Why people have low self esteem
Self esteem - Better Health Channel
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Summary
Read the full fact sheet- Self-esteem is your opinion of yourself.
- Everyone lacks confidence occasionally but people with low self-esteem are unhappy or unsatisfied with themselves most of the time.
- It takes attention and daily practice to boost a low self-esteem.
Self-esteem is your opinion of yourself. People with healthy self-esteem like themselves and value their achievements. While everyone lacks confidence occasionally, people with low self-esteem feel unhappy or unsatisfied with themselves most of the time. This can be remedied but it takes attention and daily practise to boost self-esteem.
See your doctor for information, advice and referral if you’re having trouble improving your self-esteem or if low self-esteem is causing problems such as depression.
Characteristics of low self-esteem
Typically, a person with low self-esteem:
- Is extremely critical of themselves
- Downplays or ignores their positive qualities
- Judges themselves to be inferior to their peers
- Uses negative words to describe themselves such as stupid, fat, ugly or unlovable
- Has discussions with themselves (this is called ‘self talk’) that are always negative, critical and self blaming
- Assumes that luck plays a large role in all their achievements and doesn’t take the credit for them
- Blames themselves when things go wrong instead of taking into account other things over which they have no control such as the actions of other people or economic forces
- Doesn’t believe a person who compliments them.
Low self-esteem and quality of life
A low self-esteem can reduce the quality of a person’s life in many different ways, including:
- Negative feelings – the constant self-criticism can lead to persistent feelings of sadness, depression, anxiety, anger, shame or guilt.
- Relationship problems – for example they may tolerate all sorts of unreasonable behaviour from partners because they believe they must earn love and friendship, cannot be loved or are not loveable. Alternatively, a person with low self-esteem may feel angry and bully other people.
- Fear of trying – the person may doubt their abilities or worth and avoid challenges.
- Perfectionism – a person may push themselves and become an over-achiever to ‘atone’ for what they see as their inferiority.
- Fear of judgement – they may avoid activities that involve other people, like sports or social events, because they are afraid they will be negatively judged. The person feels self-conscious and stressed around others and constantly looks for ‘signs’ that people don’t like them.
- Low resilience – a person with low self-esteem finds it hard to cope with a challenging life event because they already believe themselves to be ‘hopeless’.
- Lack of self-care – the person may care so little that they neglect or abuse themselves, for example, drink too much alcohol.
- Self-harming behaviours – low self-esteem puts the person at increased risk of self-harm, for example, eating disorder, drug abuse or suicide.
If at any time you are worried about your mental health or the mental health of a loved one, call Lifeline 13 11 14.
Causes of low self-esteem
Some of the many causes of low self-esteem may include:
- Unhappy childhood where parents (or other significant people such as teachers) were extremely critical
- Poor academic performance in school resulting in a lack of confidence
- Ongoing stressful life event such as relationship breakdown or financial trouble
- Poor treatment from a partner, parent or carer, for example, being in an abusive relationship
- Ongoing medical problem such as chronic pain, serious illness or physical disability
- Mental illness such as an anxiety disorder or depression.
Seek help for underlying self-esteem problems
Chronic problems can be demoralising and lead to self-esteem issues. Seek professional advice for problems such as relationship breakdown, anxiety disorder or financial worries.
Self-esteem building
Self-esteem is strongly related to how you view and react to the things that happen in your life. Suggestions for building self-esteem include:
- Talk to yourself positively – treat yourself as you would your best friend. Be supportive, kind and understanding. Don’t be hard on yourself when you make a mistake.
- Challenge negative ‘self-talk’ – every time you criticise yourself, stop and look for objective evidence that the criticism is true. (If you feel you can’t be objective, then ask a trusted friend for their opinion.) You’ll realise that most of your negative self-talk is unfounded.
- Don’t compare yourself to others – recognise that everyone is different and that every human life has value in its own right.
Make an effort to accept yourself, warts and all. - Acknowledge the positive – for example, don’t brush off compliments, dismiss your achievements as ‘dumb luck’ or ignore your positive traits.
- Appreciate your special qualities – remind yourself of your good points every day. Write a list and refer to it often. (If you feel you can’t think of anything good about yourself, ask a trusted friend to help you write the list.)
