Why are parents sometimes strict
Strict Parents - 10 Signs & What's Wrong With Them
Which type of parents produces better kids? Strict parents or lenient parents? Many parents grapple with what type of parenting and discipline to use. It often boils down to strict or lenient.
Let’s find out what strict parenting is and how it can affect a child’s development.
Why Are Parents Strict
Parents are strict for various reasons, some good and some self-serving. Some strict parents have high expectations. They teach their children self-discipline by holding them accountable. These parents have their kids’ best interests at heart.
But some strict parents are controlling because they fear being seen as incompetent parents if their children make mistakes. Such parents are more concerned about their own feelings and insecurity than their children’s well-being.
Most strict parents justify their choice of parenting style using the either-or parenting rationale. They don’t want to raise defiant kids, and lenient parenting is often believed to cause defiance in children. So they turn to strict parenting. They believe that one can only be either permissive parents or strict parents. There’s nothing in-between.
Their sentiments usually include a combination of the following.
- “I don’t let my kids walk all over me.”
- “I want well-behaved children.”
- “I don’t want to raise a brat.”
- “My child needs me to be a parent, not a friend.”
- “I don’t want my kids to end up in jail.”
What Are Strict Parents (Meaning & Definition)
In psychology, strict parents are defined as parents who place high standards and demands on their children. They can be authoritative or authoritarian, depending on the parents’ disciplinary beliefs and responsiveness to their child’s needs1.
When parents couple high standards with warm and responsive support to their children, they are authoritative parents.
Despite setting high standards, authoritative parents value independent thinking. They allow children to challenge their rules or provide feedback. Authoritative parenting generally produces the best outcomes in kids.
Unfortunately, most strict parents are not authoritative; they are harsh parents.
Most strict parents are cold, unresponsive, and unsupportive to their children. Their rules are often overly strict and arbitrary.
These parents don’t allow their children to voice their opinions or question the parents’ decisions. They are controlling parents practicing the authoritarian parenting style, also known as the harsh parenting style, which generates worse outcomes than the authoritative style.
Are Strict Parents Good or Bad
While strict and responsive parenting style (authoritative) produces the best outcomes in children, strict and unresponsive parenting style (authoritarian) produces adverse outcomes including behavior problems, low self-esteem, self-control issues, and mental health problems.
When people speak about strict parenting, they generally refer to the harsh authoritarian type.
In the rest of this article, we will focus on the authoritarian type and its detrimental impact on children.
What Are The Signs of Strict Parents
Strict parents are the ones who
- have many strict rules and are demanding
- demand their child to adhere blindly to their expectations
- do not allow their child to question parental authority
- punish severely for violation of any rules
- cold, unresponsive to their kids
- use shaming and harsh words
- do not let their child participate in decision making
- have unrealistically high expectations
- do not tolerate mistakes
- “they are always right” attitude
Effects of Strict Parenting
So what happens when parents are too strict?
These parents view academic success as a priority and judge the effectiveness of their parenting by their children’s performance in school. This type of harsh parenting can result in high academic performance in some cultures such as in many Asian countries.
However, despite the apparent academic success in some cultures, harsh parenting style also causes a lot of damage to children2.
Kids raised with strict parenting are more likely to be unhappy and suffer from depression
Studies show that kids raised in a strict household tend to be unhappy3 and show more depressive symptoms4–6.
In some countries, such as Hong Kong7 and Australia8, kids raised in strict households are more prone to suicidal attempts or ideation.
Kids raised with strict discipline tend to have antisocial behavioral problems such as rebellion, anger, aggression, and delinquency
Although some parents think that strict parenting produces better-behaved kids, studies show that such a parenting style actually produces kids that have more behavioral problems.
Kids learn what they live and what their parents model. When harsh parents discipline their kids with punitive emotions, force, threats, and verbal and harsh punishments, they model how to react punitively when they’re upset.
As a result, the children have learned to become more rebellious, angry9, impulsive and aggressive when things don’t go their way10 (and therefore get punished even more!) These kids are also more likely to engage in risky behavior such as running away11.
Strict family turns their kids into sneaky actors and liars
Strict parents expect unquestionable obedience, conformity, and respect for authority, which are usually obtained with harsh discipline. As a result, super strict parents create a sneaky child. These children have learned to become good actors. They behave well at home but act differently when their parents are not around.
Because the parents do not provide a safe environment for the kids, to tell the truth, kids raised with strict rules are good at lying and hiding things so they don’t get in trouble.
Strict parenting curtails motivation in their kids
Strict moms and dads choose extracurricular activities, class schedules, and social events for their children with no input from them at all.
However, autonomy is an innate human desire12,13. Strict parents stripping children of their autonomy causes these kids to be more rebellious and unmotivated as teenagers and young adults14.
Imposing external incentives such as threats of punishment creates extrinsic motivation while decreasing intrinsic motivation. Kids raised with Draconian rules not only are more rebellious but also show low initiative15.
Authoritarian parents raise bullies
Authoritarian parenting elicits compliance using fears. When kids do what others want out of fear, that makes up for bullying. These children learn to use force and power over others to get what they want.
Studies have shown that children of authoritarian parents are more likely to become bullies or friends of bullies16.
Children raised with strict rules lack self-esteem and confidence to make decisions
Research shows that female adolescents with authoritarian parents are less capable of deciding when given the opportunity17.
Having strict parents mean these children are used to being told what to do. They lack self-esteem and self-confidence18 to decide and worry about making the wrong choice.
Kids raised with punitive discipline suffer from inflexible thinking, resulting in worse mental wellbeing
Psychological flexibility is crucial to daily well-being and lasting psychological health. To become competent and healthy adults, children need to develop skills that allow flexible thinking within complex social environments19,20.
