Why do couples divorce after 25 years of marriage

25 Reasons Why Couples Divorce After 20 Years Of Marriage

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Marriage is sacred, so it’s understandable for married couples to hold on to it as long as possible despite experiencing bumps. This may be why it seems complicated to accept divorce after 20 years.

This may appear as a dilemma, especially for those who haven’t been married and haven’t gone through the common marriage problems after 20 years. Try to look at it without judgment, and you will realize divorcing after 20 years of marriage is difficult and can be quite painful.

You can only imagine how these old couples faced and surpassed 20 year marriage problems. How do you find answers to – how to leave your husband after 20 years or why couples separate after 20 years?

Here’s a look at the reasons why married couples separate, if anything can be done to reverse the action, or if not, at least find out how to survive a divorce after 20 years of marriage.

Related Reading: 10 Most Common Reasons for Divorce

Why do couples divorce after 20 years?

Divorcing after 20 years of marriage is something that may be difficult to accept, but it happens. There’s no single reason why couples separate after 20 years.

It can be due to cheating or a partner committing a grave mistake that the other person in the relationship has trouble accepting. Sometimes, divorce after 20 years of marriage happens because the two people involved in the relationship no longer find any reason to stay in it.

There are many reasons to end a marriage, but before you do, you may want to think hard about why you decided to stay. However, if you are constantly bickering to the point of hurting each other whenever you are together, it may be best to think about divorcing after 20 years of marriage.

How common is it for couples of 20 years to divorce?

According to research, there’s a general trend that divorce has been decreasing in the US for two decades. However, it was discovered that the rate of couples who divorce in their 50s and above is higher.

The Pew Research Center mentioned that divorce statistics for couples who are 50 and older have been two times higher since 1990. These findings prove that it is getting more common to witness older couples getting divorced after 20 years.

It opens up other concerns and more questions. Why marriages fail after 20 years? How to ask for a divorce after 20 years? Why couples divorce after 20 years?

Experiencing divorce after 20 years is unimaginable. It will bring so many thoughts to your head – am I really leaving my husband after 20 years? But the more important question to face at this point is – after 20 years of marriage, what happens?

25 reasons why marriages fail after 20 years

Why do people get divorced after 20 years? Here’s a look at the top reasons and ideas on how to survive a divorce after 20 years of marriage:

1. There’s no love anymore

Though some couples share a happy life by taking care of their children and doing their responsibilities in the family, they can fall out of love for no reason at all and start thinking about divorce after 20 years.

This doesn’t happen instantly because they slowly grow apart until they decide to have more than enough reasons to end a marriage.

2. They never felt love for each other from the beginning

Many couples may live together for most of their lives but not love each other. They might seem happy for many years for the sake of their children or social image. When there’s no love and compatibility, it’s hard for couples to live together, making divorce after 20 years more likely.

3. One committed infidelity

One of the main reasons for divorce after 20 years of marriage is infidelity. It doesn’t matter how old a partner is because they can still seek from others what’s lacking from their marriage.

This is why it is often that that sex is important in marriage. If it stops or you have problems with it, you will likely end up getting divorced after 20 years.

4. There’s a desire for freedom

Those who have been too dependent on their partners would want independence as they grow older. This is likely to happen if they work again after their children move out of the house. When both people in the relationship become financially independent, it is easier for them to divorce after 20 years.

This is especially true for wives who suddenly think about – leaving my husband after 20 years.

5. They have unresolved past issues

These unresolved past issues can reemerge after many years. Couples may conceal their issues, but there will come a time when they have to face the truth. This is why honesty is important to relationships. Without it, the relationship would likely end in divorce after 20 years of marriage.

6. They want something more in life

Couples might want to divorce after 20 years if they feel they missed out in life if they married young.

This is another reason why couples grow apart as the years pass by. They are getting divorced after 20 years to have a new identity or experience something out of the boxes they have long confined themselves into.

7. Lack of communication

This is one of the leading reasons why married couples separate. Time will come when couples fail to express their affection and emotions towards each other. To be understood in a relationship, you should feel that your partner cares, respects, and validates your feelings.

Related Reading: How a Lack of Communication in Marriage Can Affect Relationships

8. They lose identity and equality

Marriage is not all about being together. It needs space and time to grow for both the people involved. Couples can feel suffocated if they always spend time with each other. That’s why it’s recommended to go out with friends even when you’re married.

9. One partner is old-fashioned

Divorce after 20 years can occur if one of the partners has an old-fashioned mentality about certain life aspects and they are not open to change. It will be hard to be in sync if couples have different mentalities.

10. Abuse is present in the relationship

It’s time to divorce after 20 years if domestic abuse is present. This can be physical, emotional, financial, sexual, or mental forms. This can also be affected by other issues such as losing a job, death, and addiction.

11. They got married for fear of being alone

Some people decide to get married because they are scared to grow old alone. However, this is not enough reason to get married and stay in the relationship. This is also one of the common reasons why married couples separate.

12. One partner lies

Openness and honesty are the foundation of marriage. This can lead to trust issues, making the relationship uneasy and resulting in couples getting a divorce after 20-year marriage.

13. Addiction is present in the marriage

Addiction comes in many forms. It can be spending too much, gambling, and pornography, aside from the usual, including drugs and other vices. This can endanger the marriage of couples who have been together for many years.