- Forget the past – concentrate on living in the here-and-now rather than reliving old hurts and disappointments.
- Tell yourself a positive message everyday – buy a set of ‘inspirational cards’ and start each day reading out a new card and carrying the card’s message with you all day.
- Stop worrying – ‘worry’ is simply fretting about the future. Accept that you can’t see or change the future and try to keep your thoughts in the here-and-now.
- Have fun – schedule enjoyable events and activities into every week.
- Exercise – it is such a good boost to the brain for all kinds of things but especially in combatting depression and helping you to feel good. Targets need to be step by step, such as starting with a walk round the block once a day, enrolling at a local gym class or going for a swim.
- Be assertive – communicate your needs, wants, feelings, beliefs and opinions to others in a direct and honest manner.
- Practise the above suggestions every day – it takes effort and vigilance to replace unhelpful thoughts and behaviours with healthier versions. Give yourself time to establish the new habits. Keep a diary or journal to chart your progress.
Seek out support to build self-esteem
Further ways to build self-esteem include:
- Talk to a trusted friend or loved one about your self-esteem issues.
- Browse the Better Health Channel for further information.
- See your doctor for information, advice and possible referral.
- Read books on self-development.
- Take a course in personal development.
- Discuss your issues and get advice from a trained therapist.
Where to get help
- Your doctor
- Your local community health centre
- Find a GP near you who specialises in mental health issues through the beyondblue website
- beyondblue Info Line Tel. 1300 22 4636
- Lifeline Tel. 13 11 14
- Kids Helpline Tel. 1800 55 1800
- Suicide Helpline Victoria Tel. 1300 651 251
- Mental Health Foundation Tel. (03) 9427 0407, Monday to Friday, 9am to 5pm
- Relationships Australia (Victoria) Tel. 1300 364 277
Things to remember
- Self-esteem is your opinion of yourself.
- Everyone lacks confidence occasionally but people with low self-esteem are unhappy or unsatisfied with themselves most of the time.
- It takes attention and daily practice to boost a low self-esteem.
- Self-esteem – feeling OK about who you are, Reach Out, Inspire Foundation, Sydney, More information here.
- Improving self-esteem – what is low self-esteem?, (218kb, pdf), Centre for Clinical Interventions. More information here.
- The story on self-esteem, Kids Health US. More information here.
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Content disclaimer
Content on this website is provided for information purposes only. Information about a therapy, service, product or treatment does not in any way endorse or support such therapy, service, product or treatment and is not intended to replace advice from your doctor or other registered health professional. The information and materials contained on this website are not intended to constitute a comprehensive guide concerning all aspects of the therapy, product or treatment described on the website.
All users are urged to always seek advice from a registered health care professional for diagnosis and answers to their medical questions and to ascertain whether the particular therapy, service, product or treatment described on the website is suitable in their circumstances. The State of Victoria and the Department of Health shall not bear any liability for reliance by any user on the materials contained on this website.
Reviewed on: 21-08-2014
5 Reasons People Have Low Self-Confidence
Source: InesBazdar/Shutterstock
The most important thing to know about low self-confidence is that it is not your fault.
The factors that contribute to low self-confidence combine and interact differently for each person. Your genes, cultural background, childhood experiences, and other life circumstances all play a role. But don’t lose heart—although we can’t change the experiences in our past that shaped us, there is plenty we can do to alter our thoughts and expectations to gain more confidence.
Genes and Temperament
Some of what molds our self-confidence is built into our brains at birth. I mention these factors not to overwhelm you, but to let you know that you shouldn’t blame yourself for your self-image.
Studies have shown our genetic makeup affects the amount of certain confidence-boosting chemicals our brain can access. Serotonin, a neurotransmitter associated with happiness, and oxytocin, the “cuddle hormone,” can both be inhibited by certain genetic variations. Somewhere between 25 to 50 percent of the personality traits linked to confidence may be inherited.
Some aspects of our behavior also stem from our temperament. If you’re naturally more hesitant and watchful, especially in unfamiliar circumstances, you may have a tendency called “behavioral inhibition.” When you're confronted with a situation, you stop and check to see if everything seems the way you expected it to be. If something appears awry, you're likely to move away from the situation.
