Why do men get jealous

Six Reasons Why Men Become Jealous, Even If They Are Not Your Husband/Partner

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Have you ever found yourself in a situation where you’re left to wonder, “Why is a married man jealous of me dating”? Well, being married has nothing to do with jealousy. In fact, jealous men aren’t always romantically involved with you, they may just be your friends. Jealousy is a tricky emotion, and it can cast its shadow on any relationship. It’s tricky, I say, because most of the time, men may not even know why they’re feeling this way. Nonetheless, men become jealous even if they are not your husband or partner.

From a casual hug to a harmless smile, a friendly touch to an innocent exchange of pleasantries, to more serious issues like a brighter career and a coveted social status — any of these can turn men into green-eyed monsters. Part of this trait arises out of the fact that men are considered to be more competitive, territorial, and protective by nature.

If you’ve ever had on your hands a classic case of “he gets jealous but he is not my boyfriend”, the reactions of the man in question can be truly baffling. He could be harboring feelings for you but doesn’t know himself. You could be his childhood pal but you are getting a fatter paycheck. He could just hate the way you make heads turn when you walk into a party. So, why do men get jealous? Let’s find out.

Six Reasons Why Men Get Jealous

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Erica Lang, a communications professional, says, “A friend of mine is extremely territorial about me. He gets jealous when other guys are looking at me. We are college friends and we date different people, but he is so possessive when I am out with him. He hates it if other guys look at me.” Why do guys get jealous when you are not dating them, you may wonder in such situations. This happens for several reasons.

Why are guys possessive of their crush? If a guy gets jealous, does he have feelings? Does it happen that he gets jealous but doesn’t want a relationship? Or do you have a male colleague or acquaintance who is jealous of you dating other men? It could be because he has a crush on you, is insecure, or is irked by your success (the typical patriarchal ideology at play). There could be multiple reasons why he is jealous.

Jealous men are susceptible to such behavior because most of them do not know how to handle jealousy in a relationship or even in general. It can be difficult to understand what’s going on in their head, which is why it’s quite a difficult and creepy position to be in for a woman. To deal with the situation better, understand the signs of jealousy. If you’re consumed by thoughts like “He gets jealous but he is not my boyfriend” or “Why is a married man jealous of me dating?”, allow us to help you. Here is our list of six of the most common reasons a man is jealous about a woman:

1. When men fall in love they become jealous

Ironically, love is the most common cause of jealousy for men. Most men have a hard time accepting their potential partner’s interest in others and their interactions with them. This jealousy comes from love and it can be kind of sweet and healthy. The envy here springs out of two reasons: the fear of losing the woman they love to someone else, and the owner’s instinct.

Men are usually protective and possessive of the women they love or have feelings for. Even if you are not committed to a man, he could get jealous on account of all the stares you get when you walk into a room. If you’re still wondering, “Do guys get jealous when other guys look at you?”, the answer is an astounding yes. So, the next time you’re thinking, “Why is he jealous?”, it’s probably because he’s into you and the possibility of another man winning you over is driving him insane.

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Men become jealous in love

2. Why do men get jealous? Because of insecurity!

Jealous men often want their women to be available only to them. They don’t want to share their partners with anyone, including family and friends. Such a man believes that his woman’s association with others may lead her to turn against him. Therefore, he keeps tabs on her, especially on her interactions with other men.

This way, he maintains the power to place restrictions on her as well as control who she socializes with and when. Once he achieves such control, he does not have to worry about the woman leaving him or being taken by another man. Besides being one of those typical examples of patriarchy in everyday life, it is his way of dealing with his insecurity.

And if you’ve got a classic case of, “He gets jealous but he’s not my boyfriend”, the reason could be that he’s insecure about you getting closer to another man than you are with him. Or, he might just have feelings for you and you don’t know it yet. The bottom line is, if you notice the signs of a jealous man, you’ll also notice signs of insecurity in him.

Having said that, insecurity works another way too, where the man feels like he is not good enough. He may feel that the reason you are dating other men is that you don’t think he’s worthy of you. If that’s the case, make sure you have a conversation with him about it and clear the air.

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3.

Self-doubt is a common trigger for jealousy

Anxiety and fear create self-doubt. If a man feels vulnerable within the relationship, he may begin to act in an accusatory manner in order to insulate himself from any possibility of being hurt. When a man senses that he might become powerless in a relationship, he accuses the woman of a myriad of things. He may get jealous even when he doesn’t want an exclusive relationship.

The unhealthy jealousy that he exhibits can often be a projection of his own apprehension in trusting the relationship. Men who get jealous usually charge women with baseless allegations of attracting and giving attention to other men. Such behavior generally stems from self-doubt.

The self-doubt that he projects onto you can end up harming any kind of relationship you may have with him. For example, if he’s always worried about how loyal you are or how much he can trust you, he’s probably going to always find reasons to stay upset with you. And, if you’ve ever found yourself saying, “He gets jealous but doesn’t want a relationship”, for someone, you’ve got a man on your hands who is extremely confused about what he wants.