It can push the addicted partner to cheat, steal, lie, and betray, leading to divorce after 20 years of being together.

14. Getting divorced is more acceptable

It doesn’t mean that more older couples are now unhappy in their marriage than the younger generations. They may only feel less pressured to stay married. Over time, divorce has been more accepted by most people.

They’ve understood that unhappiness in ending a problematic marriage is better than unhappiness in staying in it.

15. The relationship experiences professional failure

One reason for divorce after 20 years of marriage is a professional failure. It results in financial issues and makes the other partner feel worthless. This can cause a significant change in the relationship. It can be too stressful to the point of thinking about how to ask for a divorce after 20 years.

16. They have varying sexual preferences

Intimacy is crucial in marriage. However, after being married for a long time, one partner might realize the need to come out of the closet. They might have chosen to keep it for a long time because they don’t want to hurt their partner.

But time will come when the only thing that could help them is truth. Divorcing after 20 years of marriage due to this reason is hurtful but also understandable.

Related Reading: How Important Is Intimacy in a Relationship

17. Their kids had already left home

There is a different effect when there are children at home. When they grow up and move out, the home suddenly feels dull and empty.

Some parents find it hard to get through this phase. Because couples are left alone, they might realize that they’re incompatible, and they only stay married for the sake of their children.

18. They don’t have enough emotional support for each other

Lack of emotional support in marriage occurs when one partner doesn’t connect or respond well to their partner.

One example of this is silent treatment. It can be considered manipulation when a partner withdraws emotionally. Ignoring a partner’s feelings can have serious consequences, such as divorce after 20 years separation.

Check out the importance of emotional connection in the marriage and ways to build this connection:

19. They’re going through financial problems

A common stressor in married couples is financial problems. These problems can bring about negative feelings and self-judgment, affecting physical and mental health.

20. Their therapy and counseling sessions made them realize the reality of their relationship

Couples who realize they’re becoming distanced might opt to consult a specialist.

While going through therapy, they might understand that they’re incompatible and their differences can’t be improved. However, in most cases, counseling helps couples think hard about reasons to end a marriage before reaching the decision.

21. They have unrealistic expectations in the marriage

It’s easy to have big expectations in marriage, but expecting your partner to meet all of them is not right. When you are in a relationship, it’s natural to have expectations, but you need to make sure that they’re reasonable.

Related Reading: How to Recognize and Tackle Unrealistic Expectations in Relationships

22. Mental and personality disorders are present in the relationship

Relationships can get damaged if personality disorders such as severe mood swings and impulsive behavior are present. Problems can persist even after getting medical help. Mental disorders such as dementia and PTSD can also burn out the caring partner.

23. They delay the separation

Some couples might have already known that marriage is not working for them but choose not to get separated for many reasons.

24. There is an absence of mutual growth

Most people have a lifelong process of personal growth. But, if one partner doesn’t have the will to develop themselves, it can be difficult to live with a partner who has aspirations. Because they have different plans, such as retirement and financial plans, they end up divorcing after 20 years of marriage.

25. They are both retired

Work provides a structure and purpose for many people. After retirement, couples may realize that they’ve grown apart, don’t have the same interests, and don’t enjoy being with each other anymore. It prompts them to think about getting divorced after 20 years.

Related Reading: 8 Real Reasons Why Couples Divorce After Decades of Marriage

Ways on how to survive divorce after 20 years of marriage

After 20 years of marriage, what happens? Here’s a look at how to survive a divorce after 20 years of marriage:

After being together for a long time, divorce can be complicated. Having a serious discussion with your partner can make this process easier. You can directly talk about it or get the help of lawyers.

You need to deal with your finances on your own after the separation. Conflicts can be avoided when finances are planned well.

Focus on yourself

You should focus on your well-being after getting divorced after 20 years. You can start by consulting a doctor and prioritizing exercising and nutrition. You can also pamper yourself by having a massage or visiting a salon. Doing these can make all the hardships seem easier.

Do what you love

Divorce after 20 years of marriage causes a lot of life changes. You can take a break, and don’t pretend that you’re okay if you’re not. It’s alright to feel sad. Give yourself time to heal and try new hobbies to discover new ways to make yourself happy.

Avoid questions

What makes divorce after 20 years more difficult is when people question why you decided to do it. You can deal with this by preparing answers. When you answer, you have to be nice but stern for them to realize that you’re not open to discussing them.

Getting divorced after 20 years doesn’t always end happily. If you don’t prioritize forgiveness, you’ll find it more difficult to move on.

Conclusion

Going through a divorce after 20 years is tough. It’s an important decision you need to discuss with your family and children. You have to consider its effects on the people around you.

Before signing the papers, you and your partner should seek counseling first. There may be certain things that you don’t see eye-to-eye, which the professional could explain. No matter what you decide, do not do it hastily. Breathe and think, and consider the reasons to end a marriage and the reasons to stay.

Why Marriages Fail After 25 Years

Medically reviewed by Scientific Advisory Board — By Christine Hammond, MS, LMHC on January 20, 2017

Its shocking. After 25 years of marriage, a couple decides to get a divorce. From the outside looking in, things could not be any stranger. The pressures of establishing a career have subsided, the kids have grown-up (and hopefully moved out), and a desired lifestyle has been obtained. After all, surely this couple has been though just about everything and survived it. Or have they?

