Why does he want to control me

19 Signs of Controlling Men

He was charming, attractive, intelligent, funny, and kind. He knew just the right words to say to make you feel special.

He was the perfect guy for you — until he wasn’t.

Until he became one of those controlling men.

It didn’t happen right away.

At first, you thought he was being overly attentive and helpful. He just wanted the best for you.

He’s a strong, decisive man who knows what he wants and says what he means.

But as time went by, the suggestions and friendly tips morphed into criticisms and demands.

The charm turned into manipulation, and his kindness hinged on your toeing the line.

It turns out your perfect guy is a control freak who demands that everything is his way or the highway.

You’ve witnessed the early signs of a controlling man.

He has an array of psychological tools at his disposal to ensure you do what he wants or suffer the consequences.

The consequences range from ultimatums, manipulation, and threats to shaming, blaming, and shutting you down.

What’s in this post:

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What Is Too Controlling in a Relationship?

We all have our particular needs and desires in a relationship.

We have our own ways of doing things that we develop long before we met our partners.

And we have opinions, beliefs, and assumptions formed over years of life experience.

When we become part of a couple, it’s natural to want our partners to view the world in the same way.

In fact, sometimes, we subtly or overtly attempt to coerce our partners that our way is the best way.

So if this is natural, when does it become a problem? How do we know when our partner’s attempts to coerce become efforts to control?

Here are some questions to ask yourself to help you sort it out:

Do you feel your guy will punish you in some way if you don’t do what he says?

Do you feel your partner ignores or dismisses your opinions or feelings?

Have you changed many of your opinions or beliefs to match his?

Does it seem you’ve lost a lot of your autonomy?

Do you hold back saying what you think for fear of making him angry?

Do you analyze everything you do (in a way you didn’t before) because you’re unsure of yourself and what’s appropriate in a relationship?

Does your guy treat you more like a child or a subordinate than a true partner?

Have you lost your identity and sense of self?

If you answered “yes” to any of these questions, there is too much control from your man.

Controlling Men Characteristics

Controlling men aren’t always the beefed-up tough guys you see in the movies who yell and scream to get their way.

They can be the soft-spoken boy next door or the well-educated, amiable extrovert. They can come from just about any background and socioeconomic status.

What they have in common is the need for control and the compulsion to exert that control in their intimate relationships.

They have learned how to fool the smartest, most capable woman, only to reveal their true natures once the woman is hooked or she has married him.

The change can come on slowly, like a low-grade fever that turns into a full-blown virus, or it can happen with such sudden intensity that you wonder if his body was invaded by an alien overnight.

The most difficult part, in the beginning, is the confusion and shock. He was so nice. He was so loving. What happened? Did I do something to bring this on?

The short answer is no, you did nothing wrong — except maybe fail to see the early warning signs of a controlling relationship and learn how to deal with a controlling man or controlling spouse.

You may be confused about whether or not you’re involved with an overbearing man who wants to control you. Perhaps you’ve wondered if his behavior is a normal part of relationship dynamics.

We all exhibit controlling behavior from time to time, but it’s important to know the signs of a controlling husband or boyfriend that suggest the behavior is more than just occasional.

1. They demand what they want.

If they want to do something and you don’t — too bad for you. If you want to do something and they don’t — too bad for you.

Their desires, needs, and decisions trump yours (unless they simply don’t care), and if you try to argue or press your case, you’ll get an ear full.

They will bully you, pout, try to make you feel guilty, or refuse to acknowledge your request. They will make your life so miserable that you simply give in.

Over time, you learn to just go along, which, unfortunately, trains the controlling man to tighten the reins.

2.

They criticize you constantly.

They don’t like what you’re wearing or how you speak. They make “jokes” at your expense. They always find the error or flaw in your successes.

You rarely feel good enough around this person because they always have something to correct, something you could be doing better.

Often a controlling man will try to deflect their critical comments to make you feel overly sensitive or whiny. “Why do you have to make such a big deal about it? I’m only trying to help you.”

Over time, you feel unloved and always lacking.

3. They try to isolate you from others.

By using subtle negative comments or overt criticisms, these men attempt to put a wedge between you and the people you care about and who love and support you.

This bully wants you to rely only on him and him alone so you become dependent on his decisions and demands. Without a support network of friends and family, you only have this man to turn to, and he wants to make sure you pay full attention to his needs.

4. They attach conditions to love and affection.

A controlling man uses love as a tool for manipulation. He knows you crave love and affection, so he doles it out based on what he wants from you.

He won’t say “I love you” unless you give in to his demand for a new car. He withholds sex because you spent the day with your sister. He gives you the cold shoulder and the steely-eyed glare because dinner was served too late.

He uses these methods to train you like a puppy. When you obey, you get a treat. When you disobey, you get nothing — or worse.

5. They are master guilt-trippers.

Guilt-tripping is a favorite tool of controlling men. They find your emotional Achilles heel and play you like a fiddle once they do.

Caring, sensitive people don’t want to feel like they’ve caused someone pain or anger, especially someone they love. They want to get back into their loved one’s good graces. This is fine if the guilt is merited, but with a controlling man, it rarely is.

They will find a way to make you feel bad about something you didn’t do or have no responsibility for, and you’ll do just about anything to escape that guilty feeling.

Controlling men have a masterful way of making you believe you are responsible and that only you can make things right by doing his bidding.

6. They constantly snoop and check up on you.

They want to know where you are going, when you’ll return, who you are texting, what you are saying, and every plan you are making.

They look through your purse, snoop through your email, sneak peeks at your phone, and rifle through your stuff. They feel they have the right to know everything about you and believe you have no right to privacy.

They are looking for ways you might be exerting control over your own life. If they find something that potentially undermines their control, you’ll hear about it.

7. They are possessive and jealous.

Part of their snooping and isolation efforts come from feelings of intense jealousy. At first, their jealousy is appealing because it shows how much they must love you, but over time it turns dark and twisty.

