Why are some people emotionally unavailable
Emotionally Unavailable: Meaning, Signs, and FAQs
Emotional availability describes the ability to sustain emotional bonds in relationships. Since it’s pretty much impossible to have a healthy relationship without an emotional connection, emotionally unavailable people tend to find relationships challenging. Instead, they might prefer to date casually and maintain some distance.
Say you’ve dated someone for about 6 months. You have plenty in common, not to mention great sexual chemistry, but something seems a little off.
Maybe they shy away from conversations about emotional experiences, or talk a lot about their life and interests but never ask about your hobbies.
This apparent lack of investment can make you wonder if they even like you.
But your involvement (whether it’s a relationship or something more casual) continues, so you reason they must have feelings for you.
The good news is they probably do. The bad news is they might be emotionally unavailable.
Recognizing emotional unavailability can be tricky. Many emotionally unavailable people have a knack for making you feel great about yourself and hopeful about the future of your relationship.
But if, after an encouraging start, you never connect more intimately, they might not have the ability to maintain anything beyond casual involvement at the moment.
The signs below can help you recognize emotional unavailability in a partner.
They don’t like making plans
Emotionally unavailable people often show less inclination to make commitments, whether these commitments are minor or more significant.
Maybe you suggest getting together next week. They agree enthusiastically, so you ask what day works for them.
“Let me check and get back to you,” they say, but you never hear back.
Or maybe they say, “I’ll pencil that in.” But when the time comes, they have a great excuse for why they can’t make it.
They call the shots
When you do see each other, they tend to choose what you do — usually an activity that aligns with their typical routine.
They might put on the latest episode of their favorite Netflix show, even though you’ve never seen it. Or maybe they ask you to help them out around the house.
This doesn’t necessarily mean there’s a problem, especially if they seem receptive when you make suggestions.
But if they never ask what you’d like to do, or seem irritated when you don’t want to go along with their plan, it may be time to consider whether the relationship is really serving your needs.
You do all the relationship work
Can’t remember the last time they sent a text that wasn’t a direct reply? Feel a little frustrated they’ve never set up a date or initiated any plans?
If you do all the calling, texting, and planning, there’s a good chance they’re emotionally unavailable. They enjoy spending time with you, certainly, when it works for them. But they don’t want to work for it, either. If you don’t make things happen, they probably won’t.
When you aren’t spending time together, you hear from them only rarely.
Maybe they take days to reply to messages or ignore some messages entirely, especially meaningful ones.
They might say, “I’d rather talk about important things in person.” Which sounds great, of course — until they don’t follow up.
They avoid the word ‘relationship’
Emotional unavailability can involve commitment and intimacy fears. You might participate in relationship behaviors with someone — go on dates, spend the night together, meet each other’s friends — but they don’t want to talk about having an official relationship.
As long as you keep dating casually, things go pretty well. But when you try to swim to deeper waters, they might make a break for the safer shores of casual dating.
Use caution if someone you’re involved with:
- says, “I’m not looking for anything serious” — unless, of course, you also want to keep things casual
- talks a lot about a recent ex
- talks about unrequited feelings for a friend
- says they have a fear of commitment
It’s always possible you caught them at a time when they feel ready to work toward change.
Usually, though, someone who says these things means them.
You never seem to grow closer
In the beginning of the relationship, they openly share vulnerabilities or say how much they enjoy spending time together. But things never get serious.
It’s tempting to try to make things work with someone who seems distant. You might believe they just need to find the right person. If you can reach them when no one else can, your relationship has the potential to last, right? You just have to try a little harder.
But that’s how emotional unavailability can trap you.
Unless they do some work themselves, you’ll continue investing energy into the relationship with the goal of someday getting closer. Meanwhile, they’ll keep avoiding reciprocation, so you’ll drain yourself until you’re too emotionally exhausted to continue.
They reflect your feelings instead of offering their own
Pay attention to how someone responds when you share emotions.
Do they express their feelings uniquely? Or do they mirror back what you say with, “I feel the same way”?