Parents with rigid rules impose high levels of intrusive psychological and behavioral control on their kids. These kids have less psychological flexibility and more maladaptive self-regulation in later adolescence.
Lack of psychological flexibility and emotional regulation skills are both highly associated with the development of mental disorders21.
Besides depression, this type of harsh parenting is highly associated with mental disorders including General Anxiety Disorder (GED)22, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD)22, dissociation, self-harm23, drug use, and alcohol abuse24.
Kids raised by controlling parents have twisted beliefs of authority
Controlling parents who act like dictators instill a twisted belief of authority in kids. They use unilateral communication and establish rules without explanation and expect their children to obey without complaint or question.
On one hand, some children learn that power is always right. They need to obey and don’t question authority when they should. These kids internalize a need to “follow the rules at all costs.” This belief can set them up for dangerous situations where they can be taken advantage of by authority figures abusing their power.
Some children have developed distrust, hostility, and resistance to authorities such as schools or police. They view parental legitimacy negatively, and this view can cause delinquency25.
Kids raised with authoritarian parenting tend to have more peer rejection and future relationship problems, especially in romantic relationships
Children in very strict households are less emotionally regulated and have worse social skills26. They also break more engagement and have unsatisfactory affairs in adulthood.
Final Thoughts On Strict Parents
Perhaps the most damaging effect of strict parenting is the strain it puts on the parent-child relationship, as no one likes to be controlled.
If you’re a strict parent, it’s worth it to think of what your child-raising goal is. The bottom line is – what is your vision of your relationship 20 years from now? Do you want your child to visit you, talk to you, or answer your phone calls when they grow up? Do you want them to still be in your life?
For those with overly strict parents, check out:
How To Deal With Strict Parents as a Teenager
How to Recover from Authoritarian Parenting
If you have very controlling parents in childhood, you probably have a lot of healing to do. Losing teenage years to strict parents can create scars that are hard to heal. Seeking professional help to support you through this healing journey is a good idea. Psychologists can help you figure out how to deal with strict parents. You don’t have to do it alone.
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Watson G. Some Personality Differences in Children Related to Strict or Permissive Parental Discipline. The Journal of Psychology. Published online July 1957:227-249. doi:10.1080/00223980.1957.9916233
Donath C, Graessel E, Baier D, Bleich S, Hillemacher T. Is parenting style a predictor of suicide attempts in a representative sample of adolescents? BMC Pediatr. Published online April 26, 2014. doi:10.1186/1471-2431-14-113
Dwairy M, Achoui M. Introduction to Three Cross-Regional Research Studies on Parenting Styles, Individuation, and Mental Health in Arab Societies. Journal of Cross-Cultural Psychology. Published online May 2006:221-229. doi:10.1177/0022022106286921
Lai KW, McBride-Chang C. Suicidal ideation, parenting style, and family climate among Hong Kong adolescents. International Journal of Psychology. Published online April 2001:81-87. doi:10.1080/00207590042000065
Martin G, Waite S. Parental bonding and vulnerability to adolescent suicide. Acta Psychiatr Scand. Published online April 1994:246-254. doi:10.1111/j.1600-0447.1994.tb01509.x
Zhou Q, Eisenberg N, Wang Y, Reiser M. Chinese Children’s Effortful Control and Dispositional Anger/Frustration: Relations to Parenting Styles and Children’s Social Functioning. Developmental Psychology. Published online May 2004:352-366. doi:10.1037/0012-1622.214.171.1242
Chang L, Schwartz D, Dodge KA, McBride-Chang C. Harsh Parenting in Relation to Child Emotion Regulation and Aggression. Journal of Family Psychology. Published online 2003:598-606. doi:10.1037/0893-3126.96.36.1998
Bronte-Tinkew J, Moore KA, Carrano J. The Father-Child Relationship, Parenting Styles, and Adolescent Risk Behaviors in Intact Families. Journal of Family Issues. Published online June 2006:850-881. doi:10.1177/0192513×05285296
Deci EL, Schwartz AJ, Sheinman L, Ryan RM. An instrument to assess adults’ orientations toward control versus autonomy with children: Reflections on intrinsic motivation and perceived competence. Journal of Educational Psychology. Published online 1981:642-650. doi:10.1037/0022-06188.8.131.522
Deci EL, Ryan RM. Human Autonomy. In: Efficacy, Agency, and Self-Esteem. Springer US; 1995:31-49. doi:10.1007/978-1-4899-1280-0_3
Mensah MK, Kuranchie A. Influence of Parenting Styles on the Social Development of Children. AJIS. Published online November 1, 2013. doi:10.5901/ajis.2013.v2n3p123
Brophy JE. Motivating Students to Learn. Taylor & Francis; 2010.
Knafo A. Authoritarians, the Next Generation: Values and Bullying Among Adolescent Children of Authoritarian Fathers. Analyses Soc Iss & Publ Pol. Published online December 2003:199-204. doi:10.1111/j.1530-2415.2003.00026.x
Ferrari JR, Olivette MJ. Perceptions of parental control and the development of indecision among late adolescent females. Adolescence. 1993;28(112):963–970.