Behavioral inhibition is not all bad. We need some people in the world who don't impulsively jump into every situation. If you're a cautious and reserved person, self-confidence may have eluded you. But once you understand yourself and the tools in this book, you'll be able to work with your temperament and not fight it.
Life Experiences
A number of individual experiences can lead to feeling completely unsure of yourself or even worthless. Here, I’ll discuss a few.
- Trauma. Physical, sexual, and emotional abuse can all significantly affect our feelings of self-worth. If you find yourself replaying memories of abuse or otherwise feeling tormented by or ashamed of your experiences, please consider seeking treatment from a licensed clinician.
- Parenting style. The way we were treated in our family of origin can affect us long after childhood. For instance, if you had a parent who constantly belittled you, compared you to others, or told you that you would never amount to anything, you likely carry those messages with you today.
A parent’s struggles with mental health and substance abuse can also change your relationship with the world. - Bullying, harassment, and humiliation. Childhood bullying can leave a mark on your confidence when it comes to looks, intellectual and athletic abilities, and other areas of your life. Humiliating experiences in adulthood, including workplace harassment or a peer group that disrespects or demeans you, can also make you less willing to speak up for yourself or pursue ambitious goals.
- Gender, race, and sexual orientation. Scores of studies show women are socialized to worry more about how they’re perceived and, therefore, to take fewer risks. Racial and cultural background and sexual orientation can make a difference, too. If you’ve been on the receiving end of discrimination, you may have internalized some negative, untrue messages about your potential and whether you “belong.”
Misinformation
Lack of self-confidence can come from not knowing the "rules" of the confidence game.
For example, if we think we have to feel confident in order to act confidently, we set ourselves up for failure.
Perfectionism is another form of faulty thinking that contributes to low self-confidence. If we believe we have to have something all figured out before we take action, those thoughts can keep us from doing the things we value. Even learning and understanding what confidence is and isn’t is a big step toward boosting it.
The World Around Us
Many media messages are designed to make us feel lacking. Companies that want to sell you products usually start by making you feel bad about yourself, often by introducing a “problem” with your body that you would never have noticed otherwise. (The movie Mean Girls memorably skewered this idea: The main character, new to American high-school culture after years of homeschooling in Africa, is bewildered when her new clique stands around a mirror criticizing themselves. “My hairline is so weird,” says one. “My nail beds suck!” proclaims another.
)
Now that social media has become ubiquitous, the messages hit closer to home. It’s easy to believe that everyone around you has the perfect marriage, a dream career, and supermodel looks to boot. But remember: What people post online is heavily curated and edited. Everyone has bad days, self-doubt, and physical imperfections. They just don’t trot them out on Facebook!
“One reason we struggle with insecurity: We’re comparing our behind-the-scenes to everyone else’s highlight reel.” —Steven Furtick
Anxiety and Depression
It’s common for anxiety and depression to go hand-in-hand with self-confidence issues. If you’ve already been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder or depression and are working with a therapist, you could bring in your workbook and perhaps go through it together. It’s brave of you to address your self-assurance stumbling blocks, and building confidence will also help you lessen anxiety and depression.
Questions to Consider
- Which of the contributing factors described in this section resonate the most with you?
- What specific experiences in your life do you think had the biggest negative effects on your self-confidence?
Next Steps
- Take this self-confidence quiz.
Self-confidence begins with knowing yourself. You might also enjoy spending some time answering these questions designed to help increase your confidence level. - Learn why self-confidence is so important. Start here.
- Avoid these self-confidence traps.
- Try these four proven approaches to increase your confidence level.
Adapted from The Self-Confidence Workbook: A Guide to Overcoming Self-Doubt and Improving Self-Esteem. Copyright © 2018 by Barbara Markway and Celia Ampel.
LinkedIn image: Hananeko_Studio/Shutterstock
Where does low self-esteem really come from and how to fix it?
Health
Low self-esteem (which is formed due to childhood traumas, biological characteristics and bad life experiences) can be dealt with. The scientific director of the psychological center "Quality of Life", a specialist in the field of cognitive-behavioral psychotherapy Alexander Erichev told Sobaka.
Ru what steps will help to do this.