It is precisely when a lack of distractions from career, kids, schools, and community subsidies that underlying long-term issues rise to the surface. The defense mechanism of denial no longer works. Instead what is revealed is prolonged hurt, deep seeded resentment, a lack of forgiveness, virtually no real communication, and zero intimacy.

A marriage falling apart after such a long duration isnt about a lack of commitment. Instead, the dedication to staying together is what allowed the marriage to last as long as it did. Yet society vilifies the desolation. Instead of understanding and compassion for the long-suffering, insensitive remarks are made about the character of those who decide to divorce.

Here are some reasons marriages fall apart after 25 years:

Undiagnosed mental illness. To avoid a label, many people refuse to seek treatment for a variety of mental illnesses such as anxiety, depression, ADHD, OCD, PTSD, or even the more severe illnesses of schizophrenia and dementia. Some of these appear later in life and are not present early in the marriage. These disorders can vary in concentration and levels, there can be multiple co-occurring issues, and they can dramatically and negatively affect the perception of life and relationships. There is only so much a married person can take from a spouse with an undiagnosed mental illness who refuses to seek help.
Personality disorders. Most couples will agree that their personalities are different and even clash. But a spouse with a personality disorder brings a level of intensity, extremism, and trauma that is far more significant than a personality difference. Within the definition of a personality disorder is the inability to accurately perceive reality, history of impulsive or controlling behavior, and a trail of interpersonal relational problems. Even with counseling, the effects of a personality disorder on a spouse can generate levels of anxiety and depression that are dysfunctional and can contribute significantly to their deteriorating health.
Abusive behaviors. There are seven ways a person can be abused: mentally, emotionally, physically, sexually, financially, verbally, and spiritually. Just because a person doesnt have bruises, doesnt mean they arent suffering from abusive behaviors. In many cases, the abuse is done in secret with very few people aware of the dysfunction. While ideally this wont be tolerated for an extended period, the reality is that many people need a combination of awareness, knowledge, time, energy, support, and courage to finally walk away.
Hidden addiction. Equally frustrating is a hidden addiction. There are many types of addictive substances such as alcohol, drugs (prescription and illegal), gambling, sex, shopping, smoking, stealing, food, video games, work, exercise, hoarding, and cutting. At some point, a spouse stops enabling the addiction, communicates hope for recovery, sets new standards, and erects boundaries. But if the partner does not respond positively, the spouse finds they can no longer watch someone they love destroy both lives.
Unresolved major issues. There is a wide variety of possibilities in this category including unprocessed trauma from an accident, repeated infidelity from a workaholic, continued grieving over the loss of a child, escalated health issues due to mistreatment, and a misguided coping mechanism such as hoarding. At some point, a spouse has said everything and it becomes too painful to watch the self-destruction knowing that it could be avoided with help.
Lack of growth. Personal growth is not meant to stop with the completion of schooling; rather it should be an ongoing journey that doesnt seize until death. However, some people arrogantly believe that they have arrived and therefore do not need to continue this process either personally or professionally. For the spouse who continues to develop and change, watching the stagnation of their partner is painful. This frequently manifests in different goals, interests, retirement plans, and unfortunately an escalation in controlling behaviors designed to hold back the growing spouse.

When one spouse is willing to work on these issues and the other is not, there are little options. Some chose to live parallel lives with no further connection, others live in separate states and residences, and still, others pick divorce. A person cannot be forced into realization or change, they must want it, make a decision to move healthily, and then follow through.

The end of the story: why people get divorced after years of marriage

Every 13 minutes, one couple gets divorced in the world. It is generally accepted in society that marriage is always good, and divorce is always bad, and the first question that is asked of a divorcing couple is: what happened? And each couple will name their reason.

According to statistics, most often couples get divorced at 6-9 years of marriage, and the most "popular" age for divorcing Russians is 30-34 years. About 40% of divorces occur in the first 5 years, and only 12% of couples divorce after 20 years of marriage. But if the reason for a divorce after the first five years of marriage can be called “they didn’t get along,” then what can you not get along with and what needs to be lost in order to admit that everything is over after living together for 25-30 years? Together with psychologist Svetlana Kravchenko, we will analyze seven main reasons why people get divorced after many years of marriage.

Crisis

The most striking personality crisis is the midlife crisis. It happens to both men and women. The crisis comes at about 40 years. At this time, we begin to ask ourselves questions: Who am I? Is this how I live? Where am I going? With the right partner? The crisis changes ideals. Someone begins to “adjust” existing spouses to their new standards, someone finds new ones that are more suitable for their new status, someone, until old age, sorts out invented ideals for testing, without finding peace. People in crisis often ask themselves philosophical questions, and the thought of divorce (as the start of a new life) seems like a solution to the problem and offers a chance to start over ( read also : 18, 30, 50: age crises and how to survive them).

Adultery

It destroys marriages at any age of partners, however, in this paragraph we will analyze the betrayals that occur in adulthood. Sometimes people who have financial stability, property and well-established relationships begin to think that they, having contributed to the well-being of the family, are not valued by their partners, and try to find confirmation of their importance “on the side”.

