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Why do i feel like nobody likes me


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Why doesn't anyone like me? Psychologists answer a common question from teenagers


Daria Gordeeva

“No one likes me. Even the ridiculous pimply C student, even the strangest girl, has someone who appreciates and loves them. But only not with me ... ”- such thoughts are often visited by adolescents. In the book 33 Important Whys, psychologists Victoria Shimanskaya and Alexandra Chkanikova answer these and other objections of schoolchildren aged 12-16. Here is an excerpt from the book, where the authors help teenagers deal with the question "Why doesn't anyone like me?". nine0004

Simple truths

It seems to me that you are being a little cunning, so I will ask first: how do you know? Did you really conduct research and interview all your acquaintances and they answered that they categorically do not like you? Even if you imagine such a wild situation, you can not be sure that everyone answered honestly.

Therefore, apparently, we are talking about your subjective assessment. I wonder where it came from and what is behind it?


Source

As far as I can remember when I was 11-13 years old, the phrase "No one likes me" meant "I don't like someone specific, very important to me." This is the problem in a million! A person occupies all your attention, all your thoughts, so you want him to appreciate and recognize you - but he doesn’t care about you at all! He walks as if nothing had happened and does not notice you. Or does not consider it a person at all. nine0004

In this case, to make life easier for you, remember these simple truths: everyone is a success, you do not have to receive his recognition. Your statuses, popularity, authority are nothing more than a social game. And if M, even an obvious outsider, considers you a worthy person, communicates with you with pleasure and recognizes your opinion as valuable - rejoice. This means that there is at least one person on the planet, besides mom and dad, who is interested in you. nine0004

2. We never know for sure how people treat us

What we think and feel is not the same as what we say and how we behave. It seems to you that they hate you, but in fact you just find yourself at the wrong time and in the wrong place. You think they don’t notice you, but in fact they are just embarrassed to talk to you, or your passion can’t figure out their feelings in any way.



Free course on how to believe in yourself →

3. It is very difficult to feel sympathy for a person who does not like himself

Let's be honest: if you were that N, would you pay attention to yourself? What can you think of you, if you look from the side? What is your strength? At what moments is it pleasant and fun to be with you, and at what moments do you want to run away from you to the ends of the world? If N does not notice you, maybe you should declare yourself a little louder?

4. Maybe you just haven't found your company yet

Imagine: a quiet, dreamy young man finds himself in a party of crazy, reckless merry fellows. They value completely different qualities in people.

Real difficulties

And finally, maybe you are right and you really have every reason to think that no one likes you. Nobody invites you to dance. No one sits down with you in the dining room. Nobody comes to the birthday party. Let's say so.


Source

Firstly, there is a high probability that you are still surrounded by the wrong people (and this can be solved: it is enough to find another company, other places where there are people who are interesting to you). And secondly, you can always figure out how to change the situation. Find on the Internet old friends with whom you went to kindergarten, dye your hair, gain courage and ask yourself to a table with the guys you like. nine0004

Don't be afraid of failure: it's better to try and fail than to try nothing at all.

Well, if you get only negative from all your efforts, if everyone really pushes you away, tell your mother or another adult you trust about this. Or call one of the hotlines:

+7 (495) 988-44-34 (free in Moscow)

+7 (800) 333-44-34 (free in Russia)

Perhaps your difficulties have a specific a serious reason that a good psychologist will help to sort out. nine0004

Self-help practices

Here are some practices to help you overcome the feeling of "no one likes me."

Compliments

For ten days, commit to giving yourself two or three compliments every time you:

  • look at yourself in the mirror;
  • are going to leave the house;
  • returning home.

Only, mind you, honestly and specifically, for example:

  • You look very good today! Your hair is cool, and the sweater goes well with the jacket. nine0077
  • It's nice to talk to you! You found the right words for that situation.
  • You are cool. You have funny jokes - funny and not offensive.

Resume

It is clear that you are not going to work soon, but let's practice. Make a presentation of yourself: pick up photos, make a list of your skills and talents, tell in all details why people will want to do business with you.

Then re-read the presentation: well, how can a person like you not be liked by anyone? nine0004

Based on the book "33 Important Whys"
Cover photo from here

"No one likes me, what's wrong with me?" Psychologist's answer to a teenager

AdolescentsMan and womanMan among people

Photo
Getty Images

Let's start by asking: how do you know? Have you really done research and interviewed all your acquaintances, and they answered that they categorically do not like you? Even if you imagine such a wild situation, you can not be sure that everyone answered honestly. nine0004

Therefore, apparently, we are talking about your subjective assessment. I wonder where it came from and what is behind it?