4. Jealous men have low self-esteem

Why do guys get jealous even when you are not dating them? Why are guys possessive of their crush? Well, if you are looking for signs a man is jealous of a woman, self-esteem issues are definitely one of them. If a man cannot accept himself for who he is, it becomes difficult to understand why anybody else would.

Hence, men with low self-esteem often cannot understand why their women would choose to be with them because they don’t think of themselves as deserving of love. Eventually, this creates a conspiracy in the mind of the jealous man, who starts to believe that his woman is plotting to leave him because she considers him undeserving of her love.

In such a scenario, no matter what the woman says or does, it is seen as an act of betrayal by the man. In his head, it reinforces the belief that she wants to leave him for someone, who is seemingly better than him. Something somewhat similar happened with Marie, a 19-year-old college student, who had issues with her male friend always being jealous of the company she keeps.

“He gets jealous but he’s not my boyfriend, so I was always very confused about why he acts in this manner. I noticed that every time I was laughing with another guy, he’d literally say something like, “Why don’t you just go talk to him?”, when I tried to initiate a conversation with him.

“Eventually, his friends told me that that was because he was always worried that I’d forget about him just because I found another man funny. So, do men get jealous? Turns out, they don’t need much to get jealous. It’s like they’re always ready to pick a fight over nothing!” she said.

5. Jealous men need validation from others

If questions like “Why is he jealous?” or “He gets jealous but doesn’t want a relationship, why is he doing that?” have left you confused, his need for validation could be the answer. This need for validation from others becomes pressing in a person with a low sense of self-worth because they struggle with acceptance of the self. When left unchecked, it makes way for jealousy.

If you’re in a relationship with a man with low self-worth, he’d definitely crave constant reassurance from you. He wants you to accept him, love him, and be there for him. This quest for validation makes him jealous and forces him to think that the woman he loves will, sooner or later, leave him. Over time, this proves to be quite emotionally draining for the woman. The constant jealousy can drive her away from him, which is why he needs to figure out ways to keep his jealous behavior under control.

6. Her successful career irks him

By now, you probably know the answer to, “Do guys get jealous when other guys look at you?”, but you might still be wondering why your platonic friend is envious of you. The answer could lie in your professional success. This is one of those classic examples of patriarchy in everyday life. It is one of the most common and obvious signs a man is jealous of a woman. A woman’s promotion can irk a man more than anything else in the world.

The patriarchal stereotype that a woman achieving success at work must be sleeping with the boss comes into play. This suspicion isn’t just limited to the man in that woman’s life but also extends to her jealous male and female coworkers. Building a successful career often entails working till late at night and traveling quite often with the boss, among other things. All of this makes some men believe that the woman is sleeping around with her boss, hence the high increment and an even higher designation.

Key Pointers

Things like insecurity, self-doubt, and having feelings for you can make a man jealous even if he’s not your husband or partner
A jealous man doesn’t necessarily have to be romantically interested in you, he may just be jealous of your career
Jealous men often need validation, and they’ll try to get all your time and attention. They may feel upset when you choose to spend time with someone else

So, do men get jealous? Apparently, it doesn’t take much for them to get jealous. Though it’s a natural emotion, it can prove to be a risk or have a negative effect on your life if it goes out of control. It can be difficult to deal with or cope with a jealous man’s actions. One of the best ways to deal with it is to have an open and honest conversation about how his jealous behavior is making you feel. If it’s negatively impacting you and those around you, make sure he knows that.

It is normal to feel jealous and many are capable of handling it as well. But, a lot of times, jealousy arises out of a patriarchal mindset or some deep-rooted mental and emotional issues. Dealing with such a man can be quite an unpleasant experience, which is why you must make it clear that you will not tolerate his jealousy if it’s making you uncomfortable.

FAQs

1. If a guy gets jealous, does he have feelings?

If he gets jealous because you’re flirting with other men or because they’re trying to pull you away from him, he probably has feelings for you. However, if your colleague is jealous because you got the promotion and he didn’t, he’s probably not into you but is just jealous of your career.

2. What are guys jealous of?

Guys can get jealous of other men giving you attention, or you not giving them enough attention. Particularly jealous men can get envious when you have more fun with anyone else but him, and others can get this way when you achieve the goals he had set out for themselves.

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Why Do Men get jealous When You Are Dating Them?

Jealousy is virtually unavoidable in a relationship, you can feel it from the very first moment you set eyes on your partner.

You want them all to yourself and you’re desperately afraid that someone else will come along and steal their affection. It doesn’t go away either, you can feel jealous years into a relationship, even after you’re married.

So why do men get jealous when they’re in a relationship? The green-eyed monster can rear its ugly head at any time, whenever we feel scared, insecure, or lonely.

It’s rarely productive and actually pushes your partners further away. Jealousy is a toxic emotion, but if you can understand its root causes, you stand a chance at counteracting it and dealing with those feelings in a productive way.

Why Do Men Get Jealous?

Some say it’s just in their nature, that men are naturally territorial and evolution favored men who would protect their mate from potential suitors.

It’s a view that gives men too little credit and absolves them of responsibility for their feelings.

The question of why men get jealous of their girlfriends or wives is better explained by emotions than evolution. These are some of the common reasons for men’s covetous nature.