On the other hand, infidelity in adulthood is often compensatory. As a rule, emotional estrangement between spouses has occurred for a long time, and the betrayal that has occurred is a consequence of a destroyed relationship.

Intellectual or spiritual abyss

In fact, all people change during their lives. The reason for divorce may be the fact that they change at different rates. For example, if one partner has gone far ahead in his development, and the second has remained at the same level, then parting in such situations is almost inevitable.

Emotional burnout

By the age of 20-30, spouses accumulate certain negative baggage from unprocessed grievances, mistakes, disappointments and mutual reproaches. Sometimes this burden is simply left unattended, and sometimes it happens that the vessel overflows, and the decision to divorce seems to be the only viable option.

Completion of the project

Very often, spouses save their marriage only for the sake of raising children, for example. Then the children grow up, and it becomes obvious that we don’t bind two people together - the “project” is completed. Other factors can also be a “project”: paying off a mortgage, caring for a sick relative, getting an education, and much more. In addition, the financial well-being of the family can be a link. Usually, by adulthood, people already have an apartment, a house, a car and a desire to live for themselves.

Self-realization and fatigue

At the age of 40-50, many people have a desire to relax and enjoy their lives. At the same time, there is an opportunity to fulfill oneself, to give oneself to one's favorite business or hobby, especially if one of the “projects” from the previous paragraph is completed. It happens that a moment comes when a person realizes that the years are passing, and his talent has not been revealed, his dreams have not been fulfilled. The family, as it seems to him, does not allow him to master cardinal changes, and there is a need to free himself from obligations.

New feelings

Love, as you know, is submissive to all ages, and it often happens that one of the spouses falls in love in adulthood. The last love can be stronger than the first, and, as a rule, the choice is made in favor of newly arisen feelings.

It is important to remember that divorce is neither good nor bad. It just happens. Any couple, and especially one that has long years of marriage at stake, needs to decide whether divorce is the only way out of the situation, since most of the problems described above can be really eliminated - find the reasons for the routine in relationships, remember the good moments for which you fell in love with each other, replenish the stock of impressions, renew or form family traditions and just want to be happy together.

Psychologist; specialist in family relations Active member of the All-Russian Professional Psychotherapeutic League.

Photo: Getty Images

Who divorced after 25 years. Divorce after a long marriage

Both the psychology of an individual and the psychology of marriage are characterized by crisis states. Are family life crises natural stages in the development of relationships or a sign of an imbalance in relationships?

“Before, they lived in perfect harmony all their lives, but they did not know grief,” some conservative readers will say. They will say, and they will not be mistaken. Indeed, family relations just a few generations ago were vastly different from those of today. It is the archaic idea of the family that can become the first barrier to overcome the crisis.

Why were marriages so strong in the past? The answer lies directly in the world around us, and specifically in society. Primitive man needed a warm hearth and care. A little later, the position of a woman as the guardian of a domestic nest intensified: men were primarily engaged in physical labor and war. But there are no living memories of this period in the mass consciousness. Many people still draw their idea of a happy family life from the 18th-19th centuries. This happens, first of all, because of the living example of the grandparents (great-grandparents) and, oddly enough, the school course of classical literature. It is from here that the ideas about large and friendly families “come”, where everyone plays “their” roles.

What is modern marriage and what is its role?

Since the 1950s, human civilization has changed dramatically. Metamorphosis befell and family relations. The rapid development of the economy (both in the West and in the USSR) provoked a demand for female labor: now a woman became financially independent. The emerging consumer society looked at the union of a man and a woman in a completely different way: cohabitation without marriage, premarital sexual relations and divorce became normal. Despite easy and cheap access to material goods, a person has become more prone to stress and depression. Recessions in family relationships have also become more intense, because now it is not customary to hide your emotions and desires.

Crisis of 1 year of family life or marriage birth crisis

The first problems begin with a young unit of society after a year of living together. Emotionally, newlyweds are still very attached to their parents, their thinking system still has a “child-parent” pattern of behavior. In their behavior, young people still subconsciously copy the manner of their parents.

For example, the mother of the girl Olya was the leader in the family. Her husband Oleg has a father. Naturally, the young wife regards Oleg's attempts to lead as a suppression of his personality. Oleg, in turn, perceives the independence of the second half as disrespect for himself and Olya's unwillingness to live in marriage.

Solution

The crisis of the first year of family life is easily solved with a high level of mutual consciousness of the couple. Young, creating a family, are sure that now their disagreements will definitely come to an end. Of course it isn't. No matter how similar the temperaments of our heroes are, a certain “grinding in” is always needed.

An effective way to "prevent" the consequences of the first years living together is an ordinary cohabitation. Today's social norms allow the future bride and groom to "taste" life together.

Second crisis: crisis of 3 years of family life

The next imbalance in family relations is connected with the fact that the husband and wife finally "got used" to each other. The crisis of three years is also known in pedagogy. The kid makes his first conscious actions, without fail repeating to his parents: “I myself!”. The child changes his role from unconscious infancy, moving to a new, conscious stage.

A new stage, a new social role opens up before a young family. Most often, it is during this period that the birth of a child falls. Thus, yesterday's newlyweds turn into parents. And parenthood is a completely new and unexplored area for an inexperienced unit of society.