They are constantly suspicious of your motives and actions and view the most innocent interactions as flirting.

They want to control any interactions you have with others because they are paranoid about your straying away.

8. They don’t care about your point of view.

If you express an opinion or belief, they will shut you down or ignore you. Nothing you say is relevant unless you echo your controlling partner’s exact opinions or thoughts.

He will dominate a conversation, interrupt you, or make snide comments about what you have said. If you try to point this out to him, he’ll dismiss your concerns or turn the tables to make you feel guilty or wrong.

9. They have little respect for any of your needs.

If you want to be alone, he’ll barge in and demand your attention. If you want to talk, he’ll turn on the TV and ignore you. If you’re tired, he’ll complain he’s hungry and needs dinner right now. If you need a hug, he’ll tell you to get a grip.

The idea that you have individual needs beyond responding to his needs rarely occurs to him. If it does, he uses your needs as a tool for manipulating you.

10. They gaslight you.

Gaslighting means he attempts to make you believe something you know is not true or not right or twists things to confuse you into questioning yourself.

You may complain about his put-downs or hurtful behaviors, and he completely denies them or suggests you’re the one who’s been hurtful. Or he may suggest you’re crazy and imagining things that aren’t real.

If he can make you lose your emotional and psychological footing, he gains more control over you. You begin to question your own judgment, sense of right and wrong, and reality.

11. They wear you down to a nub.

Controlling men can be relentless in their tactics. They will argue until your eyes roll back in your head. They’ll steamroll you with their demands ad nauseam. They can turn the screws of guilt so tight you’ll beg for relief.

Most controlling men have much more stamina for their shenanigans than you have the energy to put up with them. Eventually, you go belly up and allow them to have their way 24/7. This is the perfect scenario for the controller. All me, all the time.

12. They view abuse as love.

Because controlling men have a sense of entitlement, they see their abusive behaviors as appropriate and even loving. Since they know best, they are doing you a favor by making all of the decisions about you and your lives together.

Your controlling guy may say things like, “You don’t need to see your family because I love you more than all of them,” or “You better not leave me because I love you so much I might die.”

13. They are manipulative.

All of the controlling behaviors listed here are manipulative, but often men who control women take manipulation to an extreme level.

When a woman tries to confront a controlling abuser, he will use tactics like diverting the conversation from your pain to his. “I act this way because my father abused me when I was a kid.” “You wouldn’t complain so much if you had an ounce of understanding for how much I do for you.”

They are masters at turning your concerns into their pain and suffering.

14. They won’t admit fault.

One of the reasons for this manipulation and deflecting is to protect themselves from blame. Men with control issues don’t want to accept fault or responsibility for their hurtful behaviors.

They refuse to look at themselves and see that they are the source of the difficulties between you. In fact, they turn the tables and make you the reason for their hurtful actions and words. “She makes it impossible not to get angry!”

Taking responsibility, in their minds, means losing control and admitting they aren’t entitled to special rules related to their behavior.

15.

They look like great guys to others.

A controlling man may behave one way when he’s with his partner, but he’s Prince Charming in front of his friends and family. His control of you extends to how others perceive him and the two of you as a couple.

In group settings, he’ll exhibit the charisma and magnetism that first drew you to him. But once you’re alone together, that shine wears off and it’s back to his bullying and demanding alter ego.

Seeing his good qualities exhibited in front of others confuses you and makes you wonder if it’s you who has the problem. You may think you should hang in there because he does have this positive side to him. Except when he’s with you.

16. They think you’re never enough.

At first, it was subtle suggestions, like, “Let’s exercise together and lose ten pounds.” Now it’s outright ugly — “You’re getting fat, and you need to do something about it if things are going to work between us.”

Even the smallest things are subject to his unkind assessments and displeasure. He doesn’t like the way you load the dishwasher. He lets you know when he hates your outfit. He makes snide remarks about small mistakes.

It’s hard to feel loved and validated when you are on the receiving end of daily put-downs and negativity.

17. They keep score.

But mostly he keeps score on what he’s done, the efforts he’s made, the sacrifices he’s had to endure. Your scorecard is always behind his, because, in his mind, what you contribute to the relationship counts less.

In his self-focused efforts to feel superior, he can only see what it’s costing him to be in the relationship. And it’s pissing him off. You could do backflips around the house 24/7, and it still wouldn’t be enough.

18. They make sex weird or unsettling.

Physical intimacy with your controlling man can be all sorts of weird. Your particular guy could be demanding of sex but indifferent to your sexual and emotional needs.

Or he might be so out of touch with emotional intimacy that sex is perfunctory and just a physical release for him.

Some controlling men use sex as a means of control. If you don’t appease him in some way, he will withhold it or threaten to get it elsewhere. Whatever’s going on with him, it’s playing out in the bedroom, and it doesn’t feel good to you at all.

19. They will undermine your goals and values.

If your guy feels insecure that you are doing well in your career or achieving something in your personal life, he will do what he can to throw cold water on it.

Let’s say you want to start your own business, but he lets you know that you don’t have what it takes. Or you’ve just gotten a promotion at work, but he demands you turn it down so you aren’t spending so much time at work.

He may also attempt to sabotage some of the things you value in life. If you are a vegetarian, he’s constantly mocking you and making meat-centric meals for you. If you love to dress well, he tells you you’re being snooty or showing off.

If any of these controlling behaviors are familiar in your relationship, and you see them happening on a regular basis, well, I’m truly sorry. It’s hard to have your hopes and dreams dashed by the insidious poison of a controlling boyfriend or spouse.

Early warning signs of a controlling man can be challenging to spot, especially in the honeymoon stages of a relationship.

However, it is essential to pay attention to red flags that may indicate you are with an overly controlling person. If your partner displays any of these nine behaviors early on, you should take note and assess the situation carefully.

