Why do i get so mad
Why am I so angry?
Anger tells us we need to take action to put something right. It gives us strength and energy, and motivates us to act.
But for some people, anger can get out of control and cause problems with relationships, work and even the law.
Long-term, unresolved anger is linked to health conditions such as high blood pressure, depression, anxiety and heart disease.
It's important to deal with anger in a healthy way that doesn't harm you or anyone else.
How common are anger problems?
In a survey by the Mental Health Foundation, 32% of people said they had a close friend or family member who had trouble controlling their anger and 28% of people said they worry about how angry they sometimes feel.
Even though anger problems can have such a harmful effect on our family, work and social lives, most people who have them don't ask for help. In the same survey by the Mental Health Foundation, 58% of people said they didn't know where to seek help.
Sometimes people don't recognise that their anger is a problem for themselves and for other people. They may see other people or things as the problem instead.
What makes people angry?
Anger is different for everyone. Things that make some people angry don't bother others at all. But there are things that make lots of us feel angry, including:
- being treated unfairly and feeling powerless to do anything about it
- feeling threatened or attacked
- other people not respecting your authority, feelings or property
- being interrupted when you are trying to achieve a goal
- stressful day to day things such as paying bills or rush hour traffic
Anger can also be a part of grief. If you are struggling to come to terms with losing someone close to you, the charity Cruse Bereavement Care Scotland can help.
How we react to anger
How you react to feeling angry depends on lots of things, including:
- the situation you are in at the moment – if you're dealing with lots of problems or stress in your life, you may find it harder to control your anger
- your family history – you may have learned unhelpful ways of dealing with anger from the adults around you when you were a child
- events in your past – if you have experienced events that made you angry but felt you couldn't express your anger, you may still be coping with those angry feelings
Some people express anger verbally, by shouting.
Sometimes this can be aggressive, involving swearing, threats or name-calling.
Some people react violently and lash out physically, hitting other people, pushing them or breaking things. This can be particularly damaging and frightening for other people.
Some of us show anger is passive ways, for example, by ignoring people or sulking.
Other people may hide their anger or turn it against themselves. They can be very angry on the inside but feel unable to let it out.
People who tend to turn anger inwards may harm themselves as a way of coping with the intense feelings they have. Young people are most likely to self harm.
The difference between anger and aggression
Some people see anger and aggression as the same thing. In fact, anger is an emotion that we feel while aggression is how some of us behave when we feel angry.
Not everyone who feels angry is aggressive, and not everyone who acts aggressively is angry. Sometimes people behave aggressively because they feel afraid or threatened.
Read more about anxiety, fear and controlling your anger.
Alcohol and some illegal drugs can make people act more aggressively.
If uncontrolled anger leads to domestic violence, or threatening behaviour within your home, talk to your GP or contact a domestic violence organisation such as Refuge, Scottish Women's Aid, Abused Men in Scotland, The LGBT Domestic Abuse Project or Survivor Scotland.
How can I handle my anger better?
For more advice on dealing with anger, you can:
- read about how to control your anger
- download the Mental Health Foundation's Cool Down: anger and how to deal with it leaflet
- visit Mind's website for tips from the charity on dealing with anger in a healthy way
Why Am I So Angry: Causes, Symptoms, and Treatments
Is anger healthy?
Everyone has experienced anger. The intensity of your anger can range from profound annoyance to extreme rage. It’s normal and healthy to feel angry from time to time in response to certain situations.
But sometimes people experience an uncontrollable anger that often escalates, especially when the provocation is minor. In this case, anger is not a normal emotion but a major problem.
Anger comes from a variety of sources and can vary widely. Some common anger triggers include:
- personal problems, such as missing a promotion at work or relationship difficulties
- a problem caused by another person such as cancelling plans
- an event like bad traffic or getting in a car accident
- memories of a traumatic or enraging event
In other cases, an anger problem may be caused by early trauma or events in a person’s life that have shaped their personality. In some cases, hormonal changes can also cause anger, as can certain mental disorders.
Some signs that your anger is not normal include:
- anger that affects your relationships and social life
- feeling that you have to hide or hold in your anger
- constant negative thinking and focusing on negative experiences
- constantly feeling impatient, irritated, and hostile
- arguing with others often, and getting angrier in the process
- being physically violent when you’re angry
- threatening violence to people or their property
- an inability to control your anger
- feeling compelled to do, or doing, violent or impulsive things because you feel angry, such as driving recklessly or destroying things
- staying away from certain situations because you’re anxious or depressed about your angry outbursts
Anger itself doesn’t constitute a mental disorder, so there’s no set diagnosis for anger problems in the new edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5).