Reasons for low self-esteem
People with low self-esteem always have negative core beliefs about themselves. They appear in the process of life experience - including if a person has faced a large number of punishments, prohibitions, insults, neglect. The first group of such beliefs is associated with defectiveness ("I'm somehow not like that"), the second - with helplessness ("I'm weak") and the third - with the lack of love ("they don't like me").
Negative beliefs often arise when childhood is not satisfied basic needs. First of all, the need for love and acceptance. For example, at the time of the birth of a child, maternal feelings did not awaken at the mother, and the father generally disappeared in an unknown direction. Another situation is emotional deprivation from parents. For example, they were not used to expressing warm feelings, were less emotional than other families.
Quite often people suffer from low self-esteem, who seemed to have quite good support in the family, but got into a situation of prolonged bullying. For example, at school, such a situation can seriously change the perception of oneself. The man, remembering the time of persecution, says that he felt fear and helplessness. He was in a state of chronic stress for a very long time, and this negative experience stuck with him.
When a person's self-esteem is distorted, he finds even more evidence in events that he is bad
There are also biological preconditions for low self-esteem to become fixed in a person. For example, a dandelion baby and an orchid baby can be born in the same family. "Dandelion" will grow through the asphalt and will be less sensitive to environmental factors. Such a child will more easily cope with the same bullying. And the orchid child, who, for biological reasons, is more vulnerable and shy, will not be able to resolve this situation, perhaps he will not even seek support from his parents.
We must not forget that we all have different types of nervous system. We are different from each other even at birth, and then life also leaves its serious imprint. The production of hormones changes, stress reactions are fixed.
Distortions in personal thinking play a huge role in our self-esteem. We all perceive the same situation differently. Recent studies show that even our memories should not be trusted, because they are seriously distorted, including under the influence of our emotions. So, if a person has a distorted personal self-esteem, and he feels weak, helpless, defective and lazy, then he will also perceive all the events that happen to him in a distorted way. And find more and more evidence that he is bad.
One person with low self-esteem will avoid contact with the opposite sex out of fear, while another will have a huge number of casual relationships
What bad thoughts about ourselves lead to
in addition, the person himself tries to protect himself from them by a set of rules.
That is, he seeks to prevent the confirmation of his fears and fears. For example, if he thinks that he is unloved, then what strategies of behavior will he demonstrate? They can be completely opposite. One will avoid contact with the opposite sex for fear of being rejected anyway. The other will choose a different behavior: on the contrary, he will have a huge number of casual connections, and he will perceive each acquaintance as a trophy. In appearance, he will seem confident and impudent, but in fact, behind this behavior, hide his negative attitudes towards himself. Such rules that a person has created for himself can be different. For example, a person decides that he must always be polite. Or if he is criticized, it immediately means that he is bad. And if he doesn't try his best, he won't achieve anything.
A person with low self-esteem attributes all failures to himself, and success to chance
To assess your self-esteem, ask yourself a series of questions.
Has your life experience taught you to value yourself for who you are? Do you have a good opinion of yourself? Do you take good care of yourself and take care of yourself? Do you like yourself? Do you value both your strengths and weaknesses equally? Are you quite satisfied? Do you feel entitled to other people's attention and time? Do you judge yourself the same way you judge others – no more, no less? Are you more inclined to encourage yourself than engage in self-criticism?
When working on self-esteem, one should not strive for it to become inflated and fly away into space. This is also not good. When we deliberately make unrealistic demands of ourselves and declare something like “I am the king of the world,” the more often reality tells us that something is wrong with our beliefs about ourselves. High self-esteem is often unstable, so external circumstances can easily unsettle a person. And you need to strive first of all for stability and learn to support yourself.
A person is more likely to conditionally “get” depression or an anxiety disorder if he attributes all failures to himself, and attributes all positive things to chance. Namely, this is usually done by a person with low self-esteem.
Unfounded criticism in your address is easy to track and stop
What to do? Stop criticizing yourself, punish yourself
Psychotherapists distinguish several modes, that is, emotional states, which we enter from time to time. One of the unhealthy is the regime of a critical or punishing parent. In it, we force ourselves to experience feelings of inferiority and guilt, point out that we owe something. At the same time, we criticize for such trifles for which we would never scold others. And we punish in those moments when we really need help.