1. Love Bombing

It starts with him giving you lots of compliments, buying you gifts, and showing extra attention. This makes it seem like he really loves you and cares about you, but in reality, it is just a tactic used by narcissists to control and manipulate you.

Once they have gained your trust and affection, they start to demand more of your attention and time. They may criticize or put you down if you don’t do what they want.

They guilt trip you to ensure you comply with their requests or threaten to leave you if you don’t follow their instructions.

2. Testing Boundaries

Controlling people who don’t respect boundaries will try to test yours early on. He may try to push you to change things to make him happy. F

or example, he mentions how much he loves an outfit you previously wore and wants you to change into it. He may suggest how sexy and beautiful you are to get you in bed before you want to.

Pushing boundaries can start with something as small as someone insisting on using an emoji or a nickname you don’t like. If you try and stand up for yourself, they may act hurt or offended.

Over time, this can make you feel like it’s easier to just agree with them than to stand up for yourself.

3. Not Taking No for an Answer

Controlling men have difficulty accepting rejection and often try to manipulate the situation so that you don’t say no. They may try to guilt-trip you or beg you to do something you don’t want to do.

They may also resort to subtle manipulation tactics by making comments such as, “It’s just a small thing; why are you making such a big deal out of it?” or “What will people think if you don’t do this?”

4.

Making Comparisons

He tries to change how you behave or look by comparing you to others, so you get the not-so-subtle hint about what he expects from you.

He might say, “My ex-girlfriend dressed like a tramp, and that’s why we broke up,” or “Your friend is nice, but I hate how she talks about her accomplishments.”

Of course, he would never admit this if you tried to call him out. He’d say, “Oh, you would never do that – I’m not worried about you at all.”

This backhanded compliment is a classic control method to ensure you fall in line. He’s planting seeds for your compliance.

5. Constantly Calling and Texting

If your new boyfriend constantly calls and texts multiple times a day, he’s checking in to keep you engaged and checking up to ensure you aren’t “misbehaving.”

He might expect you to answer all his calls and texts immediately or act “worried” if you don’t respond immediately. In some cases, he may even accuse you of not caring enough about him or not putting in enough effort.

6. Making Decisions for You

Your partner should always respect your autonomy and give you the freedom to make your own decisions.

If they make decisions without consulting you, at the very least, it’s rude. But they are likely trying to control you.

This behavior can often start subtly, with them making suggestions or offering input on even minor decisions.

Over time, it becomes more overt as they outright tell you what to do. It’s critical to notice this early on and address it before the behavior escalates.

7. Pushing the Relationship Too Quickly

All the attention and compliments are flattering, but this guy seems ready for the alter before you even know his last name.

He asks you to stop dating other people, get off any dating sites, go on a romantic trip together, and meet his parents before you’re prepared to do any of these.

The sooner he can get you to commit to him, the sooner he can quash you under his thumb and control everything about you and the relationship.

8. Condescending

It is normal for couples to have different opinions, but an overly controlling man can’t handle it if your point of view doesn’t mirror his. It’s too early for him to become aggressive or say hurtful things, though he will certainly do this later on.

For now, he will be subtly condescending, pointing out the flaws in your viewpoint and highlighting his superior knowledge.

Or he’ll say something patronizing like, “Oh, you’re so cute. I love how you get so serious when we talk about this.”

9. He Needs to be Involved in Every Decision You Make

As a couple, it is essential to consult each other when making major decisions, but if your partner demands to be involved in every little thing you do, it is a red flag. He doesn’t need to be up in your business this early in the game.

It can include something as small as wanting to know your whereabouts at all times or questioning you about who you talk to and what you are doing.

This type of behavior is unhealthy and is often a sign that they are trying to control you.

Why Are Men Controlling?

What’s going on inside the head of that man of yours and why does he treat you this way?

Some of the common reasons men control include:

Traumatic past experiences
Insecurity and low self-esteem
Being controlled themselves currently or in the past
Anxiety about feeling “out of control”
A need to feel superior or better than someone else

You can sympathize with many of these reasons, but you can’t excuse them. Past trauma and insecurity don’t give a man the right to exert pressure and manipulation on you. It’s his responsibility to heal himself so he’s ready for a real relationship.

Research underscores that these men often deal with mental health issues such as anxiety and depression, suggesting on some level they recognize their behavior is harmful to the relationship.

Controlling men often have faulty thinking about their place in a relationship. They see themselves as entitled and feel they are owed something from their partners.

These men have low levels of compassion and don’t view their partner’s needs and feelings as important as their own. They may have narcissistic tendencies, or they may be otherwise psychologically normal.

But their skewed thinking around entitlement makes them believe they know best even when their behaviors are hurtful and unkind.

It’s hard to know the exact reason some men need to control the woman in their lives. Unless your guy opens up to you and reveals his vulnerable inner world, you may have to read the tea leaves to figure it out. Unfortunately, most controlling men aren’t good at opening up and risking appearing weak.

Can Controlling Men Change?

The next two questions that often come up when women realize they are involved with a controlling man are these:

#1: What do I do about it?

#2: Can he change?

In answer to #1, if you are not married to this person or otherwise committed (financially, with children, etc. ), then the answer is leave now. Get away from this person as fast as you can.

Yes, you may still love him and think he has tons of potential if only he didn’t show his “bad side.” But that leads us to question #2, and the answer is not likely.

A controlling man must be highly motivated to change his behavior, and he must be highly motivated to maintain new healthy behaviors once he acknowledges his controlling personality.

Why would a controlling man change when he has all of the perks of being controlling?

He has the feeling of power that comes with control.
He gets his way on just about everything.
He has “trained” you and your kids to do his bidding.
He’s the center of attention.
He controls the finances.
He looks great to friends and family who don’t know about his Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde behaviors.

It isn’t impossible for a controlling man to turn things around and learn mature, loving relationship skills, but it doesn’t happen often, and it requires some serious self-awareness and counseling.

If you are just dating this guy, why waste time waiting around to figure it out when you can cut bait and find someone who isn’t controlling?