However, it lists more than 32 mental disorders — such as borderline personality disorder and intermittent explosive disorder — that include anger as a symptom. It’s possible that your anger problem is caused by an underlying mental disorder.
If you don’t deal with your anger problem, it could one day escalate to a point where you do something extreme and regrettable. Violence is one possible outcome. You could get so angry that you end up hurting yourself or someone you care about without intending to do so.
If you suspect you have an anger problem, it’s important to seek professional help. Talk to your physician for a referral to a mental healthcare provider who will be able to help.
There are several helpful ways to control your anger at home.
Relaxation techniques
These include breathing deeply and picturing relaxing scenes in your mind. When trying to relax, breathe from deep within your lungs, inhaling and exhaling slowly in a controlled way.
Repeat a calming word or phrase, such as “relax” or “take it easy.”
You may also want to visualize a relaxing experience, either from your memory or imagination. Slow, yoga-like exercises may also help relax your body and make you feel calmer.
Cognitive restructuring
Changing the way you think can change the way you express your anger. When a person feels angry, it’s often easy for them to think dramatically. It’s important to focus on expressing rational, rather than irrational, thoughts.
Avoid using the words “always” and “never” in your thoughts and speech. Such terms are inaccurate and can make you feel like your anger is justified, which makes it worse. These words can also hurt others who may be trying to help you arrive at a solution to your problem.
Problem solving
Anger can be caused by very real problems. While some anger is justified when something doesn’t go as planned, it’s not the anger that will help you fix the problem. The best way to approach a situation that’s making you angry is to not focus on the solution but to figure out how to address the problem.
You can do that by making a plan and checking in with it often so that you can check your progress often. Don’t get upset if the way the problem ends up getting resolved isn’t exactly the way you planned. Just make your best effort.
Communication
When people feel angry, they tend to jump to conclusions, which can be inaccurate. When you’re having an angry argument, slow down and think through your responses before lashing out. Remember to listen to the other person in the conversation. Good communication can help you resolve problems before your anger escalates.
A medical professional such as a psychiatrist or psychologist can recommend interventions to control your anger. Talk therapy can be helpful, as can anger management classes.
Anger management sessions can be taken in person or online. They can also be studied in a book. Anger management will teach you how to identify your frustrations early on and then resolve them. This may involve telling others, or yourself, what you need, while also staying calm and in charge of the situation (as opposed to having an angry outburst).
These sessions can be taken alone with a counselor or with a counselor accompanied by your partner or a group. The type, length, and number of sessions will depend on the program and your individual needs. This type of counseling can be brief or may last for several weeks or months.
When you begin the sessions, your counselor will help you identify your anger triggers and read your body and emotions for signs of anger. Noticing and checking in with these warning signs is one early step needed to help control your anger. Later on, you’ll learn behavioral skills and ways of thinking that will help you cope with your anger. If you have underlying mental health conditions, your counselor will also help you manage them, often making it easier to control your anger.
Anger doesn’t have to get in the way of you living a happy, full life. If you’re experiencing extreme anger, see your physician or mental healthcare provider. They will help you identify which professional therapies may be able to help you cope.
What’s more, there are many ways you can learn to control your anger at home. With time and a persistent effort, you’ll be able to more easily control your anger and improve your quality of life.
"Why am I angry all the time?", Psychotherapy - Gestalt Club
annoyed. If this happens to you very often, delivers inconvenience if "under the hot hand" regularly fall into anything guilty relatives, loved ones, cats and dogs ... Perhaps it’s worth it at your leisure think about what is happening.
Different feelings are needed
The first thing is important to understand. Irritation, anger, Anger is a normal, healthy emotion, though not the best. pleasant. nine0005
One should be alert in two cases:
- If a person claims not to experience them at all. Either this is not true and we are dealing with intentional or unintentional deception (often self-deception). Either such a person is in a deep depression (or it is about other violations mental health).
Sometimes we do not show such feelings, because in society, they are not welcomed, but any of them survives us. - If a person is irritable, angry, openly unfriendly all the time, or most of the time - this is also not very good symptom. We can talk about the so-called dysphoria, it is painful low mood, which can also be a sign mental disorder. In this case, the "evil man" himself suffers. troll" and his relatives. nine0016
If we exclude these two extremes and take an ordinary person, most likely, impending irritation or anger mean that the psyche thus makes it clear: she (that is, you) something is missing. The simplest example: everyone knows how difficult solve important issues on an empty stomach. Any woman sitting on a diet, I experienced it myself. Even in folk tales the heroes say: “First, feed, drink, heat the bathhouse, and then Ask". Why is that? Because unsatisfied hunger and thirst cause irritation, which at the slightest provocation turns into anger directed at the one who is closer, who is the first at hand will hit.