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They’re Immature

This is probably the biggest reason why guys get jealous in a relationship, they’re too young or inexperienced to understand how a relationship should operate.

Boys are taught that getting a girlfriend is important for their social status, but no one tells them what they’re supposed to do once they have one.

The whole goal of the relationship becomes to hold onto her and keep her away from any man that could steal her away.

Unfortunately, some men never grow out of this phase. They never learn that a relationship is built on trust and that they can’t assume it will fall apart if their girlfriend or wife starts talking to another man.

Teaching boys from an early age that a romance involves more than possessing a woman would go a long way in preventing these relationship issues later in life.

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They’re Insecure

A man that doesn’t have a lot of respect for himself is more likely to lash out when he feels like his romantic relationship is threatened.

Unchecked insecurity is absolutely toxic for a relationship and leads to trust issues. When you’re worried that you’re not good enough for your partner, the fear that somewhere better will come along can be overwhelming.

Every interaction your partner has with the opposite sex makes you speculate as to how this potential rival might be superior.

Jealousy is also a key component of narcissistic relationships. Narcissists aren’t so much concerned about their partner’s happiness as they are with holding onto a supply source.

Narcissistic supply is the praise, admiration, and feelings of power that narcissists need to compensate for their low self-worth.

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It’s Their Brain Chemistry

Contrary to popular belief, testosterone is not a predictor of jealousy. While men are often portrayed as the more jealous sex, there isn’t as large of a gender difference as popular culture would have us think.

Women can be just as jealous, but their expression of jealousy is less overt.

There are real-world examples that mirror Carrie Underwood’s “Before He Cheats” video involving vandalism and violence, but it’s most often men that get physical when they’re jealous.

That being said, brain chemistry plays an outsized role in how jealous a person becomes.

However, it’s oxytocin, the hormone associated with trust, love, and empathy that’s involved.

People with higher levels of oxytocin are more likely to feel secure in their relationship and less prone to jealous feelings.

His Past Behavior

No one is more distrustful and more worried about being cheated on than a cheater.

Everyone believes that other people’s thought processes and emotions are similar to their own, so if your boyfriend or husband is guilty of infidelity, he’s more likely to think you’re only a few steps away from doing the same.

The reasons for cheating are myriad, but if your boyfriend or husband is feeling this level of jealousy, their cheating was probably motivated by poor self-esteem.

Your partner could also be quick to accuse you of cheating because they hope to justify their own actions. If he can find any evidence that you might stray, he can minimize his own indiscretions.

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Your Past Behavior

Jealous feelings usually say more about the person experiencing those feelings than it does about the object of the feelings.

That’s not always the case though; if you’ve been unfaithful in the past, your boyfriend might be more vigilant for signs that it’ll happen again.

For the relationship to last, he’ll need to heal those wounds and regain his trust in you. If he can’t do that and he’s always waiting for the other shoe to drop, it’s probably best to break up.

They Fear Losing You

So far jealousy has been treated as a genuinely destructive trait and, in most cases, it is.

A little bit of jealousy can be flattering though, an indication that your partner values you and doesn’t want to lose you. The behaviors that arise from those feelings are what differentiate it from more malicious forms of jealousy.

The more benign type of jealousy inspires him to be a better partner, to take notice of weak points in the relationship, and work to improve them.

These little hints of jealousy don’t overwhelm him or destroy his confidence but are reminders that there’s something very special at stake.

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Why Do Guys Get Jealous When You Talk to Other Guys?

When you start talking to another man, your boyfriend or husband might think this is a sign that you’re interested in this man.

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Obviously, there’s a big difference between talking to someone and flirting with them, but those subtle cues can go unnoticed when your partner’s mind is clouded by jealousy.

So what exactly is he thinking when you’re chatting up another man?

He’s Feeling Insecure

Insecurity is the most dependable source of jealousy and when you start talking to other guys, a whole host of scenarios pop into his head.

Do you think this guy’s more attractive? Is he more interesting than me? Does he have a lot of money? What’s he got that I don’t?

Fortunately, this type of jealousy is fairly easy to nip in the bud. Communication is key to eliminating trust issues and your boyfriend needs to understand what it is that attracted you to him and why you want to be in this relationship.

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He should discuss these same things with you too – communication is a two-way street after all. These insecurities should diminish with time as both of you get more comfortable in the relationship.

He’s Worried About You

Your boyfriend or husband feels jealous when you talk to another man because he sees them as a potential rival.

Usually, these suspicions are unfounded and you might even say that you have no interest in this guy. That doesn’t mean he’s not interested in you though.

Men are far more likely to be sexually attracted to their female friends than their female friends are to them.

These men see friendships as a waiting game, biding their time until an opportunity arises and they can make their move. Women who want to keep the friendship platonic might not notice their male friend’s attraction to them or will consciously ignore it to maintain harmony in the relationship.

Her jealous boyfriend or husband won’t turn a blind eye to it though and might call out inappropriate behavior.

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He’s Got Commitment Issues

Men with commitment issues will come on strong at the beginning of a relationship in the hopes of swooping you off your feet but will cool down as things get more serious.

He’s not sure if he’s ready for the next step, which might be moving in together, getting married, or just talking about both of your future plans.

