Why dating sucks
No, It’s Not Just You ... Dating Really Sucks Right Now
From social anxiety to how we value our time, post-pandemic living comes with its own set of particulars. In our Shondaland series Back to Life, Back to Reality, we’re exploring the ways people are adjusting to reentering a world with fewer Covid restrictions.
For single people, the fiercest days of the pandemic were the best of times and the worst of times. On the one hand, being alone forced the unattached to reflect, maybe face some demons, and get to know ourselves better. And for people who enjoy solitude and quiet time alone, knowing they didn’t have to isolate alongside a house full of people who’d inevitably drive them berserk seemed like a relief. Conversely, it got lonely. A lot of singles spent many days in 2020 longing for the robust dating life they had prior: meeting for a drink, flirting, that rush of endorphins from a first kiss, and all the other hallmarks of intimacy — poof! Gone. The promise of a vaccine brought forth dreams of a post-vax “hot summer” full of romance and even decadence; post-pandemic dating, we all figured, would be joyous and fulfilling.
Yeah, not so much.
It turns out that dating post-vax is pretty crappy — perhaps even crappier than it was before, and for a variety of reasons.
“It’s taken people a while to get back in the groove,” says Tammy Shaklee, a relationship and matchmaking expert. She says that many of her clients report an overwhelming sense of anxiousness, awkwardness, and malaise around dating now. “Singles who were first craving [dating] are showing up as ‘I don’t know who I am.’ It’s a little bit of a roller coaster. Everyone’s a bit on edge.”
Some have called it “hesidating.” Some came out of a long-term relationship during Covid and weren’t as ready to date as they expected. Others are making up for lost time, flinging themselves from one person to the next without much thought. Others’ attention spans are still short-circuited from 2020 and just fall off for reasons even they can’t explain. Individual reasons vary, but the net result is the same: Singles are running into roadblocks they hadn’t anticipated. Says Shaklee: “[Clients] are struggling equally.”
Why’s it so tough out there now? Here are some reasons why.
“Most people feel like this ‘back to normal’ was coming, and it’s not,” dating expert Charreah Jackson says.Evgeniia Siiankovskaia//Getty Images
There’s a lot going on in the world
For a while, it seemed like we were dealing with one doomsday scenario after another. January 6. Ukraine. A horrible mass shooting, then another. (And so many more.) Covid variants, the Roe v. Wade abortion ruling, global warming, inflation, monkeypox: A string of unpleasant news for years on top of the pandemic has left a lot of people feeling depleted or numb, naturally tainting the dating pool with people who aren’t at their best. “We all just powered through an experience nobody could give us advice on,” says Charreah Jackson, a dating and life coach who consults on relationships for apps, including MeetMe and Tagged. While studies she’s worked on showed that some 59 percent of singles were expecting to date more this summer, none could have predicted a string of back-to-back bummers. “Most people feel like this ‘back to normal’ was coming, and it’s not,” she says.People forgot how to act
Like zoo animals released back into the wild, many people are having trouble readjusting to their natural habitat. It’s not news that anxiety, depression, substance abuse, and other mental health issues spiked during the worst days of the pandemic; it’s not like they went away overnight, either. Even things as simple as dining out have taken on a different tone. “I’ve had date feedback that people’s manners aren’t what they used to be,” Shaklee says. Talking while chewing, hostility with wait staff, not showing up on time fully and appropriately dressed — the rules of engagement are in a state of flux as we all reset on how to behave. People are rusty with communicating too. “I’m hearing there’s a lot of lack of ‘new,’” Shaklee says. “Those fresh stories and life experiences you used to bring to a first or second date — conferences, social interactions — have fallen flat.” With travel robust again and in-person events stabilizing, people are slowly relearning how to act like adults, but it’s slow going.
“Take the pressure off. It can boost your confidence and remind yourself, ‘I have options,’” says Jackson.Pollyana Ventura//Getty ImagesPeople got more rigid about who they are and what they want
In general, singles adopted a “This is me; take it or leave it” mood, which, depending on how you look at it, can be an expression of healthy confidence or … doubling down when some change might be in order. Dating experts tend to agree that singles became more resolute about their love life during Covid’s most intense days, vowing to get what they really want without compromise. “People’s tolerance is not as high,” Jackson says. “That’s not a bad thing; you had time with yourself to get clear. Particularly for people who quarantined alone, they were like, ‘Let me get more serious.’” That’s a good thing — mostly. But it also means that people on the receiving end of this seriousness will encounter someone who might’ve made their mind up about someone else based on one date, which may not be the best barometer of compatibility. Which leads us to …
“You don’t know if it’s going to be a match in the first five minutes. Singles should have an open mind,” Jackson says.Dmitry Ageev / EyeEm//Getty ImagesHow to make dating great again
Knowing the dating landscape is hard for everyone right now should make the situation seem not as bleak. Shaklee recommends taking some baby steps, and maybe not forming judgments based on one date. “Think about one of your best friends,” she says. “Did you know in the first five minutes you’d be best friends? No. You have shared experiences, and start to form a bond. You don’t know if it’s going to be a match in the first five minutes. Singles should have an open mind.”