You can easily see how this mode turns on. He additionally supports low self-esteem or even lowers it even more. For example, when you say to yourself: “Could have done better”, “Why is this not so good?”, “Is that all you did?”, “Others can, and you can”.
You also present the results of your work as some kind of nonsense. Others praise you, but you think: “No, it seemed to them, I just got lucky.”
Learn to turn off your inner critic mode and be more supportive of yourself
The good news is that we can easily detect and stop unreasonable self-criticism and devaluation in ourselves. This skill is quite possible to develop even without the help of a psychotherapist. Although it can take a decent amount of time. Try to observe your critical parent for at least a week. You will most likely notice that he appears even when you shouldn't be scolding yourself.
Try to translate self-criticism into self-compassion. Instead of the desire to punish and condemn yourself, you should switch to the desire to correct the situation and achieve a better result. Instead of looking to the past, look to the future and try to figure out what can be done now. Shift the focus from your mistakes to your strengths and resources, and instead of frustration, anger, and anxiety, try to be supportive of yourself.
Learn to express emotions, both negative and positive
Stand up for your boundaries and rights
Develop assertiveness - the ability to stand up for your boundaries and rights so as not to destroy someone else's personal space. It is believed that assertive behavior quite clearly correlates with adequate self-esteem. What does it include? Open and sincere expression of positive emotions, as well as open (but adequate) expression of negative ones. We need to learn how to properly express our negative emotions - this is very important. Assertiveness also includes the ability to self-defense and the ability to say “no”. Quite often, when we feel anxious and helpless inside, we agree to things that are obviously unpleasant for us. And then we begin to blame ourselves: “How could you, you definitely had to refuse, why didn’t you refuse, you could pull yourself together!” Assertiveness also includes initiative, the ability to offer, ask, respect one’s own dignity - now this is beautifully called such a term as “proactivity”.
Often we can't say "no" to a person and end up blaming ourselves for it even more
Practice assertive behavior other than "You're a rag, come on!" , but in the style of "You're worried, but let's try to take a small step now." It is also worth praising yourself for trying, even if it has not yet been successful. For example, you failed to deny, although you tried to do so. Or you said “no” but the other person insisted that you say “yes”. But this is already a reason to tell yourself that you have practically succeeded, although not yet completely.
Take care of your needs
Learn to take care of yourself and your needs (again, without overstepping other people's boundaries). This is probably the most difficult advice, because it requires a fairly good level of awareness. You can learn this slowly - you feel that you want to drink water and drink it. Try to listen to more ambiguous needs and feel your desires.
Imagine praising yourself as your favorite child
Learn self-efficacy
Self-efficacy is the extent to which we are aware of our ability to cope with certain circumstances. If we feel that the world is so inexplicable and cruel that we cannot do anything, then naturally we will evaluate ourselves worse. If we perceive our ability to act, this gives us significant help and support. For me, a good example of self-efficacy is independent travel. At first you are scared, and then you get the feeling that the world around you is quite friendly, that you can easily deal with the transport network and find yourself a place to sleep.
Support yourself and celebrate your achievements
It is important that support and praise in your address does not turn into something like: "I'm so cool." Think about what you can support yourself for today? What good did you do during the day? Imagine that you yourself, as your beloved child, say good words.
At the same time, praise can be not only for certain successful actions. For example, I survived a difficult situation, I coped with it - this is also a reason for praise. It will be good if it becomes your tradition to notice your achievements.
Build goals in accordance with personal values
To reinforce an adequate and stable self-esteem, you need to learn to look for your values. Note that values are not goals. For example, buying a car is a goal. And what could be the value here? Freedom of movement, travel. The goal can be achieved and after that it will not be. And the value is unattainable, this is a certain stage of the path. It is very important to understand what your values are and, if possible, build your life in this direction. But do not turn it into a radical search for "one's destiny." This is a dangerous and wrong situation.
Some of our values may conflict with each other. For example, it is important for you to travel and develop, while you dream of children.
Then at some point you will have to learn how to travel with children, and not in splendid isolation. In addition, values may change throughout life. Do not be afraid of this - the main thing is to be flexible. Also try to get together with the people closest to you and describe your values and goals. You can turn it into a tradition.