He knows that a lack of commitment could result in you leaving him, but he can’t handle the emotional investment.

If you then start talking to other guys, he thinks his days with you are numbered.

This may not be true, but the seed of doubt is planted and he knows that he needs to make a decision.

Some women may want to use this strategy of talking to other men to coax an answer out of their commit-phonic boyfriends.

He’s Abusive

Some men simply don’t want you to have a life that they can’t control.

They don’t want you speaking to anyone who could be a potential rival, but they’re also trying to isolate you from friends and family members that might call attention to their abusive behaviors.

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How Do Guys Act When They are Jealous?

The green-eyed monster takes many more forms, but they’re typically focused on three things: limiting your access to rival men, punishing you for interacting with other men or demonstrating their worth to you.

These are some of the most common behaviors that’ll let you know your man is experiencing a bit of jealousy.

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He Has a Hair Trigger

If you’ve noticed your husband or boyfriend gets irritable whenever you talk to other guys, he’s likely feeling jealous.

Those feelings can raise his heart rate, make him sweat, and cloud his mind; when you’re jealous it’s hard to think about anything else or deal with any kind of stressors.

He’ll also have more negative feelings about you, which will make him less forgiving of any perceived slights. If you notice that your partner is getting irritable, discuss the situation and reassure him that there’s no need to feel jealous.

He Wants to Be Alone With You

Sounds romantic, right? Not exactly. Your friends, family, and colleagues are important to you, and a loving partner should be willing to share you with them regularly.

If your boyfriend or husband is constantly shutting them out or saying that he’d prefer to be alone with you, it could be a red flag that experiences an unhealthy level of jealousy.

He’s Always Checking Up On You

Maybe he sends you a flirty text message while you’re out with your friends. It shows he’s thinking about you and misses you, but what if you don’t answer that text right away?

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If he keeps sending them, or worse, gets angry and demands to know where you are, his flirty texts are really a cover for his jealousy. He wants to know where you are at all times so he can feel secure that you’re not meeting up with another guy.

That kind of jealousy can become even more toxic when it escalates to him reading your text messages or tracking your whereabouts.

He’s Passive Aggressive

Do you ever feel like everything’s a petty fight after bruising your man’s ego? Many men deal with their jealous feelings through passive-aggressive behaviors: subtly insulting you, sulking, or giving you the silent treatment.

Jealousy has wounded his self-confidence and he’s hoping that these behaviors will garner him more attention. It’s not the most mature way to deal with hurt feelings, but it usually can be overcome with some honest discussion.

He Butters You Up

A bouquet of flowers, a box of chocolates, or a special date night out on the town – your boyfriend or husband could be experiencing some jealousy and you’re the beneficiary.

This might seem like an attractive position to be in, but it’s also not the healthiest way for your man to deal with his insecurities.

You don’t want him to think that you’re in this relationship for the material things; that would put your romance on even shakier ground.

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Addressing Jealousy in a Relationship

We all experience jealousy from time to time in our relationships. It’s human to feel insecure and we all need some reassurance to feel comfortable.

However, jealousy can become a poison pill in a relationship, tainting all the positive feelings that a person has for their partner and replacing them with suspicion and contempt.

The person who’s the object of jealousy ends up feeling dominated, distrusted, and eventually worthless.

While a little jealousy can serve as a healthy reminder of how much he values his relationship with you, anything more than that needs to be addressed through frank discussion or therapy with a licensed professional.

Jealous behaviors can seem flattering at first, but they’re a red flag for abusive behaviors down the road.

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Last Updated on May 31, 2022 by Alexander Burgemeester

Jealousy and jealousy: feel the difference - May 12, 2014

Lifestyle

May 12, 2014, 14:46

and those who are in a happy minority think that they are not jealous at all.

People habitually consider jealousy as a manifestation of a sense of ownership. And we decided to figure out what else, besides selfishness and the desire to completely own the thoughts of a beloved, is hidden in jealousy.

Comes from childhood

The feeling of jealousy follows us from childhood. The child feels its first injections, when it seems that the parents love brothers or sisters more. Jealousy can overshadow the joy of friendship if a close friend suddenly begins to actively communicate with another girl; but the beloved teacher has been paying increased attention to his desk mate for many days, not noticing you at all - and a shadow of jealousy is already sitting on the same chair with you.

But the most striking manifestations of jealousy come later - in relations between a man and a woman. It is in these relationships that jealousy either flourishes or slumbers quietly on a short leash.

My friend Olya reads smart books about personal growth and relationships in the subway, she can even go to some necessary training, after which she diligently thinks the right thoughts in all directions. If they relate to relations with her husband, a merry fellow and a favorite of women, then it looks something like this: “I love him, but I don’t get addicted. With love and gratitude, I let him choose whom to love ... ”- something like that. Because advanced people, they say, are not jealous, but allow themselves to be happy, regardless of external reasons. And now it's fashionable to be advanced. Now Olya is indeed free from a sense of ownership, her self-esteem is consistently high, and even a hundred of her husband's admirers will not deprive her of Olympian calmness. This goes on for about two weeks. Then the accumulator, which is responsible for “enlightenment” in the body, needs recharging. And Olya again reads books on psychology or again goes to classes. Or does not go, then gradually becomes an ordinary (not "enlightened") woman. In the end, among ordinary people, too, very often there are absolutely not jealous, exactly until the moment when there is a reason for jealousy.