Not everyone likes to talk about emotions all the time, but in a relationship, it’s important to connect on an emotional level.
If your partner can’t open up, even when you initiate a conversation and ask direct questions, they may be emotionally unavailable.
They show up late or blow off plans
Not keeping commitments or consistently showing up late is a subtle way to keep someone at a distance.
Your partner might still care and even apologize with sincerity.
But they may care more about what they want and have trouble restructuring their life to include you. In other words, they’re not ready to prioritize relationship needs over their own needs.
Maybe some of the above signs resonated with you as traits you’ve noticed in yourself, or things past partners have pointed out to you.
Emotional unavailability doesn’t mean you’ve done something wrong.
You may not fully realize how it shows up in your relationships.
Here are some signs to keep in mind.
When commitments approach, you want to back out
Last week, you made plans for a date tomorrow. You felt excited then, but now giving up your free time is the last thing you want to do.
It’s important to take enough time for yourself, absolutely. That said, if you end up canceling plans with your partner more often than not, it may help to consider why you feel the need to avoid spending too much time together.
You operate by keeping your options open
If you want a committed relationship, at some point you’ll need to focus on one partner (or, in a nonmonogamous relationship, your primary partner).
But instead of having a discussion with your current partner about relationship goals like long-term commitment or exclusivity, you continue swiping, going on dates, and generally keeping your eyes open for greener pastures.
You might not want to settle for someone who isn’t exactly right.
But this mindset can limit your ability to dedicate time and energy to someone you already care for. It’s not always possible to find a “perfect” match, but you can still have a great relationship with someone who falls a little short of complete perfection.
You worry about losing yourself in a relationship
If you’re fiercely independent, you might worry getting close to a romantic partner will involve losing that independence. Maybe you like to do things your way, on your schedule, and don’t want to change your life to fit someone else’s.
There’s nothing wrong with that, but it can make you less available. In a healthy relationship, partners balance individual needs with their romantic commitment. It may take some time and exploration to learn how to do this in a way that feels right for you.
Trust doesn’t come easily to you
If someone betrayed your trust in the past, you might avoid exposing your vulnerabilities to anyone else. You might prefer to keep your emotions and thoughts locked down so no one can use them against you.
When a partner urges you to open up and talk about how you’re feeling, you respond by shutting down or changing the subject.
You keep ending up with emotionally unavailable people
If you have a pattern of relationships with emotionally distant partners, consider whether you’re getting back what you’re putting out.
At first, it might seem easy and fun to date people who don’t ask a lot of you emotionally. But if, deep down, you really want more from a relationship, these flings won’t fulfill you for long.
A number of factors can contribute to emotional unavailability. It’s not uncommon to find more than one cause at the heart of this issue.
Attachment issues
Childhood attachment to primary caregivers can play a significant part in emotional unavailability.
If your caregivers didn’t show interest in your feelings or offer much affection and support, you may have absorbed this as a relationship model.
As an adult, your attachment to romantic partners might follow this pattern and tend toward avoidant.
Temporary circumstances
Emotional unavailability can also happen temporarily. Many people living with mental health conditions, like depression, may have a hard time sustaining an emotional connection with their loved ones during a flare-up.
Others might want to focus on their career, a friend having difficulties, or something else unexpected.
Breakup grief
Experiencing relationship pain can make it tough to become vulnerable with a new partner.
This is especially true if you’re recovering from:
- unpleasant breakups
- infidelity
- unrequited feelings
- relationship toxicity or abuse
Any of these can contribute to feelings of low self-esteem, which can make it even more difficult to experience and share intimacy.
Emotional unavailability doesn’t have to be permanent. It’s a complex issue, though, and some underlying causes may be harder to overcome than others.
Change only happens when someone is willing to work at creating it, so you can’t make an emotionally unavailable partner more available.
But you can try these strategies:
- Bring up concerning behaviors, like avoiding making plans or sharing feelings.
- Point out, compassionately, how those behaviors affect your relationship.