Do not set yourself global, hard-to-reach goals and don't focus on the funds you don't have. It is better to gradually complicate the tasks than to immediately set the bar too high. And cheer yourself on the way to their implementation.
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Author:
Katerina Reznikova,
Low self-esteem: where does it come from and what to do with it?
People with low self-esteem have a hard time - including at work. It is difficult to believe in yourself, to say “no”, to take praise personally.
What is the joy of work?
We believe that productivity is higher for those who are comfortable at work. Low self-esteem is one of the causes of discomfort, and it needs to be worked on. That is why we wrote this text. It contains not only practical advice on what to do with low self-esteem, but also theory - you cannot do without it in this topic.
How do you know that you adequately evaluate yourself? Where does low self-esteem come from? What to do if your subordinates underestimate themselves? A psychologist helped Clover figure this out Nelli Yakimova .
— When I hear that someone's self-esteem is too low or too high, I wonder: is there a way to measure self-esteem, or is it all subjective? Let’s say I don’t understand whether my self-esteem is adequate or not, what should I do?
- Don't look for an external scale to check against, but listen to yourself. The main sign of adequate self-esteem is acceptance of yourself in the moment without trying to change.
Other signs are the ability to trust and rely on your feelings, creativity, independence, willingness to admit your mistakes and correct them, generosity, flexibility, the ability to dialogue and cooperate.
— And inadequate?
- Constant doubts, unrealistic, often naive ideas about oneself, others and the world as a whole, fear of change, the desire to control everything, hostility, defensive behavior, or, conversely, the desire to adapt to others, to be convenient for them.
- I read that self-esteem is not something stable: it changes under the influence of external factors. Today a person may think that he is capable of anything, but tomorrow a failure occurs, and he does not believe in himself. Then time passes, and confidence reappears. It turns out that there is no stably low or stably high self-esteem?
— “Self-esteem of a healthy person” is generally stable: he knows that he is worthy of love and respect, that he is good and valuable in himself, regardless of his achievements and successes.
He is confident that he has the right to say “no” and do as he sees fit. This does not mean that such a person is bulletproof. His self-esteem can fluctuate under the influence of internal crises and external events - for example, a divorce or layoffs from work. But healthy self-esteem is restored when the crisis is over, either on your own or with the help of a specialist. By the way, good self-support skills and the ability to accept help are also markers of adequate self-esteem.
The self-esteem of a person with narcissistic traits is subject to noticeable fluctuations. Such a person is highly dependent on external evaluation, reacts extremely painfully to criticism. His sense of self is highly polarized: either I am a star and the king of the world, or a nonentity and the last loser. It is very difficult for him to restore self-respect after major failures, because it is shameful to ask for help (“he failed”). Self-support comes down to devaluing what you want (“I didn’t really want to”) or other people (“I am surrounded by idiots”).
— How does low self-esteem manifest outwardly? Let's say I'm a leader. How can I understand that my subordinate underestimates himself?
- A person with low self-esteem constantly compares himself with others - and not in his favor. He makes decisions with difficulty, reacts extremely painfully to criticism, expects approval and praise from others, but can hardly rely on positive feedback. He spends a lot of energy trying to please others and please them. It is difficult for him to refuse, so he often does what he does not like and does not suit.
If we talk about external appearances, then a person with low self-esteem will not choose a job that interests him, will not apply for good positions. Rather, he prefers the one with which, in his opinion, he can handle.
In severe cases, low self-esteem can lead to depression, nervous breakdowns and addictions.
— Where does low self-esteem come from?
— The foundation of our self-esteem is laid in early childhood.
The strength of this foundation depends on how the parents perceived the person, with what eyes they looked at him. If from birth the baby was a source of joy for them, they sincerely admired him, praised and recognized his achievements, the child will feel significant and unconditionally loved.
If parental love was conditional, if mom or dad constantly criticized the child (“you are bad, sloppy, stupid”, etc.) and compared him with others, he will grow up feeling that he is not good enough. In adulthood, he will try to hide his "worthlessness" and do everything to achieve the approval of others.