If only you knew that everything is not in vain

Psychologists replace the commonplace “jealous - that means he loves” with “not the one who loves is jealous, but the one who wants to be loved. ” And he is afraid that this is not so, we add. Jealousy is defined as a negatively colored feeling that occurs when there is a perceived lack of attention, love, respect or sympathy from a highly valued person, while someone else is imaginary or really receiving from him.

If this causes suffering, then there is too strong an emotional connection with a partner or even dependence. Perhaps you are more fortunate, but personally I have never met a person who loves and at the same time is not involved in such a connection. After all, love between a man and a woman, as we know, is not unconditional and not selfless in essence. Undoubtedly, it is bright and pure. And for the happiness of a loved one, many are ready to break into a cake. But, firstly, the lover wants the beloved to find this very happiness with him, and secondly, breaking into a cake for his happiness, we dream in return of shared love. Of course, it cannot be argued that a person, knowing that his love is hopeless, does not do good deeds in the name of his beloved. Commits. But he still wants reciprocity. Don't you? Somehow I don't believe it.

And if, God forbid, the object of our dreams suddenly begins to show signs of attention to an extraneous object, joy for its happiness surprisingly quickly gives way to another feeling, about which we only recently thought that this was the lot of unfortunate owners and hysterics. Why does self-sufficient and adequate people have such a destructive feeling as jealousy?

Where does jealousy “for every pillar” come from

Psychologists say that the cause of jealousy lies in low self-esteem, coupled with self-doubt. Well, the roots, of course, grow from childhood. If mom and dad didn’t like the child, they constantly compared it with other children, if both the baby and the teenager always felt that they did not meet parental expectations, the result is obvious. The grown-up child will drag low self-esteem, self-doubt and dependence on the opinions of others into their own adult relationships, along with other complexes. It is likely that in love, he will feel safe only if the partner's constant total attention. According to statistics, it is precisely from such children that jealous people most often grow up, those who are jealous of their other half "to each pillar."

It turns out that if a person is confident in himself, jealousy is unknown to him? Is not a fact. But then what about self-esteem, because according to psychologists, it should be underestimated? We would call such self-esteem rather “unstable”, since it drops sharply if the beloved suddenly gave reason to doubt his feelings, that is, it depends on external reasons, in particular, on the attitude of the object of love.

Jealousy and jealousy: separating the flies from the cutlets

When someone else tries to take away the love of a person important to us, which often seems to us our exclusive right, we are overcome by a whole range of conditions: sadness, longing, doubts, resentment, anger , anger ... Often the pangs of jealousy are almost unbearable. The notorious Othello from this generally fell into a state of passion, close to insanity, as a result - a tragic ending. But in similar situations, people behave differently. The feeling of jealousy and its manifestations are far from the same thing. One person may not express his jealousy in any way in communication with a partner (if people do not have tantrums and tedious proceedings, this does not mean that they are never jealous). The other one rolls up scandals, harasses his half with constant reproaches and suspicions, often without any reason.

Jealousy without a reason, as we have already understood, is caused by low self-esteem and self-doubt. A chronic tendency to jealousy is already jealousy, a character trait, if you like. It is even associated with illness. A jealous person does not need a reason, his head is full of pictures of your betrayals, even if you just go to work and back every day. The extreme degree of jealousy is called the delusion of jealousy, which sometimes becomes dangerous not only for the object, but also for others. Jealous with manic persistence winds up non-existent details of the relationship of the suspect with a certain person of a different sex, bullying, showing aggression. If something like this happens regularly in your couple, you need to urgently run to a psychologist, and in some cases to a psychiatrist. Or at least just run. Away.

There is a reason

Most normal people get jealous when they have a reason. In this case, the intensity of their experiences depends on the magnitude of the “sin” of the faithful and all on the same self-esteem, which is inversely proportional to the strength of jealousy. The higher and more stable self-esteem, the less suffering brings the interest of a loved one in people of the opposite sex.

Where mutual respect ends and the restriction of personal freedom begins is an individual question for each couple. For some, light flirting with friends of the husband and girlfriends of the wife is quite acceptable. For others, it is enough to look back at the girl in the mini to get their portion of accusations. Although, in fact, looking at girls in a spring mini is a completely normal male interest, which has nothing to do with the desire to "go to the side." And if you express dissatisfaction about this, then your prince will do it furtively. But it will still be. If this is the reason for frequent conflicts, psychologists advise to talk closely with them, psychologists.

A slightly more significant reason for jealousy can be expressed in flirting or too warm conversation of a partner with another person. This can be perceived as a threat to one's own relationships. The next level of complexity is the constant increased interest of your man in a certain woman. Even worse is the information that he has “someone”. Moreover, if the representative of the stronger sex is most concerned about the presence or absence of a sexual connection between his woman and another man, then women are given great emotional experiences precisely by the emotional connection of her partner with another woman.