Bun JR, Louiselle PA, Misukanis TM, Mueller RA. Effects of Parental Authoritarianism and Authoritativeness on Self-Esteem. Pers Soc Psychol Bull. Published online June 1988:271-282. doi:10.1177/0146167288142006
Kashdan TB, Rottenberg J. Psychological flexibility as a fundamental aspect of health. Clinical Psychology Review. Published online November 2010:865-878. doi:10.1016/j.cpr.2010.03.001
Williams KE, Ciarrochi J, Heaven PCL. Inflexible Parents, Inflexible Kids: A 6-Year Longitudinal Study of Parenting Style and the Development of Psychological Flexibility in Adolescents. J Youth Adolescence. Published online February 7, 2012:1053-1066. doi:10.1007/s10964-012-9744-0
Thompson RA, Calkins SD. The double-edged sword: Emotion regulation in high risk children. Development and Psychopathology. 1996;8:163-182.
Timpano KR, Keough ME, Mahaffey B, Schmidt NB, Abramowitz J. Parenting and Obsessive Compulsive Symptoms: Implications of Authoritarian Parenting. J Cogn Psychother. Published online August 2010:151-164. doi:10.1891/0889-83184.108.40.206
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Carapito E, Ribeiro MT, Pereira AI, Roberto MS. Parenting stress and preschoolers’ socio-emotional adjustment: the mediating role of parenting styles in parent–child dyads. Journal of Family Studies. Published online March 2, 2018:594-610. doi:10.1080/13229400.2018.1442737
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Why parents are sometimes strict, an expository essay is a frequent assignment in colleges. When students write a strict parents essay, they should not depend only on their viewpoints. A student should investigate the topic and include valuable facts to introduce the topic clearly. Below, one can find a good essay sample.
There is a question on whether parents should be strict or not, and how strict they should be. If a parent is strict, many tend to think that such parents are always unfair to their children, but these parents tend to think that the best parents are strict. This is because every parent tries to instill discipline in his or her children.
My Nametags interviewed parents from various European countries. They found out that the most loyal upbringing is in Ireland. Irish parents almost do not lose self-control when witnessing unacceptable behavior of their offspring such as screaming, crying, etc. French mothers and fathers, on the contrary, seldom reward their children with presents and often say ‘no’ to their requests. British are the strictest. They always punish their kids for misbehaving.
By being strict, parents feel that the children will always take them seriously and, therefore, will act to the teachings of their parents. Children raised by strict parents will always respect their parents as well as other elders. Sometimes, obedience is a must for certain cultures. For example, Chinese children can hardly write an essay about strict parents because obedience is in their blood. Respect for parents is a key feature of Chinese traditions.
On the other hand, children prefer that parents not be strict because their strictness causes the children frustration. Teenagers tend to challenge their parents because they are already building their self-esteem and sense of autonomy, which they feel parents interfere with. This brings about controversy between the parent and children, especially teenagers. Teens tend to be independent and rebellious, and, therefore, make many mistakes that make their parents angry. Most parents understand that every teenager is in a delicate stage of life. They try to give them some added freedom and the responsibility that goes with it.
It is important to instill discipline when children are young because they will grow up with strong values. Therefore, parents should be strict enough to instill values, but they should also be their children’s good friends. The friendship between parents and children should be of paramount importance because children should learn to trust their parents more than anybody else. Caring parents will never lead their children astray, and they will always lead their children on the right paths. Parents and children who do not have a strong relationship will continuously have issues that are not good for the family.
Being too strict will drive teenagers away from their parents. This will leave the teenagers unprotected because they will lack parental guidance. Teens should learn to respect their parents and listen to them because their parents have the interest of their children at their heart. If teens are not constantly corrected by their parents, they may end up doing things that can lead to various risks that could affect their lives negatively.
At the same time, being a strict mom or dad can seriously lower the self-esteem of a kid. The point is that, together with being strict parents, the adults tend to criticize their children. That means that all the expressions of a kid that do not go along with the viewpoints of parents are usually punished. What is more, the only thing that the little ones usually hear is that they are not good enough. As a result, kids grow up and constantly feel unevaluated.
On the contrary, strict parenting may cause certain obsession in kids. This means that the little ones start exerting every effort in order to get appreciation from their parents and be up to their never-ending demands. When children fail to win the attention and appreciation of their parents, they rebel and start consuming drugs and alcohol to assuage their hurt feelings.
The attitude of parents towards their children varies from one parent to another. Although some parents abuse their children in disciplining them, other parents will simply scold their children. The type of discipline practiced by a parent depends on how the parent wants to instill values in the children. For example, David and Victoria Beckham were raised by strict parents. So, no wonder they apply the same growing-up method to their children.
Discipline and punishment are not synonymous. They are different, and parents should avoid punishment. They should not inflict physical harm on the children. Some parents go beyond too far in attempting to correct their children’s behavior. Some discipline procedures are not legal, and parents can be jailed for harming their children. There are laws that protect the rights of children and help to ensure their safety, and no parents should break those laws. On the other hand, these laws should not influence a parent in being too lenient. This can also be harmful as the child grows into adulthood.
All in all, when parents are being strict, they actually do their kids a favor because this way, they help their beloved children integrate into modern society. Well-mannered and disciplined individuals are highly accepted in the professional world, and other people feel better self-worth in their presence.
So, as we can see, there are some disadvantages to being a strict parent. However, there really are important and meaningful benefits. Does it mean that moms and dads have to pick whether they would like their little ones to be well-disciplined or they just prefer an open and lenient relationship? The reality is that parents have to find the right balance here.
Without a doubt, that is a hard task. Parents have to consider and evaluate every situation in order to know how to deal with every other situation. Of course, being a mentor and friend at the same time is challenging. However, this middle ground will help you succeed in parenting.
Admin. “PARENTING STYLES AROUND THE WORLD.” My Nametags, 28 Aug. 2019, www.mynametags.com/blog/2019/08/parenting-styles-around-world.