In addition to the birth of a child, spouses have to deal with financial problems. It is by the third year of marriage that a man can turn into an ardent workaholic. In addition to the need to solve housing and financial issues, he may feel unnecessary in his own house, in his own family. A newborn baby can even make a new dad feel jealous. And there is every reason for this: all attention is now paid exclusively to the child. The wife, once attractive and sweet, suddenly becomes a tortured, nervous parody of herself.

Possible consequences

Expecting help and support from her husband, a young mother encounters only isolation, indifference and irritation. Love and passion eventually grow into marital friendship, or even just mutual responsibility for the child. From the current situation, men usually see one way out - to appear at home less often. Run away from the realm of diapers, constant crying, and mother-in-law's advice.

Depending on temperament, a man can “run” to two places: either to friends or to a woman. It is on the “three-year” crisis that the largest number of divorces falls.

How to overcome?

Firstly, a novice dad needs to get used to the fact that he is a father. Mom needs to get used to the same thought. Often, it is mothers who discourage a young man from a sense of responsibility for their child. Do not be afraid to leave the child under the supervision of her husband. A young mother has the right to personal time and self-care. Spending time together more often is an excellent tool in the fight against the "crisis of the third year."

Crisis 5 years of family life - the third barrier

When a woman returns to work after a decree, her man usually does not feel better about it. Now the housework, previously invisible to the ever-busy father of the family, has to be divided into two. The mother of the family practically loses interest in "women's" activities: after all, from the "diaper" world, she can again return to her favorite work, to her hobbies and the usual pace of life. A representative of the strong half of humanity may experience apathy and even depression. It is especially dangerous during this period for the family breadwinner to lose his job.

Coping is easy!

Family responsibilities must be shared. This is an unshakable rule of family life. How can a man lose faith in himself, even an unemployed man who can take care of his family?

Crisis 7 years of family life: seven years, got used to it, tired

The most controversial is the definition of the crisis of seven years. Psychologists characterize it as a banal fatigue from the routine. By the seventh year of marriage, a career is practically built, the housing issue is settled, and the course of life becomes monotonous and slightly boring. The child has already grown up, most likely goes to kindergarten, later to school. Everything goes on as usual. The couple studied each other "as flaky."

Such a routine is unacceptable for creative and active people. Romantic love in such a marriage, as a rule, does not remain: only strong friendship. After 7-9 years of marriage, the spouses may have really “real” lovers, and not fleeting hobbies. A family can collapse in the blink of an eye.

Particularly often at this stage of marriage, it is women who initiate divorce: often especially eccentric ladies are not embarrassed by the prospect of leaving their father with a child in their arms, the prospect of a new life with a lover is so tempting. Another reason for the initiative to break up a marriage may be the husband's infidelity. But men leave the family at this stage much less often.

Don't let the family dry up!

The controversy in defining the crisis of the seventh year lies in the fact that many couples define this stage of their married life as a truly happy period of their lives. The fact is that with a grown child, loving parents are always interested. This is the first fishing in the boy's life, the first sewn dress for the doll in the girl's life, help for mom and dad. It is from this age that their children are introduced to such an important thing as traditional family values.

Don't let your family dry up! Take the whole family on a tour of exotic countries, travel around your native land, find a hobby that occupies the whole family. Remember: your child is already at a sufficiently conscious age for him to form an idea about the family, the role of children, parents. Ideas formed at 5-8 years old, by the way, will remain with a person for life.

The active life of the family also plays an important role in the formation of gender (sex) patterns of behavior.

Crisis of 14 years of marriage: shock upon shock

The most problematic psychologically may be the 14-15 year mark of life together. During this period, the whole family begins a "transitional age". Parents begin a midlife crisis, and just yesterday, mischievous and smiling children turn into gloomy, angular teenagers. It is this time that is most dangerous for the integrity of the family. “Heavy” thoughts begin to overcome: “what have I achieved?” "why so few?" "Who am i?". A man from an energetic father of the family smoothly turns into a "sofa philosopher".

At this age comes the understanding: now or never. A person, regardless of gender, has to do something “such”. Men can "hit" politics, subcultures, extreme sports. Mothers of families - into religion, excessive charity, dubious health practices. With all their appearance, 40-year-olds demonstrate to the world: “Hey, look, I'm still young! I'm not an old man!" Their child, on the contrary, demonstrates to the world his “adulthood” and toughness.

Unfortunately, it is precisely such thoughts that often push spouses to betray. In contrast to the previous period, the initiator of adultery is usually a man.

Teenagers and parents are moving "on the same mind"

“You can understand a 14-year-old boy skating and chasing girls. But what would an adult man, the head of the family! ”The grandmothers gossip at the entrance.

In fact, people who have crossed the line of middle age are more like teenagers than it seems at first glance. A midlife crisis turns previously loving, adequate spouses into irritable, tiring, and slightly eccentric people.

In order to overcome this crisis, it is enough to share each other's hobbies. Or take an example from their own children. Bring to the relationship the same naivety and romance that a couple of 14-year-old teenagers in love, walking hand in hand in the spring in the park, are capable of. Arrange your dream date, skydive, climb Elbrus or Mont Blanc! The world is still in your hands!

