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Stop it, it doesn't hurt you | Podari Zhizn Foundation

When we experience strong feelings, it can be difficult for us to find words. Therefore, we often use the so-called "cliches" - something that we have heard before, including in the family, in relation to ourselves. nine0003

But how can children perceive our words at a difficult moment for them? Does what we say help them? We continue the list of unwanted words and expressions. And we explain why it is worth trying to speak differently.

do it as soon as possible. Why do parents react this way? Perhaps because they themselves are not in a resource state at this moment and they do not have the strength to stop, understand and accept the feelings of the child, help him cope with the emotions that he is now experiencing. There is not only no strength, but often no time, you have to run somewhere and not before now, not before these tears and “whims”. We are all alive, which means we are not perfect. nine0003

“I see that you are tired, frustrated, sad, offended, angry or angry”

But what can happen if a child hears such words often? Children may begin to think that they are not believed. The child gets upset, cries, complains, whines, somehow expresses his emotions (which are usually called negative), and this is not always commensurate with the severity of the situation, from the point of view of an adult, a parent. But can we measure everything? Can we always know how the situation is perceived by the child and how difficult it is for him? Can we decide for him what he feels, what he has the right to feel now, and what not. When a child often receives in response: “It doesn’t hurt you,” “It’s not scary,” he regularly goes through the experience that his feelings are denied, not taken into account. “What you are experiencing right now is not right, stop showing it.” nine0003

The child may stop doing things we don't like. But there are long-term risks in this approach to a child's feelings, used regularly. Children do not learn to understand their feelings, to distinguish them and trust them. Parents say that these feelings are nonsense, they must be taken and turned off. This becomes the main way of emotional regulation. And then very many people have to learn for a long time already in adulthood to listen to themselves again, to understand their mood and needs.

First of all, it is important to respond. To say that you see that the child is not easy, his feelings matter to you. “I see you are tired, upset, you are sad, hurt, you are angry or angry.” "I see and understand that you don't like it." Then it is worth explaining that there are such circumstances when it is not possible to refuse, you must do it anyway. “I understand how hard it is for you right now, but we need to go to this office / to the dentist / to kindergarten.” And then, be sure, this is very important, ask: “How can I help you now?” "Maybe I can hug you?" “Let's think about what we will do next, after you pass this test?” Let your child know that you see and understand his feelings, and that you are ready to support him in every possible way. nine0003

Instead of "You're mean/bad", try "You're being bad right now. "

These words are spoken when a child misbehaves. Does something that makes us uncomfortable. Or something to be ashamed of. Someone may also say: “You are terrible”, “You are bad”, “I am ashamed of you”. Parents can experience a variety of emotions in connection with what the child does. They want to somehow call him to order, punish him verbally. This may be due not only to how children behave, but to the special sensitivity of the parents themselves to certain behavior, as well as their own condition. nine0003

In the humanistic direction of psychology there is a well-known postulate "one must not confuse a person and his behavior." After all, no matter what happens, it is important not to forget that not the whole child is bad, but his behavior at the moment. And that is why it is so important to say not “You are evil / bad”, but “You are behaving badly now”. In addition, it is important to teach the child himself to separate feelings and behavior. He must understand that you can experience a variety of feelings, this is normal, all people get angry or angry sometimes. Feelings are not condemned or forbidden, there is nothing wrong with them, but it is important to learn not to commit certain actions. It is important to be able to control your behavior, otherwise everyone around will only fight. nine0003

Children can overflow the banks, but, of course, you should never hit someone or say bad words. It is important for the parent to set boundaries and make it clear to the child that he really breaks the rules. “We don’t fight”, “We don’t beat each other”, “We don’t use such words.” But it is not enough just to mark the border, the rule, the prohibition. It is important to offer a replacement, to teach what can be done in such a situation. "Let's think about what you can do so that when you're angry, you don't hurt someone else." "I see that you feel bad and you are angry, please choose another word." "Let's think of other words to say this. " “You can now hit the pillow, throw something. But please, never hit anyone." In this case, we do not just forbid doing something, we gradually teach the child what to do with feelings if they suddenly flood. nine0003

“I need a break now. I’m starting to get angry myself now, I also need time to calm down a bit.”

A child may perceive such words as a threat from their parents. And this threat lies not so much in the actions that may follow, but in the situation itself: parents are not strong enough and stable if they can “lose their temper”, lose control, because young children perceive many words literally. And even for older children, such a phrase can mean that all responsibility for the actions of parents is transferred to the child. nine0003

If you feel that you have no strength, you yourself are heated to the limit, try saying: “I need a pause now. I’m starting to get angry myself now, I also need time to calm down a bit. ” And offer to leave for a while. Thus, you will give an example to the child, show that you are a living person, you also have feelings, you may be hurt, offended, you may be angry, but no matter what you experience, you do not act immediately, impulsively, based on your feelings . No matter how upset / angry you are, you know how to be responsible for your behavior, you know how to notice these feelings and at the same time know and know how to handle them without splashing out in an insulting way, without spanking or insulting anyone. And this means that the child can learn from you. And also to feel safe next to you, rely on your strength and stability in difficult situations. nine0003

"I can't explain it all to you right away, I'm still learning it myself, you're asking important and serious questions, I'd like to think about the answers."

“It’s too early for you to discuss it”, “Don’t think about it”, “Don’t talk nonsense”, “Don’t ask stupid questions” ". But it happens that it is important for a child to ask about what is happening to him, including what he is sick with, why he is in the hospital. Or to understand other difficult things: why parents quarrel or get divorced. nine0003

When a child asks a question, there is nothing wrong with that. Who else should he ask about what worries him at the moment, if not his parents? Perhaps his questions sound tactless, direct, or rude. Because usually children ask bluntly, not like adults. Sometimes they ask questions unexpectedly, out of the blue. Hence the spontaneous reaction of adults: it seems that the best way to answer is to avoid answering. What is the risk? This is a blow to confidence. If the child understands that parents cannot be asked about something or they still do not answer, he will look for answers elsewhere. And he will find them. And it won't always be the answers you like. Therefore, it is important not to exclude ourselves from this process. nine0003

Express understanding: "I understand that it is important for you to know that you want to understand better." First of all, recognize the right of the child to understand the situation that worries him.

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