Gavilanes, Grace. “‘No Fun, No Friends, No Girlfriends’: Katy Perry, Mayim Bialik and More Celebs Who Grew Up in Strict Households.” PEOPLE.Com, 31 July 2017, people.com/celebrity/stars-who-had-strict-parents.
Li, Pamela M. “Strict Parents – What’s Wrong With Them. ” Parenting For Brain, 8 Mar. 2022, www.parentingforbrain.com/strict-parents.
“Parent or Friend? Where to Draw the Line.” Verywell Family, 29 July 2021, www.verywellfamily.com/should-you-be-friends-with-your-kids-5119877.
WildChina. “Why Do the Chinese Love Obedient Children?” WildChina, 26 Apr. 2021, wildchina.com/2010/07/why-do-the-chinese-love-obedient-children.
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Strict parents and parenting mistakes they make. Why strict parents turn their children into skillful liars
Some parents believe that a child should be brought up in strictness and in general be kept in a tight rein, otherwise he will grow up to be a weak-willed or optional person.
However, even specialists find it difficult to draw a clear line between necessary and excessive parental strictness. Today we will tell you what signs indicate that you are being too strict with your child.
Have you noticed that your offspring is reluctant to share news from kindergarten or school? Did he start to get cheeky at every opportunity? Do not rush to conclude that the child has deteriorated and needs even more control. Perhaps the problems lie not in the behavior of the baby himself, but in your excessive severity.
Strict parents: main features and distinctive features
Think about whether you make the following educational mistakes in your relationship with your children.
1. You put the child in an awkward position
Try to remember if you have ever reprimanded your child or asked about plans and ideas in the presence of his friends. Of course, your interest and concern are understandable and natural. However, some children may see this behavior as a desire to insult or humiliate them.
2. You demand unconditional compliance with the rules
Of course, the rules that ensure the safety of the child must be strictly observed. However, life is not black and white, and there is an exception to every rule.
Try to evaluate the child's behavior on the basis of specific circumstances.
For example: “Daddy and I told you many times not to fight. And yet I understand the reason for your action. After all, you stood up for the girl.
3. Forcing a child to lie
Childhood is a time of fantasies, inventions and developed imagination. There is nothing surprising in the fact that a preschooler or a schoolboy likes to exaggerate his achievements.
However, psychological studies show that the authoritarian method of upbringing, excessive strictness and intolerance towards childish pranks turns a dreamer into an inveterate deceiver. He begins to lie for any reason, just to avoid severe punishment.
4. Restrict your child
The number of prohibitions depends on the parents and varies from family to family. Review your list of restrictions.
If it concerns all areas of a child's life and has several dozen, this is a sure sign that you have established a strict upbringing regime in the house.
5. Do not take children's jokes
Preschool and primary school age is a wonderful time for cute tricks, gentle pranks, fun fuss and outdoor games. Strict parents believe that children should learn and not do stupid things. Of course, some children's amusements sometimes put adults in an awkward position. Think, maybe you should not miss the moment, but have fun with your child?
6. Children don't have time to rest
Today's preschoolers are sometimes busier than yesterday's students.
After a dance studio, foreign language courses, swimming in the pool, they will simply not have time for ordinary games, communication with peers, and even relaxation.
Do not forget that many domestic psychologists are sure that mobile and role-playing games are more useful for preschool children than the ability to read or count to a thousand.
7. Don't allow mistakes
Strict parents do not give children the opportunity to make independent (albeit wrong) choices in certain situations. Thus, adults deprive their child of practical experience.
Is it worth protecting a child from mistakes? Allow him to face the consequences of his own misdeeds and deeds.
8. You are always dissatisfied with the baby
Frequent nagging does not allow children to be taught responsibility for their behavior.
If you criticize a child's every step, find fault with how he draws, puts away toys, sets the table, puts on a jacket, he will never learn to do the work himself.
9. Give corrections and instructions
How often do you raise your voice and point out to a child that he is misbehaving? Try to write down in a notebook every time you remind the children to sit up straight, not scuff their feet when walking, take their hands out of their pockets. To make your voice heard, save instructions for the most important situations.
10. You seldom praise
Strict parents do not often utter words of praise in honor of their children. Only high results of children's activity deserve approval.
The first place in the relay race, the prize for the best crafts made of plasticine, the diploma for good study - these are the achievements that deserve your praise. Very soon the child will begin to think that parental love is not unconditional, but depends only on his achievements.
11. You love to teach
Very strict parents often turn any children's entertainment into learning. If the son draws, then the mother asks what color of paint he uses. If the daughter plays with dolls, the stern parent reminds her how to properly arrange the furniture in the dollhouse.
However, do not forget that games and toys are designed to go beyond conventional boundaries and throw out fantasy.
12. Often threaten
Unnecessarily demanding adults constantly threaten children, while other parents only occasionally issue a warning to the kids. A common phrase for strict moms and dads is: “Clean up your room immediately or I’ll throw your cars down the garbage chute.” Threats should not be thrown around, especially if you are not ready to implement them.
13. Don't let your child improvise
How often do you insist on your own way of solving a task? Some adults do not allow children to improvise and learn to interact with objects: “You don’t need to build a garage for a car out of blocks. Make better words out of them." Do not forget that a successful person needs flexible thinking and creativity.
14. Do not offer to choose
Strict parents prefer to command rather than offer an alternative to the child. Psychologists advise offering children a choice: “What will you wear on the street: a red or blue jacket?”. Try to give your baby a little freedom, especially if both options suit you.
15. You are not allowed to express your opinion
Do you want your child to have his own opinion and not be afraid to defend it? So, you should not challenge the children's judgment with the most dishonest argument: "Grow up first, and then you will argue on this topic!" Perhaps you are right, but you should not suppress the initiative of the baby. If you agree with his arguments, praise him; if he is wrong, point out the mistake.