According to experts, jealousy in most cases is an exclusive claim to "possession" of another person with whom there is an emotional connection. When this claim is called into question by this person, there is a strong, sometimes irrational fear of losing him. If, under the threat of losing a loved one, a desperate cry breaks out from you: “I can’t live without you!”, psychologists diagnose an extremely high degree of emotional dependence on a partner.

My, you are only mine

This is another dependency. Maybe love is long gone. Just a banal sense of ownership. Indeed, over the years we have lived together, so much effort, emotions and nerves have been invested in order to “make a man out of him”. And then suddenly loomed the risk of losing both him and everything that was invested. "My! I will not give it to anyone!" The desire to take the missus closer to himself is strengthened by the fact that he, so familiar and predictable, is still interesting to other females. Here the woman turns on the reaction from the series "you need such a cow yourself." And pressure, claims, control begin. Loosen your grip! Otherwise, it will definitely leave.

Wounded pride

This, perhaps, is not love at all either. But jealousy does not allow you to live in peace, but what is there, it just whips over the edge! Auto-training does not help, and his teeth clench only at one thought that he preferred another. Days and nights pass in search of its shortcomings, its merits and vice versa. Self-esteem suffers irreparable losses, there is anger at him, her, himself and everyone around him. Feverish attempts to prove his worth to him and the rest are replaced by periods of complete apathy.

How to be here? Consciously, confidently and with pleasure, you can confirm your value at least constantly. As long as it doesn't become an end in itself. Then, by the way, you will see how many men on earth who look at you with interest. And some with admiration. Maybe then, well, it's pride, and with it obsolete relationships?

Selfishness, the desire to completely possess another person, a sense of ownership and self-doubt - for some reason, these are the most often mentioned causes of jealousy. In fact, jealousy is a much deeper and more diverse feeling. And there is something else at its core.

Loss of a sense of one's own uniqueness

Love and admiration of another person inspire. And we are transforming. The eyes sparkle, the gait becomes dancing, the Gioconda's half-smile raises questions: "What happened to you?" Your every word, every look arouses his delight, and a feeling of childish omnipotence appears. And imagine, against this background, suddenly - bang-bang! - it turns out that you are not alone flying with a mysterious half-smile, that there are at least two of you. And both are reflected in the same pair of eyes. What do you feel? Joy for a loved one? We humbly take off our hats, for you are truly an enlightened person, the Absolute and Lady Perfection. In that case, you don't need to read any further. If you have not yet reached nirvana, most likely it hurts you. Because it turned out that for him you are ... not unique.

Never lower the wings! Here, most likely, it's not even about you, but about him. If one beautiful fairy is not enough for a man to fly, if several mirrors are needed to reflect himself, so beautiful and inspired, then either not everything is in order with the notorious self-esteem, or in front of you is a typical collector. Not necessarily women. Perhaps he collects feelings, moments of joy, beautiful words and meetings. And he loves you in his own way. But he loves others too. It's so "beautiful" to him. Seeing that you are offended / upset, such a guy will be completely sincerely amazed. A less conceptual collector is popularly called a womanizer. If you are not satisfied with the position of one of the roses in his fragrant flower garden, fly further on your sparkling wings. And myriads of other butterflies will very soon flock to this world.

Loss of a sense of security

And this is perhaps the deepest and most serious component of jealousy when it comes to family. When there are also children in your relationship, a feeling of jealousy is intertwined with a feeling of precariousness with such a labor built world in which you have all lived happily together until now. It's no secret that no one is immune from hobbies. Because “to love” and “to be in love” are not quite the same thing. And sometimes you want to be in love, even for such morally stable people as you and I. But in the case of our own hobbies, it is we who control the situation. And most often we know for sure the line beyond which it is impossible to go, so as not to destroy what is available. If the spouse is carried away, we lose control over what is happening.

When a woman learns about her husband's infatuation, in addition to pain and wounded pride, she feels that the ground is slipping from under her feet, it is impossible to eat or sleep: the mother and wife feel a threat to the safety of the family. “How and where to live in case of divorce? For what funds? What to say to children? How to raise them, educate them, how to feed them? - A lot of questions are unanswered. After all, who knows how a man will behave in this situation?

It is especially scary when a really happy marriage collapses, where the husband and wife live in harmony and mutual understanding, being truly the closest people to each other. “Harmony in marriage plus passion on the side? It doesn't happen like that!" you say. It happens. But what if a man is not just carried away, but fell in love, seriously and for a long time? Will he have enough strength and wisdom, and his other beloved decency or sacrifice, so as not to destroy a good family? After all, the likelihood that another family will be just as successful, frankly, is low. For not every passionate love develops into deep love and affection.

As for relationships in which everything has been bad for a long time, and the spouses are connected only by a common life and care for children, psychologists say that sometimes it is better to stop them.

What to do?

There are two points here: what to do with relationships and what to do with yourself, your beloved, so as not to go crazy?