Empty house and pension: how not to get divorced after 25 years of marriage?

After turbulent days, calm times come: the children have become practically independent (although they still need help), financial problems no longer bother. “Everything that could be achieved, we have already achieved,” can be heard from couples who have lived together for more than 20 years. It would seem that a marriage that has lasted a quarter of a century simply cannot fall apart. But that's in theory. In practice, unfortunately, there are more than enough opposite examples. Sometimes it turns out that all this time the children were the concrete holding the family together. And now that concrete has crumbled. The cell of society is disintegrating.

How not to get divorced before retirement (and during it)

It is highly doubtful that all these years only children "kept" the union nearby. It is certain that over the years the couple have changed in personal terms. It is worth taking a closer look: perhaps in front of you is a new, interesting person. If you've survived so many crises, you'll survive this one.

Absolutely any crises of family life can be overcome. The main thing is to be honest with yourself and your life partner.

To prevent the negative consequences of family quarrels, you need to know their causes and the rules of the game in each of the situations. In the article we will consider ways to overcome the crisis of 20-25 years of marriage.

Crisis in family relationships - 20-25 years of marriage

Crisis of twenty-five years of marriage, just before the silver wedding. The children have grown up, the career is done. What's next? Many people during this period lose the meaning of life. Adult children do not require care. There are no grandchildren yet. At work, they are preparing for your retirement, and younger and more energetic people have entered the arena. This is especially hard for men - it seems to them that their train is already leaving. All this leads not to divorce as such (it is difficult to cross out twenty years at once), but to the actual breakdown of marriage. Most often this happens with those couples who saw the meaning of life and coexistence only in children. But after all, initially they met, fell in love with each other and got married not at all for the sake of children. Children are just one of the stages of family life. They come into your life and leave it for their own. And you stay. And the marriage remains. But I can console you - there will definitely be no more crises, but in general - many people dream of freedom all their lives, but when they get it, they don’t know what to do with it. Think about what you dreamed about, what you wanted to do? You now have your whole life ahead of you. This crisis is less deep than the previous one, and with a favorable outcome, it can last 1 year, sometimes several years

Crisis in family relations - 20-25 years of marriage. Why do men leave the family?

Children grew up

By this time, children usually grow up and live their own lives or leave the family altogether. Spouses often have an associated feeling of loneliness. Sometimes both husband and wife suddenly realize for themselves that they have become strangers to each other. And, if the meaning of the existence of the couple was only in children, most likely the marriage will break up.

Emotional instability

At this age there are various complaints about the state of health. Women usually worry about the impending menopause, men are frightened by the "sores" that have fallen out of nowhere. All this is annoying, interfering with calm communication. It is even possible that the irritation accumulated over the years of married life (restrained for the sake of the well-being of children) will break out and cover the marriage with an avalanche of divorce.

Reappraisal of values

Why do men leave the family? As mentioned above, men and women take stock of their lives. But men are experiencing this crisis more acutely. Did they all make it? And old age is on the horizon. Sometimes they want so much to prolong their youth by jumping into the carriage of a departing train and starting all over again in a new relationship.

Crisis in family relations - 20-25 years of marriage. Ways out

Family crises are never simple, but there is always a way out of them. Try to be more careful with your soul mate and find new interests and goals that could be pursued together - helping a young married couple, caring for grandchildren, arranging an apartment or cottage, a trip to where you have long wanted to visit, joint walks in the park or cinema. And, most importantly, remember that if you have lived in a family for so many years, it means that you are really dear to each other and there are a lot of things that unite you.

The scientific approach to relationships between people is very stingy with explanations of feelings. Love is considered chemical and biological processes in which a certain complex of hormones is produced. This complex should be developed even after 20 years of marriage, otherwise divorce is inevitable. The longer the euphoria of love lasts, the more difficult it becomes for a person to lose it. This phenomenon cannot be explained.

When people lose love over the years, this very often entails the appearance of a large number of psychosomatic reactions of the body and divorce in life together. How to avoid illness if faced with the inevitability of divorce after 20 years of marriage? What are the reasons for disagreements after many years of living together? Is there a way to resolve the conflict? Let's try to figure this out.

Fatigue

There are couples who divorce after 20 years of marriage because of banal fatigue. At the age of 40-50, many people have a desire to "live for themselves." Most often it occurs in men, as they perceive changes in their life together somewhat easier than women. Such fatigue rarely occurs simultaneously in both spouses.

Imagine a situation, a husband informs his wife about his desire to separate and asks for a divorce, because of the monotony of life together and marriage. She accepts his wish. They file for divorce. How can she continue to live if she was the keeper of the hearth, did not have a job, the opportunity to build a career, but was the “shadow” of her husband in their joint marriage? Dragging out a miserable existence after a divorce? Expect help, but from whom?

Situations like this happen quite often. They require an immediate solution. Psychologists advise looking for support and help only in yourself. Even if there are people who want to help, you cannot shift the solution of the problem onto someone else's shoulders. Look for a way to resolve the situation yourself. Remember, your actions are not every second help - the foundation for later life after a divorce.

Is it possible to overcome fatigue?