If you are married or living with a controlling person, it is much harder to end the marriage, especially if children are involved.

Aside from the practical reasons for staying in the relationship, there are many conflicting emotional considerations, such as fear, low self-esteem, and an unhealthy attachment issues.

Whether you decide to stay with your controlling partner or leave the relationship, there are actions you can take to feel more empowered and lessen the grips of control from this bully.

How Do You Deal with a Controlling Man?

Here are some ideas if you now think, “My boyfriend is controlling.”

Rebuild your support group of friends and family. Let a few trusted people know what’s going on with your partner, and tell them you need their support and listening ear.

If you can’t find someone, hire a counselor. You’ll probably need one anyway to help you navigate your feelings and decisions going forward.

State your case calmly with your partner. Unless you fear for your physical safety, sit down with your partner and let him know how negatively his behaviors are impacting you.

Give some examples of what you are talking about, how the behaviors are damaging your relationship, and how they make you feel.

He will surely argue or defend himself, but at least you have put him on notice that you’re on to his shenanigans. Be sure you keep your cool even if he starts to get angry.

Suggest couples’ counseling. During your conversation with your partner, ask if he’d be willing to go to a couple’s counselor to work on your marriage.

A good counselor will quickly figure out what the problem is. Unfortunately, many controlling men refuse counseling because they fear having their behavior exposed. But it’s really the way to stop a controlling man and redirect his attitudes.

Try not to point the finger of blame directly at him, even if his control problems are the primary reason you want to go.

Reward positive behaviors. If you see any positive changes in your partner, be quick to acknowledge and praise them. You want to reinforce loving, mature words and actions. The best thing you can hear is your spouse sincerely asking, “Am I controlling?”

Remember, a few positive behaviors don’t mean the control is over. It is a step in the right direction, but you need to see a pattern of consistent effort and positive change.

Set some new boundaries for yourself. For as long as you remain in the relationship, protect yourself from further emotional abuse by this controlling man. You may not be able to stop his controlling behaviors or words, but you can stop how you react to them.

Call him out when it occurs, and say something like, “This is a perfect example of the controlling behavior I’ve been talking about. Your guilt trips will not work with me any longer.”

Follow through consistently. If you tell your partner your plans or make a decision about something, and he is unhappy or tries to control you — don’t give in as you’ve done in the past.

Try to ignore or sidestep his nonsense. If you give in, he’ll see that you don’t mean business, and he’ll escalate his behaviors.

More Related Articles:

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22 Signs of an Unhealthy Relationship

16 Signs Of Emotionally Unavailable Men That Will Break Your Heart

If you decide to leave, make a plan. You may ultimately decide the relationship isn’t fixable, and your partner will never change. For him, the ultimate lack of control is watching you walk out the door. Make a plan in advance of ending the relationship with the steps you must take to leave.

Consult an attorney, have a support team of friends available, work with a counselor on your exit strategy, think through your finances and living arrangements, and make sure you have a plan for your kids if you have them.

Stand up for yourself with controlling guys.

Whatever you do, don’t allow his controlling behavior to continue unchecked. The longer it goes on, the more your mental and emotional health suffers.

As your confidence and self-esteem ebbs away, it becomes harder to stand up for yourself and reclaim your power in the relationship.

You deserve a love partner who recognizes your value and equality in your marriage or relationship. You have a right to your own choices, actions, opinions, and beliefs.

Don’t be fooled by a domineering man who wants to keep you under his thumb. Recognize the behavior for what it is and empower yourself.

7 Early Signs Of A Controlling Boyfriend Who Thinks He Owns You

Have you ever had a friend who suddenly disappears off the social scene, changes her appearance, or gives up her goals and unique personality traits at the beginning of a relationship? Most likely, she's been caught in the snare of an emotionally abusive and controlling relationship.

Dating someone with controlling behavior can begin with seemingly insignificant details, which make you feel only minor irritation.

RELATED: 15 Undeniable (But Often-Overlooked) Warning Signs You're In An Abusive Relationship

When left to run wild, however, you'll find that these irritating, "insignificant" details are actually the early warning signs of emotional abuse, all for the benefit of feeding a guy’s need for domination.

Here are 7 early warning signs of a controlling boyfriend who thinks he owns you.

1. He comes on strong.

Controlling guys will often immediately come on strong, which can be very flattering initially, but is a common sign of their need for control.

Feelings, especially for men, develop over time, yet a controlling man will often make you feel as if he’s falling for you straight away and lovebomb you by saying all the right things and investing a huge amount of attention into every detail about you.

In a short amount of time, you feel like you’re the center of his universe, and usually, that’s your red flag. Controlling men know what to say to lure you in and, before you know it, you’re caught in their net ("caught" being the operative word).

2. Your time is his time.

Controlling guys quickly, and with great skill, try to make you feel as if anything you do, other than things that include them, is a disruption to the life you have together.

Unfortunately, these "disruptions" are often your family, friends, hobbies, or anything else that equates to your life as an individual. When a controlling man feels threatened, he may try to make you feel bad about your choices or passive-aggressively make you feel guilty about doing something that doesn’t include him.

It’s flattering when someone feels and expresses slight disappointment when you tell them you’ve made previous plans; it’s quite the opposite when they hit you with the cold shoulder because of it, try to talk you out of your plans, or create a sob story as to why you should be with them instead.

3. He lacks his own social life.

Having a fantastic social life is rarely something a controlling person can do successfully. If he never mentions his mates, recent social gatherings, group activities, or anything to do with others, it’s one of the major signs of a controlling boyfriend.

This is because control issues stem from feelings of being threatened and "out of control." Having a good group of friends with spontaneous social activities means putting yourself out there and trusting in people.

Controlling men are rarely secure enough to do this, so they’d rather just have you, and only you, because (they think) a singular relationship is easier to control than a bunch of "messy" friendships with people who’ll behave however they want.