If the foundation was initially fragile - with gaping holes in the place where there should be self-confidence and a sense of self-worth, it will be very difficult to build something stable on it.
Of course, not only parents are involved in the formation of self-esteem. Throughout life, we receive a lot of feedback about who we are, what are our strengths and weaknesses.
If the authors of these statements are authoritative for us, their opinion will form the next brick on the basis of our knowledge of ourselves. Later, our achievements and successes are laid on this foundation.
The upper part of this "building" is the ability of a person to accept himself, not to reject the uncomfortable or unloved sides of his personality.
— What else affects self-esteem? Is it possible to change it when you have already matured?
— Self-esteem is subjected to severe trials during periods of crises — life or age. At this time, our idea of ourselves and the world is changing, it is, as it were, being calibrated. A good example is adolescence. During periods of major life changes, our self-confidence can also be shaken. Self-esteem can be influenced by the microenvironment. For example, an intellectually gifted child from the provinces feels like a star at school, but then enters a university in the capital, where there are a whole sky of such stars, and he has to reconsider his opinion about himself.
- I just want to ask about the competition - in schools and universities in IT specialties it is quite high. Because of this, some often compare themselves to others and want to constantly prove that they are the smartest. They argue about and without, they perceive everyone as rivals. Why is this happening?
— An aggravated attitude to competition, the desire to win at any cost also comes from childhood. Most likely, such a child received the message “be the first” from the parents. They could say, “A four is not a mark. You can do better. Be first or don't be at all." Perhaps in childhood, such a child had to fight with brothers or sisters for the attention of parents or compete with one of the older relatives. Sometimes adults forget about the abyss separating them from children and start competing with kids in earnest. Of course, a child always loses in such a competition, and this can be very painful for him.
Categoricalness in disputes, unwillingness to listen to the arguments of others is a sign of a child's black and white picture of the world, where there is no place for shades and halftones, but only good and bad, right and wrong.
In order to form a request for change, a person needs to realize that something is wrong with him. Such fierce debaters need to go quite a long way for this. It is others who may suffer from their rudeness and categoricalness - they themselves do not see this as a problem.
By the way, irritation, disgust, envy towards others are often markers that a person does not accept himself and rejects something in himself. If you tend to judge others, it is not enough just to stop this process. It is necessary to understand why it is so arranged for you and what exactly, again, you are projecting onto others. When you manage to accept this rejected part of yourself, your tolerance will increase by itself.
- People with low self-esteem are constantly worried that they are underperforming, that everyone thinks badly of them. They can go to work with a temperature or sit on sick leave, but work from home. How should a manager deal with such employees? To be productive, but not burned out due to excessive load.
- The manager needs to give such employees positive feedback - about what they are good at, what they are especially good at. Criticism is best kept to a minimum: a person with low self-esteem is a severe critic of himself. It is better to give comments in the form of “what would I have done differently”, not forgetting to add what seems effective in the work of the subordinate.
Sometimes in a relationship with such an employee, the manager has to take on parental functions. Say, if a subordinate went to work with a temperature, it makes sense to send him home by order. A person with low self-esteem cannot resolve this on his own. Sometimes it is important that this permission is issued by an external authority figure. But you need to keep in mind that the leader, in general, is not obliged to do this. And it’s good if such an employee takes responsibility for his condition and seeks professional help.
— Does it seem to a person who is going to see a psychologist, , that his problems are not worth the attention of a therapist?
— If a person does not feel valuable and significant, he, of course, will feel that way in the psychotherapist's office.
Still: so much attention, and all to him. This can cause feelings of anxiety, shame, guilt.
— What to do in such a situation?
— The best thing to do is to tell a specialist about your experiences. He knows how to deal with this information.
- Is it possible to work on self-esteem without outside help?
— If you realize that you have low self-esteem, and you are not satisfied with this, it is best to contact a psychotherapist. Cultivating a sense of self-worth is a long and painstaking task. Alone, without the participation of another person who is friendly towards you, this is difficult to do.
But some things can be done without outside help.
Get to know the real you . Ask yourself questions. Notice your feelings, thoughts, desires, bodily sensations without trying to criticize, evaluate yourself or somehow change your behavior. Just watch your inner life flow.