Of course, in many situations, parental strictness and consistency are important. Listen to your intuition and mother's heart, they will tell you where the balance is between permissiveness and strict upbringing.
Other related information
Syndrome of early childhood nervousness. What it is?
What to do if the child is not taken away from TV?
At what age does a baby start crawling? Pediatrician's opinion
So, if your parents brought you up in severity, then for sure...
You know people very well
Your parents used to bully you" bad company" to contact, and then ... (here followed a long list of misfortunes, Where are the Hollywood thrillers!). Parents collected an extensive dossier on your friends and in the form of an ultimatum forbade you to communicate with Vaska from the fifth entrance or with Masha, who sits in the last row. They even explained why it shouldn't be done. You, of course still talking, out of spite and out of protest, but she looked more closely at Mashka and Vaska. And came to the conclusion that these people are really redundant. In your life, anyway. Now this inner radar turns on in you without any effort, you immediately calculate people, which you don't need. Or the people which can harm you. Irreplaceable quality!
You are incredibly hardworking
You were forced to play scales on the piano for hours or torment the violin (and the ears of the neighbors) because " there is such a word - it is necessary! You weren't allowed to drop out of your hated art school because" undertook - bring the matter to the end! ”? Well, but now you don't have to swing for a week, to take on unpleasant duties. You don't "procrastinate" because you just don't understand what about the meaning? The sooner you start, the sooner you finish. And you start finish and even manage to completely forget about what exactly did you have to do and procrastinators are still gathering their courage. AND, by the way, All this time they suffer feel sorry for themselves and become more and more nervous in anticipation of a terrible deadline. Horror in general.
You are successful
While your classmates went to discos and tried kissing boys, you sadly trudged to the next tutor. But then these same classmates entered the fence-building college, and you go to the best university in the city. The difference doesn't need to be explained. Yes? And you, certainly, you know, that any success is 10% talent and 90% efficiency. Some, maybe, much more talented than you but what's the point what if they don't know how to work?
You have a wonderful environment
You entered a good university, and that means that you have a good education. And it also means that you have the right environment: of course, in every good university you can find lazy people, and fools but they are still not in the majority. Most are smart young people who know what they want and they know how to do it. And not with the help of parental money. Naturally, that after graduation you did not want to surround yourself with people, not up to this level. We all tend to strive for the best, not for the worse and you aspire too. Moreover, that you already started from a high point.
You are responsible
You had to take your three-year-old sister on walks, because" you're the oldest!" After school, you threw a briefcase in the hallway and immediately went for a walk with the dog, even if you're tired or not feeling well? Mom made you sit down for lessons late at night, because during the day you (for the only time in your life!) decided to spit on them and go out with your girlfriends all day? But now you're the same person on which everyone can rely. Everybody knows, that responsibility is your middle name. And yes this means, that sometimes you have to work for others. But it also means that promotion is waiting for you, not these others. Not the same gouging to trust a leadership position, Indeed!
You take care of yourself
You know that smoking is bad drink bad, and exercise is a must. And you most likely, tried to smoke and drink and spend whole weeks on the couch in an embrace with a five-liter jar" Nutella." Well, just because that a completely natural feeling of protest woke up in you. But your mother's voice in your head continues to condemn these bad practices, and you suddenly realize that they are really bad. AND, by the way, go for an evening jog and the truth is much more pleasant, than sitting in a stuffy bar running out for breaks. And that means that your health is much stronger, than the amateurs pamper yourself".
Everyone is jealous of your iron will
Another nice bonus is everyone's admiration. Have you quit smoking? Wow! Do you ever, ever skip workouts? Incredible! You learned a third foreign language received a second degree independently supervised the construction of the dacha and all this without interrupting work and other daily duties? "You are extraordinarily cool, we could never do that!" That's what literally everyone tells you. Nicely, is it true?
You have the gift of persuasion
Let's start with that you are a master at lying and hiding evidence. 'Cause mama shouldn't have known that you again jumped from garages together with Vaska from the fifth entrance, ran to swim with Masha, who sits on the last desk, and for the first time you skipped a hated artist and even tried smoking in a “bad company”. Did you know what will fly into you for all this, and so I learned to look at my parents with honest eyes and to lie convincingly. And it's an incredibly useful skill. in fact. Because the ability to lie to parents is nothing more than as a gift of persuasion pumped from early childhood. Now you don't have to lie but the ability to convince people that you are right has not gone away from you. And it helps you a lot.
You are not unsettled by minor difficulties
Because from early childhood you are used to dealing with them right away. Do you remember? “Have you eaten? Wash your plate!”, “Pack your bag in the evening!”, “Are you going for a walk? Go to the bank first pay the rent. " You are so used to doing small things, but unpleasant things unquestioningly, that this skill has already turned into a reflex. You imperceptibly maintain order, pay bills, you visit the doctor on time and do a thousand other small things, that make other people nervous. And you are not. You don't have to put your life in order she is in constant order.
You won't disappear anywhere
For some reason it is considered that children raised by strict parents will certainly lose themselves in the difficult, unpredictable situation and those, who in childhood were given complete freedom, will definitely float. Well, because the former are used to living under constant control, and the latter independently stuffed themselves with bumps at an early age, and nothing, survived somehow.