RELATED: How Witnessing Domestic Violence Taught Me How Truly Common It Is

4. He keeps constant tabs on you.

Controlling guys can seem oh-so-caring to begin with. They’re always feigning concern about you, wanting to know that you’re safe and made it to where you said you’d be. The attention is enamoring.

But it doesn’t take long before this behavior crosses a threshold where it moves into unhealthy.

Soon, his "caring" texts become insistent calls. You start to anticipate them and having to explain yourself, so you decide, rather than deal with the drama of staying out a bit longer, you’ll just make sure you’re home on time.

Little by little, your confidence and your feelings of freedom and choice in your own life diminish. You start to live by his schedule rather than your own, and not risk the drama of an innocent night out with the girls or meeting up with that old guy friend of yours.

If you don’t pull the plug at this point, things spiral out of control. You’ll be left completely dependent on him, your wings clipped, any confidence you had in yourself eroded away. All taken from you by a controlling guy so he never has to face his own deep-seated insecurities.

5. He’s charmingly insistent.

It can be flattering if a guy puts in the effort to suggest something off the menu for you or buys you something to wear. However, if you say no to his suggestion and he becomes insistent, especially with the attitude he knows what’s best for you, he’s a controlling guy.

This controlling guy will often "charmingly" give you a backhanded compliment about the outfit you’re wearing as you leave for a night out with the girls, something along the lines of, “You look hot, but don’t you think that skirt’s too short?”

Although you may have been wearing a short skirt when you met him (and he loved it), faced with the threat of other men loving it, he now feels entitled to influence the way you dress. This isn’t just a red flag, it’s a sign to run for the hills.

RELATED: This Is The Side Of Emotional Abuse You Don't See

6. He behaves like a director.

If a man gives you the feeling he wants to "direct" you rather than connect with you, he has control issues.

It’s one thing to be with a man who’s decisive and knows what he wants, but a controlling man will take this a step further by constantly "suggesting" you go certain places, eat certain things, wear certain clothes and see or not see certain people, regardless of your opinion.

If you have to explain, defend, or expand on your ideas and decisions constantly to get him to understand your way of thinking, you’re under the influence of a controlling relationship.

A man who wants to connect with you will be curious, open-minded, and possibly enthralled by your uniqueness, enhancing mutual understanding, rather than pushing his own agenda.

7. Other men are off limits.

Quickly, a controlling man will take a stand on the other men in your life.

If you’re friends with your ex, a controlling man will see this as a threat, rather than a sign of an emotionally mature person. If you regularly hang out with male friends, a controlling man will show his insecurity by questioning you, checking up on you when you’re not with him, and possibly even (gasp) going through your phone.

Considering we only have the choice of male or female people to hang out with, chances are we will all have friends of the opposite sex. This is healthy and necessary for balance in our lives.

5 signs that a man is quietly controlling you

When we meet a man who behaves like a knight, it is fascinating. We feel beautiful, desirable, worthy of care and love. But at some point, we begin to notice cracks in his sparkling armor and ask ourselves: does he want to protect me or is he trying to control everything?

If you are reading this article, you have probably already asked yourself this question. Don't beat yourself up: you're not the first of the billions or so women trapped in the "care is control" mindset. Here are the signs that will tell you that you really need to get out of it.

1. He directly says that he should be at the helm

At first, this can make a good impression: he is a real man, strong and self-confident. But the phrase “It will be in my opinion or not at all!” says that if you ever stumble, you will be punished. Even if this punishment is silent ignoring, for you it will become a real torment. Especially considering that you most likely won’t even understand what exactly you did wrong.

2. Acts like he knows absolutely everything

The controlling man is omniscient, and you must admit it. It doesn’t matter what you yourself think about this or that topic, be it politics, art, relationships or parenting. He will categorically insist on his own rightness, making you feel guilty for the fact that your opinion is different.

Do not argue or try to explain that there may be a different point of view. Otherwise, he will be furious not only because you have a different opinion, but also because you dared to express it. Rabies can manifest itself in ridicule and sexist jokes. It is important for him that you learn: he understands everything better than you and everyone around you.

3. He decides how, where and when you have sex

An enterprising man is wonderful. But even the most proactive partner should take into account your desire and mood.

He can convince you as much as he likes that a “real woman” or a “dream woman” should be depraved (or, on the contrary, pretendedly modest), fulfill all his fantasies and whims. But it is important to remember: you should be as depraved or modest as you yourself want it at the moment.

You should be comfortable and feel safe. And you certainly should not do what you do not want, even if your man craves it. Don't be violent towards yourself.

4. You tailor your behavior to his needs

This is a subtle point that is difficult to track. You may feel like you are making small concessions to please your loved one.

For example, he might say that you should wear a T-shirt over a sports top for a run, because otherwise you will look too naked, and you may even think that this is a sign of care. But when it gets too hot for you and you take off your shirt, for him it will be a real betrayal, followed by either a long offended silence or a scandal.

If a man tries to forbid you to wear something, make up the way you are used to, ride a bike alone in the evening - this is only the beginning. Further, everything that you love will be banned.

5. He treated his previous partners in the same way

Hardly anyone wants to ask advice from an ex-girlfriend or wife of his chosen one. But it is important to know what his relationship with previous partners looked like. This shows you what to expect.

If his girlfriend wants to tell you about something, it is most likely that she does it not out of jealousy and harmfulness, but out of female solidarity and a desire to help. Listen to her and don't be surprised if the story of their relationship is similar to your life.

Controlling men are often cunning. They do not act directly and try to disguise control as a desire to save you from a scary and cruel world. And by the time you realize what you've gotten yourself into, it won't be so easy to get out of the swamp.

Be alert: when you notice the first signs of control, walk away to save yourself months or even years of pain and struggle.

19 signs when a man is in control. Advice for women who have been bullied

Many women meet a man who tries to control her, hiding behind a desire to protect her. We will tell you what signs will make it clear where care ends and control begins.