If a husband or wife initiates a dissolution of marriage due to fatigue, the inability to live a monotonous, boring, joint life, you need to understand whether the decision to divorce is final. The couple can still be saved, divorce is not the only way out, provided that both spouses are willing to make an effort.

This will require a radical change in life together, understanding and identifying the main causes of routine and desire for divorce, and then eliminating them. This is difficult and requires professional help. Unfortunately, people do not hear warning signals. The desire to divorce is often the finish line.

Mutual accusations

Having lived together for a long time, spouses usually describe separation and divorce as follows: the inability to listen to complaints, believing that only divorce can put an end to this. Often this is the main reason to seek solace on the side. A lover or mistress "does not nag", it is easy, pleasant with them, you can talk on any topic.

The longer people are together, the more often there is a desire to shift the blame to the other half. The reasons for a bad mood are different, "forcing" the spouses to look for reasons to take them away from themselves. Mutual accusations become a kind of tradition in life together.

Wives accuse their husbands of raising their children and not being able to make a career. Although they perfectly understand that the desire to have children was mutual, and the lack of professional experience was not his fault.

Husbands blame their wives for not being able to fulfill their desires, make a career, or build their business because of having a joint family. Although, the desire to start a family was a mutual decision.

Is it possible to stop blaming each other?

Experts say the best way to solve common problems is to talk about them. This rule works without exception. Only by comparing the points of view of both spouses can you see the only true way out of joint problems and divorce. Unfortunately, it will be very difficult to achieve the goal without the help of a professional psychologist.

Any discussion again "slide" to the level of mutual claims. Such a couple needs an arbitrator who will look at the problem without emotions, because 20 years is a huge joint period, during which both managed to accumulate a lot of grievances.

Most often, the basis of mutual accusations lies in the inability to talk about the real problems of living together. Very often blame is a feeling of guilt or dissatisfaction.

Lack of pleasure

Pleasure is the main reason for marriage. People get married in order to experience:

the joy of intimacy;
communication;
shared hobbies;
aspirations.

When shared pleasure is removed from the equation, the very meaning of marriage becomes illusory. That's when the couple starts asking questions. Why do they lose pleasure after living 20 years together? Where can they find what they reveled in at the beginning of a joint relationship? Where does it disappear to? Can you file for divorce?

If the basis of marriage is lost, the only way available is divorce. So do many spouses. Unfortunately they are right. It is very difficult to find again that very connecting thread that brought the spouses into each other's arms, avoiding divorce. That is why the lack of pleasure is the most dangerous cause of relationship breakdown and divorce.

Where to find lost pleasure?

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Most often, the reason for the dissolution of a marriage was several points at once. If you try to save such relationships, you will have to identify everything and jointly eradicate them. It is important that both spouses want this, otherwise all attempts will be in vain.

Adult children

The main reason for starting a family is the desire to have children together. That is why, after 20 years of marriage, many couples face serious problems and get divorced, because children grow up by this time. Accordingly, the spouses need to find the meaning of the joint relationship. It is possible if you search smartly. Otherwise, even if you maintain a relationship, avoiding a divorce, you can remain an unhappy person who is simply afraid of change.

Do you remember the saying: “Gray hair in the beard, demon in the ribs”? Compare it with the above statements: men are less afraid of change than women, children by this time are already adults (17-20 years old).

Then you can understand why exactly at the age of 40-50 there are so many men who begin to wander in search of happiness on the side and ask for a divorce.

Is it possible to find the meaning of relationships if the children have already grown up?

The couple will have to look for meaning in something else, as they have exhausted the pleasure of raising children together. Some couples find it in the upbringing of grandchildren, but this is just a substitute, because it can still lead to divorce. You need to look for something that will give pleasure to both spouses: joint hobbies and aspirations can be an excellent substitute.

Set a goal to start a business for two with your half, or go in for some kind of sport together. Simply put, you need to find something that can become a joint pleasure, then you will find the point to save your marriage, avoiding a divorce.

What to do if divorce is the only way out?

"At 40, life just begins." Remember this phrase? Remember it as often as possible. In the modern world, both a man and a woman aged 40-50 are a mature, experienced person. It's too early to be considered old, you can't give up. Divorce is not the end of a life together, even after 20 years of marriage.
Don't focus too much on the problems of loved ones. Making children and grandchildren the center of your joint universe is a time bomb that will explode someday, leaving a feeling of emptiness and dissatisfaction. Life is full of pleasant moments, so learn to enjoy it yourself.
Forgive yourself and your spouse for breaking up. Very often, even after a divorce, ex-spouses try to blame each other for all the troubles and look for answers why this happened. A vicious circle from which there is no way out. Continuing to blame yourself, your ex-spouse or spouse for all troubles, it is impossible to become happy. It's like holding up a bucket when the roof is dripping. It is better to fix it once and forget it forever, and not until the next rain. Forgiveness is an important, necessary path for later life.
Find your way. Divorce can be an impetus for personal growth, new achievements. It is only necessary to redirect unspent energy to achieve the goal. The forces that you spent on your half remain unclaimed after a divorce. So find a use for them.

Find a replacement for black thoughts!