And exactly the same happens in case of dissatisfaction more than complex needs. It turns out, even unpleasant, negative Emotions are actually mechanisms that work for our benefit, because they warn of a lack, the absence of something to us necessary, help to draw attention to the need that we for some reason they didn't notice. nine0005
Where does irritation come from?
Everyone who knows a little about psychology knows about Maslow's pyramid of needs: there are basic needs - hunger, thirst, the need for security. And higher needs - in recognition, in achievements, in self-realization, in the presence of an environment corresponding to our interests.
This division is of interest to us, since irritation and anger can arise from dissatisfaction different needs. So, "passing" through Maslow's pyramid, you can determine at what level you are "hungry". nine0005
So let's see what could be the cause the appearance of irritation, anger, anger:
- Unsatisfied bodily needs - hunger, thirst, lack of sleep, etc.
This also includes dissatisfaction. sexual hunger. - Feeling of unfreedom, stiffness, tightness, compulsion. Is your body able to move as much how much does he need? Walk, run, stretch? Perhaps you have sedentary work and your body needs breaks to be able to warm up? nine0016
- Pain is a signal that the body needs certain care. Ignoring this need the body to declare itself even louder.
- Disgust. You don't like someone or something our environment. For example, a decrepit, shabby closet violates your personal sense of harmony, and from an employee sitting next to him constantly smells bad. Disgust can also apply to activities in general (for example, if your work is related to deception, coercion).
- Someone is trying to violate your boundaries - in a word, action or attitude. Anger signals - "here it is forbidden!" or “you can’t do this with me!” - it protects from harm and discomfort that may inadvertently or deliberately cause surrounding. nine0016
- Nonsense.
You do something but you don't get no recognition from others, no pleasure in themselves. Perhaps it meaningless activity for you, and irritation signals, that you lack the experience of success, the joy of achievement, self-respect, understanding. - Outbursts of uncontrollable anger may be a symptom post-traumatic stress disorder, acute reaction to stress, anxiety disorder, and other conditions that require qualified assistance of a specialist (psychotherapist). nine0016
Who is bothered by your irritation?
This is another self-test question. On clients often come to the consultation with the request “I am too irritable” or “how to subdue my anger”. After finding out details, it sometimes turns out that the client, for example, lives with a very picky, spiteful, critical relative. In such situation client's irritability normal, natural response to life in abnormal, uncomfortable, stressful conditions. Turns out it's good you need to work not in order to pacify your anger (and even more so do not suppress it even more - suppressing emotions without understanding them very bad for mental well-being).
Need to work with so that:
- accept your right to be angry,
- learn to express it in such a way that push for change,
- arrogate to oneself the right to strive for better conditions life,
- learn to defend yourself in destructive relationships (stop criticism, distance, filter - what am I I believe what I do not believe, what I accept, what I do not accept, etc.)
When is it time to apply for a psychological Help:
- You feel irritated constantly or very often,
- Your irritation causes problems at work or in a relationship, it is difficult or almost impossible to control,
- Your anger causes you to start use physical force,
- You are like a "bomb in a barrel" - inside you are constantly boil, but from the outside it does not manifest itself at all, on the contrary, you very kind (or break down, but only on the closest people),
- You are absolutely sure that you cannot be angry, you it's forbidden, and your only way to deal with anger is it is to suppress it (not to let it out).
nine0016
why you should not be afraid of negative emotions - Knife
A stereotype about a happy, healthy and successful person - that he is joyful and cheerful, or at least calm and peaceful. But definitely not evil! If a person is evil, it means that something is wrong with him: he is deeply unhappy, not loved by anyone, and all his undertakings are doomed to failure. However, we are not born with this belief, but acquire it during our lives, when various factors influence us.
Why do people condemn anger? nine0008
1. This is how we were brought up
The first and most important lessons that we should not be angry, we receive in childhood from our parents:
- “Shut up”;
- "Behave yourself";
- "You'll live with mine, then we'll talk";
- "Don't you dare talk to your mother/father like that";
- "Take what they give";
- "Don't be capricious";
- "Be patient" - and so on .