But in fact this is not a completely correct observation. Because you also filled yourself with a lot of bumps. You also took a sip of that very freedom and permissiveness. Just because that one day you grew up to adolescence and a natural mechanism of protest turned on in you. So you had everything: and violation of prohibitions, and secret adventures and situations in which it was required to act with lightning speed and non-standard, regardless of parental rules. It's just that your parents didn't know anything about it (see point 8). So in a difficult situation, you just have more advantages. Because you are responsible workable, successful you have someone to rely on you have an iron will the gift of persuasion and the ability to understand people. Well, who one asks easier to cope with life's difficulties? Here's the same thing.
Disputes and quarrels with parents are inevitable at any age. However, any problems can be solved, even if the parents are strict or often angry. It is important to give parents the opportunity to calm down, understand the reasons for their behavior and find a way to peacefully resolve the conflict in order to avoid unnecessary aggression.
Important : strictness and violent tendencies are not the same thing. If you think your parents are physically or mentally abusive towards you or anyone else, report it to law enforcement.
How to defend your point of view in conversations
Try to calm down before talking to your parents. You won't be able to convey your point of view to your parents if you scream. Remember that during a conversation, people reflect the behavior of the interlocutor: the louder and more aggressively you speak, the more parents will turn on. If you calm down and act peacefully, they will do the same. If the conversation gets out of hand, return to it an hour or later after the conflict. Do not discuss problems while emotions are raging.
Admit your faults to shift the focus away from your personality. This does not mean that you should silently swallow all the accusations. Just give your parents an olive branch. Most often, parents get angry not because they like it, but because they think that you made a mistake or showed disrespect towards them. Even if you didn't do anything wrong, apologize for the misunderstanding and promise to make things right. If you offer peace, however small, you can quickly extinguish the negative energy. Enough to start with an apology.
Do not interrupt. This may be the hardest part, but it's important not to interrupt your parents. Sometimes a parent just needs to let off steam, and you, as his child, are always there and can always listen. While listening to unpleasant things in silence can be difficult, in 90% of cases a person will run out of accusations if you just let him talk. Let the parent speak, and when they're done, explain what it looks like to you.
Repeat aloud the main arguments of the parents. If you can calmly repeat what you said to your parents in your own words, your parents will see that you understand them. It will be helpful if you can show your parents how what they said fits into the big picture. But more importantly, all this will allow you to manage the conversation yourself and show your parents how their vision relates to you.
- "I understand that you were worried that something could happen to me when I didn't call you."
- "I know that you are afraid that I might not have time to do my homework."
- "I understand that you are upset because you love me and want the best for me."
Explain your point of view to your parents in detail. Most often, quarrels, anger and aggression are the reason that parents do not know how things look from your side. Instead of telling your parents that they don't know you at all, try to explain to them why you see things differently. Tell them about your vision calmly and rationally. It will be harder for them to confront you aggressively if you say common sense. Be prepared to stand up for yourself and explain to your parents that there is a reason for everything.
- “I didn't think you'd take it like that. I just wanted to..."
- "I just want to start by telling you what it looks like from my side. "
- "I understand why you think so, but on my part..."
Suggest solutions to avoid having a fight over the same issue again in the future. Don't expect your parents to be judged. Be active and make your suggestions. Together with your parents, try to find a solution that will prevent the quarrel from happening again. It is important to show that you are ready for dialogue and that it is important for you to resolve the conflict. Even if it seems to you that only your parents are to blame for everything, such a position will allow you to soften their attitude. Behave with restraint and do not allow the appearance of negative emotions in parents. For example:
Understand that parental behavior is caring. In almost all situations, parents do not behave this way because they want to. They are just trying to protect their child. Your parents love you, and their anger is most often a reflection of fear - fear that you are missing, that you do not respect them and their wishes, that you are not working hard enough at school, and so on. When you understand why your parents are strict with you, it will be easier for you to calm down and calm them down.
How to ask for more freedom and respect
Make a list of reasonable and feasible requests. If you just tell your parents that they are doing everything to spite you, it will not help you. You should think of concrete examples so that something can be changed. Think about what makes parents behave the way they do. What can be done to change this?
- Don't think of this task as a list of requirements. Parents should not feel like hostages.
- Give reasons for each request. Explain to your parents that you are offended by the nickname they call you, or that you do not always have time to clean up the room due to homework and sports.
Find a quiet place to talk. When you calm down, tell your parents that you need to talk to them about something important. Choose a quiet place at home where no one will disturb you, and choose a time when both you and your parents will be free. Leave at least an hour to talk.
- "Can we talk in the living room after dinner?"
- "I want to talk to you about something important."
Explain to your parents how you feel about their actions. They may not realize that they seem too strict to you. If they know how you feel, they may think about their behavior and find a way to change something. Be honest, open and specific. Give examples from the recent past so they don't think you're making things up.
- If you want your parents to listen to you, be prepared to listen to them. It may turn out that your behavior also offends your parents.
- Do not blame your parents and speak calmly, otherwise they will become defensive and get even more angry.
Continue to participate in the conversation, even if it becomes very emotional. Nod when parents speak, don't cross your arms and legs, make eye contact with your parents. Gestures and facial expressions will let parents know that you are listening, and it will be easier for them to continue the conversation. You will appear as a calm mature person who is willing to compromise and who has his own good reasons.
- Do not sigh or use gestures that show dissatisfaction.
- Do not cross your arms or legs - this will make it look like you are trying to distance yourself.
- Do not move your pen across the paper, do not look at your hands and do not touch objects in your hands while the parents are talking. Give them all your attention.
Think smart, realistic goals for all of you. After explaining to your parents how you feel, state your requests. Say that you want to work on goals with them and that you appreciate their input. If you have reasonable and justified goals, it will be easier for you to track changes and tell your parents that they are not keeping their promises if this happens.
- If you want to spend more time with your friends, promise to only see them after you've done your homework and chores.