I am old and nobody needs me.	I am mature and experienced.
I want him/her to come back.	I understand that we did everything to save the relationship.
It would be better if it happened sooner.	After 20 years together, I can say that we were happy and I am glad about it.
I am afraid of loneliness.	I'm free!
It will be difficult for me financially.	New opportunities are open to me.
She (he) has a young lover.	If he (she) has found a new love, then so can I.
I have nothing else to do.	I have a lot of free time.
How to live after 20 years together?	Life goes on with him (her) or without him (her)!

Use phrases such or similar to these that will change the way you approach the problem. Don't let yourself get discouraged. Look to the future more boldly, a new life awaits around the corner.

Attention! Due to recent changes in legislation, the legal information in this article may be out of date! Our lawyer can advise you free of charge - write a question in the form below:

Men :

1. Most men do not worry much about divorce, because they so dreamed of becoming free again and relieving themselves of responsibility for their families and children. In addition, they wanted to meet a better, younger woman who would not get bored as quickly as his wife, and these men realize their fantasies and dreams with her. They believe that family life interfered with the implementation of fantasies. Two years "at large" lead them to the idea that the family is still better, so during the first two years these men marry again (some, however, to their ex-wives), but over the years they begin to understand that the first wife was better than the second, although they do not regret the divorce.

2. What does a divorce after a long marriage lead to another, smaller category of men? They enjoy freedom, change partners, do not get married for a long time, and at the same time, without realizing, they lose the best years of their lives, and by the age of 50 they suddenly wake up in them a craving for family life, and the choice of partners is already small, and he himself has lost the "commodity view". This category of men, if there is material wealth, finds a young wife for himself, to the envy of friends and ex-wife. But this “diamond of youth, beauty and freshness requires a good cut, that is, large financial expenses, there is no time for a strong family, to create the appearance of it for friends and acquaintances, plus the eternal fear of betrayal. And those men who do not have material wealth are content with what comes to hand, because sexual activity is wasted on random partners who require more (in comparison with their wife) emotional, physical, psychological and sexual costs; hopes for a “free life” did not come true, and there was no support in a difficult life situation, for a man this is a disaster, so this man understands that the first marriage was better than the second.

3. There is also a third category of men whose divorce leads to severe depression, its accompanying factors are alcoholism, a strong sense of loneliness, confusion, loss of interest in work and in life in general. Responsibility for the former family, which they abandoned, has grown into responsibility for themselves, and not every man can cope with this. In this situation, a psychotherapist is indispensable. Family life for this category of men again becomes that happy island where he would like to return, but it is often too late, so the inexorable statistics determine the average age of men at 58 years (although, of course, there are many different reasons for early death, but one of them, Definitely a divorce.

Women:

1. Divorce for the vast majority of women is a tragedy that is accompanied by deep depression. Thoughts about “why live now”, “for whom to live now”, very often lead a woman to the decision to stop this meaningless life, so many of them end up in a hospital bed, this is at best, after which they realize that life goes on, need to raise children or start building a new family.

2. After a divorce, a woman will almost never be serenely happy and calm, even if she has a second marriage, because there remains the fear of losing this husband as well or fear for the relationship of her stepfather with her child from her first marriage. Unfortunately, the second marriage for a woman is not always better than the first, although there are exceptions.

3. A long family life, during which people what is called "grown" to each other both psychologically and biologically: they have common joys and common troubles, common friends and relatives, of course, children - suddenly breaks into divorce. The depth of this wound is so great (especially for women) that even with the help of psychotherapists it is difficult to heal it, and even the “scars” will remain until the end of life in the soul of the person who did not want a divorce.

Divorce is always a psychological trauma. Whether it is a divorce after 10 years of marriage or a divorce after 35 years of marriage, it is always very painful and difficult. Let's try to figure out how to survive a divorce after many years of marriage.

Divorce after 20 years of marriage - what could be the reason? The most common “characters did not agree” in this case is not applicable. It is more suitable for couples who have not lived together for ten years. Divorce after 20 years of marriage mainly occurs for two reasons: the betrayal of one of the spouses or the loss of trust for some other reason.

If we talk about betrayal, then there are two options: either it happened because of a sudden attraction and does not imply any continuation, or it was the result of a long, previously established, discord in the family.

Divorce after 15 years of marriage is a hard blow for any couple, which will not be easy to cope with.

Divorce after 30 years of marriage

So, a divorce happened for one reason or another. What to do next? How to survive a divorce after 40? At first glance it seems that this is impossible. There are several stages of experiencing a breakup.

Denial
Not accepting the situation, refusing to believe in what happened, emptiness and hope that the culprit of the divorce will return - this is what happens in the first time after a breakup. It is especially difficult to come to terms with what happened if the children have already grown up, they have their own life, and you feel lonely and useless.

Depression
At this stage, interest in everything disappears, and it is very difficult to get out of this state on your own. Life after a divorce at 50 - does it make sense to start over? This question does not find an answer, and here one cannot do without the help of relatives and friends. At 50, both sexes are still young and full of energy. The surest way to distract yourself from self-destruction is to do something new that takes your mind off the painful memories.

Communication with new people is also an effective method. And the best cure for depression is sport. You can sign up for a pool, some section, which will allow not only to put in order the nervous system, but also the body.

If you are not afraid and give yourself a chance, then the third stage is not far off.

Falling in love with oneself
All the years of married life both husband and wife often forget how it is to love yourself.

Learn more