as soon as we meet someone suitable, we are ready to literally chase this person until we round it up. That's the way we are.

The Chemistry of Passion

In the early stages of love, you are drunk on dopamine, a substance produced by the body that is associated with pleasure, strong desire, and even addiction. Brain tomography has shown that when people look at photos of loved ones, there is a burst of activity in a certain small area of the brain, and you literally bathe in the hormones of pleasure. This is a brain reward system aimed at shaping desires, aspirations, forcing people to direct energy in the right direction. What scares me is the same area that is involved in cocaine addiction. Once activated, you are strongly motivated to get what you want, be it drugs or a loved one. Scientists have proven that romantic love can be as powerful as drug addiction. Researchers recall a woman who took 10 years to get over being dumped by a man. nine0003

MRI studies have also shown that the region of the brain responsible for anxiety is incredibly active in lovers. Therefore, we stand on our ears if our loved one does not answer messages / calls for a little longer than usual or is late for a meeting. Well, of course, something terrible happened to him, or, worse, he cheats. After all, his phone couldn’t just break, and a tire couldn’t have been punctured?

In addition to this, a mixture of hormones seethes in us, which makes the object of passion and everything connected with it incredibly sexually attractive. This mechanism also works vice versa: not only from attachment to sex, but also from sex to attachment, which is why we sometimes fall in love with a person with whom we were just going to spend the night. nine0003

Still, the most important thing in love affairs is not chemistry. Contrary to the urban legend that sexual attraction in humans is due to pheromones (as is the case in other animals endowed with a keen sense of smell), we are guided by a kind of “love map of the brain”: a list of things that we subconsciously look for in a potential partner (everyone has one's own: success, a certain physique, the timbre of the voice - what turns someone on). Human desire has more to do with who we're looking for and how they treat us than any combination of smells or hormones, researchers say. nine0003

In the end, there comes a moment when the phase of falling in love “I don’t eat, I don’t sleep - I keep thinking about him” flows into the phase “now I am able to notice his shortcomings”. For several years after the wedding, this dopamine-drug dependence on each other persists, but the manic obsession with the beloved gradually dissipates over the course of about a year. If this were not so, we would not be able to really do anything and think about anything except our love, and everyone would have died out long ago, like dinosaurs.

When love turns into a mental illness

For some people, however, this crazy love persists. Even if the guy lets you down all the time... and sees you less and less... or you start to find evidence hinting at his betrayal. What's even crazier is that a man's fickle attention can ignite a love obsession even in the heart of a well-balanced woman.

Svetlana, 26, met a guy just before her long-awaited departure to Spain, where she was going to do an internship and learn the language. “I instantly fell in love. We were inseparable, we wanted to live together when I returned,” she recalls. Sveta was even ready to cancel her dream trip. But the guy insisted - under the pretext of caring about her future. nine0003

She left and wrote him a love e-mail a day, sent a video about her life abroad. He never answered. But she didn't doubt his love for a second, even as she heard more and more alienation in his voice on the phone. The calls became less and less frequent, and finally he announced to her that it was all over, without any explanation. Instead of understanding what kind of guy he was and cutting him out of her life, Sveta boarded the nearest plane home, sobbing the whole flight. From the airport, she went straight to his house and started banging on the door, sobbing, until his brother opened it. The boy explained to the unfortunate woman that "her boyfriend" no longer considers her his girlfriend. nine0003

The main reason a healthy, normal crush turns into a painful obsession is when someone gives you a share of attention and continues to feed your feelings, but not so much that you feel confident in him, experts say. The “Yes – No – I don’t know – maybe” behavior model drives even quite sane people crazy. In other words, if you get a love drug in small doses, it only increases the addiction.

Are you prone to love obsession? nine0030

Most of us have such sins as trying to catch the eye of those with whom we are passionate more often and studying their pages on social networks up and down. But psychologists believe that certain personality types are especially at risk of falling prey to destructive passion. People who grew up in families where someone suffers from alcoholism, or who lacked parental care, are prone to chasing the unavailable.

Such an anxious person will assume that if the guy does not call, then it is her fault. At the same time, she feels like a half of a person while he is not around. People of this type can be quite happy, even when their feelings are not quite shared, because they are turned on by this "one step forward and two back" relationship, devoid of specific obligations. nine0003

Let's go back to Kira. Her relationship with that guy dragged on for four years, thanks in part to its dramatic nature. “We had very violent sex, as well as grandiose scandals right in the middle of the street. We parted and reconciled. Once I got so angry with him that I jumped out of the car on the move.

When relationships quickly become tense beyond measure, the thing you fear most will inevitably happen: you will simply scare away the person you love so madly.