He was charming, attractive, intelligent, cheerful and kind. He knew the right words to say to make you feel special.

He was the perfect partner for you - until he began to control you.

This did not happen immediately. At first you thought that he was too attentive and ready to help. He just wanted the best for you.

He is a strong, resolute person who knows what he wants and says what he thinks.

But over time, suggestions and friendly advice turned into criticism and demands.

Charm turned into manipulation , and his kindness began to depend on how you are obedient .

It turns out that your ideal man is a control freak who demands that everything be done according to his rules. You have witnessed the first signs of a controlling man.

He has many psychological tools at his disposal to ensure that you do what he wants or suffer the consequences.

Consequences range from ultimatums, manipulation and threats to shame, blame and closeness.

What's in this article

Expand

What is excessive control in a relationship?
Characteristics of men who control women
Why does a man control a woman?
19 signs when a man controls a woman
1. He wants what he wants
2. He constantly criticizes you
3. He tries to isolate you from others
4. He conditions love and affection
5. He is a master of guilt
6. He is constantly spying and checking on you
7. He is possessive and jealous
8. He doesn't care about your point of view
9. He does not respect your needs
10. He intimidates you (gaslights)
11. He exhausts you to the limit
12. He perceives abuse as love
13. He manipulates
14. He does not admit his guilt
15. In the eyes of others, he seems like a great guy
16. He thinks you're always not doing enough
17. He keeps score
18. He makes sex weird or disturbing
19. They undermine your goals and values
Can men who control women change?
How to deal with a man who controls a woman?
Stand up for yourself in front of controlling men

What is excessive control in a relationship?

Each of us has our own special needs and desires in relationships, our own ways of doing things that we have developed long before we meet our partners. We have opinions, beliefs, and assumptions shaped by years of life experience.

Becoming part of a couple, it is quite natural to want our partner to look at the world in the same way like us. In fact, sometimes we subtly or overtly try to convince our partner that our path is the best.

If it's natural, when does it become a problem? How to determine when partner 's attempts to coerce become attempts to control?

A few questions a woman should ask herself to know if a man is controlling her:

Do you feel that your man will somehow punish you if you don't do what he says?
Do you feel that your partner is ignoring or rejecting your opinions or feelings?
Have you changed many of your opinions or beliefs to fit his?
Do you feel like you have lost much of your independence?
Do you hold back when you say what you think, for fear of angering him?
Do you analyze all your actions (in a way that you have not analyzed before) because you are not sure of yourself and what is appropriate in a relationship?
Does your man treat you more like a child or a subordinate than a real partner?
Have you lost your identity and self-esteem?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, your man is in too much control.

Characteristics of men who control women

Men who control women are not always those tough guys you see in movies who scream and fight to get their way.

This may be the quiet boy next door or an educated, affable extrovert. They can be representatives of almost any origin and social status.

Men are united by the need for control of women and the compulsion to exercise this control in their intimate relationships .

Controlling men have learned to deceive the smartest and most capable woman only in order to reveal their true nature after the woman was hooked or married to him.

Changes can come slowly, like a low-grade fever turning into a full-fledged virus, or with such sudden intensity that you wonder if an alien creature has entered his body overnight.

The hardest part is at the beginning of because you are confused and shocked . He was so sweet and loving. What's happened? Did I do something that led to this?

Short answer: no You didn't do anything wrong - except you may not have noticed the early signs of a controlling relationship and learned how to deal with a controlling man or spouse.

Why does a man control a woman?

What is going on in your partner's head and why does he treat you like this?

Some of the common reasons men can control women:

Traumatic past experience
Uncertainty and low self-esteem
Self-monitoring at present or in the past
Anxiety about feeling "out of control"
The need to feel superior or better than someone else.

You can sympathize with men who have these reasons, but do not justify them. Past traumas and self-doubt do not give a man the right to pressure and manipulate you. He owes heal yourself to be ready for a healthy relationship.

Research shows that these men are often dealing with mental health issues such as anxiety and depression , suggesting that they are aware on some level that their behavior is hurting the relationship.

Men who control women often have an erroneous idea of their place in relationships. They consider themselves entrusted with rights and believe that their partners owe them something.

These men have low levels of compassion and do not regard their partner's needs and feelings as important as their own.

They may have narcissistic tendencies or they may be psychologically normal in other ways.

But their warped, property-right thinking makes them believe they know best, even if their behavior is hurtful and unkind.

It is difficult to determine the exact reason why some men need to control the woman in their lives. Until your partner opens up to you and reveals their vulnerable inner world, you may have to read the coffee grounds to figure it out. Unfortunately, most men who control women do not know how to open up and are afraid of the risk of appearing weak.

19 Signs When a Man Controls a Woman

You may be confused about whether you are connected with a powerful man who wants to control you. You may have wondered if his behavior is a normal part of the development of a relationship.

We all exhibit controlling behavior from time to time, but it is important to be aware of the signs of a controlling husband or boyfriend that indicate that this behavior is not happening by accident. Recognizing in time that a man controls a woman will help you avoid pain.

He demands what he wants.

If he wants to do something and you don't, that's too bad for you. If you want to do something and he doesn't, that's bad for you too.

His desires, needs and decisions are superior to your (unless he just doesn't care), and if you try to argue or insist on your own, you will get the full.

He will intimidate you, be offended, try to make you feel guilty, or refuse to comply with your requests. It will make your life so miserable that you will simply give up.

Over time, you will learn to simply agree. Unfortunately, this will lead to the fact that the controlling man will tighten the screws (tighten his behavior).
He constantly criticizes you.

He doesn't like what you're wearing or how you talk. He makes jokes about you. He always finds an error or flaw in your progress.

You rarely feel good enough around such a person, because he always has something to fix, something that you could do better.

A man who controls a woman often tries to justify his criticisms to make you feel overly sensitive or whiny. “Why are you making an elephant out of a fly. I'm just trying to help you."