- Encourage them to connect with a therapist, or offer to try couples counseling with them.
- Offer encouragement and support when they do open up.
If you’re trying to become more emotionally available yourself, the following tips can help.
Identify the cause
Exploring the root issues can give you insight on how to deal with emotional unavailability.
If you’ve gone through a nasty breakup, for example, you may just need some more time before trying to get close to someone again.
But if something more serious, like childhood neglect, affects your ability to get close to others, it’s wise to talk to a therapist. Coping with the effects of trauma or abuse generally requires professional support.
Practice opening up
It’s often helpful to get more comfortable expressing emotions on your own before trying to share them with a romantic partner.
To do this, consider these ideas:
- Keep a journal of your feelings.
- Use art or music to practice emotional expression.
- Talk to trusted people, like close friends or family members, about emotions.
- Share emotional issues or vulnerabilities via text first.
Take it slow
Once you realize you’ve been emotionally distant, you might want to begin changing that immediately.
Overnight improvement isn’t realistic, though. True vulnerability takes time, and pushing yourself to open up before you’re ready can sometimes trigger distress or discomfort.
A better approach? Small, gradual changes.
To put it another way, it never hurts to step out of your comfort zone, but you don’t need to leave it completely in the dust.
Involve your partner
As you explore factors contributing to emotional unavailability and work on becoming more available, communicate with your partner about what you learn.
You may have an easier time enlisting their support if they understand why you tend to pull away.
Explore helpful strategies together, such as:
- sharing emotions by leaving notes for each other
- staying connected via text when you need physical space
Spend time with people in healthy relationships
When emotional unavailability stems from attachment issues or unhealthy relationship patterns, it can help to learn more about what healthy relationships look like.
One way to study healthy relationships involves time in the field. Think of friends or family members in strong, long-term relationships, ideally people you spend a good amount of time with. Pay attention to how they interact with their partners.
This won’t give you a full picture, but it can provide some useful insight.
Talk to a therapist
Emotional unavailability isn’t always something you can work through alone, and that’s OK.
If you continue having trouble with emotional vulnerability and feel distressed about the difficulties it causes in your relationships, a therapist can offer guidance and support.
In therapy, you can work to identify potential causes and take steps to break unhelpful relationship patterns.
If you’re already in a relationship, couples counseling can go a long way to helping you and your partner address any challenges together.
Still have some pressing questions about emotional unavailability? We’ve got answers.
Can emotionally unavailable people fall in love?
Some people don’t find it easy to recognize or express key emotions, like anger or love. But that doesn’t mean they don’t experience those emotions at all.
Emotionally unavailable people can certainly fall in love. They just might have a harder time recognizing when it happens and putting their feelings into words.
Remember, emotional unavailability often stems from a deeper fear of intimacy or rejection — fears that can complicate someone’s experiences with love.
If falling in love feels scary or threatening, it’s only natural that they might want to try and avoid it entirely.
When it seems like you’re getting closer, they may pull back to protect themselves.
How do emotionally unavailable people show love?
Just as emotionally unavailable people may not always find it easy to identify feelings of love, they might have a harder time demonstrating affection with words.
They might not say, “I love you” or tell you how much you mean to them. Instead, they might express their feelings through gestures or actions, like doing something nice for you or surprising you with a gift. These actions can make it clear they’re thinking of you.
Maybe they keep that hard-to-find coffee creamer you love stocked in their refrigerator, ready for the mornings after you stay over.
Or you might make an offhand comment about losing your favorite knitted hat. Two weeks later, you’re hanging out when they say, “Oh, yeah, here you go” and pass you a hat, knitted by hand in your favorite colors.
Can emotionally unavailable people miss you?
Someone may not have the emotional availability to carry on a committed relationship, but they can absolutely still care about you.
And if you care about someone, you can miss them.
Maybe they won’t necessarily tell you directly, “You know, I really miss you when we’re not together.” But they might try to connect in other ways — by sharing a meme, a joke, or quote from a TV show you both love, for example.