How to break the vicious circle

The cure for love obsession is the same as for getting rid of any other dangerous addiction: try to enlist the support of others and quit your painful habit completely, abruptly and irrevocably.

But first, it is worth analyzing your own behavior: did the relationship develop at the speed of light at your suggestion? Your idol almost immediately became your whole world, despite clear signs that he is not the person you need? As soon as you understand what pattern you acted on, you will have a chance to change something for the better. nine0003

Next step: drop the object of your obsession in one fell swoop - no indulgence, no goodbye nights. Every time you visit his page on the social network, you get a dose of dopamine, and your addiction grows stronger, psychologists warn. Unfriend him everywhere, delete correspondence from your phone, put everything connected with him out of sight. Then renounce any contact with him and swear that you will not answer if he tries to contact you.

Ask your friends not to mention his name in your presence. If you can’t sleep or work and don’t get out of depression for weeks, try to contact a psychotherapist. The goal of therapy is to replace the irrational thoughts that you need someone to feel complete with a healthy view of love. nine0003

Kira's turbulent relationship ended when she discovered that her boyfriend had done what she feared most: sleeping with his red-haired ex-girlfriend. Kira experienced a disgust that cured her passion. She started dating more adequate guys and found a fiancé who was the complete opposite of her ex. They did not have any dramas, scandals and jumps out of the car. They soon got married. “I was not afraid to lose him - and I liked this feeling of closeness and spiritual comfort,” admits Kira. - In my previous relationships, I never really felt like a person. And now everything seems so stable and real. I never thought before that love could be like this. And now I know it." nine0003

__________

*Names have been changed.

Obsession: what is stalking and how to deal with it

Love and sex

Even if you are not a millionaire blogger or a pop star, you can easily become a victim of persecution. Social networks have made our lives too open. Here you are sitting in a restaurant, which you inform your subscribers about, and suddenly an annoying admirer comes there “quite by accident”. Coincidence? We don't think...

So, let's figure out what can be considered a manifestation of attention or romantic courtship, and what should scare you? Your ex won't leave you alone even though you made it clear to him that it's over. At the same time, he not only calls and writes, but for some reason always ends up exactly where you are: at the same concert, in the same bar, at the same premiere. A stranger who recognized your place of work on social networks, without warning, arrived at the office with flowers and is waiting for you at the exit. Or the new fan you didn't call after the first date keeps texting and trying to meet up and even hooking up your girlfriends and following your mom. In social networks, an unknown (or famous) fan or fan writes strange messages to you, besides, reacting to all your photos and comments on your personal page. If any of the above is in your life, it seems that you have become a victim of a stalker. nine0003

And if you want to get to know who they are, watch the series "You" or the movie "Fatal Attraction". The main characters in them are bright representatives of such a phenomenon as stalking. Fortunately, not all stalkers are maniacs in life, but still their behavior is no less frightening. And, unfortunately, it is almost impossible to protect yourself from such people with the help of the judicial system.

N is absurd. I sit at home, then turn on, then turn off the phone. Sometimes I need to make a call - and all this needs to be done instantly, otherwise the iPhone will be raped by an attack from one cherished number. The caller is sitting downstairs in the car. Guards. nine0003

You don't understand: has he seriously lost his mind, and you need to call the police with paramedics, or is it just a tantrum - nasty, but short-lived? Well, how can an adult man, having received a resignation (relationship - less than a month), arrange this show with giraffes?

My version (and I insist - out of harm): this is such childish selfishness - I will lie on the floor of the store, squeal and piss under myself until my mother buys a toy. And not because the toy is needed (no one remembers what kind of toy we are talking about), but ... out of principle. Once something happened, and now you are proving something there. nine0003

Nevertheless, it is scary to go outside, because tears, women's howls, persuasions will fall on you. What to persuade? love me back?

Or Vladimir, in all seriousness, in an ambush. He has professional equipment - a telescope with a range of kilometers. He sits in the bushes and follows his mistress. He is waiting for her to come with another. She comes. Then he watches her windows (no longer from the bushes, it seems that he somehow got on the stairs of the house opposite). The mistress did not agree on an exclusive with him, she is free to sleep with anyone. But Vladimir stubbornly follows, calls, arranges scenes. He is fired, but he does not give up. I am now telling you about a successful man, married, with children, who puts on a wig, camouflage - and watches the girl all night long. nine0003

Don't say it's love. Any feeling, phenomenon or object has clear boundaries. Love with persecution, torture of an object is a mental illness with a fetish in the form of a person.

Love is bright, kind and altruistic. The essence and meaning of love is reciprocity. If this is not so, it is not love, but spiritual problems. A riot of passion is good only if it is two-sided.