Over time, you will feel unloved and there will be a feeling that you are constantly missing something.
He tries to isolate you from others.

A man, in order to more easily control a woman, will try to isolate her as much as possible from people close to her. Using subtle negative comments or open criticism, these men are trying to drive a wedge between you and the people you care about, who love and support you.

This critic wants you to rely solely on him so that you become dependent on his decisions and demands. Without the support of friends and family, you can only turn to this man, and he wants to make sure that you fully meet his needs.
He conditions love and affection.

Using love as a tool of manipulation, a man controls a woman 100%. He knows that you crave love and affection, so he gives them depending on what he wants from you.

He won't say "I love you" until you agree to his demand for a new car. He refuses sex because you spent the day with your sister. He looks at you coldly with steely eyes because dinner was served too late.

He uses these methods to train you like a puppy . When you obey, you enjoy. When you disobey, you get nothing - or worse.
He is a master at inducing guilt.

A favorite instrument of a man's control over a woman is to induce feelings of guilt. They find your emotional Achilles heel and play you like a violin.

Caring, sensitive people don't want to feel like they've hurt or angered someone, especially someone they love. They want to return the location of a loved one. It's okay if the guilt is justified. But with a man who controls a woman, this rarely happens.

He will find a way to make you feel guilty about something you didn't do or are not responsible for. You will do anything to get rid of this guilt .

Men who control women have a masterful way of making you believe that you are responsible and that only you can make things right by following their orders.

He is constantly spying and testing you.

If a man controls a woman, this characterizes him as a person who is unable to trust.

He wants to know where you are going when you get back, who you write to, what you say, and every plan you make.

He rummages through your purse, looks through your messages in the social. networks, stealthily peeks into your phone and rummages through your things. He believes that they have the right to know everything about you and what you have no right to privacy .

He is looking for ways in which you control your own life. If he finds something that could potentially undermine his control, you will know about it.

He is possessive and jealous.

Jealousy is one of the powerful tools of a man to control a woman.

Part of his attempts to spy on and isolate the woman is due to feelings of intense jealousy. At first, his jealousy is attractive as it shows how much he loves you, but over time it becomes dark and twisty.

He constantly suspects your intentions and actions and considers the most innocent interactions as flirting .

He wants to control all your interactions with other people because he is paranoid about you leaving.

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He doesn't care about your point of view.

If you express your opinion or belief, you will be silenced or ignored. Nothing you say matters unless you are exactly repeating the opinions or thoughts of your controlling partner.

He will dominate the conversation, interrupt you or make snide remarks about what you have said. If you try to point this out to him, he will ignore your concerns or reverse the situation in a way that makes you feel guilty or wrong. Dominance not only in conversation, but also in relationships is one of the forms of a man's control over a woman.

He doesn't respect your needs.

If you want to be alone, he will break in and demand your attention. If you want to talk, he will turn on the TV and ignore you. If you are tired, he will complain that he is hungry and needs dinner right now. If you need to hug him, he will tell you to pull yourself together. These are vivid examples of how a man controls a woman.

The idea that you have personal needs other than satisfying his needs rarely crosses his mind. And if he comes, he uses your needs like tool to manipulate you .

He intimidates you (gaslights).

Gaslighting means that he tries to make you believe something that you know is not true or untrue, or he twists the situation to confuse you and make you doubt yourself.

You can complain about his humiliation or offensive actions, but he completely denies them or believes that you offended him . Or he may assume that you are crazy and imagine something that is not really there.

If a man manages to make a woman lose her emotional and psychological support, he gets the opportunity to control the woman more. You begin to question your own judgment, your understanding of right and wrong, and reality.

He exhausts you to the limit.

Men constantly control women. They can be ruthless in their tactics. They will argue until they lose their voice. They will bombard you with their demands to the point of nausea. They can tighten the screws of guilt so tight that you will beg for relief.

Most men who control women have much more stamina for their machinations than you have the energy to endure them. In the end, you will go crazy and let them control you 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. This is the ideal scenario for a controller. “Only me, always” is the motto of a man who controls a woman.

He perceives abuse as love.

Cruelty has nothing to do with love, but is one of the ways a man can control a woman.

Since controlling men have a sense of their own superiority, they consider their cruel behavior appropriate and even loving . Since they know everything better than anyone, they are doing you a favor by making all the decisions for you and your life together.

"You don't need to see your family because I love you more than all of them" or "You'd better not leave me because I love you so much I could die." These phrases indicate that a man controls a woman.

He manipulates.

All of the controlling behaviors listed here are manipulative. But often the men who control women take the manipulation to the extreme.

When a woman tries to confront a controlling man, he uses tactics such as switching the conversation from her pain to his own. “I act this way because my father bullied me when I was a child. ” "You wouldn't complain so often if you had a little understanding of how much I do for you."

They are masters of turning your problems into their own pain and suffering .

He does not admit his guilt.

One of the reasons for such manipulation and evasion is to protect oneself from accusations. Men with woman control problems do not want to take the blame or responsibility for their hurtful behavior.

They refuse to look at themselves and see that they are the source of disagreement between you. In fact, they turn things around and make you the cause of their hurtful actions and words. “It’s impossible not to be angry because of her!”

In their minds , taking responsibility means losing control and admitting that they are not entitled to special rules related to their behavior.

In the eyes of others, he seems like a great guy.

Duplicity is characteristic of men who control women.

It can behave differently. In front of his family and friends, he is a handsome prince. And before the woman he controls, this man appears in a completely different way.

His control over you extends to the perception of others around him and you as a couple .

In company, he will demonstrate the charisma and magnetism that first attracted you to him. But as soon as you're alone, the shine will fade and he'll turn back into his intimidating and demanding counterpart.

When you see his good qualities displayed in front of others, you become embarrassed and wonder if you are the problem. You may think that you should hang on to him because he really does have that positive side. But not when he is with you.

He thinks you never do enough.