And sure, they could miss you even if they don’t say anything, unless you reach out first. It’s important to consider, though, whether you need more communication for the relationship to work for you.
Emotional unavailability, on either side, can cause a lot of frustration and distress. But it doesn’t mean you have to give up on your relationship.
Talking to your partner, or taking time to explore your own behaviors, can help you start identifying possible issues and working through them productively.
Patience, communication, and support from a therapist can help, especially if you don’t seem to be getting anywhere on your own.
Crystal Raypole writes for Healthline and Psych Central.
Her fields of interest include Japanese translation, cooking, natural sciences, sex positivity, and mental health, along with books, books, and more books. In particular, she’s committed to helping decrease stigma around mental health issues. She lives in Washington with her son and a lovably recalcitrant cat.
5 Signs of Emotional Unavailability
Indifference, avoidance, and detachment are three of the many signs of emotional unavailbility. Learning to spot an emotionally unavailable person can protect you from toxic relationships.
You may have felt someone you care about couldn’t be there for you emotionally at some point. Maybe they seemed distant, unaffectionate, or uninterested.
It’s natural to be emotionally unavailable when you have a lot going on or need personal space.
But, what about people who frequently seem this way? How can you recognize an emotionally unavailable person, in general?
What causes emotional unavailability may be specific to the person.
It could include an insecure attachment style, a personality disorder, or even a symptom of childhood trauma.
Although everyone’s different, there are a few telltale signs of emotional unavailability.
Learning to recognize these signs may help you make decisions about your relationships and protect yourself if you feel invested in someone emotionally unavailable.
Emotional unavailability refers to someone who doesn’t respond to your emotional needs or cues. An emotionally unavailable man or woman has persistent difficulty expressing or handling emotions, and getting emotionally close to other people.
Lack of emotional intimacy is a sign of unavailability in a relationship, for example.
“When we say someone is emotionally unavailable, we mean that they are not comfortable feeling their own emotions, sharing emotions with others, or being present and responsive to someone else’s emotions,” says Dr. Lindsay Jernigan, a licensed clinical psychologist in South Burlington, Vermont.
On the other hand, someone who’s emotionally available is comfortable sharing an uninhibited connection with someone else, and this includes emotional intimacy.
Everyone’s different and may express emotional unavailability in their own way. However, someone who is emotionally unavailable may:
- seem standoffish in general
- find it challenging to talk about their feelings
- avoid certain topics or situations that involve emotional expressions
“Many people, particularly male gender-identified people, receive culturally reinforced messages that emotional vulnerability is ‘weak,’ and in response, they develop patterns of emotional unavailability in an attempt to live up to cultural gender expectations,” says Jernigan.
Still, it’s a misconception that only men show signs of emotional unavailability or that all men are emotionally unavailable.
Being emotionally unavailable may look different depending on the situation, but the common theme is that dealing with emotions is a challenge.
Here are some important signs that tell you someone is emotionally unavailable:
1. They avoid intimacy
Someone who’s emotionally unavailable may fear intimacy — sharing their innermost feelings and thoughts with you.
“Discomfort with vulnerability leads some people to distance themselves from their own emotional experiences, which makes it almost impossible to engage with others in a way that has emotional intimacy and depth,” says Jernigan.
She adds that a lack of physical affection or eye contact could also be indicators of emotional unavailability, although this isn’t a rule.
When your loved one dodges intimate conversations or situations, it might seem like they don’t trust you. But in most cases, it’s not a personal thing. They’re used to relying on themselves and being self-sufficient.
You may also find you “hit a wall” every time you try to get close to them.
“Painful emotions, or emotions that make someone feel emotionally vulnerable, are particularly challenging,” says Jernigan.
2. They avoid commitment
Commitment is often difficult for someone who is emotionally unavailable.
For instance, they may put off labeling your romantic relationship or initiating a next step, such as moving in or proposing marriage.
Fear of commitment and fear of getting too close are two common signs of emotional unavailability in men and women.