Claims, suspicions and tracking the movements of a lover on the Web and in reality will definitely cause his irritation. And if before he seriously did not think of cheating on you, now, on reflection, he may change his mind: who wants to be guilty without guilt? Is your darling obligated to be faithful to you to the grave? He will only do it if he wants to. So it is wiser to support this desire in him. How? Just remember yourself and your behavior at the candy-bouquet stage. In order not to lose, you must let go. Not him, if you need him so much, but let go of the reins. Although his too. Conditionally. Few seek to escape unless they are being held. In many cases, a woman who easily releases a man on all four sides causes a surge of interest in him: “I don’t understand ... Has she stopped loving me?” Perhaps, out of surprise, he will even forget to think about his hobby (if there is one at all).

Well, if he did decide to part with you, most likely it would have happened anyway, sooner or later. Having lost this man, you will at least retain your self-esteem and his respect. The consolation is rather weak, but, you see, it is better than nothing.

What to do with the pangs of jealousy? Relationship specialists have developed whole methods to get rid of them. Summarizing the advice of psychologists, let's say that the most important thing is to take care of yourself. New hobbies, hobbies, interesting work, an “upgrade” of appearance, shopping with girlfriends, trips and hikes - any tool that uplifts mood, self-esteem and distracts from painful thoughts will do. And you just need to learn to love yourself. Without this, it is difficult to accept love from others. Unaccustomed to this, this can be difficult. Praise yourself with or without reason, admire, compliment yourself, make small gifts. You are alone. And you live with yourself until the end of days. Be loved first of all by yourself, the rest will follow. And do not forget to correct the crown, ko-ro-well on a proudly raised head!

A bit of sun in cold water

Controlled jealousy has its positive side. If there is a little bit of jealousy, it adds a spark to the almost extinguished fire of your former passion. The attention of girls to your chosen one increases his value in your eyes. Yes, and a woman, feeling competition, keeps herself in good shape. In turn, the attention of other men adds sparkle to your eyes. As they say, men without female attention grow stupid, and women without male attention grow dull. The main thing is to observe the dosage.

I like the comparison of jealousy with salt in food: if it is too little, it improves the taste, if too much, the dish becomes inedible. And the relationship is unbearable.

Marina Klochkova, for Fontanka.ru

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Behind the closed doors of other people's apartments sometimes there are such dramas that Brazilian series and soap operas take a break. Do you know what it means to live with a pet Othello? These are endless scandals, surveillance, interrogations, searches. They exhaust the nerves and turn life into a living hell... Is it possible to re-educate a jealous person? Or is it impossible, and a woman needs to escape from the “family zone” without waiting for the drama to turn into a tragedy?

The main thing is not to leave bruises

Let me make a reservation right away: here we will talk about those cases when the wife is faithful to her husband and does not even give him reasons for jealousy. However, he finds them in everything, they constantly seem to him...

...My friend was terribly jealous of her husband. When he came back from a business trip, instead of hugging and kissing his wife, he immediately began to walk around the apartment and check if there were any traces of lovers. An acquaintance from the heart was preparing for the arrival of her husband: she cleaned the apartment, cooked a delicious dinner, tried to please him. But instead of love and tenderness, I saw only his frowning, suspicious look ... Sometimes, on the basis of jealousy, he also engaged in assault. But he did it skillfully: he never touched his face, but beat him only in those places where bruises were not visible. He held a fairly high position, so he tried to create the appearance of a respectable family.

They ended up getting divorced. His wife caught him at the moment when he passionately kissed another woman. A scandal ensued, then a divorce… What shocked her most of all was that, for all his jealousy, it turned out that he was playing tricks on the side…

How to live with a jealous person? Passionate love and passionate confessions are constantly replaced by bouts of cruel jealousy. It turns out life is like on a volcano: no spiritual warmth, peace and joy. Maybe at first such passions excite, but very quickly become unbearable.

What to do: leave or stay? And most importantly, is it possible to get rid of painful jealousy?

Two types of jealousy: tyrannical and flawed

Tyrannical is inherent in male despots, who have a tough, uncompromising character. They demonstrate it violently, emotionally, with scandals and threats. Life with them often turns into hell.

To understand the reasons for this behavior, let's remember the world of nature (and we are not far from it). The tyrannical type of jealousy is a typical behavior of an alpha male who strictly guards his territory and drives out strangers from it. He steadily protects his females from alien semen, does not allow even the slightest possibility of its penetration.

“I know women who get wild scandals from their husbands just because they went to a bachelorette party or stayed with a friend,” writes Irina Khakamada. - Checks, calls begin ... Pathologically jealous men are jealous of a woman literally for everything: a dog, a girlfriend, their own children, a social circle. This is a total attitude to a woman as to property: "You are mine, like a doll sitting on a sofa, and should be with me all the time. There is no other world except mine for you." This is a very difficult option and it is the most destructive for relationships.

Jealousy from inferiority is typical for insecure, anxious and suspicious people suffering from an inferiority complex. Its cause may be a low level of education, lack of life achievements, a respectable age (when the husband is much older than his wife). Men of this type usually show their jealousy quietly, without loud scandals. But their constant reproaches and endlessly boring clarifications poison the life of a woman, make her unbearable.