I remember that at the age of 11-13 the phrase “No one likes me” meant “I don't like someone specific, very important to me”. This is a problem in a million! A person occupies all your attention, all your thoughts, so you want him to appreciate and recognize you, but he doesn’t care about you at all! He walks around as if nothing had happened, and does not notice you.

What to do? First of all, here are some simple truths. nine0004

1. There are no people more or less important - each of us is unconditionally valuable

Even if in your class N is considered a great authority, everyone likes it and is successful with everyone, you do not need to receive his recognition at all. Your statuses, popularity, authority are nothing more than a social game.

And if M, albeit an obvious outsider, considers you a worthy person, communicates with you with pleasure and recognizes your opinion as valuable - rejoice. This means that there is at least one person on the planet, besides mom and dad, who is interested in you. nine0004

2. We never know for sure how people treat us

What we think and feel is not the same as what we say and how we behave. It seems to you that they hate you, but in reality you just find yourself at the wrong time and in the wrong place. You think they don’t notice you, but in fact they are just embarrassed to speak, or your passion can’t figure out their feelings in any way.

3. It is very difficult to feel sympathy for a person who does not like himself

Let's be honest: if you were N, would you draw attention to yourself? What can you think of you, if you look from the outside? What is your strength? At what moments is it pleasant and fun to be with you, and at what moments do you want to run away from you to the ends of the world? If N does not notice you, maybe you should declare yourself a little louder?

4. Maybe you just haven't managed to find your company yet.

They appreciate completely different qualities in people. nine0004
Photo
Getty Images

And finally, maybe you are right and you really have every reason to think that no one likes you. Nobody invites you to dance. Nobody sits down with you in the dining room. Nobody comes to the birthday party. Let's say so.

But, firstly, there is a high probability that you are still surrounded by the wrong people (and this can be solved: it is enough to find another company, other places where there are people who are interesting to you). And secondly, you can always figure out how to change the situation. Find old friends on the Internet with whom you went to kindergarten, dye your hair, gain courage and ask to eat with the guys you like. nine0004

Don’t be afraid of failure: it’s better to try and get negative results than to try nothing at all trust. Or call one of the helplines (for example, the free crisis helpline: +7 (495) 988-44-34 (free in Moscow) +7 (800) 333-44-34 (free in Russia).

Perhaps , your difficulties have a specific serious reason that a good psychologist will help you figure out.0004

Useful Exercises

1. “Compliments”

For ten days, commit to giving yourself two or three compliments each time you:

  • look at yourself in the mirror;

  • going out of the house;

  • you are returning home.

Only, mind you, honestly and specifically, for example:

“You look very good today! Your hair looks great and the sweater goes well with the jacket." nine0003 “It's nice talking to you! You found the right words for that situation."
"You're cool. You have funny jokes - funny and not offensive.

Photo
Getty Images

2.

Resume

It's clear that you won't be at work soon, but let's practice. Make a presentation of yourself: select photos, make a list of your skills and talents, tell in detail why people will want to do business with you. Then reread the presentation: well, how can a person like you not be liked by anyone? nine0004

3. "Audit of Human Relations"

Imagine that it is not you who are suffering, but some boy Vasya. Vasya has a big problem: no one notices him, he is treated badly, he is not appreciated. And you in this story are the great auditor of human relations. And then Vasya comes to you and asks: “What is wrong with me? Why doesn't anyone like me?"

You are asking Vasya some important questions. What? For example, how does Vasya feel about people?

Doesn't he like bitter, mean jokes? Does he know how to take the side of another person, protect, show care? nine0004

And one more thing - how it all started. Maybe there was some event, an act, an ugly word, after which they began to look at Vasya differently? Or was there some big disappointment in Vasya's life? You might wonder why it happened and how to fix it.

Maybe Vasya will just whine about being fat. Well, this is nonsense! The world is full of people with completely different weights, who are loved, noticed, with whom they build relationships and start a family. Vasya's problem, probably, is that while he does not fully like himself. You need to get to know him better, consider him properly and understand what his strength is. nine0004

Victoria Shimanskaya talks about how teenagers can get to know themselves better, learn how to communicate with others, overcome shyness, boredom or conflicts with friends in the book 33 Important Whys (MIF, 2022), co-authored with Alexandra Chkanikova. Read also article "Why don't I like anyone?": What teenagers need to know about love.

Children's sociologist, mother of three daughters.

Learn more