Emotionally unavailable partners might prefer having casual relationships with multiple people or may end relationships if things are getting “too serious.”
In a friendship, the person may be hesitant to make plans or might cancel those often. They might also become evidently uncomfortable if you express love for them or treat them as a confidant.
3. They get defensive easily
“Someone who is emotionally unavailable rarely initiates conversations that involve discussing relationship dynamics, hurt feelings, or requests for behavioral changes,” says Jernigan.
An emotionally unavailable partner also tends to respond in a defensive way.
Or, they might blame you or someone else for their problems. They find trusting others challenging and this may lead them to emotional detachment as well.
Living detached and distrustful is actually a sign of cluster A personality disorders. These conditions could lead someone to become emotionally unavailable.
4. They aren’t available… period
If you tell them you need them, emotionally unavailable people tend to run the other way. Sometimes, they literally are nowhere to be found when you’re going through a rough time or simply want to talk.
Or they might stick around, but they’ll tend to minimize your emotions. They could also try to change the subject or just withdraw from an emotional conversation.
Someone who’s emotionally unavailable might also persistently want to keep topics “light” even when you tell them you need to vent or need advice.
5. They might not empathize with your feelings
Because they tend to “turn off” emotions and have poor insight, people who are emotionally unavailable might also exhibit low empathy — the inability to understand or share someone else’s feelings.
In other words, an emotionally unavailable person may not be able to relate to you, put themselves in your shoes, or consider your feelings when making a decision.
This doesn’t necessarily mean they don’t care about your feelings, but they might not have the emotional capability to identify and honor your needs.
Since an emotionally unavailable person isn’t comfortable exploring their own emotions, they might not be able to connect with other people’s emotional needs, either.
“A lack of exploration of one’s own emotional landscape leads to a lack of personal insight, and ultimately, limited comfort with and attunement to others’ feelings,” says Jernigan.
There are likely many causes for emotional unavailability. But much of the research on the topic has focused on attachment styles and the early parent/child relationship.
Your first relationships with caregivers may play a key role in emotional intimacy and availability.
When caregivers deny affection and emotional support or reprimand the child for emotional expressions, children tend to repeat this pattern in their adult relationships.
Those children who don’t experience adequate responses to their emotional needs may be more likely to develop an avoidant attachment style, a form of unhealthy attachment.
This means they’ll tend to be more independent, physically and emotionally, and have a harder time getting intimate with others or relying on them.
Jernigan says that “attachment wounds,” such as a history of being abandoned, neglected, or ridiculed, may also lead to emotional unavailability. These wounds can develop in childhood or later in life.
“Staying emotionally distant serves a self-protective purpose in these cases,” she says. “If I don’t have to feel, then I don’t have to feel pain, and if I don’t feel too close to you, then I’m not particularly vulnerable to having my feelings hurt by you.”
Avoidant personality disorder, which is different from avoidant attachment style, may also be a cause of emotional unavailability. In fact, people with this condition behave in a certain way in their relationships.
Other factors, such as cultural and gender influences, may play a role in someone’s tendency to be emotionally unavailable.
“This doesn’t mean that emotional availability can’t be developed if it doesn’t come naturally, but some differences along a spectrum of comfort with emotions is most likely part of natural human variability,” says Jernigan.
While the signs of emotional unavailability and narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) may overlap, they aren’t the same thing.
An emotionally unavailable person has difficulties expressing or handling emotions. Someone with narcissistic traits, however, may also have:
- an exaggerated sense of self-importance
- feelings of superiority and grandiosity
- a sense of entitlement
- a persistent need to be powerful, successful, smart, admired, or loved
- persistent low empathy
Signs of emotional unavailability include fear of intimacy, trouble expressing emotions, and commitment anxiety.
“It’s not something you can fix for them, nor is it something they can quickly and easily change about themselves for you,” Jernigan says. “Engaging in this process with someone takes time, patience, and compassion.”
If you’re in a relationship with someone emotionally unavailable, it’s important to understand that this isn’t something they can turn back on at will.