- If you feel like you have too many household chores, show your parents your schedule and suggest doing chores only on certain days.
Have a daily dialogue with your parents and strive to build mutual respect. One conversation will not change your entire relationship - it's a long process, so you will need to remind your parents of your promises from time to time and make sure they keep their word.
How to deal with chronically strict parents
Try to understand the motives of the parents. Think about how the parents feel about the current situation, and analyze their motives. Chances are, they're not acting this way because of you. Perhaps they have other reasons to be nervous and worried, as well as other problems. It is possible that because of this they break down on you. But this happens in every family.
- Can you help parents deal with stress? Perhaps if you take on 1-2 extra chores around the house, it will be easier for them to relax and calm down.
- Is parental strictness really that problematic? Maybe they're just not in the mood for work? Or are they always too hard on you?
- Try to ignore one-time conflicts and think about whether your parents support you, do they love you and care about you? All parents express dissatisfaction from time to time, but this does not mean that they do not love you.
- is not an abuse of parental rights . But you should seek help from a school psychologist, social worker or call the police (102) if you:
- Time is your best ally. Try to pause between arguments and don't disturb your parents after an event that made them angry. All people are more accommodating in a calm state.
- Don't let your parents discount your feelings. If they had a difficult day, it doesn't mean that you don't have the right to be offended and ask them to apologize.
- Always try to get through to your parents. The rights of the child say that all children have the right to express their thoughts.
- Remain calm and try to understand the parent's point of view. The situation may not be as difficult as you think.
- If you have an argument with a parent, at the end of the conversation or after a couple of hours, apologize and hug the parent. Most likely, the father or mother feels just as bad as you.
- If your parents are mentally or physically abusive, call the police or social workers, or talk to people you trust (friends, relatives, teachers, school psychologist). No matter how serious the problems may seem, someone will definitely help you.
- If you think that parents are abusing their rights, know that you can tell people about it. If you have a bad relationship with your parents, try to do something with them together. You can also talk to the school psychologist.
Are you a strict parent who demands obedience, or are you liberal and give your child more independence? If you still belong to the first type, then science has bad news for you: such authoritarian parenting tendencies turn your children into skilled liars.
According to a study by Victoria Talvar, a well-known specialist in child social-cognitive development, strict parenting tends to result in them actually knowing how to mislead you. If the home is dominated by an atmosphere of inevitable censure for any violations, the children of such parents learn to lie in order to avoid any punishment.
Talwar and her colleagues have developed a test designed to identify skillful liars among children. This test was administered in two West African schools, one with liberal rules and the other with a strict regime. The students were asked to guess which object was making the noise behind them without having to look at it.
It is important to note that the objects produced a noise that was very different from the usual sound. For example, a baseball made a noise similar to clucking. If the children knew what the last object was, they tried to look at it when they were left unattended.
During the experiment, the adult left the room, and upon returning asked the child about two things: what was this object and whether the child was looking at it. Talwar found that in a school with liberal rules, the distribution between liars and truth-telling children was similar to that in many Western schools. However, in a school with strict rules, the children turned out to be extremely skilled liars who had no difficulty in answering.
Fearing punishment, such children must be good at hiding the truth. Oddly enough, but draconian methods of education led to the emergence of skillful deceivers.
Why lies are not always evil?
But herein lies the catch: lying is not necessarily a bad thing, regardless of whether it was developed naturally or fed by strict parental rules. Talwar notes that when children lie, this is not a sign that they have already set foot on the path of delinquency. This is a sign that they are developing important psychological skills.
Indeed, there is a connection between a child's cognitive abilities and his ability to mislead others. The lie not only demonstrates their ability to think non-linearly, but also shows that they must have a very good working memory in order not to get confused by facts and fiction.
Stages of lying development
According to the model of lying development developed by Talwar and her colleagues, children around the age of two years already begin to try to lie (the so-called primary lie). These fabrications are meant to hide their actions, but children at this age do not yet take into account that the parent who is talking to them is much smarter, and often look very unconvincing.
By the age of four, a secondary lie appears. It is personalized to recognize the identity of the accuser, his behavior and way of thinking, and is more believable than the primary one. Tertiary lies appear at the age of 7-8, and at this age, children already know how to mix them with real facts to create a believable story.
The earlier these developmental stages of lying appear, the more likely it is that your child is smarter than the average child. Effective lying is a sign of emotional intelligence, an aspect of speech and body language that includes a degree of mastery of the art of manipulation. If your kids lie, and do it really well, they are more likely to grow up to be smart and successful. They can separate fact and fiction in their head much better than most.
So don't worry, parents, maybe your creative genius is growing! Although it's also possible that it's a tiny supervillain, so try to be careful...
It's common these days that our parents raised us wrong. That we all grew up traumatized, notorious and unhappy, because a strict upbringing did not imply the concepts of "personality", "choice" and "freedom". Psychologists and manuals for young parents advise giving the child more freedom.
But observations show otherwise. Erica Rasson, a professor at the University of Essex, conducted a study that showed that 90,175 demanding mothers successful children grow up. Our editors will tell you more.
It is immediately worth noting that strictness has nothing to do with physical violence. Here we mean exactingness and restrictions, but not a belt and buckwheat. The study is based on a survey of over 15,000 children aged 13-14 over a 6-year period. So, children whose parents were very strict have much more perseverance and self-confidence.
Children with pushy and unyielding mothers often graduate from college and get good jobs. It may seem strange, but demanding and strict mothers have children who become successful. The results of the study showed that girls whose mothers are too persistent are 4% less likely to become pregnant at a young age.