Jackson is even more optimistic, saying that, despite all the challenges, this is the best time to be dating. Embrace the fact that things aren’t like before, and go forth with confidence. “Take the pressure off,” she says, suggesting singles date multiple people at once to really get to know what you want. And to just have fun. “It can boost your confidence and remind yourself, ‘I have options.’ Be encouraged. You’re not by yourself, and you’re not crazy.”
Malcolm Venable is a Senior Staff Writer at Shondaland. Follow him on Twitter @malcolmvenable.
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Why Online Dating Sucks for Men AND Women
Online dating has been around for decades in various forms. First there were bulletin boards, then came the dating websites, and now there are dating apps. In fact, online dating has long shed its original stigma and is now the most popular way that couples meet.
Despite that, online dating sucks. And it doesn't matter who you are or what you're looking for. It puts most of the focus on appearance, it can be hard to strike up fresh conversations, and it's all too easy to be ghosted. For both men and women, online dating is hard.
Here are all the reasons why online dating sucks...
1. There's Too Much Choice
It would be a good day if you had a flirtatious chat with one person at a party. Thanks to dating websites and apps, you can check out and chat to a seemingly endless stream of people. So how do you know when you've found "the one"?
Casting your net so wide might seem like a good idea, but there's a risk of becoming hyper focused on trying to find the perfect match; swiping "no" on everyone because you think there's going to be someone better out there.
Not only are there loads of potential matches available at your fingertips, but there are too many free dating sites promising to help you find love. This mean you might find yourself constantly switching between apps to maintain all of the chats. Which can get overwhelming.
2. It's All About AppearanceImage Credit: Austin Distel/Unsplash
Of course, appearance is a major factor when it comes to dating, both offline and online. It's only natural to be drawn to people that you find physically attractive, and there's nothing wrong with that.
However, online dating puts a huge focus on looks. Apps like Tinder are especially problematic for this, where you can swipe someone left or right immediately based upon one photo. If your photos are bad, you're out of luck. There's no chance to dazzle someone with your personality because they've already dismissed you.
Happily, there are some dating services that are looking to overcome the vanity. For example, Hinge matches people based on personality and preferences and lets you create a more interesting and rounded profile to draw people in.
3. Starting Conversations Is Hard
You might have a few chat-up lines up your sleeve. Perhaps some jokes. Maybe an interesting fact or two. Well, good luck coming up with something unique that the other person hasn't heard countless times.
After a while, it becomes difficult to stand out from others and open the conversation in an interesting way. Also, if you're a man then you're often expected to be the one doing just that---unless you're on an app like Bumble, where women go first.
On top of that, if you do get into a conversation, you'll probably end up discussing the same topics that you've talked about with everyone else. It soon gets repetitive.
4. Ghosting is Commonplace
If you're not familiar with the term ghosting, it means to suddenly cut off contact with someone without explanation. In the world of online dating, ghosting is far too commonplace.
Ghosting can happen at any stage---whether it's while you're chatting or after you've gone on a date---and it's because the other person is too scared to admit they don't want to continue. Obviously, the later it happens, the more hurtful it is.
If you were dating a friend or colleague, it would be very hard to suddenly disappear and never see or contact them again. Sadly, with online dating, it's very easy to do precisely that, leaving the ghosted party hurt and confused.
5. People Lie to Make Themselves Sound Better
It's very easy to lie on the internet, and that includes online dating. The extent of the lies can vary drastically, though.
For example, in extreme circumstances you might get catfished---when someone uses a fake identity. Or it might be more subtle, like using the wrong age or pretending to share your interests.
Everyone wants to be their best self, so they'll use the most flattering photos that might not truly represent them in person. This isn't an outright lie, but just something you need to be cautious about.
6. It's a Big Time Investment
It might seem like a quick thing to launch a dating app, swipe through some profiles, and then carry on with your life. But you'll soon find yourself drawn in, juggling multiple matches and the conversations that come with them.
You might thrive and enjoy this, but it's a big time sink, especially since only a proportion of those matches and conversations have a chance of leading to anything more. You'll probably find yourself spending more time online dating than you do attending actual dates.