Wikipedia says that “stalking is unwanted obsessive attention to one person by another person or group of people. Stalking is a form of harassment and intimidation; as a rule, it is expressed in the pursuit of the victim, tracking her. nine0003

Men make up 83% of stalkers, and women make up about two-thirds of the victims of stalking. About 50% of stalkers are ex-partners who start stalking after a breakup or divorce.”

In the past, many men could not accept being abandoned by a woman. There were even these "competitions" - who actually abandoned whom. As if for adequate people it matters. I had one man who came back into my life twice, making great efforts, was perfect, and then abruptly changed his behavior - and I immediately exposed him again. For the third time (here he already moved me to pity - he portrayed some kind of misfortune, begged to stay with me for a week), he changed the strategy. Realizing that the line “she’s softened, now I’ll show her who’s the boss” doesn’t work, he went into the kitchen and said: “I understand, we don’t fit together, I’m breaking up with you. ” Well, I, satisfied and happy, said “OK!”, afraid to frighten off luck. He repeated: “It is I who part with you!” “Well, yes, of course, I’m in shock, God, how can I live,” I said in a monotone. To be honest, this did not bring him much joy, but it was clear that he was happy that it was "he left me." “Well, you idiot,” I thought, imagining life without his troubles. But it was a humane version of persecution. nine0003

Real possession is a serious disease. It is dangerous, even though it has different variations. It is not for nothing that a very strange kind of stalking is called “nonsense of love charm”. He is the Clerambo syndrome, he is also erotic nonsense.

As a child, I had a friend who told very true stories that a famous singer was in love with her. These tales were very similar to the truth. You are given a thoughtful, reliable story, sincere experiences. Miscellaneous small details. But at some point inconsistencies come out. Somehow the person is talking. And you understand - he is delirious. Another friend, already in adulthood, said that she had a connection with one minister. She also worked in the government, so their acquaintance did not seem to be something impossible. Smart successful woman with a brilliant career. Well, a man tells you about a secret (he is married) relationship that lasts for many years - nothing out of the ordinary. It's not like she's been abducted by aliens. Lots of details and, most importantly, the stories are so ordinary - no outstanding adventures, nothing strange that could suggest fantasies. For five years she fed me stories about that minister from time to time. And then I started to suspect. Didn't make ends meet. Then a mutual friend admitted that he did not want to betray her (childhood friend), but since I guessed, he laid out how everything really is. This woman takes every opportunity to be where the minister is. If she had a small talk with him, it's like a relationship year in her mind. Sometimes she is blown away - and in the middle of the night she bombards him with messages. The man reacts with dignity - either he pities her, or he has nerves of steel. A separate part of her life is hatred for his wife. She knows everything about her. Sometimes he watches. Criticizes everything, including children. And this has been going on for 20 years. Of course, she doesn’t have a personal life - but she believes that she has an affair. nine0003

Sometimes such people are just intrusive. Sometimes they are dangerous.

I had a lover who I kept just in case - and the funny thing is that it only lasted a month. He once called me, and I lied that I was going to visit relatives. In fact, another lover came to me. And so he leaves for work in the morning, and then the doorbell rings. I opened it without asking, I thought he forgot something. And there, this one. He bursts into the apartment and starts a tantrum - they say, he sat on the bench all night, and I, the bitch, was with another. It was scary. And then, lo and behold, the second man really forgot something and returned. And exposed the idiot. I had to twist it a little. nine0003

Such people are not able to control what happens to them. Sometimes they are frankly stupid, and sometimes they are smart, and then they more cleverly confuse the tracks, inspire confidence. And they can convince you that this is all love. But you don't believe.

Stills from the series “You”

A very simple test: if a person complicates your life, if he convinces you to do something that you don’t want at all (at least accept him), then it means that your interests are not important to him from the word “ at all". Oddly enough, the police scare them. Threaten. If he knows that the police will not do this, feel free to lie that your new man hired security, he has a staff and these guys are harsh. This usually works. nine0003

Stalkers realize they cannot control you. But the main thing is not to be fooled by myths about unbridled love that drives a person crazy. Stalking has nothing to do with love. And stalkers are cunning and prudent. Their goal is not you, but a sense of control, victory over you. Their addiction is more of a disease. And here it is necessary to make it clear that you and only you manage your life. Don't feed their interest. Do not engage in dialogue and do not answer questions. Do not try to convince or regret. The stalker can understand your attention as hope. nine0003

And most importantly - be sure to write a statement to the police and inform the stalker about it. There may be several options for filing an application - according to the Criminal Code of the Russian Federation (Articles 137 of the Criminal Code of the Russian Federation "Violation of privacy" and 119 of the Criminal Code of the Russian Federation "Threat of murder or infliction of grievous bodily harm") or according to the Code of Administrative Offenses (administrative articles: "Insult" in Code of Administrative Offenses of the Russian Federation 5.

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