At first, these were subtle hints, like: "Let's work out sports together and lose ten kilograms." Over time, it becomes just disgusting: "You're getting fat, and you need to do something about it if we want everything to be fine between us. "

Even the most insignificant things of are exposed to his unfriendly assessments and discontent. He doesn't like the way you load the dishwasher. It lets you know when you don't like your outfit. He makes snide remarks about small mistakes.

Next to a man who controls a woman, it is difficult to feel loved and maintain self-esteem. Daily subjecting to humiliation and negativity, a man tries to control a woman.

He keeps score.

Basically a man who controls a woman counts his deeds, the efforts he made, the sacrifices he had to endure. Your rating always lags behind his rating because, in his opinion, what you contribute to the relationship matters less.

In his selfish attempts to feel superior, he can only see what the relationship is costing him. And it infuriates him. You can spin like a squirrel in a wheel, doing housework 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, and it still won't be enough. Unfortunately, when a man controls a woman, all her efforts are shattered against the wall of rejection of him.

It makes sex weird or disturbing.

Physical intimacy with a controlling man can be very strange. Your particular man may demand sex but be indifferent to your sexual and emotional needs.

Or he is so out of touch with emotional intimacy that sex is a formality or just a physical release for him.

Some men allow themselves to control a woman through sex. If you don't satisfy him in some way, he refuses to have sex or threatens to get it elsewhere. Whatever happens to him shows up in the bedroom and you don't like it at all.

He undermines your goals and values.

In order for a man to control a woman, he needs to undermine your goals and values.

If your man feels insecure because you are doing well in your career or in your personal life, he will do his best to throw cold water on you.

Let's say you want to start your own business, but he lets you know that you don't have the ability to do so . Or you just got a promotion at work, but it requires you to turn it down so you don't spend so much time at work.

He may also try to ruin some of the things you value in life. If you are a vegetarian, he will constantly taunt you and cook meat dishes for you. If you like to dress well, he will tell you that you are being arrogant or showing off.

If any of these controlling behaviors are familiar to you in your relationships and you see them happening regularly, well, I'm truly sorry. It's hard when your hopes and dreams are destroyed by the insidious poison of a controlling boyfriend or spouse.

Can men who control women change?

The next two questions that often come up when women realize they are connected to a controlling man are:

#1: What do I do about it?

#2: Can he change?

Answering question #1, if you are not married to this person or have any obligations (financial, children, etc. ) with him, then the answer is - leave now. Get away from this person as quickly as you can.

Yes, you may still love him and think he has a lot of potential, if only he didn't show his "bad side". But that brings us to question #2, and the answer is unlikely.

A man who controls a woman must be highly motivated to change his behavior and maintain healthy new patterns of behavior once he acknowledges his controlling personality.

Why would a controlling man change if he has all the benefits of controlling behavior ?

He has a sense of power that comes with control.

He gets his way in almost everything.

He "trained" you and your children to follow his orders.

He is the center of attention.

He controls the finances.

In the eyes of friends and family, he looks great, because they do not know about his behavior.

It is possible that a controlling man can change the situation and learn the skills of a mature, loving relationship, but this does not happen often and requires serious introspection and counseling psychologist .

If you are just dating this man, why waste time waiting to understand. Can you always end the relationship and find someone who is not in control?

If you are married or live with a controlling man, divorce is much more difficult, especially when it comes to children.

In addition to the practical reasons for staying in a relationship, there are many conflicting emotional considerations, such as fear, low self-esteem and unhealthy attachment problems .

Whether you decide to stay with your controlling partner or end the relationship, there are things you can do to feel stronger and loosen that abuser's grip.

How to deal with a man who controls a woman?

A few ideas if you are now thinking, "My man controls me."

Restore support group from friends and family. Tell a few people close to you what's going on with your partner and tell them that you need their support and attention.

If you can't find someone, see a psychologist. You may still need it to help you navigate your feelings and decisions for the future.

Calmly explain your position to your partner. If you are not afraid for your physical safety, sit down with your partner and let him know how negatively his behavior affects you.

Give some examples of what you are talking about, how this behavior harms your relationship, and how you feel about it.

He'll probably argue or defend himself, but at least you've warned him that you know his tricks. Remain calm even if he gets angry.

Offer psychological counseling for couples . During a conversation with a partner, ask if he is ready to go to a psychologist to work on your marriage.

A good psychologist will quickly figure out what the problem is. Unfortunately, many men who control women refuse psychological help because they are afraid that their behavior will be exposed. But it is an effective way to stop a controlling man and change his attitude.

Try not to blame directly, even if his control problems are the main reason you want to leave.

Reward positive behavior. If you see any positive changes in your partner, acknowledge them right away and praise them. Warm up mature words and actions. The best you can hear is your spouse's sincere question, "Am I in control?"

Remember, a few positive examples of behavior do not mean that control is over. This is a step in the right direction, but you should see an example of consistent effort and positive change.

Set new boundaries for yourself. As long as you remain in the relationship, protect yourself from further emotional abuse from this controlling man. You may not be able to stop his controlling behavior or words, but you can change how you react to them.

Stop him when that happens, and say something like, “This is a great example of the controlling behavior I was talking about. Your attempts to induce guilt will no longer work with me."

Consistently bring what you started to the end. If you tell your partner about your plans or make a decision about something, and he is dissatisfied or tries to control you - do not give in, as you did in the past.

Try to ignore or avoid his stupidity. If you give in, he will see that you do not intend to be serious, and will further aggravate his behavior.

If you decide to leave, make a plan. In the end, you may decide that the relationship cannot be fixed and your partner will never change. For him, the ultimate relinquishment of control is watching you walk out the door. Make a plan ahead of time to end the relationship, outlining the steps you need to take to leave.

Consult an attorney, set up a support group of friends, work with a psychologist on an exit strategy, consider your finances and living arrangements, and make sure you have a plan for your children, if you have any.
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