“In many cases, we succeed by doing what we feel is most comfortable for us, even if it is against the wishes of our parents. But no matter how hard we try to avoid our parents, any of their recommendations influence the decisions we make. However, we believe that we decide everything ourselves.” , Rasson says.
Even looking at examples from our lives, you can see that the research is correct. For example, in an ultimatum form, your parents forbade you to communicate with Kolka from the second entrance or with Tanya, who is sitting on the last desk. And they even explained why this is not worth doing.
Naturally, you bypassed all the prohibitions and communicated with them, but already looked at these people more closely. In the end, you still stopped talking, and you understood that your parents were right. Result: in adulthood, you automatically figure out the people you don't need.
Or while your girlfriends at the age of 13-16 were running around discos and kissing boys, you were forced to do your homework, play the piano, set a curfew. As a result, the girlfriends entered a vocational school or flew in, and you became a student at a good university, met a respectable guy and made useful contacts. Once again, strict restrictions did the trick.
It is known that children who were raised strictly have a good sense of responsibility. You quietly keep order, pay bills, see the doctor on time, and do a thousand other little things that make other people nervous. And you are not. You're just used to it.
Control your child's life. But don't just restrict his freedom or ban something, but explain why. Of course, he will resist, especially in adolescence, but in later life your correct explanations will turn into his intuition and correct prioritization. Permissiveness destroys not only someone's destiny, it destroys entire nations. Hedgehog gloves have never hurt anyone.
8 things only people with strict parents would understand - HEROINE
Education is a complex process. There are many ways to teach your child important things and prepare him for adulthood. The way we were raised by our parents is reflected in our adult life.
In this material we have collected 8 things that only those who had strict parents will understand.
1. As a teenager, you were willing to take risks
A 2015 study from Washington State, USA found that people who had strict parents were more likely to take risks. The researchers also determined that people in whose families there was emotional or physical abuse tend to encourage negative behavior in themselves and others.
Rochelle Henges, a researcher at the University of Pittsburgh, puts it this way:
When we are in a harsh or unstable environment, we are conditioned to seek immediate rewards instead of focusing on long-term results.
Therefore, adolescents whose parents are distinguished by strictness often commit rather risky acts. For example, they leave home in an attempt to prove something to adults, hitchhike, or decide to steal something from the neighbors' yard. They may deliberately do things that their parents disapprove of, such as secretly using tobacco and alcohol.
2. You learned to lie from childhood
If a family has strict rules that a child does not want to follow, he becomes a skillful liar. Children with authoritarian parents often come up with stories and excuses to help them hide the truth that adults will definitely not like.
Canadian psychologist Victoria Talvar believes that children with strict parents learn to lie more effectively because they are afraid of the consequences and punishment for their actions or opinions. So a strict upbringing not only encourages dishonesty, but also increases a child's ability to lie.
3. Your friends are as important to you as your family
When a child is brought up in excessive severity, from a very early age he feels a lack of understanding and acceptance of him as he is. However, growing up, he must find recognition and approval somewhere. For this, he turns to his friends, not to his parents.
As they grow older, friends become a family structure that was never at home, and are on the same level with the family, and sometimes even above it.
4. You have a conservative wardrobe
Strict parents tend to control their children in all areas of their lives. This also applies to wardrobe: very often children experience restrictions in terms of clothing choices, especially in adolescence. Such control negatively affects the child's desire to express himself and express himself, and also leads to complexes and other psychological problems.
Many people who had strict parents note that episodes from childhood influenced their “adult” wardrobe.
For example, in cases where a strict mother forced her to wear clothes that made her child laugh at school. In adulthood, this person will prefer to wear discreet clothing so as not to be different from the people around him and not to relive the traumatic experience.
5. You are careful about money
In addition to the abundance of shortcomings, strict upbringing also has some advantages. For example, in the fact that children from families with such a way of life quickly become independent and financially independent. As a rule, they start earning pocket money earlier and control their own expenses.
This allows them to learn to rely on themselves earlier and make informed decisions. However, this may also have a negative impact on the perception of themselves - they may not leave the feeling of uselessness or the inability to turn to someone for help.
People who were brought up in a strict way may have phobias related to finances. For example, they may be afraid to spend money if they did not receive enough pocket money as a child or if it was a manipulation method. How to stop worrying about money and not reproach yourself for spending it, you can find out in this material.
6.Do you know what delayed gratification is? For example, in cases where your parents did not praise you for your grades in the middle of the quarter, saying that they would give you something for a good annual result. Or when your parents promise that the 9 pm curfew will be lifted when you turn 18.
On the one hand, such attitudes can develop patience and motivation to get something more. On the other hand, expecting nice things in life, especially if they drag on for years or are not fulfilled, can harm a child's mental health. For example, to be the cause of the delayed life syndrome - we talked about it in more detail here.
7. You were constantly criticized
Strict parents tend to criticize quite harshly instead of encouraging the child to develop and improve personal qualities. Their children often have to put up with complaints about the room, their own untidiness, laziness, spinelessness, slovenliness and extravagance.
Criticism from parents can extend to the child's choice of clothes, friends, and musical tastes, which in turn leads to the ability to lie. For example, the clothes that the child bought on their own at the mall were always carefully hidden. Just like video games with movies that have not been approved by adults.
8. Parents rarely intervene to help or protect you
In families where parents are too strict, the child quickly learns to solve his problems on his own. This is due to the fact that adults would blame him for what is happening (even if their child is not to blame) or criticize again. And you can also get punished in a situation where the child was actually right.
Therefore, it is easier for children of strict parents to solve problems on their own. At first glance, this leads to independence and responsibility for one's actions, however, excessive strictness in upbringing deprives the child of the feeling that in life one can rely on or trust someone.