“Jealousy in most cases hides uncertainty,” says psychologist Alyona Moskvina. - This is due to the fear of losing the object of love. A man is not sure that he is worthy of your love, and therefore he is afraid of losing you. All this indicates low self-esteem, which is usually associated with early childhood experiences. A person with low self-esteem torments himself with the question: "I am bad, there is nothing to love me for. I do not believe the words of love, I know that this is not so. And she only looks at the side." Due to constant self-doubt, all other representatives of the same sex seem to the jealous person to be much more beautiful and interesting than himself.

The writer Mikhail Veller says about this: “If Othello had been white, young, handsome and courtly educated, he would have blown his nose into that accursed gift handkerchief and lie down in Desdemona’s bed to make love, and that’s all.”

A woman is ready to forgive her husband for going to the left, but she will not reconcile herself to the fact that he has fallen in love with another. And men react sharply precisely to physical betrayal, while they experience such strong feelings that they can only be regretted! When they only imagine a wife in bed with a lover, their pulse even quickens, blood rushes to their heads, they sweat, frown, as if in pain. But at the same time, if they think that the wife is in love with someone, but did not give herself up, then they calm down ...

Jealous people go to great lengths!

The behavior of jealous people sometimes reaches the point of absurdity. Women say:

“When my husband was on a business trip, I ordered a wardrobe. I wanted to make a surprise for his arrival. And in response I heard: “When the master installed it in your bedroom, everything happened for you! ..”.

“Beloved arranged a showdown with my alleged lover. He almost drowned him in the lake: he gave him a sip of water, then, fortunately, pulled him out, brought him back to life ... What I experienced during this is indescribable ... ".

“My husband got me with his jealousy. We live in a country house, so he built a system of mirrors into the cottage to watch me from any room, and so that I would always be in his sight ... ".

“My husband has already reached the point that when we are driving, he tries not to stop at a traffic light. Afraid that while we wait for the green signal, I will have time to secretly make an appointment with the driver of a nearby car. I'm already tired of proving that I don't need anyone other than him. I don't know how much more patience I have...

Is it possible to explain something to a man seized by a mania of jealousy? Whatever the wife proves, everything is useless, the husband does not accept any arguments...

Dangerous signs

If they exist, this should alert the woman, psychologists say. Here they are:

A jealous person constantly searches you: he checks your phone, pages on social networks, your belongings, underwear. Controls your environment, makes sure that only those girlfriends and acquaintances whom he approves are next to you. Requires you to report minute by minute where you are, where you are going, when you get home. You must be constantly in touch (the fact that communication interference may occur does not count). If one of your friends and acquaintances does not like him, he can make a scandal, insult a person, show him the door. (At the same time, he is sure that he is protecting you). He spies on you, stalks you (in some cases even hires detectives). This behavior seems normal to him, he is not ashamed of it at all. Often uses blackmail: threatens divorce, suicide, promises to destroy you or an imaginary rival. No persuasion and assurances of love and fidelity work on him. On the contrary, it only exacerbates the situation. He wants to make you cry, suffer, feel guilty.

“These signs demonstrate that a relationship with a jealous man is violent and can threaten the life, health and dignity of a woman,” explains counselor psychologist Elena Sultanova. - The prognosis, unfortunately, is disappointing. Psychologists and specialists of centers for helping women who have suffered from violence, including domestic violence, recommend promptly recognizing the signs of a partner’s dangerous behavior in order to prevent unwanted relationships.”

Pathological jealousy can lead to trouble... “Statistics show that the average age of modern jealous killers is 35 years old,” says Svetlana Gushchina, an employee of the Serbsky Forensic Psychiatry Center. - This is the age when other men have their first sexual problems that hit their self-esteem. Recognizing a jealous person is difficult. Sometimes only an experienced doctor can do this.

Sometimes women deliberately provoke jealousy in a loved one. So they want to increase their value and relevance in his eyes: they say, let him get jealous, he will love more. There is nothing wrong with a light, half-joking provocation of jealousy. Such a game is a form of coquetry and exacerbates love feelings. But - God forbid you do such things with a pathological jealous! With him, this can lead to unpredictable consequences.

Prospects for life with a jealous

With a jealous person, it would seem that one should be extremely modest, lower one's eyes down and show with one's whole appearance: "Darling, I don't need anyone but you." But, unfortunately, psychologists believe that this will not help either. Even if you try to behave "right", this will not stop the jealous. Until he himself realizes that his jealousy is a disease, and he needs to see a psychotherapist, the situation will not change and the respite will be only temporary. Well, if he thinks that everything is all right with him and that it is you who are to blame for everything, then you need to save yourself, leave before he kills or maims ...

“Women, if a man is jealous of you, then he considers you a whore. Think about whether you should live with him, advises the famous psychotherapist Mikhail Litvak. “Don’t make excuses, because you are not to blame for anything. Only - why do you live with a jealous person? .. If your partner distracts you from business, reproaches, is jealous, then, therefore, he does not love you. When you communicate with a person, decide whether he is good or bad. If you decide that it is bad, then stop talking to him. If you decide that it is good, then do not find fault with trifles.

From endless scenes of jealousy, a woman eventually develops fatigue and despair. Bitterness in the soul accumulates drop by drop, then turns into a poison that kills love and destroys the family. Without trust, love suffocates…