Emotional unavailability can be managed, but it often requires the person to acknowledge this blockage and seek help.
In that case, a mental health professional may be able to support the self-exploratory process with psychotherapy or counseling. This can take years, though.
It may be a good idea for you to consider if this is the type of bond that fulfills you. If it isn’t, stepping aside may be the only way to go.
7 signs of an emotionally unavailable partner
Let's start with the main thing: it is really difficult for an emotionally unavailable person to share his feelings and really get close to other people.
As a rule, there is a crisis of trust and a fear of intimacy behind this - this causes him to be fickle and avoid relationships.
Usually the reasons for this are in a complex intricacies of personality traits and painful experiences (especially loss, rejection or abandonment). All this forms the style of behavior with others.
Such people are often called toxic or narcissistic traits are attributed to them. Sometimes this is true, but more often it is not. Early loss or the painful experience of rejection can indeed be difficult to bear. And the extreme degree of natural shyness makes a person close against his will.
It can be difficult for these people to give up their defenses, the prospect of intimacy with others scares them so much. What else makes them different?
1. They are afraid of deep conversations
It is not easy for them to plunge into the world of feelings and emotions - they are ready to listen to a partner, but only for the time being.
At the moment when it becomes completely unbearable, they simply change the subject, and when they are required to make any commitments, they feel cornered.
2. Intimacy for them always coexists with fear
Love and close relationships always come with an “add-on weight” in the form of inevitable (as it seems to them) conflicts, life dramas or potential rejection - everything that happened to them before.
3. They have real trust problems
If a person has suffered a lot, it is difficult for him to enter into any relationship with an open heart - it is too scary to be vulnerable again and experience new pain.
4. They do not know how to express feelings
Often, emotionally unavailable people simply do not have the skill of expressing everything that is on their souls. This does not mean that experiences are alien to them, they just do not know how to share them.
5. Often they easily and quickly cut ties with people
Moreover, any ties, including family ones.
Which, of course, brings a lot of suffering to others. But at the same time, the person himself is sure that it will be easier this way than painfully choosing words and explaining himself, risking offending another.
6. They often choose a relationship at a distance
Or they enter into a relationship with a person who is not free - it's easier to keep the distance they need and not take the “next step”.
7. They are interested in others, slowly opening up in response
Asking questions and listening to answers is easier for them than talking about themselves. And the interlocutor, as a rule, such attention and interest is extremely pleasant - until it becomes clear that he himself did not know anything about the partner.
What to do - run away?
First of all, you need to understand that not all emotionally unavailable people are toxic. Most are not to blame for the chosen style of behavior, moreover, they usually have good reasons. If you have patience and let the person begin to trust you, he can open up and become a great partner.
But the main thing is to understand how you yourself feel in these relationships. If it’s hard, if doubts gnaw and nothing changes over time, perhaps you should ask yourself the question: is it worth it? Your life and your happiness is above all.
Why do we choose emotionally unavailable partners
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Man and woman
Attachment is like a big panic button in the brain. When life runs its course, there is no need for it. We make Easter cakes, collect bouquets of leaves, play catch-up. Or we meet with friends, make plans, go to work and enjoy every day.
But then something bad happens: we fall and break our knee. The school bully pushes us and we drop our lunch on the floor. The boss is threatening to fire you. These negative experiences generate worry and anxiety, and anxiety in turn activates our emergency button.
And she sends out a signal to seek proximity. We find those relationships that support us - or rather, what we think of ourselves.
And this is the paradox: attachment, without which we would hardly have survived in childhood, begins to play a cruel joke with us. If we evaluate ourselves negatively, then we find comfort in relationships with those who evaluate us in the same way.
Three Strategies in Relationships
The affection we felt for our mother in childhood dictates one of the three strategies in relationships.
1.
Healthy strategy (secure attachment)
According to psychologists, no more than 50% use this strategy. Such people easily converge and communicate with others. They do not feel uncomfortable when someone depends on them, and they themselves are not afraid of losing their freedom. They perceive others and themselves positively. If something does not suit a partner in a relationship, they are always ready for a dialogue.