7. There Are Different Expectations
Some people use online dating to enjoy quick hook-ups. Others are looking for a relationship. Both are perfectly valid options, but it can be tricky to determine someone's intentions unless they are upfront about them, and you might end up disappointed if you want one thing and they want another.
That said, this is also true when it comes to offline dating, but the issue is more prevalent when it comes to the rapid and throwaway nature of online dating.
8. You Might Receive Unwanted Attention
Sadly, trolls and harassers can be found everywhere on the internet, and it's no different for online dating. While most good services let you block people, few have filters.
The Pew Research Center found that women under the age of 35 are more prone to being on the receiving end of harassing behavior:
60% of female users ages 18 to 34 say someone on a dating site or app continued to contact them after they said they were not interested, while a similar share (57%) report being sent a sexually explicit message or image they didn’t ask for.
While this problem primarily impacts women, it does happen to men too. Everyone should be prepared to see something they might not want to while online dating.
9. Online Chemistry Can Be Meaningless
Are you an online Casanova? Do you know your way around a keyboard, and can say just the right thing at the right time? That's a skill in itself, but be wary that online chemistry can be meaningless and doesn't necessarily translate to real sparks.
When online dating, you have all the time in the world to think up the perfect response and say things that you might be nervous to say in person.
If you do meet up, you might find yourself tongue-tied or not feeling the physical attraction that you did online.
10. You Could Get Scammed
Something you should be very alert about is being scammed while online dating. Everyone is susceptible to an online scam, though older people are more vulnerable and therefore bigger targets.
Whether the scammer immediately opens a chat by asking you to visit a dodgy website, or plays the long game to extract money from you, online dating is not safe from scammers.
To stay safe, read our advice on how to spot and avoid an online dating scammer.
How to Find New Friends and Potential Partners
Those are all the reasons why online dating sucks for both men and women. That said, if you do want to start dating online, hopefully you'll have a positive experience---follow our online dating tips for a helping hand.
If you have had nothing but bad experiences dating online, you should uninstall Tinder and try one of these alternatives for finding new friends.
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Reviews and Reviews, Consized the book 9000 90009000 ?
Sometimes it seems to me that foreign authors test our psyche for strength. Especially the authors of this series. Especially mine. But I read and will. It is no longer curable.
Alison Taylor broke up with her husband, and her friends decided to arrange her personal life by persuading her to put her profile on a dating site. At first, Eli resisted, for some reason it seemed to her that she was "cheating" on her husband. Well, we all have phase shifts (for example, I continue to read this black series, although I should have quit this thankless task for a long time)
And yet, she went on a date and planned to rock out, but something went wrong. Namely: she woke up the next day in her apartment with a bump on her head and blood on her hands. Think, pfft, so what? Wait, listen further: later she realizes that she remembers absolutely nothing about last night and what's more, she doesn't recognize her face in the mirror! She does not distinguish the faces of relatives, acquaintances, girlfriends, and how can she find the one who did this to her, if danger now awaits at every corner? And she also began to find “gifts” and notes in her apartment, and this means that the enemy does not sleep and can move freely around her apartment ...
So what to say? Not entirely bad, the first half is a breeze to read. I read about partial memory loss, about complete memory loss too, but this is the first time I encounter this. And the second half seems to be holding interest, I still wanted something bombastic so that I exclaimed: “WOW !!!!! INCREDIBLE!!! THIS SIMPLY CANNOT BE!!” And then, having reached the finale, I realized that I was dreaming of something, apparently I forgot the features of this series.
The absurdity of the situation, stupid revenge, here is precisely the case when a person made his own conclusions and, without hearing the truth, began to destroy other people's lives. Stupid characters, stupid actions (the husband of the main character simply baffled me with his act, justifying it by saying that “I love you, I can’t live without you, so I’m leaving you, be happy” - and this is not a spoiler!). nine0003
In short, my verdict: you can read it if only because you will laugh heartily in the finale at the f*cking suffering of some characters. Well, it's funny, she can. The motive and twist in the finale is the fairy tale of the year.