When a child does not want to finish his oatmeal, give a toy to his brother, dress the way his parents want, or sit quietly in the presence of guests, his protest - a manifestation of negative emotions - is crushed in the bud. nine0005
But it is very important for a child to be good to his parents. This is directly related to safety: a baby is born unsuitable for independent living and needs adults to take care of its survival. In the first years of life, care is more physical (to bathe, feed, etc.), and then psychological care becomes more and more important (to teach how to cope with emotions, develop cognitive abilities, help with socialization).
Therefore, a good attitude of parents for a child is a guarantee of safety. And safety is one of the basic needs of every person. nine0005
A child whose parents repeatedly make it clear that they "do not like" him who is angry subconsciously adopts an important survival attitude: "Angry is bad." And he follows this even when he becomes an adult.
Here are two reasons parents tell their children not to get angry.
- Parents also consider their anger to be wrong because they were brought up the same way. Relations with others are a reflection of our attitude towards ourselves. If a person does not allow himself to be angry, "does not love" himself evil, believes that this emotion brings him problems, and seeks to get rid of it, then he will forbid it and his child. Through upbringing, such an adult perceives his ability to suppress anger as something that helps to survive. And he seeks to transfer this useful skill to the child so that he, too, can survive. nine0016
- The anger of a child is a threat to adults. As a rule, such parents are not very confident in themselves and are dependent on the opinions of others. It is difficult for them to cope with a child who is trying to defend their boundaries and opinions, "pushing through" the boundaries of others. Moreover, in this behavior they see a danger to their authority, self-esteem, and, consequently, to their security.
And they are also afraid that those around them will begin to condemn them for a capricious, self-willed, naughty child. nine0016
As a result, the prohibition against anger is passed on from generation to generation. And at each stage, it seems to all participants in this process something necessary to maintain their safety.
2. Society against anger
We leave the family with the idea of "bad" anger - and society supports it. In many educational and work teams, with friends, anger is not welcomed, condemned, accompanied by the stigma: "crazy", "hysterical", "not to please him", "she always criticizes". Why is that? nine0005
- Many people in the family were brought up in the same way. The prohibition against anger is not a unique story of a single family. This is an attitude that is nurtured in so many families. You can call it part of the mentality.
- People who are able to defend themselves and show aggression are uncomfortable.
When interacting with them, one has to respect their needs, take into account their boundaries, understand, negotiate, seek compromises. - Angry people can be a psychological threat. nine0127 Someone's manifestation of anger can frighten those who are used to suppressing it. After all, they do not know how to effectively communicate with a person who openly shows that he does not like something and is not going to put up with it. And where does this skill come from, if in the family they did not interact with anger, but avoided and denied it?
3. We are afraid of being rejected
Under the influence of family and society, a person develops his own stable beliefs.
If the world around us makes it clear: "You are bad when you are angry," we begin to believe in it. It is imprinted in the subconscious: “If I get angry, they will not love me, they will not appreciate me, they will leave me. Getting angry is bad.
Imagine a young man who is on the verge of breaking up with his girlfriend after six months of relationship. All this time he was polite and courteous, met her from work, gave gifts, allowed her to plan their time together. And one morning, she accidentally broke his glass of water. An ordinary glass, nothing special. It would seem, just sweep the fragments, wipe off the water - and forget it. But he fell into a rage. He shouted, called her every word he knew, and deliberately broke her favorite mug. nine0005
The girl is shocked: after all, she has never seen him even irritated, and here is such a vivid reaction, and even on such a small occasion. She is seriously thinking about breaking up. The girl feels a threat to her safety in this unreasonable aggression, because if today a guy broke her mug because of a trifle, where is the guarantee that tomorrow he will not hit her himself? And even if he just keeps breaking things, it still won't be very pleasant.
The guy sees in this situation a confirmation of his attitude: “When you are not angry, you are needed; when you are angry, you are abandoned”, which means that the belief “to be angry is bad” is true! Therefore, he wants to learn how to live without outbreaks of aggression and be always joyful and friendly. nine0005
But with this strategy, repressed emotions do not disappear, but accumulate inside. And when there are too many of them, they break out in a whole storm, and often because of the nonsense that becomes the last straw. And others see this as an inadequate outbreak of aggression that frightens them.
The girl would have endured much more easily dosed portions of his anger. For example, if he argued with her about a joint vacation, refused to meet her from work due to extreme fatigue, or explained that the restaurant she had chosen was too expensive. Then the logic “when you are not angry, you are needed, when you are angry, you are rejected” would be transformed into a healthier one: “when you express your anger constructively and in a timely manner, you are needed, when you accumulate it and splash it out in forms dangerous to others, - you are rejected." nine0005
Suppressed anger may not spill out, but turn inside the person and cause psychosomatic illnesses, or manifest itself as passive-aggressive behavior.