2.
Manipulative strategy (anxious attachment)
These people are looking for maximum intimacy in a relationship.
Their ideal is complete fusion. They often worry that their partner does not love them enough, they are afraid to be alone.
People of this type underestimate themselves and put others on a pedestal, do everything to justify the expectations of people significant to them. Unusually affectionate, constantly looking for external confirmation of their own value, because they themselves do not feel it.
3.
Leave me alone! (avoidant type)
They feel uncomfortable in intimate relationships, do not like to depend on others and prefer not to be dependent on them either. Having learned from their own experience that intimacy brings only suffering, they strive for independence and self-sufficiency.
Such people perceive themselves super positively, and others negatively. They tend to use the insecurities of overly affectionate people to further strengthen their superiority.
Who chooses whom and why
If you carefully study these three strategies - as we once read the condition of the problem in school - it will become clear that all our further meetings and sufferings are already “set” in them.
People with the last two types of attachment are drawn to each other, although it is clear that their relationship is destined to be destructive. More importantly, they will reject a partner until he changes his positive attitude towards them to what they expect from him.
And what about people with the first type of attachment? They are looking for people with the same healthy, secure type of attachment.
It would seem, why can't the second or third type meet the first? Such meetings take place, but such people do not experience mutual attraction, interest that can keep them together.
What to do? First of all, understand what type of attachment you have. This is the key to finding and keeping relationships if you haven't been able to in the past. If you continue to date “the wrong ones”, the main reason is still in you.
So why do we fall in love with emotionally unavailable partners?
1.
Emotionally unavailable people dominate the “dating market”
looking for his mate.
People with a secure type of attachment do not embark on a series of long meetings and searches. Feeling that very "chemistry", they decide that the partner suits them, and tune in to a long-term relationship. That's why they are the hardest to find - they rarely enter the dating market, and when they leave, they stay on it for a short time and immediately "settle" in a new relationship.
In addition, emotionally unavailable people almost never meet the same as themselves: none of them has a desire to emotionally invest in a relationship.
If you put all the pieces of the puzzle together, it turns out that the probability of meeting an emotionally unavailable partner is very high. However, they do not form relationships with each other because they need space and independence, they do not meet people with a healthy secure attachment, because such people do not stay in the market for a long time - so who do they attract? Alas, partners with an anxious type of attachment who crave extreme intimacy.
2.
We find them very attractive.
We often don't realize that the partners we're obsessed with are the ones who can only increase our deep self-doubt. It is our notions of love that attract special partners to us.
At the early stage of a relationship, an "independent", emotionally unavailable partner sends mixed signals: calls, but not always, does not hide his sympathy, but at the same time makes it clear that he is still in search.
Emotionally accessible partners don't act tough. In their world, there are simply no mysterious omissions
This tactic is quite advantageous: by receiving a vague conflicting message, the “needy” partner with an anxious type of attachment becomes obsessed with the relationship. Friends, hobbies, interests and careers fade into the background.
3.
We lack "fire" in emotionally accessible partners
Let's imagine that we were lucky and we met a person whose childhood was simple and calm, and whose view of the world is just as simple and open.
Will we realize that we have won the lottery, or will we decide that something is missing in our relationship with such a person?
Emotionally accessible partners don't play impregnable or, on the contrary, don't throw everything at our feet in order to conquer us. In their world, there are simply no mysterious omissions and suspense, agonizing waiting.
We are calm next to such a person, and we do not believe that he is the only one, because “nothing is happening”, because our emotions are not inflated, which means that we are bored. And because of this, we pass by truly wonderful people.
Ups and downs, doubts and elations, and constant expectation in relationships with emotionally unavailable people should not be mistaken for passion or love. It looks very similar, but believe me, it's not her. Don't let them captivate you. And, no matter how difficult it is, work to understand the mechanisms of attraction that are laid in us by our childhood. Believe me, it's possible.