March 22, 2020
Rated the book
Eli's marriage falls apart and her girlfriends persuade her to create a profile on a dating site and go on a date. Only the next morning terrifies her. She remembers nothing about last evening and night. Her clothes are torn, there are bruises on her skin and one can assume the dumbest. But the reality turns out to be much more merciless - she does not recognize her own face in the mirror, just as she does not recognize the face of her brother. His voice, but someone else's face. Eli has a rare pathology that arose as a result of a blow - blindness to the face. And it becomes a serious problem in life. But even more than this, she is worried about threatening notes and this is due to what happened on a date. The more clues the unknown person leaves, the more it becomes clear that Ali is not being pursued by a stranger, but by someone who knows about her past. What did she run away from and what will overtake her. The stranger even feels sorry for her, she could well recognize him if she could distinguish the face. nine0003
A story from the series that with such friends, no enemies are needed. It is difficult to understand who is your enemy when all the faces are unfamiliar, when you cannot recognize even the closest people. Not only that, but also amnesia, and no one helps her remember what happened that night, and why she was in such a state. Although in the end, of course, I was amused by the fact that after what happened, I dusted myself off like that, got behind the wheel, and went to bed. It's just that the psyche is so hidden from what is happening. All the bumps here fall on the husband, he, of course, distinguished himself here and all for the love of you, dear. The brother also loves his sister, so he is also affectionate and friendly. And girlfriends love Eli, look how men are wooing her. And they love Eli, they can’t say for a long time about feelings, and then, like ostriches, they hide their heads in the sand. And yes, that old story that was dragged in to justify revenge for one, then a completely wild motivation for another. I wanted to read to the end and understand who is behind all this, so that after that I would simply remain silent about what I had just read. Wild story. nine0003
April 27, 2020
Rated the book
To distract herself, she listens to her friends and registers on a dating site. At first, the guys are not impressive, but there is a good option. Unfortunately, the first date does not live up to expectations. And everything would be fine if the heroine went over too much and disgraced herself, or the acquaintance did not continue and a host of other unpleasant everyday situations, but the heroine was disastrously unlucky - she received an injury due to which she cannot recognize faces. Now every person is a stranger to her, and then an ill-wisher has appeared who intimidates a helpless woman. And every day his mockery becomes more inventive. nine0003
The idea is not bad, the situation is unusual and frightening. But the implementation is very weak, the characters are not worked out, the action begins literally immediately, you do not have time to become attached to the characters. And the ending seemed a bit ridiculous, far-fetched.
All in all a medium thriller, perfect for beach days, sleepless nights, queues and between really catchy books.
August 1, 2020
Evaluated the book
Very weak psychological component. Alas, but the main intrigue of the author, which she carefully tried to disguise, you unravel on the first pages. That is, as soon as the mysterious "X" appears in the flesh, you immediately understand that it is he. And no one else can be. Simply because the author was too stubbornly slipping various options under the reader's arm. Such hatred is nurtured for years, does not appear on a click, immediately and suddenly. True, the question of what the hell she even appeared for me personally remains open. nine0109 I did not believe in words, deeds, actions. Too chaotic (including hatred out of the blue).
And now the hard SPOILERS, because I can't resist! A child from the age of 6 lives without a mother, his older sister becomes his mother. He follows her with a ponytail, falls asleep at night under her fairy tales, calls her to play. All he remembers about his mother is a hospital bed. And now he grows up, becomes an adult so much that he himself enters into a serious relationship. And he learns that his mother was helped to die by the same sister. The same mother he remembers endlessly dying. The same sister who sang songs to him, tied his shoelaces, took him to and from school. And with his adult brain, he managed to reach the only thought: what a sister, a dirty bitch, a vile killer who killed something that had been dying for a long time and could not die on its own. Pfft!collapse
April 8, 2021
Rated the book
A smart idea buried under a boring implementation.
Alison Taylor, the main character, broke up with her husband, but not with hopes of getting back together with him. She lives with a friend in the house, makes friends with neighbors, communicates with her brother and succumbs to persuasion to establish a personal life through a dating site.
But the first date doesn't go according to plan. If only because Alison does not remember how it went, but she comes to her senses at home in a terrible state, with a car with a bent side and blood-stained hands. Another problem for the heroine is that she does not recognize anyone around - no one, including herself, because she is sick with prosopagnosia. nine0003
This disease becomes the most enticing part of the book, besides the plot and dynamic plot. The reader is immediately thrown into the maelstrom of events, knocking down the details of the life of the main character and friends. Of course, there is something to learn about everyone. But it doesn't seem all that interesting.
The book is saved by the fact that it is small in volume - it is difficult to have time to be disappointed with what is happening when everything is swiftly passing by. The actions of the characters at some point cease even to seem normal, they all seem to go crazy at once. The end of the book just comes, thankfully. nine0003
In general, this is a thriller with a near-detective line, in which psychology is reduced to stamps, and logic is excluded in principle.
October 23, 2021
Rated the book
September 25, 2021
Rated the book
0002 (84 grades)
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