Why does anger seem scary to us?
Very often, when a person hears about anger, he imagines anger and rage, something violent, with breaking dishes, shouting, insults, perhaps even physical violence. This picture is undeniably scary. This fear becomes an additional reason why people forbid themselves to be angry: no one wants to "turn into a monster." nine0005
This logic also has its reasons.
1. Role models of people who suppress anger
So, parents who forbid their children to be angry also forbid it to themselves, and suppressed emotions accumulate inside them. Therefore, quarrels among such adults are almost always stormy: with the very screams, insults, broken dishes, demonstrative departures from home. After all, for them, such showdowns are a way to release a huge amount of anger that they have accumulated due to many annoying situations when they preferred to suppress their negative emotions. nine0005
Children in such quarrels are hard, scared, anxious, unsafe.
They are afraid both for themselves and for their parents - these are the moments of maximum instability of their world. After such episodes, the terrible idea of anger is very firmly deposited in the subconscious.
2. There is no culture of living with anger
People who have not seen how to constructively resolve conflicts, but have watched anger suppression and explosions at the boiling point, it is difficult to understand how to act differently. It is a cultural paradigm that is broader than the family and the social environment. nine0005
In the modern Western world, there is still no generally accepted emotional culture. There is no clear “regulation” for the expression of emotions in accordance with the new norms.
Culture in this case is the rules of ecologically living emotions, defending boundaries, expressing one's claims, setting conditions, sanctions for non-fulfillment of them, and getting what one wants (or reaching a compromise) without scandals and violence.
For example, there is a culture of eating: at home we can lick plates, at the food court we take food in packaging with our hands, and in a restaurant we use cutlery. Or the culture of wearing clothes: no one will go to the office in a swimsuit, as well as in a suit to a gathering by the fire. nine0005
There are no such clear-cut norms and rules regarding living with anger. And often we have only ideas that we need to be silent and endure, and that aggression is a direct path to war. In recent years, more and more people talk about standing up for boundaries, assertiveness, the need to learn how to say “no” - and this is a very good trend. But we are still very far from the formation of a full-fledged culture of healthy emotional response.
See also
The cult of personal boundaries: how not to turn the protection of your individuality into bullying other people
What is anger according to science?
There is nothing superfluous in our emotional spectrum.
Anger is a natural physiological response to the fact that our ability to meet our needs is threatened. This is one of the oldest ways of interacting with the world around us: a “fight” variant of the “fight or flight” response, in which the resources of our body are mobilized to eliminate the threat.
What time, such threats. For our ancestors, the “fight or flight” reaction meant: “Kill and eat the one who is weaker than you; flee from a predator that is stronger than you." nine0005
In today's world, the threats are different: a colleague demanding to do her job for her; partner responding "Shut up!" to an attempt to talk about their experiences; parents who demand to enroll in law school, regardless of the child's wishes.
But the fact that we are no longer talking about life and death does not make the experience less significant.
In our brain, the amygdala is responsible for the formation of anger, which is activated in response to a threat signal.
The amygdala sends a signal to the hypothalamus, which to the pituitary gland. The pituitary gland, in turn, stimulates the production of corticotropic hormone, which controls the synthesis and release of hormones from the adrenal cortex. The adrenal glands produce norepinephrine, epinephrine, and cortisol. As a result, blood pressure and heart rate increase, the level of glucose and fatty acids in the blood increases, blood rushes to the muscles: the body prepares to respond to the threat. nine0005
All this is a natural physiological reaction. It is designed to make us stronger and more fearless for a short time, so that we can show aggression, that is, defend ourselves through an attack.
Why should we be angry
- Anger suggests that something does not suit us. That we don't want to do someone else's work, that we don't consider normal relationships in which we can be told "shut up!", that we don't want to become lawyers.
In fact, anger is such an alarming signal: “Look, it seems that something is going wrong here.” Therefore, people who constantly suppress anger often lose contact with themselves and cannot understand what they generally like and what they don’t. nine0016 - Anger gives us the resources to change what we don't like. After all, it’s not enough just to notice that we don’t like something in the surrounding reality - we still need to gain determination and energy to change it. And in a normal, non-evil state, when the body's resources are not mobilized for retaliatory aggression, it is much more difficult to do this.
From a physiological point of view, anger is one of many options for a healthy state of body and mind. By itself, it is neither good nor bad. nine0120
The actions that we do out of anger (especially if we suppress it for a long time) can really carry a negative message for others. But this does not make the emotion bad, but rather suggests that we need to learn how to constructively live anger and develop a culture of its expression.
